Grateful

12/31/21:  Check arrived from the condo sale yesterday afternoon!  Got it in time to deposit in the bank and expected to clear by morning.  Shoosh.  Of course I am grateful for this, totally goes without saying.  Good reminder though that the joy that comes along with external things is fleeting.  It didn’t feel much different than a normal day, once the process was completed.
Decided to send a text to the NYE thread telling those guys I was bowing out.  It felt like a bit of a relief to verbalize my thoughts and I was proud for having let it out.  Of course everyone was supportive and made me feel ok, good even.  I got notes from Sue and Cid offline, which felt nice also.  I’m thankful for my friends and also for the ability to be mindful and make a choice that is in line with my goals, if only for one day😉
Got to the gym and did the 2-mile run/walk thing.  I ran for about 1.25 and had a good pace and fairly steady run.  Proud of myself for generating some momentum around this health thing and recognizing what needs to be done and taking some action.  Also thankful for the support from Lisa, who is always a good influence on me in this way.
12/30/21:  Got takeout from Smitty’s last night for the family.  Lisa and I went to pick it up and had a couple beers while we ordered.  That’s part of the tradition of going there.  While we sat we talked a lot about the impending NYE and I opened up about my fear of another gluttonous night of drinking and chinese food.  It felt good to verbalize all that and to connect with Lisa.  We haven’t done a ton of that lately.  Not sure what will happen tomorrow, but just talking about it all and sitting with her over a beer made me feel good.  Grateful for everything we have together and the life we have built as a family.   Oh and the pizza🙂
Visited Ed for a couple hours yesterday.  He’s doing ok, though currently mostly confined to a recliner.  He’s getting a pacemaker installed next week and already has other surgeries lined up afterward.  Hate seeing the guy in such a state, but honestly, he’s pretty solid emotionally, despite the health crises he’s endured the last 10 years.  I always enjoy connecting with Ed and we can talk about business, money, work and other topics with ease.  I’m thankful for his friendship and will never forget how much he helped me last summer when I was going through my own health crisis.  That meant the world to me and he was a big part of helping me get through that.
12/29/21: Doreen came by last night to help me fix an issue I’ve been having in QBO. It was nice to catch up and after about 20 minutes we were able to resolve the issue. Afterward, I was able to reconcile my account and everything is AOK. Thankful for friends like Doreen who are willing/able to assist. She drove over after work, and I know she’s been juggling a lot. Still, she took time out to come by and help me. We also caught up for a bit beforehand, which was nice. We usually only see one another at parties, gigs and such, so it was cool to connect more 1:1 for a change.
Had another day of mindful eating and feeling satisfied. Thankful!
The filing of the paperwork from the closing got delayed by 24 hours. Apparently, they had to wait for a wire transfer on the sale of the prior property, so our transaction won’t be officially recorded/closed until this morning. Patti confirmed that our check will be overnighted today, so I should have it in hand tomorrow. I’ll make plans to wire the payoff funds on Azalea on Friday, assuming that’s enough time for the funds to clear my account. Minor bump in the lengthy process but we are right at the finish line. Grateful.
12/28/21: Keeping it simple today and simply being thankful for ONE DAY of mindful eating.
12/27/21: Continuing the great room migration yesterday. Lisa and I emptied and organized both bathrooms. Again, we got rid of a bunch of junk and really cleaned both areas deeply. It’s been a good process but sleeping upstairs has been a crappy experience so far. The room is warm, so I keep turning the heat down and kicking off the covers. The mattress is also too firm and I’ve woken up with a sore back both nights. It’s also loud, especially with Bella and Cam right across the hallway. I’m sure I’ll get used to it. The room itself is fine and once we get our new bed, I’m hoping I can settle in more. I’m glad to be working on it with Lisa, we make a good team! And Quincy is happy, so there’s that.
After a couple days of gym and eating well, I’m back to my old ways. No gym and overeating. As mentioned, I’m going to add the not-so-good here in an effort to hold myself more accountable. With a week to go in my vacation, I’m hoping I can still make some progress towards better.
We met Patti yesterday and signed all the docs for closing,. It’s a multi-day process, as opposed to the big bang closings of yesteryear. She gave all the papers to the clerk, who was going to courier them to the lawyers today, and they will sign with the new owners tomorrow. We should then have a check overnighted to us for receipt on Wednesday. I’m sure it will go smoothly, and I’m trying to be patient with the waiting and enjoy the knowledge that in72 hours we’ll get the biggest check of our entire lives. Expecting $212k+, which is enough to pay off Azalea, save the tax money aside and keep around $20k for our personal use. Of course it’s easy to be grateful for all that.
12/26/21: Xmas day yesterday. We had the Bento’s over, since Rob & Kelly are out of town and Mikey is of course in Colorado. They came by for lunch as did Randy. We were here with the kids and Cam, after they spent Xmas Eve with his family. Lisa cooked a brisket, soup and some veggies. We hit the Portuguese market for cornbread and fresh rolls, to complete the package. Food was great and everyone seemed to enjoy it. It was nice being in a different setting for the holiday for a change, and having it here was cool. Thankful Randy came. He is definitely more relaxed than when our usual crew is together and he shared some conversation with everyone. After everyone left, we watched Empire Strikes Back and of course kept eating. Tons of snacks around and leftovers to enjoy. We gave Q an electronic drum kit for his studio and a little bit of cash. We gave Bella mostly cash, along with some clothes that Lisa bought. I gifted Cam $100 worth of ETH as I know he is interested in crypto and investing. Thankful for all we have, for being together and for another successful year for everyone in the family.
12/25/21: Lisa and I busted ass yesterday and finished clearing our old bedroom for Q to move in. It really looks great. We removed all of our stuff, donated several bags of clothes, books and old items and tossed a few things also. I must say I love the feeling of thinning out our cruft. It’s so easy to accumulate and become attached to what amounts to junk. Moving has a tendency to reveal what you really feel like keeping. Anyways, the room looks awesome and when he got home from Subway we brought him in. He really dug it, which was nice. The kids have a tendency to downplay their excitement over most things we think will make them happy, but he seemed genuinely psyched. It’s a great space and I think he’s going to have a great time over the next few years making that his part of our home. Grateful to work with Lisa on the project and to get Q a fresh start with the room.
Heard from Patti yesterday and everything is 100% set for our closing! We are going to meet at her office tomorrow and sign everything. Then she is going to send them by courier to the lawyers who will do all the validation and then overnight us our check. We will receive it on Wednesday. I reviewed the closing summary and we are going to walk away with $212k+. We’ll still have the tax situation to sort out in February, but even with the maximum tax burden, we are going to have enough left over to pay off Azalea and keep at least $20k for ourselves. Most likely, we will increase that number by another 5-10k come tax time, but I’m not counting on that until we do all the math. Either way, it’s easily the biggest check we’ll ever have received and paying off AZ means we will now have a nice monthly income from the property, in the neighborhood of $1,250 per month. Plan is to save some of the profit for Q’s college and then sweep money every month into it for the next couple years. By the time he’s ready, we should be able to help him in the same neighborhood as what we’ve done for Bella. Super grateful for all this and also to be so near the end of the long process. It won’t change our day to day, but it’s a big background step towards securing the rest of our lives financially. I’m proud of what we have done.
12/23/21: Gym again yesterday = not success 🙂 – went with Lisa to a small xmas gathering at the gym. Saw Rich, the owner and some of the chicks, which was really nice. Overate, which could have easily been anticipated. Felt crappy overnight and woke up feeling dehydrated and fat. Good reminder of how fleeting good and bad feelings can be. Grateful to have went together with Lisa and to see the girls and I suppose also for the reminder of how fragile it all is.
Making strides with the room switcheroo thing. I installed a wire closet system for Lisa in Q’s bedroom and had him empty all his studio stuff. Felt good to finish that step. It’s a decent setup, though not the most attractive option. Also made some progress on talking through the rest with Lisa and Q. It’s a complicated, stressful thing but I think we came up with a nice solution. I bought a new bed for me and Lisa, that should fit a bit better in the space. We are going to leave our bed and furniture downstairs, so Q will have a new set too. We’ll be able to get rid of his existing bed, as well as the couch and ottoman downstairs. We’ll get a new, properly fitted and matching set for upstairs too. The realignment will also allow us to take the huge armoire from the living room and put it back in our new bedroom, which will make the living room space much more open. Lastly, we’ll be left with a large empty set of closets downstairs, since Q will have furniture for his clothes. We can give Bella one closet and use the other side for storage. With the laundry room closet cleaned out, Lisa can use it as a massage space and make it a little nicer. Overall, the house should be better balanced, a little emptier and use the spaces more efficiently. We’ll also have a nice new setup in our room, to make the move a little sweeter. Everyone seems happy and now just have to buckle down and take a few days to manuever everything into place and do some cleaning. Fortunate to have the means to buy new things and make the house nicer, for the whole family. Also glad to take the opportunity to do a little spring cleaning, and get rid of some cruft and things we really don’t need to keep.
12/22/21:  Gym again yesterday = success!  Did a 2-mile walk/run again, but mixed it up.  Started running much sooner because I was feeling energetic.  Ran faster and smoother than the prior day.  Also added a .25 mile sprint at the end, which added up to a great 30 minutes.  Also continued with the productive/relaxing vacation mode by taking Lisa to brunch.  We went to Farmers Daughter which is an awesome spot and I really enjoyed it.  I actually felt satisfied by the meal instead of scarfing it down for no reason other than to stuff myself.  Took care of some other errands and finished getting things ready with Xmas.  Sent some $ to Wyatt and Abi and hit the bank to cover Bella, Quincy and Randy.  Really nice to be able to simply grab money to give to others whenever needed.  Similarly, I booked a vacation for me and Lisa!  5 days / 4 nights in The Dominican Republic at the end of March.  FINALLY got my jetblue account unlocked after 2 months of frustration with their customer support.  I immediately figured out my point situation and bought two nonstop tickets.  With the $50 credit I had from our Miami flight, the tickets only cost $180 in total.  I did some research and found a 5-star, all-inclusive that looks amazing and confirmed that as well.  Felt good I must say.  I also took the next step to cut the JB card out of the loop after such a bad experience.  Applied for a new credit card and will drop JB in the next few weeks.  I really liked the approach of writing about something less obviously positive yesterday.  Admitting my shortcoming and sitting with it really helped.  I think I’ll try and do that more often and “embrace the pain” in an effort to better understand and improve.  Thankful for a great day of living all-around.
12/21/21:  Got to the gym yesterday and did a 2-mile walk/run.  Felt good and had a fairly productive day, settling into vacation mode.  After the gym, I stopped by the Liolios house to drop-off a RS sweatshirt for Sammi.  She’s a great kid and I enjoyed being able to give her the swag.  I also mailed a sweatshirt out to Chip Langille, who has always been a great supporter of ours.  I genuinely enjoy giving things to people, especially the RS gear for people who have meant a lot to the org and/or to me personally.  After those errands I finally got off my ass and worked on the garbage disposal over at PV.  It was the last item to be repaired prior to our closing.  It took me a second trip to Lowe’s to account for a weird electrical setup, but once I got the right unit, it was fairly easy.  I felt accomplished in taking care of it and we are within one-week of the actual closing now, which feels kinda good.  Received a confirmation email from the Falmouth Road Race crew that RS has been accepted into the nonprofit numbers program, for our 5th time.  Scary, but I know it’s the right thing and the fact that it’s uncomfortable is exactly what I need.  Race is a long ways away but aiming to have some purpose to my routine in an effort to get ready.  Fundraising is secondary this time around and I hope I can remember that when the time comes to get started with that.  I want the focus to be pushing me through discomfort and getting myself to a better place physically and mentally.  Day wasn’t without difficulty.  I talked with Perry about this gig possibility we had been discussing.  Through that chat I learned that the bands I had considered playing with are already booked at District, basically for the same timeframe.  That lead to me feeling sorry for myself and some jealousy.  It’s something I’m trying to get better about and I spent time yesterday meditating on why I feel that way.  Writing about it here and now is also positive.  I know it’s foolish and another example of ego getting in the way of clear thinking and happiness.  I’m glad my friends are getting gigs.  They deserve it and in most cases have spent their lives learning, practicing and playing music.  Why should I feel anything but good for them?  Thankful to be paying attention to these feelings and examining them as I know that is the path that can lead to understanding and dissolution.  I also started some reading.  I’ve literally got probably 10 books that I’ve purchased over the last year which are unread.  I’m determined to spend some of my vacation time getting back into the reading habit.  I dug into ‘How to Live’ by Derek Sivers, a writer who I really enjoy.  Book is awesome and a reminder of how much there is to be grateful for and how much pushing myself, even in small ways results in a rewarding experience always.  Thankful.
12/20/21:  Had the smallest victory last night when I avoided having ice cream.  I’m constantly succumbing to the temptation of eating, especially at night.  I think about stuffing my face with junk, even when I know I’m not hungry and that it’s doing irreparable damage to me.  That’s the face of addiction.  I’ve been doing decently better lately and after dinner, the ice cream in the freezer started calling.  I walked around the kitchen twice and went to the bathroom in an attempt to pause, ever so briefly.  It’s not that I haven’t tried those tactics before, but this time it actually helped/worked.  I avoided the indulgence and am thankful I did.  It was only one instance of a million such times, but at least for a moment, I was able to breathe through it.
12/19/21:  Did a decent job of decompressing yesterday, the first day of my work vacation.  I managed to get the remainder of the addresses sorted out for the Rawkstars holiday cards and get them mailed out.  I also did some morning stretching, meditation and even a little practicing on the bass.  I cut a big salad and ate pretty well for the day, which is my main goal.  I want to get to the point where I can feel productive, but relaxed.  I don’t want to waste the days in front of the tv or napping, unless it’s a result of really being tired.  Bella is home, though of course working a lot.  Also thinking about how best to swap rooms with Q.  Lisa is stressed about it already.  It’s definitely a big disruption and will take a few days of work and some help will be needed to move the furniture.  That said, I think the change will be a good thing once we finish.   Thankful to have everyone home and for the runway ahead of us.
12/18/21: Finished up work for the year at Hasbro. I’m officially on break until January 3rd. It’ll probably be my longest stretch of vacation ever, or at least that I can recall. It’s been a pretty strong year, imo, professionally. I sometimes complain about the lack of ‘progress’ I’m making, but that’s only reflective in my title/salary. In terms of the work and impact, 2021 was a strong year for me. I continued the progress made when I came over to the team originally. I managed to launch a new initiative (Game Changers) which was fantastic and enjoyable to work on. I helped the team shape their strategy in new ways and again lead the Immersion projects for GDOJ. On the EE side, I took over Hello Hasbro and really made strides against that. I also took over the monthly recognition, which is mostly an administrative exercise. That said, I improved and documented the processes as well as brought the timeline in so that folks receive their gifts on time, instead of months later as was the case before. I took point on Bring Your Kids to Work and supported the team on Service Anniversary as well as tons of other smaller initiatives. I think overall I brought positive energy, productivity and even helped evangelize both teams. I made a ton of new connections at work and established myself with several of the senior leaders. I’m hopeful 2022 will bring additional rewards my way in the form of promotion and increased pay, but if I’m being mindful and looking at it without coloring the story, I’m in a solid place by nearly every measure. Grateful for that.
12/17/21: Wrapped up the gauntlet of the last several weeks at work by getting through the Holiday Party. It went well, though we continue to be hampered by network performance, which is unfortunate. That aside, it went really well and lots of people seemed impacted by the event. We hosted about 900 employees and featured a few live speakers, our hosts and the video project I put together.
I’m thankful to be part of the team that has the honor of running these shows. I’m thankful for the team that works together, and with the project as the focal point instead of personal recognition. I’m thankful that my company supports these initiatives and entrusts me and my team to execute them.
I’m also thankful that I wrapped up the year on a strong note at Hasbro. I’d like to continue evolving at work and have plenty of ideas going into 2022. Most of all, I’m thankful for the chance to have come into these groups in the last 15 months and for how it’s carried me through what was a tough stretch.
12/14/21:  Grateful for a couple days of solid eating and mindfulness.  I’ve managed to treat my body well by steering clear of garbage and overeating, at least for the last few days.  I’ll take anything I can get at this point but it does feel good and I’m trying to pay attention to the small ways in which I notice it show up and how my body reacts.
Bella surprised us by showing up at home last night with Cam.  I knew she was wrapping up finals this week but neither of us knew she was headed home that soon.  It was nice to see her of course and it will now be cool having her home for the winter break.  We had a nice dinner and Lisa made soup, which is always awesome.
Grateful to all be together.
12/13/21:  Spent the day yesterday stuffing holiday cards with Lisa.  I’m aiming to send all the Rawkstars supporters a year end note and a RS sticker.  I’m not doing the best job with keeping up communication with our base and this is one small way I can connect with them.  It seems tedious on its face, but I actually enjoyed it.  The house was quiet and Lisa wrote the envelopes while I put in the cards, stickers, return addresses and stamps.  We had a couple hours of quiet, drinking coffee and filling the cards.  I liked seeing all the names and remembering just how many awesome people are supporting us.  I’m hoping to do a better job of really making them feel special by offering more stuff from the kids, and personalized treatment along the way.  Despite the fact that I haven’t been great at it, our numbers continue to climb slowly and we’ve had very few defectors.  Grateful.
12/12/21:  Haven’t been writing the last few weeks as my wordpress site is funky.  Figure I’ll restart on Evernote until I can find time to fix.
Had dinner and a few drinks with the Kast’s last night.  Nothing fancy, just met kinda spontaneously for a few hours to get out of the house.  Felt good to connect with others and talk for a while.  They are great people and always enjoyable to hang out with.
Night before I went to see Kansas.  I had bought tix for Noah for his 21st birthday, but he texted the day before saying Dave had covid, so they couldn’t go.  I asked Q to go with me and we had been planning that, but during the afternoon he got mad at me and bailed at the end.  He got his wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday and has been cranky this weekend.  I can tell he’s in pain and his face is still swollen.  Anyways, I decided to go alone and stopped at a bar for a few drinks by myself, had a burger then took in the show.  I had a good time.  Band are old and it was one of those gigs where I thought to myself that I don’t enjoy seeing acts that are a shell of themselves.  There were 2 original members and although they all played well, it’s just the vibe that is lost with age and non-original members mostly.  I’m not a huge fan and wouldn’t have probably gone to see them in regular circumstances, so it wasn’t a bummer or anything, just a thought while I was watching them play.  Still, I had a pretty good time and am thankful that I was comfortable enough being along to go to the show solo.  It’s kind of a weird experience, but one that I think I’d like to get better at.

12/2/21:   Having issues with WordPress again.  Taking my writing offline and causing me to miss days of writing.  Going to try and work on the install during my vacation and get back to my habit of posting here.

12/1/21:  Had a really cool interaction with Deb Thomas at work yesterday.  It started innocently enough,as I booked time to grab some quotes for a gratitude video I’m producing for the Holiday Event.  As we talked, she really opened up and we had a very personal conversation.  She shared with me openly and both of us got emotional.  It was special to be able to connect with someone deeply, especially someone I don’t know very well.

11/28/21:  Got my ass to the gym yesterday for the first time in forever.  I’ve been really feeling badly, both physically and emotionally.  Lots of aches and signs from my body that it’s not happy.  Also, finding it harder to be mindful and happy as regularly as I usually have been and know it’s at least in part due to my lack of physical activity.  Mind/Body.  Anyways, I brought my gym bag and went old school.  Stopped at PF before going home after work, evn though I’ve been working a bit later these days.  No thinking and arrived, changed and jumped on the treadmill.  I did a brisk mile walk followed by a moderate mile run.  Felt really good and was proud of myself for the first time in a while.  Grateful for my body despite my lack of care for it lately.

11/27/21:  Continuing to knock off tasks on the way to condo closing.  Had the last contractor over to replace the bulkhead.  I need to swap the garbage disposal, and then the house will be 100% done.  Paperwork too.  Condo docs, legal forms, etc. are being chased down every day, but we are keeping up and almost there.  Thankful to be so close to completion on this herculean task.

Having Cam and Bella here the last few days has been nice.  Cam beat me at Scrabble last night, which was cool.  Happy to have a full house again for a bit and all the activity and life that comes from it.

11/25/21:  Met up with Chris Weekly yesterday for a couple beers.  Always enjoy connecting with him.  He’s smart, thoughtful, musically inclined and grateful.   Lots to be thankful for and enjoying letting some people know how much they mean to me.  Bella and Cam are here fore a couple days, which is nice and we’ll see the Bento crew.  Of course we will visit my mom afterward for dessert.  Grateful for all those people and all they’ve done to make me who I am.

11/23/21:  Hectic week, alas no posts :/ — work has been somewhat stressful.  Mainly, it comes down to the part of my job supporting the Employee Experience side.  People are awesome but the team lacks autonomy.  Beyond our need to get approvals on most things is the fact that folks even outside our group are now chiming in on what our plans should be.  Specifically at the moment, it’s been surrounding the holiday party.  For weeks, we have been swirling over the plans, on/off, and changing direction with every new person who hears about what we are planning.  It’s not an easy place for me to be.  I don’t mind working on execution, if I align with the strategy and see the wisdom.  When I don’t, it’s really hard.  I also don’t like being at the mercy of so many others in regards to what we are doing.  In the last 48 hours, it seems to have cleared up, so I’m in a better place currently.  I’m trying to use the obvious stress of the prior few days as training in something I need to improve in.  I recognize what is happening and am able to better control/react more positively.  At least that’s what I’m aspiring towards, even when I’m not there yet.  Thankful for my supportive teammates and for my job overall, even when it’s imperfect.

11/19/21:  Visited a few of Q’s teachers last night for the annual parent/teacher checkins.  We didn’t do it last year with covid and remote, etc. so it felt like something we should do this year.  The teachers unanimously praised him and he’s got all A’s on his current report card cycle, again.  He’s such a great student and all the teachers say he’s equally as great of a kid.  Nice to hear them glow about him and all his great personality traits.  I really have no idea what Quincy will do with his life, but he is super smart, talented and on his way to achieving anything he sets out to do.  Very proud of him and grateful for his progression in life.  Feels nice as his dad and grateful that Lisa and I have been able to raise two amazing kids together 🙂

11/18/21:  Work is super hectic lately.  Juggling philanthropy projects leading up to GDOJ.  Those are enjoyable to work on for the most part and I’m managing well.  On the flip side, my work with the EE team is more complicated and draining emotionally.  There are so many more folks involved with approvals and direction, which adds complexity and comes with a lack of ownership, from a strategic perspective, while still leaving the responsibility on the execution and success end of the equation.  Coming to grips with that has been a struggle.  Yesterday, I was having a rough day and one of my co-workers, Frances, helped a lot.  She took some stuff off my plate and just made me feel supported.  I know she also struggles with the same feelings, so she was empathetic as well.  Grateful for her friendship and help on a day when I needed it.

11/17/21:  Went to Jason Bonham Experience last night at HOB.  Epic.  Drove in with Mike and Kev and we pregamed at Kevin’s, per usual when we do Boston gigs.  Awesome to connect with those guys over music, as always and thankful to have them among my closest bros.  By coincidence, I learned that Barry was planning to go in and meet Pete Karys, who was visiting from Florida.  Haven’t hung with Barry in a while and Peter hasn’t been around for 10 years or more.  He’s such a chill, awesome guy I got even more excited for the show.  Turns out Taki, Pete’s brother was also there and I hadn’t seen him in probably 20 years.  Lanzetta also went to the gig with Steve Watson, so I found them as well.  Lastly, while looking for Jon, I spotted Perry Paolucci who was there with Tom Donovan, who I know a tiny bit.  I wound up getting everyone together over at the mix position and we threw down pretty hard.  Ton of laughs with the backdrop of great Zeppelin music in a rock show filled room of energy.  Doesn’t get much better than that and I wound up drinking pretty hard.  Too hard, given my lightweight status these days.  I stopped just in the nick of time to prevent disaster, but near the end of the show I was worried I might not make it.  Once we got outside and into the car, sitting down really helped.  Got home in a pretty buzzed state and wolfed down some food, which helped settle me too.  Grateful for the energy, love and connectedness music affords me.  Grateful for so many awesome friends who feel the same power from it I do and grateful for Mike and Kev for getting my drunk ass home safely.

11/16/21:  Last night we attended the banquet for the end of the Cross Country season.  It was an awesome event and I am so very proud of Quincy.  I’ve mentioned it here many times, but him joining the track team a few years ago was the most impactful thing in his life, that I can think of.  The group of kids is amazing.  Not only are they tremendous runners and the team had a 5-0 season, but the kids themselves are exceptional.  That was reflected in the comments, parents and stories at the banquet in spades.  Q was recognized as a leader, for his hard work and the chemistry he brings to his role in the group.  He also spoke on behalf of Ryan Strawbridge, who is one of the seniors graduating this year.  Super thankful that Q came across running and proud of how hard he has worked to embrace it in all aspects of his life.  Love that fucking kid.

11/15/21:  Another nice fall day, another day of yard cleanup.  Put away the last of the furniture.  I also restacked the wood piles and covered them, so they will be nice and dry come spring.  That allowed me to really clean off the patio and get the leaves from all the nooks and crannies where they build up.  Did another round of leave removal from the grass and ran the mower out of gas for the season.  Again, it felt good to spend a few hours moving and being outside, while making the house look nicer.  Thankful I can still tackle the job and appreciate the beauty in it, even when it feels monotonous.

Spent the second half of the day doing very little.  Watched football, made a nice healthy lunch and practiced bass a bit.  I tried learning a couple songs that my friend Mike Levesque recommended for a little live-jam thing he is doing with some drum students next month.  He invited me down and I might try and sit in for a song or two.  I think it’s a good way to push myself by playing with strangers and trying some songs I probably wouldn’t choose on my own.  Grateful to be asked and to give it some attention in hopes of actually taking on the challenge.

Forgot to mention that Sharyn Dolinsky came by on Saturday with her daughter Jordyn.  She is playing trumpet in the school band and I had mentioned to Sharyn a while back that I had a vintage horn my friend Lori Magno had donated.  It was played by Lori’s husband Tom and was manufactured circa 1966.  It came in the original case, with the warranty card and everything.  I hung onto it for about 2 years looking for the right home and finally, seem to have found it.  She liked the idea of having an antique instrument and giving it to somebody who will play it, was awesome.  I was even able to send Lori a picture of Jordyn with the horn to share with Tom and they were both thrilled.  Super grateful that I get to have those kind of experiences regularly and that people entrust me with that kind of responsibility.

11/14/21:  Continued the yard cleanup, round #3 yesterday.  Been so difficult to keep up this year.  Spent the last 2 afternoons raking, mowing, blowing and burning.  Matt came over and helped me cut up the downed tree on the patio finally.  He’s a great guy and I’m thankful to have such good neighbors.  We’ve been blessed here for 20+ years, mainly by the people on the street.  Such a great group of folks and never had one iota of tension with any of them.  Yard is looking decent finally, but took a real beating this year.

Had dinner with Greg and Rebecca last night down in Plymouth.  Good time and the best part is seeing Greg so happy.  He’s a good dude and for the years I’ve known him, he never had too many good breaks.  Marrying Rebecca has really changed him.  He’s so much happier and positive now, and it’s really nice to see.  Grateful for his friendship and to be around people who are clearly in love.

11/13/21:  Lisa convinced me to go to her gym on Thursday since I had off for Veteran’s Day.  I have been feeling just awful about myself and my inability to control my eating, or get myself moving.  Despite thinking about it constantly, I’m paralyzed to make better decisions seemingly.  Anyways, I got my ass up and went.  It started strangely as the room was packed and I really had no clue what to do.  I just started watching others and doing my best to keep moving.  Everyone was supportive of course and I didn’t feel pressured.  Afterward, I felt exhausted but of course great.  It’s been 2 days since the class and I’m still sore.  I also felt motivated for the first time in a while, so I’m thankful for the push and at least one day of feeling good about myself.

Got through the home inspection on the condo too.  Few things came up but nothing huge.  We already addressed the electrical issues they raised and I have to get a new disposal, plus replace the bulkhead, or give $2k in rebate.  Either way, it’s fine.  We are moving ahead nicely towards a closing date of 12/28.  P&S is the next step and from there it’s basically a waiting game to close.  Thankful the process has been smooth, and that we are nearing the end phase.  After months of emotional, physical and financial labor, it’s nearing the payoff.

11/10/21:  Been super busy at work lately and even when I’m stressed, I’m able to find moments of gratitude.  Yesterday, I had a rollercoaster day, as happens often.  I experienced some lows, and highs and in betweens all in the course of a few hours.  At times like that, it’s helpful to realize that things change in an instant and that all emotions are ok, but not get too caught up in the feelings that result.  Thankful to have improved in this area over the last few years.

11/9/21:  Lisa’s 51st bday yesterday.  I had to work in the office so I didn’t see her until later in the afternoon.  I left her a note before I took off and wrote a post about friendship on FB that I shared with her.  Nice to see her get some love from her extended friend group.  We had a nice dinner and made burgers on the grill.  Thankful we’ve been together so long and are still going strong!

Folks who bought our house sold their home yesterday!  We have an inspection scheduled for Thursday and Patti is preparing the purchase & sale right after.  Everything is moving in a great direction and these last few days have brought tremendous momentum.  Once we get passed the inspection, there shouldn’t be any hurdles to overcome other than administrative.  I trust Patti and the other realtor to figure out all that and although the process has been long, it’s all coming together now.  Super grateful.

11/8/21:  Spent yesterday working in the yard for the second straight afternoon.  I put a lot of time in and it looks great.  I raked, blew leaves, took apart the tree smashed pergola and mowed the entire yard.  Made a huge improvement, kept me active outside and felt productive all at once.  I burned lots of debris and old soggy wood along the way too.  Yard work / working with your hands has a way of making you feel good.  Being tired from physical exertion is satisfying and making our house look better has a way of making me feel good.  Thankful.

11/7/21:  Q ran another PR at the last xx meet of the year.  He smashed his prior time of 19:50 and came in at 19:10.  I went to the meet with Cam, who stayed the night before.  I had him and Bella surprise Lisa for dinner at Capital Grille.  They met us there and we enjoyed some nice steaks together.  We celebrated the condo agreement and Lisa’s upcoming b-day.  They came back afterward and stayed the night.  Of course Bella went into work and I worked in the yard most of the day, cleaning up from the storm a few weeks back.  Got a lot done, which felt nice.  Really positive/productive weekend for everyone and I’m grateful we had a day all together.

11/6/21:  Got an offer on the condo yesterday!  On Wednesday, Patti recommended we drop the price by $10k as the activity had been quiet.  4 people had looked but nobody made an offer.  She lowered the price that night and in the morning, we got an offer for $310.  Later in the afternoon another offer came in, for a lowball $289.  She had one final appointment scheduled for the morning, and we weren’t required to respond to offer #1 until the following morning so she showed the place, and boom, they not only matched but added $5k, making their offer $315!  Patti thought the first folks had the best chance to sell their place quickly, so she told them about the second offer and they agreed to come up to $315.  We quickly updated the paperwork and both sides agreed on $315.  Interesting circumstances but worked out perfectly for us.  Super thankful to have gotten to this point and even moreso on the price we settled upon.  At the outset of the process, I had $299k in mind as our asking price, so to get another $15k on top of that is awesome.  We’ll now move into the next phase to the inspection and then purchase & sale.  The sellers have an open house tomorrow so fingers crossed they will get some offers too and we can work towards a closing date in December.  Grateful to be moving along well towards our goal of selling the property and securing our financial future!

11/2/21:  HM rehearsed on Sunday for the first time since before the 9/11 gig was cancelled.  It was rusty but felt good to reconnect, plug in and fire up the volume together.  We ran through 3 new songs, Come Together, You’re No Good and Double Vision.  All sounded ok, but we didn’t play with much confidence, given our lack of jamming together.  The building blocks were there for these songs and I have little doubt they will sound immense next round.  Also, piloting some of my new gear purchases, including the new Soundcraft mixer I bought just a few days back.  I spent the prior day resetting my studio space, wiring, cleaning and getting rid of some things.  It looks good and sounded solid, especially for the very first try with a band.  I know it will improve over time as I get used to the tools and make tweaks.  Slowly heading towards a place where I can try live recording with a combination of room mics and inputs from the board to my computer for some light post-production.  Grateful for the friendship and support of my bandmates and for the wherewithall to purchase ‘toys’ to bolster my passions.

10/31/21:  Few days off as we lost power and internet for a couple days, after the storm.  Driving into work the first morning was insane.  Downed trees and power lines everywhere.  I had to change direction 4x due to impassable roads, which I had never seen before to that extent.  Fortunately, no damage to our place, though a tree did fall on top of the second gazebo, which is trashed now.  Tons of leaves and debris, but otherwise, dodged a bullet.  Being without connectivity for so long was weird.  In part it was nice and I was able to catch up on reading more than I had been.  The house was also quieter, which was also nice and I got to practice some new songs.  Last night, Lisa and I watched some TV for the first time in 4 days and it reminded me how nice that can be.  Thankful our house escaped teh wreckage and also for the reminder about simple pleaseures like reading and playing music.

10/26/21:  Super strange post today but last night we awoke to a fire!  Lisa and I were sleeping and around 12:30 we heard Quincy talking upstairs.  I thought he was saying ‘fight’ and at first didn’t get startled because he talks in his sleep a lot.  After a few times, my sleep started to clear and his voice got louder and Lisa sat up straight.  We realized he was saying ‘fire!” and I bolted upstairs.  He was in the hallway and had the fire extinguisher on the floor.  I went into his room and it was really smoky and I saw a small fire on his bed!  When I got upstairs all the alarms were going off.  I grabbed the extinguisher and gave it a few sprays and it went out pretty easily.  Once the room started to clear, you could see that his laptop had caused the fire, somehow by heating up while he was asleep.  There were large burns on his pillows and in the mattress, which were all covered by the fire foamy substance.  It smelled really bad and we opened up all the windows as the alarms all started blaring.

Quincy was calm throughout, which made it easy for me to react calmly and take care of it.  Proud of him for knowing what to do and keeping his wits.  Goes without saying I’m tahnkful it was containe.  With a few more seconds of inacticity or proximity to him or other materials, it could have been disastrous.  Also grateful I had the extinguisher.  It’s definitely something I’ll replace and remind my friends to get one themselves.

10/25/21:  Visited Bella for lunch in Worcester yesterday.  She and Cam seem to be doing well and it was nice to catch up.  She got her hair cut and looked great as usual.  We met at Nu Kitchen, which seems to have become our spot.  It was a nice day for a drive and Lisa and I enjoye the ride listening to some music.  Thankful for the chance to see Bella and reconnect a little bit.

Cut the grass and cleaned up the yard/leaves for round 1 this weekend.  It usually takes 3-4 rounds before it’s all set for winter, but it felt good to move around and be productive outside.  It’s been a while.  I also trimmed the hedges and the yard looks pretty good.  Soon, it will be time to cover the furniture and put some stuff away.  Bittersweet for sure. as the days are already darkening quite a bit around here.  Thankful I am still able to physically do some yard work and enjoy the process.  Also thankful we have such a nice yard and have been blessed with a great spot to live and for the kids to have grown up in.

Bought a new bass for Brooke Sutterley this weekend.  She’s an awesome kid who has been around Rawkstars for years.  She and her twin sister were friendly with Bella years back and they are both super musical.  We became closer with their family and the mom is a sweetheart too.  The twins were briefly enrolled as students officially when the parents got divorced and they had to sell their house.  They are now in college and all live in an apartment in Stoughton together.  Brooke’s mom told me her bass broke, literally down the middle.  She had a starter instrument but really deserved something much nicer.  I wanted to take her shopping but she is in school in Lowell and it was hard to find time that worked.  There are also not many options to go and play a lot of basses.  Even the big stores only have a handful of basses typically.  So I wound up buying her a used Fender Jazz on Reverb.  It’s being shipped now and I will meet her to deliver it next weekend.  Super thankful RS has the resources to help kids like Brooke who so hugely deserve it.

10/24/21:  No official offers from the open house yesterday.  Patti texted and said 4 couples showed up and 2 seemed interested.  She said ‘not to worry’ and that she will probably have more showings today and during the week.  She seems highly confident about the sale, which makes me feel good, just waiting on pins and needles for some official offer.  Thankful to be in motion and moving closer to finishing this process.

Apple Pie Bake-Off was yesterday over at the Kast’s, as usual.  Fewer entries than normal and Alex won, again!  Had a good time and best of all, I didn’t go off the rails eating.  I sampled the pies and Sue ordered pizza.  I had 3-4 slices and small servings of the pie, no ice cream.  I had one drink and no snacking.  I had been fairly stressed about the day going in, so it felt nice to enjoy myself while also not leaving with a stomach ache and a feeling of failure.  Q came along, which is always nice.  Grateful for such a good group of friends and for a modicum of mindfulness.

I went clothes shopping during the day and finally gave in to grabbing some clothes that aren’t tight.  I bought several shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, a jacket, socks, underwear and t-shirts.  Felt good getting some new stuff even though I shopped modestly, at Target and Kohl’s.  Now that I’m going back to the office, I need some fresh items that don’t make me feel so constricted.  Thankful for being abe to easily afford whatever items I want and for accepting that I need a new size.

10/23/21:  I usually write about yesterday but today is the open house at the condo.  It’s the culmination of a few months of emotion, waiting, patience, hard work, monetary investment and admittedly, a bit of stress.  Lisa and I spent one last afternoon cleaning and prepping.  She worked inside and I power washed the deck.  I’m really proud of how the place looks and we could not have given more energy to the project than we did.  The open house runs 1-3 and I’m not sure what a realistic outcome is, but I’m excited nonetheless.  Grateful we made it this far.  Grateful we are on the verge of seeing the fruits of an awesome investment payoff.  Grateful we should find ourselves in an even better financial position than we are today.  Grateful for the sweat equity we put into it.  Grateful for all the help we had getting to this point.  Grateful that the Patnaude’s found a nice home they are happy with.  Grateful for the next chapter in life.

Sox bowed out last night in game 6 of the ALCS to a superior Houston team.  They gave us plenty of enjoyment and I’m always thankful for the drama of post-season sports, particularly baseball and hockey.

10/22/21:  Got a check in the mail for Rawkstars, for $210.  I don’t even know what it’s for but assuming its a Facebook fundraiser someone held.  I get those a few times per year and while it’s nice to receive it, FB is absolutely the worst and I hate supporting them, especially through charity.  They send these anonymous checks with no detail about who fundraised or who donated.  Grateful for the support, even if I cannot personally follow up.

I also got an email from a mom, out in Seattle about her non-verbal, but musical autistic child.  We emailed back and forth and I’m hopeful for a Zoom call this weekend to follow up.  Definitely outside our geography, but sometimes there is a need and I want to help fulfill if it makes sense.  Regardless of outcome, I couldn’t be more thrilled to get such a note from someone who needs support.  Thankful that being at the center of Rawkstars allows me to experience human connection in this unique way through music.

10/21/21:  Worked out of the Providence office yesterday for a full day.  Really enjoyed it, although I don’t have an official cube space.  We are also moving into NPA after the new year, so it probably doesn’t make much sense to set one up.  Despite that, I liked being downtown for work.  Not exactly the same as all the years I spent in Boston downtown, but being around energy, people, movement, food and walking are all positives for me.  Gave me the feel that working/living downtown would be awesome.  Hopeful I’ll get the chance to fulfill that at some point, but thankful to at least have a taste for now.

Q has been getting his studio reset in recent days.  He spent $1,000 buying new monitors and a new I/O interface.  He got it all setup over the last couple days and it looks and sounds great.  So happy for him that he is pursuing his passion and doing well with it.  It’s also nice for us to be able to connect over audio/mixing and recording in that way.  He’ll be 10x better and more successful at it than I ever was, but I’m super grateful for the success I achieved and the experiences, friendhsips and influence it had on my own life.

10/20/21:  Condo got officially listed yesterday!  Patti sent me the link last night and I saw it online right afterward.  Exciting time.  I stopped by on my way home and the closets were painted, which also looked great.  Overall, I’m really happy with how everything came out.  The place needs some updates in certain areas, but it really does seem like an attractive purchase option.  Grateful to have gotten this far and excited about the open house this weekend.

Office officially re-opened this week and I went into NPA yesterday.  It was cool seeing some new/old faces but overall, it was still pretty quiet there.  Had a couple in-person meetings which was nice and I felt it took extra energy on my side.  Even the commute felt different as I had more urgency to get there than I have recently.  I’m thankful the building is open and that things are going pretty well for the company and for me, generally speaking.  Look forward to settling into a new routine (again) and seeing if I can improve on my habits as it takes shape.

10/18/21:  Finished up the last tasks and heavy cleaning at the condo yesterday.  Lisa came down and helped polish things up.  Patti came by in the afternoon to take pics and raved about how good it looked.  She loved the lights, colors, painting and cleaning job we did.  She is going to list this week and set an open house for Saturday, selling price is $319,900, which is about $20k above what I planned for!  Beyond thankful for our good fortune and for the potential impact this investment will have on our family.

10/17/21:  Quincy ran at the Twilight event down in Falmouth last night.  It’s an annual, evening run with schools from all over the state.  It was the first time Lisa was able to come this year, due to her work schedule, so it was nice to have her along this time.  Q didn’t have his best run but still ran strong.  He’s gotten used to PR’ing at the last 5 or 6 events and this time he took a small backstep.  After his run, we saw him and he was very psyched.  He said how much fun it was and how good he felt, which was beautiful.  Just a year ago, he would get really down on himself anytime he didn’t have an absolute perfect run.  He was really hard on himself and now he’s grown to appreciate how he feels and his accomplishment, even if the time doesn’t improve.  It’s an awesome transformation to see and yet another exampleof his improving maturity.

Afterward, Lisa and I went to a sushi place on the way home and had a couple drinks and some food.  Nothing fancy, we just sat at hte bar and enjoyed the time together.  Sox game was on the TV and they took game #2 of the ALCS to tie the series against Houston.  Really enjoying the playoff run and spending time with Lisa was nice.  We’ve been on different schedules a lot lately, so doing something simple like taking a drive, watching Q run and grabbing dinner is a nice night for us.

10/16/21:  Spent a few hours at the condo yesterday buttoning up all the last details.  I got 2/3 lights hung, did a bunch of cleaning, changed all the bulbs to brighten the space, took 2 more loads of trash out and bought a couple touches for the bathroom to add polish.  It’s looking pretty tight and we are scheduled to take pics with Patty tomorrow.  My hope is she will list it this week and have an open house the following weekend.  My goal is to sell it for $305k, which would give us an awesome profit, enough to pay off Azalea and another $10k or so for ourselves, maybe for vacation or some other special expenditure.  It’s been a lot of work to get to this point and feels good to be so close.  I’ll probably head over today and try to get that last fixture hung and do some final cleaning.  Thankful all around.

After all that, I hung out with Q.  He wanted to get pizza from Smitty’s, so we went there and ate.  It was cool and we spent a couple hours connecting.  He likes the pizza and his friend Jack P, from the cross country team, works there as a cook.  It’s a small townie place, like a tiny version of the original Town Spa, so I dig it too.  We talked mostly about mixing and gear.  He’s been on a tear lately beefing up his studio.  He bought a pair of monitors last week and this week a new audio interface so he has more inputs.  He wants to get a new mic and some studio furniture and new macbook also.  It’s great seeing him so excited about the studio and working hard to save up and buy things to further his aspirations.  Kinda cool having Q be into something that was so impactful for me growing up.  I’m sure he will be 10x better at it than I was, which bodes well for him being successful AND happy!

10/15/21:  Painters are finally finished up over at the condo.  It came out pretty nice.  I’ve been going over there nearly every day to check on progress and try to keep up with cleaning and small tasks.  I’m planning to head over this afternoon to hang 3 light fixtures and fix a couple broken switches.  One last cleanup and it should be ready to photograph and list.  Fingers crossed it will go smoothly from there.  Grateful for being on the verge of the final stages and for the financial security it should help bring to our family.  I hope to net enough profit to payoff the Azalea property, giving us a nice monthly cash flow in addition to having 3 properties with paid off mortgages.

Mrs. Bento just called the house and told us that Tia Aura Santos passed away last night.  She was in the Azores and although I haven’t seen her in a few years, she was a cool lady.  I have many fond memories of her and am grateful we crossed paths.  I know Tina will be heartbroken.  Even though she had a really long, healthy life I’m sure it will be hard on her and Donna.  Thankful for my own mom and grandmother still being around and that I got a chance to know Tia Aura a little bit.

10/13/21:  A few days back I wrote about Brian Goldner, the Hasbro CEO taking a medical leave.  Yesterday he passed away :/

As described, after the announcement went out about his leave, I was hurriedly asked to come into the office and put together a short video with our interim CEO being interviewed by Dolph, our Chief HR exec.  I was honored to have been tasked with this important project and trusted by those at the highest level of the company.  I shuffled my entire schedule and left early for work.  I hurriedly arranged a crew with help from my colleague Kevin Shea and saw Dolph and a few others early in the day.  We were scheduled to begin setting up after lunch to prepare for the shoot @ 3pm.  Around 12:30 I got a note from Dolph saying we were going to have to postpone.  I was bummed.  I had gone out on a limb with Kevin to ask for his help at the last minute.  He had booked 3 crew guys, who had already been at work putting together the equipment for the shoot.  I had cancelled at least 4 other meetings I had, including several remote interviews I need to finish for the Service Anniversary project.  I felt like I had wasted a day and was somewhat bitter.  During the ride home, I realized I was being selfish.  I assumed that I was being put off in favor of something else, without anyone understanding all I had done to rearrange things.

When I got home, I jumped back online and wrote a note to Brian.  I had an email from him just last Thursday, after he had to cancel our planned interview together.  He apologized and said ‘Let’s look for time next week”, assuming he was going to simply reschedule.  I relayed a story to him from a video I did with him in 2019.  We talked about Global Day of Joy and I asked him why employees should feel like they can make an impact, being just one person across the globe.  He said “We are not one, together we are 7,000 ones.” and that phrase always stuck with me.  He understood the power of contributing to something bigger than yourself, something that I have always espoused to the Rawkstars supporters.  I told him he had 7,000 ones there for him and added my love in closing.

A little while after sending it, I got word that Brian had passed away.

It was a great reminder about giving others the benefit of the doubt and embracing whatever comes.  “Amour Fati” is a slogan on a coin I carry in my pocket everyday.  It loosely translates into “Love Fate”, meaning to not only tolerate the things that happen, but to embrace the flow of life and make it a positive for yourself.

Brian was genuinely loved and respected at Hasbro and I’m thankful I got to cross paths with him a few times.  Grateful.

10/12/21:  Spent the day at home after returning from Maine.  It was nice to reset and always a great reminder of how awesome it is to just be at home, together, with nothing much to do.  Lisa and I took a nice walk and the weather has been spectacular, early fall with sun.  I visited the condo and saw nice progress on the painting project.  Fingers crossed that will be complete by Friday this week.  Quincy was a bit sick, so he hung out inside most of the day and Bella was at Subway.  We stopped by the store for lunch and met Fatima, after all these years of her working there.  I had a call with Doga to ensure my technology was working ahead of the interview stuff I am planning for this week at Hasbro.  In the late afternoon, I watched the Sox vs. TB and Boston eliminated them in 4 games to advance to the ALCS.  Cam was with us all day and watched the game and also had dinner with us.  All really good, low key reminders of the simple life and how lucky we are to just be alive.

Late in the day, I got a call from Kathrin at work that called my attention to a note from Brian Goldner, our CEO.  He is battling cancer and is taking a medical leave.  She wanted me to prep for a video shoot (today) to introduce the interim leadership.  I cleared my calendar and secured a crew to shoot, through my friend Kevin Shea, which was a life saver.  As I write in the office today the shoot seems to be getting punted, but being her first call was something I’m grateful for.  I want to be seen as a problem solver and someone people trust with ‘hugh leverage’ situations.  Not surprised to have gotten pushed off today, but still thankful for being valued here at the office.  Also a tremendous reminder of the importance of health.  Brian is a relatively young guy, with all the money and success anyone could hope for.  I’m guessing he would trade all of it to be ‘regular’ and free from cancer to enjoy the simple pleasures life offers us every day.  Carpe diem.

10/11/21:  Spent the last few days at Louie’s place in Maine.  All of us went, including Cam.  Had a good time as always, though my eating was off the rails.  We rode the Quads one afternoon and that was a blast.  The kids really enjoy spending time up there and with the DaSilva’s.  Some of the other local kids came up one night and we had a little bash.  Played pool, ping-pong, music, drinking, food etc.  Their house is beautiful and Lou and Trish are great hosts and take care of everything.  Grateful to have a family weekend away and for great, lifelong friends that we still enjoy spending time with.

10/8/21:  Went into the office yesterday to begin work on the Service Anniversary video project.  I hired EmVision of course and we spent the day filming at NPA.  I interviewed Kathrin, Dolph, Deb and Mark Brightman.  I also got interviewed myself, which spntaneously happened because Bryony was unable to make it to the office.  Always enjoy the process and spending time with the SLT folks.  They are a genuinely nice crew of people and it’s helpful to see that first hand being an employee.  It helps reinforce that despite the issues we all face in our jobs, the people at the top have good hearts and intentions.  At one point as I was interviewing Mark, he broke down emotionally.  I think he felt the gratitude of being at Hasbro the same way I do.  Not surprised as he is one of my closest work buddies and leads with his heart, like me.  Thankful for the opportunity to do creative work and have some level of control over the outcome on this project.

10/6/21:  Sox / Yankees last night for the tie-breaker AL Wildcard game.  Boston won and looked great throughout.  Game was at Fenway and the place was packed and loud.  Really cool to watch playoff baseball as always, but even cooler to see the NYY get bounced by Boston.  I was texting a lot with Barry during the game which was also nice.  He’s one of my oldest friends but we don’t see each other much.  Hoping we can get together this winter and play some music.  He’s an incredible musician and it’s been a real honor, the few times I’ve gotten to jam with him.

I missed Quincy’s meet last night.  First one this season I haven’t been able to attend, but it was nearly an hour away in Milford and I couldn’t get out of work early enough.  Regardless, he ran another PR and finished the 5k in 19:50, when his goal was to run a sub-20.  Truly amazing at how far he’s come and how motivated he is to get better.  There are only a couple meets left and I plan to get to as many as possible.  Not seeing him run much last year with covid made me realize how special this time is.  Couldn’t be happier for him and seeing him push his mind and body while also seeing successful results is just about the best thing I can imagine as his dad.  Grateful.

10/5/21:  Cold and rainy these past couple days.  Definitely fall, with the nights getting cool and dark earlier each day.  Q had pasta night with the team in advance of the XX meet today.  He really enjoys them and it’s been a great opportunity for the kids to bond and for him to make deeper friendships with kids on the team.  He always asks Lisa to make something, which of course she loves, but mildly complains about.  Grateful for his progress with the social aspects of the team as well as the physical improvements.  Also grateful that Lisa is such a great mom and helps support him and the kids through cooking and other ways.

10/4/21:  Visited Wayne’s place yesterday for a little party.  He had some people over since his brother Mick is in town from California.  I only hung out with him a few times, once in LA at a Dodger game when I was out there for work and another when he visited Boston a few years back.  He’s a great guy and someone I always heard about growing up from the Gasm crew.  He moved away before I got to know him, but it’s been nice to make a newer/old friend.  Wayne is always awesome as is Deb.  Homer jammed a bit which is always great and we ran into a few friends from the old timer crew, including the Schiffer’s and Laura Collins.  Grateful to have old time friends around even if we don’t see them very often.  Also grateful for Homer and his music.  I hope we can do something more together in the future.  The world needs to experience him more!

Pats lost to the Bucs in the Brady Comes Back game.  They had a chance at the end but missed a long field goal.  No matter, the team really isn’t very good.  That said, I’m thankful for Brady and all his years of immense play for the local team.  Tons of enjoyment he’s brought to millions of people around here and he’s genuinely a role model in the way he handles himself.

10/3/21:  Bella and Cam slept here the night before so it was nice to see them in the morning.  I made them all pancakes while Lisa got ready for work.  Afterward, I went over to the condo and worked on the bathroom lights upstairs.  I got two of the fixtures taken down, cleaned and re-hung and I hung the new one in the master bath.  Came out nice and I bought new bulbs so everything is even and bright.  I’ve got to hang the mirrors back up and fix a few of the accessories then finish cleaning both bathrooms again.  It will be nice to have at least one part of the house finished and done.

Painting is going much slower than I hoped, but Jim is at least showing up and making some progress.  I’m trying to be patient but it’s been harder lately the closer we are getting.  I’ve put so much effort into getting this far I’m worried we are going to somehow miss the crest.  I’m thankful to be so near the end and trying to breathe and let him do the job.

Had a fire in the backyard by myself for a while, then with Lisa once she got home.  Listened to the Sox game and it was a real nail biter.  They are vying for the wildcard with one game left and are dead tied with NYY.  Sox went into the season with ideas of re-building, while the Yankees were easily the favorite to make the World Series from the AL.  Yanks have underperformed while the Sox have exceeded expectations.  I don’t think they have enough good players to make a real run, but it’s still nice to see them push to the end and possibly knock off the Yankees, which would be kinda cool.  Always thankful for playoff baseball and sports in general.  I’ve been following nearly my entire life and it’s always been something that brought me joy.

10/2/21:  Went into Boston with Lisa last night.  We dropped off Q to meet Cam and Bella to go to J.Cole at the Garden.  We grabbed dinner at Pho Pasteur, since we couldn’t get into Q :/ — food is always good but not as special of an experience as Q.  Anyways, we met the kids, put them in an Uber to the gig and Lisa and I saw the Many Saints of Newark, Sopranos movie.  We are most definitely superfans so it was something I looked forward to.  It was cool to see it in a real theater that was pretty full.  I enjoyed it though it basically felt like a long episode, as opposed to a film.  Story was about Chrissie’s dad, Dicky and all the factors that led to Tony growing up into who he became.  They nailed the crew with all their quirks and paid homage to so many stories and episodes from the show.  I’m sure I missed some things and will rewatch for sure.  Grateful to spend a fun night with Lisa and the kids and for heading into the city.  We haven’t gone to Boston much recently and I’m thankful to live between two really great cities.

10/1/21:  Hiked up to Franklin yesterday for Q’s latest cross country match.  He ran well and beat the kid who usually finishes ahead of him on Taunton Varsity.  It was fun watching him run as always and I’ve been psyched to get to know more of the kids on his team.  Such a great group and environment they have together.  They went to Kev’s afterward and I got a super nice text from Dave Purdy about Q.  Essentially, he said how impressive he was and how inclusive he is.  He said it’s made an impact on Jacob, but he’s also seen it with other kids and he wanted to let us know.  How proud I am of Quincy.  He really is an amazing dude.  In addition to his running, leadership and empathy, he is also super talented in music, smart as a motherfucker and also becoming a diligent worker.  Lisa and I couldn’t be happier or love him any more.  Grateful for such an awesome kid and for feeling like a success as a parent.

Got a note from Nick yesterday about the Band Gig results and we are getting a $450 check.  It’s amazing to have so many cool people supporting the cause.  It’s a meaningful amount and will definitely come in handy.  I’m expecting my refund from Narrows still, after cancelling the Rawkstars event and I have outstanding donations from Perry as well as two matching checks from Hasbro.  All told, we are still hovering at around $50k in the bank, coming up on the end of the year, which is amazing.  I need to figure out a way to start spending more of that down and helping more kids.  I want to do a studio/video thing, but haven’t had the bandwidth lately since work and the condo thing are such looming areas of focus.  Hoping I can squeeze something in before year’s end to highlight the kids and the amazing year Rawkstars has had.  Thankful indeed!

Weighed myself this morning for the first time in a few weeks.  I always shy away from the scale when I’m going badly, since I don’t want to see the damage I suppose.  That said, I had a great weigh in at 258 after a week of trying to turn myself around.  I’m still way up from last year, but I was preparing for 265, so it felt pretty good to see improvement and of course feel it.  Thankful for another day to try and treat my body with the respect it deserves and nourish it so it can continue to serve my goal of living a long and healtful life.

9/30/21:  Continued mindful eating and taking bits of time for myself yesterday.  Certainly nothing fancy or complex, just breathing a bit slower, paying more attention to movement and small appreciations.  I got out during lunch and mowed the lawn.  Always feels good to take care of the landscape and be outside.  Spending so much time online these days for work staring at the screen, it’s becoming more important to force breaks and breathe fresh air.  It’s also a nice, easy way to get joyful movement in my day while also being productive and practical.

Got a grant submitted to Reverb, the online gear company.  Looking to bolster the studio space in hopes of finally getting to a point where I can record or stream on demand AND with enough raw quality for potential post-production.  I really want to spend more time with music and video being creative outside of work.  Not sure if having the gear will push me (probably not) but I also connceted with my friend Chris Robinson at work, about helping me get everything setup.  He’s a knowledgable guy about such things and we’ve become pretty friendly over the years.  Grateful to have someone offering me support and connection.

9/29/21:  Couple solid mindful days under my belt lately.  Yes, that’s a constant up/down here in this space, but it’s a great reminder that even a few days strung together can change the way you feel quite a bit.  Work has been super duper hectic and I continue to juggle lots of project work.  I’m not gettingmuch traction on the philanthropy side and most of my current work is related to events or in support of Employee Experience.  Not as enjoyable for me, but much better than where I left off with IT last year, so I’m trying to keep my perspective in check.  Lots of people I know have been making career changes lately and getting big roles.  It’s leaving me a bit anxious about my own spot, but I know it’s mostly my ego getting in the way, as my life is going quite well in most ways.  Thankful to have a bit of a view into what’s happening, even if it still occurs.

9/28/21:  Took a nice walk after work with Lisa.  Been really needing ways to unwind that are healthy for me, but not paying enough attention lately.  I’m juggling so many things at Hasbro and also the condo sale, Rawkstars and my personal life and feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Taking some time to just walk quietly in the fresh air was really great and I’m in need of much more focus on self-care.  Taking care of the yard, walking, meditating, reading, going to the gym and practicing music are all ways in which I can take better care of myself and I’m grateful that I got a taste of at least one yesterday.

Been working on a small grant application through Reverb, to acquire some gear for the studio.  Asked my old friend Dave Malekpour for a reference and of course, he obliged.  Hopeful we’ll get the credits to purchase some more gear and continue the journey of building out the space to perform, record and stream in support of Rawkstars.  Thankful for friends like Dave and for the resources to do something I love even better.

9/27/21:  Visited Bella for parents weekend at Assumption yesterday.  Nothing special, but it was nice to connect with her and Cam.  We saw her dorm, which is really nice as well as Cam’s bachelor pad.  His folks came for a while too, so we got to see them for the second time.  Nice people and easy-going.  It was a beautiful fall day and the campus really shines under that light.  It was quiet there and we took the kids to Nu Kitchen, the healthy restaurant off campus we’ve come to frequent.  Always thankful to see the kids, but especially glad Bella seems to be enjoying her college experience, much more so than last year.

On Saturday we attended a student concert, put together by Band-Gig, as a fundraiser for Rawkstars.  My old friend Nick Vecchio runs the school and invited us down.  We met his wife, who was also super nice as well as several parents and of course music students.  My friend Jonathan Cardoni came down and shot some pics and we also met his wife Carol.  Super nice people and it was cool to have another little event to benefit Rawkstars.  Not sure how much it raised but regardless it was cool to be honored.  I got to speak which is always a welcome practice to hone my chops and I’m sure a small check will show up at some point.  Grateful for all the goodwill shown to Rawkstars and by extension, me.  We continue to be in a strong financial position and are trending towards ending the year on a high note all around, despite the pandemic, cancelling our event and other challenges in the landscape of nonprofits.

9/24/21:  Took Q to Lynyrd Skynyrd last night.  I got the tickets free from Mike O’Hare a few months back.  He donated them and the intention was to raffle them off at the event.  Since that didn’t happen and in the current climate, concert tickets have very little value, I asked Quincy if he wanted to go, so they wouldn’t be wasted.  The plan was to arrive late and leave early.  I love Skynyrd, but the current iteration is a glorified tribute act and I figured it would just be a cool way to break up the week and hang with the boy.

We arrived just as Teslsa were taking the stage and we sat way in the back, where the seats were located.  Tons of empties, as the concert business is still recovering.  We watched a few tunes and I got him some food.  After a few songs I got a text from my friend Perry, who was sitting in the front section.  He sent me two tickets to come down and join him.

So me and Q walked around and made our way down to the floor, which of course was light years better and it started to feel like a Rawk Show.  We hung out with Perry and his friend and got a couple beers after Tesla finished.  Once Skynyrd came on, the place came much more alive.  Everyone was standing and the energy took off to a proper level.  Band wasn’t amazing, but it was nice to be outside with a couple friends, hanging with Q and seeing live music.  We didn’t stay til the end, but watched most of their set.  Highlight was Simple Man, which was awesome to sing out loud with a big crowd next to my son :). Thankful for friends, music and my relationship with Quincy.

9/22/21:  Went and saw Q’s track meet yesterday.  It’s been so great getting back to being a track parent!  He’s doing so awesome and he ran a PR again.  He wasn’t satisfied with his placement, since he is trying to stay with the varsity group, but he continues to improve nearly every single run.  I’m so fucking proud of the kid and really enjoy seeing him grow.  He’s become a team leader for sure and the night prior, he had the kids over to the house for pasta night.  Great bunch of kids and so thankful that he discovered running.

I also got caught up on some amazing FB posts and notes I received after my bday.  I generally think FB is poison, but the memories section is cool to remind myself of past events and also to think how things have changed.  I also enjoyed reading a post that Lisa wrote about me when I turned 50.  It made me cry and I was so very moved by her words.  Grateful for my amazing wife and for the incredible network of people I’ve managed to amass over the years.  It’s a loving, smart and kind group that makes me who I am.

9/20/21:  51 today.  Looking back, it’s been a pretty amazing year.  Gaining weight has been tough and that continues to be a struggling point for me in terms of getting my heatlh prioritized and in a better place.  The other measures of success are strong.  I’ve talked plenty about our financial situation and that continues to be on the uptick.  Lisa and I are in a solid place and over the last couple months it feels better for us.  Bella is doing great and having Cam in her life this year has been a plus.  Q is crushing it between his running, starting a job and continuing to kill school.  Hasbro is a source of awesomeness most times and I’m on more solid footing with this last part of my corporate career than I have been in years.  Rawkstars has more money in the bank than ever and more students than ever at one time.  Heavy Mellow is building and even though we have had fits and starts and covid related challenges, it’s been a source of enjoyment and creative energy for me.  Thankful for another year of life and for all the blessings I’m surrounded by, even the ones that don’t go the way I want.

9/19/21:  Took Lisa to the Greek Food Festival in Brockton last night.  Was a nice change and we ran into some people we knew, which was cool.  Saw Tony Ios from Upromise days, which was awesome.  Met so many great people there who continue to be part of my life.  Super thankful for the time I spent there and even ultimately getting laid off was a positive and lead directly to our ability to buy the PV Condo, using the severance check I got as our down payment.

Did lots of other errands, including taking my old ‘Chinese Guy’ painting to be framed.  It’s been hanging out in our bedroom the last few months on the floor.  I decided to give it a proper framing and protect it, after 40 years.  Felt good to celebrate that period of my life a bit and think back on being a little kid.  I painted about 5 pieces back then, but most of them were works of a little kid, nothing special.  This one was by far the best of the bunch and I’m genuinely proud of it.  Thankful that I had some kind of art talent as a kid and that there is some remnant of it still in the world.

9/18/21:  Went to the movies yesterday with Lisa.  We saw the Clint Eastwood film.  Not that great, but seeing Clint at 91 was just a marvel.  Dude is the goat and I’m happy he is still doing what he loves, after all this time, even if the level at which he’s doing it isn’t great.  It was nice to attend a movie of any sort, after so long away.  The place was empty and we enjoyed the theater to ourselves.  We had popcorn, of course, and it was nice to hole up in a cinema for a couple hours mid-day.  Grateful for the time together.

Got things settled in with the painter yesterday at the condo.  Met him there one last time and gave a deposit.  He already dropped off his gear and is scheduled to begin on Monday.  Fingers crossed it goes smoothly with him, as I think the painting is the biggest factor in getting the place ready for sale.  I need to get an electrician to hang some fixtures, but don’t expect that to be too difficult or expensive.  Lisa and I will be going over this weekend for some cleaning and other prep work.  Exciting time and looking forward to getting the place in the best possible shape.  Grateful to be in this position and excited to see how it unfolds over the next few weeks.  Worst case scenario is we’ll have a beautifully refreshed unit to rent for top dollar, if for some reason we cannot sell it.

Seems like there may be an issue again with our tenants at Azalea.  I got a notice from the software that Bob hasn’t paid rent this month.  There have been other instances of weird behavior in the system, so I’m not 100% convinced that it’s a problem yet, but I tried reaching out to Nexus yesterday and haven’t yet heard back.  I’m planning to try and call them today to see what’s up.  Might be possible that we’ll have to move to evict.  Not sure what kind of expense or stress that will add, but in some way, getting Bob out of the place might not be the worst thing ever.  Grateful for being in the position of owning property, even though stress and issues like this are part of the equation sometimes.

9/17/21:  Yesterday was my one year anniversary coming over to the Philanthropy group.  It’s been a great run and I continue to enjoy the day to day.  I’ve been a bit frustrated lately with some of the projects, both on the Employee Experience side as well as the Purpose projects I’ve been part of.  Lots of running in circles without benefit of exceptional outputs.  That’s part of the job sometimes and I hope it will turn around soon.  All that aside, I’m in such an exponentially better place all around than this time last year.  Work has mostly been awesome and I can see myself doing this for a long time.  Financially, we are in the best shape of our lives and both of the kids are doing great.  Lisa and I are in a better place than we have been for much of the year and although not perfect, we are still in love and it feels like things have calmed between us and we are both working at it again.  Thankful.

Gary and Sue officially moved out!  I’ve been at the condo about 5 times in the last week and it’s weird to see it in such an empty state.  They are supposed to be 100% done today and cleaned.  I had Dan Almeda put in a new hot water tank and replace the upstairs toilet.  I’ve tentatively got a painter on the hook who I am hoping will start work Monday.  That has been a bit stressful honestly and I won’t be relaxed about it until he’s there and underway with the work.  Still need some electrical and lots of cleaning, but hopeful we can work hard and spend a few bucks over the next few weeks and be ready for listing on October 1st.  Grateful and excited.

9/14/21:  Went into the office yesterday and had lunch with Dolph.  He’s such a great guy and I’m thankful for all he has done for me.  We ate outside in the 1011 Executive ‘Zen Garden’, which is amazing.  We talked about family, etc. and while we ate, Kathrin and her new comms person came out as well.  It was really the first time I’d connected with her in person, since she took over our group during covid.  So nice to feel included in that group and have such capable people around me at work.  I’m coming up on my 1 year anniversary with the team and will surely have plenty to say about that.

Got blown off by a painter after work, but connected via phone with one I met last week.  We came to a basic agreement on $3k – $3.5k for the job, which seems totally fair.  Fingers crossed I can confirm with him today and have him start on Monday.  That will be a big step towards getting the place ready for sale and I’m thankful for moving forward in the process and hopeful about what the next several weeks will bring.

9/13/21:  Lunch for Nana’s 100th bday yesterday!  She was really happy and some of my mom’s cousins came down for the event.  Her brother Morris’ two kids, Arlene and Steven both came with their spouses, plus a cousin named Ellen.  They were all super nice and friendly and seemed genuinely happy to be there.  It was a nice change from the awkward family dinners we typically have.  Ben was calm and paid for the whole shebang.  That must have cost him months of saving, but I know it was a big deal to him and nice that he was able to treat everyone.  Randy really seemed to have a good time and got pretty sentimental, which was also nice to see.  Sometimes with him, it’s easy to forget that he’s got feelings too.  He brought some old pics and was chatting with the cousins quite a bit.  I ate terribly, which was a theme of the weekend.  Made me grateful to have a chance today to restart and for home cooked food.  Eating at restaurants is not good for me and I prefer to keep it to an occasional nicety.

9/12/21:  Drove to Worcester last night to meet Cam’s parents for dinner.  Since the show got cancelled, we decided to meet them, since they were planning to come to the gig.  Bella and Cam and his brother/girlfriend joined us and we hung out for a couple hours.  They were really nice and it was cool to finally get a bit of flavor from his family.  We talked and had a crappy, sports bar meal :). They seemed like really down to Earth people, and we had fun connecting.  Grateful that Bella is doing so well and has such a good relationship with Cam.  She learned from her first couple boyfriend experiences and found someone who makes her smile.

On the way over, we stopped and met the Kinyanjui family.  Tatiana has been enrolled at Rawkstars for many years.  She’s grown from a little girl into a 16 year old who is driving.  She’s in school for auto-engineering at the Worcester Technical HS.  She loves her music lessons and it clearly has had an impact on her trajectory.  Trevin, her 11 year old brother, is now the newest Rawkstars student.  We brought him a keyboard and he took his first lesson last week.  Betty and their dad are super nice people and I’m thankful to have been able to connect with them.  Cancelling the gig was of course a bummer, but this made up for it a bit.  I feel truly lucky to be able to impact these folks positively, because of the support our fan club members have demonstrated.  Feeling the love and good fortune!

9/11/21:  Went to PeaceLove yesterday and participated in their Scribl workshop as part of the documentary film being done on them.  It was a nice day and they have a great space.  I met a ton of new/cool/interesting people and I enjoyed the time there.  The filming made it slow but that just served to allow time to talk and mingle with the others who took part.  I met a cool chick from Turkey who is finishing her masters in sexual psychology.  I met a guy named Omar who has his own clothing brand and another guy named Marvin who spent 25+ years touring as part of a dance company from R.I.  I enjoyed participating in the art piece too.  I felt super relaxed and it was nice share and connect with strangers.  Also honored to be asked by Jeff, the founder.  He’s doing well with the nonprofit and I’ve enjoyed getting to know him, Matt the other co-founder as well as the PeaceLove staff.  I expect to be doing cool stuff with them through Hasbro as well as potentially on the Rawkstars side.

9/8/21:  Made the call to cancel the Rawkstars event yesterday.  After sleeping on it (and having trouble actually falling asleep) I started the process yesterday morning.  I emailed all the bands first.  I reached out to the venue via email and started to get in touch with all the individuals who volunteered, etc.  I spoke with Mitch at Boston Beer, Alison from Confectionary and all the moms/kids who were performing.  I did all of this throughout the morning/afternoon during work.  Once I had signed off for the day, I formatted a note to send to the guests and ticket buyers, which I posted on FB.  I started getting an overwhelming list of notes, all 100% positive, about the cancellation.  It felt kind of amazing to be drenched in supportive comments about the decision.  Everyone not only understood but applauded the stance, which was a bit unexpected, to be honest.  I eventually heard back from Narrows who said they would refund us.  I’m left with a bunch of merch, but am certain to be able to put those to use.  Some people also offered to donate the ticket cost back, but since I didn’t want to take financial advantage of the situation, I auto-refunded all ticket sales immediately.  Funny how something that felt so negative turned into a huge positive, almost instantly.  I’m so fortunate to be surrounded  by amazing people and loving, generous supporters of Rawkstars.  It really is an amazing situation and I continue to live a blessed existence with gratitude aplenty.

In the evening, I visited PV with a couple painters.  Sue and Gary are on track to be out of the condo next week and I want to get the ball rolling on all the updates we’ll need to get the place in shape for sale.  After more careful examination, there are several things that need updating and I’m assuming we will spend more than expected to get it where it needs to be.  I already called the plumber about replacing the water tank and will go from there.  I know the next few weeks are going to he hectic and probably expensive.  That said, we are going to make out well from this sale, even with extra expenses now.  I’m thankful the transition is going smooth and that our tenants found a great place to move.  Again, lucky as hell.

9/7/21:  Got news yesterday that Jerry has covid.  That means that Moonstruck & WS won’t be able to play the event.  It didn’t start yesterday but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the veracity of the event and am leaning towards cancelling it.  Hard to even type, but it’s true.  Besides Jerry, I learned that Bob’s wife Dawn also has covid.  He hasn’t tested positive, but of course they live together.  I’m feeling increasingly responsible for the well being of 300 of my closest friends and their families.  If one of the health compromised folks involved got covid, I’d be filled with regret even moreso than the regret I’d feel from tossing all the work I put into the gig.  Being in charge of stuff is hard.  It’s not a new concept to me as I’ve been in charge of things most of my life.  That said, it’s always hard to recognize and admit when things need to change course.  I’ve got a lot of loose ends that will need to be buttoned up.  Refunding tickets, figuring out a refund with the venue and sorting out how to sell of the merch I bought are just a few.  All those aside, the sunk cost of all the energy and time I’ve put into the event is the hardest.  Thankful for my health.

9/6/21:  Went to Worcester yesterday and met Bella and Cam for lunch.  We brought Quincy up there so the three of them could go to the Joyner Lucas concert they bought tickets for a few months ago.  Q stayed over at Bella’s dorm.  We met at the burger joint and I got a salad.  Felt good about it and left plenty satisfied, as I munched on a few fries and some hummus also.  Was nice to see the kids and I’m grateful they are hanging out with Quincy for the night.  It’s good for him to get out of our place once in a while and get a new perspective on his situation.  We had a quiet night afterward, and went to bed early.  Grateful for my family and where everyone is at in life, individually and collectively.

Practiced the 9/11 song with Lisa a bit.  Got the keyboard setup and everything ready in advance of our rehearsal this Thursday.  I want to be prepared when Greg and Mike come by so we can hit it hard and get comfortable quickly.  It’s going to be ambitious and also emotional.  I’ve been reading and watching lots of 9/11 content in the run up to the gig and it’s a reminder of how hard that time was and how deeply sad and scared everyone was.  I’m thinking through WTF I’m going to say during the interlude and am getting a touch nervous about being able to convey the gravity and meaning, while holding it together and not getting everyone down.  Thankful to be reminded of how lucky I am to be alive and to pay a tiny tribute to those who aren’t as fortunate because of that horrific day.

9/5/21:  Spent some time in the yard yesterday.  August is usually NOT a yard work month.  Typically, the grass doesn’t grow as much, gets burnt and it’s too hot to do much work out there.  My patio has gotten overrun with weeds from all the rain and my lack of keeping up with them.  After cutting the lawn, I spent about 30 minutes pulling and spraying out there.  It needs more TLC but at least I got stared.  I also need to edge and do some trimming of the bushes.  Figure September will give me some weekend days to get the yard fall ready.  Thankful for our home and outside space.  It’s been a great place for us to live and raise the kids.

Did a touch of practicing yesterday, and ran through the Jay-Z song with Quincy.  Felt good to finally kinda try it and we are supposed to be rehearsing it on Thursday night with the full band.  Thankful to do this project with the whole family and excited to have Q especially perform it.

9/4/21:  Oyster Bar with Lisa last night.  We ate outside and had a great meal, as is always the case there.  It was nice to have a date night and do some talking.  Another nice night of intimacy, which has been on the uptick lately and it feels good to invest some time and energy into our marriage.

Took a nice bike ride yesterday, as has been my Friday pattern for the last 4 weeks.  Didn’t go to R.I., but just headed out from the house to make it easier.  Ride was different but good.  Much more hilly and there are a few stretches where I’m actually climbing.  Got a new rack for the car, which is a much better version than the cheap one I’ve had for 10 years.  I didn’t drop any lbs. during my weekly weigh in, but still thankful to continue prioritizing my health and not letting bumps derail me.  Long way to go but am enjoying the improved feeling of fitness that’s been with me lately, even in small doses.

9/3/21:  Saw a comedy show with Mike Colucci last night.  He buzzed me out of the blue, which is how we kinda roll together.  Said he had an extra ticket for Doug Stanhope at The Wilbur.  I jumped at it and we met up for dinner beforehand, then took in the show.  Mike’s a great guy and we have a cool history together.  We met originally back in the Gasm days, when he was a DJ over at WBCN.  He was always close with the band, especially Rich, and we became friends through the years.  He’s been the linchpin for some seriously awesome times for me.  First ever Winter Classic at Fenway Park, Mike brought me.  Pete Townsend performance and book signing at Berklee, Mike took me.  Bruins Stanley Cup film debut at Lowe’s Boston, you guessed it.  Billy Joel with passes to the Red Sox dugout, Mike again.  Super grateful for our connection and to have such a caring friend.

9/2/21:  Had a flurry of package deliveries yesterday.  On one hand it’s amazing to live in the era of near instant delivery of things, and with such a plethora of choices.  On the other hand, I’m not sure it’s good for society or individuals to behave like this.  Definitely not good for the planet.

In either case, I got the merch for the Rawkstars event.  Everything looks great and I’m excited to see people wearing the new shirts.  I also received the wireless pouch for my bass strap — feels and looks awesome!  Got my credit card reader, which will come in handy at the gig and elsewhere down the road.  Lastly, I got the stereo equalizer for my PA.  I got it roughly setup and I think it sounds ok.  Hard to tell until I get a band in the room and start really tweaking the system.  It’s a pretty cheap feeling unit, but still feels like an upgrade.  Time will tell.

Anyways, I am grateful for the ability to buy things I want and need and living in a time when it’s readily available.  I try not to go overboard and keep a healthy balance of saving money, and still enjoying the fruits of my hard work.

9/1/21:  Can’t believe it’s September.  Fall is an awesome time of year, but admittedly, I wish it were still summer a while longer.  Had coffee with Juliet Mervis yesterday at the office.  She is an old work friend and she reached out about connecting, which was really nice.  We caught up on life and it made the day nicer to connect with someone up close and personal.

Later in the afternoon, I met Bob Mayo, also for coffee.  See a pattern?  I brought him a case of Wargasm DVD’s that I found in my closet while cleaning one day.  It was nice to get those out of the house and into the hands of someone who can use them, but more nice was sitting with an old friend.  I’ve known Bob since I was about 17 and we’ve got a lot of shared experiences together over the years.  He’s easy to talk with and we never have any trouble keeping the conversation going.

Grateful for human contact and time catching up with friends.  And for coffee 🙂

8/30/21:  I’ve written about band practice before, but yesterday was terrific.  I’ve been tweaking up the sound in our room the last several times and it’s really improved.  I started mic’ing the kick and snare, which really makes it pop.  The other instruments are in better context now and you can ‘feel’ the tempos better while playing.  I also have my rig sounding better all the time and am getting really comfy with my most recent bass.  We are coming together nicely and I’m already looking forward to learning new songs, once we pump out the set one more time at the 9/11 gig.  Thankful to be in a ‘real band’ again and making such good progress together.

Had some nice sex with Lisa last night.  I haven’t written about this subject much because it hasn’t been an area of gratitude I suppose.  It’s improved a bit lately and we’ve been closer over the last couple months.  Last night felt more like a few years back when I had more energy/interest in sex.  I know it’s been a sore spot for us, mutually, for different reasons, but it was nice to have it back even for a night.  Grateful for being attracted to my wife and for all the love we’ve shared over the years, even if it isn’t all perfect.

8/29/21:  Went to Providence by myself yesterday afternoon as Lisa and Q were both working.  I stopped at the Greek Market and bought some stuff to make homemade pizza.  Some fresh feta, imported olives and this red pepper tomato paste.  Added spinach and red onion and it came out nice on the grill.  I walked and drove around a bit just feeling the neighborhoods.  Thankful for awesome food and for the love of cooking.

Things are ramping up around the gig, which is less than 2 weeks away.  Yikes!  Feeling more buttoned up today after sending everyone a note about the band details.  Starting to heavily push the event and try to get as many people in the room as possible.  Feeling like it might be a down year for attendance, but that’s almost to be expected with the current state of the world.  If we get 250 I’ll consider that a success.  I’m not looking to make nearly as much money this year either and treating it more like a celebration for our fan club folks and families.  Of course making my money back is the responsible thing for the business, but sometimes you need to spend a little to invest in the future, without immediate returns.  I’m thankful for everyone who is part of the event, from the bands to the workers and the attendees.  It takes a lot to make something like this happen and I’m grateful to have so much support.

8/28/21:  Dropped another 2lbs this week and hit the bike path for the 3rd consecutive Friday ride.  It’s been a great pattern and definitely helping me keep up the joyful movement.  It was hot out and the path was empty for a change.  In some ways it was nice not having to dodge so many others but I think I also missed the bustle a bit.  I met Jenn Webb afterward for my iced coffee and turkey sandwich.  I haven’t seen her in a while since she left Hasbro but always really liked spending time with her.  She’s funny, smart and cool all around.  We had some laughs and I had to kind of hurry back, since I also had plans to meet Kevin for a couple drinks @ 4:30.  We sat at the bar and I ordered non-alcoholic beers.  I haven’t drank in about 6 weeks and that was actually the first time I even touched the fake beers.  They are helpful in keeping me on track with being in social situations like that.  It was good to catch up and he told me all about his dream job working for this Austrian billionaire.  Happy he found that, as he has bounced around to lots of firms over the years and this seems right up his alley.  Thankful I got time with some friends, while also being mindful of my health.

8/27/21:  Met up with Gary and Sue in person finally.  They have everything locked in and will be moving out by 9/15, only about 3+ weeks away!  The place looked solid and although I know I am going to have some expenses (cleaning, painting, new hot water heater, etc.) the condo appears to be in solid shape.  Once they have it emptied, I’ll be able to do a proper inspection and start in with the updates.  It’s an exciting development for sure and it ‘feels’ like the timing is still good for selling it.  If all goes well, we should be able to list and start showing it by 10/1 I’d imagine.  The market still seems hot and we’ll hope for a full price, quick sale.  I know there will be some stressful moments over the next few months.  It would be hard to go through such a big transaction without any bumps, but I’m really excited to be at the doorstep of this change.  Taking PV off my mental list will be nice.  Having a large influx of cash will also of course help.  If we are able to pay off Azalea, and squeeze in a nice vacation, it will feel great.  Azalea will become a real income generator at that point and we’ll have lots of options going forward, should we ever need to borrow, refinance, sell, hold, move, etc.  Feeling really fortunate to have bought PV 10 years ago.  That initial investment of $35k, most of which was the check I got from my Upromise severance, really paid off.  We are in the strongest financial position of our life and did it all on our own.  Feeling thankful and a little proud.

8/25/21:  Reconnected with Kevin Bento.  He reached out about an interview at Hasbro.  I haven’t talked with him in a few years but always had a ton of love for the guy.  He got divorced last year and is back living with his folks and trying to re-enter the job market after being a stay at home dad, during covid.  Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like the Hasbro interview went too well, but I did attempt to reach out to the hiring manager and HR to give him a plug.  He’s always been a thoughtful, humble, generous, loving type guy and I was happy to talk with him, even though my help didn’t seem to matter.  Grateful that Kevin is in my family and that we spent some time getting re-connected.

Heard from Gary over at PV that he and Sue found a home and are going to be moving!  He says they are targeting mid-September for closing, which is only a few weeks away.  There will most definitely be a ton of work for me over the next few months, but this is what we were after.  Feeling hopeful about the process and the options we will have on the other side.  Most likely considering using the payout to get rid of the mortage on Azalea.  That would leave us holding 3 paid off houses (well 2.5 really 🙂 and generating monthly income of about $1500 from Azalea.  We can start investing that money for Q’s college fund or whatever seems most prudent.  it will also remove the burden of a 4th property from my consciousness, which I think will be a good thing.  Grateful for the good fortune and financial stability my family enjoys.

8/24/21:  Got out for a second weekly run yesterday.  Just going to the middle school and back, 1.75 miles.  Did about a minute better than last week and felt a tiny bit more comfortable.  I could have run a bit further today, whereas last week I was running on empty.  Feels good to have a tiny bit of momentum towards turning the ship around health-wise.  Thankful for my body and health, even though it’s not perfect.

I finally got in touch with the Narrows folks about the gig and we are all set to move ahead without vax proof.  It takes a lot of pressure off me to decide what to do and whether to cancel the event.  I’m looking forawrd to it and although attendance might flag as compared to ‘normal’ years, I still beleive we will have a great event.

Had some creative time at work and designed a newsletter that I’m happy about.  Grateful to be able to flex my art muscle from time to time at work.

8/23/21:  Band practice yesterday.  We sounded GREAT.  Probably our best jam ever.  Everyone was sharp, but relaxed and the room sounded tight.  I tweaked my bass sound a bit and also mic’ed up the kick drum for the first time.  It added a nice level of groove that I think made us focus just a touch more.  Whatever the cause, it was nice and felt strong.  Thankful to play with these guys as always and for holding my own.

Hurricane Henri was a dud.  Lots of talk and warnings leading up to a small amount of rain.  Grateful we didn’t experience any damage and the impact was little to nothing on most areas.

Made it through the weekend eating reasonably.  No wild swings and while I wasn’t perfect, I feel it was a sustainable approach.  Continuing the pushup regimen and aiming for a second run sometime today to start the momentum going this week.

Getting lots of questions about the gig situation, since the Narrows published a no-vax/no-entry policy this week.  It’s causing me some stress.  Jerry, who plays in 2 of the bands, is not vaxxed.  I’ll either have to let people know we are not following that directive, or more than likely cancel.  Patrick is not responding to my email, which is adding to my anxiety.  In the end, if we have to cancel, I’ll be mildly disappointed, but also a touch relieved.  I’ll be most bummed about not performing and the energy lost putting everything in place.  Out of my hands to a large degree so we’ll see what this week brings in the world of covid.  Thankful everything else is on track and I’m healthy.

8/22/21:  Visited Bella in Worcester yesterday.  Visitors aren’t yet allowed at the school, so we met for lunch off campus.  I brought her some stuff she left behind and her new glasses that arrived this week.  It was nice to see her and catch up after a week away.  We had a nice vegetarian bowl for lunch and some pressed juices.  She’s got a lot of responsibility with the RA position, but seems happy to be in the fold.  I think she’s glad to have some interaction with others that isn’t classroom related.  It’s the kind of interaction you hope for at college but that she got little of last year.  Seems like another step forward in her development and will reflect well on her resume, imo.  I’m thankful to have had the chance to visit her so soon and for the great food and conversation we shared.

8/21/21:  Weighed in yesterday at 261.  I had been floating at 265+, so it felt good to have a lower trajectory over the last couple weeks.  I followed up by hitting the bike path again, which felt great.  After the ride, I met Ecem over at Blue Kangaroo, the lunch/coffee spot I sometimes visit.  Was great to see her and she has become a really good friend over the last few years.  She’s easy to talk to, smart, funny and insightful.  I got this sandwich that I love called The Popeye, which is turkey, spinach, tomato, pesto and asiago cheese.  Yumm!  Was a great way to spend the afternoon.  Grateful for my health focus lately, good friends and good food!

8/19/21:  Had lunch with Mark Oglia yesterday.  Hadn’t seen him in a few years but always enjoy spending time.  He’s funny, smart and easy to talk with.  We caught up on everything and had brunch at a cool place in Easton called Farmer’s Daughter.  Had an amazing breakfast plate and will definitely return.  Thankful for old friends, catching up and being in a position to meet for lunch on a whim, despite keeping down a full time job.

I got a text from Aaron asking me about a second Tom Tom for his drum kit.  I had an extra from my kit in the rehearsal space, so I went to meet him and drop it off.  He had the kit setup at the ice cream place, in the corner of the parking lot and was jamming away.  He seemed happy about the new drum and I hung out and watched him play a few tunes.  He’s got a great smile and it’s heartwarming to see his love for music come out so clearly and honestly.  Thankful to be in position to helpp him out a bit.

Got to the gym and rode the eliptical, along with some extra pushups.  Feeling good after a couple days of clean eating and movement.  Thankful to be taking my health seriously and not giving up.

8/18/21:  Took a spontaneous day off yesterday.  Didn’t have any plans, but wanted. to stay offline on a day when it was beautiful outside.  I took a Rawkstars call in the morning with an old friend from Upromise.  She had reached out to me on social media, after joining the Fan Club to ask how she might get more involved.  It was super nice to reconnect and felt awesome to have Rawkstars resonate with someone so strongly as to invoke action.  We’ll see where it goes but she is a super resourceful woman and I think it would be amazing to have her support.  Super thankful for everything Rawkstars continues to bring into my life.

In the afternoon I took a ride down to Plymouth by myself.  Lisa was getting ready to go to Rick’s and Q was already at Subway for the afternoon.  I brought a book and parked by the ocean.  I sat for a while on a bench reading, then walked further down the boulevard to find some shade.  I then sat in front of the Mayflower and read a bit more.  I took a few pics, which was nice and something I haven’t been doing much lately.  I planned to grab lunch but decided to hold off so I wasn’t tempted by crappy restaurant food to overeat.  Drove home around 3 and made a sandwich, then picked up Q.  Quiet night at home after that.  Grateful for the ability to simply enjoy a gorgeous day, without regard for work or anything productive.

8/16/21:  Went for a run yesterday for the first time in a while.  Falmouth Road Race took place on Sunday.  Cid ran and did some fundraising for Rawkstars, so it was on my mind.  Quincy’s friend Ryan also ran and as we were talking about it, I looked up my old stats.  I ran it 4x with the Rawk team and the 3rd year was my strongest effort.  11:40 pace and finished in 1:22.  I decided I want to try and get a small charity team together for next year, which will be the 50th anniversary of the event.  I don’t want to fundraise too hard, but maybe get like 10 people involved, like we used to do.  After so much thinking, I decided to actually try and run, outside in the real world.  I did 1.73 miles, to the Middle School and back.  It was hard and I ran slow, but I ran.  Felt good to just get my ass out there and I want to continue having some running as part of my joyful movement practice.  I really need to drop some lbs as I am feeling worse each month.  I’m up 30lbs. since my last birthday and am unhappy about how I look, how my clothes fit, how I feel and the impact on my health that is sure to come soon, if I don’t address it.  Grateful for yesterday and some motivation.  Aiming to keep it going!

8/15/21:  Went to Beth Hottinger’s wedding down in Newport last night.  It was nice to go to one of those, it’s been a while, especially for someone in our own age group.  Hadn’t seen Beth or Erynne in many years and they both seemed great.  I’m happy that she found someone to hookup with after all these years.  She had a tough road and deserves some peace and love, as everyone does.  It was a small wedding so we actually got some time to talk with both of them, which was nice.  Life is so different all these years later and it’s nice to be able to reflect with people you know on both ends.  I think Lisa really appreciated it and being invited was extra nice.  She and Beth are old chick friends and I know it meant a lot to her to be part of it.  Thankful for old friendships.

8/14/21:  Swam at the Bento’s pool yard yesterday for a few hours.  Always thankful to have a pool for the afternoon.  It’s been hot lately and it felt nice to lounge outside for a few hours with Lisa and her folks.

Bella came home late afternoon from Subway and I could tell she was upset.  She didn’t want to talk so I left her alone.  She went out to Boneheads with Cam later and when they came home she sat in the car for a while talking to her boss.  When she came in she told us that the Subway A/C had been broken for a while and the store was an oven all day.  Both she and the other girl working felt sick and it was over 90 inside for the whole day.  Her boss was traveling and unavailable to call, so she decided to close the store around 6pm.  She was obviously stressed, but it was totally the right decision.  The conditions weren’t safe and she didn’t deserve to be baking in a 90+ degree store making sandwiches all afternoon.  I’m proud of her for having the guts to make what I could tell was a hard choice for her.  She is a strong woman and doesn’t take the job lightly.  I’m glad she told us and glad that she had the sense to do the right thing.  She’s a great kid and I’m very grateful to have her in my life.

8/13/21:  Visited TJ’s yesterday and met Kayden and Amy, the caseworker from his group home.  It was an immensely cool experience.  He was shy but came around kinda quickly as I tried getting him to open up.  In addition to being in the home and being orphaned, the kid has tourettes, so he had a lot of ticks and made some funky noises.  All that aside he seemed comfortable as hell with music.  Once I got him setup with the lesson folks, we started looking at guitars.  He said his acoustic broke and he wanted an electric.  I started showing him different styles and explaining strats, teles, les pauls, etc.  He knew absolutely zero about guitars, but once he finally held one, I could tell he was a natural.  He moved his left hand with real dexterity and switched chords like he was playing for 10 years.  He had big meaty hands like Rich Spillberg but played delicately but with strength.  He also sang a bit, though quietly.  He mostly fingerpicked, another pretty advanced technique and not something who just started a few months ago would normally have in their arsenal.  After 30 minutes or so, he chose a really slick looking strat, with a black/grey finish and tremolo.  I got him a nice Fender practice amp, and all the accessories to jump right in.  It was so awesome meeting him and seeing him come alive through music.  He’s an absolute perfect student for Rawkstars and meeting him was a tremendous blessing.  I look forward to seeing his growth on the instrument and feel strongly that it will change him massively to express himself through proper tools, with some professional guidance.  So very blessed and humbled to be able to facilitate such an experience.

8/10/21:  Quincy had a guy pass out in Subway last night as they were getting ready to close the store.  He had his phone handy and called 911 who arrived within a few minutes.  He said they helped the guy up off the floor before the ambulance arrived and gave him water.  Sounded like he was concious and left with the paramedics in good hands.  Still, I’m proud of Q for not panicing and taking care of business quickly.  He’s a great kid and the job has been good for him.  He never complains about the shifts and has already gotten adept at understanding and saving his money.  Proud of him and thankful for such great kids.

Got the finished version of the Guitars Behind Bars trailer over the weekend and it’s awesome.  I’m really happy with how it turned out, especially given the hurdles we faced over the last 18 months since the pilot.  Doga incorporated the footage of James really well, and got just the right tone I was asking for in his quotes.  The stuff I shot with Keith wasn’t usable, due to the audio, but even still, the piece is great.  We updated the graphics and it runs about 4:20, but doesn’t feel long whatsoever.  Next steps are going to be building a pitch around the trailer and telling the story.  Grateful to have worked on such an amazing project, affected the guys we connected with and done something meaningful with my time.

8/8/21:  Biked to Bristol yesterday.  Made the decision to ride instead of meeting the Bento crew for lunch in Fall River.  That was of course tempting as hell, but given that we went to Boneheads the night before, I opted for joyful movement.  Glad I did as it was a beautiful afternoon.  I couldn’t get anyone to come along, as usual, but tried.  I enjoyed the time to myself, as I usually do, even after feeling bad about not having anyone along.  After the ride, I went to Blue Kangaroo, and grabbed iced coffee.  I also grabbed a sandwich, for the first time there, and it was really good.  Turkey, spinach, pesto and asiago cheese.  I sat quietly and ate half, along with my coffee.  Saw lots of people come/go along with an old Hasbro IT dude.  I couldn’t recall his name, but recognized the face.  Later on, I was motivated to do a summer lobster roll along with corn, watermelon, etc. but lost steam.  I ate the second half of my sub after shopping and just didn’t have a big apettite.  I threw some burgers and dogs on the grill for the kiddos and I had some leftover soup that was in the fridge.  Grateful for making good choices and putting my own priorities first, for a change.

8/7/21:  Some residual traffic from my FB campaign, bringing the total number of signups to 17, with two ‘doubles’, making it effectively 19.  Amazing outcome and I’m super thankful to everyone who jumped in.  It was especially effective as several of the signups came from outliers in my network, meaning they weren’t people I traditionally would have approached.  That still leaves me with a large untapped list of potential members I can continue to market to.  Most of all, I’m grateful that we will get to enroll Kayden and I made a plan to meet him next week at TJ’s to buy a guitar and get a class schedule.

We took Wyatt and Abi kayaking down in Providence, which I found great fun.  The river isn’t the nicest body of water and the kids complained a bit about the smell, but I thought it was a great way to see the interior of the city.  I hit the paddling pretty hard so it also felt like exercise.  Afterward we took a quick swim in the Bentos pool, then took Abi out to Boneheads for a late dinner.  Wyatt stayed behind, which upset Q, but we had fun nonetheless.  Abi is a cool kid and I’m thankful we got to spend some time with her on the vacation.

8/6/21:  Ran a FB campaign yesterday to rally 12 people to join the Fan Club in support of Kayden.  Was pretty successful and I got at least a dozen people to join!  I’ve got some loose ends to tie up today, but it definitely looks like we’ll be able to onboard him this week.  It’s a solid strategy in connecting stories with enrollment drives.  Several people who were already members asked about giving extra.  I don’t want to pile on, so that’s something I’m going to have to learn to manage going forward.  In addition to the dozen signups, 2 of them were for $20, so it’s really like 14.  We also probably added $100+ from the one-off pledges.  Overall, we are right at the 200 mark on subscriptions, which is pretty awesome.  I was hopeful for 230 by year’s end, so we could still be on track to hit that number.  I still have a working list of folks I want to approach, so these organic ones really help.  Regardless of outcome, Rawkstars has more money in the bank than it’s ever had, we have 200 subscriptions coming in each month, and we are telling stories that resonate and matter to people in our network.  Can’t be anything but grateful about our progress and the impact we are making and are poised for.

8/5/21:  So my Purpose Statement didn’t get the kind of love that I hoped for.  I got notes from the team members individually and I felt strongly that it was pretty awesome, but it didn’t bowl over Kathrin, and that’s what we are all after here.  Can’t lie and say I didn’t feel disappointment, but it’s ok.  I feel good about opening myself up and being genuine to my feelings.  I’ll get over it.

Got myself to the gym and continued on a path of solid eating.  Feeling ever so slightly better and did 60 pushups, instead of the 30+ that I’ve been doing the last few weeks.  Grateful for my body and its response, even if it’s slow and being held back by my mind.

Continuing a slow trickle of Fan Club signups and have had 6 since my story about Aaron last week.  I also got an organic call from a woman who runs a local group home.  She told me about a kid named Kayden, who is in a ‘high needs’ home, not because he is problematic or has behavioral issues, but because he is nearly 16 and has been bounced around foster care to the point where he has no place to go.  She said he taught himself guitar and is a good singer.  She said he plays around the house often and performs for the other kids and staff, especially when someone needs to be calmed.  I want to help him badly and already have a submitted application in hand.  I’m intending to try and rally another set of Fan Club members with his story but regardless of outcome, will bring him into the fold.  Sounds exactly like the kind of kid we want to help and he can study at TJ’s which makes it even better.  Supremenly grateful for the outreach and for being in position to provide help to this boy.

8/4/21:  Yesterday I was in more meetings regarding the Hasbro Purpose Statement.  This has been an ongoing project for months.  We hired a vendor, who orchestrated lots of meetings, exercises and workshops to illicit 3 proposals.  None of the submitted options were strong, imo.  Kathrin also didn’t seem impressed and over the last 8 weeks we have started going off the reservation to work on this separate from the vendor.  I championed and executed a company survey, which got 800 responses.  We then worked with a freelance copywriter through eOne, who I liked connecting with.  He submitted some new options but she didn’t seem thrilled with those either.  During our session yesterday, we worked on the statement and I added some bits that were well received.  At the conclusion, we still were luke warm as a group, especially Kathrin.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it afterward and worked on some notes on my own.  While I was picking up Q at Subway, I had some ideas and jotted them on a literal napkin in the car.  After I got home, I was energized and wrote up a full page workbook about the background, ‘must haves’, data from the survey and eventually a recommended statement that I really thought was strong.  I even included some justification about what words I chose based on data, feedback, etc. and I sent it off to the group after hours.  I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for some feedback this morning, but nothing yet.  Of course I’ll be thrilled if it winds up resonating for people, especially Kathrin.  But even if it falls flat, I’m grateful for the creative energy it gave me.  Purpose has a way of making ‘work’ feel fun and energizing and I am thankful that my job gives me bursts of feeling this directly.

8/3/21:  Picked up Abi yesterday from the Bento’s and took her to the bookstore.  I know she loves books so we hung out there and I told her to get anything she wanted.  I rummaged around and bought a few for myself, as did Lisa.  I have at least 5 unread books already but I can’t help it, I love having new books around.  I’m a slower reader than I used to be, but fuck it, I always enjoyed reading, so having some extra on the shelf is fine with me.  Abi bought a huge armfull, at least 6 hardcovers.  I spent about $250, which again, didn’t really phase me.  I’m thankful that money doesn’t rule my life.  I’m certainly not rich by modern standards, but I have basically everything I need and most of what I want.  Spending a few hundred bucks isn’t going to change anything for me and I was happy to see Abi so excited.  We took her out for Chinese afterward with the kids and then drove her home to Stoughton.  Wyatt was swimming in the pool with a friend so I got to see him briefly too.  They are so grown up and I was really happy to connect with both of them.  I miss Mikey and Alyssa, so connecting to them through the kiddos is a good thing.  Planning to take them both kayaking on Friday, weather permitting.  Grateful for my neice and nephew and for being able to take time out to spend with them for a couple days.

8/2/21:  Birthday dinner with the fam for Randy / Bella.  We decided to go to Luciano’s, instead of coming here like we have for the last several events.  We brought Cam along and had to pickup UB, so we had 10 people.  Lucianos is overpriced and the food is moderate.  It’s one of those old people restaurants, that white folks with bland pallettes think is high-end, because they’ve never tried modern, elevated dining where real food is really seasoned and prepared in creative thoughtful ways.  Anyhow, it was as predictable as ever.  Ben was tempermental, Grampa was obnoxious and the sarcasm could be cut with a knife.  We had a couple appetizers, 3 drinks in total and the bill came in at $660!  Not including the tip!  I knew it was going to be pricey, but it was ridiculous.  Bella and UB both ordered the cowboy ribeye that was on special and once the bill came, we saw they were $99 each.  Anyways, Lisa and I paid and wound up dropping $800 for a meal that was meh.  When we got home and told the kids we spent 30 minutes talking about it of course to everyone’s shock.  Reason I’m posting it here is that I’m grateful to be in a position to absorb something like that and not have it effect me financially.  I’m not happy to have gotten soaked so badly for average food, but am thankful to have covered for the family and not have it be more than a story for the rest of us to talk about.  I’m a lucky guy.

8/1/21:  Easy post today.  Gig day!  We played Larry’s 50th party and had a blast.  Not a huge crowd but we had a few friends make the effort and of course we had both bands full attention.  The day was perfect weather and load-in / setup / soundcheck was smooth as silk.  I could hear everything solidly on stage and felt very comfortable performing.  I butchered the intro to Sure Know Something, which is the weirdest thing because I know that song cold.  Just goes to show you can never take live music for granted.  I made mistakes on Sky Is Crying and Touch Too Much, but nothing glaring.  Regardless of my miscues, I felt proud of the effort and the band.  Everyone enjoyed the set and Lisa/Moonstruck were great as usual.  Maureen and Larry both seemed really happy, and we got lots of compliments from the crowd too.  I know I’ve mentioned it here many times but playing with these guys is like punching above my weight.  They are all pros and I’m so glad they keep me in the mix.  Maybe I can keep momentum going and take my playing up a notch?  I used my Ampeg and it performed well.  The kids even came and caught our set, and complimented me, in a genuine way.  I really enjoyed myself all around.

Afterward, Mike invited us all over, of course.  I was going to blow it off to avoid the excess, but wound up heading over with Lisa.  I gave myself a forced stop at 8:30 to pickup Quincy from work.  That technique worked quite well, as it gave me long enough to hang out and connect with people, but provided a guardrail so I knew I wouldn’t lose my willpower.  I’m proud of the fact that I stayed true to what I’m trying to get better at, but found a way to be part of the hang with people I love and enjoy.  Grateful.

7/31/21:  Picked up Abi at the airport yesterday with Rob.  Always enjoy spending time with him and he’s one of my favorite people all around.  Drive in was pretty easy but the airport itself was a bit of a cluster.  Had to circle a few times and got booted out of the parking area by a State Trooper who angrily pointed at me.  Anyways, he went inside and got Abi and we eventually connected back out front.  She looks so different and grown up.  She’s got these big 80s type glasses and reflects the bookworm vibe, that I know is one of her favorite hobbies.  We talked for much of the ride and it felt really nice to connect with her.  She reflects both Alyssa and Mikey so much it made me feel closer with them.  We went back to teh Bentos to drop her off and they were over the moon happy to see her.  We ate spaghetti and chatted a bit more before I took Rob back and got home around 10pm myself.  It was late but I was super thankful to have made the effort.  Love the kids and getting to be part of the reunion was really nice.

Took Lisa and Q to Plymouth for dinner, as it was a sunny Friday and felt like being outside.  We found a new seafood spot across from the water and went there after walking to the end of the jetty, which is a tradition anytime we hit Plymouth.  Food was solid and I didn’t overdo it.  Feeling decent lately with regards to weight but wary about today, as we are playing Larry’s bday party.  Really looking forward to the gig part, but don’t want to party or overeat.  I may need to make a hard decision later about prioritizing my health and hoping I have the strength for a positive outcome.  Writing about it here to reinforce what my priority is.  Grateful to be alive.

Dusty Hill passed away earlier this week.  Bass player for ZZ Top, he was one of my faves, especially over the last 5 years or so.  Before I became a bassist (some would argue that point 🙂 I gravitated towards players who dominated the music.  Steve Harris, Geddy Lee and others were inarguably the ‘best’ around.  Once I finally started playing, I leaned into ‘lesser’ heralded players like Jimmy Bain, Peter Baltes, Mike Anthony and Dusty.  Guys like that made me realize that bass works better as a foundational instrument, giving guitar players, singers and drummers a platform on which to dance.  The fact that my musical vocabulary is severely limited, I see myself as more of a musician through the eyes of these players which gives me confidence.  ZZ Top were an immense force for great riffs and catchy songs, all with a grungy Texas blues vibe.  I will warm up today with Precious & Grace and Jesus Just Left Chicago, in hopes of finding a tiny bit of the groove Dusty laid out for bass players like me.  Rest in power.  Grateful for the music you created and the impact it had on me.

7/29/21:   Last week, I got a visit from a friend who wanted to donate a drum set to Rawkstars, Inc. He had been teaching an adult student, who unexpectedly and suddenly passed away. The son of this student gifted the set to my friend, in hopes it would continue to make music beyond his fathers passing.

This week, I took Quincy out for ice cream after work. Soon after, this guy sat down and started playing drums along to “Thriller” which was blasting out of his boombox. Even with makeshift metal sticks and a picnic table as his drum set, I knew he could feel the groove.
I’d seen him many times before. He’s a fixture in the center of our town. Always outside, always listening to music on old school headphones, always singing to himself or playing drums, sometimes on a 5 gallon bucket next to the road.
He’s the type of guy most people in a small blue collar town are wary of. They cross the street and avoid eye contact so they don’t have to engage.
Instead, I walked over, shook his hand and asked about his music. He told me his name was Aaron and he’s been playing drums since age 3. His biggest love is music, but his job at the local dollar store didn’t leave him enough money for a drum set.
I asked him if he wanted one. Free of charge, no strings attached. I gave him my cell # and told him to text me if he needed any help getting started.
10 minutes later, my phone vibrated and Aaron said he wanted the drum kit. Quincy and I loaded it in the car and delivered it to his apartment complex. We helped him set it up and met one of the staff members who runs the facility where he lives. She said it was the nicest thing anyone could have done for him.
Yesterday, Lisa and I walked to the Post Office, passing the street where Aaron lives. We heard drums being played from behind the building. We walked around back and saw him jamming under a shady tree, laying down latin grooves to Carlos Santana.
As soon as he saw us, he started smiling ear to ear. Lisa and I were too. Hearing the discarded drums being brought to life was nothing short of magical.
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy.
Huge thanks to drummer extraordinaire Mike Levesque for the kit, Sean McLaughlin for the connection and Paul Lourenco for the tech support.
Sincere gratitude to everyone who has ever supported Rawkstars. My life has been forever changed by the human experiences made possible by your generosity.

7/27/21:  Continuing on the joyful movement train and got to the gym, to ride the exercise bike and do some pushups.  Feeling ever so slightly better this week and definitely ramping up the movement, while managing the food intake.  Started trying kachava yesterday, after using my first bag of huel.  Need more time with it to see how it effects my appetite, but glad to be on the path.

Finally having some better weather the last few days and I got some time outside for a few afternoon meetings.  Makes a huge difference to just get some sun in my day for an hour or two, during work.  Lisa went to the pool and I wished I could have joined, but happy she at least got some time herself.

Quincy continues to kick butt this summer.  In addition to doing a decent amount of hours at Subway the last few weeks, he has also been running most mornings with the team over at the HS.  I’m super proud of him and how hard he is working.  He’s also doing music, but is hard on himself about the output.  Sound familiar?!  He’s really maturing and I love seeing his growth into adulthood and how he’s handling things.

7/26/21:  Band practice yesterday, last one before our party gig at the pines for Larry’s 50th.  Had a good time, but not my best as I didn’t spend much time with the songs this week.  I feel confident and we have things down pretty well, with a bit of struggle on Still Got the Blues.  I’m not worried about anything, and if there were ever a gig to not stress about it’s this one.  Still I’m thankful for the band, and everyone in it.  We are coming together well since the covid restart and I’m looking forward to adding some new songs to the setlist, after this weekend.  I’d love to get one more show on the calendar after 9/11 and before winter really sets in.  Would be great to see if we could get something with 2 sets, and have someone open for us.  That would be a real push to add new music and take another step.

Went through the weekend without drinking.  I don’t typically talk about alcohol much here, mainly because it’s not that important to me.  That said, it’s been a bit harder to eliminate it the last few months, similar to how I’ve been sstruggling to drop some lbs. as confidently as I used to be able to.  I think I want to try and go some months without drinking to see if it has an improved effect on my health / weight.  I’m no prude and a few drinks from time to time is nice.  That said, I’ve spent much of my life consuming alcohol and I kinda like the idea of being clean and sober for a while to see how I feel.  Grateful I abstained at least for a week.

7/25/21:  Spent a few hours with Keith Mao yesterday up in Lowell.  It took a while to connect, but I’m really glad to have made the effort and that he stayed with the process of following up.  I drove up and met some of his family at a birthday party for his young cousin.  He introduced me to his brother as well.  We took a ride to a local park, where it was relatively quiet and setup on a bench in the shade.  I setup 2 cameras as best I could and spent the next 30 minutes or so interviewing him.  It was really great and I learned a lot about him, his life and also about the GBB program.  It was similar to when we interviewed James in that I got a glimpse into what it meant to these guys more personally.  I felt so blessed to hear his story and get to know him a bit.  He demonstrated a huge love of music and of his brother, who is also very musical.  After the interview, we talked about going into the studio.  I’d love to be able to put together a project to get them in a space where they can create something together.  I’ve got some ideas about bringing people along and seeing what kind of session we could pull off.  I have a gut feeling about Keith and what he’s capable of.  I’d be honored to help him reach higher and continue his journey towards where he wants to get.  I feel super fortunate to have this opportunity and the resources to be able to share with others who deserve a chance, like the ones I had.

7/23/21:  Continuing with the busy / productive work weeks.  Made some progress on a deck about ‘Purpose’, which I’m trying to tie in with some career development goals.  I’ve got a peer coach who is giving me some advice.  I’ve never been a great career manager, and literally have had similar titles at the office for 20+ years.  My salary has increased a lot and I am not unhappy with my paycheck, but there is always an aspirational piece to jobs for me and I’d love to be able to ‘solve’ for that, heading into what may be my last decade as a regular professional.  Grateful for my job overall, regardless of where it goes, I enjoy what I do most days.

Had a call with Keith Mao, from the Guitars Behind Bars project.  I’m going to visit him on Saturday afternoon.  I’m not sure if EmVision can come, and I felt kinda bad even asking them.  They’ve done so much work on the project free of charge, but I want to connect with Keith regardless.  I think he has a great story and I’d like to continue trying to help him build on his music, in whatever way possible.  I’ll probably shoot him with my own equipment, and potentially use that footage in some way to showcase his skills and story.  Grateful to have impacted him and expanded on the power of music to heal.

Yesterday was B’s 20th birthday.  We didn’t see each other much, as she hit the beach during the day with Cam, then did a dinner with some of her friends.  Regardless, I’m so proud of her and it’s a bit mind blowing to have a 20 year old daughter.  She is an amazing person, doing well in all aspects of her life.  She takes good care of herself, works hard, builds meaningful relationships, manages her finances and is moving towards a career.  She does it all with grace and ease, for the most part.  Thankful to have her in our life and see the woman she has become all on her own.

I also had a call with Tivoli Audio.  They are a Boston based company that makes high end radios and audio systems.  They reached out to me earlier in the week saying they were looking for a music charity to bring into some of their corporate sponsorship work.  Turns out the guys who run the company are from a band Vary Lumar, who played a Rawkstars event several years ago, setup through my friend Sean McLaughlin.  We’ll be one of their partners and hopefully receive some donations through their platform each quarter.  I don’t really know what to expect, but regardless, it’s a great opportunity for us.  I also think there are other ways we can partner, with product donations, possibly live performances and other beneficial approaches.  I’m aiming to setup an in-person meeting with them in a few weeks to show them the breadth of what Rawkstars is doing and build some repoire with them to see what’s possible.  Super grateful for the outreach, support and possibilities ahead with this partner.

7/22/21:  Work has been busy lately.  Juggling lots of meetings and projects, but it’s been good.  I feel productive and valuable to the team lately.  I’ve also been doing a decent job moving, having gotten to the gym a few more times in the last week.  I’m still at an unhealthy weight, but still trying.  I’ve realized that my self-talk is a problem in this area.  I went out briefly to Lisa’s band practice to talk with the guys about the upcoming gigs and I realized after I left that I mentioned my weight like 3 times.  I hadn’t seen Jerry in several months and he looked great.  That prompted me to comment and then move into self-deprecation mode.  I know this isn’t good and part of the cycle I’m stuck in.  Luckily, Quincy has been helping a bit.  He and I started a pushup challenge 2 days ago, doing 50 per day to start.  It’s small but that is exactly what I am looking for, multiple small changes that I can actually keep up with.  I just need consistency and time and I should start to see and feel some effects.

We tossed the frisbee a bit before it got dark and that always is a nice activity together.  Today is B’s 20th and she has been around more this week coincidentally.  We are planning a family night out to Oyster Bar tomorrow, but will give her some earbuds I bought and make her feel a bit special.  Grateful for the whole family and our connections to each other.

7/21/21:  24th anniversary yesterday.  Had a busy day at work and didn’t see Lisa until about 8:30pm.  I left for the office early and headed to Providence.  Had a day full of meetings and ran into Matt Orsi and Kunal at the building, which was really nice.  My old team was having an in office meeting for the first time.  It was a tiny bit awkward, but I suppose it was good to get it out of the way so early.  I came home in the afternoon and Lisa had already left for her shift at Rick’s.  I hit the gym for some cardio and then came home to make dinner.  We all ate together, albeit super late, but it was nice to have a family dinner.  I posted on FB about it, as I have been active on there since announcing the gig last week.  Got a ton of nice comments and I hope Lisa appreciated my sentiment.  I got her some ear buds for running, which I know she wanted.  Grateful to be together still, even through ups and downs that come with 35 years of frienship and 24 years of marriage.  I couldn’t imagine my life without Lisa and she has helped make me the person I am more than anyone, raised the kids and made a great home life for all of us.

7/19/21:  Two days ago, Quincy and I had a fight.  It started out innocently enough, as I went to the gym and then woke him up to come to breakfast.  We were talking about mixing and at one point I told him it seemed like he was ‘being a pussy’, because he was afraid to mix other people’s music.  Tying it sounds harsh, and that’s basically how he also took it.  In the moment, it was meant to be more playful than it sounds, as it’s a word I’ve used and had used towards me hundreds of times, with my closest friends.  After I said it, he shut down, which angered me and things went downhill from there.  I felt awful afterward as he was visibly shaken and took it super personally.  I tried to apologize and get him to talk a few more times and again after we got home, but it went nowhere.  I felt like garbage and went to bed that way.

Yesterday, after I cut the grass, we were able to talk.  I apologized and he explained more about what made him upset.  He was trying to quell the argument and I basically wouldn’t allow him to.  I understand the conflict as he was attempting to drop the subject, which he traditionally hasn’t been good at, but I made it worse by pushing him and not respecting the impasse he tried to create by telling me to stop.

He made it easy to talk and gave me a very thoughtful, calm explanation of what went wrong.  I apologized again and we left on a good note.  A while later, he asked me to toss the frisbee, which felt like another olive branch for us to connect.  We usually have good conversations when we do that and it felt good to just do something together outside.  I took him to work shortly after and the rest of the day was much better.

I’m super thankful for my relationship with Q.  I honestly don’t feel super close to many people.  I have ‘freinds’ but we mostly only hang out or talk when there is a party situation or similar.  I don’t really have people in my life that call/text or connect 1:1 for activities without others involved.  He’s really the only person I feel like who does that and we have deep conversations and I think we know each other pretty well.  I’m so happy to have him in my life and he has matured into such an amazing kid who is insightful, smart, compassionate and wants to do the right thing.  I couldn’t be more proud.

7/17/21:  Great band practice last night.  Things are really rounding into shape and we sound so much better than just a few weeks ago.  After practice Chuck hung out for a while and we chatted.  It was cool to connect and we talked about old times and the families, etc.  He’s a good guy and I’m grateful for his friendship.  He’s also a pretty damn good guitarist and being in the band with him is awesome.

The night before, Bella and I went to the WooSox game.  She had bought tickets for us as a Fathers Day gift a few weeks back and the game was on Thursday. We drove up, talked a bit on the ride and parked.  The stadium is great and we found our seats, then sat a while and chatted a bit more.  We walked around the park a few times and got BBQ sandwiches and some drinks.  We didn’t stay for the whole game, as I know Bella doesn’t care a lick about baseball.  It was a long ride and I wanted to get home also.  No matter about the game, it was awesome to spend a couple hours alone together.  That hasn’t happened in quite some time.  Bella has her own life nowadays and between school, work, friends, Cam and her social life, I’m lucky if I see her for a few minutes each day or for one family dinner per week or something.  We don’t get time to talk that much and I was super grateful.  It was a very thoughtful gift as well.  She knows I love baseball and that I wanted to go see the new park.  Kids are always listening 🙂

7/15/21:  Had some alone time with Cam yesterday evening.  Lisa was at band practice, Bella was working and Q had some friends over.  We talked for a while about marketing.  I explained to him where I’m at with Jamie and the needs of Rawkstars and it was fun.  I could tell he was genuinely interested in the subject as he was animated, asked good questions and listened well.  It was nice to bond with him a bit and share in something we have mutual interest in.  Thankful that Bella is so happy being with him and that he is connecting more to all of us.

I ordered a new bathroom faucet in the first step towards fixing the sink pressure.  I’m really not sure why I’ve stalled on that for so long, but it will be nice to address the one area of the house that needs real attention.  Small, but impactful I’d say.

I paid Bella’s 5th of 8 tuition bills yesterday.  After some back and forth I realized her credit for housing was already included in the amount owed, which made the bill more than I had hoped.  Still, I had enough in her school account to cover it and still have a small sum left.  I’m sure when she goes back in September, she will give me another big check, which will put her somewhere in the ballpark of having enough for paument #6 in December.  Super grateful that we will have made it at least 3/4 years without her having to take any loans.  If you had told me that when she started, I wouldn’t have believed it and I would have said it was a big accomplishment.  Thankful to get her off on such a good start and that she herself contributed a lot to the process.  She’s proven to be a super hard worker and pretty responsible saver, two awesome traits.

7/14/21:  Received the GBKF grant check for Rawkstars yesterday.  I knew it was a done deal, but actually getting, seeing and depositing the check was kinda cool.  Our bank account is definitely at an all time high now, pushing $47k.  Sold a few more tickets and had one signup for the Fan Club as well.  Really happy about the first couple days of show reaction and planning to spend the next 2 months promoting it as well as working on a signup drive to get to 225 memberships.  Grateful for the focus and for the support of so many people.

7/13/21:  Announced the Rawkstars event yesterday and had a nice response.  Published the poster and event page on FB and had 80+ folks respond.  Sold about a dozen tickets and heard some really nice commentary from several people.  Felt great and it was a physical and mental relief.  No matter how many gigs I put together, they always come with a lot of pressure and somehow I’m always surprised at how much it hits me.  Thankful that so many people are supportive of the charity and that I’ve built something so resonant with the local music community.

7/12/21:  Saw Mojo yesterday at The Pines.  They had a nice crowd and it’s always great to see Chuck do his guitar thing.  Mike O’Hare came out, which was nice.  We have been texting the last several weeks but that was the first time we have connected in person.  He seems good and looks healthy.  He seemed to have a good time and was thankful for the invite.  Also ran into several others including, Tommy, Larry, Fradkin, Mooney/Doreen, Jim/Kelly and some others.  I enjoyed it but also was ready to take off after a couple hours.  I find that I’m just not as social nowadays as I used to be.  I prefer smaller hangouts and fewer people.  Not sure what has changed for me, but I’m just not as into the large gathering thing.  Another gloomy day weather wise, as its been for a few weeks now.  Seems like the sun is on hiatus.  Watched the Bee-Gees documentary with Lisa last night which was awesome.  I’ll leave it as thankful to have learned about their career and for their music in general.

7/11/21:  Went to Dorothy’s delayed 4th of July party yesterday.  Saw chunks of the family which was really nice.  Caught up with Kim Raposo for a while and enjoyed seeing her.  Reminded me of all the amazing times we had at their old Brockton house together.  Dorothy has a great house too, the yard is amazing.  Seeing all the kids run around and connecting with family always feels good.  The kids and Cam came down and seeing them interact is also great.  Thankful as usual for the family/friends I am blessed to be part of.

We had to cut out early from the party for band practice.  Sounded great and feels like the songs are really coming together.  We’ve got a 9 song set-list ready for Larry’s party and we have 2 more rehearsals booked before the gig.  I think we will definitely be ready and am psyched with our new direction.

Picked up a drum set on Friday, which I gave to Paul Lourenco.  It was mostly junk I didn’t want/need, but I grabbed a throne from the pile to upgrade my set downstairs.  I’ve got another one getting delivered today from a local drummer I’m meeting for the first time.  Grateful to have so many folks reaching out to donate gear, even if I cannot accept or use much of it.

7/10/21:  Lots of Rawkstars activity this week.  Delivered the keyboard to Daniela on Thursday and also dropped a guitar off for a girl through Greg Alonge.  Felt good to move some instruments along and meeting Daniela and Myra in person was very nice.  She seems like an excellent candidate for music lessons and I’m hopeful she will be on the roster for a while.  Meeting families also gives me improved perspective on my own good fortune and I’m appreciative of the options I am blessed to have around me.

Quincy started working this week at Subway.  He seems to actually enjoy it and it’s great seeing him take the initiative.  I went to pick him up the other night and went inside to see him in action.  He was making subs for some customers, which gave me a smile.  There was a teenage kid who came in right at closing time.  He bought a sandwich and then didn’t have enough cash to pay for it, so I covered for him.  He was thankful and it felt nice to help a stranger spontaneously.  After the kid left, Q and his buddy Strawbridge, who is also on the track team, started the closing routine.  I went out to the car to wait and started listening to old Motown.  They took about an hour to wrap up, which is a big difference from Bella, who usually finishes in about 15 minutes.  In any case, instead of getting impatient, I grooved to the music and reconnected with some amazing tunes.  Temptations, Four Tops and of course my favorites, The Supremes.  Such moving music that hits me deeply.  We drove home and my mood was perfect.  Grateful for such awesome kids and for the chance to be alone with music for an hour.

Lisa took a part time job working the lesson desk at Rick’s Music.  I had heard the day before that Paul, our drummer, was quitting the position.  I told Lisa yesterday that she should go talk with Robin, even just to get some perspective on her job search.  She actually got an offer from an office gig in the Taunton industrial park earlier in the day.  I could tell she was unsure about taking it and when I mentioned the music store, she decided to reach out.  About an hour later, she was heading over there to talk with Rick and Robin and an hour later came home and said she was going to work there!  She seems happy about the choice and I know she will be a great fit.  The store is a nice environment, family oriented business. and plenty of cool, talented people are there every day.  She’ll also be meeting kids and moms signing up for music lessons so what could be better?  I’m grateful she seems happy with the choice and hopefully it will take some stress off our marriage and bring her to a better place, to feel good about working again.  I’m also happy to know she’ll be with cool people and close to home doing something with a personal connection.

7/7/21:  Got to the gym again yesterday for a nice elliptical workout.  Feeling mildly better after a few days strung together of movement and mindful eating.  Got back in the saddle with work and after a sluggish morning, made progress on some small items and some strategy around our return to work and holiday activities.  Thankful for the time off and also for the chance to get back to work.  My job is terrific and I’m lucky to have it / Hasbro.

Got some progress against the 9/11 Rawkshow done as well.  Emily finished the gig poster, which is amazingly beautiful.  I created a ticket site and am working to confirm Moonstruck as the last band.  I’m hoping putting it out there officially will be a sense of relief for me.  Bottling up the plans and having no resonance doesn’t feel good.  It should be a low stress gig for me, but it hasn’t been, even though we haven’t even gotten started.  Looking forward to releasing the energy and getting at least some reaction and momentum, even if it’s slower than I would like.

Chatted with some new Rawkstars students as well.  Finally have a date to deliver a keyboard to Daniela, who officially started lesons last week.  It will be great to meet her in person, drop off the keyboard and get some pics with her and her mom Myra.  I also got an email from Beatrice, Tatiana’s mom.  Tatiana has been a long-time piano student and she has a younger brother who now also wants to enroll.  Beatrice is a super nice woman and I have talked with her many times.  Her family always comes to our events and Tatiana is a model student.  Beatrice said she was ‘ashamed’ to reach out asking about another kid.  I totally understand but told her it was an honor for us to be there to help.  It literally is the reason Rawkstars exists and I couldn’t be more thankful to be in a position to assist their family, by adding Trevin to our ranks.  The last few months, we’ve added Kiernan, Charissa, Daniela and now have applications pending from Trevin as well as Natalie, the drum student I met through Deb DaSilva last month.  I’m going to work on adding the last two, which will give Rawkstars 5 new kids in just the last few months.  I’m hopeful that will also help me fundraise, and find sponsors for the new kids in the coming weeks.  Grateful indeed.

7/6/21:  Did some needed yard work yesterday.  After a week+ of vacation, the yard was a bit scraggly.  Felt good to push the mower and run the edger and just be outside moving.  Thankful for our home, yard and that my body is able to still handle an hour of landscaping.

Had a nice talk with Lisa yesterday about our lack of intimacy.  I haven’t written about it much here, probably as it is such a source of pain.  It’s honestly something that took on a life of its own over the last 9-12 months.  It started as I was gaining weight and feeling shame about my body/looks.  Then last summer, when I was going through the depression and anxiety due to work, money, etc. it continued.  Once I started on the meds, I had some ‘issues’ with performance and it just felt weird.  By the time I stopped taking them, it had become a few months of distance and it just became harder to connect.  The chasm between us grew as a result of the lack of physical connection and became ‘a thing’, which I really haven’t figured out how to address.  Talking and putting it out there together was a good first step and I think we both felt some relief.  Grateful for the talk and for the opportunity to make things better going forward in our marriage.  Being together for so long is not easy and comes with lots of ups/downs and learning.  Grateful for the chance to take another step forward with Lisa.

7/5/21:  Went down to Newport and did a long stretch of the Cliff Walk with Lisa.  We went off the path at the sound end and it was really cool.  We turned around once it started to get more treacherous, but did 4 miles overall and it was a nice way to spend a couple hours.  Ate mindfully again and spent the rest of the dreary day watching movies.  Our new TV is awesome and the sound is tremendous.  Thankful for a few mellow days post-vacation before jumping back into the work mode.  I also did some cooking, which I haven’t been doing much of lately.  Made some cod filets on the grill and some corn, asparagus and potatoes.  Nothing fancy but tried to take care of Lisa and give her a break.  Didn’t get time to practice music but another chance today to warm back up before practice next weekend.

7/4/21:  Got my ass to the gym yesterday for the first time in quite a while.  It felt good and I did 30+ minutes on the eliptical machine.  The gym has been expanded and being in the space with several others working out was motivating.  I’m trying to commit to daily movement and pushing myself in an effort to lose some lbs.  This go round with weight gain has been tougher.  Guessing since I’m older, my ability to burn calories is slowed.  Whatever the case, I’m in a real struggle these last several months and it’s having an impact on my physical, emotional and joyful well being.  Grateful to have gotten through one day with some level of motivation and small success.

It was a rainy Saturday and we didn’t really get out.  Seems like the gloomy weather followed us from Miami back home.  Quincy started at Subway yesterday for his first official day of work.  Bella said he did really well and I’m not surprised, knowing how seriously he tends to take things.  Still it was nice to see him motivated and pushing himself to a new experience.  I know he’ll be happy to earn some of his own money and I’ll be interested to see how he handles that aspect of working.

July 4th today but we don’t have any plans to do anything, so looking like another day at home.  Focusing on getting myself back to the gym for day #2 and starting to generate some momentum on changing my health situation.  Also planning to get some time with my bass so I can polish up the songs we pledged to work on for next rehearsal.

7/3/21:  Got back home from vacation last night.  As usual, it felt great to be home again.  Being away is nice but always makes you realize all the little niceties about home.  The trip was ok but definitely not as epic as previous vacations.  As mentioned below, the weather was not great and we started with a crappy flight experience.  The second day was decent and we got some pool/beach time, but I could tell Bella wasn’t digging it.  She likes the pool experience but only when the sun is blazing and she didn’t even change into her suit due to the clouds.  The room was also a bit smaller than I hoped and didn’t leave us much room to spread out, especially given the weather and being forced to spend more time indoors.

The resort was super duper pricey and I had some sticker shock early on.  Drinks at the bar were $25 and an 18% tip was added to every single interaction.  We spent the 3rd day, which was a total washout, Ubering into the city.  We did an escape room, which was fun and then we did axe throwing, which is bascially like darts, but with axes.  Both were fun enough, but also expensive and things got a bit testy with the kids a few times.  I think the weather and close proximity got to all of us at various times.

The 4th day was the best, weather wise and we spent basically the entire day a the pool/beach.  I think everyone enjoyed that the most and it was closest to what we had expected the whole trip to be like.

Cam watched Ajax for us, which was really nice of him.  Courtney also came by a few times to feed him after Bella asked for help.

Overall, it was a decent trip, but we definitely spent more than what it was worth IMO.  Q made me proud with his willingness to make the most of every day and staying positive.  I’m grateful that I can treat the family and even when things don’t go as expected, I know we made some fun memories and it will only make future trips better by comparison.

I’m also really thankful for what we have here at home.  We have all the comforts of an amazing bed, climate control, entertainment options and peace of mind.  We also have amazing, fresh and healthy food options and Lisa who takes care of us in that regard.

6/29/21:  Arrived in Miami yesterday after a kinda long, shitty travel day.  JetBlue is usually pretty solid which is why we prefer to fly them, but yesterday started off badly.  I didn’t get any text before leaving the house @ 615am and once we arrived at Logan and made it through security, we learned the flight was delayed by over 2 hours :/. It got worse as they then delayed it again, for another 90 minutes.  We got to the airport at 730, thinking we would board at 830 and didn’t wind up taking off until about 12:30.  Then upon arrival to Miami, a weather delay made us circle the airport for another hour.  Once we finally got to the hotel and checked in, it was early evening.  Quincy had some spunk and rallied me to head downstairs to the pool.  We changed and wound up swimming at night.  It was pretty nice and I felt better about the day, closing on a good note.  Thankful for his energy and attitude throughout the whole ordeal of the day.  He set the bar and I really appreciated that he noticed how I was feeling and did something to make it better for me and all of us.

6/26/21:  Feeling worse the last few days with this head cold.  The prior night I slept terribly but better last night.  Seems a touch more productive this morning as well, so hoping it’s moving through so I can be right for the trip on Monday.

Buttoned up a bunch of loose ends at work yesterday, including 2 sessions as a grantor.  I was thrilled to be able to make calls to two new partners, PeaceLove and Urban Arts, both of whom I interviewed and helped bring into Hasbro.  We gifted them $20k and $50k respectively and it was kinda awesome to be able to deliver that kind of impact news to these orgs.  Urban Arts were thrilled.  I really like the woman I’ve been connecting with over there.  She seems super smart and capable and it makes me wish I could find a partner like that on the Rawkstars side.  I know that’s poinsonous for my mind, but that’s where it goes.  I have high hopes in learning from them as well as helping them do great things.  The PeaceLove guys were a bit less enthusiastic, I think because of the amount.  They said the right things but I had a feeling Jeff was disappointed and hoping for more.  I totally understand, but he needs to see it as a process and opportunity.  I think they are poised for growth as well and like the idea of having a local partner that I can interact with in person more formally.  Jeff and I have begun a bit of a friendship, so I’ll need to be cognizant of that from the professional side.  Thankful for all the learning potential of this role and that Hasbro has given me this great joy and opportunity.  I think it’s probably fairly unique to be on the giving and recieving side of grantmaking and I am lucky to have experienced both emotions.

6/23/21: Got our TV mounted earlier this week and it looks awesome.  Also bought a soundbar and it makes such a huge difference.  The experience is much better and we watched a movie, which was really fun. Super grateful to have a job that pays me enough for small luxuries.  Also thankful that we don’t have to worry about money so much.  We aren’t what I’d call rich, but I can’t remember being worries about where my next meal is coming from or having a place to live.  I know there are millions of people in that boat and I am grateful to be financially secure.

Emily shared the Rawkstars event poster with me yesterday and it’s absolutely beautiful!  She did a tremendous job of designing it and I cannot wait to share with the world.  We’ll be announcing the gig finally, over the next 2 weeks and the poster will really help convey what the event is about.  Thankful I became friends with Emily.  She is so nice and immensely talented.

I’m feeling a bit ill the last few days.  Nothing too serious but a classic head cold with congestion.  It’s funny but over the last 18 months of covid, getting ‘sick’ has changed.  The only connotation was covid and nobody really talked about regular old colds, the flu or anything like that.  Luckily I haven’t really gotten sick, outside of the week we had covid, but it’s made me remember what it feels like.  It always has a way of making you realize how much health is the #1 factor and everything else is a distant second.  I’m grateful that my health is overall decent.  I’m overweight and have plenty of aches, but I don’t have any nagging, critical conditions that prevent me from getting through the day feeling ‘normal’.  I’m trying to celebrate my body and health in small ways, so the absence of sickness is actually hugely something to be thankful for.

6/22/21:  Visited the dermatologist yesterday.  After a few weeks of healing, stitches started to emerge from my incision and I could feel and see them on my face.  Turns out I had both internal and external stitches and while the external ones dissolved the internal ones were rejected by my body, most likely because I’m allergic.  Anyways, the doctor pulled them out and I felt immediate relief.  He said it should start closing up much better in those spots and I already see and feel a difference.  Glad I went back in and grateful that it finally appears to be on the mend!

Finished re-booking our vacation yesterday from las Vegas –> Miami.  Even though we’ve visited Miami before, I feel good about the decision.  I managed to get us great flights, which are shorter and a killer resort style hotel right on South Beach all for the same price as our Vegas spend.  Basically an even swap.  I think we’ll have a great time and I’m looking forward to the trip even more without the worry of the brutal weather and the red-eye flights we would have been taking.  I think the kids and Lisa are also happy and looking forward to the trip.  Fingers crossed for great weather and some fun activities as a family.  I already made reservations at a rooftop Mexican restaurant and will continue to look for fun things to do while we are there.  Thankful all around.

6/21/21:  Spent Father’s Day over at the Bento’s pool yard.  It was low key.  Rob came by with the boys.  We had the Sunday soup, bread, torresmos staple lunch and then played dominoes with Rob, Lisa and Mr. Bento.  Dipped a few times in the pool and had a couple beers.  Enjoyed myself and was pretty mindful on the eating side.  I always enjoy hanging out with Rob, he’s such a good guy and I’m thankful to have him in my family.  The Bento’s are always great too and such awesome in-laws.  Blessed to have family members that enjoy the same things in life as I do and who are always willing to share.  Bella was at work all day and Q didn’t feel like coming, so he hung at the house.  Bella gave me tix to the WooSox game later in July, which was really thoughtful.  I had mentioned it in passing several weeks ago and clearly she took note.  I’ll look forward to going with her when it comes around.

I decided to change vacation plans last night too.  We had reservations for Las Vegas coming up next Sunday.  Lisa told me the western part of the US is experiencing a record heat wave and the projected forecast is 114 degrees for that whole week!  Since the idea was to spend time around the town, in the desert and other spots, I poked around on changing plans.  We don’t get tons of chances to vacation all together and I want to ensure we can all enjoy it, without cooking anytime we poke outside the A/C.  So, we pivoted and are going to Miami Beach again.  It wouldn’t have been my first choice, but we did have a good time there a few years back and there are some advantages.  Easy flight, no cost increase and we’ll book a hotel right on South Beach.  I’m feeling good about the last minute change and although I’d still like to vacation in Vegas, I think we need to consider doing it in the fall, and possibly combine with a trip to Zion, etc.  Grateful we live in a time when changing plans is so easy and for the fact that we are lucky enough to be able to afford a nice family vacation together.

6/20/21:  Went and saw Lisa / Moonstruck last night at their first gig in forever.  It was a Perry event at the American Legion in Raynham.  There were a ton of people there and I saw so many old faces.  It was really nice and the band sounded solid as usual.  Always thankful for the chance to see Lisa sing and for connecting with so many old faces that I haven’t talked with, literally in years in some cases.  Perry is a big-hearted guy and does a lot to help others through music.  Glad to know him and have become friends a bit over the years.

I got my ass out and was fairly active yesterday.  I cut the grass in the morning, then did a 3.1 mile walk in the mid-afternoon sun.  It was hot as hell, but I enjoyed it and felt good after.  I was pretty successful in navigating the gig.  I did have 2 drinks, but also had a few waters.  I got more buzzed than I should have but that was because I didn’t eat.  At the end Lisa and I stopped for food and I ordered a greek salad.  I felt good about my choice and woke this morning feeling a touch better about my weight/health situation than I described yesterday.  Hoping to make better choices again today.

6/19/21:  The struggle continues.  Went down to RI with Lisa and Q to get fried clams, etc.  We found a cool place in Warren and enjoyed the process but I definitely didn’t do it from a place of mindfulness.  I did it from a place of addiction and reaction.  My weight is raging out of control yet I am unable to arrest it.  Everyday has been a struggle and I’ve not written as much about it here as it deserves, another aspect of hiding and denial.  Today is a new day and I’d love to say I’m hopeful to begin taking it more seriously, but in all honesty, I’m not feeling that way.

Visited with Steve Seropian yesterday at his office.  Learned about his business, which is really cool and we have lots in common, being former sound guys and with lots of shared connections.  He invited me down because he wants to get on board supporting Rawkstars more formally, which is of course awesome.  He said he was going to send me a check, since he is more old school, than going the subscription path.  Definitely talking about Rawkstars and knowing that it hits people makes me super grateful and Steve is someone I admire.

Had a call with another potential Rawkstars mom yesterday, that I met through Deb DaSilva.  She has a daughter who is home schooled and interested in drum lessons.  It’s been great to connect with so many new kids the last few months and be in a position financially to bring some new blood into the program.  We onboarded Kiernan, and Charissa and now are poised to add Daniela and Natalie.  We had to remove Aiden from the program, as he moved away and has been unresponsive to the people at TJ’s as well as to Jamie’s outreach.  Sad that we lost him, but it’s a positive on the business side for us to be able to move on when appropriate and take action to add new kids to the mix.  Proud and grateful for the progress we are making to expand to new households.

6/18/21:  Continuing the nightly frisbee routine with Q.  It’s been nice even though my tendency to be lazy creeps in.  We get outside for some fresh air, move slightly and usually have a good conversation.  Grateful for these times and that I have such a mindfully aware son!

Hung out with Jeff Crocker and Mike + Sue Keefe last night.  Jeff came up from Florida to jam with his old bandmates, Sick Phyllis.  I mixed them a decent amount and became friends with Jeff, reconnecting in recent years through FB, etc.  He asked me about borrowing some bass gear while he was here and I was psyched to be able to oblige and lend a hand.  He’s been super generous to Rawkstars over the last bunch of years and it was the least I could do.  We hung out around the firepit and had some burgers.  I invited Mike over as I know they were good friends too.  It felt nice to have some people over and talk with some new folks in a casual, small setting.  Thankful for old friends, for our home and for being able to help Jeff out, through music.

Confirmed that our band is going to play at Larry’s 50th bday party in July.  It had been a bit of a point of stress, after he asked us.  Moonstruck is changing drummers and hasn’t had much momentum in a positive direction lately.  Heavy Mellow is just getting fired up again and scheduling anything with Paul has been tough.  Anyways, after some texts and calls, everyone is on board.  Larry, being a cool guy, offered to pay everyone and take care of getting a sound guy.  I’m actually really looking forward to it.  It will give HM some focus in the near term, and help us get ready for the Rawkstars gig in September.  Nothing like playing live to make you better quickly and having the date booked should help us schedule additional rehearsals and hone in on a setlist.  Grateful to Larry for the offer and that everyone in both bands was able to make it work, despite the challenges.

6/15/21:  Grateful for playing frisbee with Q last night after dinner.  He’s been getting into that lately and we played over the weekend at Noah’s party.  Nothing fancy, just tossing the disc around in the street.  Nice spending time with the boy doing stuff like that.

Starting to poke around for ideas of what to do out in Vegas.  We’ll be leaving in less than two weeks and I’m looking to make it a memorable trip.  While we have money, I’ll do my best to try and not worry about spending and focus on creating memories as a family.

6/14/21:  Worked in the yard yesterday.  Did an overdue mow, which took quite a while, with constant bagging.  I also edged the walkway for the first time in a while and weeded, both the front beds and spraying of the back patio and rock garden.  I edged the curb in front of. the house and lastly I dug up the dead bush from the front planting bed.  It felt good to be outside and was a good reminder that my body is still capable of hard work, even though I’m not doing my best with eating.  I’m grateful that it still works and that I am able to muster the energy to beautify the house and feel good about the results.

Watched the semis and the finals of the French Open over the weekend.  Some of the best tennis I’ve watched in years.  Even though Djokovic won and beat Nadal and Tsitsipas, both of whom I was rooting for, I enjoyed both matches immensely.  Thankful to witness such incredible athleticism and skill.  I enjoy tennis a great deal and it was a nice balance of being active combined with some sports watching.

Practiced music again last night and started learning ‘My Love is Alive”, a song that Lisa suggested.  It’s a cool funky bass line but I think the song will be heavy as hell when we jam it.  It’s a classic 70s melody and I was glad that she suggested something for us to try and that I was able to already make progress learning it.

6/13/21:  Went to Noah’s 21st bday last night.  I think he’s the first kid that we’ve known since he was born that turned 21.  Crazy to think back on all the years of growth and changes.  He’s an awesome guy and it was nice to see so many old faces.  Redd came down, and it was also cool to connect with him.  The kids came as well as Cam and everyone had a good time.  Grateful for old friends and for the fact that our families are close.

Got some nice practice time on my bass yesterday, and it felt good to keep moving ahead with the HM songs.  My new bass amp is really fun to play through and I’m really glad to have bought it and grateful for the ability to buy mostly what I want.

6/12/21:  Visited James as mentioned yesterday.  Had a great morning of shooting and interviewing him.  I learned a lot about his experience and about how our program worked through his eyes.  He also opened up about his own situation and I learned that he killed someone in a DUI accident.  It was hard to hear him talk about it and a keen reminder that is the type of thing that could happen to anybody.  Literally.  Everyone I know, including myself, has gotten behind the wheel in a scenario where we would have failed a breathalyzer test.  My heart went out to him, but I’m glad he is doing better now.  Can’t wait to leverage the new footage into the video and see where Doga takes it.  Grateful to have those guys in my corner and even more grateful that our music program helped people in the ways James described.

Jamie texted me in the afternoon and offered some tickets to a local gig at The District.  We saw some half baked Foreigner band.  They weren’t awesome but I had fun.  We saw a couple people we knew and got to get out of the house for a couple hours.  Always thankful for live music and I’d love to see if the band could perform at that venue.  It’s so close to the house and definitely a music focused spot to play.

6/11/21:  Heading out this morning to visit James, from the Guitars Behind Bars program.  He has been released and I am going up with Jonas and Doga to film an interview with him about his experience.  This has been a long time coming and I’m super excited to get this footage in the can.  Not only will it allow us to finally finish off the video project, but I feel it might be a catalyst for moving ahead with seeking funding for additional programs.  Regardless of the outcome, I’ll be pumped to finally put the project out on the front lines and definitely will be able to use it for my summer Fan Club blitz to march to 225 members.  Thankful to be working on something creative again and always to be connecting with the EmVision guys on a video effort.

6/10/21:  Another gap in time, but all good.  Mostly, I’ve been missing my scheduled time to post in the morning, because I’ve changed up my routine.  Been waking up earlier and walking at the park.  The sun rises so early this time of year, I’m awake earlier without trying.  I had been lounging and spending extra time in bed but decided on Monday to get up and get out.  It’s been nice.  I’m driving over to Massasoit around 715 and walking the 3.25 mile loop, getting back to the house about an hour later.  That still leaves me enough time to shower and change before heading upstairs to be online for my 9am standup.  I like the pattern and find my energy level has been higher during the day and in the evening too.  Guessing that isn’t just coincidence.  Grateful to have a week under my belt and hoping that documenting it here will give me a tiny bit of resilience when I am surely tempted to return to lounging.

Talked with Sterling today at work for the first time in a while.  He’s one of my best Hasbro buds and I always laugh a lot when we hookup.  He’s one of those dudes that I can go months without speaking with, but the second we see each other it’s straight back to when we were hanging every day.  Easy going, smart and talented.  Thankful to have crossed paths with my brother from another mother and have him in my life.

Band rehearsed this past weekend for the first time since November!  We plugged in also, which felt nice.  We learned 3 new songs and I was surprised at how good they sounded.  Felt natural and I didn’t embarrass myself at all.  I had picked up a new bass rig the day before on Craigslist.  I bought an Ampeg Portaflex 500 system which is a 500w head running through 1×15 and 2×10 cabs.  I set it up side by side and it sounds and looks awesome!  I felt like I had more power at my fingertips which allowed me to relax and dig in slightly less while playing, and still be heard and felt.  It was also the first time we have rehearsed since I upgraded the PA.  Even though I didn’t really ring it out much or tweak anything, it also performed well.  I’m hoping to spend some more time improving the sound in our room by touching up the drum kit and experimenting with mic’ing the kick drum.  A nice upgrade would be something to process vocals, as the onboard effects in my mixer are fairly terrible.  I could also use a used set of upgraded cymbals for the kit.  I kinda wish I had a band jamming there without me on bass so I could play sound guy and work the room, but still happy with the status overall and glad to have music back in my life.

6/4/21:  Visited the office again yesterday.  Had coffee and conversation with Dolph.  He’s such a great guy and I owe him so much.  Nothing special happened, I just reached out since I was going to be onsite and asked if we could connect.  He made time and came over to hang out.  We hugged and spent about 45 minutes on the couches just catching up.  Hasbro, family, sports, etc.  Appreciative of the human connection and for the role he played very directly in where I am today.

I also made good progress on a deck I’ve been working on for Sue, regarding Hello Hasbro.  Nothing special again, but something I’ve been stalling on the last couple weeks.  She liked the content and I felt good about what I came up with.  Thankful that little things at work continue to be a source of stability for me.

Took the kiddos to ice cream last night.  Lisa went out to meet the girls and we had some laughs.  Also ordered this pile of Funko toys.  I had this bright idea to decorate our new tv stand with music characters.  Q came up with the idea of everyone picking 3 so we’d have an array.  After lots of surfing and chatter I spent like $350 on the damn things.  Definitely more than I had been planning, but super grateful that I am in position to not worry about the cost and just be able to enjoy that with the family and do something to make the house look cooler.

I didn’t write about it last week, but I also did a similar creative project with a bunch of music pics in a collage by the front door.  I had printed a ton of B&W photos over the last few months and finally got around to hanging them.  I spent a couple hours on a rainy Sunday putting it all together.  I must say I’m really happy with how it came out and it was a fun process that took patience and creativity, two things I can always use more of.  Always feels good when the house gets any kind of refresh and I’m grateful for the opportunity to have such a nice home.

6/3/21:  Struggling with mindful eating.  Again.  Still.  Seems like I’m in this circular process of good/bad, on/off track that I cannot seem to arrest.  I suppose its the nature of things to behave this way in general and something about my need to control it is probably at the root.  That said, I’ve experienced long stretches (years, even) where I was able to live a balanced life of consumption, discipline, fitness and contentment with regards to my food and movement.  I am struggling to get back to that big time, but grateful for another chance to try today.

Heard from Gary over at PV yesterday that he and Sue are planning to purchase a home.  They were approved for a mortgage and are starting down the path.  I don’t know how long that will take, but I took it as a positive.  Ideally, they can find something this month, giving them about 2 subsequent months to close and move.  Not sure if we could list the condo in the meantime, but that would be ideal.  Even if we were looking at an empty condo come September 1st, that feels like a win and still within the realm of possibility for us to cash in nicely, while retaining the humanity in the process.  Grateful for the chance to execute against this vision and the potential for what it will mean for my family and me personally.  Dropping another responsibility, while bolstering our financial position would be immense.

I’m thinking part of the imbalance I’m feeling with food (see above) is related to the music/gig situation.  I’m feeling tentative about the Rawkshow and need to move over the hump of announcing it soon, I think.  It’s kinda normal to be worried about it prior to selling tickets, and all the details that will go into pulling it off.  I always suffer this when taking this leap or when embarking on fundraising.  I think the lack of rehearsal and confidence on the music side is part of it.  Hoping that our rehearsal this coming Sunday will help alleviate some of that for me.  In some ways, I should be looser than ever.  We don’t really NEED to make money or sell a ton of tickets here.  RS is in the best financial shape of its life and we could easily survive, regardless of the monetary success of any event.  I think its more of my soul fearing that people won’t turn out to support us, but not sure why I feel that way.  We’ve never been let down by those folks and I shouldn’t let it concern me.  Seth always talks about the fear of leaping and I suppose that’s what is happening.  Even though I leap more often than most, I’m not immune to the effects of feeling the trepidation and probably never will be.  I’ll use that as my compass to inform me that I know I’m doing the right there here, and let the universe unfold as it always does, regardless of how I feel 🙂

6/2/21:  Offline for a bit :/. Went to see Q run again last night.  Been great watching and supporting him at the track meets over the last month or so.  I forgot how much I enjoyed going to them and seeing him run.  He’s made good progress and set a PR @ 5:41 on the mile yesterday for the last meet of the season.  So gratifying seeing him take his role on the team so seriously.  He’s even started to run offline a bit on weekends and outside the practice schedule.  Hopeful it will have some effect on me, as the Fun Run season is scheduled to begin next Monday night.  The thought of running 5k is daunting to say the least, given my lack of “shape” and excess weight, but I want to see if I can make it a Monday habit through the summer and help me turn the corner.

I let the Patnaude’s know about the PV plan last week.  They are of course upset and I haven’t heard much back from them, about getting together to talk.  I brought Patti by the unit and she told me it would list for $299k.  I’m tiptoeing around with Gary, but also am determined to make this work and get myself out from at least the one property.  I’ve been lucky for the most part with landlording but this part sucks.  I want to do my best to close the books on this place and reap the rewards of my investment and hard work over the years.  I’m seeing the path won’t be easy, but I’m committing to walking it at this point.

Thankful to be watching playoff hockey, which is always an enjoyable time of year.  B’s are tied 1-1 with NYI in round #2.  They look solid, but Tampa Bay appears to be a juggernaut and I’m not sure anyone can hang with them.

Getting close to announcing the Rawkstars 9/11 show.  It’s been weighing on me already and the process feels more rocky than in the past.  Not sure if that’s my perception (probably) or reality.  Regardless, it’s forced me to pickup my bass, which is positive.  Heavy Mellow is supposed to rehearse on Sunday for the first time since October.  Looking forawrd to that, even though I’m kinda scared TBH.  My skills have rusted and I want to feel confident in myself, and not let the guys down.

FInancials are solid on the RS front.  I did my books yesterday and we are at $22k+ with a clean month of bills.  At the end of June, I should receive the $25k grant from GBKF, which would put our balance at perhaps its highest total ever.  I still have a ways to go to reach 225 Fan Club members, but I feel pretty confident I will get there with the gig as a backdrop for memberships, as well as some emails I’m planning to send out.  Why can’t I shake the feeling of pressure with this stuff, even though it’s going so well?  Grateful to write here as a reminder of that fact!

Had the MOH’s procedure last week and my stitches are now gone.  The scar has cleared up pretty well so far, but I still have remnants of the scabbing.  I’m thankful to have gotten this dealt with and grateful the healing process has been pretty mellow.  Not feeling awesome about my health lately, but grateful for another day today!

5/25/21:  Continued a good streak of movement by walking in the park after work with Lisa.  During the walk we talked about selling PV.  It’s obviously been in my mind for a few years now, and I brought it up more directly as a strong reco to sell.  It’s a difficult experience, this side of landlording.  For nearly 10 years we’ve been doing this, never having had to ‘move on’ from someone.  I had actually approached Gary and Sue 2 summers back when I first was thinking about selling.  It didn’t come to fruition, mainly because I was unable to get Bob out of Azalea, and then covid struck.  We’ve all kinda been in limbo ever since.  I hate the idea of displacing them and I know the rental market is super tough right now, and expensive.  I don’t know how much luck they will have but I feel it’s important to push the envelope with them, even if it hurts.  With the market cresting, we have the opportunity to make enough profit on PV to completely pay off the mortgage on Azalea.  That would give us 2.5 rental properties, plus our own home, mortgage free.  It’s just too attractive an opportunity to ignore and could set us up for the kind of ‘golden years’ we sought by investing in the first place.  The Patnaude’s have been ideal tenants, and we’ve had a great relationship since they moved in.  We’ve always addressed their issues quickly and take good care of the property and they’ve always been mellow, timely tenants.  It’s heartbreaking inside, but I don’t know how else to reconcile the idea of having the property and being a good person.  I’ll give them every chance to find a place and even help them financially if I can.  I can offer them a free months rent and see if Patti or someone else can act as a tenant realtor to get them settled, even if I have to pay for that.  Grateful for the potential outcome here, but struggling to swallow the process of displacing a cool family.

5/24/21:  Experiencing a bit of a heatwave lately, and I’m digging it.  It’s been warm (even hot) and sunny, so lots of time outside.  Worked in the yard yesterday and it looks terrific.  Spring lawns are the best, growing like crazy, thick and green.  It’s also helpful movement for me to keep somewhat active.

Bruins closed out WAS last night to win round #1 of the playoffs.  They looked good in the last two games, but need more consistency moving ahead.  I’m of course glad they are moving on and watching playoff hockey, especially with the home team still alive is one of the great pleasures we are fortunate to enjoy.

Ecem came by yesterday with her son, Jack.  He’s 13 and getting interested in guitar from a class at school.  I outfitted him with a guitar, amp and a bunch of extras.  It felt really nice to help him get on track and see if music will inspire him.  Super grateful to be someone who gets that type of call, from a good friend.

Booked a pool cabana for our Vegas trip for day 1 and 2.  Started kicking the tires on other stuff to do.  I really want to make the vacation memorable and active for the whole family.  I’m worrying less about cost than usual and focusing more on fun.  I know I’m able to do that due to our solid financial footing, but still, I’m thankful for the changed POV and obviously to be in the position to make those kinds of decisions.

5/22/21:  Had my MOH procedure yesterday to remove the basal carcinoma from my cheek.  It was fairly quick and I was at the office for just a few hours before heading home.  They took two rounds to scrape the margins of my cheek and took a chunk the size of a dime.  It’s all stitched up and swollen, and after about a week, I return to get the stitches taken out and cleaned.  Thankful that Lisa made me finally visit the dermatologist and thankful that I have medical insurance to cover some of the costs.  Also grateful to have found a good place and doctor for the treatment.

Booked a family vacation to Las Vegas a few nights ago.  Finally was able to figure something out that I think everyone will enjoy.  It has bright lights and big city energy for Q, pools and relaxation for Bella and we can find plenty to keep us busy and entertained I’m certain.  Also planning to try and get a night trip to Zion or one of the national parks, so we can have a nature component to the trip also (for me :). Really glad to have it on the books for late June and thankful that we have the money to afford stuff like this without issue.

Walked the park again with Crissy yesterday and it’s been nice to have some company to talk to.  I also have been doing a bit of practicing on bass, which feels good.  Band is on the same page with getting back together in a few weeks to rehearse.  We are going to try a new approach, and plug back in and slant towards more blues/guitar oriented tunes.  I’m hopeful we can pick things up with a positive start and get rolling on learning a set for the RS gig in September.  I really want to be able to perform at a high level and reconnect musically with everyone, as well as myself.  That’s been a missing element for sure and I need to do a better job at balancing my priorities, as well as really figuring out WTF they actually are 🙂

5/19/21:  Home for the last few days, which has been nice.  No place like home.  Thankful for my bed!  After getting back, I’ve been sleeping like a baby and the bed is such a difference.  Weather has been exceptional and we’ve had the first couple of days pushing 80 degrees.  I got to the park for a walk twice.  My eating has been ok, not awesome and not terrible.  Glad to have survived the vacation in about the same spot as I was before leaving.  Bruins tied the series in OT and thankful to be watching playoff hockey, which is the best.  I had a Rawkstars advisory board meeting the other night and it was good.  Nothing revelatory but having some folks contribute to the thought process was helpful and I felt good about getting their input.  I met with Amy A. last night and she is plugging away to come up with a reco on moving ahead with the new site project.  Very thankful to be working with her on this and feeling confident we may finally get this right.  Being off work has been good too, I kinda needed the break and will be jumping back in tomorrow.  Got to see Q run a couple times the last few weeks including last night, when he did the 800m, a new event for him.  Love giving him the attention he deserves and seeing him thrive.  Grateful for a good week all around.

5/16/21:  Bruins lost last night in game #1 of the playoffs.  Fun to have the game on up here, but not a terrific game overall, even before they gave up the overtime goal.  Always thankful for playoff hockey, plenty of enjoyment to follow.  Finished the trip strong, with plenty of laughs, as has been the case.  I lost a bit of control last night, after having a few drinks.  Noticing the coincidence between the two.  Wondering if it’s the alcohol, or just the fact that I let my ‘guard down’ on both ends?  Either way, I overdid it at the end of the night and was mindlessly snacking before deciding to simply go to bed.  Glad I finally arrested myself and stopped and grateful for the start of a new day.  Lisa had a rough go yesterday and got really drunk and wound up passing out around 5pm.  I’m guessing she won’t be happy with herself today and I’ll try to make her feel better about it and move on.  Also thankful we will be packing up this morning and we’ll see the kids sometime around 130 or 2pm.  We’ll still have a chunk of the day left to unpack and relax back into being home.  Someone mentioned the weather is supposed to be in the 80s back home this week, so really excited to have some warm, sunny days and still be off from work.

5/15/21:  Another great day at the lake.  I’ve been proud of myself and feeling good.  Enjoying it a lot but not stressing about food and consuming mindfully.  I’ve mostly been smoking, which I have more ability to control.  Not eating any junk and moving fairly often.  We picked up the boat today and enjoyed the hell out of it.  It was a nice boat and we saddled up a ride early and checked out some of the homes in the area, which are nothing short of magnificent.  We drove to the town and docked, then grabbed a beer and walked a bit.  On the way back, I let Doug helm and he loved it.  At least until he drove us over a sandbar and ravaged the propeller.  We were literally like 100 yards from the house when it happened.  It kinda put a buzzkill on what had been a perfect afternoon, but we didn’t stress.  I took the boat back and told them what happened.  Doug drove over in his car and of course wanted to pay for the damage.  The people were super gracious and it surely happens regularly.  It only cost Doug $190, which also paid for the fuel we used.  After we got back and were of course laughing about it.  I told everyone how lucky we were to be able to rent the boat, which would be a luxury for most.  We were equally as lucky to not have to worry about it even after it got fucked up, $200 is nothing in our lives.  I was thankful for the day and made sure everyone realized that is what we should focus on.

5/14/21:  First full day at LG, had a fun time.  Doug and I rode our bikes to the downtown area, about 13 miles round trip.  It was a nice rolling street, so we had sections of uphill effort and then coasting downhill.  It felt tremendous and I’m so happy that we went.  We hung out downtown a bit and rested.  I took some pictures, which I haven’t done in about a year, covid and all.  That felt so damn good.  Tons of awesome houses in the area and very cool to check out.  Thankful that I got myself moving and that Doug came along with me for motivation and company.

Weather has been great and in the afternoon, we hung out on the deck mostly.  I’ve managed to eat really well, and enjoy myself balanced with self-control.  Plenty of music, laughs and camraderie.  Slept a bit better, but the bed situation isn’t awesome.  Grateful for this time and for unplugging from work.

5/13/21:  Drove up to Lake George last night with the crew.  Dave & Liza, Doug & Sue, Mike & Doreen and Cid.  We carpooled and have a convoy with two trucks full of stuff.  We arrived at the cabin sorta late so it was already dark.  We have our own room and the place is nice.  Had some laughs late night and I did really well with being mindful of taking care of myself.  I didn’t snack and drank water.  I brought some pot and actually rolled a joint, for the first time in years.  It felt good to smoke and have a buzz without the side effects, dehydration and sluggish morning.

Went down to the lake early this morning with Lisa and Doug.  Was so quiet and peaceful.  I stretched a bit, did my pushups and had coffee.  Beautiful spot and enjoyed our first morning with the lake background.

Grateful to be away from home for a few days with friends and be in a new environment.  Thankful for a great start to the vacation, and planning to hit the bike ride today, with Doug.

5/12/21:  As mentioned, Lisa came back.  Was nice having the house full again.  Bella has been working a ton, but things feel balanced and it’s nice.  Quincy had a spring track meet yesterday afternoon, up in Wrentham.  He hasn’t had one that was open to parents in over a year and I miss going to see him run and support him.  I had a mid-day call I couldn’t miss, so I drove up early and took the call from my car.  Once that ended, I walked over to the field and found him.  It was much smaller than the usual mass of kids and parents, but was relatively nice out so I enjoyed the waiting.  He ran a 5:50 mile, which was a PR.  He was of course thrilled and it was really nice to be there in person.  We hung out briefly after the race, then I headed back home.  So thankful to have gotten to check out at least the one meet.  Covid had far reaching effects and that was one it was nice to get beyond.

Had some great conversations at work yesterday.  One was with an org from Providence called Peace Love and another round with the folks at Urban Arts in Brooklyn, that I met a few weeks back.  This process of ‘interviewing’ is very interesting and I’m learning a lot.  It feels nice to know that we are going to be helping out so many of these new partners and building Hasbro’s philanthropic portfolio up.  Being able to get to know about these orgs and the people running them is a genuine blessing and I’m fortunate to have this POV.

5/11/21:  Lisa is home!  Picked them up at the airport super early this AM @ 6.  Aside from the alarm clock and fog of waking up extra early, it was nice to get up and out.  The birds are always cranking at this hour and I struggled to adjust my eyes to the sunlight so early, but somehow it felt good.  I drove in silence and met them curbside.  Always nice that first few seconds of seeing someone you miss.  They had a great time and everyone seemed genuinely happy.  After getting home, Lisa went downstairs to nap, as she pulled basically an all-nighter coming in on the red eye.  I’m sure she’ll be up in a few hours and it’s great to have her back in the fold 🙂

Yesterday I spent time cleaning up, so she would come home to a kept house.  I cut the lawn, which is growing super fast and it got me outside and moving.  I also did some more cooking and am thankful I had the chance to dive in on that this week, even if it took some extra time and attention.  I made chicken thighs, which I cooked in the oven since I ran out of propane.  They came out awesome and anytime I get to cook inside the oven it’s good, since I don’t use it that much.  I also made a nice brown rice dish, using up all the leftover veggies we had on hand.  A splash of soy sauce and it tasted super yummy and satisfying, without the need to add any sauce or sweeteners.  I’ve had a solid week of mindful consumption and connecting with non-processed foods much more.  Feeling good and aiming to keep the momentum going as we head into our trip up to Lake George.

5/10/21:  Mother’s Day yesterday.  We had the fam over, without Lisa and without UB.  It was pretty quiet as expected.  Weather was solid so we were at least able to have the windows open and spend a bit of time on the deck.  GiGi especially loves being out there and feeling the warm sun, as do I.  Randy brought over a deli tray from the Jewish place, which is an easy score and made the prep and cleanup a breeze.  We got flowers and cards of course and it was a pretty painless day, which my mom enjoyed.  That’s the main point and I’m thankful for all she did for me, especially growing up and her attempts at keeping me on track, even when they didn’t work 🙂

Over the weekend I connected with bascially all the band guys and gals.  Seems like everyone is on point with getting back together and trying to put together a set for the RS event on 9/11.  I had beers with Jim and we caught up about lots of stuff.  He was basically asking me questions about my music life, since getting started as an engineer.  It was cool to recount some of that and was a reminder for me how fotrunate I have been in that world and in my own life.  I proposed to everyone that we scrap the acoustics in favor of rock/blues songs and shared a bunch of tunes I want to learn.  Next step is going to be figuring out a rehearsal schedule that will allow us to ramp up quickly so we can be strong for the gig.  Grateful to have a musical purpose back and burning and looking forward to getting my chops back where they need to be.

5/8/21:  Met up with Heather and Jeff Delleo yesterday.  They have a beautiful home over in Walpole and invited me over.  I grabbed a keyboard from them and Heather had pledged a $1,500 donation when we ran a FB post a few weeks back.  They always give via a Fidelity Donor Advised check, so I’m sure it will arrive in the next few weeks.  In any case, we hung out and had coffee and talked.  We haven’t seen each other in a few years and met them through Mikey and Alyssa.  They were super close friends and that’s how we know them.  I really enjoyed the conversation, catching up with new people and just sharing.  They are super generous and helped Rawkstars in numerous ways over the years.  Grateful for cool people, for the generosity of others and for the small pleasures of just connecting with like-minded humans in close quarters.

I was alone for most of the day, as Bella worked in the morning then went straight to Cam’s.  Q had school and then a track meet in Medford right after, so he didn’t come back until about 7pm.  During the afternoon I went by the dispensary, for the first time in a while.  That led me to taking out my bass when I got back.  I dialed up a few songs and tried to play through.  I was able to but my hand strength was low and my endurance was near zero.  I jammed through some of the blues songs I want to do for the 9/11 show and revised my working list a bit after.  I also tuned up the PA a bit after cranking it at high levels, and it sounded much better.  I sat and listened to some more tunes and wound up with a really nice song list that I think is doable.  It felt good to run through a few tunes and feel like I’ll be able to get back well enough to a playing level that won’t embarrass me and the others 😉

I also met Lourenco in the afternoon to gauge his interest/ability to rehearse.  He’s always a long straw because he works a lot and has at least 2 other musical commitments.  I think he wants to give it a try and offered up a couple windows of time.  We also chatted a bit about his financial situation.  He doesn’t make much money in his job life.  He’s a super talented dude with art and music, but never put that together into a proper career, so he’s doing menial jobs.  It was a reminder to me that people I’m close to in life are in this boat.  He doesn’t have proper insurance and I’m certain he’s not saving for retirement or anything beyond sneaking by.  I wish there were a way to help him out, and I know he deserves to put his talents to work and feel rewarded by that.  Live music returning will help him a bit, so he can return to supplementing his income, but I wonder what will happen as we age.  I’m ever more thankful for being able to turn my own skills into something valuable enough to make a strong income and take care of myself and the family.  We have it so very good and our financial picture is a strength and not a liability.  Grateful for that.

5/7/21:  Met up with old friend Natalie Hogan down in Providence for lunch.  She left Hasbro a few years back but we used to hang out and I always liked her.  She told me about her career move, which put her in a leadership position for a tech company up in Boston these last few years.  Sounds like the company grew a ton and she was in the epicenter of it, but things fell apart recently.  She and her boss and some others are starting a new venture together and I’m sure she will do well.  I am thankful to have some smart, ambitious folks in my network that I can connect with and learn from.  We also had a really nice lunch at a small shop in Wayland Square.  I got some homemade falafel and hummus, with some greens and grape leaves.  Yum!  I made salmon and chicken for dinner along with some Brussels sprouts.  Grateful for good food in my life as always.

Quincy’s new couch came in for his room.  We put it together and it fits nicely.  I’m thankful we have resources to help him make his space more inviting and functional.  We are going to make some other updates and I’m happy we can continue to beautify the house and also give the kids what they need.

Had a meeting with Phoenix, which is a recovery based program that I connected with through Josh Bowdridge from Middlesex House of Corrections.  We talked about some possible music programming, and there are some exciting possibilities there.  I honestly don’t need any more projects or work focus areas, but it’s always good to expand my network and talk with like-minded folks who want to partner.  There’s an opportunity to do a concert up at their space in Lowell, with support from the prison and if I can get Keith to respond to me, I’d love to feature him.  That’s been a challenge that I really want to solve, so we can close out the documentary.  I’ll keep at it and hope he comes around.

5/6/21:  Took Bella to have her wisdom teeth pulled.  She did well and it only took about 2 hours start to finish.  I missed much of the workday, but actually I think I needed to rest myself.  I felt a bit rundown after getting my vax shot the day before.  Lots of people have reported getting sick and while I didn’t feel that bad, I could definitely tell I wasn’t myself.  Cam came down to hang out with her, which I’m sure she liked.  I made squash soup for dinner, which came out awesome.  Grateful for the family time and helping take care of the kids lately in Lisa’s absence.  She has pretty much covered all that for the last while so it feels good to chip in again.

Did some mild walking and spent some time stretching in the evening.  Continuing with my morning pushup and squat sets and feeling ever so slightly better.  Grateful to have a functioning body still and aiming to try and keep it that way!

5/5/21:  Day #2 of solo flight without Lisa :). Had a productive day overall.  Got the sink and electrical fixed.  Connected with Bob Rochleau, who came by and fixed the switch in about 20 minutes, without charging me a dime.  He’s a good dude and it felt good to see him and talk a bit.  It also made me realize how thankful I am for friends.  I could have easily spent $200 or whatever to have someone come over and do the same thing.  I probably could have even fixed it myself.  That said, I’m thankful for Bob’s friendship and it was a reminder for me to do small favors for others when possible.  I do my best in that area, but it was a nice reminder.

I also carved out some time to make guacamole.  I had gone shopping the day before, to prepare to eat well while Lisa is away.  I couldn’t resist the bag of overripe avocados on the bargain rack.  It feels so good to take time to prepare food and have health in mind when doing so.  I’ve had a nice couple days of making my relationship with food a focus.  Grateful for access and willingness to use my energy on this.  It’s something I need to keep top of mind about why it’s important and beneficial to my life.

Got my second Covid vax, so I’m currently up to date.  Feeling a bit lethargic today and my arm is sore.  That seems mild compared with symptoms I’ve heard others report.  Grateful for my health and that I live in a country that has such unfettered access to health care.  Also grateful to live in a time where science and business can combine to solve a huge problem for the world.

5/3/21:  Dropped Lisa, Olga, Tina and Donna at the airport yesterday morning.  I know they are going to have a great time and it was nice to see them off.  It also felt good to be up and out of the house so early.  It’s been a while since I’ve done that and something about it is peaceful and a reminder of the freshness of every day.  We’re going to miss her terribly and it was already strange to be home alone for most of the morning/afternoon, until Q came back from track.

I connected with Crissy for the first time in months.  We texted a bit and ultimately decided to meet over at Massasoit for a walk.  We caught up on work, music, and life in general.  I enjoyed it greatly and having someone to talk with was nice.  I told her I wanted to get something together for the 9/11 gig but am still kinda working that out in my mind.  I’m feeling more certain that it should be a blues thing with her, Chuck, Jimmy and Joe M.  I may also ask Emily B. to sing with us, provided Lisa will be playing with Moonstruck.  Still lacking the motivation to pickup my bass, but feeling some semblance of reality coming into focus will push me where I need to be.  Grateful for Lisa, our family and for the friends that I have who are willing to connect.

5/2/21:  Went out to see live music last night!  Drove to Boston and saw Julie Rhodes perform.  I’ve been wanting to see her play for quite some time, but finally got the chance.  It was at a pretty cool restaurant called The Porch, that hosts a lot of blues bands.  Food was solid, like a southern bbq type place.  It was about an hour away, but it also felt good to drive someplace new and different.  She was pretty good and the band was filled with good players.  I could tell they weren’t quite in ‘game shape’, like I assume most bands won’t be early on.  Still, I enjoyed it and we had a nice dinner, some drinks and made a night of it.  Thankful that things are returning to normal and that soon, we’ll be able to see national acts again.

5/1/21:  Chatted with Prof yesterday.  He’s an old friend and we connected a few times during covid.  He’s having some marriage issues and seems to be separating from longtime partner Alison.  I always thought they were a great couple, but it just proves you never know what’s going on in private lives.  In any case, I’ve been wanting to be a supportive friend and so we’ve had a handful of Zoom calls, just to hang a bit and talk.  It’s nice and I’m grateful to have him in my life and to be able to be a friend to him, when he probably needs it most.

I finally am reaching some mental clarity with regards to the Rawkstars planned show on 9/11.  It’s been swirling in my head and I’ve been reticent to solidify much of a plan or really ask anyone formally.  I couldn’t sleep last night immediately and got up and wrote down some ideas.  I’m feeling better about it now, in terms of having a plan of attack.  I’ll begin to contact people today and get buy-in, and adjust anything if necessary.  I think it will be a good time to have a gig, with things returning to pre-covid times, in terms of gatherings.  We’re not quite there yet, but venues are starting to open and people seem much more willing to gather.  The Narrows is a perfect space because it’s wide open.  I think having something on the calendar more ‘real’ will help me get my shit together on the music side, and perhaps bring some focus to other areas of my life, if I start to bring music back into my heart.  Guessing the show won’t be a moneymaker for us, but I want to put the show itself ahead of any monetary gain.  This year especially, I think the aim is different for us.  Always thankful for the chance to bring people together in the name of Rawkstars, music and charity.

4/30/21:  Had a call with Gary and Joan Eichorrn last night.  I met Gary about 15 years back when Rawkstars was still coming together.  We had started a guitar class at the Boys & Girls Club in Allston called the West End House.  It was our first partnership and I remember it fondly.  At the time, Gary was just spinning up his Music Clubhouse program through his own nonprofit, Music & Youth Initiative and we joined forces a bit.  I brought him into the West End House and introduced him to Andrea, the Executive Director.  Over the coming weeks he decided that would be a perfect spot for his next clubhouse and proceeded to build a permanent music space, which still exists today.  I got edged out shortly thereafter as Rawkstars wasn’t needed anymore.  It hurt at the time, but I think I just took it too personally and over the years, I realized that and have watched Gary’s org go on to establish clubhouses all over the country.  Pretty impressive and impactful.

Anyways, we’ve stayed loosely in touch over the years and they have sent a check to Rawkstars for many years to donate.  Generally $1,000, which is amazing.  We connected a few months back via email, when Gary responded to one of our newsletter posts about the prison project.  Since that time, I reached out to him and asked advice on some research I’ve been doing at Hasbro.  I could tell there was some interest there so I asked about a Zoom.  We caught up on personal stuff then I talked about Rawkstars, our pivot to the Fan Club model and of course Guitars Behind Bars.  I shared the trailer and we talked about the need in this area pretty deeply.  He told me that he and Joan wanted to offer their support for this program and help in any way they could.  He offered some possible hardware in the form of these portable studio units they use at the Clubhouses.  They look pretty slick and basically consist of a tablet, a converter, a mic and a small keyboard with some headphones.  Everything is mounted to a guitar pedal board so it can literally be carried around and contains everything needed to make and record music.  He also said he had some connections he would introduce me to for possible funding and another who works closely with the prison system, who may be able to offer advice or introductions to facilities where we could engage more pilots.  It’s exciting and rekindled my energy for the program a bit.  It’s also a bit scary, TBH, as I’ve already been swirling a little with so much juggling between work, RS and new ideas I want to dig into.  I’ll continue down the path and reconnect with him after a few weeks of thinking and more homework.  Regardless of how it pans out, I’m grateful to have moved others to the point of action with this project.  I know it’s powerful and desperately needed.  To be able to make a tiny dent in the issue feels amazing and reminded me how grateful and fortunate I have been in what we already accomplished.

4/29/21:  Another solid day of being mindful.  I’ve started to do some simple squats and pushups in the morning.  I’ve also been curbing my coffee intake ever so slightly.  Last night, Lisa went out to band practice and I ordered burgers for the kids.  I made myself a salad and ate the leftovers we had.  After dinner, when I started to get the urge for snacking (immediately!) I held onto the feeling and tried to pay attention to it in my body.  Where it came from, how it felt, etc. and I was able to hold the line and not snack.  I was far from ‘hungry’ but I’m in this pattern of consumption, and hunger has nothing to do with it!  I was grateful to have been aware, at least for one moment and to have made a mindful choice instead of reacting habitually.

I also used some of the alone time to research ideas around creating this signature program under the Hasbro philanthropy umbrella.  Sarah had the thought of creating such a program approach and I started to put some ideas around it.  I think investing in the area of access to jobs in our industry for bipoc and women groups is what I want to pitch.  By changing the faces behind the screen, we can best impact the narrative and makeup on the screen.  Our company has a vested interest in developing this talent pool and we have the opportunity to be leaders in this area.  I already reached out to a contact at ViacomCBS, who helped plant the seed by sharing a research study on kids they did recently.  I love the idea of establishing something extremely strategic for the company, but also important for society.  I think the idea has a ton of legs and could really take-off, if allowed to do so.  I did some research on corporate partnerships and the idea of big business coming together to solve societal problems, like accelerating the corona vaccination.  There is a lot of great reading on the subject and I’m grateful to be learning and pushing myself creatively in this space.

4/28/21:  Cut the grass for the first time this season.  I stepped outside after work, around 5:00 and it had warmed up significantly.  Here in NE, spring means some days get warm and others are still pretty cold.  It’s rained a fair amount lately, so it’s been more of the latter, especially since my concept of warm reflects a higher temperature than most probably would say.  Anyhow, it was sunny and warm so I decided to get some time outside and mow the grass.  Always a meditative activity for me, and I almost always enjoy it.  I also get good ideas and clarity when I mow typically, which makes it even more attractive.  I love the smell of cut grass and my lawn looks solid.  It’s improved over the last couple seasons and I’ve taken better care of it, as well as beautified with some landscape work.  Planning on a few more small projects this season.  I want to increase my bird area and add some more feeders, along with using some stone I have left over to cover the ground.  I also need to dig out 2 bushes from the front area and better space the beds.  The mulching will need to be done as well as fixing the broken stone step on the patio out back by reinforcing with sand.  Looking forward to being active and making the yard look nicer.  Grateful to be able to still move well enough to do some yard work and for the time outside yesterday.

4/27/21:  Had a strong day of mindfulness yesterday.  Ate well.  Meditated, moved a bit, and reconnected with my self.  Thinking that music is another missing element from my routine lately, as is movement.  Didn’t pickup the bass, but am realizing that my need to have outlets beyond work is what is causing some of the stress/overeating.

Had a follow up with Amy about the Rawkstars web/brand/tech project and feeling good about starting up with her.  She proposed a monthly sprint, even pace, which I think is great.  I probably wouldn’t have suggested going slow, but once she verbalized it, it resonated with me.  Makes me feel more confident about working with her and let’s face it, there really is no impetus to rush at this point.  Things are solid with our financials, membership numbers are up and we have an event on the calendar, even if I don’t have much of a plan :). If we can accomplish the new site, etc. and hit the 200 member mark by year’s end, I think that would put us in excellent position heading into next year.

Grateful for being able to see balance when it appears and for being able to breathe and embrace it.

4/26/21:  Rough weekend on the food side.  Tried to go to breakfast with Q and Cam.  Bella left early to work and left Cam at the house with us.  We went to Harry’s, waited for a seat only to find they are not serving breakfast anymore. We had some awful frozen lunch type junk and left unsatisfied.  I rolled that bad experience into a full day of terrible eating.  Q had some friends over and we ordered pizza for them (and for me!) and I gorged on random junk throughout the in between.  Hard to find a silver lining in yesterday, but it was nice seeing both of the kids with friends.  Bella is definitely smitten with Cam and they have been spending lots of time together.  I chatted with him more yesterday and learned he is a solid student, making the Dean’s list a few times.  Not sure what that is indicative of, but I’m glad to see he’s taken school seriously enough to apply himself.  Quincy had Owen, Delci and a girl from his track team over.  He’s been friends with the first two forever and they are both nice kids.  He’s gotten a bit more social over the last few years and seeing him interact with friends is nice.

I’ll close with being grateful that today is a new day.  After getting up, I showered, drank water, did some squats, meditated and am sipping coffee as I write.  Good habits all.

4/25/21:  Got down to the bike path for the first time this year.  Did the short run, from Del’s down to Bristol.  Felt good and the weather was perfect, but then I came home and ate like shit :/. Got some yard cleanup done and later in the evening we hooked up with Jimmy and Kelly to grab some dinner.  Been a while since we’ve seen them and it was nice to connect and talk about the band, music, life, etc.  We came back to the house after for a couple beers in the yard and it was a nice night to hang.  Bella had Cam over, and they poked out briefly.  Bummed that I continue to slip and sway on my eating.  Grateful for friends and for talk of music returning to our lives.

4/24/21:  Continuing to have great conversations.  Yesterday, I connected with some folks from Urban Arts, a nonprofit in NYC that we are considering funding at Hasbro.  It was fun to ask questions and feel the conversation from the side of the funder, as opposed to the org looking for help.  It’s definitely a great learning experience for me and I’m beyond grateful to gain a new POV on all this.

I also got connected with a few guys from Phoenix.  They are a nonprofit that is doing work in the sobriety space and Josh from MHOC connected them with Rawkstars.  We didn’t have a ton of time, so I’m not really sure where it might go or even how I feel about it.  That said, they are doing some good work and there is some chance for us to partner together.  They have some kind of footprint in the prison system with music as part of their offering.  I’m curious for our next meeting, and hope to learn more as well as potentially shape some thoughts about how we might partner, or if it makes sense.

Lastly, I connected with Amy Avitable.  She designed the Rawkstars website about 10 years ago.  I’m looking for someone to redesign our website as well as help connect some of our systems together for improved operations, data collection and of course better visuals.  I really enjoyed working with her years ago and left with a great feeling again yesterday.  This is a weird area, as I feel like I haven’t had great luck hiring people to do work.  I generally wind up disappointed and unsure about if I got much value.  Going into this relationship thinking positively and certainly thankful for Amy’s time.  She is smart, talented and passionate about helping people.

4/23/21:  Part 2 of BYCTW Day and I presented again for the kids and parents.  Definitely enjoying getting the extra experience presenting.  It’s something I need to improve on and the only real way is to present.  Glad to have another event in the rear-view mirror.  It was successful and fun, though not highly attended.  Hasbro needs to figure out how to improve its comms programs, as reaching employees is cumbersome and ineffective.  Grateful for the chance to represent the team, especially in front of the kids.

Still aglow from the fallout of the FB post 2 days ago.  It really pushed us towards the goal of 200 subscriptions.  Having extra revenue each month is critical and will help ensure we can continue with all our students and onboard a few more, while also addressing the website, tech updates and new programming ideas for later this year.  Grateful to our fans and for my personal network.  They truly RAWK!

4/22/21:  Yesterday was one of those days when everything just aligns :). I’d been procrastinating on doing personal outreach for new Rawkstars Fan Club members, despite having a few students in waiting and despite having already curated a list of folks I wanted to contact.  I’ve just been so damn busy lately, that anything extra feels like a chore, regardless of the effort involved.  I had also seen a few posts on LinkedIn about a clip from School of Rock that had been circulating.  It’s the scene where Tamika tells Jack Black that she didn’t try out as the singer because she is fat.  JB gives her the most awesome speech (of course) and in recent days, that has been circulating on social media.  Of course that resonated with me and I decided to share it via FB.  I figured it would at least attract a few comments and perhaps a few folks would join the Fan Club.  I assumed it would also give some visibility to what I wanted to do and help me motivate to have some follow up conversations with the folks on my list.  The response was instead overwhelming and immediate.  A couple of people dove in and joined right away.  I took that as a sign to push the momentum and started counting down, using the concept that getting 12 people to join would allow us to enroll this new student.  Every few minutes, someone else posted and joined.  Before I knew it we had almost the full dozen members.  Many opted for the annual subscription, which means that April will be a huge lump sum month going forward.  A few people opted for increments of $20, above the standard $10.  As the day wore on, posts and signups continued to trickle in and even some overnight.  As of this morning, we had a full 21 subscriptions created, many from folks who were not even on my original list.  It was an eye-opening day and showed that sometimes, the uncurated/organic communication style is more effective than something more thoughtful.  The story simply resonated with a ton of people and I was able to connect the dots between how they felt and how they could directly help this student.  BTW, the student is a 10 year old girl, who was sent our way by a sponsor at Harvard Children’s Hospital.  He is helping her through a program for obese kids and learned of her desire to play piano.  I spoke with him just the day before and I’m so glad that it all came together in such a compelling, inspiring and profitable way.  Immensely grateful that I can continue to learn and continue to be inspired by the Rawkstars power, network, brand and impact even after nearly 18 years.  Humbled.

During the day, I also participated in the Bring Your Child to Work event.  I am on the team who put the event together, but also hosted a session on Purpose.  I got to tell my story to a group of employees and their kids, which was highly rewarding.  I think some of it went over their heads, but nonetheless, it was a terrific experience.  I continue to hone my chops speaking and presenting and I got to reflect on a topic so close and meaningful to me.  Near the end, I led an exercise in gratitude journaling and I stopped presenting long enough to see all the kids on camera.  It felt awesome and I couldn’t stop smiling :). Super thankful that I got to do this, but also reflecting on the fact that I’m literally getting paid an amazing salary for doing something I’d do for free.  Wow, that is fucking special and I am fucking lucky.

Lastly, I got invited to the Community Chest award dinner, where Hasbro employees with > 200 volunteer hours are recognized.  I feel like it’s a tiny bit of a cheat on my side, since running Rawkstars requires at least that much of my attention.  I’d like to expand my volunteer scope outside of RS a bit more, but being part of this group is very special.  There are several folks who are doing amazing work and having this cohort together is very meaningful to me.  It’s yet another chance to live my dream through the office and in all candor, being recognized feels kinda nice too.  Thankful so be part of such a great company, and connected to so many compassionate people within it.

4/21/21:  I started working on research for nonprofits in the music/arts/tech space for potential partnership with Hasbro.  I’ve been waiting for this type of work to come my way and it’s exciting.  We received a nice deposit into the Hasbro Children’s Fund, which is the base of money we use to support our partners.  In addition to continuing with most of our existing partners, we have the amazing opportunity to add new ones this year, because of the additional funding.  We are also trying to do a better job aligning our new charities with our business goals and strategy.  We’ve spent a few days organizing those thoughts and narrowing in on some target areas, which each of us are taking back to dive into.  Even taking time to read about some of these orgs and see the commitment of the folks running them and the work they are doing is awesome enough.  Thinking ahead to the prospect of contacting some of them to work on Hasbro partnerships is beyond awesome.  Really grateful everyday for the job I’ve found myself in and for the opportunity to do work that I really love.

Got over to the park yesterday for a walk with Q.  Nice spring day and I was able to cut out of work a touch early and enjoy the sun while it was still warm.  We had a long talk, as we generally do during the walks.  It began to degenerate a few times, but we both caught ourselves before it got contentious.  Thankful we are both getting better at that and I thought about it a lot after getting home.  I need to improve in this area and be a better listener.  Also thankful for the slight uptick in movement and for getting my ass out of the chair to enjoy some outdoor time with Q and with nature.

4/20/21:  Chugging through with some overwhelm at work lately.  Having a bit of clarity about. the fact that I am overextending myself.  I’ve really been pushing on the Purpose side, flowing ideas, joining committees and participating in any way I can.  Trying to figure out my motivation has been tough, because this is a normal path for me.  I think I need to slow the roll on this side and get refocused on my core work.  I saw an exercise about ranking what you value most out of work (Social Impact, Money, Colleagues, Status, Creativity) and if I’m being honest, I think status is the least important on this list.  That said, I’m wired to chase it.  It hasn’t really come in the form of a new title, but I get regular affirmation from folks throughout the company, and I enjoy and sometimes seek it.  I’m going to try and settle in a bit and let some of that go over the next few weeks and see what happens.  Grateful for some visibility into my behavior and the potential for making changes.

4/18/21:  Hiked Blue Hills with Gary L. and Corey Brown yesterday.  It was cold and raining and I started waffling but decided to go anyways.  It was a nice hike and we had a good time talking all the way up and down.  I haven’t seen Corey in years and he was always a nice guy.  I’m thankful that I got myself up and moving a bit and grateful for old friends that helped motivate me.  I need more of that in my life and want to continue to seek connections with people who want to make movement a priority.  We’re not killing ourselves in the gym, but just simple stuff like walking, biking or hiking is enough to put me in a better place.

4/17/21:  Met up with the Dave/Kast/Mooney crews last night.  Fun as usual but mostly writing here because I went into in mindfully and had a good time.  Dave made a big, beefy dinner but I ate reasonable.  I enjoyed what I ate and didn’t take more than I needed.  I brought some of the non-alcoholic beers along so I had something to keep me company.  I drank some water as well, and talked to everyone a bit.  It was a good reminder that it is indeed possible to hang without overdoing it.  It’s also a reminder that I need other activities in my life to balance out things like that and encourage me to consider alternatives.  Planning to meet Gary L. today to hike Blue Hills.  Grateful for some clarity and mindful behavior lately.  I’m also down -7lbs over the last 6 weeks or so.  It’s slow but I’m feeling every so slightly better physically and mentally, with regards to my weight and body.

4/13/21:  Reconnected with an old Upromise friend, Rob Percival via Zoom.  He commented on a LinkedIn post I made last week and we decided to hangout.  I know I’ve mentioned it before, but UP was such a very special place and I made a ton of friendships that continue to this day.  Rob seems like he is doing well and he also joined the Rawkstars Fan Club, after I followed up with him later.  Blessed to have such a network of great people, even ones I don’t see often.

I presented my Purpose Deck to Kathrin yesterday.  She absolutely loved it and gave me a ton of awesome feedback.  She said it was the best preso she has seen in a while and liked my creativity, as well as the content.  At the end she said she wanted to start meeting with me and Kevin regularly to put some plans into action.  I’m really excited to be part of the core team getting this off the ground with her.  I’m reminding myself that I am happy with my role and that last year I would (probably literally) killed to have my position.  That said I can’t seem to help but push for more.  I genuinely want to be involved with shaping the purpose rollout at Hasbro and working closely with Kathrin and others to make that happen.  I’d love to get promoted (I think?!) and extend my ability to impact this specific aspect of the business.  Feels good to be recognized and to continue the positive impact at work.

4/12/21:  Spent a productive day doing some re-design of the living room area.  I started by taking down this gigantic mirror we have and relocating it to the foyer.  It took a bit of doing, as the mirror is about 7′ tall and weighs probably 80 lbs. or more.  I took my time and eventually got it re-hung.  It looked so good, I kept going.  We got another mirror that used to hang in the bathroom down from the attic and I put it in the old space.  Then I rearranged several of our pictures and paintings to create a much more pleasing look.  Lisa did some cleaning and helping out with organizing drawers, etc.  It was a great effort to spend a day making the place nicer.  We barely spent any money, besides one frame I decided to purchase and simply repurposed stuff we already had in new ways.  Grateful for the little pleasure of accomplishing something creative that benefitted our living space.

4/11/21:  Last few days have been eventful.  At work, I began participating in the exercise to begin funding some new partners, as well as evaluating old ones.  It’s super exciting and I’m looking very much forward to being part of the process, especially to recommend and lead some new orgs.  I want to develop relationships with partners I see as key executors of our shared vision.  Getting involved from the inception of those partnerships will be an amazing learning experience and I’m coming into the org at a time when we have more money to spend than in the last few years.

I’ve had a couple rough eating days, but yesterday got myself to the gym with Gary Lorimer.  He texted me out of the blue at 5am, and the timing was perfect after a night of not taking care of myself.  We talked and worked out a bit and both felt great.  Thankful for another chance to improve and continue on this crazy journey of discovery and learning about myself.

Yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous day.  Certainly the warmest day we’ve experienced here since last year.  Strong sunshine and it felt great to be outside, especially after having worked out.  I took Lisa down to Providence.  First we went by The Vet, where my friend Jack had left us tickets to see the RI Philharmonic.  He works for them and they just now started offering in person concerts.  There were only 250 people in the theater which was kinda cool, but also sad.  The orchestra were amazing and it was kinda nice to see that type of music performed, even if it mostly goes over my head.

After the show we went over to Oyster Bar, which is one of our classic PVD eating spots.  The whole area was bustling with people and activity which was awesome to see, after such a long drought.  Everyone was out, enjoying the warm night and we had a hell of a meal.  We got to sit near the front door, so there was fresh air throughout the meal.  It was a great reminder of all the things we have been missing during covid.  Great restaurants, the energy of other people and a relaxed happy atmosphere outside of the home.

I got into a ‘flow’ with a presentation I’ve been struggling to put together at work.  I’m meeting with Kathrin our CPO tomorrow morning to present her some ideas on purpose/execution.  I’d planned to simply walk her through my outline of notes, but late in the week got inspired by Sue Taylor to put it into slides.  I typically am slow with that process and had been procrastinating, because I knew it would be a lot of work to translate the ideas.  She told me about her own experience with her boss and how much having her ideas in slide form helped to convey the concepts and have them be well received.  I started down the path on Friday afternoon and wound up getting really far in only about 90 minutes.  I continued to work on it over the weekend and will be presenting tomorrow with a solid looking deck.  Thankful for the motivation and results, regardless of how the presentation goes.

4/8/21:  Terrible eating yesterday :/. Since Easter, I’ve been skidding a little bit each day.  Yesterday was on the pendulum of savory/sweet.  Crackers, cheese, ice cream and generally not giving a shit.  I’m thankful it’s over and today is a fresh chance, again.  On the positive side, I drank a lot of water yesterday for the first time in a while, so there’s something.

Started chatting with the kids about the idea of going someplace while Lisa is in AZ with her mom.  We kinda landed on Vegas.  It’s warm, has pool options and plenty of buzz to offer for Q.  I started digging into it a bit last night and feels like about $3k all in for a 3-night trip.  We can certainly swing it, but I do get anxious about spending that amount of money for some reason.  I’ll probably talk with them a bit more tonight about it and if it feels good, go ahead and book something.  Grateful to have the option to do things like this, regardless of outcome.  Just having the opportunity is a gift itself.

Getting a bit of progress on the Rawkstars 9/11 gig idea too.  I want to have a bunch of intimate parent/kid performances.  I already talked to Dave/Noah and Chuck/Anthony/Mike.  I’m also thinking that me, Lisa, Bella and Q could do something and Homer Stevens also confirmed a set, not with Wayne but he’s still amazing!  Thinking about Barry and his daughter as well as Mike Fradkin and his sons.  That would give a cool backdrop to whatever else we can arrange band-wise.  We’ll of course include some Rawkstars students and the idea is to have as many folks share the stage as possible.  Other ideas I’m toying with are a possible Wicked Blue mini-reunion, Shine Mk. 3 to do an electric blues set and Toys To Men, to attract some Hasbro love.  There’s also Moonstruck and Kevin/Mike’s new band with Munro.  Plenty of options, just need to be thoughtful to put together the best representation possible and build some energy around the event.

4/7/21:  Sat outside yesterday during lunch for about 30 minutes.  Simply felt the sun on my face and slowed down.  It was nice to take a few minutes to myself during the day.  Work has been super busy and though I take short breaks throughout the day, I haven’t had near as much time outdoors as I’d like.  I also bought a water vessel and am making an attempt to increase my hydration.  Like most things, I go up/down and lately I’ve been feeling dehydrated and definitely not drinking enough water.  It seems silly even typing it, but I’m thinking if I have a plan to drink 2 of these per day, it will help me keep better track and make my intake more habitual.  Oh, the mind and how it works ;). Thankful for simple pleasures like sitting in the sun and having access to clean water with ease.

4/6/21:  Back on the solid eating plan yesterday after the Sunday meltdown.  Grateful to be able to arrest the variance quickly.  Still in need of movement increase, but also trying to be patient with myself and achieve some stable middle ground.

Enjoying having Bella back.  Dinners have been nice and the increased traffic in the house is kinda welcome.  She’s got a couple more weeks of school and then will be on full time Subway duty I’m certain.  Being all together is a blessing that I know won’t last forever and I’m thankful for the chance to have a full house again, especially heading into the spring/summer season and with the virus restrictions fading by the day.

Speaking of which, I bought tickets to see Julie Rhodes at The Porch in a few weeks.  I’d been wanting to see her for the last couple years.  Also had plans to go to The Porch last year before covid, but my gig got cancelled.  Supposed to be a cool spot to eat and see music.  I know the national gigs will take more time, since the bands need to ramp up with confidence they can book tours, but the local stuff is a good start.  Grateful for the slow return of live music!!

4/5/21:  Easter Sunday = lunch at The Bento’s = overdid it.  Had good intentions going in, but lost my focus after a few hours.  Had a satisfying lunch but later found myself eating ice cream, after the kids went to Crescent Ridge and brought some back.  It snowballed, as is generally the case and then I continued overeating after we got home.  Despite being totally full, I squeezed in a bowl of soup, some sweet bread and later in the evening, some fistfuls of salty trail mix.  Disappointed with myself but trying to wipe the slate today and start over.  Grateful for the chance to regain a mindful approach and fulfill the intention of what I want today to be.

On the plus side, always enjoy connecting with Rob and the others.  His friend Jim came again and it’s been nice having him around.  Good dude and definitely loves to eat.  The kids have been bonding a bit more too and Logan drove them all to the ice cream place and they all joined in on some of our adult conversations.

I also picked up my bass, ever so briefly, before leaving.  I played through a couple tunes and it felt good to at least remind myself I can still play the fucking thing.  I’ve got to get re-started and build up my finger strength again, so I can put together a proper project for the summer and eventual show on 9/11 for Rawkstars.  Grateful to get started, even just a bit.

4/4/21:  Met Bella’s new BF yesterday.  Cam came over in the afternoon and he lives someplace out near Assumption.  Seemed like a nice quiet kid.  Didn’t talk too much but gave off an innocent, humble vibe.  When he got here I was out in the backyard sitting by the fire.  I had the baseball game on the radio and watched the birds.  It was crisp out but I felt great in a sweatshirt and sitting in the sun, with a small fire.  Simple pleasures and awesome to have baseball back this spring!  The kids hung out for a bit then went for ice cream and brought Q along :). Grateful that Bella has always been able to find nice guys to connect with.

Went to a 50th bday party for Tom’s GF Adena last night at the Raynham VFW.  They have a pretty cool outside area for bands and a huge firepit.  I had a non-alcoholic beer and didn’t overdo any food.  There was a cover band playing who were decent and Lisa got up and sang a few songs, which got all the girls going.  I’m glad she is a relaxed type of singer and not too uptight to get up and jam whenever asked.  It’s also nice to see her get accolades from the people at the party.  It’s been a while since her band has played and I know she really misses it.  I didn’t know many people but connected with a few folks and had a fun time.  Grateful to be around people and hear some music.

 

4/3/21:  Bought a new TV yesterday.  Borrowed Mike’s truck and took Q to walmart, where I wound up grabbing a 70′ tv.  Hadn’t intended to get something quite that big, and it’s not my usual approach.  It was discounted like $200 and I guess I couldn’t resist.  Anyways, it wound up being a touch too big for our stand, so now we are looking at hanging it, or getting a new stand.  Been a bit of a spending spree lately, but it feels kinda nice to be honest.  We are usually pretty conservative with spending most times, and updating some stuff around the house has been a positive change.  Thankful for the ability to embrace the feeling. and to make our home a bit nicer.

Chatted for about an hour with Richie yesterday.  We don’t talk nearly as much as we used to but he will always feel like one of my closest friends.  We always seem to be on a similar page and have plenty of respect for one another and common ground.  He sounded like he was doing well, despite the lessening of work through the pandemic.  He took over the dad role for much of the last year and I’m sure was in it up to his neck, as he always jumps into everything.  It felt good to connect with him and have some laughs and I smiled often throughout the conversation.  Grateful that he has been part of my life for the better part of 30+ years and that we can always pickup where we left off, no matter how long we go without connecting.

4/2/21:  Round 2 of our Louder with Crouder debate series last night, topic Abortion.  Me, Lisa and Q watched another of those videos and then had our own internal debate.  I think we all described being pro-choice, but in different ways.  It’s been an interesting exercise and I welcome it.  I think it helps us have open conversations on deep topics and helps us be better communicators with each other and listeners.  Q and I tend to get a bit more heated and he called me out last night, which was a good learning for me.  I’m thankful to have such a thoughtful, intelligent and articulate son who cares about the world and can express himself clearly.

Continuing on the mindful eating path and had another small minus on the scale.  I’ve dropped about 6 lbs. in the last 3+ weeks and am feeling good overall.  I’m still not exercising much so there is a lot of room for improvement.  That said, I’m appreciating each meal and considering the reasons why I’m trying to eat better and it’s a nice change.  Weather has been up/down and work has kept me from getting outside during the day as much as I’d like to.  Hoping I can focus in on movement and that the warmth continues to creep into our daily lives more reliably.  Grateful to be on a path of well being and self care towards the person I want to be and the values I want to live.

3/31/21:  Yesterday was the second round of the Game Changers program.  Everything went really well and Operation Smile Colombia took home the first place grant.  The first session was a bit clumsier than I would have liked but as expected was much lighter on attendance.  I almost looked at it as a paid rehearsal, which really informed the second iteration.  We made some changes last minute which I think really made it better.  No tech difficulties and we had lots of nice comments about the event before, during and after.  Really grateful to have been given the chance to produce this event and to work with Sarah so closely.  She’s a terrific partner and definitely made a huge impact on the event.  I’m looking ahead to adding some new tasks to my plate, and giving a little more focus to BYCTW and Hello Hasbro, both of which need a bit of TLC from me in the next few weeks.

Had our new sink installed last night.  Larry’s brother in law Nicky did the plumbing and he needs to come back to fix something with the hot water pressure.  Besides that it looks great and I’m so happy we decided to upgrade.  Thankful we have the finances to make home improvements and look forward to some more small upgrades.

Bella came back from Assumption last night for Easter break, and will be finishing the last few weeks of the semester from home.  So she will be home for the entire summer, which is a good long stretch.  We went out for a family dinner which was really nice and having her back will be great for all of us.  She immediately went back to Subway this morning and I know she will be working hard to stash money for next year.  With what we already have set aside and what she can generate over the summer, I fully expect her to have close to enough to pay for her junior year.  Thinking back to before she started, if you told me she would only need loans for one year of school, I would have been really psyched for her (and us!).  It’s yet another thing to be thankful for as I really want her to come out of school ready to hit the career path without being saddled with student loan debt.  That will give her maximum flexibility and get her off to a solid start on the next chapter of her journey.  Grateful.

3/30/21:  Tonight is the first session for the Game Changers initiative at Hasbro.  We’re going to host an evening session to accommodate folks in EU and expand the time zones able to attend and vote.  We had the tech rehearsal yesterday and everything feels pretty buttoned up.  Excited for the live events and to crown a winner.  Grateful for this opportunity and for the chance to have others see what our team is able to achieve and execute.  Working with everyone has been terrific but most especially Sarah.  I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before that we have great working chemistry and I think we are a powerful combination.

Had virtual coffee with Kathrin yesterday as well.  She is really open and honest and I appreciate having someone in our corner who is available and a good listener.  We had a nice chat and I’m looking forward to a couple follow ups to share some ideas I hope will resonate.  Feels good to have some face time with the bosses boss and get to better understand the vision for where our department is potentially headed first hand.

3/28/21:  Continued the home improvement bits yesterday.  In the morning, I messaged a roofing contractor to come out and check on our attic moisture.  Surprisingly, he buzzed me back almost immediately and said he would come right out.  Totally unexpected but I was psyched.  The guy was great and a few hours later he had scoured the entire roof, patched a couple spots he found and re-applied the rings around our exhaust pipes.  Charged me $175 and was on his way.  I’m thankful to have found this guy and gotten such great service.  Lisa was happy since she has brought this up to me a few times and I was able to get it resolved.

We also wound up buying a new sink and faucet for the kitchen.  Again, Lisa had recommended it when I was talking about updates the other day and I agreed it would be a good idea.  I found a couple options online and after we checked them out we agreed and I bought and picked one up.  I buzzed Larry about his brother-in-law, who is apprenticing as a plumber.  Figure this is an easy job for someone like that and we can hopefully have it installed this week.  I’d love to do the backsplash too, so we’ll see if Lisa agrees to that.  All around, I continue to be grateful that we have such a nice home and are able to maintain and even improve it along the way.  Oh yeah, and it’s paid for 🙂

3/27/21:  Last night, Lisa, Q and I had a deep conversation about gender.  Quincy put on this youtube show with this guy named Crowder who goes around to college campuses purposely inviting people to ‘change his mind’, using controversial topics like racism, gun control, etc.  It was pretty interesting and a good concept for this kind of show.  Anyways, it led us to have a long conversation instead of putting on the TV and it felt nice.  We all had thoughts about this complicated topic and it’s cool to hear Q articulate his thoughts.  He’s such a smart, articulate and compelling conversationist.  It was also nice to just feel connected through real conversation instead of the typical ‘how was your day’ type stuff.  Grateful to be able to have this kind of conversation and I’m hopeful this will become a pattern to express ourselves and continue to grow and learn from each other.

Lisa got her haircut yesterday from Dorothy.  When she came back, she seemed itchy to go out.  The girls were meeting at Emma’s for drinks and apps and she asked if I wanted to go.  I really didn’t.  Not because I don’t like those guys but because I’m trying to stay out of situations where I’m likely to overeat (especially crappy restaurant food) and drink.  We talked about other options but as usual, nobody had ideas and we wound up just making dinner at home.  I think she was a bit disappointed but it turned out to be a fun night, I think.  I also was able to refrain from drinking or overeating and I’m glad to have done so.  I really want to attempt to make changes in my life so everything is not so focused on eating/drinking.  It’s easier said than done, because I generally enjoy both, especially eating.  It’s also hard when everyone in your life feels the same way and there are limited options to be outside and active, at least for long stretches of the year.  I’m thankful for at least one choice that put my long term goals of taking care of myself better at the forefront.

3/26/21:  3rd consecutive weigh-in that resulted in a loss.  I’ve dropped 6lbs. over the last 2 weeks or so.  I’m feeling good about it as I am not starving myself or steering 100% clear of anything besides sweets.  I want to be in a place where I can enjoy myself, but do it mindfully, instead of from habit or other emotions.  I’ve been toying with the slow down technique and it’s definitely helping.  I spend my days in somewhat of a crazed state of jumping from task to task and topic to topic and meeting to meeting.  You get the idea.  It can be hard to ‘turn off’ that vibe when I separate myself from the workday.  I’ve been trying to notice when I’m doing that and take a minute to breathe and feel the feeling.  I think it’s a contributing factor to the speed of my eating for sure, but also to the feeling that sometimes takes over when I start to binge.

Making great progress against Game Changers at Hasbro this week and in a few days is the live event.  The feedback has been tremendously positive and I’m really looking forward to the event.  Yesterday we had the finalists selected and it was a very interesting process to watch unfold.  None of the nonprofits I was attracted to made the cut, and several that got picked were not really on my radar.  Shows the personal nature of what moves people in this space and how everyone has a totally unique perspective.  Regardless, all the presenters were awesome and I’m feeling like what we are doing here is super important.  It goes way beyond money for the winners and is giving a voice to internal leaders in Hasbro.  It’s connecting more people to our community and I expect it to pay dividends all around for years to come.  Grateful to be able to do this work and get paid handsomely for it.

3/25/21:  Continuing my days of mindful intake and making time for my meditation practice.  I’m feeling good overall and in a pretty balanced state.  I spoke with Ed about wrapping up some tax stuff and also had good news there.  I had been prepared emotionally to owe Uncle Same about $17k, after all the wheeling and dealing last year.  I’ve got that set aside and then some, so my only fear was having a bill larger than that come over.  Sounds like it will be a bit less than that and we’ll also have the option to amend Bella’s return so she can take advantage of the college tax credit, since we will make too much to qualify.  That would give a $2500 rebate to her, which could then be put into her fund for the fall semester.  We can also spread the distribution over 3 years, which would lower our overall tax rate for this filing season, saving us several thousand dollars.  We would probably go ahead and set aside the funds now into a CD or something to generate a couple hundred bucks and have access to the money in case of emergency.  In either case, it’s all good and I continue to be grateful for our financial well being.  I’m also thankful to have Ed helping out, as he always has.  It’s also been nice to connect with him so frequently, between his hospital stays and tax season, we are talking very regularly.  Grateful for old friends who are there for me.

3/24/21:  Had the semi-final round for my Game Changers program at work.  We started with 68 nonprofits who were nominated for an award.  Legal and other factors winnowed that down to 38.  Yesterday, we brought all 38 ambassadors together to pitch their nonprofit to a committee we put together of Hasbro / eOne / Wizards employees.  Everyone had 5 minutes to make their case to the committee in an effort to advance to the final round.  It was a great session and a ton of folks knocked it out of the park.  It was amazing to spend 1/2 my work day simply listening to employees talk about their passion for one nonprofit or another.  Sarah and I ran the session as we have partnered on the entire program.  She is an awesome person to work with and we have complimentary skill sets.  Despite the breadth and volume of participants, we kept things moving and right on time.  We answered a ton of questions and were prepared for everything that came over the wall and adjusted on the fly where necessary.  I’m excited to be part of such an impactful program that employees have embraced with such energy.  It’s going to be a tough decision for the committee to narrow the list down and next week will be the live voting, final round.  Having some of my work focused around live events is a great fit for me.  I thrive in that scenario as I have most of my adult life.  Thankful for connecting with work like this and people like this.

3/23/21:  Wow.  Yesterday, I got a text from John V. at GBKF, the foundation that supported Rawkstars a few years back with a $15k grant, by way of Dave Yuknat.  I had connected with Dave and John a few weeks ago and walked them through a deck that Michelle C. at monkeymarketing mostly put together.  At the end I asked them for another $20,300 to engage with MM and continue to keep Jamie on staff for another year.  When I called John back, he gave me the news that not only was our grant approved, but they were increasing it to $25k to give us more to work with!  He told me they had great confidence in me and in what I presented.  It felt pretty amazing and easily represents the largest gift Rawkstars has ever received.  Thinking about some folks I barely know having the trust in what we do and in me personally was pretty staggering, I must say.  We’ll be receiving the funds June 30th, but can already start to accelerate the programming since our bank account is in such good shape already.

About an hour later, I got another text from Keith Mao, one of the young men I met through the Guitars Behind Bars project last year.  In fact Keith was kind of the star.  He wrote and sang the track that is featured in our trailer and he was immensely musical, despite not having any formal training in his past.  I connected with the folks at MHOC a few weeks ago about coming back in to finish the interviews and was told Keith had been released.  They gave me his mom’s contact info and I texted her last week.  She passed on the message and Keith and I spoke for about 20 minutes.  He sounded awesome and totally remembered me.  He told me he beat the 10 year sentence he was facing and I could hear the joy in his voice.  He also told me how much music he’d been writing and that he had so much to say.  I don’t think he owns an instrument.  We made plans to connect in person when he returns from a family visit to Brazil, in a few weeks.  Jonas, Doga and I will travel up to meet him and do an interview, as well as shoot B-Roll and this should give us some amazing footage and content to finish off our mini-feature.  I’m also super excited to help Keith take another step forward.  Surely he’ll be helped by having a keyboard and other instruments with which to write.  I’d also love to work with him on lessons potentially or maybe some studio time to record something ‘proper’.  I can barely express how it feels to know the music program we spent so much time, energy and money on made a difference for at least one young man.  Grateful beyond words.

After all the great news yesterday I was amped up, to the point where I was almost shaking. I spontaneously decided to get out my new bike and take a spin.  I rode probably 5 miles or so, but pushed myself and worked up a nice little sweat.  It was a great feeling to be outside, even if it was a bit cool.  The bike performed well and although I need a few tweaks to the seat and some new grips, I’m glad I made the purchase.  Glad I made the decision to use exercise as a means to feel better.  I’m happy to take a tiny step towards kickstarting that habit again.

An awesome day to be thankful for.

3/21/21:  Little spending spree yesterday.  I bought a new bike!  And we also bought some new patio furniture to continue making our yard more attractive and functional.  I had attempted to buy a bike last season, as I spent a lot of time riding and felt I was invested enough to step up a bit.  At the time, covid was in full swing and there were literally no stores that had bikes in stock.  I bought one on a whim off Craigslist, but it wasn’t a good fit and I sold it like a month later.  There still seems to be a big shortage in supply and I was lucky enough to find one hybrid bike that fit me, and wasn’t too expensive.  I’m psyched to head into riding season with an upgrade!

Over the last few weeks, I’ve also been getting our yard setup for spring/summer and cleaning things up.  I got a wood delivery, put together a canopy and rearranged our furniture.  Yesterday we found a high top dining set and brought it home to try out the size.  I spent a few hours putting it all together and it’s a great set.  I’m thankful that our space is getting some TLC as we haven’t really done much to the house in the last several years, outside of the bathroom remodel.  With the house paid off and our cash situation as strong as ever, it felt kinda nice to splurge on a few things that will add to our lives for years to come.  Grateful to have the ability to do so every now and then.

Cathy Nolan stopped by in the afternoon and dropped off an old guitar.  She is super nice and helped Rawkstars out a few times by being part of our Falmouth Road Race crew.  We got to know her a bit as well as her daughter Colby, who wasn’t playing the instrument any longer.  It was nice to connect with an old friend and she told me that she is often inspired by my even keel and gracious approach to life.  I was very flattered and am thankful that something I did or said rubbed off in a positive way on someone I don’t know very well.  It made me feel nice and her words impacted me.

3/20/21:  Q’s 15th birthday yesterday and he dropped his newest mix-tape, called Anastasis.  It’s fucking amazing!  He didn’t let me hear any of it leading up, so it was really fresh to check out.  His game has come a long way in the last year since he released Revelation.  The lyrics are better, the samples are better, the beats and songs are better and the production overall is better.  He really knocked it out of the park and impressed me greatly.  I’d love to help him get some visibility, especially for his lyrics, which are special.  I’m also going to help him get some better gear including a proper mic.  So proud of the kid for not only the output but his dedication to the craft and hard work.  He takes it really seriously and pays tribute to the OG MC’s, with lyrics about positivity (mostly).  He is learning the history of the genre and really making an impact.  Hugely grateful to see him working his ass of at something he so genuinely loves, and becoming good at it!

I connected with Bella over text and her attitude had turned 100%.  The school policy having been relaxed, she got out with her girls and hit Starbucks, and drove around on a sunny day.  She said she was listening to Van Halen and that it always reminded her of driving on a sunny day with me when she was young.  So sweet, my heart about melted.  Thankful that she is feeling better and that her friends are feeling ‘normal’ and doing healthy college activities instead of wallowing.

Grabbed dinner with Lisa at Grange, a fave vegetarian spot of ours.  We had a few drinks beforehand, despite my plan to lay off booze for a while.  I only made it two weeks which is a bit disappointing but I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  We had a nice meal and I had another solid day of eating mindfully.  I’ve dropped about 4lbs. in the last 10 days or so, which isn’t enough to see a big difference but I do feel a little better and am grateful to be turning a corner.  I’m going today to potentially buy a new bike and looking to continue building some movement back into my daily life.  Grateful to have the resources to buy things I need/want, and also for not spending to excess, despite the fact that we have the ability to do so.

3/19/21:  A few days ago, I finally got to the dermatologist, with Lisa’s help, to have the lesion on my cheek scoped out.  Turns out it’s most likely Basal Carcinoma, a mild form of skin cancer.  They scraped a sample to biopsy for sure, but I’ll probably have to return in a few weeks for a procedure to remove it more fully.  The occurrence is common and I’m glad I finally got my ass to have it checked out.

I’ve been having a nice string of days eating mindfully and have had a couple scale check-ins that resulted in minuses.  I’m feeling a bit better and taking it day by day.  I’m trying to remind myself why I’m doing it, and not just thinking of appearance or my clothes being too tight.  I’m making more of a focus on my health and what values I want to live with.  I don’t want to be the kind of person who gorges on food for no reason and I want to live with some measure of discipine and treat my body the way it deserves instead of punishing it in the name of ‘fun’, celebration, anxiety or any of the other triggers that cause me to go off the rails.  My daily habit routine is also solid and I’m meditating most mornings and even an occasional afternoon session.  I’ve realized that there are things that need to be done at a different speed than what I’m doing during some workdays.  I often jump from activity to activity, topic to topic, person to person and meeting to meeting.  It’s a bit of a necessity in some ways at work, but outside, it’s not helpful.  I want to ensure I don’t have that mindset, especially when I’m trying to sit down and eat, to enjoy nourishing food.

Bella’s school opened up their policy about keeping kids on campus!  Not sure if my chat with the woman had anything to do with it, but I’m thankful either way.  I’m hoping it will help her and the other kids relax a bit and feel less trapped.  She also will be coming home for Easter weekend and perhaps the remainder of the semester.  Even if she returns, it’s only about 3 more weeks beyond the holiday so she will be rejoining us towards the end of April, at latest.  I’m hopeful her grades are at least decent and that she feel better about her choices going forward.  She will be halfway through her college career and I’m grateful she’s made it through what is hopefully the worst of it.

We got another round of stimulus money from the pandemic.  On top of my recent bonus and the money we had previously been saving, our bank account is as fat as I can ever remember.  We also have a great cash flow in place since paying off the mortgage and all the other savings measures we put in place.  Still waiting on our tax bill for this year, as Ed has been out of commission and things are fluid with the IRS, due to covid, etc.  I’m sure it’s going to be hefty, and am preparing mentally for something in the $17/$18k range.  Even if that is what we owe, we’ll still be left in a great position going forward, with little debt, solid income and even some savings remaining.  Grateful.

3/15/21:  I connected with the woman who runs the Assumption FB group.  I had been commenting on there a few days prior to talk about the quarantine, and how many kids are struggling emotionally with it.  IMO, the school is very controlling in its communication methods and has done a poor job of showing kids empathy.  This isn’t the first case and I am not a big fan of how they operate.  It was nice of this woman to reach out and give me her contact info.  She was very nice and listened to everything I had to say, and vice-versa.  I don’t know if anything will come of the encounter or changes will ensure for the kids, but it felt good to get things off my chest with a real human interaction.  I want to be as supportive of Bella as possible and potentially be a catalyst for change in policy, for her and the other kids who are suffering.

I had a call with Amanda and Kiernan, a mom/son who applied for Rawkstars.  They were awesome.  Kiernan was such an outgoing kid and he had a few different guitars in and out during our zoom call.  He noticed one of my basses in the background and knew exactly what it was.  He had a big personality and I really enjoyed connecting with him.  His mom also seemed proactive and a good communicator.  She apparently works in the mental health field and her son has an IEP at school, which currently services him with music therapy, among other support I’d imagine.  I’m very grateful to get a new student on the Rawkstars program and bring some new energy.  I also am looking to use his story to try and on-board some new Fan Club members.  I’m planning some personal outreach to see if I can rally some folks who haven’t joined as of yet.

Made it through the weekend feeling good about my eating.  I moved each day a bit and spent lots of time outside in the yard.  I got our furniture setup, replaced some of the old pillows, ordered and stacked a bunch of wood for the firepit and generally cleaned up the area.  Even though it’s back to being pretty cold this week, it feels nice to see the space take shape and a harbinger of spring is in the air.  Thankful we are turning a corner here in New England with daylight savings and some improved weather.  Even if the transition will be slow, it’s happening.

3/14/21:  Continuing with a few solid days of mindful eating.  I had a call on Friday with Lori DeRosa at work.  She’s a friend and we somehow got on the subject of food, etc. and after telling me she was a dietician, we agreed to talk.  It was good to have someone simply to unburden to and be open about my struggles.  She’s a good listener and gave me some good thoughts to carry forward.  Grateful to have cool, smart people in my life who are there to help.

Bonus money came in a few days back and our account is seriously flush.  I know we are going to get killed on taxes so a big chunk will be gone in a few weeks, but it still feels kinda good.  We should still have some funds left and I’m again thankful to be in a strong financial position, even if I’m a bit miffed at having to give Uncle Sam so much of the dough I’ve earned.

Bella is struggling a bit at Assumption.  I know she hates being cooped up there and they have a policy of not letting the kids leave campus.  It’s highly unfair, IMO, since they have a ton of students, teachers, staff, vendors, etc. all coming and going each day without issue.  Her roommates are also struggling and the kids are trying to make the school listen, which they have proven a few times isn’t their forte.  I started messaging people on the FB group in support of the kids and I’m hopeful there will be some forum and potentially some relief.  I’m not a fan of the school but also want to be mindful of Bella and have her best interests in mind.  I know she simply wants a fun, carefree college experience and it just hasn’t happened.  I’m thankful that she is at least kind of talking to us about it instead of suffering in silence.  I’m also thankful that she is involved with the other kids trying to make a ruckus.  It’s important that she flex her independence and not simply sit back when she things strongly about something.  Proud of her.

Ed is scheduled to have heart surgery tomorrow and I’m hopeful that he will recover and be back to his old self.  He’s had a lot of health problems the last decade or so.  He’s a great guy and as described in this blog, helped me tremendously, last fall when I was really suffering.  I want to be there for him and return the favor and have been trying to keep in touch and keep his spirits high.  Thankful to have folks I care about and ones that I can help through simply being friends.  I also had Louie visit him in the hospital as he was on Lou’s floor for several days.  It was nice of him to stop by and comfort Ed, with his mere presence.

3/12/21:  Had a mindful eating day yesterday and it felt good.  Nirav stopped over with Jody, to grab a bass I had in the closet.  Always good to get an unused instrument into the hands of someone interested in using it.  I’ve also got leads for 2 new Rawkstars students and am super grateful for that.  We need an infusion of energy into the program and it will give me some nice runway to reach out to some as of yet unconverted Fan Club prospects.  Met with Jamie and outlined a plan for her to manage and structure student intake and tracking going forward.  That has been an achilles heel for Rawkstars since day one and if she can unlock that key it will be one of the greatest steps forward the organization could make.  Grateful for her inclusion and work on behalf of the charity and all our future kids.

3/9/21:  Connected via Zoom last night with Prof, Marc Freedman, Glen Rice and Mike Luke.  I had reached out to everyone last week to see about getting together to support Paul, who is going through a divorce situation.  He’s a bit introverted and I thought it might be cool to show him how many of us are there for him.  It was selfishly also fun, since I don’t get to see/talk to those guys often.  Generally, it’s at a gig, which is never the best time to connect with people for real since one or more or us are involved.  Usually me :). Anyways, it was great to connect with those guys and catch up.  Mike is still hilarious and I think I walked away having really learned something about everyone on the call.  Grateful for the cool people I’ve crossed paths with.

I also had a call with the woman from ‘Not Another Diet’.  Rebecca is a writer that I came across last year in a Medium series that she wrote.  Her words resonated with me bit time.  Not only her writing style, but the content about weight, healthy movement and permanent sustainable weight loss.  Since I’ve been struggling so hard the last several months I came across her writing again and decided to reach out.  Her program is 9 weeks and the first step was a personal interview.  I found her awesome to talk with, smart and it made me want to jump in.  That said the cost is $3k.  In terms of life, if I could spend that amount and come out the other side where I want to be, it would easily be the biggest bargain of my entire life.  I just don’t know if swinging that kind of money is the right thing for me.  I want to believe that I can overcome this and turn things around on my own, but the truth is I haven’t been able to.  It’s a big deal to ask Lisa to be ok with that kind of thing and it also puts a lot of pressure on me, which is scary.  I suppose that’s probably at least part of the point.  My commitment level hasn’t been where it needs to be and I’m trying to leave the door open for all the things. I want to continue to do, including parties, vacations, work, Rawkstars, etc. and let my weight problem linger.  Unsure about what to do, but thankful to have met Rebecca regardless.  Stay tuned…

3/8/21:  Beginning stages of considering a Rawkstars event for this summer/fall.  I connected with The Narrows and have an opportunity to put something together there.  I also am kicking the tires on the PACC outdoor space as well as The District here in Taunton.  Narrows is the most turnkey and I know what to expect there.  PACC would have the most variables but I like the idea of having it in a new space and potentially outdoors, to be more covid friendly perhaps.  Not sure where it will go but it’s kinda nice to have a bit of energy for something new.

I bought and assembled a gazebo for the deck.  I got it together ok, but it’s a bit too small for the space :/. I looked around a ton for one I thought would fit better but just could not find anything.  Most likely will have to move it down to the patio, but I’m trying to be thankful for the ‘progress’ I made?!?!

Stuttering again on food/movement and didn’t get out all weekend to exercise.  Also ate poorly last night.  Grateful to still be alive and able to continue to fight to make changes, even though they aren’t readily happening for me.

3/7/21:  Made a nice roast chicken with carrots and potatoes for family dinner last night.  I’ve gotten pretty good at this recipe and it came out awesome.  I was thinking about how simply and cheap it is to feed everyone something nourishing and filling.  The chicken cost maybe $8.50 and a few carrots and potatoes can’t be more than $2.  The 3 of us were totally full and we still have leftovers for today.  Most folks think that buying and preparing fresh foods is expensive, which it can be, but there are also plenty of budget options.  I’m grateful in either case to be able to spend time making something that my family enjoys and having such easy access to it.

Watched a cool movie last night called Nomadland.  Frances McDormand plays a woman who travels around living in a van, living off very little money.  She finds a community of like-minded folks doing the same and develops relationships in that group.  Made me think how much I haven’t seen in the country/world.  I’ve done more than my fair share of travel, but really haven’t spent the time or experience being in many of those places.  Would love to rent a modest RV and spend a few months rambling the country in search of nature, calm, new people and experiences outdoors.  Perhaps with the work at home scenario we are facing this will be possible?  Grateful that I have some flexibility in my professional life nowadays and hope that I can take more advantage by testing the waters of working elsewhere for short periods of time.

3/6/21:  Great/meh news as our bonuses were officially announced.  I was floored when I learned that we were going to get paid out 111% of our eligible bonus, which is simply incredible.  On top of that, my team specifically were all getting an additional $2,500 for having such a tremendous year.  The cash outlay is upwards of $24k, of which I’d expect to clear $15k after taxes.  That news was tempered by the fact that I still owe a big amount to the IRS for the 401k distribution I took last year.  Of course I knew that was out there, but something about the passage of time has a way of dulling the experience.  I had set aside about $16k in expected tax implications, but then decided to ‘save it’, by paying down our home equity line.  I could certainly take it back out, but now I’ll be getting a replenish from Hasbro.  It’s as if they are sweeping in to cover (most) of my tax bill.  It’s truly incredible, and the end result (once we actually file and pay) is that we’ll have used the 401k advance to fully pay our home mortgage, Lisa’s car and our home equity line off 100%.  Trying to remind myself of how truly great that situation is, but honestly thinking about getting such a windfall and sending all to Uncle Sam hurts a bit, even if I am grateful for our financial position :/

Went over Nirav’s house last night for a hang.  Met up with his new girlfriend who seemed really cool.  He also had another friend who met us and later in the night, Lisa stopped by with Lolita and Lynne, since they were out on the town in Providence coincidentally.  It was cool to mix with some new faces, although I wound up having a few drinks, even though I told myself I was going to be on the wagon for a while.  I didn’t overdo it at least.  I’ve been friends with Nirav since I started at Hasbro and he’s a cool guy to hang with.  Grateful to have some different friend groups and grateful I was able to mitigate my drinking/eating to nominal levels of excess.

3/5/21:  Continuing with the mindful week, my morning mediations have been amazing.  I am really digging the pattern of doing it first thing, before I even get water or coffee or anything, and am thankful to have given that another try.  We had a late team meeting yesterday in which Kathryn joined.  Unusual and I expected her to thank us for having such a strong 2020.  She did in fact do that, but also dropped a nice bombshell that we were all going to get additional bonus money!  She said that Dolph recommended it for us, which is simply another amazing bit of news.  So damn thankful for Hasbro.

I had a great meeting with Dave and John from GBKF yesterday also.  I walked them through the deck that Michelle from MMGT had created, after making some modifications on my own.  I left with a strong feeling they may continue to support us.  I outlined the plan to continue working with Jamie and in bringing MMGT on for 25 hours per month for a yearlong engagement.  Total cost of about $21,000.  Regardless, it felt good to walk through those details with someone and it gave me confidence I could do that again with others.  Of course I’m hopeful they will come back with another grant for us, but even if they don’t it was a good experience and I’m super thankful for everything they have already done for us.

3/4/21:  Good patterns continuing the last few days.  Starting the day with the meditation, before I even go upstairs, has been feeling nice.  I had an outdoor walk yesterday by myself.  It wasn’t super cold and I figured it was preferable vs. walking inside the gym.  I took a leap and signed up for an intro call with this woman Rebecca Thomas, who I’ve been reading sporadically for the last year or so.  She has a program called ‘Not Another Diet’ that I really dig and figured I’d see it it feels like a fit.  I do feel like I could use some coaching/learning/accountability and a plan I can ‘live’ with.  I’m grateful to be able to have enough motivation to continue to seek answers and self-improvement, even when I’m struggling.

Had a call with Jack VL yesterday and it was nice to catch up with him.  I also took point and texted Glen Rice, Mike Luke and Marc Freedman, to organize a zoom call.  They are all close with Prof, who is going through some relationship changes.  I spoke with him last week and I figured he could use some laughs with old friends.  In all honesty, I think it will be excellent for all of us, since we don’t see or connect with each other that often.  I’m thankful to have folks in my life I feel comfortable reaching out to and plenty who have open hearts and willing to be there for one another.

Work continues to be challenging, busy and enjoyable.  We are on the verge of getting annual bonuses so the ‘vibe’ in the air has been positive, more than usual.  Super fortunate to have such a great working setup, and feeling happy with how I’m spending my time and being financially rewarded for it.  Truly special.

3/3/21:  Had a strong, mindful day yesterday.  Started out with my 20 minute meditation, which I had been neglecting for a while.  I decided to return to doing it in the morning, first thing, which used to be my pattern.  I think it gives more grounding to my day and allows me to start in a good place, if nothing else.  Had a reasonable amount of food throughout the day and paid attention to the fact that I really wasn’t hungry.  I generally eat regardless of hunger and I want to remind myself that the goal isn’t to consume as much as possible, even while being mindful.

I also got to the gym for some cycling.  It was nice to get my heart going and feel my body work.  I had been thinking about getting my ‘real bike’ out but yesterday was brutally cold and windy.  I’m planning to see if I can do that the next day when it is reasonably mild.  I want to try and do my moving outside when possible, to get the extra benefits of sun and fresh air.

Work continues to be a source of awesomeness and positive energy.  I’ve got lots of projects in the pipeline and enjoying all of them.  I continue to connect with great people and meet new folks all around the company. Yesterday I was added to a group of ‘internal influencers’ where I met 3 brand new folks.  I also have been participating in the ‘Purpose’ committee to put together the kickoff to draft a new purpose statement for the company.  I’m interacting with new folks there and understanding more about the company overall.

3/2/21:  Sousa’s funeral was yesterday.  Wake for immediate family followed by church and then the graveyard.  Lastly, we wound up for lunch.  All in all it was pretty social for a funeral.  She had such a long life and was not in great shape the last couple years, so it wasn’t particularly sad, for me at least, and I felt that from others.  I’m super grateful to be part of such an amazing family.  I genuinly love all those folks and feel love reciprocated towards me.  I got to catch up with many of the older crowd that I don’t see as often.  I’m also thankful for my in-laws.  It’s been a rough stretch for them and I’m hoping this transition will ease their suffering, especially Olga.  She has been taking care of others her entire life and finally seems to be at the end of that cycle.  I’m wishing that she will use the downtime to take care of herself and Joe and enjoy life a bit more outside the home.  They deserve it so much.

2/24/21:  As evidenced, this is my first post in a week.  Not sure what the root cause of my malaise is.  I’m doing great at the office and things are good between Lisa and I.  The kids are good and our family finances are in as good a shape as I can recall.  My personal health is not great.  I’ve been overeating since October and am at my highest weight in several years.  I’m also not being mindful, as shown by my lack of writing, meditating and general physical activity.  I’m blaming some of it on winter doldrums, which is a real thing for me, but there’s something more.  I’m grateful to be alive today for another chance to figure it out and turn things around.

Sousa passed away last night.  It’s been a long time coming and she hasn’t been well for quite some time.  I know it’s going to be tough on Mrs. Bento more than anyone.  She is so tightly associated with her mother and I worry that she is going to beat herself up about it in death as she did while she was alive.  She is such a great lady and deserves some peace and time to care for herself, after so many years of caring for her mother.  I’m hopeful that comes in time.  I know the kids made fun of Sousa and she was a tough lady, especially with Mrs. B.  That said, I remember all the conversations we had where I tried to speak Portuguese to her.  She really liked that and I will always crack a smile thinking about the little ways I would make her laugh.  Also thankful to still have my own Nana, who is 99, but still very healthy and ‘with it’.

2/17/21:  Continuing with the pattern of hitting the gym late afternoons and eating well.  I am feeling a bit better and made it through a full week of mindful eating/movement.  Nice to notice even a tiny change in the way I feel and look.  Grateful to have a bit of momentum after a rough few months on the health front.

Lisa has been making some really nice, creative and healthy dinners lately.  She always cooks and 9 times out of ten it’s something pretty awesome.  That said I can tell she is motivated more lately to come up with special dinners for us.  I’m thankful to have a wife who is such a good cook and cares so much about what we eat.  I’m also thankful to be able to enjoy something healthy and delicious with my wife and son each night.

Work has been pretty inspired lately too.  Continuing to connect with new people across the company.  Lately, I’ve been learning a lot and meeting HR folks as I move to pickup the Hello Hasbro torch.  I feel excited about the progress and the future prospects of building this out to a larger audience with improved materials and programming.  I’m grateful to have been given this responsibility and opportunity to improve a small piece of the Hasbro pie.  Also getting closer to the official launch of Hasbro Game Changers, the new philanthropic initiative I’m leading with Sarah.  The internal announcement comes next week and I’m feeling pretty close to buttoned up.  I enjoy teaming up with Sarah very much.  We have similar work styles but also compliment each other.  She’s a super hard worker and extremely smart and driven.  Thankful to have a teammate that pushes me and makes work more enjoyable and productive for the business.

2/14/21:  Lisa and I did an overnight down in Providence on Friday.  I saw a note that Emily Bawn from Hasbro was playing a few sets with her acoustic duo at some little pub.  I definitely wanted to go, given the dearth of live music in my life the last year.  Instead of rushing down, watching my drinking and heading home I decided to grab a room at the Marriott.  It was nice and gave us a chance to unwind a bit.  Nothing fancy, we stopped at a couple different bars, had some tequilas and then sat and watched Emily and her guitar player.  They were really good and we had a fun night.  Grateful for the ability to make special nights whenever we want and to be able to afford small luxuries.  Also grateful to have seen Emily perform finally.  They were excellent and I’m guessing that we will do some kind of music project together down the road.

I’ve continued a solid week of mindful eating and movement.  I made it to the gym all 5 weekdays and didn’t overeat or consume anything awful.  It’s hard feeling like I’ve veered so far off the path that it’s going to take quite some time to return to the place I was previously, hovering around 235.  That said, I’m at least starting and trying to be in the present, one day at a time.  I know that’s the path to resolution and at least for this week I’ve been able to breathe through the temptation to give up.  Thankful.

2/11/21:  Mary Wilson passed away.  Made me sad as I have such reverence for The Supremes.  Not sure why, but it hit me more than most of the other artist passings, probably because of the music.  When a rock icon or tough guy metalhead passes it seems like the nature of things.  Perhaps the fact that she was a woman?   She’s also someone who performed with such grace and outside the spotlight on songs that touch my heart.  In any case, I’m super thankful for her music and the fact that it touched my soul so deeply.  I’m also thankful that I got to see Diana Ross (2x) Aretha, Temptations, Four Tops and other Motown acts before they are all gone.  Some of the most important music in my life right there.

Work has been ramping up lately, in a good way.  I’m taking over a program called Hello Hasbro that is fairly visible and has a good foundational grounding.  I’m also continuing to put together ‘Hasbro Game Changers” with Sarah, which has been fun.  She’s a great collaborator and super smart/hard working.  The event will come to fruition at the end of March and has the potential to become a tent-pole event on the Hasbro/Philanthropy calendar.  Lastly, I’m connecting with more and more new folks around the company.  Most recently, I’m jumping in with our new sister team in CSR to work with some consultants on a report around risk in human rights, beyond the supply chain.  It’s a totally new area for me, but represents such importance in our ‘purpose’ driven mission and I’m hopeful to bring some new perspective to the project as well as learn a lot about Hasbro’s business outside the US.

Had a few positive Rawkstars calls this week as well.  Connected with Doga, which is always inspirational.  I love the video world and when we connect I tend to get a flow of ideas.  I also had a Zoom with Sarah Edrie, who I knew a hundred years ago at Digitas, round 1.  She is super smart and talented as well as creative.  We talked about charity work and music and I’m hopeful we can collaborate on something in either realm down the road.  On Friday I’m going to Zoom with Bob Sylvester and Steve Sera, guys I knew from my NESN/Fleet Center days.  Much of this came about after I updated my job title on LinkedIn.  I got a barrage of notes from people that I haven’t spoken to in ages, which was really nice.  I’m genuinely thankful to have developed so many amazing relationships in my career and in my life.  I enjoy people terrifically and it’s a great source of joy to reconnect with so many and catch up.  It’s a great perspective on the positivity and success that so many people I know are fortunate to enjoy.

2/8/21:  Pretty sure I’ve written this before, but yesterday was the Superbowl and guess what, Tom Brady won.  Technically, I suppose the TB Bucs won, but TB12 was the catalyst.  No matter that he is no long QB for New England, I rooted for him just as hard.  Really enjoyable to watch as he dismantled the heavily favored Chiefs.  It’s cartoonish to see what he’s personally done in sports and to cap it off, he really seems like he has his shit together.  He manages to achieve and push himself despite the level of success he’s already accomplished.  Really happy for the guy personally and grateful to have lived through this era in sports being so closely connected to watching what he’s done.

Lisa came home from her weekend in NH and it felt great to have her back.  It was nice to be alone with Q for a couple days but we both missed her.  I know she enjoyed the time away as well and I’m sure it gave her perspective on being home, as going away always does.  Grateful we are doing well as a couple, family and friends lately.

2/7/21:  Got to the gym for a walk yesterday.  I felt pretty good for the first part of the day, but then overdid it at dinner and afterward ate ice cream.  While I am not psyched about how my trajectory has been going, I’m holding on to the tiny fact that I got moving a bit.  I know it doesn’t seem like much but when you’re in a funk, even small victories are meaningful.  I also did some reading for the first time in a while.  Lanzetta gave me a book for my b-day about the Patriots dynasty and I started it last night.  Felt good to sit with a book, which is another area I’ve been procrastinating on.  Spent some time with the bass and trying to get back to learning Little Dreamer.  I got most of it down though I need to work on the speed and clarity of my playing.  Not sure what it’s going to take to snap me out of the rut I’m in physically but these types of baby steps are good.

2/5/21:  Lisa headed out for a weekend up in NH with the gym chicks.  I’m thankful she has an outlet to spend time with friends outside the house.  She’s been stuck here more than anyone for the last year and although she makes the most of it by exercising and walking most days, I know she needs more emotional connection.  Since Bella is at school it will be me and Q for the next couple days.  I don’t expect we’ll do anything super special, but it will be nice to connect with him perhaps a bit more personally in whatever form that takes.  Thankful for time with him and for everyone to have a bit of their own space from time to time.

2/4/21:  Dropped off our taxes yesterday with Ed.  Always enjoy our visits and catching up on money as well as personal stuff.  Grateful I have someone I trust with financial help that’s also a long time friend.  This is a big year for us tax-wise, having taken a large disbursement to pay off the mortgage, and other bills.  Not positive how it’s going to impact us but hopeful we get lucky and pay a reduced penalty as a result of covid exemptions.  In any case, thankful to be in a good position financially and to have someone like Ed helping out with the tax angle.

2/3/21:  It’s been tough lately as I’m not ‘feeling’ the gratitude.  Mostly it stems from my lack of physical exercise and poor eating that have plagued me all fall/winter.  Since late September, when I turned the corner with the job/depression, I’ve struggled with my weight and movement and body.  Still stuck in that same gear and seemingly unable to move the needle.  I know that isn’t really true but I’m feeling really stagnant.  Despite the fact that my calendar isn’t too heavy and I certainly have capacity in my day to take care of myself, I am doing the opposite.

I’m thankful for heat, power and the basic foundations of my daily life.  Without those, things would be much tougher and it’s so easy to take them for granted.

2/2/21:  Baked a loaf of crusty bread yesterday.  Thankful for the time, ability and interest in doing something like that.  I started making bread a couple years ago.  I’m no master, but I have a tried and true recipe that is super simple, takes only 5 ingredients and comes out super yummy.  Lisa made a vegetable stew, so we had some nice hot soup and homemade bread for dinner.  It’s been cold and snowy so the comfort of food like this is really nice.  Grateful to never have to worry about food.

1/31/21:  Dropped Bella off at Assumption yesterday.  She hasn’t been on campus for 10 months.  It was kind of eerie in that the school was fairly deserted.  I drove up behind her and we both had our cars loaded with stuff.  She has a great little apartment setup with 2 other girls.  Much better than the dorm room she had last year as a Freshman.  Building seemed nice, clean and safe.  I’m happy for her and know she needs to keep going on her path as opposed to being stuck at home for however many more months.  I’m also hopeful that being away from home will help her focus more on the actual school work and content.  She’s got Subway and lots of other distractions at home and I’m thinking that she’ll be able to concentrate more being up there.  I want her to finish the school and feel confident that she’s learned what she needs to get into the chemistry field and start figuring out her path.  It’s also good perspective for her to be away from the house and feel what it’s like to be on her own.  She also emptied most of her bank account and gave me a check for $8000 to put towards her next semester payment.  She’s a really good saver and with what we already had set aside, she should have close to enough to cover the entire 5th payment.  Only 3 more to figure out and she hasn’t yet had to borrow a dime.  Grateful.

1/28/21:  Connected with Jack VL yesterday for the first time in months.  Was good to catch up with him and connect about all the goings on of the last few months.  I also had a call with Jonas, which was also productive and friendly.  He offered his services for the RS Board and I need to figure out how to take him up on that and get something more formal in place.

Feeling pretty decent again today after the quarantine period officially ended.  Been 10 days since we’ve really been anyplace besides a few car rides and walks for fresh air.  Glad we all made it through without killing each other.  Lisa and I are in a friendlier place as well, which makes me really grateful.

Work is starting to clarify more each day.  After a couple weeks of ramp up for the group and me working on my job details with HR and others, things are starting to come together.  Looks like I’m going to be leading up this ’employee journey’ project this year as part of the Employee Experience side.  I’ll be officially taking on Hello Hasbro, which is an on-boarding program we run for new employees.  They want that program to be refreshed, and be just one pillar across a portfolio of programs intended to result in more connected employees.  There’s plenty of work there and it will be nice to lead something up and build it.  On the Philanthropy side, I’ve already taken point on a new project we are calling Game Changers, to allow employees to nominate smaller nonprofits that have meaning to them in furtherance of winning a grant for that organization.  It’s coming together nicely and has the chance to become a pillar event on the GPSI calendar for years to come.

Excited and thankful to have some meaty things to work on and keep me motivated at work through the rest of this winter.  Things that will touch employees personally as they start their own Hasbro journey and causes they are close to, for longer tenured teammates.

1/27/21:  Feeling solid again today, so I think I’m beyond the worst part of covid.  Tomorrow is officially 10 days of quarantine for us and everyone seems on good footing.  Bella is preparing to move on Friday as mentioned, after being cleared to return.  She cleaned her room and has most of her stuff packed already.  She’s definitely anxious to start the next chapter and I can’t say as I blame her.  Lisa will be taking her tomorrow to finish a list of errands and I think I’ll be dropping her off on Friday, so long as I still feel well.  We’re going to miss her but of course, time marches on, and I know it will be a good experience for her, and for us by extension.  Thankful she is going to return to some semblance of college life.

Snowed a bit last night and again this morning.  The nice, beautiful kind of snow.  Since we don’t need to commute, there’s no rush on shoveling out and at the moment, it’s simply falling slowly and peacefully.  The world quiets down a lot when it’s covered with a layer of powder and before the madness of plowing takes place, it’s so peaceful and beautiful.  While I’ll never be confused with a fan of the cold weather, times like this are pretty nice and I’m thankful to be able to experience it that way, even nowadays.

1/26/21:  Thinking I’ve turned the corner (again) on the covid.  I felt a backslide the last couple days but today woke up again and my body feels more normal.  Hoping it lasts this time and that I can back to a regular state of daily energy and increase my activity levels.  Grateful to be on the mend and for the prospect of feeling stronger.

Bella got good news about returning to Assumption on Friday.  We were worried she wouldn’t pass the covid test required to return to school.  After reaching out to them and getting a note from her doctor, she is going to be allowed to return on Friday as planned.  It’s going to be weird again not having her around but I know it’s for the best on her side.  She really has handled being home well enough but I know she is desperate to return to some kind of college experience and being on her own, even if it’s not what she started out with.  I’m glad for her to have another chance at college life and think her studies will benefit from being away with fewer distractions.

1/25/21:  Feeling better as we all recover, slowly, from covid.  The kids seem mostly fine, especially Quincy.  Lisa has limited symptoms, mainly the loss of taste and smell.  My symptoms have been persistent and have me feeling a bit more ‘sick’.  On Saturday, I felt really good, almost as if it were all in the rear view mirror, but yesterday I returned to mild chills and achy muscles.  Today I feel a bit of that also. I’m grateful to be on the mend and not have been devastated by covid, even if the frustration associated is high.

Bella is starting her first week of the college semester today, remotely.  She’s supposed to return to the campus on Friday, provided she can pass the covid test.  Fingers crossed for her as I know she really needs to get some time with her friends and be out of the house for a while.  She’s got a tough semester of classes ahead and my hope is she will be able to focus better being over there and without the distractions of being home and without having to take shifts at Subway.

Watched TB12 make his 10th superbowl yesterday and first with Tampa Bay.  Dude continues to be a marvel and I am rooting for him just as hard as I was when he was leading the Patriots to all those magical moments.  It’s fun to follow his career and see the hard work, focus and commitment front and center.  Thankful to have been around for his 20+ year run of unprecedented greatness.

1/22/21:  Things have mellowed at the house.  Nothing tipped and we didn’t really close the conversation but we both have been able to lower the drama and it feels good.  I’ve been feeling pretty crappy and both kids officially tested positive in the last 24 hours.  It’s been a rough week, but I’m thankful that everyone else seems to be feeling somewhat better.  It’s been a pendulum for me, where I start to feel improvement then backslide.  Still having body aches and my sense of taste/smell has dulled significantly.  I feel tired almost constantly.  In a way, being in it together helps and we don’t have to be as careful around the house as we were earlier in the week when we weren’t sure of the kids’ status.  Thankful we are hanging in there and really hoping for iterative improvement for myself and a return to a normal body temp at least.

1/21/21:  Last few days have been trying.  I’m still sick but improving.  This morning, I feel better than yesterday for sure and hopefully have turned the corner.  Kids went for testing yesterday but ETA on results is a few days, since they didn’t have the rapid version that we took.

Lisa and I have been fighting.  Started when she gave me a hard time about tossing the last remnants of a bag of popcorn I bought a few days back.  I was eating it absentmindedly on Tuesday night watching TV.  Typically, I overdid it and felt like shit the next morning.  When I saw the last bits of popcorn in the bag, I couldn’t get rid of it fast enough and dropped it in the trash.  Of course Lisa saw that the next morning and confronted me about it, asking why I didn’t offer it to her or ask before discarding it.  She feels like I don’t listen to her and that I don’t care about her feelings.  I can see in hindsight that she may feel that way, but if I’m being honest, it feels so petty to me.  Tossing it was simply an act of disgust for myself and my own lack of self-control.  It’s always been a trigger food for me, yet still I struggle to enjoy it mindfully.  All I could think of was to get that shit out of the house.  I mean, it was a 10/th of a bag of popcorn for crying out loud.  It’s more of a signal of my behavior for her, clearly.  We definitely have had poor communication and are generally not on the same page for the last while.  I don’t know exactly why that is, but of course it’s a combination of things.  Guessing the corona and Lisa’s personal situation have something to do with it.  I don’t think she’s ‘liked me’ for quite some time.  I’m far from perfect, as all of us are.  I of course occasionally say and do the wrong thing.  I am not always mindful of her feelings, just as she is not always aware or mindful of mine.  I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to make things better.  I know that love and compassion are the answer but am finding it hard to muster those feelings at the moment.  I feel hurt by the constant need to re-affirm that I’m not a complete asshole in her mind.

Since I’m supposed to be writing about gratitude, I’ll lean on the fact that I’m feeling better and hopefully recovering from the covid.

1/19/21:  Been sick the last day+.  Lisa said she was feeling crummy a couple days ago and then I started feeling it Sunday afternoon.  She told us that some of the gym chicks had been getting sick and feverish, so many that the gym is closed for a bit.  I’ve been up/down with chills, muscle aches, headache and clearing my throat incessantly.  I’m not hellaciously sick, but definitely showing the symptoms of covid.  Lisa and I have been trying to quarantine downstairs to stay away from the kids as best as possible.  We are both getting tested this afternoon.  Bella also reported feeling under the weather and I scheduled tests for her and Q tomorrow afternoon.  Fingers crossed that it moves through quickly and we can keep it under wraps so nobody else gets infected.  Suppose it’s just a matter of time for most people to get the virus and I’m trying to keep positive until I get the test results.  Thankful that we have access to health care, glad that we have all been pretty healthy despite feeling sick and thankful that we have each other to get through this scenario.

Lisa seems to be feeling pretty sensitive about it.  Probably because it seems like she may have brought it in the house through the gym.  She’s also been the most vulnerable these last several months as she doesn’t have work, music or anything else to occupy her time/mind.  Hoping we can get through this quickly and that she can return to some semblance of activity in the coming weeks, one way or another.

1/17/21:  My Epiphone Thunderbird got delivered yesterday.  Again, I’ll reiterate my thankfulness over being able to occasionally treat myself, even if it’s most likely excessive.  I don’t feel like that’s my typical M.O. but like everyone, it happens sometimes.  The bass is gorgeous but not as high end of an instrument as the Fender.  Still, I’m psyched with the direction I’m taking with the guitars and I’ve been continuing to jam along with the new songs and feeling good.  I’d like to start some more structured learning, with some youtube lessons or something.  I’m planning to look into that this week and give it a whirl.  I think with some focus I can really make progress on my playing.

Made it to the gym again yesterday.  Nothing heavy, but walking for 30+ minutes has been a good starting point.  Feels good to string together some days of mindful eating and low impact exercise.  Grateful for some energy to treat my body as it deserves.

1/16/21:  Spent about an hour playing songs last night.  Lisa was out with the girls and the kids were occupied.  My new bass came in a few days back and I’ve been enjoying exploring it.  I started officially trying to put Shine Mk. 3 together to do a metal set.  I asked Kevin and Jim and both are in.  I’ve got about 5 songs that I already mostly know and I have another few in my back pocket.  Ideally, I’d like to have a few rehearsals, then record and perform a short set ‘live’, either streamed from a venue or the house/studio/etc.  We’ll see how things unfold but I’m grateful to potentially have a plan and a path to working on that.

I’ve strung together a few days of mindful eating.  I made it to the gym yesterday for a walk and it felt good to move and be around other people.  Long way to go but it was a nice reminder that you can start to feel better in just a few days of improving your habits.  I’ve also been more mindful in general and able to breathe through situations during the day instead of reacting or blowing past my feelings.  Grateful for moments of clarity.

1/14/21:  I’m alive.  I’m relatively healthy.  I have plenty to eat and drink.  I live in a warm home.  I have a good job.  I have a family that loves each other.  Trying to stick to basics lately in an attempt to reset (yes, again).  It’s good to remind ourselves of these simple truths, especially when they become obscured by emotions and other feelings of being unsettled.  Thankful for the reminder.

1/12/21:  Weather has been wintery cold lately.  Grateful for heat and having a home that is warm(ish 🙂 — we’re afforded such luxuries that were only available to kings not that long ago.  We have so many things like this to take for granted, sometimes it’s helpful to simply recognize them.

We met with Kathrin yesterday as a team.  She is the newly minted Chief Purpose Officer at Hasbro and Global Philanthropy will be rolling up to her.  It’s a very exciting time for our area and she seems like a really down to earth person.  Really looking forward to the energy of a C-level executive directly overseeing my area and getting to know Kathrin and the extended team.  I feel like I’m joining at an opportune time when our programs are needed and also being supported financially by the company at large.  Having someone with the skills to elevate our team will be awesome and I look forward to being a contributor to the effort.  Grateful.

1/11/21:  Missing posts lately, due to a lack of mindfulness.  Trying to get back on track, but struggling mightily with food and lack of movement.  Over the weekend we met up with the Cannon’s for a couple drinks.  It was nice to connect with them and also nice to be out of the house for a change.

Yesterday, I dropped off an Epiphone Les Paul to Noah.  I’ve had it for about a year and it’s sat untouched.  I know Noah really doesn’t need another instrument, but I’m hoping to see the guitar used and loved by someone.  Having instruments sit unplayed is kind of sad.  Hopeful it brings him a bit of joy and that it gets some fingers laid on it.  I also think I found a home for the cello that Peter gave us a couple weeks back.  Bella’s friend Courtney needs one for college and it will be nice to pair her up with the instrument and see it come out of the closet.

I’ve been practicing a bit more than usual, which is one area I feel like I’m making some progress.  I also pulled the trigger on buying not one, but TWO basses.  I know it seems excessive and most likely is.  That said, I had been trolling the music sites for weeks looking for a new guitar.  I sold off 2 Rawkstars instruments and one of my own basses last week, so I felt it was a good time to make an addition.  As I started deciding what I wanted, there were two instruments I was going back and forth about.  I called musiciansfriend and got a 15% coupon to combine them into one purchase, so I decided WTF, and pulled the trigger.  They should arrive later this week and I’m grateful to be in a position to buy nice things I want, even if they are not necessary.  It definitely wasn’t the most mindful decision, and I spent money out of desire for sure.  Still, I’m thankful to be able to do that from time to time without impacting my quality of life and still keeping all my obligations afloat.  It’ll be a good investment if I’m able to sustain my motivation with practicing.  Improving as a musician is definitely a goal I have this year and am off to a decent start, by at least more frequent noodling.

1/7/21:  Slow couple of days.  As mentioned below, the transition back to work has been gradual.  I’ve been working to finalize my job description and discuss what areas I’ll cover with my new role.  Had a couple calls to this effect and next step is to submit the eval and description to HR formally.  I’m anticipating it will take a few weeks to go through all the steps, but feeling more confident about the outcome and less concerned that I’m going to be ‘taken back’, since I believe everyone is aware and on board at this point.

Sold some basses to Ralph Whittemore this week.  I posted pics of the 2 that Zeus donated and figured while I was at it I would try and sell my 75 Jazz replica.  Ralph took all 3 for $1k.  I wanted someone to feel like they got a really good deal, as opposed to haggling for the most money.  I think that was a super fair price and Ralph seemed happy with all the guitars.  I’ve put 1/2 into Rawkstars and will keep $500 from my ’75 to go towards a new purchase at some point.  I was immediately struck with ‘seller’s remorse’ about my ’75, but I know it’s a natural feeling and am glad I pulled the trigger to lessen my collection and benefit Rawkstars at the same time.  Also grateful for generous friends, both Ralph and Zeus, who together brought $500 to Rawkstars this week.

There were 2 late donations just before New Year, and along with the money from the sale, we are starting the year with nearly $23k in the bank.  Not too shabby considering where we were around March, when the OMG rift was happening along with the start of the pandemic.  Along with the solid bank balance, we are also pulling in an average of nearly $1600 monthly, which is almost enough to cover all our monthly bills, meaning some of our reserves can be safely used towards new projects, equipment or other activities to benefit the kids and Rawkstars overall.  Grateful for the opportunity to serve this music community in more ways and add new students in 2021.

1/4/21:  Back to work this morning.  Been a looong 2 weeks off.  Strange transition for me.  Prior to the vacation, I spent about 3 months going 90mph and then a few weeks going about 120mph.  Then, like dropping off a cliff, the holiday break came.  The first few days I continued to login to ‘work’ out of habit, even though I had nothing to do and very few people were online.  I didn’t spend all day, but felt uncomfortable enough in breaking the pattern so abruptly.  Then over the last 10 days or so, I slipped into much sloth.  I’ve continued to eat poorly for the most part, after 3-4 days of feeling better and moving.  We continued with lots of ‘nesting’ around the house and really did a nice job purging a lot of cruft from the house, especially downstairs.  I cleaned out the music room a lot and it’s much better organized now.  I’d still like to get rid of some instruments and turn them into $ for Rawkstars, but that will have to come slowly.  We also cleared a lot of junk out of the bedroom/bathroom/closet areas.  I purged a ton of the old tequila bottles and reorganized the bookshelves.  Lisa did a lot of cleaning and helped with purging some stuff to donate and toss as well.  Overall it looks and feels much better.  I’d like to spend a few bucks maybe replacing some lights, getting some plumbing done in the upstairs bathroom and maybe freshening up some small items, but the last few weeks was a good start.  We also managed to shave some more small expenses from our monthly budget.  I finally cut the cord with Verizon and we swapped over to YouTube TV.  We didn’t save a ton, but will probably end up about $20 a month less.  We have no contracts for cable or internet service and got rid of all the wires and boxes, which also felt good.  I also paused our YouTube premium, which is another $15 per month savings.  They are small items but it feels good to reign things in and keep more of the money we make for ourselves or to reallocate.  Thankful for the rollercoaster that was 2020 and also to be starting 21 on such solid footing.  I know it won’t last, but I’m grateful for the ride and where I am at today, right now.

1/2/21:  Quiet day at home yesterday.  Visited the Azalea property, to measure for a new fridge.  It was the first time I’d been over since the dishwasher incident with Bob.  It was slightly awkward but he and his wife were very pleasant.  He’s not a horrible guy but I was pretty shaken by the abusive tirade he launched at me last year.  It led to a positive outcome in that Nexus has been a nice partner in managing the property.  I could envision working with them for our other rentals and if things change moving forward with tenants, etc. that could be an option.  In any case, I bought them a new fridge and it should be delivered next week. I’m thankful to have paying tenants in all 3 of our properties and making money from those investments, without a tremendous amount of overhead or stress.

We also paid our first quarterly real estate bill, post mortgage.  It was timely in that we received the newest stimulus check from Uncle Sam on the same day.  We were able to pay that bill as well as cover the fridge and only had to dip into our slush fund for the difference.  Very thankful for being in a solid financial position going into the new year.

1/1/21:  Mellow NYE at home last night with the family.  We did ‘breakfast for dinner’ and made eggs, bacon, waffles and bagels with chive cheese and lox.  All 4 of us were home and enjoyed the meal.  We talked about people who passed away as well as things that were positive in 2020.  Thankful on so many levels to have such a great family to share this life with.

Bella went out to meet some friends and Lisa, Q and I hung in.  We watched some TV, had a few laughs and snacks and I officially went to bed just after midnight.  Grateful to have survived another year.  It was challenging, mostly in the first half and not as much because of the pandemic.  So thankful to be heading in a new direction with work, in an amazing position to have a great year with Rawkstars and to be on such solid financial footing.  Hopeful 2021 can be a positive year on the weight/health side for me, while keeping the rest going as well.  I know whatever comes I can survive it and will simply do my best each day and start again as needed.

12/31/20:  New Year’s Eve day.  A time for reflection I suppose?!  Things have been pretty great lately, as reflected in these posts.  The biggest need of attention is my health.  I’ve been doing a bit better this week but also trying to not beat myself up when I stumble.  It’s going to be the big challenge of the new year for me, adjusting to a balanced daily existence, while also trying to drop some lbs.

So many things to be grateful for this past year, despite the pandemic.  #1 has to be the job situation.  6 months ago I was in dire straits with regards to my career and today I am both thankful and hopeful for how I’m spending my professional time.  I’ve also got to put Rawkstars high on this list.  I started the year with a vision of transitioning to this Fan Club concept and 12 months later, we are supporting ourselves with over 150 monthly subscriptions, exceeding the original target of 130.  It’s got us in a great position to offer more programming and fun projects next year, along with adding another student or two.  We also successfully completed the Guitars Behind Bars project, which I spun into a website and separate formation of a business plan.  It really stalled due to Covid, but I think we can revive this in 2021 and momentum is strong with Rawkstars overall.

Finances are in great shape at year’s end.  The withdrawal from my IRA had a huge impact on our monthly cash flow.  We did a ton of ‘cleanup’, cutting expenses both large and small.  We paid off our home!  We also covered 2 full years of tuition for Bella, more than I had hoped for.  We eliminated our line of credit payments and kept our real estate assets (and tenants) intact.  We are now in a position to save a nice chunk of money each month and have been doing so already.

Lastly, family.  The kids are doing well despite the strain of the pandemic forcing them to be out of school.  I know it’s hitting them hard but they are doing as well as can be expected.  I’m hopeful they won’t find themselves too far behind, once they are able to get back to classes.  Bella has been furiously working throughout and saved a ton of money, which I’m saving aside for her schooling next year.  She also has a great relationship with Alex and several of her friends.  She’s always been good at those.  On Q’s side, he continues to be productive as hell making music.  He’s doing really well with his classes, though I don’t like how little he’s being challenged.  He took a hit with the running, but I know it’s still in his heart and once an opportunity opens up to get back, I feel confident he will rise to it once again.  Lisa continues to be out of work, but also continues to take good care of herself physically.  It’s been a tough year for her and losing the Patriot job has hurt her confidence.  I know we’ve been covered on the money side by her unemployment,  but the emotional loss is hard to quantify and replace.  Still, I’m grateful our relationship is intact and even after a challenging middle of the year, I feel like we are in a better place and moving forward together.

Grateful.

12/29/20:  Day 3 of mindful eating.  I got to the gym again to walk and also did a 20 minute ‘waking up’ session.  Felt good and I’m thankful for even these small victories.  The last few months have been a really bad example of letting myself go, so it’s no small feat to simply string together a couple solid days to remind myself that it is possible and ‘feel’ some progress.

Bought some stuff for the studio, a few stools and a couple more mic stands.  May seem ridiculous (it probably is) but I like knowing my space is ready for everything, even though we probably won’t be jamming as a group in there any time soon.  I also bought myself a rack mount wireless system for my bass.  I’d like to try and sell a couple guitars and see about buying a American Professional 2 P-Bass, which is my latest want.  I know it’s not a need and would prefer to at least get rid of a couple items before taking the plunge.  We’ll see if I have the ability to do so.

Spinning the Allan Watts podcast at the gym and it’s a great reminder of how amazing of a thinker/communicator he was.  I enjoy listening to him as opposed to reading his books, which I’ve struggled with in the past.  He has such a great voice and delivery that gets lost when reading.  Always a great reminder of the concepts I struggle to live with each moment and grateful I live in an era that allows me to simply press a few buttons and have such knowledge and resources at my fingertips.

12/28/20:  Second day of mindful eating.  No gym today but I prepared a nice beef and rice dish for dinner and took the time to consider what/when/how much I was eating.  Continued some practice on my bass as well.  Been learning a new set of ‘metal’ songs, that I’d like to learn with others.  Maybe put another ‘Shine’ project together for 2021.  I got a random text from Alex, the owner at The District and made a pledge to connect in the new year on a project.  I’d love to be able to put together a live stream or something from the stage over there.  Maybe even a small live crowd, depending on the rules and what not.

Heard from Ed that we might be able to drop the 10% IRS penalty for having withdrawn funds from our IRA last year.  That would be a nice boost as I’ve set side a big chunk of change to cover the expected tax hit in March.  Also getting the feeling that Hasbro had a decent 2020, despite the poor results early in the year.  That might lead to bonuses being paid out, also in March and we might find ourselves in a great spot, if all that comes together.  We’re already in a great spot, now that I think about it, and whatever comes (or doesn’t) I know we will be alright.  We’ve caught up with Bella’s school payments and are poised to return some of her own money to her next year, if things hold steady.  We also haven’t had to dip back into the home equity, and may not have to if our tax burden is limited thanks to covid. There’s also talk of another stimulus.  It feels weird getting extra money from the government, when others clearly need it more.  I suppose that’s how it works and I will look for a way to help someone in need with at least some of the money we get from that.

Grateful for being in a solid financial position with my family.

12/27/20:  First day of mindful eating.  I even got my ass to the gym and walked for 30+ minutes on the treadmill.  It felt pretty good and led to a day of movement.  I continued cleaning up the music space.  Got rid of some more junk in the closet, threw out some old, unnecessary boxes I’d been ‘saving’ and spaced things out more.  Lisa and I moved a big shelving unit into our bedroom and re-configured that space a bit as well.  It was a nice feeling of productivity and kept us moving for a few hours.  The result is a cleaner space in our room as well as the music room.  I really enjoy that type of afternoon and am grateful to have made progress against those things.

The gym was also nice.  First time I’ve stepped foot in there in probably 2 months.  I didn’t bust ass bit it was nice to simply move my body and I felt a lot of aches afterward, even this morning.  Lack of momentum has a way of making you numb to your body and when you start to move, it shakes off those cobwebs, in a good way.  You really feel how stagnant you’ve been, how your muscles crave activity and how tight you have gotten all around.  I also spent the time on the treadmill listening to an Allan Watts podcast talk which was beautiful.  I miss the podcasts very much, another thing that’s changed since the pandemic.  I would mostly listen in the car while commuting, but it’s fallen off the table almost entirely since we’ve been at home.  Grateful to have learned something while I moved my body and for the chance to do it again today.

12/26/20:  Xmas yesterday.  We spent it. at the Bento’s of course.  Low key, just Rob and his family plus his friend Jim from work.  Awesome lunch.  Cascoila, bacchalau and quail being the highlights.  As expected, I overdid things and went to bed literally in pain from having eaten so much.  Yes, today is another day and I’m determined to make it better and more mindful.  Grateful we have such abundance and that it ripples through the whole family really.  The Bento’s, Rob and Kelly and Mikey and Alyssa for sure.  All of us have great families, good health, awesome kids and great jobs.  Really nothing to complain about and the fact that we all genuinely love each other is also pretty cool.  Thankful.

We didn’t overdo it with the kids and as they get older, they realize how lucky they are and are fine with getting ‘less’ in terms of quantity.  Bella has been saving so much money at work, she totally understands the concept of living below your means.  We got her some simple items and a bit of cash, just as a treat for herself.  We got Q some albums, which is what he’s mainly focused on nowadays.  I also got him this ‘Cameo’ gimmick where he got a personal message from RA The Rugged Man, who. is one of his favorite rappers.  I stumbled across it and thought he would really dig the idea, so I had RA send him a message about working hard and sticking to his music.  Kinda corny but I think it really hit him hard :). Thankful to be able to use our resources to bring joy to the kids and grateful to be close enough to them to understand what might hit the mark.  We gave all the kids money, as we have the last few years.  I also picked a Yes album from my collection to give Caden, along with a small Beatles book about the Let It Be album.  I know how much he’s into music and buying records and it brings me joy to share that relationship with him a little bit.

12/24/20:  Hung out with the metal crew last night.  Saw Kev, Mike, Sean and Barry.  We had some drinks, of course and listened to music, of course and laughed, of course.  Good chance to unwind and just be friends.  It was especially nice to see Barry, as I don’t get to connect with him near as much as the other guys.  We talked about playing some music this coming year and I’m determined to make that happen.  I want to play some metal and challenge myself a bit with new songs and volume levels.  Already working on a playlist of stuff to try and learn and look forward to seeing if I can put it together.

Had a conference call with a vendor called Flipcause.  I’m thinking about a trial with them for the next couple months to see if their tools can help me improve the user experience for Rawkstars.  It’s basically a confluence of several disparate tools that I currently use, streamlined into a single dashboard.  I’m thinking it’s a good/smart investment and might make things easier for me as we continue to grow.  Grateful to be thinking along these lines and see if the partnership makes sense, especially for our donors.

12/23/20:  Sent out a spontaneous blast to a new crop of potential RS FC members.  I began to frame up a list to see if I can start pushing towards milestone #2, which is 190+ subscriptions.  I got a couple new signups, which was awesome and I think the list contains several folks who will participate.  It’s also a great way for me to reconnect with some old colleagues that I haven’t spoken to in quite some time.  Thankful for the chance to reach out and to see if I can spark some new conversations with this crowd.

Continued to shape my job description/list of duties and feeling pretty decent about it.  Still a ways to go but I have a good foundation and plenty of time to continue to work at it.

Took out my bass for the first time since the session and it felt good to noodle.  Played some Thin Lizzy, which was kinda awesome.  I want to do some metal songs and get loud again.  Considering what to do with that idea and how it could incorporate a project for 2021.

12/22/20:  Had a mellow day yesterday as I try to decompress from work.  It’s a tough transition to make going from 100mph for the last few months to having almost zero to do for 2 weeks +.  I kicked the tires on some thoughts for my new role and put things down on paper.  I did a bit of reading about organizational purpose and infused some of that into my writing.  I brainstormed a bit on new recruits for RSFC members I can approach in 2021 with our next milestone in mind.  I had one call with Hoda from eOne.  She was really cool to talk to and I think we have a lot in common.  It was nice to meet someone new and make another like-minded connection.  I started thinking about spinning up a RS merch shop on the website.  There are lots of options and it has me thinking whether I should consider more holistic changes on the tech side to implement something more seamless for Stripe/Subscriptions/Commerce/Website/Mailing List/landing pages/etc.  Grateful for small productivities.

Had a decent day of being mindful.  I didn’t get to the gym or anything but I ate decently, not perfect.  I also did a tiny bit of stretching just to feel my body more closely.  Doesn’t sound like huge progress I understand but when you are off the rails, it’s ok to just have small victories.  Grateful for another day to try again.

I bought Q a video message from RA The Rugged Man.  It’s through this platform called Cameo, which I don’t have a great feeling about using.  That said, I stumbled on it somehow and thought Quincy would freak out getting a ‘personal’ message from one of his rap icons.  It was only $70 and I decided to jump in.  We’ll see how it comes out and how he reacts, but I feel thankful to not worry about spending money on something I think my son will love.  The fact that I am able to basically buy whatever I want is not lost on me.

12/21/20:  Pretty much off work from now until after New Year’s.  I have to work on my job description and an outline of my new role so I can finalize that when we return, but otherwise, don’t have any deliverables.  Nobody is really in the office this week so I’m going to use the time to try and reset.  I want to make a couple lists (of course 🙂 — I need a list of candidates I can follow up with next year about joining the RS Fan Club.  Our next milestone is 192, which is about 43 subscriptions away from where we stand now.  I also have a short list of technical changes I’d like to make to the site, etc.  Those will give me some direction going into 21 without having too much structure.

The personal side is where I really need the focus.  My weight has become a problem (again) and I’m feeling/looking awful and my clothes don’t fit (again).  Not like I haven’t noticed along the way but I’ve been purposely ignoring it to allow myself to focus all my energy on the work/RS/personal projects I achieved in Q4.  They were numerous and pleasurable, but came at a cost.  I need to figure out how to be productive enough, while still maintaining a mindful lifestyle.  Need to get back to preparing wholesome food for myself regularly.  Need to consider more writing and practicing my bass.  Need to get back to daily movement for the sake of being with thoughts, while taking care of my body and mind.

Yesterday I made a white bean salad.  It was nice to spend 30 minutes making something for myself.  It was yummy and healthful and a good reminder of how preparing food can make a big change.  It’s a tough time of year to try and reign oneself in and we have plenty of landmines in the next week, that I’m sure will trip me up.  It’s a process and I don’t need to see each and every day as success/failure.  If I can even make a bit of progress towards the path this week I’ll be grateful, as it’s more than I will have made in the last several weeks.

Today is a new day and I’m thankful for yet another chance to get closer to where I want to be.

12/20/20:  Night out with ‘the crew’ last night.  We had dinner over Mike’s with Dave, Liza, Doug and Sue.  Enjoyable evening as always filled with food, drinks and a few laughs.  Still struggling with my control and mindfulness of eating, but had a fun time nonetheless.  Grateful for the chance to connect with friends and share.

Got the RS Xmas cards out yesterday, thanks to Lisa.  Felt good to mail out 120+ cards to our closest supporters.  It will arrive a few days on the heels of the video/email we sent.  Hoping it leaves them all with a sense of connection to Rawkstars going into 20201.  It’s nice to be doing small things for them and I aim to make next year even more focused on delivering cool things to them while doing more fun projects with the kids.

I’m thinking about doing some small updates to the signup method and need to really tighten that up.  Mailchimp still isn’t getting the right format of data and Stripe is not pulling in the names correctly.  I’d like to rectify those two things as well as reformat the Mailchimp table, so it’s uniform with non-fans and fans alike.  Also like to get into exploring SMS messaging, since there are definitely those who do not touch email.  I’m still not thrilled with the website and namely its slow loading and inflexible maintenance for me.  Might dip my toe into the idea of relaunching that, even though it’s not that old.  Thankful to have some capacity to think through these things and have the skills and tools at hand to execute.

12/18/20:  Finished with the Holiday event at Hasbro last night.  It was my last big deliverable for the year and it came out really well.  Everyone loved the video and Dolph called me out as having put it together when he introduced it.  The party was really well received and the team got tons of praise from the attendees as well as senior leadership all around.

Afterward, I caught a few folks online and was invited into a little hangout with the old DT/PM group.  It was awesome to reconnect with them and we had some genuine laughs together.  Great group of people and my new role has made me appreciate the chemistry of being with a nice bunch of people.

Got the RS Let It Be video project done and framed up a thank you email to the Fan Club members.  It went out early this morning and I’m so happy to have gotten that done.  It’s really amazing where RS has ended this year.  It started so well with the Guitars Behind Bars project, then got awful when OMG took that money from us.  I felt so desperate and ashamed during that time.  Then I launched the new site and began testing the waters for the Fan Club and covid struck.  It put everything on hold and closed up the prison angle.  In the last couple months, I was able to really ramp up the signup efforts and I got Jamie and MonkeyMarketing involved.  Crissy recovered the money stolen by OMG and we closed with the EVH raffle and Let It Be video, as well as a holiday card mailing that goes out this weekend.  Our bank account is +$20k and we have a monthly revenue stream of about $1500.  That nearly covers all our expenses.  I’m about to re-up with either Monkey or Jamie so I will have some continued support to create the newsletters each month at minimum.  With the additional revenue we get outside of the Fan Club, our burn rate should be close to zero, unless something radical changes.  Couldn’t be more grateful and it feels like we are poised to have our most impactful year ever in 2021.

12/16/20:  Got a message from old friend Mark Zonder last night.  He shared some new music with me and it was incredible.  Just demos, but he’s got a new project going with Ray Alder on vocals.  Some other amazing players named Robbie Wyckoff, Phillip Bynoe and some guys from Europe I don’t know.  Anyways, the songs were fantastic and it was great to have them shared with me.  I always had a good relationship with Mark and we’ve stayed in touch over the years.  He is an absolutely fantastic drummer/musician and I was grateful that he reached out to connect through music.

Stumbled on an old Meliah Rage video from the BCN bash at The Channel from 1988.  I remember that night vividly and it was really cool seeing Tony, Mike, Jim and the other guys on stage.  They were always pros and I don’t think I gave them quite enough credit for their musicianship.  I was more snobbish back then and anyone who played alongside Gasm had a steep hill to climb.  I’m thankful we all became friends over the years and our relationship has strengthened.  Proud to have been a tiny part of that scene and that time and for all the memories, friendships and musical bonds that formed.

12/15/20:  Inching closer to finishing the Holiday Event video.  Doga did an amazing job as usual capturing the direction and vision of the piece.  Weve made some changes and I sourced some new material from an international audience last night, with help from Bryony.  I think we will see the finished piece tonight.  I also have a rough cut of the Let It Be project.  It’s not amazing, mainly because of the shooting we did.  I also wish I had more time with the mixing and guiding everyone while we shot.  Hard to be in the video and trying to lead all that, as well as being present for the vocal tracking, mixing, etc in the midst of all the work.  Still I’m grateful for the work and everyone who participated.  I’m glad to be able to share something with our Fan Club folks, even if it isn’t quite up to snuff on the production side as I would have liked.  After Thursday, my work calendar clears up immensely and I plan to use the time to focus more on my physical health, which has lacked for the last few months.  Keeping mental, physical and work in balance has been tricky for me always, but I will continue to work at it and am grateful for each opportunity to get better.

12/14/20:  Visited Nana yesterday.  I’ve been too busy to do a big family think for Hanukkah so we decided to just swing by and spend a bit of time with her.  We brought her some flowers and of course, some candy.  She is such an awesome woman and besides her vision and hearing, remains practically unchanged since I was 5 years old.  She’s got such a great outlook and enjoys every day of her life, regardless of what it brings.  I’d like to try and make more effort to spend time with her going forward and am grateful to have had her in my life for 50+ years.

I also executed the EVH raffle last night on FB live.  It was a weird experience as I had never done one before, but once it was running I felt natural.  I’m totally fine with talking of course and enjoy connecting with people, even virtually.  Mooney won the damn thing, which is funny, but I’m psyched it went to someone in the family who I know will really enjoy it.  Altogether we raised about $960 for Rawkstars and a lot of people attended the LIVE thing, which was also kinda nice.  We had a couple new Fan Club signups as a result so it really was a pretty impactful project.  I definitely want to look for more opportunity to create special events like that to bring our community closer together and reward them for being connected to our little charity.

With these extra funds, Rawkstars is really finishing 2020 on a high note.  We are approaching 150 subscriptions, from over 100 individuals.  We’ve got a solid bank balance north of $20k.  We also have generated several other methods of raising funds and have even gotten some traction on the monthly newsletter and creating some content.  I look forward to developing more ways to give back and strengthen the community even more.  Growth is secondary to fulfillment and purpose.  Grateful to be a part of such a special and unique group of people doing this.

12/12/20:  Had some nice comments from folks on the team yesterday after Dolph shared the news of me coming on board.  Sarah, Caitie, Donna and Nia all reached out to me, which felt great.  I’m still riding high thinking of the position I’m in now and want to linger in this state as long as possible.

Quincy, in particular, was most happy for me in terms of the job outcome.  He’s such a sensitive kid with stuff like that and it felt awesome to show him such a good example of turning something crappy into something awesome.  So grateful for his love and affection.

Played Pictionary with the kids last night after Bella came back from work.  Had some laughs and a few drinks and went to bed smiling.  Grateful!

12/11/20:  I don’t know the origins of ‘Cloud Nine” but today, I am on Cloud Ten.  Yesterday was GDOJ and my projects went off really well.  Beyond that, Hasbro overall really came together and did something special, as it regularly does.  I worked with so many awesome people over the last 3 months and have written at length about my motivations and gratitude, which all came full circle in the last 24 hours.

In addition to the successes of yesterday, I just hung up from speaking with Dolph and Kevin about my long term future with the group.  As we caught up, I started to transition into my outline of why I wanted to remain, what I could bring, etc. Dolph stopped me and told me I didn’t need to ‘sell’ anymore.  He told a story about a movie called ‘Invincible’ about a walk-on to the Eagles that became a success and equated me to him.  He said so many nice things and told me he would make it happen in the next few weeks and literally said ‘welcome to the team’.

I’m getting emotional as I type and can hardly believe the arc of the last 6 months of my life.  I was at such a low point, after all the stress at work, the complications with OMG, the financial pressures of life, Rawkstars activities, landlording, marriage, college payments, among other personal things.  At this moment, none of those things are weighing on me.

Of course even this is temporary and I realize I will continue to have ups/downs. That said, I’m feeling such an immense inner strength right now and satisfaction at having turned things around so powerfully.  Life continues to surprise and educate me.  I’m so thankful for all the great people that have contributed to getting me to this moment.  Beyond joyful and filled with love.

12/10/20:  GDOJ is here.  Yesterday was a good run through for my projects.  There were a few tech glitches and a couple of them ran a wee bit long, but I think they had the intended impact, at least for many attendees.  Today we will host 3-4x as many guests and my confidence is higher, given the ‘paid rehearsals’ yesterday.  I’ve done live events too long to let that get the best of me though and plan to be on my toes equally prepared as I was for the first round.  Really proud of being in this group and having something like this to work on together.  I’m meant to be a great teammate and involved with ‘productions’ on this scale.  It feels good despite the long hours and uncertainty, or perhaps because of them.  Finished the video and I hope it goes over well with the company.  I believe it will bring great attention and that everyone will really enjoy it.  EmVision is building a nice reputation and I think more people will see this than our prior efforts.  Thankful to be working with them so often and for some recognition, and money, to come their way as a result of me.

12/9/20:  Another lapse, due to hectic schedule at work and life.  Session for Let It Be on Sunday went great.  I spent too much time on the video setup than I would have liked so I missed some of the vocal tracking.  The girls were all amazing of course so I know it will be fine, I just enjoy that part so much.  I also had trouble getting my new gimbal to work properly, so the filming suffered.  No matter, the fact that I even squeezed this in at all amongst everything else is a minor miracle.   Thankful that so many cool and talented people that contributed to the effort.  Look forward to hearing/seeing the results.

Continue to have donations and a few Fan Club signups trickle in.  I started pumping the EVH raffle a bit and have about $500 on tap there as well.  I’ll need to whip something together for the drawing on Sunday, but again, thankful to draw more attention to RS and for the time, effort and love that Trish and Chris put into the artwork.  Kind wish I could take a shot at winning it myself 😉

Continued a frantic pace with Hasbro stuff.  Today is actually our pre-GDOJ.  I’ll be running my 4 Immersion projects today and in some ways it will be a nice dry run before tomorrow’s bigger reveal.  I feel like I did just about everything possible, though I would prioritize my time a bit differently if I had to do it over.  Some things I left for the end which would have been a lot easier had I started them sooner.  I also didn’t anticipate some late changes on the partner side and other loose ends that came up yesterday.  No project is ever going to be perfect and I am proud of what we put together and hope the results will reflect the energy we all contributed.  Last night, I was really stressed and two people at work, Chris Robinson and Sarah Knott, jumped in to really help me.  I’m super grateful for that and for their friendship.  Fingers crossed that the next two days go really well and can put me in position to make the leap to permanent member of this group.

12/6/20:  Spent some time working yesterday, even though it was Saturday.  Might seem strange to write about that here but in a way I was thankful.  It’s nice to have something important to focus on.  It was a rainy day and I didn’t kill myself, but made small progress on my projects.  I also got the first cut at the kickoff video and as expected it looked really good.  Most importantly, Kevin really liked it.  It’s my first video with him and I wanted to impress.  I sent Doga over my edits already and think Kevin and the rest of the team/company is going to really dig the finished product. Grateful that things continue on a positive trajectory at the office.

Also heard the drums/rough piano that Joe laid for our session today.  Drums sound fantastic as expected and it gave me so much confidence about the outcome of this project.  I wasn’t worried but it came together so quickly I didn’t have time to form the full picture in my head.  I’m really excited about today and getting to spend time in the studio, which is always something I love.  Being there with Lisa, Bella, Alex, Noah and the twins is going to be extra special.  I know it’s Alex’s first session and something all of them will remember forever.

12/5/20:  Yesterday I connected with an old friend, Bob Mercier.  He used to play drums in a band called Contagious that I got close with during the Deringer’s years.  They were great and we became friendly.  I mixed several gigs with them and did a showcase that helped them get signed.  I brought them into the reunion gig 7 years ago and we’ve loosely stayed in touch, mostly online.  Anyways, he dropped me an email about the Fan Club and we started chatting.  He got Rawkstars setup in the matching gifts system at his company, Salesforce and told me there might be some opportunity for grants.  He also said he would join the Fan Club and they would match his monthly amount.  He signed up at the $75 level, which was amazing.  We made plans to connect via Zoom in a few weeks and I was really honored by all his words and actions.  Grateful to know so many generous and talented people willing to help us on this journey.

During a project call yesterday, I met Clea Newman, daughter of Paul.  I’ve been working hard with SeriousFun Network on a big project and they are the company that oversees the camps, started by Paul in the early 80’s.  They are just one of the amazing nonprofits I’m getting to know through my new gig and I couldn’t be more grateful to be helping them in some small way.  We held a tech call in preparation of our event next week and she joined.  I told her I was a ‘fan boy’ and how much Paul inspired me.  It was really nice to feel a connection with her and in the tiniest of ways, feel the energy of his legacy.  Grateful as fuck.

12/4/20:  Alex came by last night and we rehearsed Let It Be.  We jammed it through maybe 5-6 times and it was helpful.  I’m getting a bit more comfortable, though still not quite where I want to be by Sunday.  It was nice to connect with him and we talked while I was getting things setup.  He sounded pretty good.  A bit nervous perhaps and his timing/feel weren’t perfect but that’s ok.  He’s going to sound fine in the studio and if we have to piece things together a bit that’s ok too.  I might need the same!  Bella came home after a bit and we all sat downstairs and talked music for a while.  It was nice.  It’s always interesting to see your kid in a bit of a different light, when they let their guard down and are around their own friends.  The project is coming together more, in my mind and with other pieces of the puzzle falling into place.  I’m feeling better about it each day and think we will come out with a strong production.  I hope it will be well received by our Fan Club folks.  I want them to really feel the love from Rawkstars and that we made something special just for them.  Grateful to have the opportunity to give something back to them while doing something so fulfilling for me and the folks who are going to play.

12/3/20:  Gap in writing here.  Mostly caused by being so busy.  Cranking away on the Hasbro side.  With GDOJ coming up in a few days, I have roughly a million loose ends to tie up.  I’m also mid-way through the video production on the kickoff project I accepted.  All are well, and I’m enjoying the energy and busy factor that accompanies these projects.  I’m feeling good about all of them and in a few days, we’ll see the results.  Grateful to be contributing to such awesome projects and teams.

I also had some good conversations recently with Kevin and Dolph about making the permanent shift.  Signs are positive and in a few weeks I hope to have some clarity on all this.  Trying to keep myself tempered, but it’s admittedly hard sometimes with so much of my emotions tied up in the outcome.  Thankful to remind myself to breathe and just enjoy what is unfolding.

Wrapped up the Rawkstars history month-long campaign, with good success.  We signed up 27 new Fan Club members and I think a few others will trickle in as a result.  It connected me to folks I haven’t spoken to in a while and a few brand new names emerged.  I also had several people get in touch about donating instruments.  Even though the conversion isn’t as direct sometimes as clicking the Join button, there are ripples that emanate out and have impact in other ways.  It’s easy to forget that and be disappointed with the simple metrics but those aren’t always the real measure.  Grateful to be thinking about that as I type right now.

I’ve spun up a new music project for the studio this Sunday.  I’m heading in with Bella and Lisa, along with Alex, Devin, Brooke, Noah, Mike and Joe to record a year end message of hope video.  We are doing ‘Let It Be’, which is such an amazing song and such a hopeful message.  I’m planning to celebrate the 100 or so people who are part of our Fan Club, by mentioning them somehow.  Doga agreed to edit the piece for me for free, which is simply amazing too.  I need to work on the damn bass part as my schedule has been so crazy that my energy level is low once I finally sign off work.  I’m not stressed about it and still have a couple days to sharpen my playing.  Super grateful to have the outlet, get something nice done for the Fan Club folks and connect musically with my friends while getting experience in the studio for some new kids.

11/28/20:  Zeus and Nina came by the house yesterday afternoon to drop off some equipment for Rawkstars.  It was nice to see them and connect for an hour.  Their daughter is so grown up and it was sweet of them to take such a long drive to help the charity.  Zeus gave me a couple really cool basses and some practice amps.  There were other assorted items, but beyond the gear, having people think of RS in that way is gratifying.  Not everyone has the financial ability to support the monthly subscription approach, and I’m thankful for whatever energy anyone is able to send our way.

I spent an hour or so practicing ‘Let It Be’, which I think I want to record for the Hasbro holiday event and also for a year-end Rawkstars thank you.  Considering how to approach it and whether I should spend money recording it properly in the studio or perhaps do it live at home and spend a bit having someone shoot/edit it instead.  Also figuring out who to involve and leaning towards an idea of having a bunch of kids play on it.  Makes the scheduling more difficult and also potentially lowers the quality, but the intention is more strongly aligned I think.  I’ll work on it more today and decide how to proceed from there.  Regardless, I’m thankful to have something personal and musical to focus on and to have the opportunity to send a message of hope to those who have given their time and resources to support our little organization.

11/27/20:  Thanksgiving is an easy time to consider gratitude.  We visited the Bento’s yesterday as usual and were treated to the typical feast.  I’m thankful to have such great in-laws and to be surrounded by incredible food.  I think my favorite were the quail, which Mr. Bento always makes since he knows how much we like them.  Rob and Kelly and the boys were also there of course and Rob brought a friend from work.  Tia Maria was also there, and it was nice to catch up with her.  Jonathan, our cousin, has been battling lymphoma.  She said he’s doing better and I was thankful to hear some good news about him.  He’s a super sweet guy and although we don’t see him often, Lisa and I are both really fond of him.

I spent some time connecting with Caden, which was nice.  He’s a music kid and we talked about that for about 30 minutes.  It’s nice as the kids get older that we can connect more personally and get to know one another.  He’s a great kid and it felt good to spend time talking with him about a shared connection.

We visited my mom’s after, as usual too.  I’m happy to see my mom and of course GiGi, who looked spry as ever at 99!  They are both great, loving people and I’m glad our relationships have sustained over the years.  Ben is in rough shape, and it took quite some effort to get him into the car and to his house afterward.  I’m thankful to see my brother is taking care of himself.  He’s lost a ton of weight in the last year and seems to be enjoying his life a bit more.  He was in a good mood, which isn’t always predictable, but I was thankful to see him smiling and happy.

11/26/20:  Taking time to communicate my gratitude to many folks lately.  I sent notes to several people at work yesterday as well as some friends and partners.  I also drafted and sent a personal note to the folks who have joined the RS Fan Club.  Speaking of which, we are inches away from 130 subscriptions.  That was my original goal at the outset of this whole thing, so I must say it feels pretty good.  We still have a few days left in the month and I’m hopeful we can tick 5-10 more at the end here.  We now have enough monthly income arriving that we can nearly pay our entire expenses.  Bringing on Jamie is an extra expense I didn’t originally consider in the budget, but even if we have a deficit, we can survive with that going forward.  The FB exercise has been taxing, but also fun.  I’m happy to share the successes of Rawkstars and as mentioned before, it’s a nice reminder to me about all the blessings it’s brought to others and to me and my own family.  Grateful.

I also dropped a note yesterday to Aatish, who ran the old team I was on at Hasbro.  As discussed in great detail, that was the source of tremendous angst for me earlier this year.  I hadn’t spoken with him directly since returning to work in September and it’s been weighing on me.  I know if I am to make my new role permanent, he will need to be part of that conversation.  It’s been making me somewhat fearful to talk about it, but I finally mustered the confidence to do so.  He responded very graciously and positively.  It’s something I continue to learn about being vulnerable and open with people, but continue to be buoyed by when I am able.  Still a ways to go to make this dream a reality, but proud and happy that I took another small step.

11/24/20:  A tale of two days yesterday.  Another super productive afternoon at work.  I’ve taken on 2 new video productions, both with EmVision on the team.  I also have the immersion work for GDOJ and some other smallish items.  I made good progress yesterday against the big items and am feeling more confident about meeting all the deadlines.  I also interviewed Chris Cocks, who is the president of our Wizard’s business out in Seattle.  I continue to be bolstered by the trust the teams have shown me, in letting me connect very directly with leaders at the highest levels of the company.  It feels very natural for me, but at Hasbro I think it’s atypical.  They tend to put those folks on a pedestal and insulate them.  It’s an honor and part of what has been amazing about my new role.  Thankful.

Other side of the coin.  I got a call from Sarah Soares in HR.  She was awesome when I was struggling a few months back and helped me navigate the system, as well as simply being there to comfort me.  I’m very fond of her and will never forget that.  She was reaching out to ‘check in’ with me, but then also told me the team is looking to get me back.  That simple sentence made my stomach drop, as if I were on a rollercoaster heading downhill.  While it was a nice sentiment, the fact of the matter is I don’t want to return under any circumstance.  I’ve found myself a near dream job and am spending my time working really hard at really important work and it’s just what I want to be doing for the rest of my work career.  The thought of returning to a toxic environment, doing work I have zero passion for is untenable.  I’ve got to figure out how to navigate this and communicate my feelings to the right folks ASAP.  I’ve already spoken with Kevin, but want to go to Bryony, Sue and Dolph next.  It’s so clear to me that Hasbro would want me to be in this role where I am more productive than ever, truly happy and surrounded by a team that wants and needs me.  Everybody wins.  I will do anything I need to over the next few weeks to clearly communicate that message and hope that Dolph and team can make it so.  Thankful for the chance to realize my dream career aspirations.

11/22/20:  Had Doug and Sue over last night for dinner and a movie.  We cooked and had a few drinks and talked a lot.  So much so, that we never actually got to the movie part.  The kids were home too and Alex was with B.  Q joined us for dinner and hung out a bit.  It’s nice to have seen him grow up to enjoy some time with our friends.  He didn’t used to be that social and it’s sweet to see his maturity.  They’re a great couple and easy to talk with.  I got a bit buzzed and wound up snacking after they left.  It’s ok though and I plan to start fresh today and not let it derail the solid week I’ve had being mostly in control of food intake.  Grateful to have friends we can share with, grateful to be together with the family all at once and grateful for the bounty of food and sharing with others.

Lisa and I spent a couple hours in the yard doing a final fall cleanup.  We had awesome weather and it was sunny for the afternoon.  I raked all the corners of the yard and bagged the last of the leaves.  Lisa cleaned up the patio and the beds out front by hand.  It looks awesome.  I also asked Dave to come by and help me get all the debris from around his camper.  I wanted to help out Larry and it also makes our side yard look better.  Thankful for our house, and our property which is in great shape and has been awesome for us for nearly 20. years.  Thankful for awesome neighbors like Larry and Dave who are always there to help.  Thankful for Lisa, who isn’t afraid to get dirty and help out with yard work.

11/21/20:  Yesterday was an amazing day at work.  Before lunch, I connected with folks in Seattle, London, Milan and Columbia.  All of it was related to projects I’m working on for Global Day of Joy.  Later in the afternoon, I had the tremendous pleasure of interviewing a young woman who had been a wish kid for Give Kids the World, one of the charity partners I’ve been working with lately.  She was amazing and gave me such perspective on life and happiness.  I’m immensely grateful to have been given this chance to see the world through the eyes of philanthropy as part of my job, each and every day.  It’s been nothing short of life-changing and I’m as happy as I’ve been with my professional life as I can remember being in many years.

11/20/20:  Writing off-cycle at night but I’ve missed a couple days and Bella is playing guitar.  She’s been doing that lately in her room and singing, which is like hearing angels.  So grateful that music is such a part of her and that she is so talented.  It’s something that she will have her whole life no matter what comes.

Been slamming at work lately with project for Day of Joy.  Beyond the projects I’m leading, two new video productions have come my way.  I’ve got EmVision on board for both and I’m thankful to have them in my corner and to be able to throw decent paying gigs their way.  They helped Rawkstars a lot and it feels good to reciprocate.  Jonas just had his baby a few days ago and just texted me a pic of him wearing the RS onesie.  Grateful for my friendship with him and Doga and for the positive impact it’s having on me and at Hasbro.

A bit behind in the RS Fan Club project.  Aiming for 30 in the month of November, or one per day.  I’m at 17 today after 20 days.  It’s been quiet overall and far less productive than I might have hoped.  That said, I’m sticking with it and that process has been good for me.  I’d like to take the results and package them up for the Fan Club members as I’m not sure how many are actually seeing it on FB.  Even though we are behind, getting 17 new signups has us beyond 120+ memberships overall.  If you had told me we’d get this close. to our goal by the end of 2020, I would have been satisfied.  Funny how that works.  Happiness is that moment just before you need more happiness.  Grateful for that perspective, even if I’m not able to see it all the time.

11/16/20:  I’m grateful to be alive and have another chance to take care of myself today.  I’ve been on a skid, in terms of self-care.  Since things turned around emotionally for me, they have backslid in this area.  Strange but not unexpected.  During my cycle of depression, I dropped 22 lbs.  While I had begun to check myself a few weeks before that really kicked in, I definitely experienced a connection between how poorly I felt and my ability to consume food.  I had plenty of stomach issues and for whatever reason, I was eating much less than normal.  I was also continuing to exercise through that time, resulting in the 21lb. weight loss.  I looked and felt really good physically, but was in the toilet mentally.  Now it’s reversed itself and I regained almost all of the weight, but have been feeling great mentally.  The job situation and financial cleanup has helped, but I’ve been eating not only without being mindful, but purposely reverting to old habits like closet eating and feelings of never being satisfied, even before I eat.  I’m back up to 252, from 231 just a few months ago.  All that said, I’m thankful that I woke up today and was able to get on the scale and weigh myself.  This moment is another opportunity for me to make mindful choices and prioritize balance, moderation and become a better version of myself.

11/15/20:  Went out with Lisa to dinner and drinks last night.  I took her to a waterfront place down in Bristol.  I saw a posting that they had a local band playing called The Khoury’s.  It’s two sisters who both sing and play.  I had heard them before online and thought they sounded good and figured this would be a nice night out, given the pandemic and all limiting live music nearly 100%.  Bristol is such a nice fucking town.  I’d totally be into living down there and even though it was quiet, cold and dark the area has a great feel.  Restaurant was not very full, as is the case nowadays.  We were able to sit at the bar, with plexiglass on 3 sides of us.  Band was decent.  They have a ton of potential, but didn’t have great sound and could have used a bit of accompaniment, imo.  Still they were really entertaining and super talented.  We ate some apps and drank tequila.  I left a nice tip for the bartender and threw another $20 into the collection basket for the band.  Grateful for a night out with Lisa and even more to “feel” some live music.  It really soothed me and I left feeling aware of how awesome life is.  I think playing a gig with them would be a great idea, post covid and I’ll keep that in my back pocket for sometime next year.

11/13/20:  Staying ahead of the curve with the RS Fan Club project.  We’re at 14 signups in 13 days.  As mentioned, it’s been slower than I hoped, but it’s hard for me to complain when we are at the pace that I set as the original goal.  My friend Jonas had his baby yesterday.  My friend Greg lost his dad also.  I was able to connect briefly with both, via text.  I’m grateful for both of them being part of my life.  Jonas has helped me in so many ways, through his production company.  Greg also was key in helping me get the gig at Hasbro, which really made things better for me, especially at the time.  I love both of them and am thankful to have shared a bit together on those days with them.  I’m also grateful that I live in a time of technology where making that kind of connection is possible, even when we are not together physically.

11/12/20:  Making strides with the RS Fan Club activity.  I sometimes forget the up/down nature of fundraising like this.  There are days when you get zero traction, responses or donations and it feels like people don’t care.  All it takes is 1 surprise comment or gift to make you feel like it’s all worth it.  My goal was 1 person per day for November, for a total of 30 by month’s end.  Today we are at 13, after 12 days.  Lisa has started to help also, which feels good.  Grateful for her support as well as all the folks who have already joined, placing their confidence and trust in what we do.

11/11/20:  Got back to the concept of crossing small tasks off my list to feel productive.  Over the last few weeks I’ve had big projects going on, but have a brief lull at the moment.  I took the opportunity to balance the RS bank account, take care of the pending annual report re-file I needed to do and finally got the plumber situation down in Providence taken care of.  None of them were hard, but I had been procrastinating on all of them.  Felt good to ‘catch up’ with those items and I’m thankful for the reminder that it doesn’t take anything epic to feel productive and have an accomplished day.

Got some traction on the raffle for the EVH painting.  Trish helped sort out the online setup and we are using Venmo to take payments.  I was happy to have her take charge of it, and we already got 4 donations.  I got a check in the mail from Gary and Joan Eichhorn.  We met years ago when I helped introduce them to the West End House, where they eventually setup one of their early music clubhouses.  A few years back they started sending me $1,000 each year and it arrived yesterday.  I also got a small check from my Nana, who is so sweet and wants to always help.  It’s been nice seeing all the support roll in for Rawkstars on so many fronts lately.  Doing the History of RS posts has been cool, but that type of fundraising can also be draining.  It’s simple to ask why more people are not responding or taking real action.  I’ve felt those emotions even though I’ve been doing this for so long, it still happens.  If I’m able to take a step back, I can see that progress is being made.  I’m at my goal of 1 person per day with 11 signups as of this morning.  I also got the Eichhorn’s check, plus the HPHC grant from Sue Kast that we also get annually.  Now the raffle is shaping up and we are poised to end 2020 with a strong bank position.  Our monthly cash flow is growing through the Fan Club and should allow us to tackle some special projects next year and keep things afloat to build on our momentum.  There’s also GBKF opportunities and looking toward GBB making progress next year too.  Thankful.

11/10/20:  Meditated yesterday for the first time in about a week.  I’ve fallen off with my eating and mindfulness and despite best intentions, have been mostly unable to right the ship.  I’m attributing it to juggling so much at work, with Lisa’s party and the Rawkstars projects.  I often struggle when I get too much on my plate and the first thing to go is my health.  Yesterday I had a decent day of food intake and managed to sit for 20 minutes, so I’m thankful for that.  Weather continues to be unseasonably warm, which helped, since I sat outside in the afternoon and breathed.  Grateful for another chance today.

I managed to post an event for the EVH painting raffle.  Trish Giambusso and Chris Benvie donated a custom painting to be raffled off for Rawkstars. It’s immensely generous of them and we met on Sunday to discuss the details as well as for me to pickup the piece.  I’m thankful to have such amazing friends in my life and people that want to support the charity, with art of their own.  It added another set of tasks to my plate, but how can I be anything but grateful for the process?  I have a brief pause in work, since the service anniversary wrapped, but right around the corner is GDOJ and I need to finish strong to make this investment pay off at Hasbro.  I also picked up a project to put together a holiday concert with the Engagement Team.  I know I’m literally writing this on the heels of talking about a busy schedule derailing my health goals, but it’s something I need to learn to juggle.  I can be productive at work, keep Rawkstars afloat and take care of myself.  I’m certain of that, but need some smaller goals and need to learn to pace myself so I don’t get going too far ahead of myself on any one thing.  Grateful for the opportunity to better myself and accomplish important goals along the way.

11/9/20:  Lisa’s party was a big success.  She was completely surprised for one.  The girls came over early for a drink and she was all dressed up and looking hot.  At 7, about a dozen people all strolled in the house together and yelled surprise, so we even got that moment unexpectedly.  From there, we simply brought in the food, booze and started enjoying each other’s company.  It was a great mix of people and everyone really smiled all night.  The weather was freakishly warm, so we had the patio door open and much of the party took place around the firepit.  It was ideal and the stars really aligned.  I played the video at around 8:30 and brought everyone into the living room.  Lisa loved it as did everyone, and then we brought out the JAWS cake and sang happy birthday.  The night was awesome all around and we are blessed to have such great chosen family around us.  I know Lisa felt special and all the work and running around was worth it.  The kids helped a lot, including the cleanup 😉 Thankful.

11/7/20:  I’ve been working on the History of Rawkstars social media campaign for a week now.  It’s definitely added to my plate of work, but it’s also been fulfilling.  I’m able to recall lots of the stories and people that helped get us here.  It gives me a chance to write a bit creatively each morning, which I am also thankful for.  It’s been successful so far, in that we have 8 people who joined in the 7 days I’ve been posting.  The cumulative value of the subscriptions is 17, since one of them did $100 monthly rate.  It’s awesome to me even after 17 years of doing this, that people are moved by what Rawkstars does.  The stories speak for themselves, but thinking back on all these years it’s still an exciting thing to consider and experience.

Finished Lisa’s video yesterday and am pretty happy with the results.  I think she and everyone who sees it will feel the sentiments loud and clear.  I’m grateful to the guys who helped put the song together and to everyone who confirmed they are coming to the party.  I know she will feel the love and I’m thrilled to help bring extra attention to someone who deserves it so much.

11/6/20:  Wrapped up the service anniversary event last night.  A few tech glitches but overall I think people left happy.  It felt good to have it executed and a bit of relief to have it in the rear view mirror.  Grateful for the project and how many people it brought me closer to.

Today is my last day of prep for Lisa’s party tomorrow.  Everything is lined up and I saw the print of her cake last night, which looked awesome.  I’ve got some finishing touches to put on the video and am hopeful to finish those this morning when she goes out to the gym.  The girls threw her off the party scent by making plans to head to Providence with us tomorrow night.  It’s kind of exciting having this secret that I know is going to bring her joy.  The weather this weekend is unseasonably warm, which will allow us to open up the yard and spread out.  I’m going to clean up out there today and also cut the lawn, which is way overdue.  Thankful for all the folks who are coming and for the chance to do something extra special for my wife.  She deserves it for sure.

11/4/20:  Close to completion on the videos for work yesterday.  Showed Sue the final clips and she liked them.  It’s been a good learning experience for me in navigating the new team, politically.  I got a late night text asking me to push one final edit through, so I have that to deal with today, but am hopeful everyone will leave with a great feeling about the end result and my role in putting it together.  Grateful to have been given this opportunity and hopeful it will result in my official change of teams.

I also made great progress on the video project for Lisa’s bday.  I had time while she went to the gym, then the supermarket.  I got much of it lined up and have a strong working version.  Today I’m planning to spend a couple hours polishing it up, tweaking the transitions and re-ordering pics where necessary.  I’m really enjoying the project, even though I’m having to do it in secrecy for fear of getting caught.  Thankful to have enough creative energy to put this together for Lisa.  Hoping she really feels how much I love her.

11/3/20:  Struggling with balance lately, as evidenced by my inconsistent posting here.  I’ve been really busy finishing the videos for the work project, and also trying to squeeze in time for Lisa’s 50th.  I’ve got most of the details buttoned up now, but still haven’t had enough time to work on the music/video gift I’m putting together.  Mainly, it’s hard to get time alone when she isn’t around so I can focus for a couple hours.  The few times I’ve had a window, I’ve had work meetings or simply been too tired at the end of the day.  Might have a chance today and am looking to work outside the house tomorrow, if all else fails.  Thankful to be busy and productive.

I started the ‘History of Rawkstars” campaign on FB.  The idea is that I’m posting every day in November in an attempt to attract 30+ members to the Fan Club.  That will put us at my original goal of 130, which would be a nice accomplishment for 2020, considering all the ups and downs and challenges I’ve had.  So far so good and I have 5 signups in 3 days.  It’s also a great reminder to me personally about all the great people and projects I’ve been fortunate enough to be part of through the charity.  Truly grateful for Rawkstars and everyone who has made it possible.

Had a good conversation with Bella about school.  She’s considering dropping Calculus as she’s had a tough time juggling it, being home, with work, etc.  I encouraged her to do so and we talked through what her next semester and summer classes might look like.  It’s so great when she opens up and I feel happy that she’s been more willing to talk with me the last few months about stuff like this.  I’m trying to be a better listener and supportive of her decisions instead of trying to fix things for her or be too directive in my advice.  Whatever the reason, it’s awesome to connect with her in this way.

10/31/20:  Productive day at work.  Got the second cut of the exec video from Doga and it looks awesome.  I also got the most recent round of edits from the manager video and it has improved tremendously.  I think they are both well done and compliment each other, which is what I was after.  Few more days to button up and polish things but I’m feeling good about where we are.

After some fits and starts, I was also able to make traction on Lisa’s birthday vid.  I got the master video/audio track from Joe and used it to create a base timeline.  I figured out how to use the software I downloaded and get pics on the timeline, looking the way I wanted and easy to edit.  I got through the first minute of the song while Lisa was cooking and showering.  I’m feeling confident about the project and know I will be able to finish it in the next few days, once I get enough time in private.  Thankful for the feeling of making progress against short term goals.

10/29/20:  Got a bit of time in the studio with Joe.  We worked on the video a bit, but didn’t get full resolution.  He has some chops with the basic edit functions, but it took us a while to get up and running and ultimately, we were only able to sync the video and audio to output that in one file.  It’s a step forward, but still leaves me plenty of work to do this week to get something together.  Still, it’s always nice connecting with Joe and we’ve really become pretty close over the years.  I’m thankful to have made progress and spent a few hours with a friend, even if the outcome wasn’t as productive as I’d hoped.

Connected with Vicky, Sterling, Chris and a few others through work yesterday.  Always have a special place in my heart for those guys.  We were all together when I started and though we don’t do projects together much, we still feel like friends.  I’m glad that being at Hasbro has connected me to those guys and several others that I am happy to have crossed paths with.

Still struggling mightily on the mindful/food side of life.  It’s funny and possibly coincidental, but I’ve been as productive as I’ve been in a long time with work, Rawkstars and taking care of tasks in my life, but I’ve been doing terribly with taking care of myself physically/mentally.  I’m at something of a polar opposite of where I was about 2 months ago, when I was depressed, feeling horribly, but meditating regularly and really controlling my food intake.  I know it wasn’t a good place to be either, but desiring a place of balance, where I can get things done without putting myself on the back burner.  Thankful for the recognition and for another chance to turn the corner.

10/28/20:  Got the catering order in for Lisa’s party finally.  I had been stalling on that and managed to get it crossed off the list.  I also had a call with Alison and Paul about the cake, so that’s also settled.  I’ve got plans to meet Joe tomorrow night to hopefully get the video done, then I’ll be in good shape with everything.  I’ll connect with all the guests once more to ensure everyone feels safe about coming by and confirm their arrival time, etc. but otherwise, I think all the plans are in place.

I connected over teams with Juliet.  It was nice to have someone reach out like that just to say hi.  We always got along well and I was happy to hear from her.  I also got a nice note from Shayna Goldberg about her Rawkstars subscription.  She wants to raise the amount and also did a FB fundraiser for her birthday.  She’s someone I really did not know in High School, but has been super supportive of the charity for the last few years.  Made me feel grateful.

Lastly, I took a bit of time to create a spreadsheet for my planned posting throughout November, which is coming up in a few days.  The idea is to post on FB for 30 straight days in celebration of our 17th anniversary.  I’m going to tell our story in somewhat of a timeline from start to now.  I’m going to ask for 1 supporter per day to join the Fan Club.  If successful, we will be somewhere around 130 by the time December rolls around and that was our original target for 2020.  Fingers crossed and I’m thankful we are even within striking distance, considering the ups and downs of the last year.

10/27/20:  Visited my boss at her house yesterday.  I drove over to capture a voice over that I wanted to have her record for the service anniversary video project.  She had a beautiful home, and it was nice to see her in person.  I also met her husband who was really cool.  He has MS and is in a wheelchair.  We had a nice chat about life, family, gratitude and other things while she was recording upstairs.  It felt good to connect with someone new and he seemed like a really cool guy.  He used to be a personal trainer and I can’t imagine how it must feel to lose the ability to do something you love at such a young age.  It was a good reminder about all I have to be thankful for, including my body, even though I complain about it regularly, and the simple joy of making new friends.

10/26/20:  Went out to breakfast with the kids yesterday for the first time in a while.  Was nice to have a Sunday morning meal together.  We rehearsed in the afternoon, out in the backyard.  It was chilly and I don’t know how many more of those we can do, but I’m grateful to be able to play anytime.  Mike came down and sat in with us, which was awesome.  He had a bunch of the tunes down and having an extra player, especially him, really helped fill up the sound.  Hoping he had fun and wants to come down and do it again.

Saw a first draft of one of the service anniversary videos last night and really liked the direction Doga is going.  He’s. a great editor and storyteller.  I have a ton of work to do this week to get things to where they need to be but looking forward to working on it together.  Thankful to have met those guys and to be working together on this.

10/25/20:  Annual apple pie gala yesterday over at the Kast’s.  Always a good time with plenty of laughs, drinks and of course, overeating.  Not awesome that at age 50 I still lack the discipline to enjoy stuff like this without overindulging, but regardless, I had a fun afternoon.  Doug finally took home the trophy and it was awesome to see him so happy.  Those guys are so sweet and they are gracious hosts.  The kids all came up, which was nice.  Bella brought Alex, which convinced Quincy to tag along.  I know it isn’t really his favorite scene, but he held up ok and was engaged.  Thankful they get to hang out and see us connect with long time friends in that way.  I hope they’ll be fortunate enough to enjoy long-term relationships like that when they are older and it’s nice to have multiple generations together.  Alex had her baby there of course, so there were really 3 generations of friends involved :). Grateful.

10/23/20:  Visited NPA yesterday to shoot some footage of the empty building and some other pics as part of my project.  It was weird but also cool, being there.  It was a great reminder of the coolness of the space, but hard to see it so empty.  I ran into a couple people and it was nice to have the human connection.  Keith was a great sport and helped me with a funny skit I’m hopeful will make the final cut.  Grateful for my company.

Q’s been having some friends over on Friday’s the last few weeks.  I love seeing him spend time with others and see how he’s been able to mature in that area.  He wasn’t always as comfortable around others and I think he’s gotten past much of that and built a really good cohort of friends, like Bella did before.  There’s a couple girls in his crew, as there always seem to have been.  Delci has been around since day 1 and I think it’s really sweet that they’ve been connected all these years 🙂

I got some time scheduled with Joe yesterday to work on cutting the video for Lisa.  I had been struggling with software and my computer lagging behind while rendering video.  I tried to get something going with Josh Purdy, but he’s been too unresponsive for my liking so I reached out to Joe to make a plan.  I’m relieved that I have a plan in place now and I know it’ll be fun working on it together as always.  Thankful that I can put something like this together for Lisa and do it with friends.

10/22/20:  Got the finished mix for the Wings track yesterday.  It sounds great and really captured the performance, without much polish, which is exactly what I wanted.  We played well together and I wanted to preserve that sound and feeling without carving out the humanity.  No matter how many times I get to be in the studio, or which side of the desk I’m on, I’ll never stop being grateful for those days.  It makes me feel good about the life path I chose and the fact that I’ve had so very many amazing experiences through music is simply awesome.

Getting close to wrapping up shooting for the service anniversary project I’ve been working on.  I’ve got 3 final calls today including one with Brian, our CEO.  I’ve been reflecting on the project with tremendous joy.  It’s allowed me to connect, very personally with people from all across the company.  It’s been an exercise in gratitude in that I get to hear their stories of their awesome teams and their own perspective on working for such a great outfit.  I’ve been given a tremendous amount of trust by my teammates, who encouraged me to directly access folks at the most senior levels of the company unencumbered.  I’ve also gotten my creative juices flowing as I make progress and begin to envision what all this can become, along with great partners in Jonas and Doga.  My main hope is that I can make Sue and Frances really shine, by delivering something powerful, heartfelt and funny.  I want to return the gift they’ve given me and reinforce the confidence and productivity that I know is possible for us all to continue working together for many years.

10/21/20:  Day #2 of my re-re-re-start on the 31 day challenge.  Feels good to get through even a couple days of regulated eating and movement.  Trying to breathe and take things one day at a time.

Lisa and I finished watching The Sopranos, for probably the 4th time through.  It’s simply the greatest piece of American cinema that I can think of.  The writing and acting is beyond comparison and to have maintained such a high level of storytelling and execution over 86, hour long episodes is unmatched, imo.  I’m grateful to have experienced it when it was being aired and to live in an era where such great art is instantly available.  Lisa and I both love the show and it was cool to experience it together once again.  RIP Tony, for now.

Spent the better part of this work week interviewing folks for the service anniversary dinner.  It’s been a cool experience to get to know so many new people across the company.   I never would have crossed paths with many of these folks otherwise.  It’s also been nice to connect with some of the highest level execs in the company.  I’m thankful that my new role has allowed me this opportunity and that the team of Sue and Bryony gave me such trust, so quickly.  I’m working my ass off with EmVision to create this thing on the fly, with minimal time and resources.  I really want the project to shine for several reasons including my future work prospects with the teams but also personal pride.  Grateful for the opportunity.

10/20/20:  Simple but important goal of getting through the day eating mindfully and exercising.  Achieved both.  Grateful.

10/18/20:  Low key day at home.  I got out and cut the grass for the first time in a while.  Not out of laziness, but I had it overseeded a couple weeks back and you need to let it sit.  I also watered and we’ve had good amounts of rain, so the lawn has thickened up nicely.  It felt good to move a bit as I’ve been really stagnant, since things picked up at work.  It also felt good to be working in the yard, something I did lots over the spring/summer but not much lately.  Looks good out there and I’m thankful for some time interacting with nature.

I spent some time with my bass and (mostly) learned Double Vision, a new song I’m hoping the band will try out.  Always enjoy sitting down and learning a new song, especially when it turns out not to be too hard and within my range as a player.  Paul came by and dropped off the footage he shot at the studio last weekend.  Now I need to buckle down and start putting together Lisa’s project.  I only have a couple weeks and I’m not an adept editor so it’s gonna take me some time.  I did take an hour and fished out more than enough pics, so I just need time to get the music sync’ed up with the video and start assembling from there.  Thankful for something creative and to be making something for Lisa.

10/17/20:  Received the final (re)payment from OMG in the longstanding dispute I’ve had with them since last year.  Crissy helped immensely.  In fact, I would be most likely still be suffering with no resolution had it not been for her intervention.  It’s an amazing example of how things change with perspective and time.  A year ago, I was riddled with guilt and negative emotions about this situation.  I was embarrassed, angry, frustrated and it was a tremendous drain on me personally and professionally.  I wasn’t sleeping and while I lay awake I was plotting ways I would seek revenge against Jamie, who made me feel as bad about myself as anyone ever has.  With Crissy’s help, I was able to retrieve half of the money and the emotions dissipated almost instantly.  Fast forward to now, and I’ve barely even thought of it once.  As of yesterday, I’ve been made whole financially and also have the great perspective of knowing that even something that hurt me so badly turned out ok in the end.  It’s tremendously gratifying, Rawkstars’ bank account is in great shape and my emotional/life skills have grown by pushing through a negative experience and emerging from it stronger.  Grateful.

10/16/20:  Having good success lately with the approach of having small goals for productivity.  Over the last couple days I managed to cross off my tax forms for Rawkstars, which had been sitting for about 2 weeks needing attention.  I also polished off the final documents and details for my temporary leave.  I delivered a package with baby gifts for Shara, a friend at work and finished some templates for a work project that had been dragging along.  Nothing huge, but I’m feeling productive without having to light the world on fire every day.  Grateful.

We attended Q’s first track meet of the season.  It’s been uneven of course due to Covid, but it was awesome to see him run again.  He did really well, despite going into it thinking he wasn’t in shape.  Proud of his commitment and we get such enjoying from seeing him push himself and succeed.  Awesome kid.  Super thankful.

10/14/20:  Going back to basics and being thankful for the present moment.  Sometimes, when I’m really being mindful, I notice all the little bits of awesome while I’m getting ready in the morning.  The fact that I can turn a knob and immediately get endless hot water to shower.  I smell the soap and think about the people in the factory who made it and brought it to the store for me to buy.  I feel grateful for indoor plumbing and how clean I feel after toweling off with a dry fluffy towel, of which I have dozens.  I brush my teeth slowly and feel how clean they are and how much I take toothpaste and a toothbrush for granted.  I blow my nose on super soft tissue.  I inhale the scent of my deodorant (Tom’s of Maine 🙂 and smile thinking how much I take for granted each day.  I’m so fortunate to live in a time of such convenience, abundance and ease.

It’s really hard to focus on things like this for an extended time, but for whatever reason I’ve been able to develop some ability to connect with the present moment in my morning routine.  Thankful for that.

Super busy day at Hasbro yesterday.  Got the first of the interview series in the can and it felt good to make a bit of progress there.  I also got the template for the Immersive Experience I’m building with Save The Children.  Such an awesome organization and continuing to meet and develop relationships with folks at these places has been revelatory.  I was so sheltered in my prior role that I didn’t realize how much I missed making new connections and how good I am at it.  Grateful for the reminder and for the chance to immerse myself in work for the first time in a while.

10/13/20:  Enjoyed a low key day off / long weekend from work.  In the morning, I took a call for a reference for EmVision.  I was happy to tell about my great experience to a woman looking to hire them.  I told Jonas I was honored to be asked and would help in that way anytime possible.  I connected with a cool woman from a very cool sounding nonprofit that coaches executives to accelerate their growth and then connect them with funders.  Unfortunately, it sounds like they don’t work with charities as small as Rawkstars, but I still made a great personal connection with the woman I spoke with.  Grateful to be able to help Jonas get more business and meet someone cool in the process.

Gave a quick listen to the rough mix from our project the day before and it sounds excellent.  Very simple but tight and polished nonetheless.  I was really happy with where it’s at and it only needs minimal tweaks to finish it off.  Then I can get started trying to put together the video portion.

I took Bella out for a ride, after chatting with her the day before via text.  I could tell something was bothering her and she reached out in her own way, letting me know she needed to talk.  We took a quick drive to this local catering place that I’m thinking of hiring for Lisa’s party.  Just a local Portuguese place.  We drove by and it’s smack dab in the middle of a great little Portagee neighborhood, which made me feel good ;). Afterward, I just drove a bit and got her to open up.  I pulled over at the lake and she finally admitted school was the source of her stress, which I kinda suspected.  She puts a ton of pressure on herself and she hasn’t enjoyed the remote schooling much, which I can relate to.  She got good grades in Physics, but got a C on her chemistry lab portion, which had her really bummed.  We had a good chat and I told her how amazing she is.  I tried not to get too preachy or solution based and just told her how proud we were and how much she’s accomplishing.  I told her the soft skills of being able to communicate, reach out for help, ask questions and make changes in her life are what’s going to carry her, not a letter grade from college.  She sees everything as very competitive, which I can imagine is the world she is immersed in, plus the pressures of social media where everyone appears perfect.  She’s an exceptional kid and juggling a ton, doing really well with most of it.  I think she felt better and after dinner she spent time with us in the living room and we laughed a lot, which was really nice.  Grateful she came to me and that I was able to make her feel some relief.

Lastly, I had a solid day of food intake, for the first time in about a week.  I didn’t make it to the gym as hoped, but I’m thankful for being more mindful on the consumption side, even just for one day.

10/12/20:  As mentioned, we recorded yesterday which turned out great.  No rehearsals, but everyone came prepared and knew their parts.  We setup quickly and took maybe 30 minutes to get sounds.  Then we ran through the song a couple times and played all together live.  Mike, Teresa and I were all in the control room, using the live mix, no headphones.  Jimmy was in the vocal room singing a scratch and Greg was in the studio.  It sounded great right away and we almost had a perfect take on #1.  We ran through it maybe 5-6 times and landed on one that was very solid.  I had to punch in 2 notes right near the end of the song, but it felt good for everyone else so I didn’t want to push for more.  Once we had that done, Jimmy went back in to re-sing one line but Joe told him to just run through the whole song, ostensibly so we’d have a second track to pull any other ‘fixes’ from.  Once Jim started rolling with the backing tracks, he really came alive and sang a full pass that blew away his previous versions.  We kept the entirety of that track and I was blown away at how good it sounded.  Playing with Greg again was cool.  He came totally prepared and needed no direction whatsoever.  It felt really comfortable since I’ve played with him so much I can kinda feel where he is at pretty easily.  That’s one of the first times I’ve had that kind of experience.  I’ve played with Barry and Joe on drums in a few different settings, but Greg is the drummer I’ve played with more than anyone, in our years of Wicked Blue.  It was nice and I told him so.  Mike is a rock on guitar and I also feel very comfortable playing with him.  He’s got such a great feel and makes it easy to sound tight together.  It was the first time I’d played with T and I’m thankful to add her to the list of great musicians I’ve been able to perform with.  Excited to get the song mixed and start putting together some video.  I want to make Lisa feel special on her b-day and realize how much we all love her.

10/11/20:  I typically write about the prior day, but today I’m super excited about heading into the studio to record the song for Lisa’s birthday video.  Me, Greg, Mike, Teresa and Jim are going to record ‘Maybe I’m Amazed’ by Paul McCartney and I’m going to use it to cut a 50th b-day video with pics and some live clips of the band as a celebration of Lisa’s 50 years.  I’ve been getting pumped about it more each day, especially given the sparse musical landscape over the last year.  I treasure any time I get in the studio and in another life, I might have stuck in that business and done very well.  I’ve had to work on the song undercover, since I can’t let her hear me practicing it so much.  So I’ll jam early mornings while she is out running or even just in the shower.  I feel ‘ready’ to pump it out at full volume with other people playing together.  I want us to attempt to record all the instruments in one pass, ‘live’, just like a real band.  We’ll see how it goes but I’m more concerned about the vibe and take than the sonic quality with this project, especially given it’s going to be underneath video.  Grateful for the creative outlet and for such great friends willing to jump in and work with me to make it happen.

10/10/20:  Out to dinner with Lisa last night down at Federal Hill.  We’ve been craving Italian food, probably because we’ve been watching the Sopranos, for like the 5th time around.  Food was solid, but it was great to get out and treat ourselves.  I got kinda dressed up, as I’ve basically been wearing a sweatshirt for about a month straight now.  I love a good sweatshirt, but it feels nice to occasionally get out for a night and wear snazzy clothes.

Grateful for another excellent week at the office.  I’ve hit the ground on the video project and have a big week coming up.  I’ll be conducting interviews with several members of the executive team and some people managers.  It’s great to feel such a connection to the work and be meeting so many new people.  The next few months are going to be busy as hell but I’m happy to be enjoying my daily routine, more than I have in recent memory.

Eating mindfully and regular exercise continue to be a struggle.  I can’t seem to get any momentum in those areas and I’ve felt lethargic and achy as a result.  I should be taking better care of myself and it wasn’t so long ago that I was energized and pleased with the way I looked and felt.  Thankful for my health overall, especially the mental side, but looking to get to a better place of balance and rest there for a while.

10/7/20:  Busy day at work yesterday.  I think I’ve officially got Jonas on board for the Hasbro service anniversary project I’m running.  Excited to work with him again and to be able to throw some business his way.  The project isn’t super lucrative, but it will get him in the door with Hasbro and add them to his client roster at minimum, which has value for sure.  It’s nice feeling some of the ‘pressure’ associated with running projects again.  My calendar is full and I need to focus on execution for the next 2 months for this as well as the GDOJ pieces I’m responsible for.  It’s a nice way to feel engaged and needed, after many months of not having that connection.

Got back on the meditation saddle yesterday after missing a few days.  Food intake was solid but not super mindful.  I continue to struggle with feelings of consumption and it’s been hard to breathe through those.  Another chance to start over today and for that I’m thankful.

Eddie Van Halen passed away yesterday.  Super sad and he was easily amongst the pinnacle of giants of guitar in my lifetime.  VH created so much memorable, moving, timeless music that he will always be part of my life no matter what.  Grateful that I got to feel his presence through music for all these years.

10/5/20:  Finished up an awesome weekend with band practice yesterday afternoon.  Setup outside again, but we are inching closer to a time when that won’t be possible, due to weather.  It was fun and the sound has gotten better each time.  That said, I feel like we are lacking focus, mainly because we aren’t working towards a gig or any other project/performance.  I’m going to try and round people up and see if we can build a proper setlist, and plan a date when we can record ourselves, to at least give us a target to work towards.  Always grateful for time with the band and playing music with such talented, cool people.

10/4/20:  Went out to see a KISS tribute band last night over at The District in Taunton.  Gig was outdoors.  Weather was mild and I must say it felt absolutely great to see/hear live music again.  The place was pretty full and they had a very solid setup/production.  Lisa and I went with Mike, who had mentioned the show a few days ago when I worked at his house.  We saw Tommy D., Perry, Paul Silvia, Jamie and a few others.  It was so nice to socialize with people I don’t see often and to do so with the backdrop of music.  Band were pretty solid and of course KISS is always fun to hear and play.  I read just this morning that music venues in Mass are being allowed to re-open at 50% capacity, which is amazingly good news.  I’ve missed live music probably more than any other activity during the pandemic and seeing these places start to re-open is a godsend, for a return to being together.  Thankful.

In the morning, I ran 5k.  Lisa had mentioned it the night before so I had it planted in my head.  I heard Bella get up and leave for work early and it kinda motivated me to get up and out.  My run was actually pretty solid.  I kept an even pace and good form through most of the run and finished with something left in the tank.  Grateful I was able to channel my motivation and start the day with a run.

After we got back from the gig, I predictably overate.  We didn’t have any dinner, which of course left me feeling like I had a free pass to eat, even though I didn’t feel super hungry.  I drank too much, which is always fuel on the fire for overeating and that’s what happened.  New day today and aiming to reset, as always.

10/3/20:  Took a semi-impromptu drive to the White Mountains yesterday with Lisa.  We left before lunch and as we got more north, rain really started coming down.  I generally don’t check ahead on weather for some reason, and didn’t even consider it when I suggested we take the ride.  I really wanted to see the foliage and get out of town, if even just for a day.  We wound up pulling off the highway at Concord and found a little place where we grabbed lunch.  Downtown Concord is beautiful!  At the restaurant, we were able to sit at the bar, so I jumped at the chance for that, since those haven’t been available in Mass for a super long time.  We ordered a few drinks and some food and had a nice conversation.  It felt good to simply be there.  I didn’t worry about the rain or if we would continue north or just turn around and head home.  We ate, drank and talked and just enjoyed the moment.  After a while, we got back in the car and I decided to go for it, and we continued north.  The weather was better and the leaves got progressively nicer as we drove.  We jumped off at route 49, which is a loop just south of the Kancamangus Hwy.  We enjoyed the scenery and stopped at a river to walk around and I snapped a few pictures.  We took it slow for a bit and then just headed back.  Nothing fancy, but I really enjoyed the time.  Listened to music in the car and had a change of scenery, which is nice, considering how little of that we have had recently.  Grateful for the cheap, easy option of jumping in my car and going someplace beautiful.  For the simple pleasure of sitting at a bar with Lisa and having food and drinks.  For the option of being a bit creative and taking pics, with a camera that is always available in my pocket.  For living.

Q had some friends over and I made them a backyard fire.  Nice to see him socialize.  He has a good crew, like Bella did growing up.  Good kids with good parents.  Thankful for his progression socially and that he’s surrounding himself with quality people.

I oversnacked after dinner, but brought myself back from the edge before it got too bad.  Feeling ready to start a new day today, feeling thankful for my health.

10/2/20:  Day 4 of solid eating and moving.  Feeling better and proud of myself for taking things one day at a time.  Got myself to the park for a solitude walk.  The weather was amazing and it was great to be outside and feel alive.

Work was a bit unproductive yesterday, but I took care of some small tasks that were satisfying.  I dug in a bit on ‘Maybe I’m Amazed’, which I’m going to be recording next weekend as part of Lisa’s birthday present.  I’m gonna put together a slideshow with photos of course, but want to record the music instead of using a canned track.  I’ve got players from our circle that have been part of Lisa’s 4 bands over the years.  I’ll play bass, Mike on guitar, Greg on drums and Teresa on piano.  I’ve got Jimmy and Dave teed up to sing and would like to try and get Bella and Jerry to lay down some backup vocals in an effort to include more people.  Anyways, I spent an hour or so with the song and worked out most of it while Lisa was at the gym.  Grateful to have something musical on the radar and a creative project to work on to make Lisa feel special.

10/1/20:  Weird day yesterday after we awoke to no power.  There was a wind storm during the night and Matt’s tree across the street came down.  It was early and I had some calls, so I texted Mike and asked if he had power.  He did and I went to his place to piggyback on his wifi.  I figured ours would come back soon enough, but as the day progressed, it never did.  So I stayed there for nearly the whole day.  It was a productive day of meetings, etc. and it was kinda nice to get out of the home office for a day.  I was able to sit outside on his deck, we had lunch, coffee, music and of course chatted in between meetings.

I worked with Jamie to get her first Rawkstars newsletter out yesterday, just before the end of the month.  She did a pretty good job, but I had to push her at the 11th hour to reformat some of the text elements.  It’s been good having her around and I’m thankful to keep up with the ability to pay someone for their help in making RS better.  We got a new signup for the Fan Club and I also heard from Sue Kast about her annual HPHC community grant, which is also awesome news.  We’ve been able to retain our bank account at + $20k for the last couple months and I’m hopeful we can make it through the end of 2020 at that minimum.  Q4 is going to be a big opportunity for us to get that Fan Club number up and we are targeting the original 130 as the goal.  Thankful to be in striking distance and for some energy and help in Q4 to try and achieve it.

3rd solid consecutive day on the 31 day challenge.  I didn’t get to the gym, due to the power outage thing mentioned above, but I did eat mindfully and feel better than I did just a few days ago.

9/30/20:  Another great day at work yesterday.  As mentioned previously, the idea and opportunity to join this group was a literal saving grace for me.  A few weeks in and I can confidently say the actual experience has exceeded the impossibly high bar I had emotionally set.  I’m spending my days engaged, energized and genuinely connected to the work.  The team has been more than welcoming and the culture and chemistry within the group is honest and heartfelt.  Operationally, the projects are directly in my wheelhouse and I’ve been able to dive into multiple project streams both as a contributor and as a leader, without resistance.  In addition to contributing, I’m also learning.  Both from the partners I’m meeting with as well as the internal team members.  Considering where I was a month ago, I couldn’t have imagined that amount of suffering would lead me to what just might be my Dream Job.  It’s a concept I’ve considered for many years and even read books about.  I’m trying to let things simmer and take it day by day, but couldn’t be more grateful for Hasbro, Dolph, Kevin and others opening this door to what is possible.

9/29/20:  Day #1 of the 31 day challenge reset.  Felt good to get through the day taking care of myself.  I went to the gym during lunch and did 3+ miles on the elliptical.  Was nice to get a sweat going and be around the gym atmosphere.  Ate mindfully and refrained from snacking after dinner.

During the morning, I took care of lots of small items on my todo list.  I paid some bills related to our self-directed IRA, I got confirmation (finally!) about our wire transfer for the mortgage payoff, I called the insurance company and Dr. Gagnon’s office continue to tie up some loose ends regarding my claim and finished writing copy for the upcoming Rawkstars newsletter as well as made a playlist for the same purpose.  I also got a report over to my accountant to complete the Rawkstars tax filings.  I had been procrastinating on this specific point for a month.

It continues to feel good to make small bits of progress and not worry about any so called ‘big’ things.  That’s always been a trap for me, and lately I’ve been noticing when things turn that way.  For example, I had been getting excited about buying a new hot tub, after ours crapped out a couple seasons back.  I hadn’t wanted to spend that much money with all the other things over the last year+.  Since we cleaned up our finances recently, we have a bit of cash set aside and lower bills going forward.  I was already 80% down the path to buying one and I caught myself.  I realized it won’t make us happier, even though we would surely enjoy having it for the next few months especially.  Instead, I’m taking equal comfort in continuing down the path we started to save and replenish our reserves with the newfound capacity.  It’s also now something I can stop thinking about and planning for, which is also nice.  I want to keep taking it day by day and refrain where possible from making big changes.  I’m content and happy with what I have and where I am in life and I want to marinate in it and enjoy it for as long as possible.  Thankful for some restraint and recognition.

9/28/20:  Taught Q how to shave yesterday :). He’s had a little mustache brewing for the last few months and asked me to show him how to shave.  We went downstairs to our bathroom and I took him through the process.  Nothing complicated or lengthy, but it was kind of a cool father/son little moment that made me smile.

Later in the afternoon, he and I also went apple picking.  I had to make an appointment, due to covid, which I did the day before.  I’m determined to get out and do some of the fall stuff we skipped last year for some reason.  Lisa is still kinda hurting with her leg and didn’t seem too interested so Q jumped in and went with me.  The orchard was somewhat sparse, but we had fun and filled up our bag quickly.  I love the process of collecting apples and of course eating a bunch along the way to see which ones taste best.  We bought a pumpkin to take home and got ice cream afterward.  Simple, wholesome time together with the boy, for which I am grateful.

Food continues to be an issue these past 2 weeks.  I’m gaining back some of the losses I experienced the last 3 months and feeling crummy physically.  I made a pledge to re-start my 30-day challenges today and try to right the ship until I do.  I removed the old papers I had on the window that represented my successful period.  I replaced it with a new blank page, which I will begin working on today.  I also want to try and get a better routine this week to incorporate both exercise and meditation in a bit more predictable fashion, instead of leaving it to the whim of each day.  Hoping some semblence of regular timeslots will help me get traction.  Thankful for the willingness to try again.

9/27/20:  Took the family and Alex out to the Portuguese place for dinner.  We all got the bifana, which I had been craving and was really good!  It was nice to go out for a change and get something kinda special.

During the afternoon, I started to rally some people for a small party for Lisa’s 50th.  I had been stalling all over the place between covid, no vacations, spending money and not really knowing what’s ‘best’.  Anyhow, I decided on having a small group of people over to the house.  I got in touch with some folks and they are all interested/excited.  I want Lisa to feel special for a change.  She doesn’t get enough of that and deserves some attention.  I also ordered a JAWS themed cake from Alison and Prof, which I think she will dig too.  Lastly, I’m planning a music/video tribute and have some folks lined up to record a song with me, to use as the music bed.  Should be cool and will be nice to work on something creative for a change.

We took a short walk in the afternoon, notable only because we haven’t been getting out all week.  I haven’t exercised since last weekend when I did the birthday run/ride and Lisa has been laid up with a bag leg for about 2 weeks.  It’s funny, but we seem to align on stuff like this more often than not.  When one of us is going badly, the other sometimes follows.  In any case, it was nice to get something like that going, even slowly.  I’m going to try and right the ship with my food/exercise routine this week.  I plan to get a gym cadence going now that my work life is settling back in.  I need to retain all the positive momentum I’ve built over the last 3 months and not let it go to shit.  Grateful for the willingness to pay attention and get back on the horse as many times as is necessary.

9/26/20:  Finished my first full week back at Hasbro yesterday after a partial week previously.  I must say it was pretty darn good.  I had a fairly full calendar most days without feeling overloaded.  I got a lot of enjoyment from many of the meetings.  I connected with lots of folks at some great organizations and learned a good amount about the folks in my group.  We had a in-person lunch one day, which was awesome.  I’ve been included on multiple project threads that I am already contributing to.  I feel super welcomed by everyone and I’m learning some things.  Grateful for not only returning to normal, but having the work side of things surpass even where I had been before.

Spontaneously connected with Barry Wong yesterday.  I learned he is still at what’s left of UP and we jumped on a call with Emily Conway, who is also still consulting there.  It was really cool to see and talk to both of them.  It was a special crew there and I still hold so many fond memories and friendships from the 7.5 years I spent at the company.  Barry is a super sweet guy and it felt good to talk with them both.  Thankful I’ve had so many great work experiences during my life.  It’s been an honor to hold some of the unique positions I’ve held as well as being part of some incredible organizations.

9/25/20:  Took care of a few small tasks that I’ve been procrastinating on.  One was calling Gagnon to chase down some paperwork for the insurance company, who is supposed to pay my short term disability claim.  It’s not much money, but I’m trying to be transparent with the whole ordeal and get everyone all the bits of info they need, so I can move on.  I got a callback from the office and she said she would have it sorted out by today and call again to confirm.

I also emailed my accountant for Rawkstars, Harmon.  He asked me for some follow up info to complete the 2020 filings.  I had gotten him most of what he needed but over the last 10 days haven’t mustered the energy to compile the more detailed list by exporting it from QBO.  I asked Donna for some help and she offered to take care of it.

Lastly, I communicated with my therapist, Deb.  I had to cancel my last two appointments, since I’ve returned to work.  She is a bit difficult personally and I feel a bit awkward talking with her, which isn’t a great trait for a therapist ;). In any case, I’m keeping up my end of the bargain and got back to her to explain things.  I definitely think continuing with therapy is a good idea, but I’ll need to dig in more and research to find someone more suited to what I’d like.

Funny how sometimes small things weigh heavily and cause us to let them linger, which only adds to their weight.  In any case, I am grateful to have crossed these items off and continue moving forward with new things.

Over the past few days, we had some new signups on the Rawkstars Fan Club.  Most of it came from a FB post Lisa added for my birthday.  It’s always a good feeling to see folks support the cause so generously and to see us inching closer to 100 subscriptions, after what’s been a tough stretch by any measure.  Jamie is also making progress on RS business.   She began posting on Instagram and FB this past week and has a newsletter formatted for the end of this month.  She’s a hard worker and I’m glad to have her on board for as long as I can afford to keep her.  It’s a tiny glimpse into what could be possible with a bit of support and energy from someone besides me.  It’s actually made me a bit more engaged as well to have a few deadlines to meet and keep her on track.  Grateful.

9/24/20:  Got introduced to Save the Children yesterday through a work project.  That continues to be a pattern, meeting awesome people from awesome charity orgs during my day.  I’m taking on a project to create ‘immersive experiences’ with 4 of our key partners as part of the annual Hasbro Global Day of Joy.  It’s a big responsibility, especially in a year when the GDOJ is going to be a bigger challenge than normal.  We are taking much of the experience online, due to covid and are trying to be creative with how we can do something engaging for employees that brings a sense of community and charity, without being too passive and screen oriented.  I’m grateful and honored to have been given such a big project and equally grateful that I am connecting with folks at these charities to learn and be inspired by their ethic.

Finally got some resolution (hopefully) on the saga of the mortgage payoff.  It took me 2+ weeks but I think the funds have been properly transferred and debited from my account.  Waiting now to get the payoff letter and a rebate of my escrow funds.  I also paid off (temporarily) the equity line I had open.  Since I reserved a bunch of money for taxes and December’s tuition payment to Assumption, I decided to use the funds to pay this down to zero so we aren’t being charged interest in the short term.  I continue to be thankful for our financial position at the moment and the newfound flexibility with having cut our bills fairly deeply.

Continuing to feel good mentally and even keeled from day to day.  I’ve had a couple bouts of frustration and even mild anger, which actually feel good.  During the prior period of depression, those were not feelings I was capable of.

9/23/20:  Continued to get some nice messages from people wishing me happy birthday.  It’s been kinda nice to hear from so many folks and read their kind words.

I got some real satisfaction yesterday from reconfiguring my desk/office/music area.  I picked up a monitor from Hasbro the day before and in teh afternoon, I cleared off my whole desk, cleaned it and removed tons of cables.  I moved the mixer off the desk so I could fit more screens.  In doing so, I took out all the mic cables and took out my unused snake.  That allowed me to use fewer cables and neaten things up a lot.  Now I have a much better setup at the desk and it feels more conducive to working.  Lisa was laughing at me but doing stuff like this is kinda my ‘happy place’.  Cabling, neatening and making the space more useful are all things I dig.

Continuing to really enjoy the new role at Hasbro.  I’m spending my days learning about non-profit partners and connecting with people who are like-minded.  I’ve taken point on a couple projects and contributing already.  It feels great and the team has been so welcoming.  I’m also not doing any administrative process stuff as of yet, which is also a nice change.  I’m guessing if I’m lucky enough to join the team permanently, some of that might be helpful but for now, I’m steering towards the hands-on project work in front of me.

Graetful as hell for this chance and for bringing joy back into my life.

9/22/20:  50+ 1 day.  Continued to get some nice messages from friends on FB and via text.  Made me feel good to hear from so many cool people that have been part of my life.  Had a better day of food intake, though not perfect.  Got out and mowed the grass even though I didn’t feel like it.  Continued the streak of good days with the new role and still feeling really positive about things at work.  I went and picked up some monitors from the office and today I plan to re-orient my desk.  Again.  Grateful for another day above ground and for holding on to the feelings of love in my life.

9/21/20:  50!?  I hadn’t been too twisted up on the idea of turning 50, but must admit it’s felt a bit weird.  The day before I got my bike ready and assembled all my gear and clothes.  I got up early, around 7 and took a quick shower and headed out.  Q heard me putting my shoes on and came out of his room to wish me luck.  He’s such a sweet kid and I was happy to see him for a few minutes.  I drove down to the park and it was really cold out, like 43 degrees.  I was a bit unprepared for such temperatures, but fortunately I wore a windbreaker, which helped a bit.  The ride was decent.  My toes and fingers were really cold and my back/hip started barking almost immediately.  I’ve been dealing with that for about 10 days now and no matter how much I stretch or try to work it out, it hasn’t subsided.  I was determined it wouldn’t stop me and it wasn’t bad enough to give up.  The path was quiet that time of morning, which was kinda nice.  The extra few miles beyond my usual ride didn’t make much difference and I felt I rode about my normal pace.

Jumping off the bike at the turnaround was rough.  I took a minute to strap the bike to my car, ditch my helmet and gloves and grabbed a quick bite of a Clif Bar and some water.  Immediately, I realized how hard it was gonna be to ease into the run after riding 20 miles.  My breathing was at a different cadence and my legs felt really heavy.  I felt like my pace was ultra slow and it was going to be a struggle from the get go.  It kinda was, but I managed to continue on.  I was proud of myself for finishing and I grabbed a latte at Borealis, which makes great coffee.  I drove home feeling proud of the accomplishment.  I spent the last 3 months losing weight and kicking up my exercise and it paid off.  Grateful for my body, even though it’s far from perfect and has brought me a lot of suffering over the years.  It’s still working, in some ways better than ever and I am thankful it’s mine.

In the afternoon, I sent out some tribute donations for a few people.  Aaron, Kevin and Dolph from work.  And Rizz and Ed.  All those people have really helped me in these last months and made a big impact on my life.  I chose charities specific to each of them and made a gift in their honor.  I’m thankful I’m in position to help others financially and to connect with folks who I admire and respect through philanthropy.

I rested most of the day and watched some football.  Lisa and I went grocery shopping and did some other errands.  Ben gave me a donation for Rawkstars.  We ordered BBQ for dinner and played Scrabble.  It was nice to spend a day doing normal things and feeling gratitude for simply being.

After dinner, the kids played a video they had made for me.  It was set to music and had pictures of me from over the years.  It was very sweet and moving.  They obviously put a lot of work and time into it and I’m honored to be their dad.  All in all it was a tremendous day and I have so much to be grateful for.  The turn of perspective over the last 6 weeks is not lost on me and I feel most grateful of all for that.

9/19/20:  Went out with the guys to Lanzetta’s place for a hang last night.  Of course it was plenty of laughs.  I had framed it up with everyone that it was a 60th for Mike, and didn’t really mention my own b-day.  Jon got Cape Cod pizza of course and was a great host as usual.  We used to do those hangs regularly over the years but recently it’s fallen off.  Felt good to see those guys and we all love each other very much.  I overdid it with the food and drinking, and wound up having a terrible night’s sleep.  Drinking just doesn’t agree with me anymore and although I don’t do it often, I still get caught up in social situations and occasionally overdo it.  Today is a new day to wipe the slate and I feel grateful that I got to spend some time with my close friends and that we remain in each other’s lives after all these years.

Still having trouble sorting out this bill payment for my mortgage with South State and Citizens.  South State has closed my account and tells me my loan is paid in full.  However Citizens has not debited my account for the $36k, even after 10 business days.  I’ve been going in circles over the phone with both sides and getting nowhere.  I’m sure it will get sorted at some point, but I’m making a decision to leave Citizens after many years once it’s cleared up.  I want to use a local bank with an actual human being there who can help me personally when I need them.

Grateful to be back to the point of having ‘normal’ problems in life instead of being caught in my own thoughts and disconnected from reality.  One more day in my 40’s.

9/18/20:  Missed posting yesterday but had a 3rd consecutive day with walking and eating well.  I weighed in this morning as well and registered 231.  I was kinda surprised as I feel more bloated these last several days and as described have not been eating well.  I take the scale results with a grain of salt and understand it’s fluid, at best.  My clothes are still fitting well and I’m adjusting to a new body size and feel.  Grateful to be in a better place than I was a few months ago.

Had another awesome day with the new group at the office.  Meeting everyone in team sessions as well as 1:1.  I can’t say enough about how it has changed my outlook and day to day feeling of happiness.  I’ve already gotten insight on a few projects I will be leading and/or contributing to and am excited for all the little bits of progress.  It’s awesome to be part of a team that is so well connected on the chemistry side and also to feel like I’m able to be ‘hands-on’ again with project work.  Supremely thankful for this opportunity.

Received a deposit in the bank from the TDI claim I have been tracking these last 5 weeks.  Not sure how to reconcile the amounts with my partial work checks, but our financial position is strong.  We have more cash in the bank than we’ve had in recent months, plus we have cash on hand for the second semseter payment at Bella’s school and even set aside enough for the tax hit we will see next year.  Starting next month, we should also see a much better cash flow going forward having paid off the mortgage, Lisa’s car and other financial cleanup we’ve done.  Again, thankful for being in such a good monetary position.

9/16/20:  Solid / mindful food day.  That’s #1 and I’m grateful for succeding on that front.  I also got to the park for the first time in a while and walked the loop with Q.  I dabbled a bit on the work front and met with Kevin and Bryony about my new role.  They were great and I got to know Bryony a bit more.  I’ve spent a good amount of time with Kevin, but only interactied with her once.  I got a good vibe and look forward to learning from them and contributing quickly.  Bit of anxiety getting closer to sitting at the desk again, but in a normal way.  Butterflies, is more like it.

I set a goal to take care of small things.  I was able to get images to Jamie for the RS newsletter and also called the insurance company about my disability claim.  My checks have been light the last couple cycles and I honestly can’t keep track of how it’s supposed to be funded.  There is part from the state of RI, part from the short term insurance company and I guess part from Hasbro.  It’s a ton to try and keep track of and manage, but I left another VM about my claim and that was another item on my todo list I crossed off.

I’m trying to get to the point where I can make small goals for my day and focus on simply making those happen.  I don’t need a high impact project to have a good day.  I don’t need to make things happen so much as I just need to make small steps forward and enjoy the process while keeping my health top of mind.

9/15/20:  Another poor day of non-mindful eating.  Can’t seem to get evened out, but grateful for another chance today to try.

Met Bruce and Cindy for lunch down in Newport.  They don’t have much to do while they’re in town, so we drove down to meet them for a couple hours.  It was nice to catch up and Bruce graciously picked up the check.  They’re a great couple and they invited us down to Florida for a visit this winter, which they have done in the past.  Maybe this year we can take them up on it?

Had my follow up with Gagnon yesterday.  Went well and I told him about all the progress I’ve made, job-wise, etc.  Of course he was glad to hear that I’m feeling so much better.  He gave me a note to start back at Hasbro as of tomorrow.  I had 2 meetings already planned on the calendar for today, so I’m planning to keep those appointments regardless.  I’m planning to take care of a couple Rawkstars tasks today which I have been procrastinating on, so I can at least feel like today will be a productive ‘work-day’.  I also want to write up a bit of a routine for myself to begin following.  I do well when I can get into patterns and with the new role, etc. I want to get off to a good start and set myself up for success.  I definitely plan to include a scheduled time for meditation as well as exercise, writing and stretching as part of my new daily routine.  Instead of winging it, as I have been doing for too long.  I want to honor the time and set aside specific windows of time to take care of those things so I won’t lose focus.

Q started remote schooling yesterday.  It’s nice for him to also now have more of a routine during the day.  He’s basically been unscheduled for much of the last 7 months.  Outside of the last few weeks of running with his friends and scattered classes last year, he hasn’t had any structure.  Seems like this year is going to be more regimented online which is a positive.  I’m also feeling momentum in the world for kids getting back into at least part-time school in person.  Really hopeful that comes to fruition asap and we can continue the march towards getting people back in the same spaces together.  I need that on the work front big time and I know many others do as well.

9/14/20:  Family party on Saturday for GiGi’s 99th, plus my 50th.  Typical family party :). Bruce and Cindy came, as they happened to be in town and I extended the invite.  Randy was of course, pissed and acted that way throughout the day.  He refused to shake hands and openly displayed his displeasure.  I wish there were some way to reach him in a positive way that wouldn’t result in anger and might get him on a path to feeling more happy.  I honestly don’t know what he could possibly have against Bruce, considering he was a little kid when he moved to Florida and Randy literally knows nothing about him other than he was our dad’s brother.  Otherwise, we made lobsters and steak and celebrated Nana.  She is an amazing woman and we all love her tremendously.  Bruce and Cindy were genuinely happy to meet her and connect a bit with my mom as well.

Had my latest follow up with Gagnon and got the all clear to return to work this week.  As it’s gotten closer, I’ve had some nerves about it, but in a ‘normal’ kind of way.  I’ll probably have some awkward moments with the old team and others, but besides the feelings that would come from returning to work after a long absence or changing jobs, I feel it’s time to try and get back on the horse.  It’s also a short week, so it should be a good opportunity to restart and see how it goes for a few days.

Eating continues to be a ‘thing’ for me and not in a good way.  I’ve been easy on myself because of everything else swirling and in some ways, food struggling is normal for me.  That said, I’m definitely on tilt a bit and need to right the ship.  Aiming to get into a better routine alongside the return to work and have discipline throughout the day with exercise and intake.

Grateful overall to be at this precipice.  A few short weeks ago I would have given anything to feel normal, so I’m keeping that top of mind above all else.

9/12/20:  Band practice last night.  It was super FUN.  I wasn’t worried about how I/we played and just went into it feeling loose and enjoyed it.  Of course we sounded decent, and tried a new song, which went well.  Everyone hung out a bit afterward and we made some burgers and had a beer.  It felt good to just hang with people without pressure or overabundance.

Got a walk in the morning after dropping Q off at cross country practice.  I stayed over in Raynham and walked the 3.25 mile fun-run course.  It felt good to get a walk in, especially in the morning when it was mellow and quiet.  My body got really stiff later in the afternoon and my back has been barking at me since.  Tried stretching and rolling and again today.  Thankful that I can still move around fairly well as I know many cannot.

9/11/20:  Noticed that I am feeling ‘normal’ emotions lately.  Annoyance, impatience, anger, etc.  It’s actually a positive development.  It’s not that they are taking over or anything, but I haven’t felt any of these in several weeks so I’m taking it as a sign of continued movement towards being myself.

Continued with some of the ‘nesting’ activities and worked on Bella’s room a bit more.  Added 2 more shelves and it’s really shaped up.  I’m going to bring home a couple of computer monitors to expand on the desk setup we have.  I want her to have the best experience possible while she is taking classes here at home.

I had a semi-random Fan Club signup yesterday, which hasn’t happened in a while.  It was a friend from work who I had spoken with probably 2 months ago.  She didn’t signup at the time, but I saw her subscription yesterday.  It was a nice little pick me up and I know in the coming weeks, I plan to ramp up my activity level in an attempt to get to the 135 tier I started with as my first goal.

I also had a zoom call with John V. who runs the GBKF that gifted Rawkstars $15k last year.  I setup the time because I wanted to follow up with him on what we achieved with the funding they provided.  He’s a great guy and seemed genuinely impressed with all the progress we’ve made.  I walked him through all the operational changes on the RS side, updated him on the Fan Club, told him about our internship through Q4 and showed him the GBB trailer.  He asked a lot of questions and was taking notes throughout.  I got the impression he was considering ways of helping us potentially fund more work, particularly on the GBB side.  Not sure how things might go, but I intend to follow up with Dave Y. and see if we can have a conversation about continuing to work together, now that we have an established track record.  Could be the gateway to helping us continue to build momentum all around and bring in new funding sources with their network.

I’m inching closer to returning to Hasbro and it’s a bit scary to think about.  I know the first few days may be awkward and I’m not sure how I will reconnect with people, especially the old team members.  I’m not worried about acclimating to the new group and am looking forward to that part.  Revisiting what happened to me over the last several weeks will be difficult and I’m not sure how it will make me feel in the moment.  Still, I’m going to embrace getting over this hump, as I know it’s part of the process to get myself back on track.

9/10/20:  Another mindful day of eating, though I did not get any exercise in.  Continued the trend of cleaning up.  Brought Doug’s old mountain bike back to him, picked up a lobster pot for the weekend and dropped off my router to Fios.  I also got some shelving installed in Bella’s room, put in new shades and brought a storage rack up for her.  Trying to help her get a better room/school setup which is a challenge with such a small space.  It looks better and she has gotten on the bandwagon with getting rid of some old stuff too.  I also bought Q a desk and chair for his room, in an effort to ensure he also has a good learning environment and is comfortable while ‘distance learning’ continues.

I dropped a note to Kevin at the office today letting him know I am on track to return on Tuesday.  It’s a bit stressful thinking about it, but I’m also excited to take the next step towards returning to ‘normalcy’.  It’s been an interesting journey over the last several weeks.  While I was feeling the depression hard, I couldn’t go beyond a few hours per day, just trying to get through the mornings and afternoons mostly.  I was uncomfortable simply being and in a constant state of worry.  Over the last week or so, since my state has returned to previous feelings, I’ve been able to relax and enjoy the slow pace and lifestyle of not being at work.  I know that can’t last indefinitely, but it’s nice to have an example of downtime that I can point to where I felt ok simply being everyday, without feeling anxious.

Grateful for being able to feel happiness, in simply existing and with what I have around me.  Grateful to be helping the kids improve their living situations and make them more comfortable while they are unable to return to school.

9/9/20:  Had a solid eating day yesterday.  Also got out for a run in the morning.  I’ve been driving Q to his track practices and I decided to stick around and run while he did his thing.  I managed 5k, running around the HS track.  It was a hard run, in full sun and I was dehydrated.  That said, I was proud of myself for pushing through the desire to stop early and make the full 12+ laps.  I’ve got my birthday run coming up soon and need to make sure I am in shape enough to accomplish that.  Grateful for the motivation from Quincy, following his lead.

Yesterday was Nana’s 99th birthday.  Can’t believe it.  She is such an amazing person.  I literally cannot recall seeing her angry, stressed or negative.  I called her and we chatted for a bit.  She is still cogent even though she can’t hear well and sometimes repeats what we already talked about.  I love her a great deal and am thankful she is still around with us and got to know the kids for so long.  We are having a celebration on Saturday, to celebrate her.

Paid off the mortgage yesterday!  After waiting over the long weekend for my IRA funds to clear the bank, they finally arrived.  I got the payoff amount and made the transaction right away.  Feels good, though I also notice how anti-climactic it was.  I’ve been thinking about this day for so long, and expected to feel more delight than I did.  Goes to show how wired we are for external gratification and how fleeting it truly is.  Regardless, I’m proud of the accomplishment of paying the house off, even before my 50th birthday.  It represents a lot of hard work and focus in saving, as opposed to borrowing or spending along the way.  Along with the other recent financial cleanup we have done, we have managed to lower our monthly bills by at least $2,000, if not slightly more.  I look forward to seeing if we can save that extra money and put it towards paying off some other debts and getting even lower on the monthly cash flow requirements.

Lots to be grateful for.

9/8/20:  Succumbed to the ice cream last night, after writing about it yesterday.  Today is a new day and I’m aiming to eat mindfully, just for today.

Continued with the life cleanup stuff yesterday.  Started the day by emptying the entire shed and cleaning the heck out of it.  I got rid of a huge pile of junk over in the PV dumpster.  Then I bought some organization racks and hooks at Home Depot and came back to re-organize the whole thing.  It looks great.  Everything fits nicely and is accessible.  Felt good and I’ve been getting lots of enjoyment from the process.  Lisa also started going through some stuff in the crawl space.  She got rid of some junk also, but uncovered a treasure trove of old stuff too.  She found a pile of old concert shirts I saved from the bands I toured with.  Really cool to see some of them and excited that some may actually fit me!  I don’t have a ton of stuff from my time growing up, but I have saved a few boxes of music related things, which clearly mean a lot to me.

Planning to clean the cars today, something I always enjoy doing.  Also aiming to take Q for his Tuesday run and join him, as I haven’t been in a good pattern of exercise lately.  Fingers crossed and grateful to at least have a plan in place to try and follow.

Met with Jamie yesterday and reviewed her progress over the last 10 days or so.  She is cool and I look forward to making actual progress with her, especially taking over the newsletter and social media duties.  She is scheduled to meet with Rachel from Market Monkeys today as well.  My hope is together they can really make some good progress on tools, processes and strategies to bump RS up a level by the end of this year.

9/7/20:  Got myself motivated and did some much needed cleanup in the back yard.  I got rid of an old trash pile, burned some cardboard boxes, weeded, blew the patio clean of debris, moved the area rugs around and trimmed the bushes.  It was nice to spend a couple hours moving and enjoying the beautiful weather by myself.  It was also nice to see how neat everything looked once I finished.

It was also a day of financial cleanup.  I did some investigating on car insurance and found us a new policy that will save us over $200 per month!  That’s no small chunk and we start with the new vendor this week.  I also downgraded our Sirius subscription (-$10), I made some changes to our cable bill (-$25), cancelled my WOW membership (-$15) and found an overcharge on my credit card for the Waking Up app (-$15) — that’s $265 per month off our bills.  I’m still waiting for my IRA distribution and once that comes in I plan to eliminate Lisa’s car payment (-$225) and of course our primary mortgage.  That will cut our payment to taxes/insurance which I think will result in about $1,500 a month in savings.  In total we should be down in excess of $2k per month in bills!  The idea will be to take that money and put it into a savings vehicle for as long as we can to rebuild our reserves.  We’ll also still have about $10k leftover from the IRA to use towards more bills or simply padding our cash accounts in case of emergency.  Thankful for the energy to make these change and for the flexibility of having some places from which to draw for immediate financial improvements.

Eating was decent, but I continue to struggle with nighttime cravings.  I’ve been eating lots of bread lately, which I think is contributing to my bodily cravings.  I was able to hold myself off from doing ice cream after dinner, but just barely.  Grateful for at least a few minutes of strength that kept me from doing something I didn’t need/want.

9/6/20:  Continuing the pattern of feeling ‘like myself’.  I can’t say enough how much difference the last week has made for me.  Since connecting with Kevin and Dolph, I feel like a different person.  I am targeting next Tuesday as my return to work day to begin with the new team.  Guessing as it gets closer I’m going to experience some anxiety but am determined to breathe through it and become a productive, healthy, happy employee again.

Got a 10+ mile ride in yesterday.  New wheel on the bike felt great and it was nice to be outside.  The weather lately has been great.  Fall is most definitely in the air, but the days are still sunny and the nights cool.

We went by Mike’s place in the late afternoon for a cookout.  Saw the Wabreks, Jerry and Kevin which was really cool.  I had a couple beers for the first time in a while and enjoyed myself, while managing to relax and avoid the food temptations.

9/5/20:  I apologized to Bella yesterday for our argument the prior day.  It felt good to reconnect with her and let her know how much I love and support her choices.  I told her that I just wanted to make sure she was happy and doing ok.  As her dad, and being me, I’m wired to want to help solve problems.  I need to learn to be a better listener instead of an advice giver.  That way she will know I’m there for her when needed, but not trying to tell her what to do with her life.  Thankful to have such a great kid.

Lisa went on an overnight with her girlfriends.  Q and I had a short walk to the school and we talked about the ‘Freakonomics’ book he is reading for school.  It’s awesome seeing him actually read something as he is very averse to books.  I took the kids for ice cream after dinner and then Q and I had a fire in the backyard for a while.  It was really nice to be outside with such low humidity and no bugs!

I had a meeting with the women at Monkey Marketing, who have offered some support with RS and GBB.  I’ve got Jamie officially on board and she has been working for nearly 2 weeks now.  These guys are more expert in these areas and are going to provide some oversight for Jamie and I for the next 3 months.  They had some great ideas and energy and I’m hopeful my investment will pay off this time.  I didn’t sign any agreements and I certainly won’t be pre-paying anyone, after learning my lesson with the last vendor.  I’m willing to commit a much smaller amount of money and take Q4 to see how things go.  I’m grateful for another kick at the can, regarding getting RS to a better place with a foundation that can move forward in support of sustainable, incremental growth.

Eating was solid, though I did overeat a touch at dinner and scooped a bowl of dry cereal a few hours afterward.  The night time is difficult to eliminate snacking.  Grateful that I am able to give attention to my eating and health in general.  Even if I’m not doing my best, which is often the case, the attention helps keep my ability to reconnect with it more likely.

9/4/20:  Biggest thing to report is I made it through one day eating mindfully.  I got weak a few times in the evening, but held fast and told myself ‘just make it through today’.  Sounds crazy but small things like that add up.  Will try again today.

Had something of a ‘fight’ yesterday with Bella.  I had been talking with her the prior day about balancing her time towards school, instead of Subway.  She’s been stressed and rightfully so.  She is taking intense classes and spending tons of time online doing homework.  She also has a busy social life and time with her boyfriend Alex.  On top of that, she is doing 4 shifts a week at Subway, plus making the schedule, fielding calls from her boss and others trying to keep them all happy.  I saw she was struggling with it all and tried to tell her to back off Subway for a month, until her class load lightens.  Our first conversation seemed to go well and was calm.  When I followed up yesterday it went downhill.  She defended her schedule and told me she could handle it.  I pressed her and we both got defensive quickly and she became emotional.  I talked with Lisa about it later and she suggested I back off and let Bella take lead on handling it.  I know it’s good advice and I will ease up.  I worry about Bella not enjoying school and taking such responsibility for Subway.  It’s a good trait in many ways, but I also want to ensure she is learning, focusing on what’s important and not being taken advantage of by her boss and the situation.  She’s always been smart, so I suppose I need to lean on that and just be there for her when she needs me.  Grateful to have such a great kid and wife to help me understand when I’m crossing a line.

I also executed the transaction described below to liquidate my old rollover IRA.  I’ve got a nice chunk of money coming in today/tomorrow.  I’m going to use the biggest chunk to pay off our primary mortgage.  The rest will go towards paying off Lisa’s car and the remainder for either my car or perhaps our home equity line.  Either way, it will eliminate close to $2000 from our monthly debt.  While my income is stable, the goal will be to set an equal amount aside in some savings vehicle to rebuild our stash.  We’ll need to start thinking about college funds for Q soon enough and of course I want to get ahead of it.  Grateful for having financial flexibility and proud that we’ll be able to pay off our home in just 19 years.

Took care of some maintenance on my car as well as got my old bike back from the shop.  Small tasks, but I’ve been getting through the days by setting a low bar for productivity and ensuring I meet it mindfully.

Lisa is doing an overnight this evening with her girlfriends.  I’m glad for her to have some fun and get out of town, but a bit unsure about being alone.  I’m hoping to make a plan for myself, so I can keep busy and work on something fun, perhaps music.

9/3/20:  Continuing the trend of ‘good’ days.  I drove down and spent time with Ed again yesterday.  I wanted to see him and tell him about my role change opportunity in person.  His friendship has been a real source of help during this stretch and I wanted to communicate some good news for a change.  We had another great conversation and I’m hugely thankful for having him in my life.

I made a big financial decision yesterday and withdrew funds from my old IRA, from when I was at Digitas.  I’m planning to use some of the funds to pay off our house and the rest to pay down other debt, though as of yet I’m not sure which items I will eliminate.  While all this emotion has been swirling the last several weeks, a huge part of it is tied into money/work/supporting my family.  I was incessantly ruminating about what transactions I could make to survive with limited income.  Now that things have felt more stable, I’m feeling less radical about blowing things up,  but find comfort in the idea of using some of my future/saved resources today.  They say we are all saving for a rainy day and I’ve felt like it’s been pouring out.  It’s difficult for me to take this kind of stance, but I believe in my gut it’s necessary for me to shift my mindset.  We’ll be able to have a paid off mortgage by age 50, which is awesome.  Our cash flow will improve and we should be able to save a nice chunk each month, for as long as our income sources remain in place.  Thankful for our financial health and for my ability to alter my long time behavior of putting the future ahead of the present.

I sold my bike yesterday.  I only bought it about a month ago, but it wound up being a bit too small for me.  I paid $350 and sold it for $275, so I feel fine about it.  I dropped off my old bike to get a new wheel, so now I’ll have money to cover the repairs, plus a few hundred to put towards another bike.  I didn’t do enough homework, mainly because none of the bike shops have any inventory, due to corona.  I realize the importance of being fitted and getting something I can ride for many years to come.  Biking is another thing that has helped me through this difficult period and I want to keep the habit going, as I really enjoy it.  I met a nice guy from my Craigslist ad.  Turns out he’s a music guy and an editor at Vevo.  We had a lot in common and I was glad to give someone a great deal on the bike and help each other out.  Grateful for small interactions with other people that are positive experiences.

Mindfulness with food continues to be a bit of a struggle this last week.  Since my appetite has returned and my stomach issues have started to clear up, I’ve been generally overeating, especially at night.  I’m trying not to worry about it much, as the last several weeks have been so hard on me.  I’m enjoying the comfort of food I suppose but don’t want to fall back into old habits of masking my emotions with food.  We’ve had a lot of ‘treats’ in the house lately and lots of Portuguese foods like bread and cheese.  Getting my weight under control these last couple months has been one source of positivity for me, so I want to retain that and keep making mindful choices in that realm.

9/2/20:  Continued to ride the wave yesterday after finding out I’ve been approved for the new role.  I told Lisa and Q and Bella (separately) and it was nice to see their reactions.  Quincy of course was super excited as I think he knows just how much pain I’ve been in, even though only Lisa has seen the worst of things.  It’s so nice to feel more like ‘myself’ and go through a whole day with ‘regular’ patterns of thought.

Had therapy session #5 yesterday.  I like Deb but as mentioned below, she’s too much of just a listener.  I carry most of the conversation.  I think I understand that part of therapy is having the patient identify and resolve some things on their own, but I’m looking for someone who can give me insights I’m not able to see.  I think I’d like to continue with some kind of therapy, even after I feel better, but probably will search for someone more of a personality fit.

I believe I have all the paperwork finally sorted out.  I have to swing by Gagnon’s again to pick up the work note, but they called last night to confirm it was ready.  I got a VM from the woman at Lincoln Financial and she confirmed having received the other items.  That’s been an unexpected burden throughout this process.  I definitely understand that filling out lots of paperwork is required for approvals, etc. but being in this state and having to navigate the system definitely makes things harder.  It also reinforces the shame and negative stereotype associated with emptional illness.

Dropped a note to Aaron and Kevin and tentatively aiming at Septermber 14th as a return date, to start my new duties.  I’ve got an appointment scheduled with Gagnon on the 13th and if all goes well, will ask for his signoff to get back in the saddle the following day.

My meditation practice continues to be a source of help and support.  I’ve kicked up my sessions to 20 minutes per day and am defintely feeling the results.  I’m grateful to have this tool at my disposal and to have spent enough years on the path to be able to pull strength from it when I needed it.  I’m also grateful for my writing here.  The tenor has certainly changed but having an outlet to describe my feelings a bit every day is another tool that is bringing me some relief.

9/1/20:  September 1st.  I took care of the errands I mentioned yesterday with regards to the disability paperwork.  I drove to Gagnon’s office to drop off the form and ask about the work note.  I also went to Staples so I could fax in the signed copies I owed to the state of R.I.  Today, I meet with my therapist and will send her off a copy for her to submit.  Doesn’t sound like much but these ‘little’ victories of having focus tasks during the day are helping.  I’ve had such a long stint of non-work at the office, it’s been hard to remain positive and move things forward.  Might sound weird but it creates a sort of negative momentum when you’re stagnant like that, and makes other tasks fall by way of procrastination, even though I have more time on my hands.

Literally just got a call from Kevin at the office.  He told me that the ‘swapportunity’ to join his team in philanthropy has been approved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That means that once I am cleared to return to work, I can officially start working with his group.  He oversees the corporate philanthropy team, which does events, volunteer projects and serves lots of local non-profits.  In that realm is also the diversity and inclusion group as well as employee engagement.  I am super interested in all those facets and it sounds like I will get exposure to split time amongst all those areas.

This is a game changer for me.  Not only does it give me something meaningful to go back to, it changes my whole world view at Hasbro, exposes me to new people and gives me the chance to learn new skills from the inside.  It’s been many years since I had a fresh start at work and even in my current state, or perhaps because of it, I’m feeling incredibly blessed to have this chance.  It’s only guaranteed through the end of 2020 (4 months) but I’m going to do all I can to turn it into a permanent role.

I can’t recall when a group of people has gone out of their way for my well being like this.  Aaron, Kevin, Sarah and Dolph have been a godsend.  Literally.  Without their empathy, support and most importantly proactive solutioning, I don’t know where I would be this very second.  I certainly don’t think I would be typing with this level of gratitude and hope.

8/31/20:  Continuing to feel better these last couple days.  I know most of the relief is due to the conversation I had with Dolph and Kevin, and am eager to have more info and solid details about a possible return to work.  Trying to be patient and let them sort it out and get back to me.

My appetite continues to roar back and I’m struggling a bit to keep control the last couple days.  I know food is always tied in where my emotional state is concerned, so this is no different.  I’m not getting carried away being worried about overeating.  It’s been weeks since I felt like I could even eat food without getting a stomach ache, so I’m thankful to feel more ‘regular’ about food.  Today is a new day and I’ll aim to be mindful in my consumption, just for today and rebuild one meal at a time.

I’ve got a lot of paperwork that arrived over the weekend in regard to my disability claim for these last few weeks of missing work.  It’s scary and brings up a lot of turmoil dealing with that, but I know I have to take care of it.  My goal is to get through all of that today so it doesn’t linger.

8/29/20:  Yesterday was my best day in weeks.  In addition to the conversation I referenced below, a few other things happened.

I finished my 2nd (30) day challenge towards my birthday goal.  In the first cycle I dropped 13lbs. and in the second I dropped 8 more.  I weighed in at 232, which feels good.  My appetite is back these last couple days and though my stomach is still unsettled, it’s better than it has been.  I’ve got about 3 weeks until my birthday and I’m hoping I can get a couple more lbs. down.  It would be cool to be 229, but I’m more concerned with controlling my eating habits and being mindful about eating, as opposed to a specific weight number.

In the evening, we had band practice for the first time in about a month.  It was much better than the last couple practices.  We tried out 2 new songs and though they were far from perfect, it felt good to enter new territory.  Paul also played a real drum kit outside which helped a lot, imo.  Crissy and Chuck jammed on some guitar oriented tunes and I marveled at their chemistry, for having played together so little.  They have very different approaches on the guitar, but enough overlap to really compliment each other.  I’m humbled to be playing with such talented people, including Paul, Jim and Lisa.

I spent much of the day feeling ‘regular’, and not ruminating so much about the job, money, etc.  I’m trying not to get too excited by the conversation I had with Dolph, but needless to say I’m extremely hopeful for that outcome.  I sent him a thank you note today telling him how much his words and support meant.  It’s one of the nicest things anyone has considered doing for me and I won’t forget it anytime soon.

8/28/20:  Some sunshine in my head today for a change!  First thing this morning I finally had my call with Kevin and Dolph.  Kevin had suggested it 3+ weeks back, prior to my panic attacks, etc. so it’s been looming for a while.  I tried going into it with an open and honest mind.  It’s been hard for me not to put too much stock in the call because the outcome was so important to me, but I also didn’t want to get my hopes too high.  Generally, corporate america moves slowly and there are lots of gears to turn for anything to occur.

Anyways, it started with a smile as Dolph brought up the fact that he talked the day before with none other than Ace Frehley, who performed as part of the eOne concert series for the company.  For anyone who knows me, nothing could have made me feel more welcome more calm or more ‘me’ than talking about that subject.

After the pleasantries, I went through what’s been going on.  My mental/physical health situation followed by the root causes at work that led me to this precipice.  Dolph couldn’t have been more understanding or helpful.  First off he offered to help me with resources related to mental health access.  Being on the board of a few hospitals, he has access to lots of helpful folks and told me not to hesitate to reach out for that assistance.  From there, he went on to offer the concept of a ‘swapportunity’, which is a Hasbro program that allows employees to be lent out to another department.  I wanted nothing more than a chance to prove myself with a fresh start in a group that I know I can thrive within.  I know Kevin pretty well and several others within the extended group.  I love what they do and would be absolutely thrilled to be in position to work with folks that are helping others inside and outside the company.  It’s by no means a done deal, but simply hearing him verbalize the offer was enough for me to get emotional.  It felt like a literal lifeline being thrown my way by someone with the strength behind it to pull me in, so to speak.  He said he would get back to me in a few days and let me know what’s up.  Unbelievable hopeful and thankful for his empathy and willingness to listen and help me.  Truly humbling.

I had previously made plans to have lunch with a couple of the old UP crew, Paul and Craig.  They came down and we had lunch out on the patio.  We have a great connection and even though we don’t see each other often, it’s so easy to bond and talk with those guys.  I genuinely love them and feel so fortunate to have been part of Upromise.  The culture persists many years after the company was gutted.  Not sure what the factors are that went into that, but it was something special for sure.  I was able to open up to them about my mental health and I know they understand everything from the work perspective.  Simply having someone who understands goes a long way.

8/27/20:  Today has been rough.  Again.  A few days ago, I thought perhaps I was turning a corner but the last couple days have been a backslide.  Definitely notice a pattern of having more difficulty early, from morning to afternoon.  Not sure why though maybe it’s an association with work hours.  That’s how I had been feeling prior to my breakdown, so maybe it’s continued even though I’m not actually working?!

Today Bella gave me her savings to put towards her tuition bill.  She is absolutely amazing and it was such a generous act on her part.  I’m glad that she worked so hard for the money but even more so that she willingly put it towards the school, without reservation.  I told her how much it meant to me, especially lately, given my emotional struggle around taking care of everyone and all our finances.  I have so much to be thankful for, I just want to enjoy that feeling in my mind and body once again.

Struggling to enjoy or motivate myself with even small things, like practicing music or reading or working on RS stuff.  All of those could use my attention and would be seemingly welcome distractions for my mind, keeping me in the moment.  So why can’t I bring myself to pickup the bass or a book or work on my GBB deck or fundraising for the Fan Club?  I guess that’s another of the great unknowns about depression.  It creates a negative momentum in everything.  I need to find a way to push myself even in small ways to get traction on these things.

This morning was one of those times I just felt like curling up on the couch and sleeping.  It was cold for the first time in months and perhaps that had something to do with it.  It’s been raining as well.  I was feeling like I might need to take an Atavan, but held off again.  I convinced Q to watch JoJo Rabbit with me, which was an awesome movie.  Sad, but funny and inspirational at the same time.  At the end of the film, a quote flashed up that was awesome.  “Let everything happen to you.  Beauty and terror.  Just keep going.  No feeling is final.”  I’ve been trying to get through each day by reminding myself that everything is temporary, both good and bad and change is the nature of all things.  It’s not easy when you are experiencing this kind of suffering but I feel like my learnings over the last several years will help me get through this, even if they didn’t save me from avoiding it.  I guess that’s another lesson that I already knew but perhaps forgot.  The point of mindfulness and gratitude isn’t so that bad things won’t happen to you, they inevitably will.  It’s to remember that when they take place, you can regain control over the narrative and turn things around.  Just need to figure out how to live that sentiment.

8/27/20:  Second entry today.  A big part of my anxiety is feeling like I’m faced with an untenable choice between two awful scenarios.  One one hand, going back to work scares the living shit out of me, because it’s so closely associated with my feelings of uselessness and failure.  I feel like going back will make me a ticking time bomb.  I already had an explosion and know another, or worse, could be around the corner if something doesn’t change.  On the second hand, I feel like if I don’t go back, I’m putting my family and everything I’ve worked for at risk.  We have no other source of income or medical insurance.  My kids and wife will see me as a failure and I’ll have put 20+ years of savings and planning in jeopardy because of my weakness.  I’ll see myself as a failure.

My therapist told me to challenge these assumptions when they come and as mentioned below, Tara Brach talked about acknowledging that feelings can be real, but patently untrue at the same time.  So here goes…

What will happen if I go back to work?  Worst case scenario is I have another panic attack and return to Gagnon, etc.  I’m already in that mode now.  Yes, it sucks, but perhaps facing the fear of return will be helpful.  It might be ok and I could possibly get through it, or find another outlet a the office that works.  Or, I fall flat on my face again and can confirm that I need more help and probably a more radical life change.  Either way, I’ve moved the ball slightly forward, right?

What will happen if I lose my job entirely?  It will feel like complete shit and I’ll be even more desperate in the short term.  I’d have to start looking for work.  That could result in finding something more suitable.  It could be a long, painful process but I’ve been without work a couple times and been able to find something else.  Actually, each time it happened, I think I was better off or at least in an equal position.  I know Lisa and the kids love me and will do whatever they can to stand by me.  I’ll feel awful about letting them down, but I think I’m already at that point now.  Perhaps the universe will send me the answer if I’m able to relax and listen?  Lots of my reading talks about the search for a path obscuring the path you’re already on.  Can I find contentment if I’m no longer able to be a financial provider for my family?  Maybe not feeling like I have to will relieve some of my discomfort?

8/27/20:  Continuing the trend of trying to connect with others and talk about what I’m going through.  When I do, it feels like it’s helping but that sentiment doesn’t seem to last long.  I met up with John M. for a walk at Field’s Park.  He’s been laid off for several months and not having much luck as of yet finding work.  He talked about some problems with his marriage and struggling with alcoholism.  I was appreciative that he opened up to me.  I also had a zoom with some old UP friends last night.  One of them is also out of work, and empathized with the stress of being in corporate america, while getting older.  I know I’m not alone in what’s happening to me and many others are suffering in all sorts of ways.  Again, in some way that is a comfort, but like a lot of what’s happening to me, it doesn’t necessarily translate into relief.

I reached out to Kevin at work to inform him about my situation.  We are scheduled to connect this morning and then later today, to meet with Dolph to introduce the idea of transitioning to a new role.  I’m extremely hopeful the conversation is well received.  I know it’s probably not smart to put so much hope into the meeting, but I’m so desperate for a lifeline here, I can’t help it.

I listened to an episode of the Tara Brach podcast a few days ago that hit me hard.  It was almost as if she was speaking to me directly about what’s going on.  It was about how the limbic system hijacks your brain and sets up these fear based grooves of thought.  She recommended a 3 step approach where you affirm the thoughts are real, but challenge their truthfulness.  Then try and bring yourself into the present moment by breathing, etc.  Lastly, to bring forth new thoughts from a perspective of love and kindness.  It makes so much sense and I’ve been trying to do some of it, catching myself in this pattern.  She is an awesome teacher and I’m grateful for all I’ve learned from her words over the years.

I’m so fucking fragile right now.  The slightest thing can set me in a negative spiral.  Sometimes I can identify a reason, other times not.  Yesterday for example, I had to login to my work email as I was trying to communicate with Kevin, as described above.  When I did, I saw a new meeting slate from Christine, removing some of my standing meetings with her own, less frequent versions.  I totally understand that she needs to move on, and I don’t even disagree that her team may benefit from a new approach.  Still, it sent me into a tailspin emotionally.  It reinforced how useless and marginalized I am in my role with that group.  My heart literally sank and I’m still feeling awful this morning, after having been in a better place the prior 24 hours.  Again, my intellectual assessment of things is so frigging warped right now and I’m in such a struggle to simply retain an even keel for more than short stints of time.

8/25/20:  Visited Dr. Gagnon yesterday.  Went ok.  He recommended another script for me to help the rollercoaster mood swings.  I’ve been torn about the whole med thing, but am not in a position to turn down anything that might help me feel better.  I also spoke with Sarah from HR at my office.  She was really helpful and supportive which made me feel somewhat better.  I’m constantly struggling with trying to decompress and forget about work, while mentally going through gymnastics about how this all plays out.  It’s making it extremely hard to separate the two activities, which I know is causing lots of my suffering.  I also managed to get in touch with the woman at Lincoln Financial about the disability claim.  I’m grateful to be checking off some of these boxes, but again, it’s adding to the stress and tension between my mental health and financial health.

Was scheduled to connect with folks at work today about a potential transfer, etc.  Had to push that off as I have another appointment scheduled with the psychologist at the same time and cannot reschedule.  It’s probably for the best though part of me was looking forward to getting over another small hurdle with regards to work.

I’m grateful for the support coming from folks at work (Aaron and Sarah and Kevin), even in the face of this complete mess I’ve gotten myself into.  It gives me a glimmer of hope that things may be ok at some point, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

8/24/20:  Again, what a difference a day makes.  The last 36 hours have felt pretty good.  I felt more engaged, if that makes any sense and less ruminating, more presence.  Been making a point to stay in the moment and actually achieving it on occasion.

My stomach felt nearly normal and I had a big appetite.  I actually overate both days and was snacking at night, not mindfully.  Weird, that isn’t really the behavior I’m looking for, but it made me feel like “me”.

Spent a few hours with the Bento’s and had lunch.  Always enjoy spending time with them.  They are such great people and it helps ground me, to see folks who enjoy the simplicity of things, especially Mr. Bento.  Heard some bad news about our cousin Jonathan, as he is struggling with cancer treatments.  Such a young guy and a sweet human.

Today, I’ve got my follow up appointment with Gagnon.  Something about that scares me.  I want to know he supports me being out of work for a while, at least until things settle and I’m able to stabilize.  I’ve felt like I have a ticking clock with something about to go off at the end of the countdown.  I also logged into my work email so I could get in touch with Sarah from HR.  I want to ask her some questions and also ask for her help in transitioning to a new role.  Tomorrow is the meeting I had with Kevin and Dolph from before I went on leave.  I feel like I’m pinning a lot of hopes on that outcome, which scares the living fuck out of me.

Guessing many/most people struggle with this, but I’m having a hard time just ‘being’.  I cannot break the habit of feeling uncomfortable with idle time and no plan of work or income.  It’s a routine that I’ve conditioned myself in for decades and I’m not adapting quickly to building a new routine for myself that’s healthier.

Had a phone call this morning from Deb Palmer, Tom Perry’s mom.  She told me that Tom passed away on Friday.  Sigh.  I hadn’t been in touch with him much in the last several years, but he was a sweet soul.  When we were kids, his mom took me into their house when I had no place to stay and I shared Tom’s room for a couple months.  It’s one of the nicest things anyone ever did for me and I never forgot it.  After hearing this news and the news about Jonathan, I know I’m in such a better place than these guys, with at least being physically healthy.  I understand that, but as described before, am losing something in translation between intellectually knowing things and actually feeling them genuinely.

After a stint of feeling good, today I am back to hurting.  Stomach is again upset and I’ve not eaten much all day.

8/22/20:  I know I keep describing the rollercoaster nature of my depression, but yesterday was the ultimate example.  In the morning I felt decent.  I had a couple things on the calendar which can be a helpful distraction.  I met with Jamie, the new Rawkstars intern.  She is awesome and I’m quite hopeful that this becomes a long-term relationship.  She outlined a 90 day plan for making progress against the goals we discussed and she seems energetic, smart and full of ideas.

I also talked with Alison and Prof, a couple old friends.  I had been emailing with Alison about some music stuff and they both have been longtime RS supporters.  Alison is also a Fan Club member so I suggested we zoom and I showed them the Guitars Behind Bars video.  Outside of showing the trailer, we talked a lot and I opened up somewhat about my situation.  They were both super supportive and it was nice to feel connected with them, as much as I can feel that emotion nowadays.

I had planned a few days ago to take my mom and GiGi out for lunch.  I’ve been thinking recently about the fact that I haven’t been a very good son and wanted to make an effort to get better.  I texted my mom last week just to say I appreciated her, then a few days ago, asked them to lunch.  It started out well enough, but at some point during the lunch, I felt the heaviest wave of dread come over me.  I was completely disconnected from everything and began thinking the darkest of thoughts.  I felt like I might throw up, but held it together.  I dropped them off and drove home with Q feeling the weight of the world crushing down on me.  After we got back, I was considering taking another Atavan, as I did last week when things got bad.  I didn’t take it, but laid down in bed and calmed myself and took a nap.  That helped.

Later in the afternoon, I got up and for the next few hours I felt much better.  I’d even go so far as to say for a stretch I nearly felt ‘normal’.  Lisa, Q and I talked and I think that really helped.  We had a nice dinner of simple leftovers, but continued talking.  Then we watched a comedy movie together and it was the best couple hours I’ve had in some time.

I cannot explain why or how there is such a wild swing of emotion, but it’s a rough way to experience every day.  I’ve had empathy for folks with depression and mental illness, after my brush with this 10 years ago.  With that much time having passed it’s hard to say whether this is worse or the same, but either way, they are without question the two worst periods of my life.  It gives me some hope thinking about the fact that I was in a similar place before and was able to climb out of it, for a long stretch of time.  I pray that I can do the same once again.

Another interesting fact about depression, or at least my flavor of it, are the feelings it conjures about my family.  I think when people thing about depression, they assume you don’t care about anyone or anything.  While it’s true that I feel a disconnection from being able to enjoy simple pleasures, I feel like my actual feelings of love for my family are stronger than ever.  It’s part of the nefarious nature of what’s happening to me.  I want desperately to simply be with them and bask in the feelings of love.  I couldn’t be prouder of the people each of them are.  Lisa is an absolute rock for me.  I am constantly apologizing for what I’m heaping on her and for being a burden that’s limiting her ability to enjoy life every day, but she’s able to hang in there with me despite all that.  Bella is my pride and joy.  She has been working so hard, saving money, and seems to be off to an excellent start at school this week.  She’s got a great boyfriend who seems to make her happy and amazing friends around her.  Quincy is the light of my life.  He is also pushing himself with running and continuing to make music.  He is the person in the world I can talk to most, even though I’m doing my best to shield him from what is happening to me right now.  He brings me such pure emotions of love and pride.

I’m grateful for the 3 most important people in my life (and Ajax 🙂 – if nothing else right now, I can hang my hat on the fact that Lisa and I raised 2 fantastic kids, who both love each other and us.

8/21/20:  Wanted to document the physical effects continue to persist through this period.  I’ve talked plenty about the stomach issues, but last night and into this morning I also experienced some very shallow breathing.  I had felt it before when the anxiety really ramped up, or when I felt an attack brewing.  This was different because I was actually feeling pretty calm at the time.  It came on suddenly, when we went to bed.  I really noticed it as my breathing is generally quite deep and even.  I eventually fell asleep but felt it again upon waking up.  I feel somewhat better now, after meditating and trying to slow it down, but it’s definitely a thing.

This may be a stretch but I also feel like I’m having a sensitivity to loud noises.  It feels acute when I hear something sudden or coarse.  Not sure if it’s related or just something I’m hyper sensitive to as I get older, but wanted to mention it here.

Lastly, I’m grateful for the progress the kids made this week.  Bella started her classes Monday and has been really focused.  Spending lots of time online, with the books and taking the review classes at night.  I can tell she is locked in to start and it’s great to see.  Also, Q has ramped up his running routine.  He started meeting some of the older kids in the morning and also going with his friend Pat in between.  He is definitely serious about it and I can see him pushing himself to get better.  So thankful that both of them are off to a good start as school season kicks off.

8/21/20:  Yesterday was another day where it started rough and improved later.  I woke with a stomach ache, as has been the pattern.  Sleep has been decent but not great.  I am doing ok with actually falling to sleep, but struggle once I wake to use the bathroom, as my mind begins to instantly race.

I went and met up with Aaron.  It’s been weird not discussing with him and I know that if things are going to change at the office, I need to start communicating what’s going on.  He’s a friend, even before being a boss so I wasn’t nervous.  First thing he said was how skinny I looked.  It felt good to let out the details to him, as it basically does anytime I talk about it openly.  He definitely empathized and I wasn’t shocked to hear that he has plenty of experience with depression and some of the other symptoms I’m struggling with.  I’m going to reach out to Sarah in HR next and I have time on the calendar with Kevin and Dolph already for next week, from before I went on leave.  Not sure how all this will turn out but I need to look to Hasbro for help, if things are going to change there.  I know I can bring a ton of energy and good work to the philanthropy group, I just hope they can see how much I’m suffering and make an accommodation to at least give me a shot.

I’m getting emails/calls in regards to the disability claim.  Of course all that stuff brings on difficult feelings and ramps up the anxiety levels.  I realize it’s necessary and am keeping up with the requirements on my side.  It just sucks to pile on top of the negative feelings when you’re going through something like this.

I hiked Blue Hills with Q.  Always helps me spending time with him. He’s such a great kid and I love him with all my heart.  He knows that I’m going through a tough time and has definitely been extra attentive to me, which is sweet.  I also weighed myself on a whim and am down to 231.  That’s -22lbs over 7.5 weeks.  Silver lining?

Jamie asked me over for a beer after work, which made me feel good.  I’ve been doing my best to reach out to people in small ways and it was nice to be invited.  I’m not really into drinking these days, but I had one beer and met some of his friends.  It was an interesting group.  There was a fair amount of political/racist commentary, which I didn’t really dig.  It was mostly from his friends, but it didn’t make me feel like hanging out so I didn’t stay super long.  Still, I was grateful for some time out of the house and the chance to connect with some folks in person.

Grateful to have made it through one more day and to have some support from my friends and family.

8/19/20:  Uneven, again.  Today as well, though perhaps a few more glimmers.  Met up with Chuck for coffee and talked a bit.  Opening up to people helps.  I’m on a search for contentment and doing any small activity I can to try and find some relief.  I had a call yesterday with a young woman from Drexel, about the internship posting.  She seems great though is leaving me with a quandry since I’ve already semi-committed to Kaleani.  I think at the end of the day I’ll need to let her off the hook, since Jamie seems more qualified.  After the experience I had with OMG, I need to be careful about spending Rawkstars money and use it to the best ends possible.  It felt good to talk with someone about business and be able to feel an hour of near normalcy.  I’m still ‘glazed’ even when talking with someone, but it was closer to a regular conversation than I’ve had lately.

Got some nice walking in with Lisa in the early morning and again in the afternoon.  I think I need to get a morning routine going so I have formal goals to occupy the early part of the day.

I’m experiencing a disconnect between the intellectual arguments I know to be true and how I’m actually feeling.  When I hear someone give me advice, or even when I’m explaining how I feel, I intellectually understand the argument, but that isn’t translating into how I actually feel.  It’s like there is a broken circuit between the messages and the recipient.

Continuing to have low level stomach cramp/uncomfortability.  I am going to the bathroom in small bits, a couple times per day.  I often feel like I need to have a movement, but am empty.

8/18/20:  I’m skipping ahead and writing a second entry for today so I don’t forget things.  Just had another session with my therapist.  I explained to her the super negative feelings described below from Sunday.  She challenged me on some of them and is asking me to consider whether they are viable, or if I’m exaggerating them.  I think she is correct, but I also cannot simply stop feeling them.  She was pretty reassuring about the prospects of continuing to earn my salary and getting approved for this disability thing.  I guess I won’t be able to decompress from it until I see that it’s true.  If I can get that far, it might at least give me some relief to breathe and feel like I can focus more on myself without fear of financial ruin for the family.

We also talked about Lisa.  I told her about the work situation here and my previous discussions around the potential of her getting full time employment.  I know she got put in a bad spot with Patriot once Covid hit.  She had been somewhat hopeful to turn the position into more of a full time gig, once Dave K. retired.  That got pulled out from under her and I know it must have felt awful.  She’s never been lazy and I think would be willing to pickup hours.  She is so under-confident about her ability to get an actual full-time office gig with benefits.  I know she could most certainly get something like that and I also know it would make me feel some relief, especially knowing the insurance was covered and we had reliable income coming in.  We can definitely figure out ways to live on a budget and cut our bills.  I also know I can generate income at some point again soon and having the ability to seek out something more fulfilling with lower salary would be most welcome too.  Not sure how we can talk this through but I don’t want to have to convince Lisa of this.  That will only make me feel worse.

Stomach issues continue to persist.  I have a low level upset stomach throughout the day.  Every day.  I’m going the bathroom and having small bowel movements, often multiple times per day.  Even when I’m not going to the bathroom, I feel something in my belly like a pit.  It’s dulled my appetite tremendously and I’m going odd stretches of time between eating where I used to be like clockwork.

8/18/20:  Yesterday = Worst day so far.  Not sure if it had anything to do with feeling better the day prior or if it’s truly a random phenomena.  I literally woke with a feeling of dread that never really dissipated.  I tried going for a long walk with Lisa, which was awesome, but didn’t really change my POV.  We did 4.5 miles, so I’m thankful that I’ve been at least able to keep up momentum on my activity level, even if it doesn’t seem to be effective in alleviating my suffering.  I suppose it might be far worse if I weren’t doing this?!

I had such a strong feeling of anxiety and doom, that I succumbed and took an Atavan.  I was feeling super desperate and thank god, it helped.  It basically knocked me out.  I have been feeling groggy anyways, so I went downstairs in got into bed, turned out the lights and was able to calm down.  The pill put me to sleep for maybe 90 minutes.  After I got up, I felt somewhat better.  I carried the ruminating thoughts with me, but they were duller than they had been the first half of the day.

Later in the evening, Alex came by.  He and Bella have been seeing each other and we’ve met him several times, but this was the first time we connected since they started a relationship.  It felt good to have everyone around and we played some games and caught parts of the Bruins.  For some reason, evenings seem to generally be better for me than morning/daytime.  Not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve survived another day, but I definitely feel some kind of relief later in the afternoons.

I started the process of filling out paperwork with Hasbro/HR/etc.  I got in touch with them after submitting my doctor’s note for 2 weeks off.  I think the process is I have to apply for disability through the state of RI.  I think my work has an insurance policy that basically pays me the difference between disability and what my salary would otherwise be.  It’s confusing and certainly adding to my stress level.  A huge part of what is happening to me is that I cannot balance the financial side of taking care of myself and my family, with juggling my position at work.  I feel like I’m being forced to choose between two horrific outcomes.  One of which is I ‘suck it up’ and try to go back to work.  I know that will not end well and I already feel like a ticking time bomb.  I literally feel like my sanity is slipping away from me at times.  The other choice is to cut the cord with Hasbro and leave my family facing immediate financial ruin.  We have options and reserves but going down those paths would require a lot of energy which I don’t have.  I think they would also make me feel even worse, because all I sacrificed for over the years would be put to use simply because I’m mentally broken now.

8/17/20:  Talk about swings.  Yesterday, I felt pretty darn good.  For much of the day I was able to focus on the present.  We went grocery shopping.  I had the best appetite I’ve probably had in 2-3 weeks.  Had a particularly good meditation in the morning.  I got this blog page working, as I had been keeping these notes outside WordPress for weeks.  I received a resume from a prospective intern for RS that seems really promising.  I watched some TV and actually enjoyed it.  I read and finished Siddhartha, which wrapped up with a chapter that really hit me hard about ‘stop seeking the path’, as it obscures what is right in front of you.  I spent time with Q and listened to some of his new music.  I really felt like things were going to be ok, then I woke up today feeling terrible.  For absolutely no reason.  Swirling, ruminating, worried about all the same shit.  Job, money, pressure, end game, etc.  My stomach was immediately in knots so badly that I had a bowel movement at like 6:30am.  Welcome to the wonderful world of depression!

This is what it’s been like.  I’m thankful for the good stretches, where I can feel calm and content with things.  I will continue to fight through it as best as I can.  One day (or hour!) at a time.

8/16/20: I continue to feel the swing of emotions throughout the day. At times, I feel ‘normalish’, meaning I’m thinking about standard stuff and feeling engaged and connected with what’s going on. Other times, I feel blank and disconnected. Often I am swirling about job/money/depression. I’m scared shit about the kids seeing me struggle and have a sinking feeling my behaviors will pass on to them somehow in future years. Tough way to go through a day, but I’m thankful for the periods of normalcy.

In the morning, I went running with Lisa. First time we’ve run together in a while. We ran the 5k post office loop, which is also the longest I have run, probably since last year’s fun run. It felt good to push myself and I had a solid run all around. Grateful that even while my mind is not healthy, my body is improving. It gives me hope that I can get both in harmony at some point.

Watched the Bruins game, which was the first sporting event I’ve watched start/finish since the pandemic began. Again, it was good to have a period of some normalcy and I tried to enjoy the game. I mostly did but also noticed how numb I’ve become to things that generally would feel really pleasurable.

It was cool out yesterday for the first time in months. Wound up going down to Plymouth with Lisa and Q, and we just walked around a bit. It was nice to get outta the house for sure and I can’t get enough time together with those guys, so that was a plus.

Again, grateful to survive another day in this cloudy state.

8/15/20:  Continuing the slow swing of the pendulum.  I’m having emotional minutes/hours of clarity and relative normalcy, coupled with swirls of inner dialog.  I continue to struggle to stop thinking about the future or how to ‘get myself out of this mess’ or ‘what the end game is?’.  I’m trying to simply be, feel and recognize small things in the moment and build an ability to do that more regularly.

Hung out with Ed again yesterday and again, it made me feel better.  We talked about finances of course, and I have a strategy to lower my monthly bills by a few grand by using an old IRA from my prior job.  I think it’s a good idea and should give me more options when it comes to the concept of work, moving forward.  Not a cure all, but I guess that’s the point.  No one thing is going to solve my issues but perhaps making several smaller changes will be the key, like it was for weight loss and many of life’s problems.

We hung out at Mike’s last night with Dave, Doug and the wives.  As usual it was some good laughs and music talk.  There was a heavy focus on food/drinking (of course) but I fared pretty well.  I enjoyed the food but didn’t overdo it.  I had 2 drinks.  It felt good to be there and I tried a few times to be vocal and insert myself in conversations.  I often feel subdued in these situations more recently, after most of my life being an attention hog.  Bella and Q came by and ate with us then hung out for a couple hours.  They continue to be a source of awesomeness for me and I’m super grateful for every minute with both of them.

I’ve been taking the meds for 3 days now.  I’ve had a mild feeling of ‘buzz’ a few times.  My stomach continues to be semi-upset and I’ve had a low level of nausea in stretches.  The stomach stuff has been going on for weeks, so that’s not attributed to the meds I don’t think.  I’m not sure about this but I also may be feeling negative impact in the erection department.  I haven’t formally tried to stimulate myself, but I have a sensation that might be a thing.  Hoping not as I want to try and get closer with Lisa physically, and enjoy that bond together.

Overall, grateful to have made it through another day.

8/13/20:  Stretches of good emotions yesterday.  Got to the gym again and rode the elliptical for a bit.  It’s one of my favorite workouts, especially for being inside the gym.  There’s no thinking needed and I can pump super fast in stretches to really get my heart rate up, without causing my body much discomfort.

Watched the Bruins first playoff game, which was on in the afternoon.  Since they are playing in this covid-bubble, the game was bumped to Wednesday afternoon as the prior game went 5 OT’s and they are all sharing a building.  Bergeron scored the game winner in 2 OT.  Sports, like everything else, are weird nowadays though I must admit I had some feelings of normalcy tuning in and seeing them win.

Decided to weigh myself yesterday, even though I was planning to wait to the end of my second 30-day cycle.  I’ve been eating so little lately, I guess I felt I needed to see what the numbers showed.  233.  At my lowest point in the last 10+ years, I was 230, maybe even 229 for a few days.  I’m basically at that level again.  I must admit it feels good, especially given the point I was at just a few months ago, feeling awful about how I looked and how my clothes fit, etc.  Some of the weight loss, especially the last couple weeks, can be attributed to my lack of appetite from the depression, but I’m feeling pretty in tune with my body throughout.  Paying attention to my hunger instead of just eating because ‘it’s time’ or because I just like to.

I also took the leap about trying out the meds I’ve been prescribed.  It goes against what I traditionally think I’m supposed to do, but getting to such a point of desperation, I don’t think it’s a good idea to discount it without even experiencing what it feels like.  It’s supposed to take 4-5 weeks before it builds up levels in the brain, so I’m going to see how things go.  Trying to make changes in my life and established patterns of thinking isn’t easy.

Continuing to have open talks with Lisa and enjoying the feeling of being together, even though I’m causing her a lot of angst.  She continues to reassure me and that’s something I really need a lot of these days.

Grateful to have gotten through another day intact and with some stretches of feeling positive.

8/12/20:  Another mixed bag yesterday.  Got myself to the gym early in the day and did a bit of lifting.  Been some time since I’ve tried that and it felt decent.  I also stretched some, which is always good.  Want to have more of a plan going forward, since I tend to amble through the gym and don’t really know what I’m doing.  Got a short walk in later with Lisa.  The walk wasn’t great but we talked quite a bit.  Talking is for sure helpful for me, to get things out and help frame up my thoughts.  That said, I know it can be a burden for others, especially Lisa.  She expressed some stress and lack of understanding about my position, which of course I tried to explain and defend.  I need to do a better job of simply listening and letting her feel the way she feels without necessarily trying to change it.  That aside, we’ve definitely been talking lots more than the last few months and it feels good and will strengthen our relationship long term.

Took a ride into Boston to buy a bike from a guy off Craigslist.  It was only $350 and I wound up buying it.  I adjusted it a bit last night and it seems like a definite upgrade over my old one.  Looking forward to taking it on a spin down the path, maybe tomorrow.

Had an initial appointment with a therapist yesterday and it was ok.  I’m not sure how I feel about the woman I’m seeing but it was the only appointment I could get, so I’m grateful that she had an opening for me.  I decided today that I am going to fill the prescriptions I got from Gagnon.  I’ve been struggling with the decision as I don’t want to be taking meds and never have been drawn to that.  That said, I’m clearly in a less than ideal situation and I feel like I need to at least attempt to use it before casting it aside.  I can always stop if it makes me feel worse, right?

Grateful for getting through one more day intact.

8/11/20:  First half of the day was rough, things got better in the evening.  I spent the morning/afternoon trying to navigate ‘the system’ of getting some appointments for myself.  It took lots of calls and patience, but I eventually visited my primary care, Doctor Gagnon.  He’s an older guy, but I generally like the simplicity of his setup.  I was extremely open with him and communicated all the issues and feelings that I’ve been struggling with.  He listened well and we discussed the medication route.  Several years back I had a somewhat similar use case where I experienced depression and some panic attacks.  He had prescribed me some meds at that point, but I never really took them.  I’m not a ‘pill guy’ and only take an occasional advil for muscle and joint pain.  After trying those pills 5 or 6 times I stopped taking them before they even had a chance to take effect, because I hated how I felt.  I did counseling for a couple months which I enjoyed and did find helpful.  I also learned about meditation, and other tactics to help improve my health and well being and eventually I felt much better.  He described the fact that depression often occurs like this and it’s akin to diabetes or other conditions, in that you can effectively manage it with ‘diet and exercise’ but sometimes those things fail and it rears its head.  I can see in hindsight that’s what happened here.  Over the last several months many things have conspired to get me to this precipice and now I must begin to address them.

I was really swirling during the morning/afternoon thinking about finance, disability checks and other negative thoughts, despite the fact that the day prior I had conversed with Ed and Lisa and convinced myself even if I lost my job we’d be ok.  That is going to be super hard to break through because I am not wired to do anything with money but save, accumulate and plan with it.  The though of burning through it is hard for me, but something I need to let go of in order to prioritize my health.  It seems so simple on the surface and typing it even makes me feel a bit foolish, but old habits die hard as they say.

After meeting with Gagnon, things got a bit better.  After I came home, Lisa and the kids returned.  She and Q had to get a covid test, since they traveled to Denver last week.  After waiting in a long, hot line, Quincy had sat in the car with the A/C running and killed the battery.  I drove Lisa over to the car and called roadside assistance.  We had to wait for about 2 hours, which gave us plenty of time to talk.  Of course, I was unburdening, as I have been doing lately and it felt most good.  Again, constant feelings of being apologetic come out, because I know I’m saying many of the same things and putting a lot on Lisa.  That said, talking about it helps me.  I think looking back, it’s yet another piece of the puzzle here.  I don’t have many people to talk with and my circle of friends is as small as it’s ever felt.  I know a ton of people and have always been ‘popular’.  That said, in recent years, I’ve felt very alone and don’t do a lot of opening up with people in ways that are helpful.  I’ve become more closed off and introverted as I’ve gotten older and don’t feel I know many people who I open up with.  Duly noted and another thing on my list going forward to consider and address.

Anyways, we spent a long time sitting and talking and again, I reminded myself we have reserves and could get by for long stretches (perhaps even indefinitely?) without direct employment income.  I also know that I will find another job at some point and that taking an extended break doesn’t mean forever.  I have plenty of skills, a marketable personality, a strong network and have always been able to navigate difficult situations in the job market.  This kid eventually showed up to charge our battery and as we waited,  I asked him a bunch of questions about how his job worked.  It’s basically this service called ‘Auto-Rescue’ that sounds Uber’ish.  He basically gets an 8 hour shift and waits.  Using an app, if there is a service call in his general area, he gets buzzed and rides over with his kit to charge batteries, fill gas tanks, change tires, etc.  Kid knew zero about cars.  He described how sometimes he gets a ton of calls and other times very few.  He gets paid per shift and if it’s super busy gets a small bump.  He’s certainly not getting rich but it seemed like a great job for a young kid, with a car.  I could even envision myself doing something ‘menial’ like that, which basically just involves driving locally, helping people in need and being friendly.  After so many years in a cubicle, working on the corporate treadmill, it’s kind of appealing.  Stuff like that at least makes me realize there are things I could do that would be easy to pickup and at least keep me in grocery money, burning less of my cash on hand.

The kid enjoyed all the interest I had in his job and smiled as I asked him more and more questions.  He gave me an elbow bump after the car started and I think we made each other feel good.  Grateful for the simple reminders about the pleasure I derive from others and that working on a computer, isolated, meaningless and making a ton of money does not equal happiness.

8/10/20:  At least my situation is giving me some juicy writing here.  Had another rough day with continual swings of emotion.  I went down and visited Ed.  He’s someone I look to for advice, especially on the financial/business side.  He’s a good listener and someone I trust with private details, plus he knows my finances better than anyone besides me.  It felt good to unburden more and he gave me advice about calling into work, which I did, and getting into see my primary care doctor, which I also did.  The process is awful and there’s the usual circular calls, emails, web searches and general lack of humanity in the whole thing, but I was able to make those connections at minimum.

I spent some time ruminating on the concept of being unemployed and it began a swirl for me, which was not good.  I know that my current job situation was a tipping point for me and although not the only thing in my life I want to address, it’s a big part of what I need to fix.  It’s made difficult by the fact that we don’t have any other income as a family to speak of.  That feeling and pressure has contributed greatly to my inability to make a job change, again, tying things into my professional life.  Ed pointed out to me that we have done a tremendous job saving and building assets.  Even if we go into a scenario where we have no employment income, we have reserves to pull from that could sustain us for quite some time.  Of course depleting those things I’ve worked so hard to build is tough for me to swallow, but using money to directly help my happiness and health is something I also need to learn is a good thing.

There are so many nefarious aspects to depression it’s hard to know where to begin.  One thing that’s been awful is the constant burden I feel like I’m putting on others, especially Lisa.  She has to deal with my madness and constant need to over-communicate, plus stay strong for herself and everyone else.   It makes me feel weak as a husband and partner, which of course feeds into feeling bad about everything.

I’m grateful for Ed’s friendship.  I’m grateful for Lisa and the kids being supportive.  I’m grateful for my doctor’s advice and the support system around me, even if it’s far from perfect.  I’m grateful that I know my survival is secured by the financial planning I’ve done in the past.

8/9/20:  Difficulties continue.  On Friday night I hung out with Kevin and Sean Lynch.  It was nice to see them after several months.  Sean has a great new house and we just hung out and chatted for a couple hours.  I had one drink but basically refrained from booze, which was nice.  I was headed to the airport in the wee hours to pickup Lisa and Q, but even while I was with those guys, I had a distracted and distant kind of feeling in me.  I was grateful to see some friends and for a distraction.

I didn’t sleep well, but got up at 4am and drove to Boston.  Seeing Q and Lisa made me cry.  Been feeling that way a lot lately.  Crying I mean.  They were happy to have landed and to be home of course, as usually is the feeling after time away.  I held them long and tight.  After we got home, we all basically crashed on the couches for a fitful couple of hours sleep.  I woke groggy, but psyched to have everyone back.  The afternoon was good, but the feelings of depression remained under the surface.  At some point in the evening, it came over me like a tidal wave and I told Lisa I had to leave the house and get some air.  It felt like an anxiety attack or something.  I didn’t pass out, but was breathing heavy and spiraling mentally to a dark place.  The symptoms are more powerful than anything else I’ve experienced.  There’s the ruminating thought patterns on stuff you’ve muddled thousands of times before.  There’s a feeling of absolute helplessness and a clear understanding there’s no possible way to live with this.  There’s an emptiness, that no matter what you’re doing or what’s happening,  you don’t feel engaged.  I cried.  A bunch of times.  You hate telling your spouse because you know it’s going to burden and hurt them tremendously, but you can’t not tell them, because you’re literally exploding.  You feel stupid, because you should be strong enough to control your own mind and feelings.  It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy as they say.  Complete and utter desperation and blackness.  I’ve also been struggling with stomach issues all week.  I have a constant low-level feeling of unrest down there.  I’ve definitely limited my food intake and also don’t feel the typical enjoyment when eating.  I had started watching what I was eating before all this and am thinking there may be a connection between losing that comfort and masking element I had in food and all these emotions taking over me.

Lisa sat with me and told me to cry and let it out.  I went downstairs because I didn’t want Quincy to see me that way.  The embarrassment is also strong with depression.  She made me some tea and I told her all this.  Getting it out helped a bit and I eventually calmed myself.  We watched some TV (The Sopranos, by coincidence, and for a short while I felt kinda normal.  Today, I’m not having the same attack, but I can still feel the darkness just below the surface inside me.  That’s how it rolls.  I’m scared for what this week will hold, but also want to deal with this head on.  I think finding help in the form of someone professional to talk to is the first step.  I have done that in the past when this occurred and it was helpful.  Looking back I suppose I’ve carried some mild symptoms with me all these years, and perhaps this is just a moment when a lot is coming to the surface?

In closing, I’m grateful for Lisa.  She was there for me and boy did I need it.  I’m thankful for Quincy, who makes me feel better than anyone in the world with his unbridled love.  I’m grateful for Bella, who is kicking ass and making her own life right before our eyes.  I’m grateful for my relative health, despite my current mental state.  I ran yesterday and continue to be active even through this mess of a week.  I’m thankful I have options, on the financial side.  I have no fucking idea where this is all going to wind up as far as work goes, but I know even if the worst happens and I lose/quit my job, we can survive.  I love my family more than ever and I think that’s another offshoot of this.

8/7/20:  Week continues to be a wild swing of emotions.  I had a meeting yesterday with a few folks from the philanthropy team at work.  We talked about the RS and GBB projects of course and they were super supportive and kind.  At the end of the call, I stayed on with Kevin, who runs the team, and told him about my situation.  I told him I wanted to join his team and made plans to connect with his boss, Dolph, when he gets back from vacation in a couple weeks.  I don’t know how much chance it has of happening, but I needed to put it out there.  It offers at least some hope that I can make a change within the Hasbro eco-system that would be meaningful to me.

It’s hard to describe fully what I’m feeling.  I’m definitely putting a lot of the focus on work, but I’m thinking it’s something deeper.  I’m also wondering if my weight loss is playing a part in how I feel.  I’ve really changed my eating habits over the last 40 days and physically am looking/feeling much better.  Still, it’s hard to think that I could lose such a strong stress-relief behavior such as overeating and not suffer some emotional effects.  I absolutely want to continue dropping pounds and fat and exercising as I have been.  I need to figure out a way to improve on my emotional health without resorting to food as comfort.

B and I went and got wings last night.  We talked a lot during the day, about her job and also a little about mine.  I opened up to her somewhat, which hurt.  As a dad, you don’t want the family looking at you through a lens of emotional/depressive feelings.  The kids have always seen and known me to be a positive, strong, responsible, leader type and it doesn’t feel good to be otherwise.  I’m so proud of Bella, and she is already a mini-me, in terms of being a problem solver.  She has been struggling with the schedules at Subway now that many kids are headed back to school.  She understands the concepts well and took steps to discuss with her boss proactively.  Definitely grateful that we raised such an awesome person.

8/6/20:  The focus of this activity is to highlight gratitude.  There are many days when I’m not feeling it and I mask over that fact by looking for something to write.  I’m definitely able to point to many things everyday that I am indeed grateful for, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel like shit sometimes.  This is one of those times.  I’ve been struggling massively with work.  My role at the office has degenerated terribly.  It was slow at first but has picked up momentum as of late and it has me feeling desperate.  I’m also plain old tired.  Tired of thinking about it.  Tired of feeling the weight and responsibility to ‘just keep going’.  I’ve been doing that for too long and I’m at a breaking point.  I feel like crying and my stomach is in knots.  I’ve been here before and know it can/will get better.  Something needs to change to effect that and I’m caring less about what that tipping point might be.  That’s how feelings of depression work.

There are things I do feel grateful about.  I’ve been losing weight and exercising and I love my family more than ever and they are healthy.

I spent time with my brother in law Rob last night.  I reached out to him to talk and he came by.  We ate dinner and had a couple beers.  He totally gets my POV and has many of the same feelings when it comes to life.  I’m really thankful he took the time to hang out and for his friendship.

8/4/20:  Had a father/daughter night with Bella last night.  She was out of work early, so we planned ahead the idea of grabbing dinner.  We took a ride to The Pleasant Cafe, in Roslindale.  It’s a pizza place, but makes awesome pie and we go for special occasions a couple times per year.  It was nice to have a drive together in the car and some time to talk.  We got home and I suggested we eat the pie while watching TV on the couch.  It was of course delicious and it felt good to treat myself a bit.  We watched low brow TV and enjoyed the time together.  Grateful for the time with Bella but also for eating mindfully.  We only got one pizza and I felt satisfied afterward, as opposed to wanting to swallow more than I needed.

8/3/20:  Got through the weekend, mostly alone.  I’ve been doing a good job of keeping moving and using that to occupy my time.  Did my weekly run on Sunday.  Time was a bit slower, but in the usual ballpark.  Main point is that I got my ass outside and did it, which is an accomplishment by itself.  I also hiked yesterday, for some extra bonus movement.  The alone time is valuable and definitely giving me renewed perspective on having everyone around and taking that for granted a bit.  Talked with Q and Lisa in the evening which was nice.  They mentioned a ton of eating, which I’m glad I’m not dealing with on this end.

I hung up some pics in Q’s room and fixed a small light socket in our bathroom.  Nothing extravagant, but again, taking time to do small things and stay busy has been nice.

Got payment #2 back from OMG over the weekend.  Rawkstars bank balance is back to a nice level, and I couldn’t be more thankful for Crissy in getting that crap resolved.  When I think back on how heavily that weighed on me and the emotions it stirred, I am so glad to be in a better spot now.  The slow climb on the Fan Club work has been ok.  Not a big leap lately but a few stragglers coming in.  I’m up to 81 and thankful for everyone who has put faith in us to make that worthwhile.

8/1/20:  Lisa and Q have been gone for 2 days on their Denver trip.  I’ve missed them terribly and being alone has been hard.  I’m making the most of it and got out both days for exercise.  Thursday I walked at the park by myself and yesterday I did the East Bay 16 mile ride.  I met Jim P afterward for coffee and always enjoy connecting with him, especially these days where I don’t see many people.  I’m grateful for the perspective of being alone and realizing in little ways how much I miss everyone.

I bought myself some bike accessories including a new helmet, gloves and pouch to carry my stuff.  I’m probably going to upgrade the bike at some point, but so far holding off until I figure out what I want.  I continue to feel better and my clothes are fitting and looking so much better.

With not much to do, I’ve watched a couple movies.  Pawnbroker and Motherless Brooklyn.  I was digging the first one but fell asleep.  MB was decent and held my attention but I wouldn’t call it a great film.  That said, I’m thankful to have such access to incredible content on demand and to live in what is most certainly the golden age of TV.

7/30/20:  Completed my first 30 day challenge towards my 50th bday health run.  It went really well and I am pretty proud of myself.  I  logged exercise on 26 of the 30 days, which is awesome.  I’ve been tracking much of it via RunKeeper and my mileage/days/calories are all way up from the prior month, when I was already doing a decent amount.  I had a few nights when I overindulged, but was able to get back on the horse the next day.  That’s probably the thing I’m most proud of, as it becomes easy for me to backslide when I have a bad experience.  I decided to weigh myself, and lost 13lbs, which is an excellent rate.  I’m at 240 which is about where my body has maintained for much of the last decade.  I started the next 30 day slate and got in a nice walk to start things off.  I’m definitely grateful for the status of my physical health.  Mental still needs more work and I’m taking it one day at a time.  I’m trying to look longer term and starting to picture in my mind getting down to 220 eventually.  I’d love to be halfway there by my 50th bday, putting me at 230.  That would be my lowest weight in many years.

7/29/20:  Yesterday was a better day at work.  I got some feedback from my boss that helped.  I also stayed fairly busy throughout the day which definitely was nice.  I had a few folks reach out to me with kind words at a time when I needed it and I am super grateful for that.

7/28/20:  Whirlwind.  On Monday, I experienced some genuine lows, mostly with regards to work, although not entirely.  I’ve been struggling a lot with my work identity.  Lot to unpack, but it started when I moved out of IT earlier this year.  I was brought over by my boss, who is a great guy.  It was unceremonious in that I wasn’t asked or given any opportunity to think it through and it was not even formally announced to the company.  I lost the 2 folks who had been reporting to me and I also lost one of the teams I was working with.  More than likely, had I been given the choice, I may have done the same thing.  That said, it began with a feeling of uncertainty and loss, that hasn’t really gone away.  The first few months with the team were good.  It was starting a new process from scratch and getting to know everyone, so that kept me engaged.  More recently, it’s started to drag, as my time is less needed and I don’t have much involvement in the day to day project work, as I had in the past, especially with the dev groups.  Super recently, we also brought in a new VP, who my boss now reports to.  It’s been tough for me to ‘click’ with him, in part due to the w@h situation and in part because I think he has a very different view of my role.  I’m rambling here, but it all has added up to feeling crappy about the job and how much time I’m wasting every day.

That, combined with some malaise from the pandemic, caused in part by the loss of all my usual stress relief mechanisms.  Typically, I’d blow off steam on weekends and go to concerts and occasional nights out with Lisa or others.  Maybe a few drinks here and there and playing/gigging with the band.  I’ve also been on a program to improve my eating and exercise levels.  Those have been going well, but it also robs me of a (negative) outlet for stress relief, namely eating.

It all popped out a bit in a conversation with Lisa.  That led to a burst in some of the issues she and I have been dealing with as a couple.  Not sure how much I referred to it below, but we’ve been in a funk for sure.  Lisa has been in a tough spot since the pandemic with being unemployed and losing out on what she had at Patriot, professionally and emotionally.  Our love life has also been less than awesome, to say the least.  We wound up sitting outside for an hour and getting a lot out in the open.  I felt better afterward for having opened up and for listening to her POV.  I’m thankful that we had the chat, but it also opened some new wounds for me.

At the end of the day, I want to be thankful for all I have and much of the time, I am.  This journal should be testament to that fact, but it also is not a cure all for the human emotions and desires we all struggle with.

7/27/20:  Busy weekend.  Bella had her 19th bday party with her friends on Saturday night.  Lisa and I had spent the afternoon at Mike’s pool with him, Doreen and Doug.  It was nice, hot and low key.  I was grateful to control my eating and refrain from drinking alcohol.  I also ran in the morning, despite the blazing heat.  I nearly bailed on it but forced myself to breathe through it and got out there.  My time has stabilized and I think next weekend I will aim for a longer length and am ready to kick it up a notch.  Thankful for such solid progress and focus.

Bella had her party and there were about a dozen of her friends at the house.  She asked about having some ‘drinking’ and we told her if everyone stayed over, we would allow it, so the house was full of kids.  She has a really great crew of friends and they are very respectful and responsible.  They embrace Quincy in the group as well, so it’s a great cohort of older kids for him to look up to.  I grilled for them and Bella did a great job of cleaning up.  I’m so proud of her and love seeing all those great kids continue to be part of her life, even as they go off to college, etc.

Speaking of which, we got the final bill for semester #3 at Assumption.  It was much lower than #2, given the remote learning plan for the next few months.  We also got a discount for Covid, since Lisa was laid off and they pledged a ‘free’ class for 2020, which Bella can take advantage of in the spring semester next year.  Overall, I’m happy with the turn of events from a financial perspective.  I know it sucks for her to miss being at school, but since that is out of our control, saving as much money as possible is a positive development for her.  We were able to pay the bill in full, and I am grateful to continue my financial support of the family.  We should be in great shape to also cover bill #4 come December.  I don’t know what the learning plan will look like, but we are prepared to see the cost return to prior levels.  Since we were able to save this round, it will enable us to give Bella some support into year #3, which we probably couldn’t have done before.  I’m determined to save whatever money she is able to contribute, so that I can return it to her down the road and head off as much borrowing as possible.  Thankful for our current financial position all around.

On Sunday, we hung with the Wabrek’s over at their lake house.  It was nice and another hot day.  I ate well, though I gorged a bit after getting home at night.  That’s a bit of a pattern on the last couple Sunday nights I’ll need to keep an eye on.  I had a hard seltzer, but otherwise, have abstained from drinking for nearly a month now and am feeling better overall.  They have done a ton of work at their place and it looks really nice.  We had some laughs, soaked in the lake and took a boat ride.  It was nice to see James and Mia and Q was able to join us for a few hours too.   I love seeing him with other kids and having fun in the water.  Grateful for old friends and for family time together.

7/24/20:  Q dropped his ‘mix tape’ last night at midnight.  It’s a pretty amazing accomplishment and I couldn’t be more proud of him.  He has been working on the 20 tracks for over a year.  He wrote all the lyrics, programmed all the beats, added music and other samples, built a story arc, included some guitar parts from friends at school and had another kid design the cover art.  He was so organized and driven through the process I really saw him grow, not only musically but just as a person.  Grateful for such an awesome kid and that he is doing something he truly loves with his time.

Went back to work yesterday after a much needed week off.  Been struggling with my Hasbro identity and how I’m spending my time there.  Not passed that yet to be sure, but it was nice to get over the first day and feel ok.  Thankful to have the job and hoping I can crack the code on getting some measure of fulfillment while keeping everything on track at home.

7/23/20:  Bella’s 19th b-day yesterday.  I got up and went to Starbucks to get her a lemonade acai drink that she likes.  When she woke up, I had it sitting in the kitchen with her card.  Good thing because she showered then went to meet her friends for breakfast.  No matter, I’m happy for her to spend so much time with her friends.  I know being home is hard for her and having that outlet is necessary.  The day was relatively uneventful, but seeing Bella mature has been wondrous.  She is smart, confident, talented and caring.  She has become a great worker and took over manager duties at Subway, which will pay her more and allow her to work less shifts during school.  She is hard working, and has a great emotional IQ.  Couldn’t be more proud of her or grateful to be her dad.

7/22/20:  Got in a walk yesterday, despite the blazing heat.  Not sure if it was the long-ass bike ride the prior day, but I had almost no energy or desire to be outside.  The weather has been hot and the air thick.  I usually like it hot, but after a few days needed a respite.  Grateful I at least got moving a bit and forced myself to get to the park even though I didn’t much feel like it.

Sent out a group note on FB to the family.  I asked people to join the Rawkstars Fan Club to create a memorial scholarship in Tom Raposo’s memory.  I figure it’s a good way to pass on the legacy of generosity that Tom had and focus the funds on a local kid or two.  He loved kids and music probably as much as anything else in his life and I think it would make him happy to know we are doing this.  He was a huge supporter of Rawkstars and in addition to donating thousands of dollars in our early years, he also opened his home to some of the most epic parties I can ever recall, after at least 3 of our annual softball game events.  I hope the folks I sent the note to didn’t take it as a ‘sales pitch’ but rather a chance to honor Tom in a specific way.  I’m thankful to be part of such a loving family and a few people already committed and/or signed up.  After a week or so, I’ll take the post down and whatever money we have committed by then will makeup the annual scholarship funds and we’ll go from there.

7/21/20:  23rd anniversary yesterday.  Spent a couple hours at the pool with Lisa.  During breakfast, I decided to bike to Stoughton, as I hadn’t exercised in a couple days and wanted to push myself back to something hard.  I headed out and estimated the ride would take me 1:40.  It was nearly 90 so I was also worried about the heat but figured I was up for trying.  I wound up having a great ride and finished the 20.6 miles in 1:32.  I struggled in brief sections but overall performed well.  Jumping in the pool at the end felt amazing too!  Afterward we came home and bought some nice steaks for the grill.  The kids were home and Q actually had a friend over from his afternoon run.  We had dinner together and enjoyed some laughs as a family.  Grateful for all that and for another year together with Lisa.

In the evening, I had a Zoom with some of the old Upromise crew.  Namely, Jacob, Laham, Jeff Yaus and Chris Weekly.  It was awesome to catch up and see their faces for the first time in a couple years.  I showed them the GBB trailer and of course talked about Rawkstars.  The feedback was really positive and it continues to go well, getting together in small circles to talk with folks about the projects.  My Fan Club signups have been a bit stagnant but I think a few of those guys will jump in.  Thankful for my relationship with those guys and our ability to remain connected, nearly 10 years after we all left the company.  It’s a testament to how strong of a cohort we had and I’m so glad to have been a part of it.

7/20/20:  Pool day yesterday with Lisa, over at the Bento’s.  Super hot and perfect day for sitting in the sun and swimming every half hour or so.  Grilled some chicken thighs and enjoyed the simple pleasure of a beautiful day, plus quiet time.

Helped Quincy shoot a video for his upcoming album release.  We worked on it a few days ago, but he wanted to re-do his parts so we went to a new spot and re-recorded it.  Came out better and he spent the afternoon at home editing it and getting it ready to publish.  As mentioned, I’m very proud of him and love seeing his growth and commitment to the project.  Grateful to have such a talented son who is growing into himself day by day.

7/19/20:  Family day here yesterday with my mom, brother, uncle and nana over for lunch.  It was a beautiful day and super warm, so we spent a good amount of time outside, which was excellent.  We kept it simple and I grilled hot dogs and chicken.  Easy, with a simple cleanup.  We exchanged cards (of course🙂 for Bella’s b-day, Randy’s b-day and our anniversary.  No major tension and a couple laughs.  Seeing my grandmother is always awesome.  She turns 99 this September so I’m always glad to get another chance to connect with her.  She enjoys sitting in the yard and is always complimentary about the house, kids and everything we have as a family.  Her cancer treatments seem to have really helped, as the tumor she had on her cheek is all but gone now.  Grateful to have her around still and for the kids to be able to get to know her for such a long stretch.

I had a very solid day of food intake, especially given the fact that we had a ‘party’, where I tend to generally overeat.  My cadence was off and at night, I was tempted to make some more food.  I wasn’t actually hungry, it was simply the fact that we had food in the fridge and it had been a while since we ate.  Fortunately, I was able to hold off and notice the feeling of being full and breathe through it.  Thankful!

7/16/20:  Had a call with someone at Assumption yesterday.  Bella set it up and the 3 of us joined remotely.  It was informative and gave us some insight into what’s possible in terms of potentially transferring for a semester while covid continues to evolve.  She handled things well and the gentlemen we spoke with was helpful and proactively communicative.  I’m really proud of the way Bella is handling things.  Even if she does not transfer, I’ve seen her take initiative and consider the options in a mature way.  I know it cannot be easy for her, even though my opinions about it are strong.  Grateful to have raised such a great kid, who is capable, smart, generous and on a positive life trajectory.

I also had a park walk with Q and helped him a bit to think through a video he is making to announce the release of his first full length album!  Couldn’t be more proud of the boy.  He’s worked his ass off over the last several months to get the tracks together and done it entirely on his own.  He programmed the beats, wrote the lyrics, added music, recorded it and is even working on the marketing side and with a friend to create artwork.  He’s super talented and it’s gratifying to see him grow so much.  Thankful for being close with him and immensely proud of his accomplishment.

7/15/20:  Had a meeting with some folks at eOne yesterday.  Not sure if I mentioned it last week, but I was super excited to have landed the opportunity to present my GBB idea to some people directly on the music side of the biz.  It was really nice meeting them and they were pretty moved by the stories and video.  That said, I don’t think I was able to make the resonance I was after, due to the influx of ideas and conversations they’ve already been having internally.  It felt crappy at first to be sure, but after a few hours I was able to sit with it mindfully and move on.  Grateful for the chance to make some new contacts and for the motivation it gave me to push forward with new ideas.

I finally got some traction on slides for the pitch deck yesterday.  I’ve had it on my mind for about 2 weeks and have been unable to sit and really make any practical progress.  That changed yesterday and I got about 3 solid slides that I am mostly happy with.  I plan to spend more time today and through the weekend solidifying the deck.  Hopeful I can get a meeting at some point and see how the deck resonates, but thankful for now that I even got started.

Still on point with my health tracking and on day #18 today.  I’m definitely feeling better and my clothes are telling me I’m doing well.  It’s genuinely amazing how a couple good weeks of focus can improve your trajectory.  I’ve got a long way to go on the journey but am thankful to be in a good place right now.

7/14/20:  Got back on the exercise path with a nice park walk, after skipping the prior day to hang at the pool. I’m grateful to have made it to the 3rd week of my plan and feeling and seeing some results.  I’ve definitely been eating less food overall.  Smaller portions at dinner and less snacking.  I’ve got a good pattern of exercise between regular walking sessions, biking a few long rides and even a couple runs on the weekend.  My shirts are fitting slightly better and I can tell my body is running more efficiently. Thankful to be able to keep moving and for the miracle of my body, even if it’s not as ‘well-oiled’ as I might like it to be.

7/13/20:  Had a rough morning after talking with Lisa about her job future.  Pressure has been building in me lately w/r/t work and financial factors.  Along with everyone else, I’m also struggling from time to time with the nonstop routine of being at home.  For a few weeks, I’ve also been doing amazingly well on my health plan, though I’ve lost my typical coping mechanism in the form of overeating.  All those and other factors led to an outpouring.  While I probably didn’t approach the conversation in the most productive way, I’m glad I got some of that angst out and that we ultimately talked it through.

Afterward, I went and spent a few hours by myself at the pool.  Mr. Bento was of course there also, so I wasn’t really alone, and who better to spend time around when you’re feeling sorry for yourself.  I got lots of sun and took plenty of swims.  I had my shirt off for a few hours straight which also feels good and isn’t something I really ever feel comfortable enough doing.  I had brought a salad and they fed me a nice hot bowl of soup, which was perfect.  Super grateful for the downtime and opportunity to recharge, even slightly.

I finished my book ‘Understory’, and it was easily one of the absolute best fiction books I’ve ever read.  The author is immensely good at forming elegant, impactful sentences and conveying ideas clearly but with style.  I definitely plan to pickup another of his older works and am grateful to have found and finished such a great work of art.

7/12/20:  Spent the day at the Bento’s pool with Doug and Sue.  It was very spontaneous and I texted them in the morning to see if they wanted to join us.  They brought along Alex/Mike and their new baby, Vivian.  It was nice to spend a mellow day with those guys and seeing babies is always great.  The Bento’s enjoyed seeing her also and we had a great day.  Thankful for such kind in-laws and that we have the option to use their pool on hot summer days.

7/11/20:  Made contact with two folks at eOne yesterday.  I’ve got a meeting setup on Tuesday of next week to introduce myself and talk about the GBB project.  I’m hopeful to get an executive sponsor from their side of the business, to help me pitch a program to the company, or fund it themselves.  I also have a thought about seeing if it’s possible to move to reporting directly to someone on the music side of the business to oversee the program for a year, to get it off the ground.  It’s ambitious, but could be the most amazing thing to happen to me professionally in quite some time.  I’m thankful to even have a glimpse of what that could look like and supremely hopeful that I can garner their initial support and at least see where it goes.

I also had a call with Jeff Crocker, which was really cool.  He’s an old music friend and has been a longtime supporter of RS.  I was able to share the trailer with him and just connect about family, work and life in general.  He’s a good guy and I enjoyed the human connection with someone I don’t talk to very often.

Met with Dave and Mike and Lisa to chat about the proposed RS gig on 9/12.  We discussed a stripped down intimate show and the logistics for pulling that off.  I’m excited to have something more solid to plan for and that we came around to doing something socially responsible for the bands and our guests.  It’s a weird time to operate and making what used to be simple decisions are increasingly complex.  It’s a constant balance between the desire to get out, socialize and do things we took for granted and keeping your own and the public health in mind.  Grateful we landed in a place I feel good about that accomplishes both.

7/10/20:  Went to Aaron’s place yesterday for a few hours to work/swim and connect.  It was awesome to get out of the house for a bit and see someone new.  He has a beautiful place and I hang out with him, Chuck and another kid who is there for the summer.  It felt ‘normal’ and I was thankful for the hospitality and human connection.

7/9/20:  Struggling emotionally lately w/r/t work.  I’m not doing much on that side and cannot seem to muster the energy to really pour into the job.  It’s nothing related to the company per se, I think I’m just feeling more of the emotions from spending my days in a routine that isn’t doing anything for my soul.  I make plenty of money and by all accounts, Hasbro is a fine employer.  Not sure why I cannot commit the required energy to making the job more fulfilling, but that’s where I’m at.  I am grateful to be employed, at least for now, and I will continue to try and sort out how to make things better or solve it another way.

In the health focus aspect of current day life, things are better.  I’m on day #12 of my program towards ‘fit at 50’ or whatever it is.  Yesterday I took a bike ride and did a tough 10+ miles.  Rode a completely new route and pushed myself to ensure at least 10 miles.  Felt good to struggle through the ride and the course was similar to DW Park, where it’s constant rolling inclines.  Definitely thankful for my focus in this area lately and for being able to change my behaviors.  Perhaps there is a lesson I can apply to the prior paragraph?

7/8/20:  Connected with Rob Rizzo last night about GBB.  He’s an awesome guy and always made himself available to support and help RS.  We caught up as we hadn’t talked for well over a year.  I gave him the update about the Fan Club project and then shared the GBB concept and trailer.  He was super enthused and supportive.  I think he’s on board to help me shape the pitch deck and potentially to offer an intro to the folks at John Hancock, where he works along with Barb Goose, another DTAS alum who is aware of Rawkstars.  Regardless of how anything turns out, it feels good to have support from smart, generous folks who want to help change the world.  I’m grateful Rizz gave me his time and for his friendship.  Even though we haven’t spent a ton of time together, he’s someone who has positively impacted me in multiple ways, mostly along the lines of being generous with resources.

7/7/20:  Passed the 50% point towards goal #1 on the Rawkstars 2.0 project.  I calculated the budget based on real-time spend and figured 131 subscriptions were needed to slow the monthly burn rate to 0%.  Yesterday we passed 66 and today are at 68, meaning we only need 63 more subscriptions to reach that level.  It’s been a cool experience to chip away and even cooler to see the monthly funds grow each week.  I know it won’t be easy to get the next 63, but I’m thankful as hell to have made such progress in the face of everything else.

I continue to have great interactions with folks individually as part of that process and also showing the GBB trailer.  I connected with Moe and Bruce last night and they were both blown away.  I don’t know what all the interactions will lead to but I feel like the more I cast it out there, the higher chance I have to make a connection.   It also helps me hone the talking points, get feedback and use it as a tool to gain subscribers.  Kind of a win-win-win and I think it’s also a positive for the folks I share with, so add another level of win 😉

7/6/20:  4th party this weekend at Dorothy’s place.  Much smaller than usual, but always grateful to get time with the extended family.  They have an amazing backyard oasis that they’ve built over the last few years and I’m happy that they have created such an amazing space, and can share it with us on occasion.  Lisa got pretty ill at the party and we spent yesterday nursing her back.  Thankful she is doing better and that we were able to be there to take care of her.  Walked in the park with Q, at his behest, and am continuing to have a good run of focus on my health challenge.

Received the matching donation from Hasbro, against my deposit to makeup for the OMG debacle.  Our balance is steadily climbing lately, with all outstanding debts being covered.  It’s super gratifying to see monthly deposits grow from our new Fan Club, which keeps the cash on hand from burning so quickly.  With a couple new signups this weekend, we are at the halfway point of covering our monthly expenses.  Still a ways to go to get the second half, but I’m proud of the progress I have made, especially given the slower pace of attention I have given the process of converting folks.  I’ve also managed to balance fundraising with voicing some of the success stories to our donors.  That part is hugely important to me, to fulfill out commitment to keeping them in the loop and engaing them much more.

7/4/20:  Jammed last night in the backyard with HM.  It was great to see the guys, for sure.  The practice was fun but also hard.  We played a really stripped down version.  Crissy couldn’t make it and Paul used his cajon kit and some percussion.  I actually really liked the approach and hope we can do that more.  I had a hard time finding my place in the songs with so much room in the air.  It was a new experience for me musically and I am grateful I got to feel and hear the music that way.  I want to try it more and get better at filling that space more evenly.  I’m kinda hopeful this will work its way into our overall sound so we can perform in that kind of setting with minimal gear and perhaps even simplify the songs.

I’ve got 6 full days of my new program under the belt and I feel good.  My eating has been excellent and I’ve managed to stay away from night time eating, even last night when we practiced and came inside late.  I’m super thankful to have developed the ability to focus in and listen to my body.  I don’t always respond, but I’m doing well at the moment.

7/2/20:  Had a few new Fan Club signups yesterday.  Progress has been slow, but semi-steady.  I have been approaching it very differently than in year’s past.  Typically, I would bombard FB and email large segments of my list in waves.  Others would also generally be mentioning RS online, which helped bolster the message frequency.  This approach has been more personal and 1:1.  I’ve been using the opportunity to share the GBB trailer and introduce people to that aspect of what we are doing, and asking them to join at the same time.  It’s labor intensive, but it’s also been satisfying.  We had over $900 deposited at the end of June, which is a decent monthly amount, and still lots of folks I haven’t spoken to.  Grateful that we’ve been able to generate a fair response and making progress against this is extremely satisfying.

7/1/20:  Got my teeth cleaned at the dentist yesterday.  It’s actually something I enjoy and in the days of covid, it’s even cooler to be able to do something ‘normal’, like visit the dentist office.  I’ve enjoyed nearly 50 years of good teeth health and its one of the few parts of my body that I’ve always felt good about.  Grateful to my dad for passing down the genes of healthy teeth, if not much else 😉

Day #3 of healthy challenge 2020 complete.  I ate less and stuck with the regimen overall.  Lisa made some lettuce wraps for dinner and it was super light.  Afterward, I felt, or at least thought, I was still a bit hungry so I took a serving of cashews and a larabar out.  I ate the cashews and tried to do it mindfully and slowly.  After finishing them I realized the larabar was overkill and left it unopened.  Grateful for my ability to break a small habit and get through one more day.

6/30/20:  Day #2 in the books on my challenge.  Ate smaller meals and felt pretty satisfied throughout the day.  Got in a walk for the first time in about 2 weeks.  It felt good to move.  I also got my pushups, water and daily vitamin completed.  Thankful for taking it one day at a time and doing the little things that will add up to big things.

Had a zoom call with the MSO and showed the trailer to Sheriff K.  He really liked it and gave some tremendous feedback.  He advised that we need to tell the story of how specifically the music classes are benefitting the inmates.  We have some metrics and data that we collected as part of phase #1, but really need to build out that aspect of the program.  Ideally, the video will do a bit of storytelling there, but we should also be able to provide some electronic data that illustrates what took place.  I think if I can crack this portion, he will get on board with supporting us more heavily and he said as much.  I also learned that Deepu and James have been released from PACT.  I found James on FB and chatted with him a bit.  I think Jonas will try and interview him for the doc.  I also got a text from Brendan, who I’ve been unable to. get in touch with for weeks.  Hoping this results in a meeting where we can get clearance to interview Keith and Roose either in person or via zoom.

Grateful for progress against the GBB project and for some next steps to work towards.

6/29/20:  Decided to get started on a fitness challenge (again).  I’ve signed up for a mini-tri over at Field’s Park on my 50th birthday and have done nothing more than eat myself towards oblivion the last several weeks.  I had a solid day #1 yesterday and am outlining some specific elements of the plan, which is about 85 days.  Ideally, I’d like to get my weight down to 230 by then, but more importantly, I need to be demonstrating control, mindfulness and taking care of my mind and body.

I mowed the lawn yesterday and took care of getting an A/C and TV for Ben.  I took Quincy along with me to pickup the items and deliver and setup.  It was awesome having him along and he showed that he can be really helpful when he tries.  He unpacked and setup the TV by himself while I tackled installing the A/C.  I was grateful for the time together doing father/son stuff.

6/27/20:  Back home today from the trip to Maine.  We had to jet early since Bella worked today, so it was a bit of a grueling day.  Thankful to be back home.  It’s always nice to go away and I feel fortunate that it’s also nice to come home.  We have an awesome house and nothing quite feels like your own space.  The kids really enjoyed themselves as did Lisa and I.  Thankful for such great friends who are sharing and generous enough to invite us to their space.

6/26/20:  Day two up here in Maine.  Spent the afternoon on the lake, sitting, floating, drinking and listening to music.  We also took a couple boat rides, including one with Louie’s neighbor, who had an incredible jet boat.  I took a few pics of their house, the dock and a sunset we saw over the lake.  I’m going to clean up the pics and make some kind of collage for them to hang in the house, as a thank you gift.  The kids are really enjoying themselves, and Bella found herself doing some drinking with Liam, including shots of vodka, which I’m pretty sure are outside her norm.  I’m not a proponent of over-drinking, but it is kinda nice to see how comfortable Bella feels around these guys.  Q is also having fun and there are a few other kids from the area that have been hanging around.  It’s awesome seeing them all connect, both together and separately from the adults.  Grateful to have this time together as a family and with the Silva’s.  I’m hopeful for a safe journey for Liam most of all.

I also managed to get out the 1st Rawkstars Fan Club newsletter.  I wasn’t as happy with the layout and content as I would have liked, but I am proud to have gotten it published.  I need to get a better schedule/pattern so I can make it more informative, attractive and valuable to our members, but the act of simply making it happen was enough this time.  I haven’t really gotten through the report yet, but it generated at least some click-throughs on DiMario’s video and I got one email reply from South Shore Music, who was mentioned briefly.  It also generated at least one sign-up even though I didn’t link to the Rawkstars site or mention the idea of joining.  Inching forward on that path and up to 59 memberships (38%) towards the initial goal of 150.  It’s rewarding to see progress, even if it’s slower than I would like.  I’m happy to be putting in some of the work to make it happen and that is gratifying.

6/25/20:  Came up to Lou and Trish’s place in Maine last night with the kids.  We had dinner and sat out on their deck for a couple drinks and some music.  It was great to catch up and being here all together with both families is really cool.  I know Quincy is having fun and it’s great to see him socialize and be comfortable connecting with people.  Liam is heading to the army in a few weeks and though he wasn’t here yesterday, he’ll be joining us today and tomorrow.  It will be great to have some time with him and I know it will have a big impression on Q, who really looks up to him.  Super grateful for the time away from Taunton, for connecting with such great friends and for having the kids all in one place.  I know that will only get rarer as the years progress for all of us, so I’m savoring it.

6/24/20:  Got some work done on the first edition of the Rawkstars Fan Club newsletter yesterday.  I’m a few weeks later than I hoped in getting it launched, but made good progress.  In my zeal to work on new projects and convert people to the platform, I’ve neglected those who have signed up.  I’ve got to get a better roadmap in place so I can ensure I’m supporting those folks properly, as promised.  I think I’m going to setup a private Zoom so I can show them the GBB trailer.  I want them to be among the first to see that and also some kind of announcement about the planned end of summer gig.  Grateful for the 60 or so folks who have jumped in already and I don’t want to disappoint them, or myself.

6/23/20:  Delivered the old Bose PA to Joe M. yesterday.  Always nice catching up and seeing Joe.  I was pumped to sell the PA to someone I know, as I hate selling old gear.  I gave him a really good deal and he was happy to get the system at a good price, with no hassle and dropped at his house.  I’m using the money to buy a new EV system that I hope arrives in the next few days.  Should be a big step up in power and clarity.  I’ve also been cleaning up the jam room a bit and might consider a bit of rearranging.

After visiting Joe, I stopped over and saw old friend Dave Malekpour.  I’ve known Dave since I was 21 and worked for him back then for about a year.  We’ve stayed friends through the years and I always enjoy connecting with him.  He’s built a great business and showed me his space, which was pretty impressive.  He’s doing manufacture of high end studio monitors, studio design and of course selling gear.  He’s a big hearted dude.  When I showed him the GBB trailer he literally cried.  We talked about that a good amount and perhaps there will be a chance to collaborate on that down the road.  He has a lot of connections in the biz, both with equipment folks as well as artists.  I’m genuinely grateful for my friendship with both Joe and Dave, two talented dudes that have lots of heart.

6/22/20:  Father’s Day yesterday.  We spent the afternoon at the Bento’s pool yard.  We brought steaks and a few beers and enjoyed an afternoon of swimming, eating and listening to oldies.  Rob came by with the boys and it was nice to see them also.  We talked about the pandemic of course, and the general state of things.  The kids have grown up so much, it’s kinda hard to believe that 2 of them are in college and the other 2 in high school.  I’ll always be grateful to be part of such an awesome family.  The Bento’s always set a great example of parenthood and generosity.

Lisa and the kids bought a couch for the back yard, which is large enough for me to lay down and nap on.  Lisa and Q set it up the other day and we’ve already been using it a lot.  After we got home, we stopped at the ice cream place and got treats.  Bella bought me a book, which sounds pretty zen and was written by an engineer at google.  Q gave me a book also, called Dad rules.  He also wrote me the nicest possible card and I felt a lot of love from the entire family.  Thankful.

6/20/20:  Had another bike ride on the trail yesterday.  Afterward I met up with Jack and had coffee in Barrington, then drove to Stoughton to spend the rest of the afternoon at the Bento’s pool yard.  Had a nice day and enjoyed being outside for most of it.

Lisa and the kids got me an outdoor couch for the patio for Father’s Day.  I’d been poking around on something like that for a while, so I could stretch out, while being outdoors.  It’s really cool and she and Q put it together for me too.  Grateful for a thoughtful wife and family and that we can afford such luxuries.

I’m also closing in on buying a new PA for the rehearsal space.  I had been wanting to upgrade my old Bose towers for a while, but it didn’t make sense unless I could sell the old gear.  I don’t like dealing with selling gear, but stumbled on a chance to sell them when I connected with Joe a few days back.  He’s got the same system and one of his towers died and he’s been looking for a replacement.  So I gave him a good deal for cheap and had most of the money to buy something newer.  Grateful again that I have the financial freedom to spend money on things I want, that aren’t necessities.

6/18/20:  Showed the revised trailer to Josh and Crystal last night and talked about some next steps.  They really loved it of course and I’m always glad to connect with both of them.  I asked about a meeting with the Sheriff to showcase the video and see if he can assist us in connecting the dots for our internal proposal and connect us with other local prison leadership.  Super grateful to continue the relationship with MSO and see where we can go next.

I visited Dave’s place last night for a mid-week hang, as they cancelled their practice last minute.  I was able to show the video to Dave and Mike and Noah, which also felt good.  I’m so proud of the project and of the video, it’s gratifying to be able to share a tiny bit of the experience with others.  Mike had lots of questions/comments, which we had discussed previously.  It’s insightful for me to hear about because I never had any qualms about doing a project to help prisoners, but I think many people do.  There’s a sentiment that those folks simply need to be punished, without much understanding as to why they are there, who they are and what the consequences are of treating them poorly.  In any case, it felt great to discuss some of those topics and I think Mike had a mild change of heart, even though I don’t feel it’s imperative for me to change anyone’s mind.  Grateful for positive discussions with friends.

Afterward, I put out the subject of teaming up on a summer gig.  They both seemed pretty into it and we started throwing out some ideas.  Sounds like Dave’s house is the logical choice of location and I agree it will make the best use of space, parking, etc.  Still lots of details to be sorted, but the idea of getting energy behind an event is always nice.  I enjoyed having last year off from this task, but it’s in me to do these things and I think this one will come together relatively easily, without much pressure on the fundraising side to sell tickets.  Again, grateful for my friend circle to be filled with such generous and talented people.

6/17/20:  Heard from Crissy yesterday that she might have resolution on another of the OMG charges!  Actually, she had a verbal agreement with them to repay me $3,850 from round #2 of the social media stuff.  I signed a document and scanned it back and am awaiting signature from OMG.  There are payment terms that stretch it over 2 phases, but even considering there to be a light at the end of this tunnel is immensely gratifying.  Easily one of the most emotionally draining occurances in my life and certainly the most negative on the Rawkstars side.  Crissy has been invaluable and I’m so thankful for her support, friendship and skills on the professional side.

Also ticked a few new Fan Club members yesterday and showed the finished trailer to a handful of folks.  The feedback is strong and I’m very hopeful about what doors it may help unlock.  Grateful to have participated in such an exceptional, creative endeavor.  Would love more of that.

6/16/20:  Hit the bike path with Joe M. yesterday.  Was nice to get out on a random day and show someone its glory.  Joe’s going through a tough personal time and it was great just to be able to talk and connect.  I hope it helped in some small way and I was grateful for the human connection.

In the evening I cut the grass, since I didn’t have a chance to do it over the weekend.  Seemingly insignificant, but I actually enjoy the process and being outside working up a mild sweat.  I’m appreciative of the chance to connect in a small way with the outdoors and beautifying my yard.

6/15/20:  Went down to Connecticut to visit Bones and Maggy yesterday.  It was a nice day to drive and Lisa and I headed down around lunchtime.  We sat out back at their house in the pool yard and talked.  They brought pizza from one of the local New Haven style joints that we talk about regularly.  Had a couple beers and just caught up mostly.  I brought some old pics and we rifled through those a bit.  It was nice to spend some time with them and I was grateful Lisa came along, as she originally was planning to have lunch with her gym crew but changed her mind last minute.

Got the second draft of the GBB trailer last night from Doga and it looks awesome.  I sent back tiny edits to the titles and am hopeful it will be done today, so I can start using it to potentially sell the program to some folks.  Super thankful for the creative energy and support from Doga and Jonas, as mentioned several times.

6/12/20:  Hit the bike path yesterday by myself for a nice 12 mile ride.  Enjoyed a quiet Friday afternoon and soaked up plenty of sunshine.  In the evening, I made a fire out back and we sat for a couple hours before bed, listening to music mostly.  Simple day but grateful for the opportunity to be alive.

6/11/20:  Got a new cut of the GBB trailer yesterday from Jonas.  It looks awesome and shows much more of the inmate/officer interactions.  I’ll be connecting with him today to provide tiny bits of feedback and hopefully get some titles and text added.  From there, I’m hopeful to start using it, at least privately, to try and raise awareness and hopefully funding for the project.  I’m still not sure when things will officially open at the prison, but I want to be in position to quickly get back in there once it’s possible.  Super grateful for Jonas’ help with everything really.  Connecting with him was a real blessing on many levels for me.

6/10/20:  Second day of solid food intake and walking again.  Nice to feel both of those again.  I had a work call with some folks from the Diversity / Employee Engagement group as well, to talk about Rawkstars/GBB.  I enjoyed the chance to speak with them and hoping it gets me closer to some kind of relationship with Hasbro.  Getting some resources from them would be a humungous boost for either program and give us a chance to get in front of many new folks.  Super grateful to work for such a philanthropic and progressive company.  I’ve been at several and Hasbro fits the bill.

Continuing to push down the path of Fan Club signups for the charity and making slow, but steady progress.  I’ve just passed the value of 50 memberships.  We need 150 to ‘break even’ on the lesson portion of the program along with our fixed monthly bills for phone, subscriptions, etc.  so I’m 1/3rd of the way there.  Ultimately, the goal is to get to 300, which will give us the opportunity to add a few students, do some special projects during the year (recording, performance, etc.) and even have some funds to have someone manage the social media and other recurring tasks.  Super grateful for the folks who have signed up already and even for getting the motivation together to get on the path, after months of obstacles and procrastination.

Got most of the $1,998 back from Jamie Palmer yesterday.  Crissy had sent her a letter from the law office and also contacted her via phone/email.  She eventually got in touch and threatened to sue, if payment was not made.  She paid via PayPal, which cost me $45, but that’s been par for the course in dealing with this woman.  I don’t know if there is any way we can get refunded for the second round of $3,850 I feel she stole from Rawkstars, but for today I am grateful that we were able to recoup at least some of that money.  It should help me make another step forward emotionally, as I’ve detailed here before that has been difficult.  I donated $2,500 of my own money earlier this year and am awaiting the match from Hasbro.  When that arrives, I figure I’ll have repaid $5k of the approximately $7,700 down the drain from her social media ‘expertise’.  Grateful for the help Crissy provided and her friendship.

6/9/20:  Had a solid day of food intake and got out for a walk.  Went by myself, which wasn’t bad, and resulted in a strong pace.  I tend to walk a bit faster alone, for some reason.  Thankful for the small act of getting through the day with mindfulness and self-care.

Started watching The Handmaid’s Tale with Lisa a few nights ago.  Been in my queue for a year and finally getting around to it.  The story is sad but the production is excellent.  Peggy Olson from Mad Men is the star and she is immense.  I so enjoy well done productions and the show is very well done.  Grateful to live in the golden age of tv with such strong, compelling, well made productions aplenty.

6/8/20:  Ventured to Matunuk Oyster Bar and invited KP and Bill along.  It was nice to go to a restaurant for the first time in 3+ months.  It was also nice to connect a bit with new friends.  We enjoyed the ride and I got to know those guys a bit better.  The food was good as usual, but I didn’t make the best choices, getting fried clams and fries :/ — overall I didn’t have a great weekend of food choices and I’m aiming to turn myself around.  Feeling less fit recently and not being mindful about food.  Grateful for a new chance today to reset and have a better day.

6/7/20:  Went over Mike’s last night for some BBQ and a few drinks.  Dave/Liza/Doug/Sue were there of course.  It’s been nice to have some of that human contact the last couple weekends.  I didn’t get much accomplished yesterday but managed to help our neighbor Dave, pull a stump out of his yard.  I was eating lunch on the porch and saw him struggling to remove it.  I just did that a couple weekends ago and it was a lot of work.  I tossed my boots on and walked over with my shovel and we got it out.  Grateful for such cool neighbors and for being able to offer some assistance.  Dave has helped me with tons of stuff over the years and I like to return the favor when I can.

6/6/20:  Got more work done on the RS/website/back-end stuff yesterday.  I enlisted some help from Nate, my friend at work.  He’s a college student on our team and really skilled with technology.  Trying to get some meta data from the fan club form posting properly to Stripe, namely customer name fields.  Also, trying to get automatic integration with the mailchimp list, using zapier, to create a processing path for this.  I had both ‘mostly’ working, but Nate is going to try and clean up a few bits I got stuck on.  He also seemed interested and willing to help me with Google Ads, down the road.  That, along with other marketing efforts, will be important areas as I continue to build the lifecycle of the pipeline from sourcing customers to being able to reconnect with them.  Grateful to have a strong network of talented people who are willing to help me with this stuff.

I also spent time getting separate accounts setup across FB, Instagram, YouTube and LinkedIn for Guitars Behind Bars.  I made some creative banners and logos and got each page setup.  They are all empty at this point but I’ve secured the user names and have clean workspaces for eventual use.  Small things but chipping away at more each day on this journey towards financial success for these two companies.

6/5/20:  Took the day off and rode the East Bay bike path yesterday.  Was a gorgeous day and I’m aiming to start burning my ample vacation days.  Last summer I missed tons of days when Lisa and the kids would hit the pool or beach, but this year I’m geared up to take lots of time off.  I started by meeting Jim Peluso for coffee down in Barrington.  He reached out and invited me, which felt really nice.  I enjoy his company greatly and respect him as a person.  After that I headed south.  I took a pretty mellow ride and stopped to snap pics.  Once I got down to Bristol, I trolled around the city a bit, stopped in the park and grabbed a beer at the outdoor patio I usually stop at.  Saw 2 guys i knew from Hasbro IT and bought them a round of drinks.  Grateful for all the time off my company provides and for being able to take advantage of the beautiful weather once again.  Also grateful my body is still able to exercise.  I actually found that the ride I tool was not long or rigorous enough.  Next time out I plan to start further up the trail so I can get a longer, more tiring experience.

6/4/20:  Took the leap yesterday and sent out my first email to a short list (25) of folks in furtherance of the Rawkstars fan club project.  I had been waiting for the right time since I hit the Corona pause button, but really it felt more like stalling.  Guessing it will be a slow, long uptick from here but getting passed that first emotional hurdle felt good.  I’m going to spend the next several weeks pushing on this, as I would have in past years fundraising or selling tickets to a gig.  Long term goal is 300, but I’m aiming for 150 in the near term.  That will buy us much time and allow me to strategize how to get some new faces on our list and to begin delighting the ones that sign up early.  I won’t forget that part, I promise.  Grateful for all that has been done in the name of RS for all these years and for anyone who takes this latest leap of faith with me, even if it turns out to be fewer than I hope.

6/3/20:  Grateful for all Rawkstars has brought to my life.  I’ve met so many amazing people through my musical journey and being able to share that with a few hundred kids and their families is beyond awesome.  I’ve got so much energy around the GBB project and have dropped a few emails lately.  I sent one to the CEO of Hasbro, and that’s trickling down to others that I hope will lead me to a meaningful connection at eOne.  I also emailed Bob Lefsetz, who i’ve been reading for years.  My experience makes me understand that these alone probably won’t lead to anything.  The energy that I’m being filled with though is another story.  Grateful to be gettting momentum in my quest to fundraise for these projects and make a difference for the world through music.

6/2/20:  Walked with Lisa at the park yesterday.  She almost always goes with the girls but they missed a day so we were able to go together.  It was nice and I’m glad we got some time alone, which we haven’t had a ton of lately.  I also rode into Hasbro for the first time in 3 months.  I picked up some stuff from my desk, since we are homebound through the summer.  Grateful for my company and their support through this period of time.

The world has been chaotic, with the killing of George Floyd, an innocent black man choked to death by a cop.  I wrote an email to our CEO telling him about the Guitars Behind Bars program.  I think small projects like that go a long way towards connecting people of color with each other and even with the corrections community.  We saw a lot of that during our pilot and all the officers told us they saw changes in the guys and their relationships improved greatly as a result.  I’m hoping to get Hasbro/eOne involved with the project perhaps to help with funds or even through their music network.  In any case, I’m thankful again for their support and for the platform to potentially expand what we want to do.

Had a Zoom call with DiMario and his mom Marie.  They are awesome people and I was so happy to connect with them.  It reminded me about where the love of Rawkstars is for me.  Planning to use the video to put together a story for our donors in the next week or two.  Another baby step on the journey to fan club phase 2.0.

5/31/20:  At risk of sounding like a broken record, spent the afternoon doing yard work yesterday.  It was gorgeous out and nearly hit 80.  I shoveled rock into the old bed at the corner of the driveway.  I did it by hand, one shovel at a time, so I could evenly spread it, mixing it with the old stone.  I also weeded it, by hand and picked out a ton of sticks and other debris.  It took me a few hours and I actually enjoyed it.  I had a cool funk mix on the speaker which gave me a ton of energy while I worked.  It came out excellent and I was really proud of myself for taking my time and having it come out as good as possible, instead of rushing.  I was so motivated that I actually mowed the entire lawn afterward.  The yard looks awesome and I’m so grateful that I’ve been pushing myself to stay active, enjoy the process and get in some physical work this month.  We ended the day with all 4 of us outside at the fire after dinner.

5/30/20:  Spent an hour with Q stacking firewood in the yard.  He’s not generally big on working outside or helping with yard work, but agreed to give me a hand.  It was nice and he didn’t complain.  We got all the wood stacked neatly and as always, it felt good to make the yard look just a bit nicer.  Grateful for a bit of father/son time, especially doing something with physical effort.

Spoke with Greg yesterday on the phone.  He got married last week and is as happy as I’ve ever known him to be.  It’s really nice to hear his voice and I can tell how much love he has for Rebecca.  I’m really glad they found each other and it’s awesome to see someone so happy.  Greg’s a sweet dude and I’m thankful for our friendship.

5/29/20:  After getting the situation with my bike settled, I took it out yesterday for a ride.  I did 10 miles and it felt good.  I spent about the same amount of time I would have walking, but definitely pushed myself harder.  Aiming to incorporate more riding and perhaps develop a pattern of walk/ride/jog that I can outline and follow through the summer.  Grateful to be motivated enough to get out there and push myself in small ways.

Had a concall with Jonas yesterday after a few months of not connecting.  Was nice to see his face and catch up a bit.  He said that the donation we sent to him was really impactful.  Not so much in that $500 changed things financially, but he said it inspired he and Tariana to give back to others.  They created a grant program for donating video services and did some pro-bono work for the city of Chelsea, among other things.  He also said it came at an awesome time, as they had been fighting earlier in the day and it gave them something to share and talk about positively.  So grateful that we were able to make others feel that kind of gratitude, by just sharing a bit of our own good fortune.

5/28/20:  Chatted with some friends randomly in an effot to stay connected.  Hit up Mike Andrews and we talked about how we both are mostly enjoying the new normal, with a touch of guilt.  He told me about his training regimen and it sounds like he’s crushing it.  It motivated me to get out for a run, which i did with Q.  Just the 2 mile school run, but I did much better than a couple weeks ago when we did it.  Pace was actually strong (11:10) and I felt more even than the first time.  Still need to build some endurance but aiming to try the 5k fun run on Monday, even though the club isn’t officially meeting to run.  He also told me he’s been doing like 60 miles per week on the bike and I got mine out of the shed in an effort to fix the flat tire.  Sounds lame but I’ve never changed a bike tire/tube before.  I watched a video and searched online for what size tube I needed.  I drove to the bike shop and picked one up, came home and changed it!  Thankful that I am still able to get some motivation going and for connecting with Mike.

5/27/20:  Had a zoom chat with Crystal and Josh from PACT last night. It was nice to ‘see’ them both and reconnect a little.  We talked about the potential of trying out some chromebooks with internet access so the guys could access music programming.  There is another partner they have who is going to be piloting this and if it goes well, we can most likely piggy-back on that as an option.  It would be great to get some services going again with them and to support the guys.  It made me even more aware of their plight as Crystal told me they’ve been locked down upwards of 20 hours per day, since they don’t have enough staff to monitor them outside the cells, as usual.  Grateful for the chance to help and continue our relationship with MSO.  I was also able to show them the trailer for the doc project and I think they really liked it.  Thankful we got so much footage before the virus stuck and hopeful we can return to some regular programming over there later in the summer.

5/26/20:  Wrapped up Memorial weekend yesterday.  Spent parts of every day working in the yard.  I’ve been mentioning this a lot and it’s been really great.  I have all the various planters in nice shape, the lawn looks strong and I’ve cut down more of the overgrowth than ever before.  I’ve been burning lots of wood also, and actually finished the last of it yesterday.  I spent about 4 hours (mostly) alone a the firepit.  I wateched the birds, tended the fire and did some reading.  Dave Purdy dropped in for a while and we talked, which was nice.  I’ve enjoyed the downtime for the most part and gotten more used to spending time alone and slowing down.  I’m thankful for that and also for having so much time and attention to make the yard look nice.

5/23/20:  Started the long Memorial Day weekend yesterday with the best weather we’ve had so far this year.  It was in the high 70s and warm from the start.  Had breakfast out on the balcony, which is immense.  I spent a few hours doing more yard work.  I added some rocks to a couple of planters out back, and got the bird feeders setup.  Dug some more large rocks out of the woods and decorated the footing a bit.  I also dug out a large bush/tree that was dead on the side of the yard, and severely trimmed another that was adjacent.  I’m planning to make a nice bed in that area, but I ran out of steam yesterday as the removal was quite taxing.  Felt great, as usual, to expend so much energy doing this kind of work.  Yard is looking better each weekend and I’m grateful for the time, energy and even the fact that I have a nice yard space to work with.

5/22/20:  Walked with Lisa yesterday.  We’ve gone together only a few times.  She is generally with the girls from the gym and I am usually with  one or both kids, or by myself.  It was nice to walk together and continue the momentum of getting out and moving, with some nice sunshine above.

Got a note from Hasbro about delivering my chair this week.  Seems petty, but having my work chair is going to be incredibly cool.  I had been trolling around considering buying something once I realized I’m home for the long haul.  Even a used Herman Miller is like $500 so I was really pumped when they agreed to let us take them home.  Grateful once again for all my company does for me and my family.

5/21/20:  Nothing big happened, so I’m marinating in the gratitude of sunshine that we’ve enjoyed lately.  It’s been hovering around 70, but the sun is strong.  Got outside and walked again.  Averaging about 10 miles per week and looking to get in a run this weekend.

5/20/20: Having some semi-productive days at work recently.  Starting to on-board some new folks, which is always a good process.  Also met with a new team yesterday that seems quite interested in working together.  They have a very similar group and I think would be an ideal candidate for collaboration.  It’s small but always feels good to connect with new, like-minded folks at the office.

Making strides on the GBB website each day.  It really is a fun, productive process building a website.  I love the problem solving and see the full picture slowly take shape.  I got an email last night from Crystal over at PACT.  She and Josh are looking to see if we have some content that could be shared with the guys to learn music remotely.  As usual, the challenge will be delivering something offline, without benefit of leveraging the internet.  I’m trying to schedule a zoom call with them to discuss.  I’m pumped they reached out as I am chomping at the bit to get back to this work and see if we can get our original proposal revived and approved.  This could be a small way to generate some momentum towards that, as we eek slowly towards opening society up again.  Grateful for the chance to continue this project.  Also psyched to share the website/trailer with them, as nobody from the facility has yet seen it.

5/19/20:  Finally started making some progress with my new website for GBB.  I got passed the refund process with my first theme, which turned out to be a blessing.  Instead, I purchased a new theme, which is AWESOME.  I had some tech hurdles at the outset, but managed to figure them out, mostly on my own.  I got things installed and configured.  I also designed a logo, which I’m pretty happy with and started to populate the theme with some basic content.  I’m finding lately that I really enjoy the process and it makes me recall my days as a web developer fondly.  Grateful that I have a creative outlet at the moment and am making progress on something I care about.

5/18/20:  Gorgeous weather over the weekend. I’m sure it’s been mentioned here, but I operate so much better when it’s warm.  The sun was out and I worked hard in our yard both days.  I spreadh 3+ yards of mulch across the main island in front and for the gingko tree on the driveway side.  i also filled our side planter with rocks, mowed and brought a few large fieldstones from the woods.  Thankful for the sun and for being productive outdoors.

We had our first foray with socializing on Saturday.  We went over Dave and Liza’s place for a hang on the patio.  Mooney’s, Kasts and Alex were also there.  It was nice to see everyone and connect with some others in person.  Hopeful that we can start to have small gatherings like this more frequently, without the fear or guilt of proximity.

5/15/20:  Had a run with Q 2 days ago.  Haven’t pushed myself to run in2+ months.  It was rough and hard but felt great.  We did just 2 miles, which was what I set out for.  The Raynham fun run series is supposed to start up in June and I want to be able to get on that again.  It’s 3.2 so I need to get built up again.  Quincy really enjoyed it also as he hasn’t run for some time and I think he really misses it.  Super grateful that I can still get out there and even if I’m not in great shape, I’m able to push myself to keep trying.

Things hae been icy between Lisa and I.  I think we are all suffering a bit from the routine.  We chatted a bit about it, which felt good.  As the day wore on, I think we both started to mellow a bit and I’m thankful for that.  Lisa has been the love of my life since day #1 and I want to do what I can to make things cool at home.  Looking forward to a great Friday and sunny weekend of productivity.

I signed up for the Storytelling Workshop, from Akimbo.  I’ve been a Seth Godin fan for 10+ years and this is the first time I’ve taken the leap to join one of his courses.  It’s just ramping up and I’m getting used to the interface and how to interact with the cohort.  It’s a little clumsy to start, but I conneted with some folks yesterday and felt a small sense of what I think it will be like.  Grateful for taking the leap and putting myself out there to learn.

5/12/20:  Grateful today simply for being employed.  I often take my job for granted.  I also often wish it were ‘better’.  More engaging for sure, took better advantage of my skills, yes.  More impactful and with a better title even.  That said, I don’t think I’ve ever been defined by my job, at least since being out of the music biz.  I’ve had Rawkstars, fatherhood and other important designations which carried more weight with me than my job.  As I look around the landscape and see where I’m at in life, I’m thankful that I have a job which supports my other life goals, like taking care of the family, being low stress and not demanding too much of my energy.  In some ways, those are negatives, but today they are positives.

5/11/20:  Simple day yesterday.  Spent a few hours doing yardword.  Finished the patio powerwashing and it looks great!  I also cut the lawn and edged, so it looks really nice.  Afterward, I sat outside and lit a fire.  Bella came out and we listened to music, mostly quietly, for a couple hours.  It was simple and a nice way to spend the afternoon.  Lisa came back from her walk and we gave her the “rock” tequila and the kids made her some cards.  She cooked a huge rack of ribs for dinner which were awesome and we caught up on Riverdale with the kids before bed.  Grateful for the simplicity of the day and for being together.

5/10/20:  Succeeded in getting back on track with my eating yesterday.  Made a beautiful Mediterranean bean soup with tomato pesto and enjoyed a pre-Mother’s Day dinner with Lisa.  I also got to the park for a walk with Bella, which was excellent.  I’m continuing with my stretching and besides the stumble on Friday, am feeling good.

Today is Mom’s Day.  I’m feeling grateful for the amazing mothers in my world.  Of course Lisa, my wife.  She’s an amazing partner and mom.  She takes care of tons of stuff for all of us and often goes unsung.  My own mom, who put up with a ton from me as a kid, is still there in my corner.  She is stuck in her ways of course, but I never doubt how much she loves me and my family.  My nana, the rock of the family.  She taught me the ways of simplicity that I strive for.  My mother in law, who is as selfless as they come.  She puts herself behind everyone else’s well being and is a super caring person.  Truly grateful for the mothers around me and the example they set.

5/9/20:  Right on cue yesterday, after weighing myself and feeling positive about my eating, I crashed.  I snacked and overate aggressively last night as we watched movies and sat around after a cold, rainy day.  I had something in my mind about permission, which definitely happens when I see results on the scale.  I definitely overdid it, realized I was doing so, and did it anyhow.  Today I am grateful for the chance to start over and begin anew.  I did manage to get a very nice walk in yesterday, and thankful that I’ve kept that streak going and continue to see the value in the process.

5/8/20:  I’m down about 8lbs since the lockdown.  I’ve generally not been weighing myself, but did a couple weeks back and again this morning.  When covid hit, I had been swirling.  For months really, since sometime last fall.  The lockdown has helped focus me and keeping a routine and being mindful have been effective.  I was at 255 at the outset and today clocked 247.  I’m still aiming to trend down, towards my ‘fighting weight’ of about 240/242.  That seems to be where I generally hover when I’m in a decent spot.  It’s probably still high long-term, but I’ve learned that my body seems to like it there, for whatever reason.  Taking it one day at a time and breathing.  Grateful.

Yesterday I had my first Starbucks from a shop in 50+ days.  It was beautiful!  Of course I’ve been making coffee all along, but something about a freshly brewed cup from the store is still great.  Bella has been keeping tabs on the re-opening of course, and she took Q there yesterday to get their faves and brought me back a small black.  Thankful for the little things!

5/7/20:  Walked yesterday, with Q.  Did the long loop again and this time I tracked my activity using Runkeeper.  I never really used these tools much and haven’t ever really been motivated by doing so.  That said, it was kinda satisfying to use it yesterday, for some reason.  I’m planning to repeat that and see if I can ‘up’ my level of regularity with the walking and stick with the longer distance.  I’ve been doing a solid job overall of keeping my activity and eating levels solid during the 7+ week lockdown, but I know I have room for improvement still.  Grateful for the opportunity for extra bandwidth and want to make more of it in this way.

After my second flirtation with switching accounting apps, I decided yesterday to stay with quickbooks, and downgraded my subscription.  It’s within the theme of lessening my bills and will save Rawkstars about $35 a month.  Not a huge amount but coupled with the cell phone consolidation, I’m looking at decreasing RS budget by $900 annually, which is worthwhile.  It also saves me the hassle of exporting/importing and the learning curve of new software.  Grateful for the motivation to make things slightly better and for following through.

Got a really nice thank-you card from Jonas and Tariana after they received our donation to their business last week.  They said they were planning to pay it forward and I’m grateful to know our support will potenailly impact others as well.

5/6/20:  Got to the park and walked the long loop (3.2) by myself.  I had planned to go with the kids but things blew up a bit before leaving the house.  Bella has been procrastinating over submitting for the $1,000 scholarship she got from THS.  It was literally available at the end of semester #1.  Here we are at the end of year one and she still hasn’t submitted the paperwork.  There is also a scholarship available from Hasbro.  She’s known about it for months.  I’ve asked her about each multiple times andno action.  I realize she is on her own timetable and these are chores for her.  That said, I called her out on it yesterday as I was frustrated by her inaction, when I’ve been doing as much as humanly possible to stash money in her college fund.  It escalated and she left our conversation and went in her room.  I’m not proud of how I handled it and I lost my calm a bit for sure.  That said, I think it’s positive that I showed her how I felt, even if it wasn’t the most productive method.  I think we/I have been doing too much to cover some of the things she should be taking care of.  Part of our job as parents is to make sure she learns about some of the grinding tasks and chores that are part of life and to be able to prirotize and get them taken care of.  Grateful to be learning as a parent still and interested in the well being of my kids enough to keep trying to get better.

5/4/20:  The last 2 days were beautiful.  We’ve all been waiting for a stint of warm, sunny weather and it finally came.  Did a lot of yard work again.  I finished up a little entrance area I filled with stone transitioning from our grass to the patio.  It had been transformed into mud over the last couple years since our grub damage and I decided to try and improve it.  I laid the bed and rocks on top, then yesterday I spent a few hours pulling large field stones out of the woods to border it.  It came out nice and I really got a great workout in.  I also continued power washing the patio and though I am still not done, I got a huge chunk completed and it looks so much better.  My body felt good all day, whereas I usually start to get sore and afterward my back would be hurting.  I had good energy and felt good afterward.  Took the kids to Amaro’s after dinner, because I didn’t want the weekend to end.  It’s our local ice cream shop and just opened this weekend for the season.  Really grateful at such a productive weekend filled with nice weather and energy.

5/3/20:  Beautiful day yesterday, spent a few hours doing yard work.  I continued power washing the patio and have about 1/2 of it done.  It looks great.  I’m going to have to go back and fill in the crevices with stone dust, but the progress is nice to see.  I also began filling in the mud area adjacent to the patio with stone.  I cut the grass out, raked, laid a weed barrier and piled about 12 carts full of stone.  It looks better, though I still need to clean up the edges today.  Lisa mowed the lawn and picked up some debris, so the yard is looking decent.  It was nice to spend some time outdoors and working.  My body was of course spent afterward, but I managed to do a 3.2 mile walk with the family over at the park.  It was nice to feel tired from physical activity and aiming for more today, with another nice day outside.

5/2/20:  Spent a few hours yesterday getting the Rawkstars books in shape.  I typically keep very good records and regularly reconcile my accounts.  Over the last few months, with the OMG debacle, they have gotten messy.  I am not an accounting expert and once things go awry, I often struggle to fix them.  In my efforts to consolidate and look for ways to save money, I decided to switch to a new accounting software.  It made cleaning things up more critical and I was able to really make progress.  I had a few things I couldn’t resolve and chatted with Ed for a while, which also helped.  I’m nearly ready to make the switch and have just one more item to resolve to clear up all the accounts.  Grateful for the ability and time to make this happen and for support of friends when I need it.

Things continue to be solid for us on the money side.  Lisa has been getting deposits from unemployment which exceed our typical income.  We’ve been paying the credit card regularly to zero and have also been stashing some in the college and slush funds.  Feels good to be on stable footing, at least for now.  I know things change quickly but I am grateful for the current state of affairs in our financial world.

Bella finished her last final exam yesterday for Freshman year.  She won’t know her grades for a bit yet, but I’m proud of her.  I know the transition wasn’t easy, the work is much harder and she had to deal with the disruption of the pandemic and coming home to distance learning.  I’ve got lots of strong feelings about the college system and despite those, I am proud of how she handled everything.  Grateful for such great kids.

5/1/20:  Today is Bella’s last day of freshman year.  Even though I loathe the industrial college system, I’m proud of her.  She got disrupted big time by the virus, but has been sticking with it from home and I’m expecting her to have solid grades, for whatever that is worth.  I’m thankful we had enough money to pay for year #1, even though I didn’t want to.  I’m glad Bella feels supported and that we raised a daughter who is doing what she thinks is right, regardless of what I think.

Made a bit more progress on the accounting switch yesterday.  Investigating a second product as well as integrating with my payment proceessor, Stripe.  It’s a complex landscape to navigate and I’m finally making headway plowing through the inertia of tasks like this.  I also signed up for a new credit card provider, to cut the cord with Capital One after their complete lack of support in the OMG mess.  It feels good to have forward momentum on lots of small things and the daily progress, even when small, is a good reminder about why it’s important to feel productive in our work.

4/30/20:  Had a ‘coffee’ meeting with a new friend from Istanbul, Turkey yesterday.  Met him through the Hasbro network and we setup time to simply get to know each other.  Muruthan seems like a really great guy.  He told me lots about Istanbul and the office there.  I tremendously enjoy getting to know new people and being open like that.  I’d love to get the opportunity to visit some of the global Hasbro offices and perhaps begin a working relationship with some of those folks.  Might give me insight into a landing spot for the next phase of life, and even potential for work, if that’s part of the equation.  Grateful for the opportunity and for my new friend.

4/29/20:  After getting my blog moved to the new host, I took some time yesterday for cleanup work.  I migrated all my daily notes from Evernote and got everything formatted in the WordPress editor.  As I was poking around to make sure the pages were intact, I noticed I never finished the ‘About’ section, so I spent some time writing my story there.  It felt good to work on something and to write.  Got a couple more small items planned for today along the same lines and am grateful for the small satisfaction that came from working on something like this.

I also did a bit of research about switching to a new accounting software.  QBO has become super expensive for Rawkstars and I am looking for ways to slash our expenses.  I found a new package and started setting up the chart of accounts.  Instead of waiting for help, I dove in and got things in a decent spot.  I reached out to Donna to ask for her help in getting my accounts reconciled, so I can transition with a clean balance sheet.  I typically keep meticulous books and always have my statements reconciled each month.  Since the OMG dispute began, that feel apart.  I sent her all the materials and am sure she can get us back to a good place, so I can migrate to the new system.

I also got a draft letter in regards to the OMG issue from Crissy.  After sitting with her last week, I sent a lot of materials and she drafted a legal letter informing OMG of our intention to sue.  I’ve got a bit of feedback to send today, but it feels good to see someone taking up this cause and supporting Rawkstars (and me) to get some resolution.  I’m super grateful for the help of friends, especially when it comes to Rawkstars.  Crissy and Donna have done lots over the years and I am blessed to have their help as well as their friendship.

4/28/20:  Yesterday was a gloomy day.  The weather has been terrible and it was super raw and rained much of the last 48 hours.  I felt it as did Lisa and Bella.  Had a somewhat crummy meeting at work which soured my mental state for the next few hours.  I was kinda able to recognize and tried to ‘feel’ it happening and pay attention.  Didn’t do a great job but I suppose the fact that I’m writing about it here is a good indicator that I was able to be mindful.  That doesn’t mean reacting perfectly.  In fact, feeling the waves of emotion on occasion is totally normal and healthy.  Being able to see what is taking place and feel your way to calm, is the activity I’m looking for.  Grateful that today I have a chance to rebound and enjoy another day of life.

In the evening, we watched some youtube music, as has happened lately, with all the live streams taking place.  We watched a few songs from ‘Metallica Monday’ as they’ve been releasing concerts every Monday night.  I showed Bella the ‘Black Album’ version of the band and she noticed Newsted was different from their current bassist, Robert Trujillo.  So I explained to her about Cliff Burton and we then watched a couple old vids, including Day on the Green and another from the Kill Em All tour.  Was cool to share that with her and seeing James over the years is always a point of awesomeness for me.  He’s the Elvis of my lifetime.

4/26/20:  After talking with Lisa, we decided to send $500 to my friend Jonas in support of his company.  Been wanting to ‘pay it forward’ with some of the good financial fortune we’ve experienced lately.  There are a ton of orgs collecting money for WHO and restaurant workers, etc.  Those are worthy causes but I’m more interested in supporting someone more directly, especially someone I know who can use help.  Jonas’s company works with a lot of community based nonprofits, like Rawkstars.  He’s gone above and beyond for us and without his compassion and commitment to our cause, we never could have afforded to partner with him.  He’s also become a friend that I trust and I’ve come to know what kind of person he is.  I know it won’t move the needle too much for him, but if it helps pay a small bill or get him through another month until his clients can return, I want to help keep him going.  He was telling important community stories before the virus started and will be doing so after it’s gone.  I’m thankful to be able to share a tiny bit of our good fortune with someone who deserves help.

4/25/20:  I got this blog moved from my prior host, and moved it under the Rawkstars host, as an addon domain.  I figured out how to do this last week as I was installing the new template I’m using for the Guitars Behind Bars site.  I realized I could move this site as well and save some money, plus simplify things technically having them all with one host.  It took some experimenting but today everything is up and running.  Grateful that I have some tech chops still, even if they aren’t as relevant as they used to be.

I spent some time yesterday re-compiling all the materials from the OMG dispute to send to Crissy.  I don’t know if any of that will ultimately be resolved, but I’m taking baby steps towards putting that chapter behind me.  I also resolved to finally pay my credit card bill in full, and will be changing cards today.  It’s going to mean Rawkstars is at its lowest point of funding in a few years, in the middle of a pandemic, but I’m finally at the point where I feel that is the best option.  It will help me further separate from the debacle and push me a bit in getting to some fundraising again, even if that is scary at this time.

4/24/20:  Paid for Bella’s summer class yesterday, using some of the rebate check we got from the school.  I also have the full amount for her July tuition payment and even perhaps a few thousand extra, depending on the exact total.  We also paid our credit card down to zero, paid some extra on our home equity line and stashed a bit of money in our ‘slush fund’.  It feels good to be in a solid financial place, at least for now.  I know many others are hurting in this area and I’m planning to send a small check (maybe $500) to my friend Jonas, whose business is completely stalled.  He has done so much for Rawkstars and has become a great friend personally and I want to use a bit of our current good fortune to pay it forward.

4/23/20: Got in another walk yesterday with the kiddos.  The time with them has been great and seeking opportunities to get out and walk has also been awesome.  Bella and I made a bit of a pledge to daily walking, during the weekdays.  No reason not to get out there unless the weather is horrible.

I used the rebate from Assumption to pay for her summer class as well.  Grateful to have that covered, to help her stay a step ahead of the game on her degree.  We still had money leftover and I’m thinking about how to use that.

Spent an hour chatting with Crissy about the OMG situation.  She gave me some good advice about reporting the fraud to the police.  Crissy is also going to prepare a letter to send about the second social media payment, which I would like returned.  The whole situation has been one of the worst experiences of my entire life and having it drag out for so long has been awful, to say the least.  I’m glad to have support of friends like Crissy and to take a positive step forward to rectify things, or at least try and move on.

4/22/20:  Matt Simon passed away yesterday.  Not sure what happened exactly, but I knew he had been sick.  Lisa said he had been complaining about not feeling well on FB a couple months ago and lamenting the fact that he didn’t have proper health insurance, being self-employed.  I guess he finally got himself checked out and wound up having a stroke.  He was then in a hospital and had a heart attack I believe.  His girlfriend and some others held a fundraiser for him, as he got transferred to a rehab facility before the virus started.  Last night, she had logged onto FB to see the news that he was gone.  Matt was a good guy.  I knew him as far back as West Elementary, where we both went to school.  He was on my little league team and I can remember his dad bringing him to practice.  As we grew up, he became more of a punk, like I did and we had plenty of overlap in friends.  We lost touch after HS, but like many, rekindled once FB came around.  He had started his own livery business and we hired him for rides to the airport for many of our vacations.  He also was an avid supporter of Rawkstars.  We had his stepson in the program a while back as he was attending school for sound engineering and I helped him out a little bit.  Matt donated some sports memorabilia to one of our auctions and even held his own birthday fundraiser one year.  He loved to talk and was definitely a people person.  His passing is a reminder of how fortunate I am.  I have health insurance and am relatively healthy.  I’m also alive this morning.

4/21/20:  Semi-productive day yesterday.  Got started (finally) on putting together a site for the GBB prison program.  I bought a WP template and got it (mostly) installed at my hosting account.  It felt good to put that idea into action and though I didn’t get super far, I was pretty engaged with the process and it felt good.  I got stuck on something and am in a holding pattern waiting for a support ticket to be answered, but I found myself already looking ahead to continuing to be creative with the build process over the next several days, or however long it takes me.

4/20/20:  Did yard work yesterday, since it was sunny out.  I cut down a 1/2 dead tree near the driveway, that was a real eye sore.  I had trouble with the chainsaw, and the blade was super dull, but I got a sharpener from Dave Purdy, that helped a little.  Dave is a great neighbor and friend.  Always there to lend tools or help with anything.  Grateful we moved in here together nearly 19 years ago.

After the tree work, I did some more cutting with the hand shears, to make progress on the brush removal.  Slow, but I got another small area cleared and opened up to take down another eye sore, 1/2 dead tree, once I replace my chainsaw blade.

Got a bit of work done in the back yard also.  Got the outdoor rug from the attic and hung the lights around the gazebo.  Small updates but every little bit to make the yard more attractive is worthwhile.  Hoping to spend increasing amounts of time out there as it warms up.

It was nice to have a sore body at the end of all the work.  I don’t do a ton of yard/outdoor work but when I do, I always feel it.  I appreciate the fact that I can still work hard and that my body responds when needed.  It’s a nice reminder about how easy I have it with my day job.

Over the morning, we also did some financial wrangling.  As mentioned before, we got our stimulus check, plus Lisa’s ‘extra’ unemployment benefits.  All that cash, plus what I received last month from my Hasbro bonus, has us in a great position.  We have accomplished several goals.  We paid off our credit card to $0.  We have $20k saved in Bella’s college fund for year #2.  We paid extra on our equity line, decreasing the amount we owe.  We even have a small savings account with $2k in it for any emergencies which come up short term.  I finally checked my 401k balance, which I hadn’t done in months due to the market conditions, and I was pleased to see it’s regained more than 1/2 of its losses.  I’m happy with the total and we are on a good path with those investment accounts as well.  I’m extremely grateful to be in such positive financial shape.  Thinking about doing something generous for others who aren’t as lucky.  Deciding between helping a friend whose business has been rocked vs. something more random.

4/19/20:  Had a video call with the HM band guys last night.  It was fun to connect a bit, though the calls are far more awkward than handing in person at rehearsal.  Everyone seems to be holding up ok and still working.  I worry about Paul the most since he has a tenuous financial situation and lives alone.  We had a couple laughs and it made me even more grateful for the musical bond we have.

Played some more yesterday with Lisa.  We worked out Soldier of Fortune, with her using the new piano.  I messed with the chorus and reverb settings on my amp and we had it sounding kinda cool.  Hoping we can keep going down that path and get it recorded, then move on to another.

Played poker with the kids last night before bed.  Q won.  It was fun to teach them and they seemed to legitimately enjoy the game.  Was good to spend some family time, after a week of kinda rough relations.

Saw a super rough cut of the Guitars Behind Bars doc footage.  I asked Jonas for a cut I could use to build a website around, for tone, emotion, etc.  He and Doga had already cut something which was perfect.  It was extremely powerful to watch and an amazing reminder of what we had started.  Seems like a lifetime ago, even though it’s only been 2 months since we wrapped up the pilot.  So hopeful we can pickup where we left off and couldn’t be more thankful for Jonas and Doga for working on this with Rawkstars.  Could really be a game changer for us.

4/18/20:  Went to The Pleasant Cafe last night for pizza.  I had been wanting to have one for a few weeks, but had been trying to keep momentum on my mindful eating.  Decided that I was ready for a splurge yesterday and took the drive with Bella.  We couldn’t get through on the phone, so we wound up having to order once we got there.  It’s about a 40 minute ride, then I had to wait in a fairly long line just to order, with the social distance rules in effect.  It was a strange scene, with masked customers standing so far apart and a bunch of others seated in a spread out section waiting for their orders.  I finally made my way to the order section and we had about a 35 minute wait.  So I drove to Georgetowne and found my grandparents old place.  It was an odd feeling as I hadn’t been back there or driven those roads in many years.  It was familiar but strange.  We spent a ton of time there when we were little kids.  We pretty much visited for dinner every Sunday.  We’d play outside, watch football games, eat and catch part of 60 minutes before heading home.  It was a pretty good time as a kid and I remember both of my grandparents fondly from that era.  We finally got the pizza and brought it home.  While we drove, I listened to music, which I haven’t been doing nearly enough.  It was fun to drive, sing, anticipate the pizza dinner and just exist.  I was grateful afterward for the simple pleasure and that Bella came along with me, even though we didn’t talk too much.

4/17/20:  Yesterday I walked with the kids.  That’s been a semi-regular occurrence and have come to really enjoy the time.  We explored the park and took a longer route than usual.  Lisa has been walking with her gym crew and they are doing like 5-6 miles per day.  We are doing more like 2.5, but it’s enough for me and feels good.  Continuing to have mindful eating habits and feeling overall more healthy than when this started.

We worked on some more music yesterday.  The 21 Pilots song the kids picked was fun, but I need to work on it.  It’s got a simple sounding bass line, which was simple to learn but difficult to play.  It’s very tight and the fingering is awkward for me.  It was fun as we had Q join in on vox and I would be pumped if we can get something together for all 4 of us to perform.

I also worked on Soldier of Fortune with Lisa on piano and Bella singing.  One of my favorite tunes and it sounded pretty good right off the bat.  Lastly, I have been learning Under The Bridge and played it with Bella.  She had to sing it an octave higher, and I thought it was really cool.  Music continues to be a source of enjoyment, connection and productivity during the lockdown.  Grateful.

4/16/20:  In the last couple days, we received the Corona stimulus check along with the rebate from Assumption for Bella’s room & board.  Those total almost 6k.  Along with the bonus I got last month, just before this hit, we now have enough stashed away for the July tuition payment for college.  Since we aren’t in any position to sell the condo, and I still have no clue how long it’s going to take Bob to vacate, this is huge.  We bought more time and are staying ahead of the game.  Who knows what the real estate market will look like post-virus, so it gives us more options if we need to hang onto the properties longer.  We could do a refinance for sure, assuming I’m still employed.  In any case, it’s nice to have this safety net short term and to feel like we aren’t pressured to make any fast decisions on borrowing money.  Couldn’t be more grateful on the financial front.

4/15/20:  Things were a bit tense yesterday (and probably the last couple days) at home.  Everyone is a bit on each other’s nerves and it showed a bit.  It’s not easy having everyone together basically 24/7 and we’ll look for opportunities to make things more special and maybe split up on occasion.  I had an idea about a date night at home for me and Lisa this weekend.  We could use it.

We received a rebate from Assumption for Bella’s room & board the last quarter.  That will really help get us through the next payment, which will be in July, if things stay on course.  Between my bonus and a couple grand we had reserved, we will have enough for payment #3.  Since we are unable to sell the condo as previously planned, this will buy us more time to see how things unfold in the next several weeks.  Thankful for my financial status.

I picked up a keyboard for the house yesterday, which everyone was happy about.  We started to work on a song, and I think Q was convinced to participate.  They picked a 21 Pilots song and it sounded really fun.  Grateful for music of course and for being able to work on something with the whole family that we all enjoy.

4/13/20:  Good weekend to close out week #4 @ home.  Recorded and released the KISS video with the family.  It was really fun and came out decent.  Certainly not perfect but that wasn’t the point.  Thankful to have accomplished that and looking to do some more of those together, maybe with Q this time.

Got plenty of outside time.  Drove to Plymouth Beach with Bella just to take a ride.  We walked on the oceanfront near a closed down strip of what used to be a parking lot.  We didn’t pass anyone the whole time, but it was nice to see and smell and feel the ocean.  Thankful for the time to connect with B, even though we didn’t talk a ton.

Did grocery shopping for the week.  Strange experience.  The store is limiting the amount of shoppers so I had to wait outside in line.  Everyone stayed a few feet apart and were mostly patient.  Inside, nearly everyone was wearing a mask.  I’d say 2/3 of the shoppers were so equipped.  While I was loading up the car, I noticed the parking area was freshly landscaped.  I caught a deep smell of mulch, which is a tell-tale sign of spring around here.  I’m grateful for that smell and for the reminder that some things are continuing.

Speaking of landscaping, I spent much of yesterday in our yard, cleaning up.  I cut back the underbrush by our driveway by about 10 feet.  It’s a nasty area of thick, unruly and unsightly weeds that make keeping the yard attractive more difficult.  I suited up and spent a couple hours working on that.  It felt good as it always does to work with my hands.  Afterward, I sprayed the weeds on the patio and Dave Purdy came by for a bit.  We sat across from each other and chatted for a bit.  I lit the firepit by myself and did some reading for a while.  It was nice outside and felt good to sit next to the warmth on an afternoon when the sun was out.

4/10/20:  Had a cool Teams call with Jim Peluso yesterday.  Haven’t really connected with him since the work at home started.  He’s one of my best friends at the office and one of the folks I admire the most at Hasbro.  It was nice to ‘see’ him and as always, I took something away from our conversation.  He’s a positive influence and resourceful.  Thankful we connected at that time, I needed it.

Last night we all stayed up a bit late together and talked.  Bella and Lisa mostly were working on a family tree.  Bella filled out an online template she found and seemed to really enjoy the process.  Quincy even got involved for some laughs and has finally started to learn some of the tentacles of Lisa’s side of the family.  It was really sweet and something that probably would not have happened were it not for the quarantine.  Another thing to be grateful for.

I’m doing well with my eating and ok with exercise.  I wasn’t quite as active this week, but did manage to get out for several walks, a bit of dumbbell work and several days of pushups and squats.  I’m definitely feeling better.  Today I put on an old t-shirt I haven’t worn in months as a measuring stick and it fit pretty well.  I’m staying away from the scale, but seeing and feeling the results each week.  Grateful most of all for that.

4/8/20:  Took the afternoon off work yesterday.  It’s been weird, and I’m very lightly scheduled.  That said, it feels odd to step away for a day off, when most everyday is spent this way.  Nonetheless, I felt like Bella needed some support and sunshine/movement/fresh air are always positives.  Q came along and we drove to Borderland Park in Easton.  She also drove, which is another regularity she was missing.  We spent a good amount of time just exploring and walking the trails.  Ran into Paul Wabrek, who was out biking.  We took some longer trails and she was getting tired near the end, but we found our way back before it got too rough.  On the way home, she stopped and got a frozen drink at Taco Bell for her and Q.  I definintely think it helped all of us, and she seemed to be in better spirits the rest of the night.  Thankful I had the time and inclination to spend extra time with her and that she responded.

4/7/20:  Into week 4 of the home quarantine.  I think Bella is struggling a bit.  She’s seemed a bit depressed the last couple days and somewhat up/down.  I know it isn’t unusual and I’m hopeful she will open up more about it, so we can talk.  I tried getting her out yesterday to take a drive, but she passed.  The weather was nice and today is supposed to be even warmer, so I will try again to get time with her and check in.  Overall, everyone has been holding up well and I’m thankful we have been stable so far.  Got out for some hiking with Q at a new spot down in Berklee.  Not the greatest place to hike, but it was very lightly populated and I snapped a couple pics with him while we walked.  Always thankful for time to connect with him.  He’s been doing really well despite not being challenged at all on the school side.

4/6/20:  Finished another weekend with solid eating habits.  Avoided junk, ate reasonable portions and got myself moving.  I did 100 pushups yesterday and the day before went for a 3.5 mile walk with Lisa and her fitness crew.  It was a bit too ambitious for my taste, but it pushed me and I felt the work, which I needed.  Definitely feeling like I’m dropping a couple pounds and looking a bit better.  Grateful for the mindful focus lately.

Worked on music again over the weekend with Lisa and Bell.  We learned the Love Gun song and have it down pretty strong.  Yesterday, I spent an hour with Bella learning ‘Only Exception’ by Paramore, her favorite band.  It was fun and she is such a great musician, even at partial effort.  Later in the night, Lisa joined us to add some more vocals.  Our goal is to practice a few more times and then record the songs this week to share, like many have been doing during the quarantine period.  Grateful to be connecting with my family through music and to be creative during this downtime.

4/5/20:  Had a long chat with Dave Malekpour yesterday.  We caught each other on FB and started catching up.  It was really nice and I enjoyed the exchange greatly.  I think Dave is feeling some stress around his business, as many are these days.  He’s worked 30+ years building something really cool and seeing it drop off so sharply and quickly is scary.  I think I was able to provide him a bit of comfort and we talked a lot about our shared history, families, health and music.  I am grateful to have crossed paths with Dave in my personal and professional lives.  He’s a big hearted, smart, talented dude and has made my life better.  It was nice to be able to ‘share’ and connect with someone in these times, even remotely.

4/4/20:  Sat in on a masterclass with Leo Babauta yesterday.  It was really cool to see him ‘virtually’ as I’ve been reading his words for some time now.  He talked about recognizing the feeling of uncertainty and being able to ‘feel’ it in your body, and drop into it, even briefly.  I kinda got what he meant and even experienced it last night.  After dinner, we were doing a family movie and I was really tempted to snack, even though I was not hungry whatsoever.  That concept is not foreign to me :0 — that said, when it happened, I did what Leo suggested.  I tried to drop into my body, specifically my abdomen.  Not because it was hunger, but because often that is where you can feel these emotions.  I felt the discomfort and was able to breathe through the feeling and not react to it.  It came back several times during the movie, and I’m pleased to say I was able to stay mindful.  I’m grateful to have passed that test, if even just for one night and grateful to have connected with Leo, even just online.

4/3/20:  Focusing again on the so called ‘little things’.  We’ve been eating terrific dinners every night.  We’ve also been walking together a lot and occasionally running.  I’ve been sending texts to old friends deep in my contact list that I don’t regularly speak with.  Trying to make an effort to connect with people, since it means more than ever.

I learned yesterday from Ed, that we should be eligible for the stimulus checks the government is sending out to support the economic devastation that is underway.  We are lucky enough to not really need it, but I plan to put it towards Bella’s 3rd school semester, since we most likely won’t be able to sell our property anytime soon.  Grateful for the extra funds and to inch closer to the goal of supporting her through a second full year without loans.

4/2/20:  Grateful for basic life necessities.  Clean water, heat and electricity, great food and a warm bed every night.

Worked on the KISS song with Lisa and Bella yesterday.  We jammed it through just a couple times but it sounded pretty good right away.  Bella actually played acoustic guitar and surprised me with how fast she was able to play.  She’s such a naturally gifted musician, like Lisa.  I got everything setup through the PA and we even took some video to try and get the presentation right.  Aiming to rehearse one more time and then record a live pass to share, like many are doing during the pandemic.  Small connections like this are awesome.

4/1/20:  Continuing to have success with controlling my desire to eat.  I got out and walked with Quincy through the woods as well as pushups and some squats.  I’m proud and grateful that I haven’t given into the cycle of eating that being at home all day might motivate.  I’m feeling a bit better and noticing some small changes in my face and body.  I am purposely not weighing myself as that can be a detriment to my process.  Goal is to get back down to 235/240.  That’s the healthy weight I felt my best for the last several years, while still enjoying myself.

We’ve been doing family movies since the lockdown and yesterday Bella picked The Breakfast Club.  Awesome movie that stands up through the years.  That’s been one of the positive activities since the quarantine started, among many.

3/31/20:  Heard yesterday from Gary Lorimer that Mike Vogel had passed away.  I hadn’t spoken with him in many years, but growing up, he was my very first best friend.  Our families were super close until my folks divorced and I can remember spending so much time with them.  Not sure about the details, but GL indicated he had trouble with alcohol, which his dad also struggled with.  I’m grateful for my relative health and that booze is not something I’ve had real issues with.

Got out for another run with Q yesterday.  We ran his XX-track course over by the high school.  It was nice to get out, especially with him as my partner.  He has to basically dial it way back to keep within sight of me, running behind him, but he seems willing to do so.  He’s supportive and I’m so proud of what he’s accomplished with his running.  I think he’s going to grow into a leadership role on the team, once they resume activities next season.

I spent some time practicing along with a drum track I found online.  I had been learning ‘Love Gun’ organically and Lisa said she would do a version of it with me to share, during the lockdown.  So I started playing with a disco vibe version, along with this funk drum track I stumbled on.  It was really fun to jam that way, with just a loop.  I felt kinda creative and free on the instrument, which is something I never really experience.  Thankful to have had that feeling and to see if I can create more of it.

3/30/20:  Today marks the start of week #3 @ home.  We’re all hanging in and doing our best to remain together.  Took a bit of a rainy walk with Lisa yesterday early in the day.  The rest of the afternoon was a wash out, so we were genuinely homebound.  I taught Bella how to play cribbage and dominoes over the weekend.  It was fun to have something to help pass the time and it gave us a chance to sit and connect together.  During cribbage, we had a couple drinks together, which was kinda fun and led to a few laughs.  I don’t want to become a parent who parties with their kid, but I think on occasion, it’s appropriate and ok.  I also got some time with my bass, which was nice.  I played through most of our set, even some of the older songs.  I also learned ‘Love Gun’ and am starting to work on some new songs.  Eventually, we will rehearse again and I want to have a bunch of new material, to take advantage of the extra time we have now.  Mostly, I’m grateful for having a solid week of eating and moving.  I started feeling an improvement and even made it through most of the weekend without overdoing it.  Aiming to keep that momentum going into the new week.

3/29/20:  Doing a good job lately of staying active.  Over the last few days, I’ve done some home workouts with Bella, stretched semi-regularly, taken a few walks, ran the cross country path with both kids and yesterday took my bike out.  I’m feeling a bit more energetic and fit than I was last week.

Also been doing a good job with preparing food at home and consuming less.  Staying away from the heavier snacks and eating more fruit and slightly smaller portions.

Trying to reach out to random people in my contact list to check in.  I enjoy taking a few minutes to see how folks are doing and hopefully it makes them feel some sense of connectedness.

Not as productive as I would have liked on the music front overall, but last night I picked up my bass and ran through the set at a good volume, which felt pretty good.  I’d like to get some focus to learn the remainder of the songs in our list so that by the time we rehearse again, we can have a solid list of new songs in place.

The quarantine has been emotional for probably everyone, me included.  Early on, it made me question some of my life decisions.  Shrinking 401k, job insecurity and societal panic will make that happen.  That said, I’ve manage to find lots of awesome in the downtime.  Whenever I talk with people I try and remind them of the perspective we are all getting from this experience.  Many walk around complaining about the mundane ways of ‘regular’ life, though most would like nothing more than to return to that relative sanctuary.  It’s a nice reminder about being grateful for what we have and not taking even small niceties for granted.

3/24/20:  Hiked at Massasoit with the family yesterday.  Been trying to ‘move’ some each day and also get fresh air.  Doing ok being homebound for the most part.  I think Bella is struggling more than she lets on, but not sure how to help her.  Grateful for the continued time together and for basic necessities like good food.

Lisa got laid off from Patriot this week.  Like lots of people, business are cutting their staff and laying them off so they can collect unemployment benefits.  I know she was hurt by it and she’s been working for Dave there close to 20 years.  I’m sure it was hard for him to reach that decision, but I’m hopeful it will lead to a positive outcome in time.  I’m thankful for the support he’s shown her over the years and I know they have a strong bond and friendship.  Grateful for my position at Hasbro and our financial position, as compared to many who aren’t so lucky.

3/23/20:  Just at the one week mark for the quarantine.  Over the weekend, I ventured out a couple times.  I took Bella to Assumption to bring all her stuff home.  The school decided to close for the remainder of the semester, so she will be finishing her freshman year at home.

I also went to Rick’s Music, to drop-off a chromebook for a kid in need of @ home lessons.

Overall, there seemed to be lots of folks out and about.  I’m kinda thinking that too many are not taking the situation to heart and sheltering at home, except for food/medicine type activity.  Many states have initiated a lockdown and I think that will eventually happen here.  I hope sooner than later.  Everything I read and surmise about the virus indicates the spread rate needs to be brought under 1:1 before it will subside meaningfully.  It’s a tough road for everyone, as we are not used to anything but instant and convenient everything.  I’m grateful everyone at home is still healthy and pray that the tide will stem soon enough, for things to settle down.  The economy is hit hard and that is going to cause ancillary effects, even beyond the health situation, for many.  The sooner we clamp down on behavior, the sooner we can get past this.  Sorta like the ‘half-measures’ referenced in Breaking Bad, though in a more positive context here 🙂

3/20/20:  Q turned 14 yesterday.  We made his favorite dinner, steak and mashed potatoes and Lisa made brownies for dessert.  We also played Monopoly during the afternoon, which he has been asking to do for a while.  It was nice to be together again and everyone is holding up pretty well, all things considered.  Grateful for a house full of food, healthy family and plenty of time together.

My mom came by yesterday to ask for help submitting an unemployment claim.  Her company is temporarily closed, like many, so they laid her off so she can collect.  I filled out the online app for her, which of course was terribly designed and unclear.  It was nice to help her with something that she cared about, even though it was simple for me to do so.

3/19/20:  Enjoyed another family day at home.  Took a walk with Lisa after lunch and the sun was strong and it felt warm.  We also ventured out to the grocery store for the first time.  The shelves are much more bare than usual and it was a good reminder about the abundance we have all gotten used to.  It wasn’t horrific by any means and I’m thankful we were able to stock up on healthy foods while we are hunkered down here for at least a few more weeks.

We also got a game called jackbox, which you install on a computer and everyone uses their phones as remote controllers.  It’s trivia, drawing and other family fun type games we can all play together.  Nobody really has an advantage and it’s a nice way to pass the time with a comfortable interface that makes it easy from any spot in the living room.  We all laughed and I was thankful to be together.

3/18/20:  Had another solid day of food consumption yesterday, despite being home bound.  I talked with Lisa about staying away from Target for a few weeks and she agreed it was probably for the best.  We also talked with the kids about staying put as much as possible and they understood the importance.  Grateful for such an awesome family and for this time together.  I know it’s gonna be a challenge and everyone, including me, wants a return to ‘normalcy’ asap.  That said, I’m thankful we are together and hope we look back on this someday as an experience that made us a better, closer family and society.

3/17/20:  Day 2 of the imposed ‘distancing’ scenario.  No office hours and today a ton of business are also closing.  I did T20 for the first time in years yesterday, in an effort to be productive.  I did terribly and it was hard not to beat myself up.  That said, I’m proud that I at least put the DVD on and tried it.  I also had a good day of eating, which is really where I need to improve most.  Grateful for everyone at home being healthy and for the extra time and bandwidth that has come my way, even if I’m being challenged to use it.

3/16/20:  Corona continues to be all consuming.  In addition to the sports leagues and most offices, they are limiting the opening of businesses officially.  All restaurants and bars are limited to take-out only for 3 weeks.  All the music venues, gyms and theaters have been shut down as well.  Mass and RI schools are out until April 6th at least.  We are all home for the foreseeable future.  I’m grateful everyone here is healthy and we have everything we need to ride out the quarantine for now.  I’m also thankful that most people seem to be in favor of prioritizing public health over commerce.

I’m setting a challenge for myself to use the new found time in my calendar to pay attention to health, creativity and Rawkstars.  I’m going to post pics in our Hasbro Team channel to have some accountability towards these items, over the next few weeks.

Yesterday, we had The Fam over for my mom and Q’s bdays.  It was the first time we saw Randy in a couple weeks and he seemed to be doing much better.  He lost a bunch of weight and was in good spirits.  I’m thankful he is doing well and taking the chance to reset on his weight.  I’m still struggling but was grateful to see the changes he has implemented in the last few weeks.

3/14/20:  Things are swirling everywhere regarding the Coronavirus.  All the sports leagues have shut down, something I never have seen.  Hasbro is sending us home for 2 weeks and all the schools, including Bella’s and Q’s are doing the same.  On one hand, it’s odd and even a bit scary to think about what is happening and the possible spread.  On the other, it’s kinda refreshing to see so many react in the betterment of public health instead of capitalism.  The stock market is in the tank and it’s incalculable how many businesses and families are losing tons of money.  Grateful everyone at home and everyone I know is healthy at the moment.

On Thursday, I also got my bonus for 2019 from Hasbro.  It was much better than last years and really came at a time when we needed it.  We were able to pay our credit card off and stash away enough money to have most of what we will owe come July, for Bella’s 3rd school payment.  I realize we are not rich, but are certainly in a much better financial position than most of the world.  Thankful.

3/12/20:  Spent some time yesterday formatting my saved list of ‘5150’ topics.  About a year ago, I had an idea that when I turned 50 I wanted to share a list of thoughts/observations/beliefs with Bella and Q.  I started collecting high level stuff I came across that I thought fit the bill.  My plan was that I would work on writing a few lines/paragraphs about each topic but until now, it was just a pile.  It’s still mostly a pile, but I did take an hour to format and groom it slightly.  I actually had over 100 items in the list, so my next task might be to group and pare down the list to the best 50.  Actually, I’ll probably do 51, so that I can be clever and use the Van Halen ‘5150’ album title for the post.  Small step, but a step.  Grateful for taking a step.

I also officially submitted a proposal and budget to MSO to extend the Rawkstars music programming by a full year.  I mentioned this concept below, and after a few days of working on it, I submitted my best bet.  Fingers crossed on this, it would be a huge step forward for RS and our program.  Thankful for the chance to take this path, even if it gets rejected, I’m learning about this process.

I also got an email back from Timber Hawkeye!  A week ago, I sent him a note through his newsletter.  He asks people if they would like to have him speak at their event/group and I put out there the idea of speaking at the prison.  I got a personal email from him saying he would do it, if we could arrange the schedule.  I noticed that he was visiting the area a few months ago, so I proposed we align it with that visit.  So incredibly excited, as he is one of my favorite thinkers and writers.  I’m going to follow up with MSO to see if we can pull it together.  Super thankful for the offer and prospect of connecting with him for this purpose!

3/11/20:  It’s been a productive week at work lately.  I don’t often talk about Hasbro here, but after transitioning to a new team last month, things have been more positive.  I like working and meeting with new people.  I’m learning a bit about a new space, called consumer insights.  I’m also training people on processes from the ground up, which is refreshing.  Grateful for a fresh perspective here, and my new boss (who has also been a friend) also feels nice.

3/10/20:  Took a run yesterday for the first time in a while.  It was really warm out and I was motivated, again, for the first time in a while.  Got home, changed and headed to the track at BP.  Ran only a mile, but it felt good to move my body and struggle a bit.  When I got back home, things changed.  I got really bad back pains and had trouble moving without pain.  I stretched and rolled and used the heating pad, none of which gave relief.  After a few hours of terrible discomfort, I took a bunch of advil and went to bed.  Surprisingly, laying down really helped.  I slept well and this morning felt a ton better.  I’m grateful to have gotten motivated yesterday and also grateful for my body’s ability to bounce back.  I’ve been in a rough spot with my weight and health the last several months and need to turn a corner.

I found out about my Hasbro bonus yesterday and was surprised with the amount.  It’s nearly back to what it was 2 years ago, before we crashed last year.  It’s a big deal to the family and will give some much needed traction towards paying some bills, and getting closer to the July payment for Bella’s school.  I really am thankful to have found this job 5+ years ago.  When I think back to where I was mentally at Digitas, it’s such an improvement.  Thankful for the reminder and for the financial help the bonus will bring.

Got some news from MSO yesterday about the phase 2 budget I proposed to continue the music program.  Initially, I had been told if I kept the cost under $10k, it would be approved without any RFP process, so I tweaked things to that level.  Crystal found out that it’s $10k within a calendar year, which means we have already exceeded that amount, considering phase #1.  She suggested I frame up a budget for a full 12-months, since I’ll have to go through the process anyways.  She also said she thought it would get approved in a few weeks.  I’m going to have to regroup a bit with the instructors and dates, but I think it’s an excellent development overall.  It will bring additional resources into Rawkstars and give us a much longer runway for planning and executing an awesome program.  There should be flexibility to add and modify things along the way and I’ll have some leeway to make changes that I’d like to implement.  Super grateful for the opportunity to undertake this process and see if we can make it happen.

3/9/20: HM rehearsal yesterday.  For the first time it was just ‘meh’.  We had some sound issues as Crissy and Chuck both have new instruments and configurations.  We tried out a couple new songs (Foolin and Wasted Years) and I think the Iron Maiden track is probably too frenetic to fit the acoustic approach, unless we really strip it back.  I hadn’t rehearsed very much in the last few weeks, so my fingers were also in rough shape.  Regardless, I love getting together with the guys and look forward to all our rehearsals greatly.  Equipment, song selection are all part of the process so I’m grateful we are going through these as they indicate growth for us as a band.

Someone scraped the side of my car yesterday while I was in Market Basket with Q.  I came out and saw the damage.  I’m thankful that I didn’t lose my cool and it didn’t phase me near as much as it probably would have a few years back.  I’m most certainly going to have overhead to get it sorted out and already filed an insurance claim.  That said, it’s a small bump and I’ll figure out a way to absorb the time and money that will be needed to get past it.

Went and saw a Journey cover band with Lisa on Saturday.  They were ok and we met up with some of her bandmates at the gig.  It was nice to get out for a bit and have fun, with music as the backdrop.  I’m forever grateful that my wife is equally in love with music as I am.  It’s something we can always share and enjoy together, no matter what.

3/7/20:  Bella came back last night for spring break.  We took the kids out to Boneyard for wings.  It became a bit of a mess, after Q got angry with me and became belligerent.  When we are all together there is a tendency to get snippy, mostly in good nature, but it went a bit too far.  I wound up getting annoyed and told him so.  I typically don’t get flustered and say things like that but for whatever reason, I escalated with him.  He was quiet the rest of the dinner and again when we got home and all watched ‘Riverdale’.  He was clearly angry and spent the next hour in his room, in bed.  Bella tried to coax him out a few times, and finally went to his room, which he had locked.  She came back out very upset and told me to go talk with him.  I did that, but still was fairly annoyed about the whole thing.  We talked/argued for a while and eventually we hugged and I hope he felt better.  He basically told me I regularly ignore him and don’t answer when he asks things.  It hurt.  He eventually came back out of the room and seemed better.  We hung together for a while before I went off to bed around midnight.  I’m grateful to have such caring kids.  Bella was clearly upset about her brother and helped things along towards resolution.  Hearing what Q said made me feel pretty bad, but I’m glad we were able to talk it out and be open with each other.

I had lunch with Chris Weekly down in Plymouth.  He’s a good friend and I always enjoy connecting with him, even though it’s infrequent.  We talked about family, RS, work, health, music, etc.  I’m grateful that Chris and I crossed paths at Upromise.  He’s super smart and caring and genuine.  I’m happy we got to have lunch and reconnect after not seeing each other for over a year.

3/6/20:  Dave Purdy came by last night.  He offered to assist me with some tech issues w/r/t my new website.  He’s always been such a great guy and super willing to lend a hand, no matter what the task.  Couldn’t have asked for better neighbors when we moved to the house and he and his family are all amazing people.  Truly grateful for his friendship and for so many people in my life willing to lend a hand.

3/5/20:  Yesterday was my mom’s bday.  I talked with her via text in the morning to wish her a good day.  We aren’t super close on a regular basis but I’m thankful for all she’s brought to my life.  Growing up, I was definitely a tough kid to manage but she stayed with me through lots of crap that some wouldn’t have.  I wish we communicated and connected better but I’m grateful that her health is solid and that we have grown closer together as we’ve gotten older.

3/3/20:  Went to see Kingfish jam at a small club in Providence last night.  Went with Kevin, who I haven’t seen in a while.  Had an awesome time connecting.  We went to East End first for a couple of drinks and then to the gig.  Kingfish was incredible.  He is a ‘blues’ guitarist, but very rock oriented.  He plays with a super strong energy and his licks are very heavy.  His tone was more subdued and ‘small’ but the fury and combinations reminded me of Gary Moore, no small compliment.  Grateful for awesome live music in my life and long-time brothers like Kev to share it with.

I also had a meeting yesterday at PACT with Crystal and the Special Sheriff.  They approved our second round of music programming!!  I am putting in some small changes to the budget, but it seems we will be cleared to begin round #2 in the next couple weeks.  We are going to add some new layers to the program, the most exciting of which is an open mic feature.  I want to bring outside musicians and business folks to the unit to share music with the guys, but equally as importantly, their stories.  I’m hopeful this will result in a very personal, intimate, safe time for them to connect and learn from successful people they can respect.  Jonas gave me some leads on local hip hop folks, as I want it to be geared towards a culture and music that they can see themselves in.  Beyond thankful for my relationship with everyone at PACT and for the chance to make a small impact on some deserving folks who wouldn’t otherwise have one.

3/1/20:  Attended Victor’s funeral services yesterday.  While it was an awful reason to see everyone, it’s always a great experience to connect with so much of the family.  I spent time talking with Rob, Imran, Kevin Bento and lots of other folks I don’t see often.  So very thankful to be part of such a great family unit.

Got an email from PACT about a follow up meeting on Monday with the Special Sheriff to approve our proposal for phase #2.  I’ll be heading in tomorrow afternoon to try and make that a reality.  Fingers crossed and feeling optimistic about another 4 months worth of music programming for the guys and Rawkstars.

Shot out a few FB posts over the last few days after months of inactivity.  I’m trying to gear up for the Rawkstars campaign over the next few months to attempt to convert 300 subscribers.  I basically just asked people to ‘like’ our new business page and I updated some of the photos on my personal page.  I want to make a clearer separation between my own profile and the RS activity.  At some point, I’d like to see if I can get a social media intern to help.  Grateful to have had such a great response to the posts.  Nearly 450 people have liked the RS business page and I teased some of the forthcoming RS posts.  It’s going to be a lot of work trying to get the subscriber base up to the level we are aiming for, but it’s nice to have a kickstart already and be moving towards the goal, however deliberately.

2/28/20:  After pushing out the new Rawkstars site a few days ago, I ‘soft-launched’ the Fan Club campaign with the list of 30 pledgers from the Iron Maiden giveaway last year.  I dropped an email to that list and so far have 10 members signed up.  Long way to go to 300 but it feels really good to put it out there in the world, after such a long journey.  I think it’s going to help me put the OMG debacle in the rear-view mirror as well, for which I am most grateful.

Had an office visit from my friend Jim Peluso yesterday.  He’s one of the folks at Hasbro I like and respect most.  He told me that he was inspired by the prison project so much that he is considering a teaching assignment at a RI facility.  I showed him a raw piece of footage Jonas sent me from the graduation.

I also had a brief, email conversation with Crystal about next steps at PACT.  I asked her if we could keep the formal agreement between me, and MSO.  I felt a bit odd about the conversation but want to keep the long-term plans for RS in mind.  I think this is another area where the OMG debacle is influencing my thinking.  That said, I felt good about our conversation and I’m hopeful to have a meeting with the Special Sheriff next week to formalize phase #2.

2/26/20:  Our cousin Victor passed away yesterday.  It was quite unexpected and Lisa didn’t really have any details yet.  It was quite unexpected and he was only 52/53.  He graduated with Randy.  Sounds like he had a heart attack.  I know he was a big guy and probably didn’t take great care of himself, but dying that young is a tragedy by any measure.  Victor was a bit of an awkward guy but had a big heart and loved his family.  When we were kids, he was a character.  He drove around town in a tiny Fiero.  He was in good shape and worked as a male dancer.  He rolled with an interesting crowd!  As we got older, his love for the family shone through.  He came by our place one time and got into a deep conversation with Quincy about Star Wars.  They both disliked episode 8 and he connected with Q on that subject.  He also brought me a collection of Kiss action figures to donate to Rawkstars.  It was kinda odd but sweet nonetheless.  Another thing I remember is his love of cigars.  He shared one with me many years ago at a party.  From then on, he always came armed with a bag of them and made a point to give me one.  I didn’t really have the heart to tell him I didn’t care much for smoking them anymore, but it was another sweet gesture on his part.  I’m guessing we’ll be attending some services in the next few days with the family.  I’m sure it’s rough on his mom and all his brothers and sisters.  They are a strong family and very close.  I’m grateful to have known Victor and for the perspective his death has given me today.

2/25/20:  Yesterday was the PACT showcase.  Wow.  It was a truly magical event and I couldn’t have wished for anything better.  We had a dress rehearsal on Sunday and it helped immensely.  The guys got their butterflies out and we had a chance to setup the equipment and walk through our planned itinerary.  Lisa came with me and we arrived pretty early, as I usually do for things like this.  Everyone was in a great mood and I could feel the energy when we entered the unit.  All the guys were smiling and loose.  When we got downstairs, I put the PA and equipment in place and got everything up and running.  There was a buzz of activity from Maureen and John, as well as Meredith and the PACT staff of course.  Lots of people poked their heads in to see what we were up to and the guys got a chance to rehearse a couple of the songs.

At around 12:30 all the guests started filing in and we had a room of about 75 people.  I got a chance to finally meet the Sheriff and he had a commanding energy, that I hadn’t quite expected.  He kicked off the ceremonies with some words.  He mentioned some of the points I had planned to make, but it was quite powerful.  He was a polished speaker and a tough act to follow.  He said some very kind words and I was humbled.  He introduced me, and though I had to reshuffle what I had been planning, it went off more than fine.  I focused on the guys and how amazing they had been.  The transformation I had seen in them and their commitment to the program.  I kept the comments brief and we got started with the music.

The songs were performed even better than they had been at the rehearsal.  I could really tell how much the guys practiced and got themselves mentally ready.  It was impressive.  I had the sound under control and I was happy with the mix.  I made a mental note about the fact that I had been humping band gear and mixing for as long as I could remember and was still doing it, even at my own event at 49 🙂 – I’m actually glad to identify as the sound guy, even though it adds to my plate in scenarios like this.  The whole thing was kind of a mix of all my life personas at once.  Sound guy, entrepreneur, connector of people, organizer, musician.

The music was kick-ass.  Each of the musicians brought tons of energy and passion to the performances.  The songs were moving as hell and by any standard, well put together.  John and Maureen deserve so much credit for making a difference in the lives of those guys.

By any measure, I’ve been beyond fortunate in the number of musical experiences I’ve had that were profound.  I’ve gigged all over the world, at venues big and small, with amazing acts and people.  Through Rawkstars, I’ve also gotten to experience families and kids and lifelong friends, coming together through music to put so much love into the world.  Yesterday was another on a long list of incredible experiences of humanity, music and positive energy.  I couldn’t be more grateful and humbled to be part of all of it.

2/23/20:  Went with Quincy to see Ice Cube, down at Mohegan Sun.  I bought the tickets spontaneously.  I’ve had a rough emotional state recently with the issues with OMG and spending a night hanging with Q felt like an awesome thing to show me how great lie is.  The show was fun and we had a good time together.  I booked us a room nearby which also turned out well.  Instead of focusing on saving money and driving straight home so late, we (I!) was able to really relax and be present.  Grateful.

2/21/20:  Yesterday, I got a couple emails that hit me hard, not in good ways.  First, I got a response from Jamie at OMG, regarding the months long billing disputes.  Her response was extremely adversarial and my hopes of coming to a calm resolution for RS feel dashed.  I had a hard night as a result and didn’t sleep well.  I’ve been living with such a sense of shame.  I feel like I let myself down, as well as did a terrible job as caretaker of the RS money.  I didn’t manage the project well nor my timeliness in dealing with this sooner and more clearly.  I’m most likely going to have to resort to a lawsuit, which makes my stomach churn.  On a positive note, Lisa and my boss Aaron both lent me personal comfort, in the form of their words.  I know everything they said is right, but it’s difficult living with the burden of failure I am feeling.  It’s given me perspective on how others express shame, over sexual assault, financial issues or other events that don’t seem to be their fault to outsiders.  I will use this lesson to have more empathy going forward.  I also came to the realization today that I will use my own money to cover the losses RS has seen from this ordeal.  At least that is a step I can take to remove some of the weight from my shoulders.

Secondly, I got a note from Bob, saying that he still hasn’t found a new place to live, despite giving him an extension to vacate.  He was gracious in his words and offered to pay an extra $200 per month until they leave.  I don’t have a lot of options here and am going to have to allow him to stay, and cross my fingers he finds something in the next month or two.  I’m grateful he is continuing to pay and take care of the property.  The main issue is that we had hoped to get the PV property on the market come spring, in an effort to have enough money to pay for Bella’s second year at Assumption.  That is in jeopardy now and wholly out of my hands, in terms of the timing.  We may have to look at other options in terms of loans to buy more time.  I know it’s not the end of the world, but the ongoing wait and uncertainty has taken a toll on me emotionally and kept me unable to feel any momentum.

Yesterday, along with Sterling, we finally got the new Rawkstars website published.  It’s been another burden I’ve been carrying and although I wasn’t able to feel much relief, due to the OMG issue above, it’s a big step nonetheless.  My hope is that over the next several weeks, I can start to onboard some folks into our “founding member campaign”.  It will get some money flowing into RS after a year+ of no fundraising to speak of.  I’m hoping it helps me move beyond the awful experience as well and begin to take joy in collecting and sharing stories of the awesome families and kids we are lucky to be connected with.  Sterling has been great to partner with along the way and I’m super thankful for his help and personally for his friendship.

2/15/20:  Took Lisa to see The Linda Ronstadt Experience last night.  It coincided with VDay, so it worked out nicely.  Band was pretty good.  They played at The Met, which is a venue we both really like.  We grabbed cheap falafel sandwiches before and it was nice to get out of the house and see some music and connect.  VDay isn’t usually a big deal in our house but I wanted Lisa to know I was thinking of her.  Grateful to still be in love after 30+ years of being connected.

Talked a bit with Randy yesterday.  He’s doing a bit better and his spirits seemed ok.  I hope he’ll have some motivation to make changes once he is released, which I assume will be this week sometime.

I got the Phase 2 proposal formatted and sent over to PACT yesterday.  It’s a lot of work coordinating with all the separate groups of people, but I feel good about what we are asking for.  Everyone seems interested in continuing to work together and I’m hopeful we can get approval for the changes we want to make along with the financing to make it happen.  I couldn’t be more grateful for the last couple months working with all these folks.  They have made a huge impact on me and I’m very lucky to have been given the opportunity to work on this project, with all involved.

2/14/20:  Yesterday was humbling.  We visited PACT for a slate of interviews with the staff.  We got to interview Crystal and Julie together.  Then we got some footage of another CO on the unit that I hadn’t met before.  Finally, we wrapped with Officer Snow and Josh Bowbridge, both of whom were fabulous.  I didn’t do much but basically sat and listened to Jonas’ questions and helping setup slightly.  Listening to the answers everyone gave was an absolute honor.  Their words about the program, music and the guys in general were so fucking powerful.  Jonas and Doga also got some really high impact footage of the unit and lots of activity.  We are 10 days away from the graduation and things seem to be headed in a super positive direction on all fronts.  I had a lot of 1:1 time with Josh to talk about next steps and my hope is to get approval for phase 2 of the program in the coming week or two.  This has easily been one of the most rewarding projects I’ve ever contributed to and the creative energy from the film portion has only begun to take shape.  I wish I could spend all my time on this effort and with partners like these.  Grateful.

On another note, Lisa, Q and I visited Randy in the hospital.  He was in a lot of pain and his legs looked awful.  I was caught in an awkward spot of not knowing how to talk with him, which is basically all of our interactions.  I didn’t want to bitch at him about his situation as I know that won’t move the needle or make him feel any better.  He’s got to be embarrassed along with a host of other negative emotions.  I tried to talk with him about the connection of his emotional state to eating and also the other areas of his life that effect his health, besides just food.  I’m certainly no expert in solutioning, as I struggle on a daily basis to control and live with many of these same emotions.  That said, I think I’m well versed in at least understanding and communicating about them.  I left feeling pretty deflated as it’s hard to be reminded about failed relationships, especially with ones close family members.  He did send me a nice text at the end of the night, which made me feel like maybe we connected a bit.  For that I am thankful and hope for better days ahead with regards to Randy.  He deserves to experience some happiness in his life and I hope he can find that.

Got the very first subscription transaction flowing through the new Rawkstars website.  Sterling has helped tremendously and is a stark contrast to the working relationship I’ve had with OMG.  It’s a great lesson for me and I am thankful for his help at every turn.  Planning to push the site to production in the next few days, certainly by next week.  Then begin the process of signing up 300 members and getting back to promoting the work of Rawkstars to previous levels.

2/13/20:  Randy got sent to the hospital yesterday.  He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart disease.  He’s not been in the best of health these last several years.  I know he lives with a lot of depression, anxiety, and stress.  He also hasn’t taken care of himself physically and is quite overweight.  It’s not a great combo and I’m sad to see him struggling.  I talked with my mom and could tell she was super upset.  I’ve always had a tough relationship with basically everyone in my family and Randy is no different.  I love him dearly and am thankful for the times we had as young kids, when it wasn’t as hard.

2/12/20:  Had an exam with the doctor last night.  I’ve had this growing patch of red/dry skin on my left eyelid.  It started small but has persisted and grown for a couple months now.  I started actually getting a smaller one over my right eye, which began me worrying.  I finally took the time to contact the doctor and a cancellation got me an appointment same day.  Visited and after a brief exam, he told me it was similar to eczema, and probably would clear up with a bit of hydrocortisone creme.  I actually bought some on the way home and after 2 applications, it already looks better.  Super grateful that it was no big deal and thankful overall for decent health.  I get caught up in my weight and looks a lot, but am fortunate to not have any major medical conditions.  I am not on any meds and don’t even get sick very often.  Was a good reminder about the state of my health.

2/11/20:  Spent Sunday afternoon with Bella.  Been missing her and took a drive up to Worcester.  We went to the art museum for an hour, which was pretty cool.  Then we grabbed lunch at this great burger place.  We talked a lot and she was pretty open.  I asked her about partying a bit, and it was a funny exchange to hear her talk about what she likes to drink.  I’m glad she’s having fun at school and I’m certain she is doing so responsibly.  It’s a good lesson for her to learn to be mature about drinking and things like that.  She’s in a really safe environment and seems to have surrounded herself with great friends, as she has her whole life.  Thankful she is close by and still likes spending time with her dad.

Played at Lisa’s gig on Saturday and had a fun time.  Song went well.  Imperfect for sure, but still awesome.  They had a great turnout and I saw tons of cool people.  After the gig we actually did a late night breakfast run with Louie, Virgil and Paul Galvin.  It happened spontaneously but was really great.  Lots of laughs and it was great to catch up with those guys, in that environment.

Work has been productive since my shift over to NPA.  I’m enjoying the new space and meeting the new team members.  Feeling more positive about work, at least for now, and will embrace it while it lasts.  Dropped off taxes this week and approaching bonus season here at Hasbro in a few weeks.  Feeling semi-positive about the trajectory and grateful for the state of my finances, even when I complain about them.

2/8/20:  Had some plumbing fixed down at the Providence condo yesterday.  Been on a nice streak of crossing tasks off my list since the new year.  Grateful that we’ve had so little issues with the place down there and have such an amazing tenant in Evelyn.  My friend Sterling also made great progress on the Rawkstars website and I’m hopeful we are nearing the finish line with the launch.  It’s been too long since I’ve stoked the RS fires with our donors and I’m eager to see if we can make this Fan Club approach work, and see if we can make it to 20 years.

Jammed with Moonstruck to get ready for the UFO song.  It was really fun.  They are such a good band, it felt nice to unleash a bit.  Took me one pass to get comfortable, since I haven’t played a real electric bass, loud or even standing up in about a year.  Though to throw all that together in one pass but thankful I am able to push myself into something like that and do ok.

2/7/20:  Met with Ed yesterday to drop off the taxes.  Always a good conversation when we connect.  I left with some good perspective and it felt unburdening to fill him in on all the projects and events that have been going on.  I realized that we’ve known each other for 33 years.  Funny, that I generally think of Ed as a more distant friend, but reflecting back, he actually knows me pretty well.  We worked together at Good Vibes for crying out loud, so he knew me when I was still a wild teen.  We stayed connected through my 20s and he was there at the outset of Rawkstars.  He’s also been intimate with my financials for my entire adult life and I’ve had many conversations with him about investing, money, etc.  I’m grateful for our friendship and happy for him that his life trajectory has changed for the better in recent years.

My friend Sterling has also been doing a ton of work on my new website, which is ever so close to being usable.  It’s taken us a while but I’m super thankful to have someone I trust and truly like as a person involved with the project, especially given the situation I’m having with Jamie and OMG.  It’s a lesson learned for me going forward.

Great conference call with Jonas and Brendan at PACT yesterday.  Looks like we are going to be allowed to film some inmate interviews, with these 3 guys who have been working on an original song.  It’s was super powerful to hear them play when we last visited and if we can include them in the doc it’s really going to be amazing.  I literally almost broke out into tears while I was driving yesterday during the call, hearing that news.  This project has taken hold of me.

2/4/20:  Had a bit of a fight with Lisa last night.  I was telling her a bit about meeting with Rick regarding the store and didn’t get too far.  When she asked me if I was seriously considering it (which I could tell she was hopeful was not the case) I told her that sometimes I feel stuck, because the entire family relies so heavily on any decision I might make to change.  She took that to mean I was unhappy and it basically went downhill from there.  Hard to find gratitude in the exchange but I’m thinking the part I’m thankful for is a reminder of the life I have.  Of course there are things that aren’t perfect and I do struggle some days/weeks with how I am spending so many of my days.  That said, those choices have been my own and resulted in lots of positives for lots of people.

Started moving my desk yesterday, down to NPA, in anticipation of starting with my new team.  I found a space to squat that I kinda like and brought some of my things over.  I enjoy the fresh view of having a new physical spot and surroundings.  Hoping it gives me a bit of a push here at the office and some energy to bring to my job.

Also got back to the gym after a rough Superbowl weekend of eating.  Every time I make the choice to exercise, it’s always a good one.

2/3/20:  Low key weekend for the most part.  On Sunday, I woke up to a cold house.  The furnace had shut down and the inside temperature was down to about 60.  Luckily, I was able to get Dan, my HVAC friend that I met through Larry.  He couldn’t make it down for a few hours, but being Sunday, I wasn’t complaining.  Took Lisa and Q out to breakfast to escape the cold and kill some time.  After a couple hours, he showed up and had it running within 10 minutes.  It was a good opportunity to gain perspective about the fact that we enjoy heat.  Not too long ago, it would have been considered a luxury to push a button and control the inside temp.  I’m thankful we live in a time when personal comforts are aplenty.

I got a bit of time to work on some new songs.  I learned Midnight Rider by the Allmans, which HM is going to tackle.  It’ll be a great track for two guitar shredding.  It also is a two voice harmony throughout the entirety of the song.  Bass is just laying a simple groove and I’m looking forward to closing my eyes and hearing the band thoroughly.  I also worked on the UFO song I’m going to play with Moonstruck.  I have it down pretty well and look forward to playing with such a great band.

Lastly, I spent a few hours documenting and putting together my rebuttal for the credit card fiasco I have ongoing with OMG.  It’s been an emotionally draining exercise for me.  I’m thankful that I got a package of info together I feel good about and got it mailed out in time.  Not looking forward to whatever the next steps are but grateful for now that I met my obligation and can wait to see their response now.

1/30/20:  Had a nice run on the treadmill yesterday.  Did 2.1 miles at a solid 12 minute clip.  More importantly, I pushed myself to get to the gym and felt great afterward.  Grateful for the mindful ability to make health focused decisions recently.

I got together with Mike last night to work on a song.  He asked me to play a UFO song with Moonstruck at their upcoming gig.  I’m honored to play with them of course and have been learning that song on the side.  We basically just jammed through it a couple times and he pointed out some of the nuances I was missing in the solo section.  Thankful for the chance to play with such an awesome band and to spend a bit of time with a friend playing and catching up.

Had lunch with John B about the PACT pilot.  We haven’t had much time together since the project got underway and it was great to get his direct feedback.  I am excited that he wants to continue working together on phase 2 as he brings such a great energy and expertise to the day to day process.  There are some good ideas circulating about tweaks we want to make and the end of pilot graduation is starting to also take shape.  I have a feeling that is going to be an exceptionally rewarding activity and I’m cautiously excited about the potential impact it will have on the administrative folks at the prison.

1/28/20:  Big re-org / layoffs yesterday at Hasbro.  I survived and it seems as if I will have a modified role.  I’m going to be reporting to a new manager, my 4th in 5 years.  I’ll be reporting to Aaron Katz, who I’ve been friends with for a few years.  I was grateful to not get cut, but also that he arranged to bring me over to the new team he is spinning up.  Still far too early, but envisioning the opportunity to work with some new folks and learn about new aspects of the business.  It’s another reset for me here, but I’m looking ahead positively.

After getting home, I hit the gym and worked out some stress on the elliptical.  Thankful that I had the mindfulness to remain on point, when I could easily have mailed it in.

1/27/20:  Jam #2 with Heavy Mellow last night.  Went great!  We started 2 new songs, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and Perfect Strangers.  I had been practicing both on my own for weeks.  Everyone did their homework and both sounded awesome, almost on the first pass.  It’s really the way rehearsal should go.  Everyone has some alone time to learn the arrangements, then the jam is spent playing together and getting the details nailed down.  Crissy was once again smooth and fit right in.  Her playing is much more distinct and gives the band a new layer.  Really psyched that transition seems to be coming together.  Grateful.

Went out Saturday with Lisa to a 40th bday for one of her gym friends.  I enjoyed going out and hanging with everyone, but lost control on the drinking side.  I had one too many tequila’s and wound up getting too buzzed.  I overate, drove when I probably shouldn’t have and felt awful when I got back home and the next morning.  I’m hoping I move on from the experience and let it sit with me for next time.  Don’t want to beat myself up, and yesterday was a fair rebound day.  Back on the ‘one day at a time’ wagon starting this morning.

1/25/20:  Yesterday was the second consecutive day that I spent time talking deeply with an old friend. I had coffee with Bob Mayo, after a couple texts the prior day.  As mentioned below, I’ve been making a point to connect with people more this year and putting myself out there to make it happen.  We met for coffee and just talked for a couple hours.  It was nice.  We of course discussed our kids and work but also music and upbringing, which was cool.  It’s a nice feeling to listen and be attentive to others and something I’m consciously trying to get better at.  I’ve always been a skilled talker, but not always good at really listening.  I also got on the treadmill for a run during the afternoon.  Grateful for that will to make that happen instead of just sinking in to the couch with some food.  I wasn’t able to run as long/far as I had planned.  I was aiming to possibly get 3 miles, but stopped at 1.75.  On one hand I was disappointed but reminded myself that at one point a few years ago, running 1.75 miles would have been a huge accomplishment.  I had a good sweat, my heart was really pumping and I felt good about having run.  Not beating myself up for the distance or time.  Thankful.

1/24/20:  Visited PACT again yesterday and brought Joe Merrick.  It was an inspirational visit, as it almost always is.  Driving up with Joe was awesome and we really connected over many things.  He told me some very personal things and we had a very human connection going as I also opened up to him, in an effort to share.  Jonas met us and as usual, he provided such great creative thought and positivity.  We met with Julie and Kerryn and also sat with a couple of the inmates, James and Roose, to get their direct feedback on the programming.  We formulated some pretty exciting ideas to help shape round #2 and I was grateful for the time with the guys and their openness.  Before we left, we were treated to a live performance by James and a singer named Keith.  John B. accompanied on guitar, but the inmates played such a heartfelt piece of music it left all of us raw.  Jonas was especially moved and immediately had some ideas about how to capture this for the documentary.  We’re putting those plans into action and I’m hopeful they will result in an amazing piece of work.  Super thankful to have this project up and running.  It’s far from perfect but has brought me such positive energy and introduced me to some truly amazing folks, both at the prison and in the prison.  It’s also deepened my relationship with everyone that I’ve introduced to it.  Just awesome.

1/23/20:  Had a nice hallway conversation with my friend Rich yesterday at work.  Our other colleague, William, seemed unusually disconnected.  I tried to give him some comforting words about things being ok, but he wound up leaving our conversation abruptly.  I enjoy connecting with others at work, sometimes especially those I don’t know so well.  The simple act of talking with someone can be so rewarding and fulfilling.

I’ve been making a point to increase the personal connections in my day and I also took Jason J. out to lunch.  He’s a good guy and we have similar thoughts and goals at the office.  I think we can work together on some things to improve the course for both of us and the company.  We ate at Pantry and I am always thankful for the high quality food they serve there and for my ability to afford simple pleasures.

1/22/20:  2020 continues to be a positive one with regards to my heath and fitness.  I’ve been logging my workouts, weighing in each Friday and eating mindfully most days.  I’m down about 8lbs. and feeling/looking better than I have in a while.  Grateful to have the tools to swing the momentum back towards balance after being off kilter for several weeks.

I’ve also been using the new Sam Harris meditation app, Waking Up.  Sam has always been someone I’ve enjoyed listening to.  I don’t agree with all his thoughts, but enjoy his ability to present and think so clearly.  The app is really well comprised and he is excellent at guided meditations.  I had gotten away from using guided tools for a while, but it’s helping me reset on my practice and I’m enjoying the process.

Weather has been brutally cold lately and I’m reminded of my good fortune to be living in a time when simple luxuries like heat are readily available.  It’s not lost on me how fortunate I am to live in modern times and to be afforded such amenities.

1/17/20:  Had lunch yesterday with Kevin Shea at Hasbro.  He works as a producer in Cakemix and used to work at NESN, where we knew some of the same people.  We ran into each other at the anniversary dinner before the holidays and I introduced myself.  He expressed an interest in philanthropy and told me he had heard about Rawkstars from other co-workers.  We talked a lot and have a ton in common.  He started a really cool business for his autistic son, and I was so excited hearing his story.  He gave me some good recommendations and I left our lunch with really positive energy.  Thankful for the human connection and for my effort lately in making some.

Dropped another 2lbs today on the scale.  That’s 3 weigh-ins with a minus.  I feel good and building some awesome momentum.  I was pretty far off the path and gained quite a bit in the second half of 2019, that will take me some time to recover from.  That said, I’m taking it one day at a time and using that as a compass to get where I want to go.  Aiming to lose 1lb. a week as regularly as possible.  Got myself to the gym yesterday once again to ride the elliptical.  I’ve been enjoying that process and grateful for every day when I can be mindful about my choices and prioritize my well being.

1/16/20:  Had another nice gym session with Jerry.  Visited his space over at Planet Fitness.  Good to have a fresh perspective on exercising and I’m grateful to have another day under my belt.

Been making it a focus to connect with new folks at work lately and yesterday I went to lunch with Kathy Bartos.  It was nice to get to know her a bit, after being on the same team for about a year.  She had some good ideas about potentially working together that might take me in a new direction.  I’m thankful for the human connection mostly and always enjoy eating with others and catching up.

1/15/20:  Got an email from someone I barely know yesterday telling me she missed my blog posts.  It’s a woman named Jana, who I met in Germany on tour with Fates Warning years ago. One of the underrated aspects of gigging all over the world is meeting random people at the shows.  In this modern day, many of them become online ‘friends’ and you’re able to connect, sometimes in person when revisiting a certain town or venue.  I can’t express enough how grateful I am for having this life experience and equally for the note Jana sent me.  Knowing that someone I randomly interacted with through music actually misses my writing is incredible.  Perhaps it will motivate me to share again in this medium?

1/14/20:  Got to Yoga again at the temple last night with Jerry.  Also did cardio at the work gym during lunch.  Still feel like I’m trying to rebound from Saturday night, but thankful to have strung together some good meals and a few rounds of movement.

1/13/20:  Really fun weekend.  Friday I got to see Quincy run his 3rd mile.  He ran a great race and finished ahead of the time he was trying to beat!  6:06.  He was really pumped and it was nice to see him so proud of the accomplishment.  Bella got someone to cover a few hours of her shift at Subway and came to watch also.  Very sweet of her and I know it meant a ton to Quincy to have her make the effort.

Saturday, Chuck and I jammed with Crissy.  It was incredible!  They are so good together and it was so cool just to watch them play.  I think it’s going to take the band to new places and I can hardly wait to rehearse this coming weekend.

In the evening we went to celebrate Lemmy’s 50th bday at the brewery in Easton.  Some of the cousins were there though it was pretty low key for a family party.  Those guys are so awesome to spend time with and I couldn’t be more grateful to be part of this family.  It’s been a while since I spent time with Lemmy and it was very nice to connect with him.  I had a couple beers and didn’t do a good job of eating mindfully.  My schedule was abnormal, and after a few drinks I was super hungry.  When we got home, I gorged myself in a drunk kinda way.  That said, I tried not to beat myself up too much the next morning.  I managed to get through yesterday with a solid day and put it in the rear-view mirror.

Yesterday, I drove Bella back to Assumption.  It’s been amazing to have her at home for a month+.  She was ready to go back and was productive at home.  She worked and now has some money to hold her over for a bit.  She spent time with her local friends and also made time for the family.  She is getting a new roommate and I’m sure she will adjust well, even if it doesn’t become as solid of a friendship as she developed with Zoemi.

Lastly, over the course of the weekend, I managed to put some time into responding to a credit dispute with Capital One and OMG.  That has been hanging over me for weeks and is a source of terrible stress.  I don’t know how it will resolve but I was thankful to at least get some time to work on it and stop avoiding the process.  Interestingly enough, it’s given me some insight and empathy for folks that struggle with money and debt.  I can see how the shame and anxiety that comes from this type of issue can really derail someone without the tools and ability to deal with it.  I’m hopeful we will come to proper resolution in the coming days.

1/10/20:  Had a productive afternoon at work for the first time in a while.  I’ve been doing better at being motivated and making progress on things in my control.  Had a call with Jonas and have some cool plans for the documentary project that will come to fruition in the next few weeks.  He has a great energy and I always leave our conversations feeling good.  Grateful to have crossed paths with him and consider him a friend.

Took the family to Flatbreads Pizza last night.  We had a gift card from Xmas and it’s probably our last chance to have dinner as a family before Bella heads back to school.  Even though I’ve been trying to steer clear of pizza/bread/etc., I didn’t stress about it or push back on the idea.  I realize that I need to be able to navigate these scenarios without getting derailed.  My fitness journey is a lifelong one, and I’m glad for the fact that I love pizza.  I ate pretty mindfully and didn’t gorge.  Even left a few slices at the end and ate the middle slices which had less crust.  I was satisfied by the food and didn’t beat myself up.  Today I will get some exercise in and return to my pattern of having one good day at a time.  I’m down at the last two weigh-ins and feeling better emotionally.  Grateful.

1/9/20:  Got to the gym again yesterday with Jerry.  Also got outside during lunch for a brisk walk.  The fresh air is something that I occasionally forget has such a positive impact.  Gym was great and I reintroduced myself to the elliptical machine.  I had done workouts on that when I first began my fitness journey, but haven’t used it in years.  It’s really effective at getting your heart rate going rapidly, but also doesn’t impact my joints, like running.

I also had some afternoon time and connected with Ecem over coffee at NPA.  We talked about the winter malaise and such and it felt good to hear from someone else who has been experiencing similar doldrums.  In fact, I also spoke with Nirav the day prior and had a very similar conversation.  Sometimes when you are feeling negative emotions it can be easy to think you’re the only one feeling them.  It’s never the case and something about connecting with others and being open about it helps.  My mindfulness practice continues to be helpful to notice the emotions and realize what they are.  I’m grateful that I have others in my life who care about me and that I’m able to express myself with them on a personal level.

1/8/20:  Q had his second winter track meet last night.  He shaved 20+ seconds off his mile time and finished at 6:23.  So very proud of him for all he is accomplishing.  I know I’ve mentioned it here before but his physical, mental and emotional maturity has accelerated as a result of his participation in track.  Super grateful.

I had an emotionally rough patch during the day, as has been happening recently.  I was able to get passed it by embracing my mindfulness training.  I understand that thoughts are ever-changing and the nature of them within consciousness is random, at best.  They can be triggered by causes and conditions of course, but they remain simply thoughts.  They pass, especially if you acknowledge and notice their temporary, random nature without judgement.  I’ve been prone to periods of this kind of thinking over the years and am thankful I have improved my own capacity to deal with them, intelligently and without medications.  I’m also grateful for my wife Lisa, as she is a very grounding person and without even realizing it, gets me through these episodes.

1/7/20:  Went to Yoga last night with Jerry Bates.  Last week I was thinking about looking for a gym partner to increase my accountability and I reached out to him.  He was into the idea and asked me about yoga, which we had talked about in the past.  I told him about the Monday class and we went together.  It was good to help get me to the temple and also to share the experience with someone.  I also managed to get myself to the Hasbro gym during lunch to start my second week.  Grateful for the momentum I’ve built recently and for the friendship and support of others, like Jerry.

1/6/20:  Over the weekend, I received the $15k grant from GBKF for Rawkstars.  I’d been waiting for it for a few months and depositing it in the bank felt awesome.  Over the last several months our account has dwindled greatly due to project work and lack of fundraising.  It feels good to know we are solvent for a while longer and I have some room to get together on our 2020 Fan Club project to see if we can make that work.  Super grateful for their support and for my old friend Dave Yuknat recommending us for the grant.

We attended Quincy’s first official winter track meet on Friday night.  It was awesome to see him run again, at a competition.  He had a really high bar set for himself to achieve a 6:11 mile, to get himself into the THS record book.  While he didn’t get that time, he finished at 6:44, which was pretty amazing considering how short of a time he’s been running actively.  I tried to talk with him after about giving himself credit and not being so hard on himself.  Not sure how much that stuck, but I told him how proud I was of him and hope he got that message loud and clear.

Got some time to connect with old friend Crissy Azinarro yesterday over coffee.  I emailed her asking about her interest/availability to play music with Heavy Mellow, so we got together to discuss.  She is interested and I was really happy to hear that.  We made great progress with the band last year and want to continue to grow musically with that project.  I think she will be a great addition and am anxious to get back together with the guys to rehearse, after a month of downtime following the gig and subsequent holidays.  Grateful to have talented folks in my network and even more grateful that some of them want to connect musically with me.

1/4/20:  Grateful for a short interaction with Jim Peluso at work yesterday.  As described below, I haven’t been in a great emotional state.  I didn’t mention it in my list but I think another aspect is a lack of human connection.  I haven’t felt like I connected with many people as of late, other than superficially.  It’s become more of a struggle to get together with people as I’ve gotten older.  I realize the value of it and how much I am wired to connect with people.  I’d like to prioritize that more in 2020 and improve my relationships with a few close people.  I was thankful for a few minutes with Jim, who is one of the few folks at Hasbro I do feel close with.

1/3/20:  Got to the gym at Hasbro yesterday for the first time in a while.  I pop in occasionally, for pushups or stretching, but haven’t changed and used it for a proper ‘workout’ in some time.  Happy that I made it in another day and also keeping my eating in check.  I weighed in today at 257.5, +12.5 more than where I started 2019.  Not proud of it but trying to accept the reality and not beat myself up.

I’ve been internalizing a lot of stress lately.  I think there are 3 major causes.  Selling the house at PV and all the moving parts there.  Lack of motivation and fulfillment at Hasbro.  This credit card dispute with OMG.  On the first point, there is such an unknown with regards to the Bell family.  I don’t know what their plans are, when/if they are moving and what will happen with the Patnaude’s taking their spot.  It’s a big financial ramification all around and I also don’t like the feeling of having such an impact on these families’ lives.  It’s an aspect of landlording that I haven’t previously experienced and am not dealing with it particularly well.  On the Hasbro side, it’s been a slow descent into mediocrity.  I’m not engaged to a high degree with any projects, or people really.  I have a few folks that I consider ‘friends’ here, but even those are basically within the confines of the office.  I’ve developed a negative momentum to my day that I’m having a hard time breaking out of.  Thought a lot lately about changing careers and the idea of purchasing a music store is currently what I’ve been swirling on.  Lastly, I’ve had these looming credit card bills as a result of the poor interactions with OMG.  I contested 2 of them and yesterday got a negative response for both from Capital One.  1 is clearly a 100% error and despite that being indisputible, they are pushing back.  The second charge is contentious because of the date.  It’s been weighing on me but yesterday I at least mustered the resolve to sit down with paper and write everything out.  I also dropped an email to Jamie at OMG asking if we could connect to work it out.  I’ve literally been losing sleep ruminating about it.  Not sure what will happen, but I’m glad to have at least begun the process of working through it, which I had been putting off over the last few days.

1/2/20:  Back at the office today after the long holiday break.  Looking back, I didn’t accomplish much of what I may have thought possible.  I did manage to get some movement in, and visited the gym 3x.  The time with the kids was excellent.  Having Bella around has been really nice and I’m super thankful to see her day to day.  Also enjoy seeing Q work on his music and am getting a small bit of energy from him.

New Year’s eve/day presented a landlord issue over at PV.  Toilet was leaking, fairly substantially.  I went over to try and rectify the situation, not fully knowing what was happening.  After some time there trying to get the flow valve to stop dripping, I resorted to calling in a plumber.  Was feeling much stress from the process and it’s something I’m noticing more over time.  I don’t like having other folks well-being in my hands and being responsible for taking care of their spaces.  Not sure how I will extricate that from my life in the coming years, but it’s something I’m thinking about more often.  I find it hard to change because of the financial value I’ve placed on owning the properties.  Recurring theme in trading my own well being and contentment in favor of money.

12/29/19:  Went out with Sonya and Imran last night.  We had a really nice night and took them around Providence.  We started at The Avery, which is a bar I’ve been wanting to check out for a while.  It’s adjacent to the old location of North, which is now occupied by Big King.  It’s at the top of my wish list for restaurants, but we couldn’t get a table until super late so we settled for a drink.  Then we made our way to The Eddy, an old standby around the corner from PPAC.  After lots of conversation about food and travel, we got hungry enough for dinner and walked down to Oberlin.  The food was outstanding!  We ordered a plethora of small plates, each one more tasty than the last.  We shared a whole fluke and a bottle of sake.  We ended the night at Pastiche for coffee and sweets.  It was really fun and great to get out and connect with some people.  Those guys are really nice and I was thankful for the time together.  I am also thankful for the option to eat such amazing food and to be able to afford experiences like that financially.

12/26/19:  Xmas day yesterday.  Low key lunch at the Bento’s.  Kelly didn’t come since she had an appendectomy so it was just us, Rob and the boys.  I’m thankful to have such great in-laws and for Lisa’s family overall.  We had amazing food of course, and it was a mellow hang.  Also thankful that our kids have everything they need and are still empathetic, hard working, generous, smart and well behaved.  Olga and Joe are such great role models and also excellent cooks 🙂

12/24/19:  We took the kids to the South Shore Plaza yesterday.  They both had money from celebrating Hanukkah the night before with the family.  I had been home all day, so I was eager to get out.  I’m not much of a shopper but it was nice to be out and see tons of people bustling.  I bought a t-shirt for Lanzetta but that was it.  Quincy used nearly all of his loot ($95) to purchase gifts for random friends and Bella.  He, and Bella, are both very generous with their money and I’m super thankful that’s a lesson they have learned from me and Lisa.  It’s really touching to see and it made me really happy.

12/21/19:  Lisa and I went to see Marcus King Band last night.  We booked a room and spent the night up in Northampton.  It’s a cool little town and we had a lot of fun.  The show was great and MK was incredible in a live setting.  I don’t know a ton of his music, but have been watching videos on youtube for quite some time and had been trying to see him for about a year.  His playing was off the charts.  Such a natural, fluid player with tone, chops and feel for days.  He writes great songs and is only like 23 years old.  Thankful to have such experiences with Lisa and that we can enjoy music, each other and traveling around with such ease and regularity.

12/20/19:  Took the family to see Star Wars episode 9 last night.  Everyone loved it.  It was exciting and dramatic, everything you’d expect and want from SW.  Q totally dug it, which was awesome to see.  Thankful that we can all enjoy something like that together as a family.

12/18/19:  Went to lunch with Julie and Mac yesterday.  We ate at the Pho place that occupies the old Ken’s Ramen space.  It was good though nothing can replace Ken’s.  I enjoyed the simple food and connecting with cool people.  Grateful to have interesting folks to share time with and for the light holiday schedule recently at work.

I also ate mindfully during a day when it was difficult.  Started with muffins and pastry at the PMO team meeting.  Then the aforementioned lunch, where I could have overindulged.  Later in the day Shree and the TCS team gifted me a huge bag of chocolates.  I did a good job of breathing through those thoughts and was able to avoid going off the cliff.  Thankful for at least moments of clarity and the ability to act mindfully around food.

12/17/19:  Had lunch with Jason and Saravan at Hasbro yesterday.  I don’t usually eat in the caf but spontaneously joined them since it’s been so slow.  It was nice to catch up with some folks I don’t talk with regularly.  Also, Saravan offered the use of his login for Disney+, which Quincy had been asking me for.  I set it up on our Roku and we watched the Mandalorian last night together.  After dinner, we also watched Episode 7 with both kids, which was really fun.  The new movie is coming out Thursday so we are in full Star Wars mode at home.  I’m grateful to have something that the 4 of us can connect on together and enjoy the simple, classic storytelling of the SW universe.

12/16/19:  I ate mindfully over the weekend.  Super grateful.  Been truly struggling with my intake, mindset and energy over the last few months.  Lisa and I talked a bit about it while we sipped coffee on Saturday morning and it helped.  I’m thankful to have such a supportive wife, who can be a stabilizing force for me.  Nothing fancy, just being open and talking made me feel better and led to a solid weekend of mindful consumption.

12/15/19:  Came home last night after seeing Chuck’s band and then going to Mike Mooney’s party.  Bella came with us to the party after Subway and it was great to have her along.  Everyone was of course glad to see her and we had some fun.  I ate well, which was my main concern.  After we got home, we hung out in the living room for a bit before hitting the sack.  We were all happy and laughing.  Lisa and I were buzzed but there was a cool, happy vibe and everyone was feeling it.  Grateful the kids are still glad to spend time with us and enjoy connecting with our friends.

12/13/19:  Yesterday was the GDOJ project at Hasbro and I lead the Kindness project again.  We had a great team of 40+ people and I enjoyed it as always.  I was less active as a participant this year since I was the main organizer, but it was still a great experience.  We had many new faces on the teams and I met some new Hasbro people.  We met Brian Goldner, the CEO, at WalMart and shopped for some folks in the store as well as a local charity called Crossroads.  Afterward, I delivered the loot to Crossroads and it’s always a cool time to connect with the folks receiving the donations.  Many on the teams had cool stories of impact and I could tell some of them truly enjoyed the experience.  I’m grateful that my company supports these types of functions but also that I am able to put my skills to use with internal folks to help others and themselves.

Bella came home yesterday for winter break.  She’ll be here for about a month, which is great.  We more or less finished all the room moving and cleaning activities.  Both kids seem happy with their new digs and we managed to replace the carpet and get rid of some junk in the process.  It’s nice having them settled in and to have our space slightly improved for little money.

12/11/19:  I’m leading up a project at work called ‘Mission Kindness’.  I’ve participated in it for the last 3 years and have taken over as the lead for IT.  It’s a fun effort as part of Hasbro’s ‘global day of joy’.  In a nutshell, we are allotted $500 to use doing random acts of kindness for folks in the local area.  Yesterday I met with the group leads to walk through the project and answer questions.  It’s always a nice time at work and tomorrow is the event.  Grateful to work for a company that invests in philanthropy and is supportive of these types of events.  Also thankful to be leading such a project and working with the philanthropy team closely to put it together.

At home, we finished off the room transitions and Q spent the night in his new digs.  Thankful that we were able to make the switch smoothly and have Bella’s new room ready for her when she comes back home tonight.  I also got her car serviced, and it was less expensive than I planned.  Grateful to be able to keep everything going for my family and that I have the financial ability to cover all the costs that arise unexpectedly.

12/10/19:  Had lunch with some old 02072 friends, Brian McGowan and Matt Gilman, who both work at Hasbro.  It was nice to catch up with them as we don’t see each other a ton, even though we work at the same company.  It was a good reminder for me about my own health, as both of those guys are fit.  Grateful to be reminded about the importance of taking care of myself and to have some friends who embody (pun intended!) that ideal.

12/9/19:  Hectic weekend.  Had Bella’s old bedroom re-carpeted yesterday.  That required emptying and cleaning it on Saturday, which was a big chore.  It looks great and last night we started to put things back together.  Quincy will be moving in probably tonight and I’m thankful that he will have the chance to occupy the space for however long we remain in the house.  I also had Bella’s car towed to Joe Dias, for some repairs.  It’s been sitting idle in the driveway and won’t start.  Thankful that I can afford things like this to serve my kids and family.

I had some downtime yesterday while the carpet was being installed and Lisa was out at work.  I started learning Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and got through the whole song, enough to even make a practice video playing along with it.  Great song and an excellent addition to Heavy Mellow’s set.  Speaking of which, on Friday, we all met at Shoveltown Brewery in Easton for some laughs.  I told everyone that Anthony is going to leave the band and we discussed future state.  I’m planning to as Wabrek to gague his interest.  Hopeful he will be into it as I think he’s a great player and a good chemistry guy for us.  On Friday during the day, I went to spend the afternoon with Joe at his studio.  We mixed the tracks from the gig and they sound pretty solid.  It’s always fun hanging out there with him and I am so fond of being in the studio environment.  It’s one of my happy places and I’m appreciative of all the opportunities I have to spend time in that space.  Grateful to have the band and music in my life overall, as an outlet and something to focus on that means so much to me.

12/6/19:  I’ve been in a malaise lately, especially at the office.  Physically I’m not taking great care of myself.  I know this yet I cannot seem to break the cycle and improve my eating and exercise level.  I’m stagnant at the job, not working on anything important.  Mailing it in plenty of days.  I know the time of year has something to do with it.  I’ve experienced this many times.  I also know it will pass and I’m not letting it get the best of me, still it’s a thing.  Had a great conversation with Jonas yesterday via chat.  I was telling him about my motivation level and how I feel I should be doing something else with my professional time.  He was giving me some solid advice about Rawkstars and ideas about funding.  He’s becoming a really good friend and I have trust in him even though we don’t know each other all that well.  We planned to spend some time connecting next week before the next visit to the prison, to talk more.  I was grateful for his friendship and words of encouragement.  Even if I don’t immediately action on them, it was a small reminder of the beauty that human connection can have on us.

12/5/19:  Inching ahead on a launch for the new RS website.  Met with Sterling yesterday to go over a couple last front end pieces.  He’s got to make some form connections to the new CMS we are using and we should be able to launch from there.  Hopeful that will give me some focus in the new year and push me to engage a bit harder on making this work.  Been in a malaise lately, with physical movement and emotional doldrums.  More of a numbness than anything.  Just can’t seem to get myself motivated to action on things that I know I’m stagnating on.  Still, grateful for small progress on the site and other projects.  Not every day/week/season is going to be packed with energy and sunshine and pushing through the darker stretches is definitely an important skill to recognize and develop.

12/4/19:  Snow day @ home yesterday.  Shoveled early in the morning with Lisa.  Grateful that I am still able to perform some physical activity and enjoy it.  We never had a snowblower and generally clean up snow together.  It’s a small thing but I’ve grown to like it over the years.  It gives us something to team up on and it’s always satisfying to come back inside after some vigorous shoveling.  The house is warm and inviting and it’s another small thing I am grateful for.

Q wrote his first official song!  He’s been working on writing it for weeks.  He practiced it so he could sing the whole rhyme in one take.  He downloaded Audacity and imported a backing track.  It’s really cool!  The lyrics are thoughtful and mature, which isn’t surprising.  I could tell he was proud of himself and we told him how awesome it was.  Super thankful he is embracing projects like that and being creative.  He’s capable of so much and seeing him mature and push himself physically and now musically is really awesome.  He’s such a great kid.

12/3/19:  Snowy day yesterday and I drove Bella home to Worcester.  We were supposed to take her back on Sunday night after the gig.  Lisa took off after our set but the weather was bad, so they abandoned the idea.  It was nice to have the morning with B and to chat during the ride.  We got breakfast at Miss Worcester, of course, and I brought her to the dorm after.  It was the first time I realized that she is now more comfortable at school than at home.  It was great having her at the house, but she gets bored.  Without work and a schedule to keep her busy, she isn’t feeling productive.  She also has no money so that limits some of her free time.  I could tell she was glad to be back at the dorm.  She has plenty of friends and patterns established now.  Thankful that she has adjusted so well even if it means she is more separated from the house than she used to be.

Gig on Sunday was amazing.  Weather kept some people away but we sold 165 tickets and had a nice turnout.  The band was awesome and I felt amazing.  We had less time than I hoped to soundcheck, so my monitor mix was not great.  I had little of myself, but wound up embracing that instead of asking for more during the set.  I was able to feel the music more than listening to myself so clearly and I think it made me play better.  I was more in the band mode and feeling my playing instead of hearing it.  I thought the band sounded amazing, until the last song.  We saved Kings & Queens for last.  The song prior was Sober, which is in drop D, so I had to tune afterward.  I also use my stompbox on that song, so I muted my channel.  I was talking to the crowd at the same time and got distracted by too many tasks.  We started the song and I was still muted.  That lasted through most of the intro until I realized what was up and brought myself back in.  Something about that mentally derailed me and I wound up then getting lost in the arrangement.  I usually play that song effortlessly during rehearsal, so I was flustered.  I eventually found myself and played the rest ok but the damage was done.  Grateful for the lessons I’m able to glean from playing live music.  I definitely feel better about my skills and will improve going forward.

The gig was a financial success in that I was able to pay everyone a decent sum and still make a small profit for me and Joe.  I was also super thankful for the folks who came out despite the weather.  We made many new fans at the gig and it was a great opportunity to perform for people that didn’t come out specifically to see us.

11/30/19:  Quiet day at home yesterday.  I buttoned up nearly everything in advance of the gig tomorrow.  Bought some snacks and drinks for catering, prepared envelopes to pay everyone and printed out the guest list.  I rehearsed the set a bit to keep limber and shake out some bugs.  I read the whole book that my mom had given me the night before.  Haven’t done that much reading in a while and it felt good.  Book was ok, but an easy read.  I think I need to pickup a few more novel type books.  I’ve been most reading non-fiction the last bunch of years and I find it hard to read that many pages in a day.  Thankful for the mellow day and easy going nature of this holiday weekend.  I also got in 100+ pushups yesterday for the first time in a while and feel like my eating has stabilized a bit these last 2 weeks, despite my over-indulgence on Thanksgiving.  Maybe I can turn a corner and actually start dropping a few lbs and getting more regular, vigorous exercise in the coming weeks.

11/29/19:  Thanksgiving yesterday.  Easy to be grateful for all the awesome food.  As usual, we spent the afternoon at The Bento’s.  Steve, Teresa and Rob and Kelly were also there with the boys.  We had fun catching up.  Lisa and I brought a bunch of old pics so everyone had some laughs as we looked through those.  Mostly quiet and easy going.  Of course we headed to my mom’s later in the evening to spend the last couple hours there.  Usual crowd and we also brought some pics there, which helped liven up the atmosphere.  My mom had bought me a book, The Tattooist of Auschwitz.  When we visited Bella’s school a few months back, I saw that book in the library and commented about it.  She obviously remembered and picked it up along the way.  It was really nice and I started reading it already this morning.  Grateful to be thought about like that and for the unfolding story in the book.

Before heading out yesterday I got a run in at the gym with Bella.  Nothing incredible, but managed 2+ miles on the treadmill at a fair pace.  I haven’t been exercising hardly at all, outside of pushups and occasional yoga.  It felt good to move my body and mentally to get over the hump of inactivity.  Grateful for the motivation and having Bella push me to get there.

11/27/19:  Last jam before the gig last night and it felt and sounded great.  All the loose ends have really come together (pun intended 🙂 and everyone seems confident.  These guys are such pros it’s been an awesome journey.  My goal is to really enjoy myself at the gig, and be present for the music.  Most of the gigs I’ve done have been productions that I’m running.  This one isn’t entirely hands-off, but the heavy lifting of selling tickets has been on Joe’s side and that takes much of the emotional burden off me.  Logistics and details come fairly easy for me, so I’m feeling relaxed and ready to perform.  I’m really excited about the filming aspect too and this is why I left Wicked Blue in favor of my own project.  I want to be able to do special events and focus more on quality over quantity.  This will be a cool project and will fulfill something I’ve been wanting to put together for a while.  Thinking I might work with Quincy on some of the editing to make it even more special.  Grateful for the opportunity to fulfill myself creatively, with such supportive pros in my corner.

11/26/19:  Bella came home last night for the Thanksgiving week.  It was nice to have here around and we watched Riverdale, as has become a pattern when she is home.  I went out to yoga, which was excellent.  I connected with Kelly Pedersen, who attends at the temple sometimes also.  She is really nice and I enjoy talking with her.  Thankful that I was able to prioritize my health and get myself off the couch for the session.

I also posted publicly on FB about the Guitars Behind Bars program.  Got a lot of positive, kind feedback.  Must admit it felt good to have the support of so many.  I know there are folks who won’t dig what we are doing and have come to be ok with that.  I’m grateful to advance the cause of Rawkstars and find our audience, even if it means changing the landscape of who are supporters are.  In the long-term, I think it will benefit both sides.  I’m super grateful for the partners working on this project with me and for the opportunity to make a small difference for the guys participating.

11/25/19:  Had a mellow day at home yesterday.  It poured rain.  I took Q grocery shopping and I was so glad he came with me,  He usually doesn’t like it but it was nice to have him along.  Lisa had to work as she does most Sundays, so I spent most of the afternoon alone.  I made Sunday gravy, which came out great.  It’s probably my best dish as an actual cook.  I don’t need a recipe and have made it enough times to have consistent results.  Had football on in the background and I did some stretching. Thankful for a nice, simple relaxing day heading into Thanksgiving week.

11/24/19:  Went up to visit Bella at school to see her acapella band at an informal show on Friday night.  Q stayed home, which given the drive, was probably for the best.  Before the show we took B and her roommate Zoemi out for Mexican food.  It was really nice to connect and to spend a bit of time with Zoemi.  She is going to be leaving Assumption in a few weeks to try out a school in Philly.  She didn’t have a great experience with the soccer team or coach and Bella mentioned her being pretty homesick.  I’m thankful we got to meet her a bit more than in the past.  She seems like a nice girl and Bella really likes her.  The show was ok, though it was great to see/hear Bella perform.  She was pretty subdued, but sounded amazing as always.  Grateful to see my baby girl doing so well at school and keeping some music in her life.

11/22/19:  At the risk of sounding like a broken record, yesterday was the first day of filming at the prison.  Jonas called me from the road afterward and expressed his excitement at the level of engagement from the guys.  So very blessed to have him and his crew working on this project.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned it already, but I really feel that component will be instrumental, if we are to move the needle towards more of this kind of programming and funding model.  It’s truly an honor to be able to lead this group of folks towards something so rewarding.

11/21/19:  Been listening to some great dharma talks recently on my podcast app.  Thich Nhat Hanh and Tara Brach are two of my favorites.  I feel blessed to have discovered them and having access to their wisdom through my phone is pretty awesome.  I am grateful to live in an age where technology allows that kind of connection.  I notice a difference in how I feel when I’m spending more time consuming that kind of media.

11/20/19:  Band practice continues to be a strong source of fun and gratitude.  We are getting close to the gig now and ran through our setlist with a ‘live’ vigor.  We spent some time on the bridge section for Never Satisfied, which has given us trouble since day 1.  It’s funny, but the real work was taking the time to verbalize how we are each counting that section.  Lisa also helped by giving us a visual cue to lock into.  I’m super confident we will have a strong gig and extremely fortunate to play with such laid back, talented folks.

I took some of the listening skills I used at the drum circle the day before and really focused on that during practice.  It was a cool experience to set that kind of intention ahead of rehearsal and carry it through.  Definitely made a difference.  Thankful (again) that I had that experience and then was able to put the learning to use immediately.

11/19/19:  Attended the first drum circle class at the prison yesterday.  Took the day off from work and enjoyed a leisurely morning.  Drove to Billerica and met Jonas and Doga.  We spent some time catching up with Brendan, who is the person that got our filming project approved.  So thankful for his help and for all the work those guys have done to make this a reality.

Once Maureen and Meredith arrived, I was able to address the group in the couch circle, similar to the first visit I had.  Many new faces and it was great to connect with them more personally in their own environment.  The drum circle was amazingly fun.  Maureen and Meredith did a really good job of keeping the energy going, making it interesting and getting everyone to participate.  There were only a couple holdouts among a group of about 30.  I saw first hand guys smiling, interacting and listening to each other and to the instructors.  It was a really positive first class and I was super grateful to have been able to attend.  I definitely think it’s something I would like to do again, and possibly invite others to.

I also got my first payment from the prison, which took several weeks to sort out.  Grateful to have my bank account replenished a little and to be able to keep things going at least a while longer.

11/16/19:  Took Lisa out for some fun last night.  We went and saw a cool foreign film called Parasite.  It was about two families that intersected in a dark way.  We went to the Avon Theater down in Providence, which is a cool old-school, single screen cinema that shows lots of art films.  Afterward, we went and got some dinner and drinks at the Greek restaurant on the next block.  It was a nice, simple night out together and we had a good time.  Grateful to be able to enjoy time together and for low key things like movies and food.

11/14/19:  Met last night with Jonas andn the information officer at MHoC about the film project for Rawkstars.  It went really well and though we still have one final hurdle to get 100% legal sign off, it was a productive and positive meeting.  I’m so very grateful about this project for so many reasons.  It’s really ignited my passion for building things and the team continues to be a source of amazing positivity.  Today is the first scheduled class and next week we will begin filming, if all goes well.  Can’t wait for others to see what is happening and to see how it impacts the inmates and staff.  Truly honored to be working with such a great crew and for the trust they have placed in me and Rawkstars to make things better.

11/13/19:  HM jam last night.  Getting closer to our debut gig and it was a good practice.  We worked out an intro for the show using the Game of Thrones music.  It’s really cool and I was glad everyone embraced the idea.  I really enjoy playing with these guys.  Everyone is laid back and trusting of one another.  I feel particularly supported since everyone looks to me for direction on things, even though I am by far the least skilled musician in the group.  Super thankful to have this outlet and to be playing music and connecting personally with a great group of guys.

Q had a meeting after school for the new winter track season.  I’m super happy he is joining again.  I also drove home 3 of his friends from the team.  I really like meeting the other kids and am thankful to have time in my day to be able to participate in his life as much as I do.  When I complain about being bored or unfulfilled by my job at Hasbro, this is one area I can point to with gratitude.

11/12/19:  Missed a lot of updates over the weekend.  Lisa’s bday was on Friday.  I took her out to The East End for some tequila and then walked to Persimmon for dinner.  Fabulous meal and we had a good time connecting and eating/drinking.  She embraces the birthday’s and is one of the few people I know who aren’t lamenting getting older.  Grateful to have a wife who is so grounded and well adjusted to life.  Also for our ability to afford and be in proximity to such amazing food.  Not everyone lives someplace or has the means to take advantage of that whenever the whim strikes.  It’s not lost on me.

Lisa’s band played on Saturday and were awesome, as usual.  Saw lots of cool people and though I wasn’t feeling super social at the outset, had a good time.  Grateful for music and for the fact that so many of my friends and wife are quite excellent at it.

Visited Bella, as kind of a surprise on Sunday.  We drove to Assumption and took her to breakfast.  She seems like she is doing well and in a bit better of a mindset than the last couple times we talked.  She said she was buckling down more with studies and its nice to hear that she is focused on what she is there for.  Thankful she is still close by and that we can drive up and see her almost anytime.

Yesterday was in the 60’s, unseasonably warm for mid-November.  Took the opportunity to get out and clean up the yard a bit.  I also verbalized my intention to Lisa that I was gonna start moving more and consuming less.  Sounds fluffy but I’m hopeful that something out saying it out loud and committing to it will push me to take more action.  I’ve truly struggled the last several weeks and my weight has ballooned back over 250 for the first time in nearly 2 years.  I’m confident I can get back to where I feel better but it’s been harder than expected to make that so.  I took a yoga class last night at the temple for the first time in at least a year.  It felt great and was a small reminder that I can still take care of myself and that my body will respond if only I ask it to.

11/7/19:  Purchased and handed over the recording equipment to John Baptista for the Guitars Behind Bars program.  Only item left to purchase is the computer.  It’s been a long process and expensive for Rawkstars.  Hopeful the execution will be what we all hope and the impact on the inmates and staff will prove valuable.  I really am grateful to have been able to see, put together and pull off this project.  I’ve longed to work on something creative and impactful for a while and this has been fulfilling.

Quincy started feeling better last night also.  He’s bee really sick and it’s awful seeing your kids feel like that.  I tried to make him comfortable and feel special with plenty of attention since he’s fallen ill.  Truly thankful for his improvement and our whole family being relatively healthy all these years.

11/6/19:  Went to Frank Murphy’s wake last night.  Rode in with Chuck since we were both solo.  It was nice to connect with him outside of band practice.  When I got to his house, Anthony asked me to come in and showed me a video he put together of an original song.  It was really good and he is such a talented kid.  He told me his experience doing the Kiss video years ago with Rawkstars taught him a lot and he used that learning to make his own.  So grateful to have impacted such a cool kid.

At the wake I ran into a ton of old friends.  Was really happy to run into with Greg, Munro, Mike Long, Darren, Ralph, Falzone and a few others.  I feel lucky to have such a shared history with so many.  I’m not really close with most of those guys and probably never was, but it doesn’t really matter.  We have grown up together, even at arms length and I enjoy reconnecting with many of them.

Frank’s passing also reminds me of my own mortality and I am grateful to be alive.  Every day.

11/5/19:  Quincy has been sick.  I took him to the doctor yesterday and got him some meds.  After we got home, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie.  He did so I put on American History X.  I had been listening to a podcast with Ed Norton and it reminded me of that film.  I kinda though Q would like it and he did.  He usually thinks my picks are boring so it was nice to get a thumbs up.  I had fun actually spending time with him, albeit at the doctor’s office and then on the couch.  I am grateful for our time together and for the fact that he still likes spending days with me.

11/4/19:  Busy weekend.  Friday night we took the kids to see Logic down at Mohegan Sun.  We picked up Bella at school and drove down together.  Lisa and I waited in line with them and we had some laughs, then split once the doors opened.  We grabbed dinner, walked around a bit and then settled in at the bar waiting for the show to let out.  It was fun to have Bella along and of course the kids were excited.  Lisa and I enjoyed the downtime and it felt kinda nice to get a little buzzed.  A guy at the bar next to us dropped a hundred dollar bill on the floor.  Lisa pointed it out to him so he proceeded to buy us a round.

The next morning Q had his last cross country meet of the season.  I got up at 7, after going to bed at 1 to take him to the bus.  Kid was up on his own and groggy, but awake.  He performed pretty well at the meet and it’s been such a great couple months watching him improve.

Later that afternoon was the annual Apple Pie Bake-Off, over at Sue and Doug’s place.  We had a good time and although Lisa’s pie didn’t win, we had plenty of laughs and overate with friends.  It’s a cool tradition and always a good time.  Bella hung with us most of the day, while Quincy decided to stay home.  I couldn’t blame him really.  He would have been bored and had a super busy evening/morning just before.

Sunday, I took care of the grocery shopping and made a pot of spaghetti sauce.  Always one of my favorite things to cook and I had it on the stove most of the day.  Bella needed to return to school, so I had to drive her in the middle of the day.  Again, lots of time in the car, but it was nice to have her company, even during a quiet ride.

Grateful for the family time over the weekend and for the hang with old friends.

10/31/19:  Been battling a cold all week.  I began to feel better and less congested on Monday, but then feel like I backslid.  Yesterday I was super congested and went home from work because I was blowing my nose constantly.  I’m grateful for my relative good health.  I haven’t gotten sick in a while and even thought I’m struggling with my weight and managing stress lately, I know that I am better off than many.  I am still able to enjoy life and even push myself physically when I try.  It seems small but I know it to be huge.

10/30/19:  Yesterday, during band practice, I got word that Franky Murphy had passed away.  Chuck had gotten a text from his wife with the news and told me as we were packing up.  I wouldn’t say I was close with Frank and in actuality, hadn’t really connected with him much in the last several years.  That said, we had a ton of shared musical experiences along the way and it was a sad thing to hear.  Frank was always a ‘troubled’ dude.  When we were kids he had lots of health issues and never was able to get himself healthy physically or mentally.  He battled drugs and alcohol through his life.  He was an amazing guitar player and I can remember vividly how good he was as a teenager, even amongst a strong local scene of excellent guitarists.  He oozed music and was a very ‘natural’ and fluid player.  His main band, Triphammer, is one that I have a long history with.  I took them in the studio for their first demo and we did a ton of great local gigs together.  I had them perform at several of my events over the years including the Wargasm reunion show and the Deringer’s 10th Anniversary gig.  About 6 years ago, after that Deringer’s gig, I talked with Frank.  He told me how much that opportunity meant to him and I could feel the genuine nature of how being able to perform for his friends made him feel, given the trajectory of his life.  Shortly after, I put together a cool recording project to pay tribute to Gary Moore, and asked Frank to play on it.  Honestly, very few players I know could have done justice to that song and it’s one of the recording sessions I’m most proud of.  I had to pick Frank up at his house, since he never drove.  I bought him a tuner and even lunch one day, since he also never had money.  We only rehearsed once and then spent a long day in the studio cutting the tracks.  I remember Frank wanting to lay down lead after lead all day long, and he was frustrated by not being able to get it the way he wanted it to feel.  His inexperience in the studio showed in that session, but so did his passion, attention to detail and skill.  After a few hours and dozens of takes I had to call it because we weren’t making improvements and I thought he had laid down tracks that were strong enough for what our production was intended to be.  The project was really just for fun after all.  I think part of Frank just wanted to stay in the studio, playing his guitar and trying to show us what he was capable of.  That I made the right choice asking him to play on the track.  He did and I was extremely thankful to have had him as part of those sessions.  I wish I had reached out to him to show him how many people that song touched.  I literally get notes multiple times per week from people all over the globe who have favorited that song and it’s gotten upwards of 32k plays.  Kids in Saudi Arabia, Indonesia and dozens of other countries were moved by Frank’s playing.  I think it would have made him smile to know that his guitar playing touched all those people.  Frank lived for music and I’m glad we had the chance to make some together.

10/29/19:  Visited the prison yesterday to deliver the instruments for the music program, slated to start on 11/14.  Was the first time the whole team was together.  Meredith and Maureen came and I brought John.  I also had Jonas and Doga come for the first time to meet everyone and begin the process for getting clearance to make a short film about the project.  Very psyched about everything and the momentum is there.  Super grateful to have gotten the project to this point from where it started 5 months ago.  Also grateful to have the resources to have put together such a powerful project team.  It promises to be one of the best group of folks I’ve had the chance to work with.  Having them show confidence in me by participating feels nice and I’m appreciative of their support and contributions to the work.

On the drive home, John and I had a great conversation.  Talked about music, teaching and other subjects including gratitude.  We are like minded in some ways and it felt good to converse with someone who I can tell lives with that attitude, without having to manufacture it.  It was really nice to connect with him on a personal level and I enjoy his company greatly.  Thankful to have him involved with this work and for the connection we’ve made over the years.

10/28/19:  Saturday we attended Sue Kast’s 50th birthday party.  It was at Dave and Liza’s house, and as always, they were great hosts.  Plenty of food and drink and friendly people.  It was nice to celebrate Sue.  She deserves some attention as she is a super sweet, kind person.  I got her a box set of Thich Nhat Hanh’s ‘how to live’ series.  I hope she will enjoy it and take something away from his writing.  She and Doug are great people, raised an awesome family and we enjoy their company greatly.  Thankful to have such great friends in our lives.

Yesterday, Quincy and I were scheduled to attend the Patriots game.  I wanted to take him to see Tom Brady at least once, even though he doesn’t care about football.  Unfortunately, both of us have been sick and the weather was horrible.  It was a total downpour for most of the day, so we decided to punt on the game.  Instead we hung out and stayed home.  We played cards and talked and I made some homemade vegetable soup.  We watched the game at home and we were both fine with the decision.  Grateful to be prosperous enough to take my son to see the game and blessed enough to bow out, when circumstances require.  He appreciated both decisions and so did I.

10/26/19:  Followed up my mental/physical health day yesterday by doing some of the same.  Worked in the morning from home, then spent some time cleaning up the back yard.  Getting things put away for winter and burned a bunch of scrap wood that had been piling up against the house.  I did the Sam Harris meditation again, while I burned the wood.  It was kinda cool but also a bit distracting since I couldn’t forget about the fire while I had my eyes closed.  I also brought 2 large coolers back to Mike Mooney, that I had borrowed months ago for Bella’s 18th party.  Dave Purdy gave me a ride with his truck and we got a chance to catch up.  Grateful for his help and for spending time making my house nicer.

I made a pot roast in the fast cooker, which I haven’t used in months.  Came out pretty decent and thankful as always for home cooked food.

Lisa got a call from one of Q’s teachers explaining that his behavior hasn’t been too great in her class.  She played the message for me and Quincy and it was detailed.  He didn’t deny some of the comments but also didn’t fully accept them.  He had some similar instances back in  middle school but it’s been a while since we had to talk with him about school behavior.  I know he took it pretty hard as he doesn’t like to be called out and doesn’t want to disappoint us.  I’m extremely proud of him and he is an awesome kid.  It’s just another step in his maturity to see him take it so personally.  I feel confident that he will rectify the situation on his own as he has shown a willingness to take responsibility when called out in the past.  Thankful beyond words to have such a great son and to be his dad.

10/25/19:  Yesterday I took a mental/physical health day from work.  As it turned out, I got sick overnight.  I enjoyed a quiet morning and slept in, after getting up and helping Q get off to school by making his lunch.  I went back to bed, which I never do, and stayed asleep until 9:30, also unusual.  When I got up the house was empty.  I had some coffee and made breakfast, after getting myself cleaned up.  I had a call scheduled with Jonas about the prison film project for 11:30.  I wanted to head out to enjoy the great fall weather and started driving to New Bedford, to visit Fort Tabor park.  I pulled over by the water and took the call with Jonas remotely.  It was awesome to catch up with him and I am so grateful he is on board with this project.  It’s going to make a humungous difference in our fundraising and ability to tell the story of the program once completed.  He’s also just a cool guy, creative and smart.  After the call I got down to the park, left my car and stretched a bit.  I haven’t run in about 3 weeks, so it was a bit rough.  I was also winded due to being sick and with such poor eating habits this week.  I did probably only about 1.25 miles but it felt good.  I walked back and took a few pics along the way.  I stopped at a bench right in front of the ocean where the sun was strong and warm.  I sat down, put on headphones and listened to a 30 minute guided meditation by Sam Harris.  I’ve gotten away from using the guided stuff in the last year or so, but it was fantastic.  He is a great explainer and I find his voice soothing.  His explanation was really on point and the meditation really felt great.  Super thankful for the downtime and for stumbling across this specific video.  Took my time wrapping up and got home in plenty of time to get Quincy from track practice.  Awesome day and thankful to be alive.

Last night I got a Fender stompbox pedal that I ordered a week or so prior.  I plugged it in and it was so much fun to play with.  It ‘electrified’ my playing and allowed me to dig in slightly less but still get enough energy from the strings.  I jammed through our set and it felt and sounded great.  Grateful to have the resources to buy mostly whatever I want and to be able to enjoy music and feel slightly better as a player.

10/23/19:  Big struggles with my eating lately.  Really been experiencing it since about mid-June, when I was feeling slim, strong and digging the way my clothes fit.  For the last 4+ months it’s been fits and starts of poor choices and old behaviors.  I’ve been closet eating, looking for excuses to get away from the house and eat empty calories.  I’m feeling terrible about myself for ‘giving in’ to these impulses instead of being able to use my improved ability to not habitually react.  I don’t like the way I look or how my clothes fit.  All that said, I am grateful.  Grateful for the fact that somewhere inside I know I can get back to where I was in June.  It will surely take effort but I am confident it will happen, when it needs to.  I’m also grateful to be a different person then when that behavior was the norm for me and for the ability to recognize and take action.

10/21/19:  Did some hiking and took some pics with Q yesterday afternoon.  Lisa was at work, so I did the grocery shopping.  Afterward, I wanted to get out of the house and enjoy some fresh air, so I asked him to take a little hike.  We went to the local bird sanctuary, which is close by and easy.  Nothing too fancy but I grabbed a couple shots with the camera and as usual, we talked while we hiked.  I’m super grateful to enjoy time with my son in nature.  I’m also grateful he comes along with me, sometimes less willingly than others, but still 😉

10/19/19:  Q had a twilight meet last night down in Falmouth.  Lisa left work early and the two of us drove down to watch.  Quincy was really excited and it’s been such an amazing change to see happening in him.  The night before he texted us while we were out and reminded us to pickup Gatorade for his team.  The fact that he has all this in his mind and is being proactive about the schedule, getting himself ready and participating so actively is just awesome.  He looked good during the run and he saw us when he came around the track.  I could tell he was happy we were there and his running looked strong.  Cam also went down there to visit and see the team members.  I know Q was psyched to see him also and it’s really sweet to watch.  Super grateful for Quincy’s progression and to be able to see him grow right before our eyes.

10/17/19:  Went out for drinks last night with CXO Jamie.  It was really fun and we had a very productive, open conversation.  I had my official ‘interviews’ yesterday, which were basically casual conversations about the state of the teams.  Everyone has been really supportive and open during the process.  I had an open conversation with Jamie about the salary and job level I am asking for.  My hope is that she can make that happen and I will get an offer commensurate with what I asked for.  If so, I’ll be thrilled to jump into the new role.  If not, I’ll have to make a choice.  Either way, grateful for the support and confidence coming my way from so many people and thankful to have a good job and a possible choice for another good job.

After I left the bar, I was walking back to my car and passed this woman coming out of the art supply store with her arms full of canvases.  She was struggling to carry them and get her keys out to open her car door.  I stopped and asked if she needed help.  I held the canvases for her while she opened the trunk.  Then I placed all the stuff in for her and wished her a good night.  I am so grateful when I get to connect with someone like that.  Two people who didn’t know each other and the simple act of kindness that can change both of us for the better.  It also made me thankful to spend time in a cool neighborhood like the East Side, where interactions like that are possible.

10/15/19:  Took the kids to the mall yesterday.  B came with us and we were stumped for something everyone wanted to do together, so we drove to Braintree.  I’m not a shopper.  In fact, I do it rarely.  I usually talk myself out of buying much more than an occasional pair of shoes or a few new work shirts a couple times a year.  We quickly split up, as the girls ducked into the first shoe store we passed.  Me and Q walked a bit and hunted for a new sweatshirt for him.  He’s also not a shopper and really hasn’t been interested in clothes or style to this point in his life.  We found some plain sweatshirts and I bought him two.  It was my turn to duck into a shoe store and I found a nice pair that I took.  While he waited, he was checking out some gold chains, that made him look more ‘rap’ oriented.  I encouraged him to buy them as I could tell he kinda dug them.  He was psyched and wore them immediately after we left the store.  We then found some t-shirts that suited his personality, like ‘Los Pollos Hermanos’ and ‘That’s What She Said’.  It was kinda nice seeing him happy about adding to his own style a bit.  I’m grateful that he’s not an overconsumer, slavishly spending money on fashion.  I’m also thankful that he is developing a bit of care about his appearance and presenting himself in a way that contains some self-expression.  Lastly, grateful that I am able to purchase reasonable things with my son and bring some small joy to his day.

10/13/19.  Bella has been home for the Columbus weekend.  It’s been nice having her around and interacting in person.  Yesterday we went to breakfast in advance of seeing Q run with his team for a meet.  We had a nice conversation while we ate and then watched Q and his team compete at a large event in Wrentham.  It was awesome seeing him run, though he was again dissatisfied with his time and pace.  Grateful that we’ve got the family together for a few days and grateful that Q is being a bit tough on himself without getting too down.

Yesterday afternoon, Lisa and I attended a baby shower for Chuck Fitzgerald and his wife, Bo.  Chuck is such an awesome guy.  We met in the late 80s through the music scene.  He played drums for Triphammer and lots of other bands I connected with and mixed over the years.  Always a super humble, grounded, down to Earth type and I admired his quiet demeanor over the years.  He and Bo found each other late in life and it’s really awesome to see him so happy after many years of being alone.  He’s going to make an awesome dad for sure and I feel grateful to have crossed paths in life with Chuck.

10/11/19:  Had Chinese food for dinner with Lisa and Q last night.  The food was ok, nothing special, but the circumstance felt kinda good.  Lisa wasn’t feeling well, so she didn’t want to go out and it got too late for us to deal with cooking.  She mentioned wanting Chinese, which is something we rarely eat.  I took Q and drove to the take-out spot.  I ordered a vegetarian dish of simple veggies, a spicy chicken and peanuts blend and a small order of rice.  I steered clear of the fried, ultra processed choices and ate pretty healthfully.  I like to use chopsticks as it naturally slows me down a bit and helps keep me mindful.  I’m grateful for making solid choice even when presented with the totally regular occurrence of a dinner out of the house.  Baby steps.

10/10/19:  Got an interview schedule officially slotted for the new position at Hasbro.  I’ll be meeting with a few members of the team who I know very well.  I’m excited to get movement on the process, even though it’s been slow.  Grateful for the opportunity to elevate to this new role and the confidence folks are showing in me by even asking.

10/9/19:  Got some time yesterday to work on the RS website project.  It’s been ‘underway’ for months, though stalled for the last couple.  Mostly, it’s not been urgent, but as work ramps up from OMG on our back-end project, it’s more important to get it rolling now.  Also, we have the final versions of the video and photo assets.  In any case, I took about 2 hours to revamp the wireframe, which is a hand drawn sketch 😉 . I also did a bit of content creation and writing for the copy areas that needed work.  I am meeting with my developer, Sterling, tomorrow to run through the changes I outlined.  Hopeful to have it locked down for next week, so that I can hand it over to OMG/Jesse to get all the database/wordpress/ontraport pieces connected.  Grateful for a couple hours of focus and pushing myself to get those things done.  Finally.

10/8/19:  Yesterday, Lisa and I met in the afternoon to watch Quincy’s cross country meet.  It was the first time we went to another location, besides THS.  The meet was at a park that was really hilly.  The course was also much longer than what he’s used to and it was a windy day.  He had been getting himself a bit worked up the day or two before, once he heard it was a full 5k run, which is longer than he’s ever tried.  He struggled from the outset and by the mid-point, we visibly saw him holding his stomach and laboring.  We yelled our support for him as he trudged by and I could tell he was wanting to throw in the towel.  He disappeared from view after a minute or two and we waited near the finish as we saw all the other kids cross the line.  Eventually, Q came up around the bend and he looked much stronger.  He was running smooth and no more stomach holding.  He was in last place but I couldn’t have been prouder of him at that moment.  He pushed himself through the resistance and physical discomfort and embarrassment of being last and finished strong.  It was awesome and I told him I was more proud of him then than the week before when he finished in the top half.  I’m so grateful he has made the leap to the team, that he is trying hard and that he is growing so much as a person.  I’m also grateful to have a job that allows me the freedom to be present at events like this.

10/7/19:  We visited Bella at Assumption on Saturday and spent the afternoon.  It was so great to see her in person and feel her presence again.  She is doing well and looked healthy.  We missed Zoemi, her roommate, as she was preparing for a soccer game that day.  It was really nice out so we spent a while walking the campus.  She gave nana a tour of all the spaces and class buildings she frequents.  We met a few of her friends along the way and just like in High School, she seems to already be popular and know many people.  After a while we took a drive to a Greek restaurant downtown.  She picked it because she thought I would like it, which was super sweet.  We connected, talked and basically just caught up as a group.  My mom was of course thrilled to come along and we even had some nice conversations in the car on the drive up.  Super grateful that Bella is doing so well and thriving in the college transition.  She will be coming back home this weekend for Columbus Day, so we’ll get to spend more time with her and have her at the house, which will be awesome.

10/5/19:  Q had another XX track meet the other night and kicked ass!  I wasn’t able to get there in time to see him run, but he clocked in at 12:35, which beat his PR by a bunch.  More importantly, he was super proud of himself.  He came home talking about the run with excitement and passion.  I could tell how much confidence it gave him and he finished ahead of lots of his teammates.  It was so awesome to see his eyes lit up with positivity about his run and what he is capable of.  I know he is only going to get better at running and I am super thankful that he was able to overcome his initial resistance and push beyond what he was comfortable with.  I really think it is a transformative time for him and so very grateful to be his dad.

I used Q’s example to push beyond my own inertia and officially applied for a new position at Hasbro yesterday.  I’ve been waffling all week since it posted and talked to lots of folks about my feelings.  After more than enough consideration I decided to go for it.  I’ve been stale in my work life for several years mostly and this will push me to new areas of the company and potentially in my business career.  Most of my anxiety around it has been due to the potential loss of simplicity that I’ve gotten used to, but I know that isn’t good for me long-term and hasn’t served me to become a better version of myself and to learn about what I am capable of.  Grateful for the opportunity before me and for learning from my son’s example.

10/4/19:  Signed up and took a cycling class yesterday.  I had been driving past this new studio on my ride home for the last several months.  Thought about it a ton and never had the guts to go in.  Since we returned from Savannah, I’ve been feeling good, eating well and taking better care of myself.  I told Lisa about the studio a few days ago and finally dialed it up.  Class was good and I had no trouble at all keeping up.  Was a good reminder about my ability to participate, and improve my fitness.  Grateful for the ability to push passed the resistance and jump in.

Had some good conversations at the office about the new position I’ve been struggling with.  I’m going to throw my hat in the ring officially and am feeling like it is the right move for me at this point in my life/career.  The team has a lot of confidence in my ability and I think they will follow suit with support and resources to make the necessary changes to implement great process.  Grateful to have folks around here I trust for guidance, including Jim Peluso, Ginny McCormick and Jen Preston.

10/3/19:  Spent some time texting with Bella last night.  Lisa was at band practice and Q was playing Fortnite with Wyatt.  I was in the living room, nursing a sore wrist from the week of pushups.  I had a weird day at the office, with some meetings back to back.  First was a pow-wow with my bosses about the proposition of the new role being offered to me.  I was open about my feelings and situation and it felt good to get it into the open.  Not sure how it came across but I was authentic, for better or worse.  I expressed some of my frustration with not making much progress on building out the team or advancing over 5 years.  I am thankful to work someplace where I can speak openly and have the general support of my supervisors and peers.

In any case, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and confused by what I want to do.  I reached out to B and we chatted for a while, which made me feel better.  She gave me some confidence and I was grateful to have the connection with her, even from a distance.

10/2/19:  Band practice last night.  We went through 2 new songs, Kings & Queens and Never Satisfied.  I was pretty surprised and happy with how awesome we played the Aerosmith song.  It’s pretty different and we really played it well right off the bat.  The Judas Priest song is fairly simple, though it has this proggy change in the bridge which we couldn’t quite get.  Verses were great and I think it will wind up being a solid tune for us after another week of everyone learning this at home.  Super grateful for the new band and how well everyone gets along, even beyond their awesome playing.  I noticed last night how much smiling goes on at rehearsal and I was grateful for that.

10/1/19:  Back to Hasbro yesterday for vacation re-entry day.  Pretty calm all around.  Got my 100 pushups in, which I was truly grateful for.  Feeling better this week and thinking about trying a cycling class at a new place that I drive by on my way home each night.  Had a nice lunch with an old work friend Nirav, who gave me some good perspective on stuff at the office.  Finished watching Mindhunter season 2 with Lisa last night.  Such an amazingly well done production.  Grateful to live in the golden age of TV, where entertainment can be so powerful, and artistic.

9/30/19:  Another lazy day of self-care as vacation wound down.  Fruit/yogurt/nuts for breakfast and I made a pot of homemade gravy that I let simmer for hours.  It came out most excellent, one of the best batches I’ve ever made.  I had the Pats game on tv and brought my yoga mat up for some stretching and light poses.  Completed my 100 pushups also.  Took a family walk after the game with Lisa and Q.  We did a lap around the neighborhood just to get out and breathe some fresh air together.  Thankful I’ve been able to string together a few good days and start to feel a bit better about myself physically.  Also thankful my body is responsive when I give it the attention it deserves.

9/29/19:  Grateful for a second day of healthy eating and exercise.  Got in a nice 3.5 mile run around Field’s Park with Lisa.  Prepped a nice breakfast afterward and made tuna steaks with corn salsa for dinner.  Completed my 100 pushups and went to bed without overeating again.

Q had his friend Alannah come over.  They’ve been hanging around the last couple weeks and he referred to her as his girlfriend 😉 . She seemed cute and friendly and I’m glad he’s doing so well at making better relationships, both with boys and girls.

9/28/19:  First night back home after vacation.  Thankful for home cooked food!  Thankful for my own bed, shower and house.  Thankful to spend the day with Q.  Lisa and I went grocery shopping, which I enjoy.  We bought a ton of fresh, healthy food for the week and I spent some time preparing meats and salad yesterday.  The little things really do mean the most.

I had a good day of eating and my mindset was strongly focused on health.  I didn’t overeat and kept my attention on how I felt, instead of giving into automatic feelings of wanting to eat.  I got back on the pushup challenge and got through 100 by the end of the night.

Caught up on some Rawkstars business.  Managed to finally get the team training arranged for the Billerica HoC program.  I also contacted the account folks there and began putting together the invoice to send them a bill for the pilot.  I connected with Jesse and Chloe over at OMG about the social media logins and some other loose ends they need to get started this week.  Lastly, I re-watched the RS video drafts and started to put together some thoughts about feedback for Jonas and team to apply to round #2.

Grateful for all the projects I have going on and that I am able to keep them all afloat, even if it’s slower than I would like.

9/27/19:  Vacation in Savannah this past week.  I forgot my computer charger so I was not able to properly write.  Had a good time, though I didn’t take great care of myself.  We did a lot of eating/drinking and exploring the city on foot.  We did get outside the city one afternoon and spent 1/2 a day at the beach.  Grateful that I am able to afford to travel and take Lisa along.  Quincy stayed home alone for a few days, though we did have Nana and Vavo both check on him.  He did great as expected and it’s nice to see him continue to develop as a maturing teen.  Going away always makes you thankful to come home and this was no different.  Grateful for my amazing bed, for home cooked food and even for having a ‘regular’ schedule.  All those things help keep me healthy and grounded.

Another offshoot of vacation sometimes is overdoing it.  Did that in spades, on the heels of a whole summer of doing the same at home.  I’m committing as of today to getting back to some feeling of health.  I want to drop 30lbs before I turn 50 and am thankful my body (and mind) have the strength to accomplish that goal.  I’m planning to get back to the pushup routine (100 per day) and start watching my food intake, particularly the sugar.  I think I should get on the Whole30 bandwagon, or at least eliminate added sugars, dairy and alcohol.  I’m going to start some kind of tracker, either offline or online to chart my progress through the year.  Grateful for continuing to try.

9/20/19:  PM team gave me a surprise birthday card and some breakfast fruit yesterday.  It was very sweet and unexpected.  Another example of how little effort it takes to make a big impact on others.  Thankful to have such a thoughtful group of folks at my office.

I received a nomination for the Hasbro Hero award yesterday.  I think I’ve been nominated like 4 times.  It’s recognition they give to an employee who does a lot of volunteer work.  I’ve never won the award, which is ok.  Not sure who nominated me, or if it’s the same person year over year.  Regardless, at least one person around here sees me in this light and it’s super humbling.  I’m grateful to have impacted enough folks to warrant that viewpoint from at least one of my peers.

9/19/19:  Had lunch with an old friend, Dave Adams, yesterday.  We met at Hasbro and he got laid off last year.  Enjoyed a great meal at Garden Grille and caught up.  We talked of course about work and it was helpful for me.  I feel like I gained some perspective in light of all the recent activity for me here at the office.  Still not sure how all that will unfold, but I’m grateful to be in a position to have choices, all of which are positive.

9/18/19:  Yesterday was Q’s first track meet.  I had a hectic day at work, but managed to sneak out early enough to catch it a bit after it started.  Having never attended one, I was ambling around the field looking for Lisa and trying to sort out what was happening.  I saw a group of parents off to the side by this little hill that lead over to the track.  Q had described to me before that they ran through this path around the complex, through woods, etc. and so I assumed this was the exit point.  I waited a few minutes and saw a couple runners emerge and charge up the hill before completing 3/4 of a lap on the track to finish the race.  I wasn’t even sure Q would be running, since he has only practiced a few times and I have no context of how the runners are designated.  In any case, I was just watching the kids come by while the parents cheered them on.  After a bit, Q came rounding the corner and I was so damn excited.  He was pushing himself and looking good, in a pack with a bunch of others.  I saw him and a girl elbowing for position as they hit the track and I could tell he didn’t want to get passed by her.  He made his way around the track and I headed over to the finish line, where I saw him cross.  I was screaming for him and couldn’t have been more proud and excited for him.  It was a truly awesome experience and I felt so thankful and proud to be his dad.

At the office, my friend Ashley has been planning her wedding for about a year.  She’s super nice and it’s cute to watch someone so young be exuberant about that event.  In any case, I organized a little celebration for her in conjunction with the team.  We collected donations and I bought her some wedding type gifts off Amazon and brought in a card for everyone to sign.  She was visibly emotional and it was sweet to see someone moved by our tiny act.  Grateful to have the chance to make someone feel special and for the support of the group in going along with my plan.

9/17/19:  Q attended a pasta dinner last night as part of the cross country team.  I guess this is something they do prior to team meets.  So damn proud of him.  Lisa picked him up from practice and said he was in a good mood.  He told her about the party, which was at the house of the one of the runners.  I took him there at 5:30 and there was a bunch of kids playing volleyball.  Extremely thankful that he is turning around his attitude about being on the team and embracing the social aspects also.  We saw how much this helped Bella when she was in the Drama Club.  She developed so many friendships and bonds with kids of all grades in her school.  It’s just awesome seeing Quincy get on that path and taking a positive mental approach.  He rawks!

9/16/19:  Met the family for brunch yesterday to celebrate Nana’s 98th bday.  Most definitely thankful that she is still with us and for the fact that she has seen the kids grow up a decent amount.  She’s such an awesome lady, it made it worth the discomfort and bad food 😉 . I also saw my brother, which is not common these days.  We have always had an awkward relationship, as is the case with everyone in my family.  That said, I love him very much and think back to the times when I was little and he treated me really well as a younger brother.  Grateful I have those memories.

Grateful for the simple act of grocery shopping.  Lisa and I did that in the afternoon and it’s something I’ve come to enjoy.  I like selecting healthy, fresh food and am thankful that I can afford basically whatever I want.  The weather was also spectacular all weekend, one of those late summer days when it’s warm and sunny but you can still feel a crispness in the air as fall approaches.

9/15/19:  Ran a solid 3.6 miles yesterday morning with Lisa.  Q has been running with the cross country team this past week.  He’s been struggling a bit, mostly mentally, with wanting to quit after only a couple days.  I knew it would be a hard hump for him to get over, but he is trying.  We decided to show solidarity and run after dropping him off at practice.  One of the seniors on the team ran with him and helped make him feel better I think.  Lisa and I had a good run and the pace was pretty strong for me, 11:20 per mile.  I felt great about being able to complete the run strong.  Truly grateful that my beat up, aging body can still churn through a decent run.

We did some shopping in the afternoon.  Not my favorite activity but I wanted to get a few new shirts for work.  Been feeling like I should present myself a bit more polished with the new folks at the office and see what changes.  In line for a promotion and hoping to hear about it this week.  Thankful for the opportunity and for my job overall.  Even though it’s not super fulfilling, it provides a ton for my family and doesn’t take much out of my tank, so to speak.  I know I’m fortunate to have such a solid workplace and be so well compensated for my time, even if it isn’t my ideal situation.

9/13/19:  Continued movement on the potential job front yesterday.  I’ve had some anxiety about it all and found my mind ruminating, as can happen.  I also caught myself doing this and even connected the dots a bit to the time of year, when I seem to be susceptible to this kind of activity.  I’m super grateful to have learned how to tune into my body more over these last few years.  I’m also grateful for the opportunity (potentially) at the office and want to embrace it for many reasons.

Lisa continues to be a source of strength and positivity for me.  She sent me a nice text at work, as I was supposed to meet with folks about the job.  It was delayed by a day but the message was well received.  I am thankful to have such a loving and supportive partner.

9/12/19:  Quincy joined the XX track team!  After much talking and indecision, he called me in the afternoon and asked if I could pick him up from practice.  Apparently he had decided during the day to connect with the coach and jump in.  I picked him up on my way home from work and it was so nice to see him all sweaty and tired 😉 . Sounds like he did really well at the practice and felt ok.  I’m so damn proud of Q and really look forward to how this continues to change and mature him.  He’s amazingly capable and I can’t wait to see how this fuels his ability to push himself and grow.  So thankful for an amazing son who is not only smart and funny, but also developing instincts about himself and willing to explore new territory.  His improved physical health will only continue to feed all those efforts and I couldn’t be more proud.

9/11/19:  Had an on-boarding call yesterday for the social media / consulting engagement I started with OMG on behalf of Rawkstars.  It was fun and kinda exciting and I’m flush with gratitude about being able to even do something like that.

I’ve been in a bit of a whirlwind mental state lately with a lot of high impact / high touch things going on in my life.  This ‘spend’ coupled with all the RS activity being one such thing.  Bella/Quincy and their respective school changes with all the associated life changes for the family being another.  Trying to get Heavy Mellow off the ground and now having the 12/1 gig at The Spire coming closer is another.  Bob Bell and the pending sale of our Pilgrim Village property is another.  The prison program I got approved and now need to execute looms large.  Stuff at Hasbro also really ramping up and potentially being on the verge of stepping up my work level and stress is the last.

Just typing these things is exhausting and I’m hopeful to learn a lesson in terms of simplifying.  I’ve done slightly better on that the last few years but still it’s cyclical, like everything, and the last few months are feeling overwhelming even as I am in the midst of all those things.

I am grateful for all these opportunities and even for the fact that I realize how thin I’ve spread myself.  I want to enjoy all of them individually and be able to execute at a high level across the board.

9/9/19:  Yesterday was Nana’s 98th birthday!  Lisa, Q and I took a hike up Blue Hills.  We got a tiny bit off track on the way down, but it was a fun experience.  We’ve done it a few times in the past, but the weather was perfect and it was a great chance to be outside and moving together.  On the way back, we stopped into see Nana at her apartment.  She was of course thrilled to see us and we stayed and talked for a little bit.  She is an amazing lady and probably the best personal example I ever had in my family to emulate.  She’s lived the most simple life imaginable.  Never complaining, patience for days and a quiet approach to show others a simple way to be without being preachy.  She loves food and as a kid I can remember fondly many memories of afternoon lunches and Sunday dinners at their apartment in Georgetowne.  I am thankful to have grown up around her and my Papa, and they always did a lot for me and everyone in the family.  I’m grateful that my own kids got to know her for so long even though neither of them got to meet Papa.

Watched the men’s final at the US Open on tv, after being there the day before.  The match was one of the most epic I have ever seen, with Nadal outlasting Medvedev in 5 sets, all of which were long and competitive.  Grateful to see such awesome athleticism and live in a time when I can watch that in the comfort of my own home.

9/8/19:  Whirlwind day yesterday visiting NYC.  As mentioned, I took Lisa to the US Open Women’s Final.  Serena lost :/ . That said, we had an awesome time and I was super grateful.  I appreciate being in a position to afford things that others cannot and having the support of a wife who encourages me to enjoy life.  We drove down at 6:30am, stopped for breakfast and got to Arthur Ashe at 11am.  We saw the mixed doubles final and were allowed to sit anywhere.  It was cool to see the action from right up front in such a cool venue.  We did a ton of walking, people watching and talking.  After the match we headed back and stopped in New Haven to get pizza.  Quincy asked us to bring him one since he loves NY style pies.  I texted Bonesy to see if we could meet up with him on the drive back.  Unfortunately, he had a gig and we weren’t able to see him but he gave us a reco for ‘Modern A Pizza” which turned out to be absolutely amazing.  It was cool to even connect with him via email and another thing I am grateful for.  During the day, Lisa reminded me how lucky I was to be able to pee standing up.  Apparently the women’s room in the park was pretty rough and so I now have an appreciation for something I never really considered 😉

9/6/19:  Serena Williams won the semi-finals last night, meaning she will be playing in the Final’s tomorrow!  Lisa and I are traveling to NYC in the morning to see the match and I’m super excited.  Again, thankful that I have the financial freedom to cover experiences like this and to be able to do so with my best friend who also happens to be my wife.

Tried a new restaurant/brewery in Taunton last night with Q and Lisa.  It was actually pretty good, which for Taunton is saying something.  Our town is a dearth of quality eating and while this place is no 5-star spot, it’s attractive, new, has good beer and makes a solid pizza.  Sounds small but I’m grateful to have a spot to consider that is local and kid friendly, since Q likes pizza.  It was also nice simply connecting together over food.

9/5/19:  Took a run with Q after work yesterday.  Been talking a lot about him joining the track team.  We communicated with the coach and are submitting all his paperwork, etc.  Thought it would be fun for us to do a mile together.  Was good for me to keep some momentum on simply moving, and also good to connect as father/son.  It was really fun and I’m grateful we did it.  Q struggled a bit more than he expected and got pretty winded after about 2 laps.  He pulled it together and was able to finish.  I’m really proud of him, for putting himself out there more lately and pushing to try new things.  He’s growing up so much and maturing, literally before our eyes.  I’m thankful that my body is still able to keep me going and that I can connect with Quincy on such a direct level.

I also purchased tix yesterday for the upcoming US Open Women’s Final!  It’s been a lifelong bucket list item and I’ve always pushed it off for financial, or other reasons.  I really want to go and see Serena Williams, as I consider her one of, if not the greatest athlete of my lifetime.  Lisa agreed to go with me and we are planning a whirlwind drive to the match and then head right back home.  I’m super thankful that I am able to financially be able to experience events like this and that my wife is supportive and pushes me to not worry much about it.

9/4/19:  Band practice last night.  Was a bit rough as Paul was unable to come due to a shoulder injury.  We pushed through and decided to jam anyways, since we haven’t connected in a couple weeks.  It was cool to try out some of the electric songs on acoustic for the first time, but it was also a struggle to get a sense of things without our drummer.  Grateful everyone is committed to the project enough to make the effort, even without our full compliment.  Less than 3 months until our debut gig and I want to ensure we are as ready as possible.

Bella tried out and got accepted for an acapella group at Assumption.  She asked us during the afternoon about song recommendations and we told her to sing something she loves and everything would take care of itself.  She is such a talented musician that it doesn’t really matter what the material is, so long as she ‘feels’ it.  I’m proud of her for putting herself out there and seeking opportunities to connect with people.  I’m also happy to see she will have a musical outlet in her life, since she hasn’t given that much attention in the last year+.  Thankful for all the blessings Bella brings to our life and for her confidence in herself.

Each morning, I’ve been getting a couple minutes with Q.  This used to be my routine with Bella, but now that he is in HS and she is away at college, I get to connect with him.  He’s doing a good job of getting himself up and dressed and ready each morning.  I’ve had confidence in him to take care of himself for a while.  He just needs to be given the chance to prove himself and he rises to the occasion.  He collected some info about joining the track team, which is also super encouraging.  I’m proud of his approach and seeing him embrace some new processes in his daily routine.

9/3/19:  Long weekend.  Spent the day on Saturday over at Mike/Doreen’s place.  Wabreks, Lanzettas and Jerry also joined.  Had a good day of laughing, eating and conversations.  I overdid it and tried not to get down about it.  I’m grateful to have some friends that I enjoy spending time with and also for amazing weather, which we’ve had seemingly all summer.

Did some major housecleaning also, in particular, we did a deep dive in Bella’s old room.  I took down all the wall decor, which included a ton of concert, drama club and travel stuff.  I think it’s awesome that Bella kept all those memories and I did the same as a kid.  We kept everything very organized for her to rifle through and keep for herself later.  Lisa cleaned underneath the beds and the room is in great shape for the next phase, which is going to involve us moving into it, while Q occupies our downstairs area.  Thankful that we can afford such a nice house and that we take care in keeping the space clean.

Quincy was pretty active over the weekend.  He spent the day with James on Saturday, which is awesome.  I think he’s a great role model for Q and he’s a smart, funny kid.  I let him drive my car to the skating rink 😉 . Jake came over and they played tennis for an hour and then shot some hoops.  I’m grateful to see Quincy take more of an interest in being active.  I think it will help his development, the same way that music activates new areas in your brain and body.  He’s never been into sports but he’s expressing interest in joining the track team at THS.  Thankful to see him opening his eyes to new things and for pushing the boundaries of what he’s comfortable with.

8/30/19:  Got some nice rehearsal time in yesterday by myself.  Trying out some new songs for the set and enjoying the process of trying to learn them, albeit slowly.  Went out to Flatbread Pizza in Providence last night, which Quincy has been asking about for a few weeks.  Was nice to connect over dinner and enjoy some laughs and conversation outside the house.  Received a nice text from Bella telling me she received my letter.  I really enjoyed writing and sending it, and intend to make that a weekly practice.  It’s a nice way for me to do some pen/paper writing that has some purpose behind it, and I’m grateful to have the outlet to connect with her, even long distance.

8/29/18:  Q started THS yesterday.  He missed the bus in the morning, but he was awake and had himself ready to go, which was awesome.  He’s going to do great there and I know most of the school attention has been on Bella lately, but he’s also on a new path to cool things.  I’m proud of both kids and thankful that they are motivated to excel.

I was texting with B last night hearing about all the price gouging the school continues, around books this time.  Besides that, she talked about making a circle of friends already and spending time together.  She also said she spent a couple hours at the school library, which made me smile.  She seems off to a great start and continues to send pics of salad everyday from the cafeteria.  Grateful that she is headed in the right direction so quickly and keeping us in the loop by connecting regularly.

8/28/19:  Work continues to have some positive trajectory lately.  Yesterday I spent a few hours working with new folks and discussing some new projects together.  I always enjoy the parts of the process that involve connecting and sharing ideas.  Grateful to have some of that in my work lately.

I had a conference call with John Valliant, from the GBKF, who granted Rawkstars $15k for organizational development.  It was nice to meet him and we discussed ways of working together moving forward.  He has a lot of experience helping develop non-profits and I’m thankful he is taking some time to work with me.  The money is super helpful but the knowledge and experience could be even more valuable to the organization and to me as a person.

8/27/19:  Raynham fun run last night with Lisa.  It was the last instance of the season, unfortunately.  I’ve improved my attendance and a bit of my pace over the last month.  Thinking about setting up my own weekly run, either at Fields Park or someplace to keep a routine going through fall.  Spent some time chatting with Bill? who runs the event and he was really personable.  Turns out he plays guitar so we talked a lot about music.  Grateful that I am able to run and complete 5k type races with semi-regularity.  My fitness isn’t at it’s highest level but I am still trying and enjoying the process.

8/26/19:  Had a low-key Sunday, mostly at home.  Did the weekly grocery shopping and spent a good amount of time prepping and cooking.  Made homemade applesauce to use up some of the aging fruit and made a big pot of spaghetti sauce, for dinner and use during the week.  Grateful that I’ve learned to be a decent cook and it brings me lots of enjoyment.  It’s a meditative time when you’re chopping and putting together a dish.  I also got some time to practice yesterday and worked on Kings & Queens by Aerosmith and Nothing Else Matters by Metallica.  Hopeful these will be our next couple tunes and will get us near the 12-song / 60 minute set.  Thankful as always for music and being able to finally improve my chops as a bassist, even slowly.

8/25/19:  Spent the afternoon down in Plymouth with Q and Lisa.  We did a ton of walking and just hung out for a couple hours.  In the morning, Lisa asked me to run, which I thankfully did.  We ran the local 5k loop around the post office.  It was hard, as always, but also felt great afterward.  I’m grateful that I am still able to run and have a decent level of fitness, even though I’ve gained some weight and struggled with my eating lately.

Over the weekend, we got word that Wyatt has suffered a pretty serious infection, as a result of a seemingly innocent ankle injury.  He was wearing a boot for a few weeks and because of the pressure and hiding the increased swelling, they didn’t know anything was wrong until it started literally bleeding through.  He went to the hospital and it was determined he had a really bad infection growing through his bone, muscle and even his blood.  He had surgery and is having another one today.  Poor guy has been in the hospital a few days straight and will be there at least another week.  I wish we were there to comfort Mikey and Alyssa as they go through this ordeal as a family.  Wyatt is an easy going kid and they say he has been taking it like a champ.  I’m so incredibly grateful that we never had any serious health issues with either of the kids, save a few broken bones and stitches over the years.  I always tell them how health is the #1 ingredient for a happy existence and that most people don’t think about it until something happens.  We are all rooting hard for Wyatt to make a full recovery and if anyone can show the determination to rehab, it’s him.  Alyssa sets an amazing example of discipline and metal toughness and I’m sure WB will do everything he can, once he is through the woods.  Grateful also for such a loving nephew and for the entire Bento family.

8/24/19:  Moved Bella into Assumption yesterday.  It’s been a hell of a journey over the last 6 months since this whole college thing started.  The discussions, campus visits, guidance counselor sessions, family talks, financial planning, applications, room conversations and all the emotional stress for Bella and us as parents, not to mention Quincy having to listen to it all has been challenging.  Moving day was certainly a big step.  We got her settled in the dorm, unpacked all her stuff and helped decorate the space a bit.  It’s a smallish room and she is going to have to get used to a whole new lifestyle.  Her roommate Zoemi seems really nice and I hope that will make the transition somewhat easier for Bella.  It was rough saying goodbye and thinking about her being alone, at least until she starts to make some friends and gets immersed in the work schedule.  I know those things will happen quickly, but it was still hard.  I’ve been telling people (and myself) how happy we were for her, but that didn’t prevent me from feeling lonely, leaving her behind and even at home last night.  Even now as I type this, Bella’s room is empty and it’s fucking weird!  I am grateful to have such an amazing daughter and family.  Everyone is part of the puzzle when a kid goes off to college and our family handled it as best as could be expected, I think.  We are all rallying around Bella and wishing her nothing but success, which I know is a foregone conclusion.

After getting home, we made tacos.  Quincy helped, which is unusual but was nice.  I taught him how to turn on the stove and sauté onions.  Lisa showed him how to dice a tomato.  We had a nice family dinner and played a couple games afterward.  He’s a good boy and I’m grateful to have a teenage son who wants to hang out with his parents still.

8/23/19:  Visited MHOC for the 3rd round yesterday and met with the special sheriff along with the rest of the staff.  Meredith and I connected beforehand for breakfast and it was great getting to know her more.  She actually brought a hand drum along and did a live demonstration of a simple group drumming exercise.  It was awesome and a powerful way to start the meeting.  I spoke for a few minutes and outlined our strategy and some concepts I wanted to reinforce.  It was really positive and they gave us the go ahead on the budget!  We’ve got to work on a start date, schedule and I’ve got several tasks ahead in preparation, but I am super excited.  I’m so grateful for the opportunity to execute this program and for having connected with Meredith and John to bring this to life.  I’m also grateful for having met the prison staff, who have been nothing short of awesome to engage with so far.  This is a really fabulous opportunity for Rawkstars and personally, it resonates with me deeply.  I want to work on creative, engaging projects, especially ones that help people and include music.  This has all the elements in place for something really special.  I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I also sense it could open a lot of new doors for Rawkstars, with our donors and for our programming.

After the prison meeting, I connected with Bryan Hinkley, who Barry had introduced me to via Facebook.  Bryan runs a studio and music licensing business in Boston.  He also played guitar in a punk/metal band called Tree back in the glory days of the Boston scene.  He recently participated in a music program with DYS kids and had some cool experience to share.  He also has a lot of business experience and I think there are ways we might work together.  The program he helped with is part of a larger program run by Wayne Kramer of MC5.  I’m hopeful Bryan will connect us so we can see if there is some synergy to working together on a similar project.  Super grateful to connect with like-minded, smart, entrepreneurs who have the desire to help others.  Super grateful for everything that happened yesterday.

8/22/19:  Continuing a little streak of positive energy at Hasbro.  I’ve begun spending more time with the folks trying to setup Slingshot, the new agency the marketing CXO is trying to get off the ground.  It’s been nice to connect with new folks, learn about new parts of a business and propose approaches that are well received.  Hopeful to spin that into an upgraded position and realize the goal of expanding our team and adding a person, as I’ve been aiming for these last several months.  Even if it doesn’t come to pass, I’m grateful for expanding my horizons and having a little bit of meaning in my work day lately.

8/21/19:  Band practice last night.  It was actually kinda terrible.  Paul was really late and has been nursing a bad shoulder.  We tried the electric set, and hadn’t played any of those songs together in 6+ weeks.  It showed.  After rehearsal, we sat and talked for a while about our approach and we settled on focusing on the acoustic stuff, at least until we get enough songs for a full set at the 12/1 gig.  I’m actually quite happy about it as I think that is our wheelhouse and sets us apart.  We agreed to try and continue with most of the electric tunes, but try to rework them acoustically.  Our next jam is going to focus on those and I’m gonna work hard to make that rehearsal awesome.  Narrowing our sights will give us a chance to hone in on a sound that we can make our own.  I’m grateful that the band is open to my ideas about the direction we are going and the trust they place in me doesn’t go unappreciated.  It’s a bit odd, given that I am by far the least accomplished player, but I’m going to work to ensure their confidence is rewarded.

8/19/19:  Busy weekend of activities.  Friday I spent time connecting over coffee with Abigail Vail.  I met her at the open mic last week and we exchanged contact info.  She lives down in Plymouth so we met at Kiskadee and just talked.  She was really nice and I enjoyed getting to know her back story and tell mine.  I think that we will work together on a project at some point, either a gig or something else.  I talked with her about becoming a Rawkstars Ambassador, which is a program idea I’m starting to form to bring local musicians into our ranks more formally.  Grateful for the human connection that I’m able to make through music.

Lisa’s band played Saturday and Sunday.  Both were casual, fundraiser type events.  The first was at American Legion in Raynham, and had very few attendees.  They had a fill in bass player who was good, but it was weird seeing them perform without Dave.  Lisa always blows away the audience and she has come such a long way as a singer.  She was always a good musician but the last few years her command of the songs has really blossomed.  I love watching the accolades she gets from the crowd after her performance.  I feel grateful to be married to such a talented woman!

The second event was a fundraiser organized by Perry Paolucci.  He does a lot of charity/music events and we’ve become friendly over the last year or so.  He offered to donate some of the proceeds to Rawkstars, which made it even more special.  Moonstruck played as did a few other bands.  I enjoyed the opener, a 3 piece who played Zeppelin tunes, with a chick singer/bass player.  An ACDC tribute closed the show and they were really fun.  Lots of cool people at the gig that I got to catch up with.  Rawkstars will receive a donation from the event and I am eternally grateful about how much our mission resonates with people.  Getting to see great music, spend time with friends and raise money at the same time is something I’ll never take for granted.

8/15/19:  Continued the trend of productive work meetings yesterday.  Charging forward on the scrum implementation with the new agency team.  Feels good to be busier and the prospect of working with a new team that is forming excites me.

Had lunch with Ecem and she told me all about an amazing trip she just returned from.  Visited England, Turkey, Thailand and Greece, over 3 weeks.  I’m thankful that I’ve been able to travel fairly extensively, even though it’s not as much as I wish.  Lisa and I have a visit to Savannah coming up next month and I’m grateful to continue to be able to see new cities together.

Jaime, from my team at work, came to me very candidly with some concerns about our team’s process.  I was really grateful to have her come to me and have such a direct conversation.  It’s difficult to satisfy all the needs within a group like that and I appreciated her openness and for the chance to make things better for her and the group.

8/14/19:  Had some productive meetings yesterday, both for Rawkstars and Hasbro.  On the RS side, I connected with OMG (Jamie and Jesse) and we walked through their statement of work for the student blog / membership portal.  It sounds really good and I think I am ready to sign a contract to engage with them officially.  I’ll also be leveraging them for social media and strategy work in getting lots of components setup to eventually self-manage.  Overall it’s going to be an investment of about $15,000 for the application build plus about 6 months of consulting.  It’s a big number but I feel confident in their ability to create what we need and to work together with them to build momentum around Rawkstars 2.0.  Nervous but excited.  Beyond thankful to have connected with folks that I feel can help me make this leap thoughtfully and responsibly.

Sat in with a group at the new marketing agency being setup at Hasbro to discuss process.  I’ve been pitching in and around the idea of combining a demand module, with an execution module and surrounding it all with scrum.  I finally feel like the right folks are in place and I am in a position to gain their signoff.  I’ll be working the next week or two on an official proof of concept and short deck to describe the approach.  Ideally, they will embrace the idea and I’ll be given an opportunity to make it fly as they launch this new department.  I’d like it to come along with a promotion and a new hire that I can work with to bring it to life.  I feel confident about getting the signoff and unsure about the other parts.  Regardless of outcome, I am grateful that smart people in the organization are at least listening to me and that I have a forum to put forth my opinions.  I know if accepted, the challenge will be difficult but my gut tells me it’s the right move and certainly better than treading water, which isn’t fulfilling me in any way.

8/13/19:  Quincy has been spending a lot of energy trying to rescue the kitty at the end of our street.  There were two initially, and he captured the first one with relative ease.  #2 is much more shy and we haven’t been able to catch him yet.  He is going out all day long checking the traps, texting with Tabitha about next steps and generally super empathetic towards the plight of the cat.  It’s really sweet to see and I’m not surprised.  Grateful to have a son who has such a big, loving heart.

8/12/19:  Took Bella and Q down to Plymouth today.  Lisa went to represent at the Mojo gig down at the Pines.  I wasn’t really feeling social after several days of big crowds and needed some time to be quiet.  It was gorgeous out and we got coffee smoothies and walked around the waterfront.  It was really nice to spend time with them and talk.  We all had dinner together for the first time in a while and after we ate, we had Bella tell Q that he could take over her room after she left for college.  He was super happy and told her he loved her 😉 It was really sweet and a great way to kick off the next phase of life for all of us.  Bella is gracious and understands why it’s important to him, even though it will be a downgrade for her.  Quincy was very happy, which was awesome for all of us.  Grateful to have this time with the kids and see them maturing so much together.

Quincy and Lisa also rescued a kitten from the end of our street.  We noticed two of them appear a couple nights ago and they were clearly abandoned.  Quincy managed to collect one of them, and we took him to our friend Tabitha, who boards them at her house.  The second one has proven elusive.  He and Lisa have been trying to catch him the last couple nights and leaving food and a cage outside, to no avail.  I’m thankful Quincy has such empathy for the kittens and really has a big heart and wants desperately to save the other one.

8/11/19:  Spent yesterday at the Wabrek’s lake house.  Q came along and James was there as well.  Really enjoyed the downtime and we simply relaxed and talked.  We took a couple boat rides and Q and James jumped in the water a couple times.  I love seeing Quincy hang with James, as he is an awesome kid and a good influence, especially as Quincy has begun maturing more.  We had some laughs and talked about music of course.  I abstained from beer, which was also a small victory as I’ve been trying to keep my body more clean the last few weeks.  I rode my bike over, which I am also grateful for.  It wasn’t a super strenuous ride, but spawned a good idea for telling stories of Rawkstars supporters through a monthly email.  I’m thankful when being present leads to clear thinking and for being able to move my body, even in small amounts, to keep it going.

8/9/19:  Where to even start?!  Last night was the Rawkstars Open Mic event at Rick’s Music.  A pretty large crowd turned out.  We showcased 3 of our students, DiMario, Anthony and Kyle.  In addition, some of our friends came down to perform including Mike/Alex Fradkin, Dave/Noah Liolios and Kelly/Sammi Pedersen.  A few friends also came down to support us and see the show.

I spent the first half of the day with Kyle and his dad, as part of a video project I’m working on for Rawkstars 2.0.  It was great getting to know them more and listening to Kyle tell his own story.  I hired a fabulous director named Jonas who brought along some super nice crew guys.  We all connected very strongly and developed a quick bond.  Later, we traveled back to our house and filmed myself, Lisa and Jack talking about Rawkstars in various ways.  I’m super excited to see the results of the videos and it’s a big investment in taking the charity to a new place.  I was really grateful to have connected with Jonas, Damien and Doa.  They were all really smart, insightful guys who I definitely want to work with more.

Back to the gig.  The kids were all absolutely amazing and I felt blessed to be in such great company.  Some old timers performed at the open mic and I was equally moved by some of them.  Music is such a great unifier of people and the love and energy in the room was tangible.  Bella and Q also came down to support and Q helped film the event for me.  I’m truly thankful that they get to experience these kinds of events and feel what it’s all about.  It means the world to me.

After the 3 Rawk kids played, Heavy Mellow debuted 3 songs.  We were really well rehearsed and even though it was our first public performance, I felt we were very strong.  We got a ton of compliments and really brought the energy in the room to a super high level.  There is nothing like performing live music to make you feel alive.  I’m eternally grateful that I finally got over the hump of not playing an instrument, after so many years in the music biz.  It’s become one of the true joys of my life and I am continually blessed to be surrounded by immense talent and people that share the same feeling.

At the event, I was able to gift a beautiful black Epiphone SG to Wayne’s son Homer, who also performed.  The guitar came to me interestingly.  An old friend John Robinson, found it at his local dump.  He gave it to his neighbor, another old friend Dave Yuknat.  Dave and I happened to have a lunch scheduled for that same week.  He cleaned and setup the guitar and brought it to me over lunch.  I’m so grateful to not only change Homer’s life by giving him the instrument, but it will also change John and Dave, as they made it happen and I know that will stay with them forever.

8/8/19:  Reminded about the simple pleasure of food.  Lisa cooked a nice dinner including an asian slaw salad with some pork.  It was really tasty and felt good to eat.  I’ve been doing better with my food intake and exercise the last couple weeks.  Been trying to turn things around after a rough summer stretch and focusing on the preparation of clean, whole, quality foods always helps.  Also got a bit of time with the kiddos last night.  Bella is counting down the days (15) until she moves into the dorm.  Been trying to get small windows of time when we can be together and it’s been really nice.  Grateful that she still enjoys spending time with us and that we have so much to look forward to watching her blossom.

8/7/19:  Rehearsed at Rick’s Music last night with Heavy Mellow.  We decided to try and practice there since we have the open mic jam on Thursday.  It’s a fairly unique setup, as all the instruments plug directly into the PA, so no stage monitors or amps.  They also employ an electronic drum kit.  It was fun and we got to rehearse in front of a small crowd of random parents and some of the instructors, who trickled out to see what was up in between lessons.  The band sounded good and I had a good time.  Grateful as always, to play with these guys and all the great musicians I’ve been fortunate to connect with these last couple years since I picked up the bass.  I feel a tinge of embarrassment sometimes at the excellent level of players I’ve been able to jam with, despite my own limited skill set.  It’s momentary and I know that my background and relationships enable that, same as anyone else in their given field of expertise.

8/6/19:  Raynham fun run last night with Lisa.  Over the last 2 weeks I’ve made a bit of progress on my exercise and eating trajectory.  I made a pledge to Q that I was going to try and get my weight down to 229 by my birthday.  It’s always a slow turnaround but I am doing better, and that’s where I’m focusing.  The run was slow, as has been my pattern this year, but it felt solid.  My wind was decent and I was fairly comfortable.  I was proud of myself for getting out there and continuing to build slow momentum.  I complain a lot about my body and feel my age often.  That said, I am grateful for my body in that it has held up without major issues as I approach 50, despite the burden and poor attention I’ve paid to it for 3/4 of my life.  Also thankful for the time with Lisa and being active together as a couple.  It helps our relationship.

8/5/19:  Weekend was a good mix of eventful, productive and relaxing.  I finally got around to dealing with the felled tree in the backyard.  I bought a chainsaw, and worked for a couple hours.  I had to break apart the metal gazeebo, untangle endless ropes of vines and then cut the trunk.  I got a bunch done, then finished the cleanup the following day.  It was satisfying to complete the job without any help and I’m grateful that I was able to physically perform the hard work needed to clear it out.

Lisa and I went to see Rebirth Brass Band on Saturday night down in Providence.  We met Jack and his wife Elaine for dinner, at The Grange.  We had a nice meal and the show was fun.  Stark contrast to the Maiden show 2 nights earlier, as the band couldn’t have been more stripped down and low-tech.  Regardless, they were great and I really like the small room at Fete.  Crowd was sparse but energetic and we ran into Don Sanders, an old friend of mine from Hasbro.

Yesterday I took Q to see the newest Spiderman movie.  The day was pretty low key and the girls were both at work.  We bonded and had a good time.  I’m glad he is getting into some of these hero movies recently as it gives us something else to connect over.  Thankful he enjoys spending time with me and that we have each other as best friends.

8/2/19:  Went to the mighty Iron Maiden last night.  It was part of the Rawkstars raffle prize from earlier this month, so I took Darren Lourie and his girlfriend for the backstage extravaganza.  During the afternoon, Lisa got a free lawn ticket from her old drummer Jerry, so I bought another for Quincy.  We went as a family a few years back and it was really fun, both kids loved it.  After we got to the show, we split up.  I took Bella, who Lisa had graciously given her VIP spot to, and Lisa and Q stayed with some of our friends to tailgate.  The tour portion was really cool and we got working passes from the band this time.  Peter was a great host and gave everyone shirts and books, along with the backstage tour.  While eating in catering, Steve Harris and Bruce Dickinson both came through.  I told Bella to say hi to Bruce, and after some coaxing she did.  It was a cool moment and I know she’ll remember that for many, many years.  We did our usual walk around to kill time prior to the band starting and I saw a bunch of friends.  Once the show was about to start, I decided to head backstage one last time to hit the bathroom and grab a water.  I ran into Dennis, who was actually using the bathroom I was waiting for.  He wound up giving me a ticket for a seat in the lower section, even though I was planning to stand with Bella in the pit.  After a few songs, I realized I could take one of our passes and escort others into the pit and I also had the extra ticket.  So I walked to the far back and found Quincy.  I met him on the lawn, gave him one of the passes and walked him straight to the front row, where Bella and our other group was.  Then I headed back again and found Louie and Liam.  I brought them down also, gave Lou the ticket and took Liam to the front row with the other kids.  It was super cool seeing them wide-eyed standing right in front of Iron Maiden.  They absolutely loved being there, as did I.  We all enjoyed the show tremendously and it brought me great joy to be able to share such an experience with friends and especially the kids.  I am truly grateful for the little perks I’m able to sometimes generate around the band scene.  Not only does it bring me great excitement and joy personally, but sharing it with others is among the most fulfilling activities in my life.

8/1/19:  Bella had some friends over last night.  They spent the day at Courtney’s pool and then came over to the house.  There were 5 of them plus Cam.  Quincy was home and joined their posse.  The boys shot some hoops for a while, which he has been getting more interested in lately.  They then came in and played some Wii, which Cam left at our place a couple weeks back.  Bella asked me to light a fire so I got the yard setup, built a fire, plugged in the lights and lit the citronella candles.  I sat outside myself and started a new book that just arrived, The War of Art.  I made myself dinner then ate out back.  Afterward I went in the house and let them take over the patio.  They all went outside and hung for a few hours, then drove to Taco Bell for late night food.  It’s really cool to see them all interact and just be friends.  It’s simple and they all seem like easy going kids.  Quincy really digs hanging with the older kids and it’s an excellent example for him to see their easy-going relationships.  So grateful that the kids have gotten closer these last few years and that Q is maturing along with them.

7/31/19:  Visited the PACT unit at Middlesex House of Corrections again yesterday.  Brought John Baptista and Meredith Pizzi.  John is on board to run the band program while Meredith will be overseeing the therapy facets.  It was another inspiring visit and productive.  We did a shorter version of the unit tour, since I wanted John and Meredith to get some feel for the space and the inmates.  Afterward, we retreated to a room where we reviewed the proposal with the prison staff.  It was well received and we had a great talk about the various aspects and feedback on specific areas we wanted to flesh out.  I think both John and Meredith were really inspired by the meeting and my hope is we are closer to getting approval and funding for the pilot.  While we were on site, 4 of the inmates had prepared music they wanted to share with us.  I had no idea what that meant, but we brought them into the space where they queued up some tracks on a computer.  One guy proceeded to rap a few verses he had written over a beat, downloaded from youtube.  He sounded pretty good and did the performance with his eyes closed.  He said he previously had done some music, and planned to focus in on it once released.  The second group, consisted of 3 guys, two of which I remembered from our first visit, Vernon and Derek.  They turned on another youtube track and Vernon began to sing a melody over top by himself.  He sounded pretty good and had charisma and confidence.  The other 2 guys then rhymed through their own verses, which contained lyrics about being in prison.  The song was pretty well put together, with a proper chorus and the aforementioned melody parts.  The lyrics were really moving and personal.  I was kinda blown away by how awesome they were and wished others could have seen and heard these guys.  It was very powerful and my gratitude was off the charts for them having shared that with us.  Really hoping we get a crack at putting this program in place.  It resonates with me very much and I’m proud of the work we are doing in furtherance of getting it approved.  Also super grateful for John’s input and for meeting Meredith.  She is super smart and polished and brings a very strong clinical background to the table.  I felt her approach really complimented mine and I feel like I can learn a lot from her on many levels.

7/30/19:  Got to the gym last night and ran on the treadmill with Lisa.  We were going to run the Raynham 5k, but it was super muggy and hot and we changed gears last minute.  Still, I was glad to get a run in and it felt pretty good.  My pace is way down but that’s not something I generally focus on.  My gait was solid and I felt relatively strong throughout.  Some people, including Lisa, hate the treadmill, but I kinda like it.  It keeps me steady and I run smoother without having to look at the ground or worry about curbs, rocks, etc.  I also get motivated by being in the gym area, which I don’t get a ton of.  Grateful that I can still bang out 5k, even when my weight and relative shape are not in the best place.  Also grateful that Lisa helps motivate me into action when I need it.

7/29/19:  Spent a few hours doing the Cliff Walk down in Newport with Quincy.  It’s a gorgeous walk that runs along the ocean and adjacent to several mansions.  It was pretty hot and he was complaining more as we started back towards the car.  It didn’t spoil the time and he calmed down quickly once we got out of the heat.  I should have done a better job of bringing along water so he had some relief.  We grabbed drinks at a coffee spot before driving back home, which was nice.  I also brought him along grocery shopping, which he did without issue.  It was great to spend time together just doing simple things.  After getting home, I prepared a seafood paella type dinner, which came out ok.  Not my best effort but I winged it as opposed to closely following a recipe.  Trying to do that a bit more lately.  Grateful for the time with Quincy and for the simple pleasures of hanging around on a Sunday afternoon.

7/28/19:  Light weekend.  Stayed around the house the last couple days and grateful for the simple days of not much to do.  We saw the Bento’s one last time on Friday before they headed back to Denver.  We ate at a Brazilian steakhouse down in Plymouth and had some laughs.  Wyatt slept over and we drove him back to Stoughton to say goodbye.  We missed Mikey, but saw Alyssa and Abi for a little while.  Grateful for having them in our lives and part of our family.  Q and WB have a good bond and it’s sweet to see them together.  I know Quincy will miss him and really enjoys spending time together.  At the dinner, Quincy made a nice toast to the family and included Sammy, their dog who had to be put down a couple weeks back.  Grateful to have a loving son who is thoughtful.

7/26/19:  Connected with music a lot yesterday.  Been listening to the acoustic AIC set from the early MTV Unplugged session.  Watching Layne is kinda mesmerizing.  He was so vulnerable, despite being an amazing singer and musician.  I’ve seen it a lot but knowing his backstory and seeing his body language during that show really hit me.  I’m hoping HM can pickup one of these songs, either Would or Rooster most likely, for our set.  As usually happens, it sent me down a rabbit hole and I started hitting up a bunch of Seattle rock from that era.  I also took out my bass for a bit and practiced.  So grateful for music and to live in an era where technology allows me to pull up anything and everything I want to listen to or watch, which is often better than simply listening.

7/25/19:  Got myself to the gym for the second time this week.  Doing well with my eating and mindfulness this week.  Thankful to be able to reset myself when I put my mind to it.  Kids spent the day at Canobie Lake Park.  Bella went with her friends for a summer getaway and offered to take Q and 2 of his buddies along in her car.  They were gone the entire day and came home close to 11pm.  It’s been such a great experience seeing them bond so much over the last several months.  As they’ve gotten older, they are much more willing and interested in being together and connecting.  Cam has had a great influence on Q and has helped make the dynamic better.  Super grateful that our kids are becoming closer and enjoying each other more as they mature.

7/24/19:  HM band rehearsal last night.  We are focusing on just our acoustic tunes as we are going to perform at the Rick’s/Rawkstars open mic thing in 2 weeks.  We are going to debut 3 songs, and I cannot wait to play in front of people with the energy that only comes from performing music.  It was nice to strip down the jam and spend time on fewer songs, with more attention to detail.  I also continue to gravitate to the acoustic tracks more than the electric stuff.  Over the next few weeks, I plan to gauge the interest of the band on moving us more in that direction.  I think it showcases us in a more unique light.  Bands who play our kind of songs are usually electric while bands that play acoustically, usually don’t play our kind of songs.  I like the idea of occupying a different musical space and giving us a slant that others don’t have.  Musically, it’s also kind of cool to play at a lower volume with higher attention to the mix and nuance of the sound.  Super grateful to have this outlet in my life and to be playing with such awesome musicians.

7/23/19:  Bella’s 18th bday yesterday.  We celebrated the prior weekend, but something about the actual date made a slight difference in how I felt.  I posted my favorite Khalil Gilbran poem about children.  I read that occasionally when I’m being controlling with the kids.  It’s a most excellent reminder to not try and make them like me.  Lots of people posted nice comments about Bella and she deserves all the love and affection that comes her way from our friend group.

I also had a solid day of eating and went to the gym for the first time in months.  I made a pact with Q over the weekend that I was aiming to get my weight in hand.  My goal is to get down to 229, which is a symbolic number, by my birthday.  Essentially it’s about 16lbs. in 2 months.  After work, I came home, changed and went to WOW.  They had all new cardio machines, which was awesome.  It’s always been a great environment for me, as being around so many fit people is motivational.  I did an uphill walk on the treadmill, while listening to Tara Brach.  I’m super grateful for the motivation, and even for Tara’s words.  We are lucky to live in an era when such wisdom is so widely available to anyone looking for it.  After getting home, I ate the beautiful fish I bought and prepared on Sunday.

A tree broke and fell in our yard last night.  It narrowly missed the house.  It smashed the gazebo around the hot tub, but that was super old anyhow.  There will be lots to cleanup this weekend for sure, but I am thankful our house was spared any damage.

7/22/19:  Spent the day food shopping and cooking.  It’s been super duper hot and I decided to lay low and be inside.  Lisa had to work so I wanted to get focused on preparing healthy food.  I’ve been in such a funk lately with taking care of my body and one aspect I’ve neglected is making time and having energy for food care.  I shopped and then came home and got things ready for the next 3 dinners.  I went outside briefly to shoot baskets with Q.  I told him I was going to pledge to get down to 229 by my birthday, which is about 2 months away.  Grateful to have made time for myself and to make better choices for my family.

7/21/19:  22nd wedding anniversary yesterday.  It was super hot and we spent the afternoon at the Bento’s pool yard.  Always a good time, we enjoyed a couple beers, grilled some chicken and stayed cool.  Tia Donna was there and it was nice to chat with her for a while.  After resting up at home for a bit, I took Lisa out to dinner down in Providence.  We found a new Greek spot called Kleo’s, which was amazing.  We parked and walked, as we usually do, to catch some night air.  We stopped at The Dorrance, an old Providence hotel and had a drink at the lobby bar, then walked downtown to the restaurant.  Food was absolutely terrific and we feasted on a vegetarian moussaka, the best/simplest greek salad ever and a dish that came with several spreads and warm pita.  Spicy feta, avocado, sweet potato, hummus and an anchovy paste; each of which were equally amazing.  So very grateful for my years with Lisa.  She enjoys food as much as I do and after all these years we still love spending time together just hanging out.

7/20/19:  Quincy had a sleepover last night.  He had Jake, Isaiah, Owen and a new kid come over for a couple hours.  They played basketball, which was awesome to see.  He’s not much of a sports kid, but some of those guys are.  Plus, he and I have been shooting around more often lately.  We also played the night before when Wyatt was here.  We had a game of 2:1 and had several laughs as they beat me of course.  Anyhow, the kids all played outside until dark.  Lisa and I hung out with Bella, which was also very cool.  She has been looking for opportunities to spend time with us lately, as she knows the college thing is quickly approaching.  It’s really sweet and we are both very thankful that she still wants to spend time together.

7/19/19:  Wyatt spent the night with us yesterday.  We watched Hot Ones, this youtube show where the guests eat super hot chicken wings in succession.  It’s kinda funny and Q has shown it to me a couple times.  We decided to take the kids out to Boneheads, the wing place down in Fall River.  We ordered the hottest sauce on the menu, Hells Bells.  We each agreed to eat one wing, which we proceeded to do once they arrive.  Insanely hot!  At first it didn’t seem too bad, but once I ate it, about 30 seconds later it just kept getting hotter and hotter.  All of us were on fire and Wyatt was yelling for chocolate milk.  It was pretty funny and a cool activity to do as a family.  Since we only ate one each, we had a few extras.  I told Q to bring them to the table next to us where two tattooed big guys were eating.  We convinced them to each also try one and they proceeded to scream and guzzle water for the next 10 minutes while we all enjoyed a laugh.  They were good sports about it and it was a fun night together.  Grateful for some time with WB and for his influence on Quincy, Lisa and I.

7/18/19:  Family dinner last night.  Got home from work and the kids were home, with Cam, and binge watching Stranger Things 3.  Since we had watched the first couple, I didn’t want to see the end, so I went downstairs.  After the show, they came down and we all talked for a little while.  It was sweet and so nice to see them all connecting and happy.  We talked about going out to eat, but eventually settled on cooking some leftovers we still have from the party.  Afterward, we all went to Peaceful Meadows for ice cream.  Simple, but nice to all be together.  Grateful.

I paid the first invoice for Assumption, semester 1.  It was the largest single bill I ever paid, at $17,297.  I’ve struggled a ton with the college thing, especially on the financial side.  That aside, I am grateful to be in a position to help Bella achieve her dreams.  She is super excited about the school and I am happy to see her that way.  My goal is to cover 4/8 tuition bills for her, so getting the first one out of the way was a big deal.  I nearly have enough saved for #2 already, and our plan to sell the PV condo should cover #3+.  Bella has also saved $8k+ already and we’ll put that towards the pile.  Grateful to be in position to support my family financially and that my daughter has such a great work ethic and has learned how to set goals and save her own money already.

7/17/19:  Took the day off and rode the bike path down to Bristol again.  Coaxed Lisa into joining this time.  Was fun and an enjoyable way to spend the afternoon.  We had lunch down on the waterfront and drank a beer before heading back.  Nice, simple way to spend a summer afternoon together enjoying life.  Grateful for the partnership we have and for having a job that allows me a good amount of balance time.

Both of us had ‘words’ with Q last night, mostly around him taking better care of himself and being more self-sufficient.  It degenerated a bit, as happens sometimes.  Afterward, Lisa went to band practice and I sat outside with him to talk.  I’m grateful to be able to connect with my son, even on difficult conversations.  I always learn a bit about him and myself in the process and hope we are on a trajectory to better understand and communicate with each other.  He’s a great kid and I am thankful for any time we are connecting.

7/15/19:  HM rehearsal yesterday.  Was tough getting going the morning after the party.  I got up early and started cleaning.  Lisa had done a bunch the night before, while I was passed out, so there was a big head start.  Anyways, after the cleanup, the band showed up in the afternoon.  Jam was disjointed this week, but we tried out ‘Sober’ on a whim at the end and it sounded great!  We are going to narrow our focus the next couple weeks and just clean up the acoustic songs, since we will be performing those at the open mic night in a couple weeks.  I really like how the band is coming together.  It suits my personality in that we are able to capture a great performance, but everyone is really casual with our approach.  Looking forward to seeing what the live energy does and how that shapes us.  Grateful to be playing in a situation that suits me with such cool laid back people.

7/14/19:  Saturday was Bella’s graduation/18th b-day party.  Amazing weather and the party was epic.  It started slow, but people started showing up around 3 and it grew from there.  We had an awesome mix of Lisa’s family, my side, old friends and our neighborhood peeps.  The food was exceptional and we had some Portuguese dishes we bought plus a ton of homemade items.  Some of the Aunts and Uncles showed up from Lisa’s side and we saw some cousins we don’t see often, like Kerry Anne, Nicole and John Sousa.  I did a shot of tequila with Randy!  Yes, Randy.  I also did one with Bella!  Yes Bella.  Quincy abstained even though Mikey had a drink with Wyatt at the end of the night.  Q is his own man and doesn’t give into peer pressure, which is an awesome trait.  I played the video montage for everyone and Q played his Office parody.  Later in the night, he, Cam and Lisa played the ‘Friends” theme too.  All of it was well received.  Love was in the air and it was great to see everyone really mixing socially.  So proud of Bella, she deserved a great party and it really came together.  I’m super grateful for our friends and family.  That’s probably the most special thing that we have created together and it showed itself once again on Saturday.

7/12/19:  Had a short work day yesterday.  Not uncommon lately and I am grateful that my schedule is fairly well balanced most weeks.  Started getting some things in place for Bella’s big party this weekend including yard cleanup, lawn cut, and a little picture project to display prints of Bella.  I really want her to feel special and loved.  Lisa, Q and I went to Subway last night while she was working to grab dinner.  Little things like that I am thankful for and I know the kids appreciate, even without even noticing or saying so.

7/11/19:  Was very productive yesterday in/around Rawkstars work.  I had a tech call with a developer who helped steer me towards a possible architecture/solution for the system I am trying to build.  I also made progress on completing my portion of a grant we are submitting to MDU foundation.  Contacted the folks at PACT to aim to setup our next visit.  Spoke with John Baptista about the budget portion.  Scheduled a meeting with the Roman Music Therapy folks to see if they will join the team and iron out the budget impact on their side as well.  Wrapped up the Iron Maiden campaign with our 30 pledgers, with the winner being Darren Lourie.  Made small updates to the pilot document outlining the program we want to launch with PACT.  Finished itinerary for video shoot with EmVision.

I sometimes complain about the stagnation of my day job, but it does leave me enough time to make progress in many other areas, if I only take advantage of it.  Super thankful to have capacity to work on Rawkstars projects and for having made good progress yesterday.

7/10/19:  Kings X last night with Lisa.  They are one of our faves and we have seen them several times over the years.  Always a great time, we enjoyed ourselves and got a chance to get out on a Tuesday night.  The crowd was a bit subdued for my liking (and the band’s I think) but still a fun night.  Ran into a couple friends as always, including Joe Patten.  An old sound guy friend of mine, he offered me some time at his studio to do some recording.  Gonna keep that in my back pocket for Heavy Mellow next year.  Love the idea of doing a ‘live’ acoustic recording in the studio.  Grateful to have such awesome friends and resources, especially around music.

During the morning/afternoon, I finally kicked off a raffle for a Rawkstars prize to see Iron Maiden.  My friend Peter, who is the stage manager at Great Woods, offered the experience a few years ago and we successfully raised about $1200.  This time, I took the opportunity to launch the concept of a “Founding Member” campaign, to help us begin to talk about our transition to a membership based organization later this year.  With all the meetings and work I’ve done around that, I haven’t communicated about it much publicly, and it was a cathartic experience to do so.  I framed up the contest that we would be taking pledges, instead of donations, for folks willing to commit to the Founding Member campaign when it’s ready later this year.  I limited the contest to 30 people, thinking that would get us 10% of the way to our minimum viable audience of 300, which is my goal by the end of 2020.  Kinda surprisingly, I had 30 pledgers within a couple hours, from a single post.  It really bolstered my energy for the idea and I am so grateful to have had that type of response.  I got the initial idea from meeting with Jamie at OMG last week and it is giving me confidence about working more with her also.  So thankful to be entrusted with these gifts from our supporters, my network of contacts and Peter, who offered the experience to begin with.  Blessed indeed.

7/9/19:  After 4 days of meds, my rash is nearly 100% cleared up!  Kinda shocking to have experienced how quickly the symptoms kicked in and nearly as equally how they subsided once I started the treatment cycle.  The human body is by far the most astounding thing ever and its ability to heal is vastly undervalued.  I am insanely grateful for the availability of medicine and for my own body’s ability to be resilient.

Lisa and I ran the Monday Fun Run down in Raynham last night.  I really needed to get some exercise and I was thrilled that she brought up the idea of running together.  My time wasn’t great but I showed up and finished, and it felt great.  Thankful again that my body is able to perform this task and that I have a wife who is able to motivate me to do better.

7/8/19:  Long holiday weekend to celebrate the 4th.  I had essentially 5 days out of the office and it was pretty eventful.

Starting on Thursday (4th of July) I developed a horrific rash.  I noticed small red bumps on my chest and stomach when we were at the Bento’s pool yard to spend the afternoon.  Not alarming at first, but as the day wore on they got worse.  By the time we got home around 8pm, I was itchy as hell and the redness had spread to 80% of my torso.  It was pretty awful and I spent that entire night in utter discomfort.  I didn’t sleep a wink and it was like having a raging sunburn with poison ivy on top.  By morning I was at wits end and headed straight to the urgent care.  The nurse I saw attributed it to a spider bite, which made sense to me.  A week or so prior, I had a bite on the back of my leg I couldn’t explain.  She said she had seen others with similar condition and delayed reaction.  I was prescribed Prednisone and Zyrtec.  I drove to the pharmacy and swallowed 12 prednisone in the car.  Over the next couple days the rash and itch slowly improved.  I spent most of those two days poolside, sitting shirtless in the shade and jumping in the water to cool my skin every 20 minutes or so.  Today is day 5 of the meds and my skin has mostly returned to normal.  The rash spread to my legs and feet but my torso has nearly cleared and I slept almost normally last night for the first time in days.  Overall, I’m grateful that I live someplace with such access to modern medicine and health care.  I was able to find a clinic online that first night, drive there at 7:30am and be seen within 30 minutes by a qualified nurse.  About 20 minutes after leaving, I had the prescription in my hands that turned things around for me pretty quickly.  It’s pretty amazing actually and I am thankful to live someplace with such amazing medical services.

Over the ensuing days, I was really able to relax.  I missed a big family party at Dorothy’s house, because I wasn’t really up for spending the day socializing while I was so very uncomfortable.  Instead I went to the Bento’s poolyard by myself and did the no shirt/shade/pool routine for the afternoon, which helped me immensely.  The next day I did the same, and brought Quincy along with a new friend he has named Isaiah.  He seems like a nice kid and we enjoyed a low key day and brought home Town Spa pizza.  Grateful for the time with Quincy, and with Lisa the day before.  Also for my in-laws, who are always eager to share their pool and food with us anytime we want.

On Friday night, we visited with Chris Rollo, who was in town with his dad, staying at his brother’s place.  I haven’t seen him in about 7 years.  Last time was when I visited Florida the last time I saw my old man.  Chris was always one of my best friends during the teenage years and he and Lisa dated throughout High School.  We hung out at his brother’s place for a couple hours and Wabrek joined us as well.  It was kinda a reunion of the band we had as kids, Blizzard, although Louie, our drummer couldn’t make the hangout.  It was nice to catch up with Chris.  He hasn’t changed much and was his same gregarious self.  He was always an excellent guitar player and I wish we had a chance to hear him play music while we hung out.  I didn’t feel myself due to the rash situation, so we didn’t stay super late.  Still I was grateful to reconnect with old friends and enjoy a distraction from the discomfort of my weekend.

Yesterday, Sunday, I connected with Peter Homan down at Long Lake, where he is renting a cabin.  Low key, but we talked lakeside for a couple hours and drank a few beers.  We talked about kids, work and regular stuff and just enjoyed a couple hours outdoors.  I left early enough to take a drive to Plymouth with both kids, which is increasingly rare.  Unfortunately, Lisa had to work and couldn’t join.  We got smoothies by the water and walked out along the jetty in the marina.  It was a gorgeous day and we didn’t stay long, as the kids get antsy and wanted to get home.  We finished up the weekend watching a couple episodes of the new Stranger Things season together, joined by Cam.  Truly grateful for low key family times like that where we simply ‘are’.

7/3/19:  Meeting with a new contact, Jamie, from OMG marketing.  She is super smart and I really enjoyed my conversation with her.  Ostensibly, I’d like to work with her on the Rawkstars 2.0 project.  She has great ideas and I trust her experience and casual but professional vibe.  We met for coffee at this great place called Nitro Cart in Newport, which rocked.  She sent over a quote for their services and I am going to have to think hard about next steps.  It would be a tremendous investment for us and I need to make 1000% certain it’s what I want to do.  Either way, I am grateful for having crossed paths with Jamie and to be able to even consider the next steps.

Lisa took GiGi to the hospital yesterday to get her most recent tumor looked at.  It wound up being a long day with more follow ups than planned.  I’m not sure what direction all this is going.  I know my Nana has cancer and I don’t think she wants treatment.  She’s lived a long life of quiet dignity and I hope she is able to go out on her own terms.  It’s a tough position for my mom, who is super close with her.  I’m sure she wants to lengthen her life, but not sure that is the right thing in this specific case.  I am quite grateful to have taken away many life lessons from Nana and even in this final phase, I’m still learning from her.  I’m also grateful to have a compassionate, helpful wife, who can step in to assist with caring for the family in these ways.

7/5/19:  4th of July yesterday and spent the afternoon at the Bento pool with the kids.  Cam joined as he and Bella are hanging out again.  Beautiful day and it felt good to be outdoors and see the in-laws.  They are great people and I’m thankful to have such a terrific extended family.

Developed a horrific rash of hives towards the end of the day and spent the worst night scratching, not sleeping and in complete agitation.  My entire torso is a hideous red blotch and I can’t stop scratching.  I went to urgent care super early today and got a prescription for Prednisone.  I literally took 12 of them in the CVS parking lot before even driving home.  The nurse said I probably had a spider bite that was infected, since she has seen a few others like this recently.  I did have a bite on my thigh about 10 days back and didn’t think anything of it, other than it being itchy for a few days.  We live next to the woods and there are often spiders in the house. I am truly grateful for my health.  I don’t take it for granted and there is nothing worse than suffering at the hands of sickness.  I’m also grateful to live in a society where help is available almost instantly and relatively cheap.  I was able to get right into the urgent care facility and pickup the meds within an hour or so of leaving the house.  I only hope the effects set in as quickly and that I start to improve.

7/2/19:  Connected with Joe Merrick.  I had a thought about using the booking I have at Spire Center to have Joe headline an event, and let Heavy Mellow open.  That will give us a great gig to simply perform at, without me having to take on the burden personally of filling the room.  Joe can make most of the proceeds from the night, have a release event for his new record and HM can play a great opening set to a full house at a nice venue.  Win win.  Grateful to have friends who trust me and want to partner on stuff like this.  Also grateful to have decided on this course of action, to lessen the stress on myself to pull off another big event for Rawkstars.  He also mentioned Dave D. playing drums, which will put it over the top if that comes together.

7/1/19:  Had a productive day at home yesterday.  Got my tire pressure gauge sorted out then got a sticker for the car.  Filled up the propane tanks for the grill, ahead of Bella’s big shindig.  Did the weekly shopping with Q, as Lisa had to work at Target.  Made breakfast, lunch and dinner for the family.  Weed whacked the entire street along the sidewalks.  Completed Bella’s slideshow video.  It felt good to cross off a bunch of things from my todo list and help the family with chores.  Grateful that I can keep busy, be productive and do things for those I love selflessly.

6/30/19:  Had a disagreement with Quincy yesterday.  We have been talking a lot about a video and music project for Bella’s 18th/grad party which is coming up soon.  After a few conversations back and forth, we are starting to put it together and our conversation degenerated into a negative place.  I wound up basically telling him to make his own project and got frustrated with him overall.  He withdrew super quickly, and went into his room and I went outside to cut the grass.  After cooling off, I came right inside and we talked it out.  I apologized and asked him to explain his side so I could better understand what I did to cause him angst.  I didn’t argue or defend my positions, and just wanted to be a good listener.  He appreciated that greatly and we had a nice conversation during which I learned about the ways in which I was to blame for the negative emotions he was feeling.  I told him our relationship was the most important thing to me and that I was again sorry.  We talked about not always getting along and being able to move past it by clearing the air and listening to each other in an effort to improve.  We both said I love you and moved on feeling much better.

From there, he took point on a really cool project for Bella around recreating the open for ‘The Office’, one of our family favorite shows.  I made good progress on the slideshow video of pics from Bella’s life.  I am super grateful for such a creative, loving and insightful son, who clearly loves me back.

6/28/19:  Went out to Providence last night with Lisa.  Jen Preston was having some people over to her new place on the East Side.  It’s gorgeous, of course, and a bunch of folks from the office were there.  We had a couple beers on the porch, checked out the place and I introduced Lisa to all my friends and co-workers.  We had some good laughs and it was nice connecting with those guys outside the office.  I don’t do that enough for some reason and it gave me some perspective on how lucky I am to work at Hasbro with those guys.  I often take my job for granted, despite trying to remind myself of the fact that I have it good over there.  After a couple drinks, we walked over to Thayer Street and got falafel roll-ups from east side.  Truly a treat.  It was a beautiful night, not too hot and not cool.  I love walking and seeing people.  The homes in that area are so nice and it was also cool cruising that neighborhood on foot.  Grateful for my job, the people I work with, being able to walk, enjoy casual/awesome food and for my wife.

Got a cool email from Mike Mooney yesterday.  A few weeks back I had posted on FB about this prison project I was considering.  Many people responded but not Mike.  I didn’t take offense to it really, but after all this time he dropped me an email explaining himself.  He basically outlined that he didn’t think inmates should ever be rewarded and that he didn’t want to say anything publicly about it on social media.  I thanked him profusely for reaching out, because I was glad to have an open conversation about it, and that’s exactly what I was looking for when I posted it.  I sent him a super long outline of why I was excited about it and that I didn’t see helping inmates have a better chance at becoming productive citizens once released a reward.  I think it’s an obligation for society and leads to the betterment of all.  The guys in the program are not violent, hardened criminals.  They are guys not unlike us, who had a bad turn and were connected to the wrong people.  Without going into too much detail, it was cool to have an open conversation and I told Mike I missed him.  Feel like we haven’t connected much in a while and that our relationship has been in a lull, which I know happens with everyone.  Grateful for cool people in my life and for reconnecting with an old buddy.

6/27/19:  Met yesterday with a social media marketer named Jamie.  I connected with her through linkedin and am hopeful to engage with her agency to help take Rawkstars 2.0 to the next level.  We had a great conversation and I am always thankful to talk with like-minded people about the business and learn from them.  She was insightful and I felt a strong energy from her side.  She had her shit together knowledge-wise but was also casual in her approach, kinda like me.  Thankful to have the chance to connect with her and excited about the potential partnership, if it’s affordable for us.

Got a decent little pay increase at my day job yesterday.  My boss went to bat for me above and beyond what was expected.  I’m not being promoted and hope for a continued upward trajectory moving forward, but it felt nice to be recognized and I’m grateful to be able to provide just a bit more financial support for my family.

6/26/19:  Took off work yesterday for a series of errands.  Got the car serviced, picked up my CAT-scan kit from the doctor, met John Baptista about the prison music program, worked on the proposal overview and got an estimate for the window replacement at PV.  It was productive and nice to again be out of the office.  As luck would have it, Bella was around later in the morning and we had breakfast together out on the deck.  It was the first real chance we have had to connect since her breakup situation with Cam over the weekend.  We talked about it though I made it clear I didn’t want to pressure her.  She was pretty open and I tried to be a good listener and support her.  She is such a mature person and is really in tune with what’s going on in her relationships.  I encouraged her to hold her ground even though it will be tempting to fall back into habits.  I was very grateful to have such an open conversation with her about something personal and felt really blessed to have had the time.

6/25/19:  Went out to see Geoff Tate last night with friends (Lanzetta, Ed, Doug and Wayne).  Show was fun, though the hang with the guys was better than the music.  GT has some pipes left, but his band were amateurs.  Solid players sure, but lacking the gig experience and chemistry that only comes with time.  There were too many opening bands and I spent most of the pre-show at the side pub hanging and talking with Doug, Kevin DeLue and the other guys.  Ed told us a crazy story about finding a long lost son via one of those DNA test sites.  Kid is 35 and jut had his own son!  Grateful for fun nights with my old friends and for seeing live music, even if the band weren’t top notch.

6/24/19:  Finished assembling the pergola kit I bought a few weeks back.  Did some yard cleanup in general and it’s looking better and better out there.  Trying to keep the yard updated and looking good for the few months we have access to enjoy the outdoors here.  Grateful that we have enough money to do projects like that and for the time outside working with my hands, which I don’t get often enough.

Heavy Mellow rehearsed yesterday for the first time in 6 weeks!  I had been feeling rusty as heck and went probably 10 days without touching my bass.  Went into the jam feeling a bit rushed nonetheless, since I was finishing the pergola project in the morning and just had enough time to shower and get the practice room ready before the guys showed up.  We went through the setlist and it was AWESOME.  It felt so good to play with them and everyone was well versed in the tunes.  We tried the Foreigner song for the very first time and it sounded tight.  The acoustic tunes continue to shine for me and our next one to add is going to be Sober, by Tool, which I think will sound great acoustically.  I felt so good afterward and it really made me feel confident about the music and each other.  Super thankful that we played and hopeful to get into a more regular cadence after having such a rocky schedule the last several weeks.

6/23/19:  Went to celebrate Doug Kast’s 50th last night over Dave’s place.  Fun crowd as usual and we got to see the Kast family and some friends.  Doug is such a great guy and I admire him very much.  He has a very zen like natural state and is very even keeled.  He has a great family and their kids are all super nice and loving.  I gave him a picture I took when we went to see Roger Waters.  Not one of my best shots, but a personal one since we were at the show together and Floyd is probably his all time favorite band.  I also baked a loaf of bread and brought it along.  Q came along with us which was also super cool.  He seemed to have fun and was pretty social, which made me happy.  He’s a great kid and it’s nice to see him enjoy the company of others and fit right in.

We came home late and after going to bed, Bella came home from a party she was at.  She went straight into her room and was super upset, crying and screaming aloud.  Quincy went in to comfort her, which was so cool.  He came downstairs and told Lisa that she wanted her to come upstairs.  Q came down and hung with me and we listened to Bella wailing uncontrollably.  It was hard to listen to, and Q and I talked about it.  She and Cam have been having issues and she comes home upset, semi regularly.  It’s a hard situation, since Cam is a pretty good guy and the family all really like him.  That said, Bella is in her first relationship and shouldn’t be struggling to simply enjoy it this early on.  The silver lining is that Lisa was there for her.  I’m super grateful that both of the kids lean on her in times of need and that she is able to provide a stable, loving shoulder to be with.

6/22/19:  Last night, we decided to head down to Fall River for some Portuguese food.  Bella was out at a grad party and Q went roller skating with his crew.  Lisa and I drove down to a place I found on Yelp.  It had been pouring rain all day, but the sky finally broke and the sun started peeking out.  As I got off the highway, the sunset was beautiful.  While getting close to downtown, I noticed how amazing the sky looked over by the battleship and saw the new walking path by the waterfront.  I decided to turn off and go check it out and Lisa agreed.  We parked and walked along the boardwalk, which was absolutely awesome.  There were only a few people outside, I suppose because it had been raining literally the whole day.  The ship and bridge were covered with sun streaked sky and there were plenty of sailboats in the harbor.  We walked, talked, held hands and I took a few pics of course.  We spent maybe 45 minutes down there and once the sun was basically down, we went and found another restaurant, since the original spot we were headed had closed since.  Our meal was decent, but hit the spot.  Instead of the homestyle, family type spot we were headed to, the place we found was more upscale.  Generally, that can be good, but with Portuguese food, we are looking for the lowbrow style.  Big plates of flank steak, piles of fries and runny eggs with a ton of hot peppers and roasted garlic is the expectation.  In any case, I was grateful to have stopped to experience the sunset with Lisa and for the dinner, even though it wasn’t what we set out to have.  We are lucky enough to eat what we want, be healthy enough to enjoy each other and were mindful enough to stop and enjoy the momentary beauty of nature.

6/21/19:  Found out today that Rawkstars is going to receive a grant from the Grace B Kerr Fund that my friend Dave Yuknat is on the board of!  $15k, which is by far the largest check we have ever received.  I surely mentioned having worked on it below in months past and I couldn’t be more grateful for the news.  I’ve been having lots of challenges lately with the bank account going down and no fundraising activity in sight.  I’ve been holding the line mostly, but also feeling anxiety about it inside.  This helps a ton!  I should be able to pay for some development cycles to build the back end of the website and hopefully have money left over to also hire a social media / seo person.  I sent out some feelers on LinkedIn yesterday and got at least one reply back that I was semi-excited about.  Aiming to connect with that person in the next week or so and see where it goes.  Excited for the prospect of having someone on the staff that I can pay for their expertise in these areas and see some progress/growth on both of those fronts.  Grateful for the trust and support my friend Dave showed in me by putting himself out there to advocate for us getting this money.  I’m going to work to make him proud for doing so.

6/20/19:  Attended the parent orientation at Assumption yesterday with Bella and Lisa.  Mostly passive presentation type day at the school but I am excited for Bella.  Each time we visit or have a new activity, her college experience becomes more ‘real’.  She is ready to take on the world and kickstart the next phase of her life.  I can sense her eagerness and it makes me happy to see her that way.  She is staying overnight in the dorms to get her feet wet with living at the school.

6/19/19:  Went to see the doctor yesterday.  Like most, I put off going to see him too often.  I’ve been fortunate to not have any major health issues and over the last few years, even my cycle of ‘normal’ sickness has been light.  I have a semi-regular physical, but that’s about it.  Anyhow, I’ve had some discomfort in my abdomen for a while and it manifests in different ways.  I feel a pebble-like irritation that is dull but regular.  Nothing jumped out and he indicated the area I am feeling this doesn’t have any organs or other bodies that might cause alarm.  I’ll be going for some tests over the next couple weeks but he told me flat out he doesn’t expect to find anything.  Going to the doctor can be a frustrating exercise as it generally doesn’t produce the clear results and answers we are seeking.  I am grateful for my overall health status, even though I regularly complain and struggle with my weight and body image.

6/18/19:  Last day of school for Q.  He got high honors and nice commentary from all his teachers.  He is such a bright kid and I am proud of him for applying himself more the last few years.  Lisa had to work last night so I was home with both kids, which was a nice treat.  Bella was watching reruns of Drake and Josh, a show she watched when she was little.  She is so innocent that way and I am super thankful that she has retained her kid-like sense of humor.

Had some work completed at the Providence condo as well.  Grateful we are able to keep the place in good shape and have such a great tenant living there.  My friend Bill, has now worked on our home, Azalea and Willow Street.  Very glad that I got introduced to him.  He does great work, is reasonable on the price and is a super nice guy.

6/17/19.  Father’s Day yesterday.  It was relatively uneventful, and I spent most of the day at home.  I worked on my proposal for the prison music pilot and feel pretty good about what I documented.  I also took care of picking up tiles, and other supplies for the work we are having done on the Providence condo.  I am grateful we have that property and such a good tenant.  We have been fortunate with few issues there and getting some of these items cleaned up will make the property even nicer.  I also went and bought a pergola kit for the backyard.  I’ll work this week to put it together and I think it will really beautify the back yard.  Quincy wrote me a nice note with some pics.  He is such a sweet, loving kid and he has a way of touching me with his words.  All of us, with Cam, went out for ice cream and clams after Lisa got home.  Not a great meal, but it was nice to be together.  I’m grateful for what fatherhood has brought.  I sometimes find myself wishing we could move, or envisioning scenarios for life after the kids.  That said, I would not change the path we took and Bella and Quincy are both such amazing people.  It’s been a true pleasure and blessing to be their dad and to have them in our lives every single day.

6/16/19:  On Saturday, we went to a graduation party for Kathy’s son.  She has a beautiful home and neighborhood.  She seems very happy with her new boyfriend Steve, who also seems like a great guy.  In the aftermath of her husband Roan passing away at such a young age, things appear to be working out well for their family.  Of course the Portagee family was in force and the accompanying drinking/eating and revelry.  I overdid it, but also had a great time in the moment.  We are so blessed to have such loving, fun people we can spend time with that are also our family.

6/15/19:  Visited the Middlesex House of Corrections yesterday with Jack.  As mentioned below, I was contacted a few weeks ago about the potential of spinning up a music program as part of a new PACT Unit that is being piloted by the prison.  After a few emails and phone calls, we drove to the facility to meet everyone and see it first hand.  It was an absolutely life changing experience.  After going through a couple checkpoints, we were dropped off at the unit and greeted by the sheriff, who couldn’t have been nicer.  He was super personable and thankful for our visit.  He described the new unit and I could feel his positive energy about the program.  He is actually on the verge of retirement and told us that after 33 years, it was the most amazing thing he had seen in the system.  We then entered the unit and met the case worker Julie, who had originally contacted me, along with one other case worker and a few of the guards.  Everyone was relaxed, personable and genuinely welcoming.  There were a few inmates spread out and a few of them were brought over to give us a tour of the unit.  It was a large rectangular shaped block with 100+ cells in two tiers on either side.  The unit only houses 36 prisoners, as that is all the staff is able to supervise given the open concept of the unit.  During the tour,  we saw a workout area, library, meditation space, barbershop, laundry room and other makeshift spaces.  We walked and talked with the inmate tour guides as well as the case workers.  After a while, all the inmates came inside from rec time, and they were all gathered in a circular area with couches where they have daily meetings with the group to discuss any issues, and whatever the agenda of the day is.  I was asked to address the group, which was unexpected but super welcome.  I spoke about my own back story and the creation of Rawkstars.  I felt totally comfortable and it was an honor to connect with this group of guys.  I asked them about their music tastes and what they wanted to have for instruments, etc.  The whole experience was super comfortable and inspirational.  I am 1000% grateful for having had the opportunity to visit the facility and to connect so personally with the guys on the block.  I left with a much better sense of what type of programming might suit the situation and look forward to the next several weeks to see where it might go.

Yesterday was also Q’s last day of middle school.  I had the appointment above, Lisa and Bella both had to work.  Cam went and watched Q get his certificate and participate in the proceedings.  He brought him home afterward and hung out with Q, until I arrived at home a while later.  Later on, I saw a card on Q’s bed from Cam and his family.  I assume they gave him some money or a gift and I was moved by the gesture.  Q really looks up to Cam and Cam treats him like a little brother.  It really is super sweet and a great influence on Quincy.  I am super grateful that he has that in his life and that Bella connected with such a thoughtful boyfriend.

6/13/19:  Yesterday was kinda magical.  I took the day off from work.  I decided the night before that I was going to take my bike out and ride down the Providence/Bristol path.  I didn’t start in Providence as I was worried I wouldn’t be able to ride that far, given my current fitness vibe.  I started about halfway down, at a place called Haines Park.  I drove there and saddled up, found the path entrance and started riding.  My intention was to take a slow pace, and not worry about fitness or time or anything else.  My goal was simply to take my time, enjoy the day and be mindful.  I stopped a couple times to take quick pictures.  Nothing fancy, just a few snaps without too much thought.  The weather was absolutely perfect, about 77 degrees.  Warm, with a very light breeze without being too hot.  I smiled at everyone I passed, and most smiled back.  The path itself is absolutely beautiful, lined with trees, shade, grassland, water views and amazing homes.  It’s super flat and wasn’t too crowded, since it was a weekday.  I made it down to Bristol, which is a super quaint downtown area.  I explored on my bike and really enjoyed all the little things I saw.  I stopped in the park, sat and breathed a little bit.  I watched a mom play with her son and converse with him in Spanish.  I saw older couples holding hands and some families with children.  I texted Lisa, Bella and Q to tell them I was thinking of them.  I responded to a few emails and felt generally awesome.  I started to head back and at the entrance to the path there was a small restaurant with an outside patio.  I noticed a woman sitting alone, drinking a glass of wine and just enjoying the day.  I wondered why I was rushing to get back home and decided to pull over.  I parked my bike, went into the restaurant and ordered a local lager and a shrimp salad.  I ate slowly.  An older couple took the seat next to me and soon began talking to me.  They were super nice and we discussed travel and they described lots of road trips they had taken since retiring.  After finishing my meal, I wished them a great day and headed back.  I was starting to tire from the bike seat, but made it back fairly comfortably.  The whole experience opened my heart and was as close to mindful as I have felt recently.  Truly grateful for the reminder and hopeful to revisit regularly, both the mindful part as well as the bike path.

The Bruins lost in game 7 of the Cup Final last night.  Somewhat disappointing, but they had a tremendous season and I got a ton of enjoyment from watching the playoff run.

6/12/19:  Thankful that I got through yesterday without overeating.  It’s been a real struggle lately.  I’ve been falling into old habits and in general, not being mindful.  I’m feeling the effects mentally and of course physically.  Haven’t been able to turn a corner even though I’m having regular conversations with myself about how to do so.  At least for 24 hours, I managed to restrain myself and breathe.  For that I am grateful.

6/11/19:  Presented to the larger team at Hasbro yesterday about Agile.  My deck went over pretty well, I felt comfortable and spoke casually but with authority.  I had a few folks reach out afterward and compliment me, including my boss and her boss.  Hopeful to continue the momentum when I present to the ITLT soon and that it results in my getting resources for the team as well as a promotion/raise.  Grateful for the opportunity to expand my work horizon and for the support of my colleagues.

6/10/19:  Weekend update.  Saturday, Lisa and I took Q down to PVDfest.  Downtown Providence is basically closed off fora weekend carnival of music, food, art and people.  It was really cool and we enjoyed amazing weather, while walking around for a couple hours.  We saw various bands and street vendors selling cool stuff.  We ate at a few food trucks and got some yummy tacos and kettle corn.  Providence is such a great city and I’m glad we have discovered it over the last many years and live so close by, relatively speaking.

Yesterday I saw the Whisky Saints perform, which was nice also.  I connected with Crissy, which I haven’t done outside of a few texts since Wicked Blue disbanded.  I ran into Red and Vicky who I also haven’t seen in a while.  Always good connecting with people I enjoy.

Bella, Cam and Q were all at the house during the afternoon which was a nice treat.  I brought them Chinese back for dinner after the show.  It’s really nice having them around and I am savoring these times.

Bruins tied the series last night 3-3 in a must win game.  We’ll now be treated to a Stanley Cup game 7 in Boston on Wednesday night.  After the game ended, news broke that David Ortiz was shot down in the DR at some night club.  My heart sank as Papi transcends sports.  He is a humanitarian and beacon of positive energy and a role model for many.  This morning I checked online and found out that he is doing well and expected to make a full recovery.  Grateful that he is on the mend and that the world will continue to benefit from his presence in it.

6/8/19:  Took a yoga class with Lisa last night, taught by her friend Devyn.  I had a rough go of it.  My body and in particular my mobility has taken a downturn over the last year.  My shoulders and much of my left side are increasingly stiff and sore.  I was aching and slow and sore.  I am grateful to be able to pay attention to my body, even if it’s sending me signals of distress.  Moving is helpful and if I am going to be able to improve, yoga is a great avenue for doing so.  Baby step.

We attended Cam’s graduation party last night, one of several we have in the next many weeks.  He’s got a nice family and they are friendly and casual.  They were all raving about Bella and how great they think she is.  Our friend Matt Borrello was there playing music.  He’s a really positive, upbeat kid and a really honest musician.  I pressed Cam to get up and play, which he eventually did.  Thankful that Bella has found another nice crowd of people to surround herself with.

6/7/19:  Had some quality family time last night when all 4 of us were around.  That’s increasingly rare.  We chatted and Bella then took Q for ice cream, which they both adore.

Things at work have been a bit more stimulating lately.  I’ve begun a project that’s taking me deeper into the Analytics group and working on some slides to present around the Agile practice I’m trying to develop.  I also had lunch with Kevin Colman, who runs the philanthropy group here.  He’s a great guy and we have connected several times over the years, and finally went to eat.  We talked a lot about Rawkstars and our plans for 2.0.  He seemed genuinely interested and supportive which continues to help me refine the concepts and get energy to keep going.

Confirmed a RS event/video project over at Rick’s Music for the summer.  I’ve hired a director to produce 3 video assets for our re-launch, showcasing stories of the org and 2 of our students.  Heavy Mellow will perform a short set and be surrounded with student performances and parent interviews.  I think it will be a super productive and fun night, without the overhead of a typical live production for me.

Grateful for so many positive elements in my life.

6/5/19:  Had a phone meeting with a woman from Middlesex House of Corrections.  They are looking to setup a music room for inmates as part of a new program they are rolling out called PACT.  It provides young males ages 18-23 an opportunity to access more programs and freedoms while incarcerated.  They have privileges that other inmates don’t and the idea is to better prepare them to re-enter society.  Rawkstars can certainly provide instruments easily enough, but I was thinking it would be much cooler to implement a program, with oversight, measurement and some combination of in-person and online lesson capabilities.  Grateful for the opportunity to consider how this might work and to see if I can find the energy to be part of making it happen.

6/4/19:  Quincy came home from Denver last night.  Lisa picked him up super late, but he came out of his room this morning and we hugged.  Really nice to have him back!  I got him a speed Rubik’s cube while he was away and left it on his bed.  He was showing me pictures of the gorge that he, Wyatt and Alyssa hiked.  Can’t wait to hear all about it after work.  I’m glad he overcame his homesickness and battled through adversity.  I told him it was totally normal to feel that way when you leave home and he seemed to rally around that.  Grateful that he got time with my father in law and everyone at the Bento’s.

Bruins lost last night and the cup is now tied at 2-2.  I’m thankful to be watching the local hockey team into June and that we have a couple more games to see if they can close out the series with a win.

I ran the Raynham fun run last night and had a really good time.  I finished in 34:53, which was < 11 minute miles.  Felt good to get myself to the starting line and the run overall was smooth.  Hung out with Jamie a bit, which is always cool as well.  Grateful to be able to run and be out in the world being active.

6/3/19:  Bella’s graduation was yesterday.  It was filled with the typical pomp and circumstance that come along with these events and it took 2+ hours in a crowded gym to get through the festivities.  Afterward, the crowd of 2,500+ spilled out in front of the school.  It was a beautiful, picture perfect day and the energy was awesome with all the kids and parents radiating joy.  We eventually found Bella in the masses and everyone hugged.  The kids were all taking pics with each other and smiling from ear to ear.  We ran into several families that have been part of Bella’s childhood.  Sabrina, Karen, Marcus, Kearsten, Caitlin and many others.  It was really sweet to see all of the kids and parents and remember all the great years Bella has had growing up with them.

Afterward, we met up with Cam and his folks and went to lunch down in Fall River.  We had drinks and food at an outdoor deck in the cove.  Again, the weather was tremendous and we enjoyed a few hours connecting with them.  Grateful for all the positive years we have enjoyed during Bella’s school career.  Looking forward to the next chapter and so happy to be her dad.

6/1/19:  Visited Roger Williams Park last night with Lisa.  We drove down for their ‘food truck friday’ summer series.  It was fun!  There were a bunch of random food trucks and we wound up getting a sandwich with fried chicken, hot sauce, honey, bleu cheese and pepperocinis.  We walked around the park and found a nice quiet bench, grabbed a couple beers and ate.  We explored the park a bit and it’s really beautiful.  Will definitely return again for more photography and nature walks.  Grateful for the nice weather, alone time with Lisa and of course the bounty of great food we’re exposed to.

5/31/19:  Took Bella to see Waitress at PPAC last night.  I bought her the tickets months ago for X-Mas and last night was finally the actual show.  We headed down to Providence early to grab dinner.  We went to Coal Fired Pizza and sat at the bar.  It was really nice.  We spent an hour or so having dinner, which was yummy, and chatting about life.  It was a good environment for casual open conversation.  I don’t get much 1:1 time with B and it was super enjoyable to connect.  The show afterward was fun also.  We sat in the front row and the production was well done.  The music in particular was great as the band was integrated into the show pretty strongly, as compared with other plays I’ve seen.

Spoke briefly with Q from Denver.  He called while we were having dinner so talking was kinda tough.  Sounds like he is really enjoying himself out there.  I miss having him at home but am also really happy for him to get the chance to have a new experience.  Our kids are both amazing and I am so happy to have them in our lives every day.

5/30/19:  Bella finished High School yesterday and had her senior prom!  She looked absolutely amazing and I am really happy for her.  She is such an amazing kid who I couldn’t be prouder of.  I told Lisa she did a great job raising her and meant every word.  It’s such an exciting time of change in her life, leaving all her old activities behind (band, drama, hs) along with long time friendships.  I think part of her is embracing going in a fresh direction even though all those things mean a lot to her.  It’s one of several qualities about her that I admire.

Q left with Vavo last night to head to Denver to visit Wyatt, Abi, Mikey and Alyssa.  They had a long plane delay and he had to sit at the airport for like 5 hours.  We texted and talked a few times and I am proud of how he handled it.  I explained that stuff like that is going to always happen in life and you can deal with it in different ways.  You can complain and let it stress you out, or you can embrace it and find ways to enjoy what’s happening.  He totally understands this and I’m glad he was with Joe, who is a master at that concept.  I know he will have a blast with his cousins and I’m happy he will get to see a beautiful part of the country.  He also makes me very proud and is growing into a super cool, mature young man each day.

5/28/19:  Memorial Day weekend.  I spent the last 3 days staining the deck.  I complained about it a lot and it took me quite a bit of time/energy.  It came out nice and I am happy with the results and also proud of myself for tackling it.  I’m not super handy and generally lazy when it comes to home improvement.  Not sure why, but I’m grateful to have had the energy to do the job instead of hiring someone, which would have been much easier.

Lisa’s band played on Sunday and as usual, were awesome.  I am happy to get to see her receive such positive attention.  It’s well deserved and she fronts a powerhouse band that sets the standard for most in our area.  A ton of people came out to the gig and the combination of the long weekend and perfect weather helped fuel a strong performance for them.  I connected with a lot of cool people, including two folks I literally haven’t seen since High School.

Had a lot of time with the kids over the weekend.  Friday night I stayed home while Lisa went out with her girlfriends.  We had a backyard fire and Bella/Cam both joined Q and I, which was nice.  We listened to music and hung outside talking.  They also joined for dinner yesterday.  Lisa was at Target so I cooked steaks for all the kids.  We watched some Star Wars before and just lazily hung out.  It was sweet having Bella around so much.  This is her last few days of school, so I’m savoring the time together before summer hits full force.

Bruins took game #1 of the Cup Finals last night against St. Louis.  They dominated the 2nd/3rd periods and really looked strong.  Grateful to have meaningful Boston hockey going into June and excited to see if they can bring home another Cup.

Eating continues to be a downward trend for me lately.  Lots of ice cream and other indulgences.  Grateful for a new opportunity today to turn things around.

5/24/19:  Yesterday I took Nana into Boston for an eye appointment.  Not sure if I mentioned it here before, but she got diagnosed with cancer about 2 years back.  It’s on her eye and manifests in a growth, which they slice off every 6 months or so.  It’s spread to the other side of her face now.  It’s not causing her any pain or discomfort and as I would have guessed, she is not getting any treatment for it.  She is 97 and has lived an amazingly healthy life.  I literally can’t recall a time when she was hospitalized, sick or had surgery outside of a routine cataract procedure probably 40 years ago.  In any case, I drove her and my mom to the visit.  It was uneventful but gave me a couple hours to spend with them and chat with my mom.  It was nice and I enjoyed the time and break in my work routine.  I am truly grateful for my Nana and the influence she has had on me and our whole family.  I have tremendous respect for her simple, grateful, elegant way of living.

5/22/19:  I don’t often write about work here, but yesterday was a pretty satisfying day.  Had a few meetings that were engaging and got to talk at length with some folks that brought energy.  I also have a window into a new project team that I might become part of, which is exciting.  It’s been a while since I had much passion for anything at the office and was grateful to have a small burst of that feeling again.  Looking to roll that into some positive momentum going forward.

Weather has also finally turned a corner.  It’s been warm and relatively sunny.  When you live in New England, the winter and fall run very long.  As a result, everyone is desperate for sunshine as spring comes around.  Early spring can generally be rainy and cool still, but offers a glimpse into what’s to come on occasion and recently, we have had some of those days.

5/21/19:  Got my 100 pushups in yesterday for the first time in about a week.  I’ve continued to get some sets in, just not finishing the full 100 lately.  It felt good to reset yesterday after another weekend of poor eating/drinking.

I played catch with Quincy last night and it was really awesome.  We played over the weekend briefly, with Jacob.  He didn’t want to share time with Jacob and asked if we could play ourselves.  I totally understood but also told him how rude it would be to exclude Jacob, who is outside playing ball by himself many nights.  I am grateful that Q wants to throw the ball around but even more so that he values time together with me.  When we are 1:1 we often have our best interactions and conversations.  He thrives more in this personal space and I’m truly thankful for his friendship.

5/20/19:  On Saturday night Lisa and I attended GrownAss Prom for the 3rd year.  It was a blast, as always.  My friend from work, Ecem, joined us as we had an extra ticket.  She also dug it and we danced our asses off all night.  Grateful that I have come to enjoy dancing, as I wouldn’t have participated in such an event when I was younger.  I was thankful that Lisa and Ecem got to meet.  She and I have been friends for a couple years and it was nice to have those world’s connect.

5/18/19:

The portal is only open for a few moments at a time.

The perfect show, the perfect timing, the perfect chemistry, playing the perfect songs in the perfect way and at the perfect moment, the portal opens.

We want it to last longer but we know it won’t.  We try to manufacture it but we can’t.

It’s there and then it’s gone.

We engage with the music, and also for the longing of that moment.  We love both parts equally.

We long to be in the portal. For just one more moment.

You can search for it.  It can find you.  But we know it’s there. So we keep going.

Last night I was in the portal.

I went to see some friends I’ve known for 32+ years play music that I love.  Before, during and after the show, I connected with friends I’ve known for equally as long.  For a few hours before and during the show, we engaged with each other.  Connecting the way you do with someone that has seen what you’ve seen.  Been where you’ve been.  Felt, what you’ve felt.

Music is a brotherhood.  Most especially, heavy metal music.  Its enthusiasts quite literally wear their hearts on their sleeve.  And their t-shirts, jackets, guitar cases and book covers.  We fly the flags of the music we love because we are proud.  Proud in the knowing that we aren’t alone.  That we are part of something bigger than any of us.

In the late 80s and early 90s, Boston had a flourishing metal scene.  Music ruled our hearts, guided our lives and fueled our dreams.  Bands like Wargasm, Meliah Rage, Steel Assassin, Seka, 6L6, Formicide, Only Living Witness, Wrecking Crew, Temporary Insanity, Quick Fever, Subjugator, Gang Green, Slaughter Shack, Stompbox, Only Living Witness, Slapshot, Sam Black Church and tons more ruled the scene.  And it was a scene.

Every weekend we would gather.  In person.  Together.  For music.  At Bunratty’s, The Channel, Narcissus, Celebrations, The Rat, The Middle East, The Paradise, Bill’s Bar, Axis, wherever would have us.  Wearing our colors, we would sweat, laugh, sing, head bang, dance, talk, worship, drink beer and perform together.  For and with each other.

We didn’t do it for ‘likes’ or to separate ourselves from one another or to demonstrate how much better our lives were than anyone else’s.  We did it for the love of OUR scene and OUR music.  Metal.

Last night, well into our late 40’s and 50’s, we did it again.  Way less hair, more body fat, faded tattoos.  Same vibe.

Eternally grateful to have grown up in such a magical time and to still call so damn many of those bastards my brother.

5/17/19:  Most of us have a date or event in our lives that is such a huge turning point that we naturally think of ourselves in terms of “before and after”.  5/16/2010 is one of mine.  I was walking from South Station to my office at Digitas and I passed a glass front building and watched my reflection for a solid 5 seconds.  I had done so hundreds of times, but for some reason I was struck in a powerfully negative way about how I looked.  I was uncomfortable, unhappy and obese.  For some reason, this realization shook me in a way I hadn’t felt before.  It felt different even though I had considered these facts millions of times before.  I weighed roughly 350 pounds and had been in that ballpark for several years.  Later that morning, news came that Ronnie James Dio had passed away.  He had been diagnosed with stomach cancer and I always knew he was older than most rock singers, but fuck.  He was Dio!  About a month prior, Pete Steele, another singer I admired, had also died unexpectedly at a very young age.  His death, pushed beyond the tipping point by Dio’s passing became a catalyst for me.  I decided then and there that I was going to improve my health.  I didn’t make any declarations about reaching a specific weight or how I was going to do it, but I also didn’t wait for tomorrow or next Monday, as would have been my usual approach.  That very day I started doing little things, like drinking black coffee, taking the stairs and other lifestyle tweaks that eventually became life habits.  Now that I’m thinking back, I also wrote what might have been my first attempt at a blog post.  I remember being compelled to put my feelings about Dio into words and share them with others.  It felt cathartic, creative and personal all at the same time. Nine years later, I can honestly say that was probably the biggest turning point in my entire life, along with meeting and marrying Lisa and becoming a dad to Bella and Quincy.  I’m truly grateful for the change in trajectory that my life took that day and the tremendous joy Dio, the musician, continues to bring to me through his songs, voice and grace.  Sometimes great beauty emerges from unlikely circumstances.  Like a rainbow in the dark.

5/16/19:  Yesterday had a strong positive vibe.  I had some great meetings at work that energized me.  Met with the ecommerce team and left with a solid feeling that it might present an opportunity for me to deepen my engagement with that group.  I’ve been looking for a specific team to extend agile services with and they might be the right candidate for what I’m proposing.  My boss also gave me a heads up that she may have uncovered a way to adjust my salary, a I’ve been advocating for.  I also had coffee with my friend Aaron.  We enjoyed coffee together and ran into a handful of Hasbro peeps at Seven Stars.  Grateful for all the human interaction I had and some good conversations.

5/15/19:  Derek Sivers, Ryan Holliday, Mark Manson, Zat Rana, Seth Godin, Bernadette Jiwa, Cathy Heller, Gabe Anderson, Leo Babauta, Timber Hawkeye, Noah Rasheta, Michael Pollan.  These are writers and thinkers that I read/listen to almost daily.  During my commute I listen to podcasts and I subscribe to most of their blogs, plus medium articles.  Each of these folks has really influenced me in the last few years and taught me a ton.  Their lessons on life, buddhism, marketing, business and inspiration continue to educate and help me continue to evolve and learn.  Super thankful for their presence in my life and for living in an era when so much valuable content is available at my fingertips.

5/14/19:  Watched a Ted talk from a woman who discussed her weight loss journey of losing 130 lbs.  I’m always interested in learning from others who have walked the path I’ve been on since day 1.  She talked about the concept of ‘just don’t binge today’, which I learned when I briefly attended some Overeaters Anonymous meetings several years back.  I think it’s a very effective message and I was able to use it last night to keep myself in check after dinner.  Grateful that I heard the message and listened to it mindfully.

5/13/19:  Had ‘the fam’ over yesterday for Mom’s Day.  Went about as expected, though Bella wasn’t able to join since she had to cover a shift at work.  I am grateful for the mom’s in my life, Lisa, Nana and of course my mom.  They have each had a tremendous impact on making me who I am, in very different ways.  I made breakfast for everyone and I’m always thankful for great food.

I helped Bella with a scholarship application that Hasbro offers.  It’s going in the mail today and we’ll cross our fingers she gets it.  It will significantly help with her tuition and I’m thankful to work at a company that offers such possibilities.

Arch/Matheos released their second record over the weekend and of course, I dig it.  I’m always grateful for new music and it makes it slightly more special when I get something so anticipated from people I’m fortunate enough to call friends.

5/12/19:  Took Lisa out to see Whitesnake for Mother’s Day.  We had a good time and she seemed to enjoy it.  The band were solid, though Coverdale is far past his prime as a singer.  He still looks good, but can’t bring the smooth, soulful vocals the way he once could.  The venue was large and I was pretty shocked by the size of the crowd.  They also stood for the entire show, which is always nice to see at a seated venue.  I’m grateful we got a chance to see rock royalty as there are fewer of those guys around nowadays.

George and Dee also visited yesterday afternoon as they are here from Florida.  They’re a nice couple and we’ve gotten to know them pretty well over the last several years.  It’s ironic that once my dad passed away, we became much closer with his brothers than we ever were when he was alive.  We had a nice afternoon and I grilled steaks outside.  The weather was absolutely gorgeous and we were able to sit under the sun on the patio for a few hours.  Grateful for good food, extended family and beautiful weather.  Noting fancy became a great day.

5/11/19:  Broke out the new lawnmower and spent the day working in the yard.  It looks great and I was so satisfied to have done the lawn.  It had become so overgrown that it took me 3x longer than usual.  I had to keep going over the areas just to cut down the length.  I took my time and enjoyed all of it.  I started the trimmer afterward and went around all the dingy areas of the yard and cleaned them up.  A bit of weed killer on the patio and things looked terrific.  Spring is a great time for the yard since the summer hasn’t yet scorched the grass and everything is super green from all the rain we’ve had.  I’m genuinely thankful for the simple pleasure of a nice yard to spend time in.  I sat afterward and watched the birds out back.  At night, we had a fire, along with music.  Another simple pleasure I am grateful for.

5/10/19:  Took a ride with Q last night to pickup a used lawnmower I found on craigslist.  We stopped at 5 guys on the way back and I got him a burger.  Was nice to take a little drive and talk for a while.  Grateful he’s still into spending time together with his dad.

I also bought tickets to take Lisa to see Whitesnake this weekend for Mother’s Day.  I kinda screwed up waiting for great seats to become available.  Typically, I like to sit right up front at gigs.  When it’s standing room it’s never an issue as I have a knack for making my way up front.  At seated shows, I’m usually willing to pony up or get tickets early enough to make it happen.  Since becoming more budget conscious lately, I was hopeful that resale seats would open up as the show got closer, but it really dried up.  I might have just punted on going altogether but I really want to do something fun for Lisa, besides just taking her to dinner or whatever.  She’s never seen WS and I think it will be fun.  Anyways, I bought some tickets toward the back of the room and I’m sure she will enjoy it nonetheless.  Thankful that we have so much overlap on bands that we dig together and that we are still able to enjoy each other as a couple.

5/9/19:  Band rehearsal last night.  Jim couldn’t make it as he came down sick, but the rest of us connected.  We worked on the new song(s) and it sounded decent.  It was productive, despite not having the full compliment.  We discussed new rehearsal dates but really struggled to get much on the calendar for the next several weeks.  It seems like we are going to be in a bit of a dead zone and I left feeling a bit frustrated about that.  After letting it settle in, I realized that it’s bound to be the case.  Everyone besides me has other band obligations.  I asked each of these guys to participate knowing full well they had other commitments.  Part of the trade off playing with such seasoned guys is that our project can’t take precedence.  I realized that even if the progress is slower than I’d like, I am happy to be part of the unit and grateful for whatever time we do get to play together.  I’ll have to temper my excitement for now, armed with the knowledge that there will also be times down the road when the calendars open up and we get a better share of time together.

5/8/19:  My co-worker Vicky told me a story about her daughter, Liz, who is super musical.  She is in college and graduating this month, to go on and pursue a graduate degree.  She plays bass, among other instruments and I met her when we visited Westfield state as part of Bella’s college tour.  In any case, she wrote several pieces of music and had them performed as part of her finals.  Vicky was so animated telling me about each piece and the stories behind them all.  Very personal and touching.  She got an offer for a really cool opportunity she is going to pursue and it was so nice to hear about someone who is seeing her dreams and goals unfold before her very eyes.  She told me all this while we took a walk around the park and I was really grateful for the simplicity of walking on a nice warm afternoon and seeing the joy in the eyes of a mom talking pridefully about her daughter.

5/7/19:  Yesterday was one of those days when it’s easy to be grateful and see the beauty in everyday life.  The weather was sunny for the first time in weeks and simply being outside felt great.

I left work early and went for a run when I got home.  It was the first run for the Colonial Running Club and though I wasn’t able to run with the group, I drove to the parking lot and ran the exact course.  My run was comfortable and it felt good to get myself out there.  It was a nice reminder to be thankful for my body.  I spend a lot of energy regretting how poorly I’ve cared for it over the years and focusing on its limitations.  That said, the fact that I can get out there and run a 5k and feel good is not trivial and I embraced it.

After the run I met up with Donna and Cidalia for a little Rawkstars update.  I haven’t connected with either of them in a while and I had been feeling badly about it.  They have both helped RS a lot over the years and I wanted to loop them in on all the activity and direction for RS 2.0.  It felt good to connect with them and to again be able to articulate the concepts to new people.  Each time I do that it gets more clarity for me and I am thankful for the process.

I took off from that meeting and stopped at Bella’s last symphonic band performance at the high school.  She has put so much of herself into the band program, I wanted to be able to support her in return.  I texted her when I arrived and though I was a bit late, made it in plenty of time to catch her performance.  She texted me back ‘I love you so much”, which made me feel amazing.  The band were good as usual.  I got to catch up with Jamie as well, who I always see at the school events.

Got home late, made a quick dinner and watched the Bruins game 6 on DVR.  They won and moved on to the final four and will play Carolina starting Friday.

5/6/19:  Lisa’s gig got rained out yesterday.  We wound up basically being home all day, as has been the case a lot this super rainy spring.  There was a Star Wars marathon on tv, so I watched a lot of that with Quincy.  I’m grateful for the time we have together, even when it’s doing something mundane.  We connect a lot around SW, which is something we both enjoy.

Lisa spent some time with Bella in her bedroom consoling her.  I didn’t talk with her first hand, but she told me that Bella and Cam have been fighting a lot lately.  I’ve seen a bit of this from afar, but Bella is pretty quiet about such things and generally plays it close to the vest emotionally.  I’m thankful that Lisa had some time to chat with her and just be her mom.  I’m sure she gave good advice and that it will help Bella in the long run.  She is such a great kid and Lisa is a great mother to her, especially when it comes to listening.

Since it was Cinco De Mayo, Lisa also made homemade salsa, guacamole and ‘street corn’.  She is such a good cook and makes everything with love.  Even though it led to another afternoon of overindulging for me, I was grateful for the delicious, fresh food in our life.  Now if only I could consume it with gratitude instead of gluttony 😉

5/5/19:  Lisa traded some massage treatments to a friend from her gym for private yoga sessions.  We took our first one yesterday and it was really great.  I have done yoga a fair amount over the years with various teachers, but haven’t taken a class in about a year.  The woman, Devin, who taught us was really nice and her technique was amazing.  It felt nice to get some deep stretches in and was a good reminder of how much it helps me.  Grateful for the perspective and for the chance to connect with my body, which isn’t always a friendly touchpoint for me.

Lisa’s gig was rained out today and we are spending it at home lazily.  I learned the two new songs for the HM rehearsal and am thankful that I continue to make small bits of progress with my bass playing.

5/3/19:  I realized that I have never really written about sex here in this space.  Over the years, like most people, I’ve had stretches with amazing sex and others where it waned.  Lately, it’s generally been the latter, although in the last few weeks that is turning around.  I am blessed to have an awesome partner and Lisa and I still very much enjoy each other, even after all these years.  She keeps herself in amazing shape and I am grateful to have a wife who takes such good care of me and herself.

Managed to get my 100 pushups in, after 2 days of staggering and half-hearted effort.  Bs won game 5 to tie the 2nd round series with CBJ at 2 games each, even though they didn’t play very well.

5/2/19:  An old friend, Shauna Spillberg was in town yesterday from Florida.  She is the sister of two of my oldest music brothers, Rich and Barry.  Shauna is an equally awesome person and I am fortunate to know the whole family.  Anyways, we play scrabble together online semi-regularly and she mentioned to me that she would be in town.  I had plans to go see Uli Roth (more on that below 🙂 but she said she would be going to see another old buddy, Chris Gallivan, perform at a local bar where he plays piano.  I got home from work and asked Lisa if she wanted to make a stop with me at the bar, which she did.  We grabbed a quick bite, saw Chris play some music and connected, albeit briefly, with Shauna.  Grateful to have cool people in my life that I’ve known for decades and still enjoy connecting with.  Also thankful I made the effort to get out and see them instead of just mailing it in, as would have been easy with a built in excuse going to the concert.

Uli Roth.  WOW.  Was one of those religious musical experiences that I will never, ever forget.  Met up with Barry, Wayne, Wabrek, Kevin Curran and Zeus’ brother Mario.  We went to a pub before the show and had a couple drinks.  I had two very large glasses of tequila and left quite buzzed.  Since Wayne was with us we then smoke a big joint.  We headed into the show and I had such a warm glow, not only from the intoxicants, but from being with my friends and the anticipation of seeing Uli.

I saw him once before and was supposed to go to the gig with Lisa.  Her band is gigging this coming weekend and this was her last rehearsal, so she sadly could not come.  I was bummed for her because I know she is one of the short list of people that actually understands Uli’s greatness.  She knows all the old Scorpions stuff and it resonates with her deeply.

I had tickets in the front row and sat in absolute awe and joy watching and listening to him play.  The venue was this fabulous new church in downtown Plymouth, which I really dug.  As expected, I was thinking about how to get myself a gig there.  It’s an awesome space and we’ll see if I can make that happen.

I can say without exaggeration that nights like that bring unending joy and happiness to me.  It was such a perfect chemistry of sensations and filled with joy, love, and intense pleasure.  Beyond grateful for music, old friends and the feeling they bring me when they are mixed exactly right together.

5/1/19:  Had lunch yesterday with old friend Dave Yuknat.  We reconnected after meeting a few months back.  He gave me some feedback on the project outline I have been working on for Rawkstars 2.0.  He said he is working on getting us approved for some funding through his family foundation.  It’s an exciting prospect and even if that doesn’t work out (though I hope it will!) it’s been a good learning experience for me and I’ve enjoyed reconnecting with Dave on a personal level.  He’s a good family man and a lifelong musician.  He told me that he recently had an immersive studio experience with his band and I could feel the happiness emanating from him as he talked.  Been a while for me since I’ve gotten the studio bug and it stirred me a bit.  Would love to put something deeper together.  I think when HM gets tight enough, we’ll do a project together to feed the recording beast.

4/30/19:  Got myself motivated to run yesterday.  As mentioned below, I had a rough weekend on the eating/drinking front and hadn’t been feeling good about myself.  Got through my pushup/squat routine during the day at work and as I drove home, I decided I would try an outside run.  Next Monday, the Raynham fun run series kicks off and so I want to be in a pattern of Monday running after work.  I’ve gotten out a couple times in the last month, and was grateful to continue some momentum there.  I’m a bit sore today but grateful that I had the fortitude to make that decision and follow through.

I also started listening to Buddhism talks by Thich Nhat Hanh.  I have read a couple of his books and find his words extremely resonant.  Listening to him speak has been really cool.  I feel like I’ve had some improved clarity the last few weeks in terms of being ‘present’.  As evidenced by this scroll, I do try and pay attention and remain mindful.  That said, we all go through ups/downs in our emotions and moods.  For a while I have felt “stuck” and not really understanding why.  In the last week or so, I’ve been able to see with more clarity and embrace the million little things in my life that are simple, yet beautiful.

4/29/19:  On Sunday, we attended Bella’s final THS drama club event.  It was a talent show, as opposed to a typical production, and Bella only performed as part of the ensemble.  I’m grateful for all the years that she has poured into the club.  It definitely helped teach her hard work, self-confidence, dealing with rejection and a ton of other life skills.  She developed a ton of friendships through participating.  I’m really proud of her and have enjoyed many of the performances over the years that helped shape our family.

Lisa and I also attended a fundraiser for Rawkstars, that was put together by my old friend, Greg Alonge.  He had bands play over 2 days and collected $1,150 for the cause.  I am so fucking humbled by his actions and all the generosity shown by people who never even heard of us.  Besides running into a bunch of cool people at the gig (Joanie Lindstrom, Barry & Sue, Greg Dellaria, Steve Nelson, Chip and Roxanne, Darren Lourie and others), I was approached by the bartender, who I didn’t really recognize.  Turns out he remembered me from my days mixing at Deringers and said a bunch of super flattering things about how that time in his life meant so much.  He slipped me a $100 bill, which was so heartfelt and touching to me.  Someone also randomly brought and donated a guitar.

One of the bands that performed is an Iron Maiden tribute called Maiden New England.  I saw them last year at Glen Rice’s annual BBQ.  They are a terrific band and do the music justice.  Their singer is absolutely amazing.  She has great pipes, but what separates her is her visible passion for the music.  She wears her heart on her sleeve and performs with such joy others cannot help but be moved by her.  It’s so refreshing and inspiring to see someone like that and I am super grateful to have crossed paths with them on a few occasions now.

I had (another) rough weekend of food and am grateful for the chance to return to mindful consumption today.

4/28/19:  Yesterday I met a BU college student named Amanda for coffee.  I think I mentioned her below, but she reached out to me a month or so ago, about a potential internship for the summer.  She is a music education major and had a really great resume and background.  We got to know each other a bit and it was really nice to connect with someone young, smart and idealistic about the future of music education.  She had some great ideas and I’m hopeful we may work together on a project someday through Rawkstars.  I think it would benefit our program and kids greatly.

I did some other errands and small tasks around the house, and generally took it easy.  Lisa made a great asian stir-fry for dinner, which I was truly grateful for.  We hung out and watched the B’s, who lost in double OT.  I did pushups/squats for every goal, which was great.  However, I ate just about everything in the cabinet in between.  Struggling the last few weekends managing my food intake.  I’m solid during the workdays, but having a hard time keeping it under wraps Fri/Sat/Sun.  Thankful for a new crack at it today.

Quincy went to the Avengers movie again, and took his friend Delce.  He has been friends with her for several years and has always had a bit of a crush on her.  Now that he is a teen, those feelings are surfacing more for him.  She is a really sweet girl and I was happy to see him connect with her.  Bella and Cam picked him up and took him for ice cream.  Makes me really happy to see the kids bond together as they get older.  Grateful.

4/27/19:  Took the day off yesterday and took Q to see Avengers, End Game.  Until recently, he hadn’t been much into the superhero movies.  He was excited for this one, so I bowed out of seeing it at work, pulled him out of school early and took him instead.  We had fun connecting and he really enjoyed the movie.  We ate popcorn and then talked about everything afterward.  Thankful for time with my son and that we can bond over stuff like this.

Heavy Mellow rehearsed last night on a Friday evening for the first time.  It was a productive session and we continue to get a tiny bit better each practice.  It was also nice to hang a bit afterward and have a couple beers.  We listened to some music and I proposed a couple new tracks, which everyone seemed to dig.  I know I’ve said it a dozen times in this space but I continue to be thankful for having such musically talented friends who drag me along with them.  I realize that I’m in a unique place to be able to play with musicians who are so far ahead of me.  I don’t take it for granted and enjoy every minute of it.

4/26/19:  B’s took game 1 against CBJ in OT.  Exciting win and they played a strong all around game.  Saddling up for what will surely be some exciting nights of hockey watching.  Thankful to be able to enjoy these.

Had some family time yesterday as all 4 of us were home together for a few hours.  Grateful for these moments as they are becoming increasingly rare.  It’s a new phase of parenthood with lots of adjustments for all of us.  We are fortunate to have a strong relationship with both kids, even if Bella is disconnecting as she moves towards independence.  I know she still enjoys the dynamic of being with us and I’m so proud of how mature both the kids are.

4/25/19:  Yesterday I was able to work at home.  Things have been light at the office lately on the meeting/project side so I’ve been taking the opportunity to stay home occasionally.  It was a really nice, sunny day.  The type that happens in early spring when it’s been crummy out for months and suddenly it’s 65 degrees and feels like 80.  Last weekend I got our backyard cleaned up a bit and reset my bird feeders.  I got so much enjoyment from them the last few years and wound up sitting outside for some time just watching them come and go.  I like feeding them and feeling like I am helping to take care of them, even thought they would do just fine without me.

I also got officially started with my first property management company, to manage my tenants at Azalea.  I feel good about making this investment and the long term potential of having someone else take care of the property.  Grateful that we made it 7+ years without any major incidents with the properties and reached this point.

I had an email/phone tag situation with a young mom looking for guitar lessons for her daughter.  I don’t have all the details yet, but she was referred by my friend Jen Preston.  I also got email applications out to two other students, Kyle and Veronica.  I’ve met both of them already and am so very thankful that Rawkstars is able to help them in their musical journey.

Hiked with Quincy, after a little argument we had.  It was nothing really, but suffice to say we had some tension between us which we resolved quickly, mostly due to his maturity level.  So proud of that kid and grateful to have such a good relationship with him.

4/24/19:  I tried to reboot a meeting series at work called ‘Ted Tuesday’.  Each month, we gather for an informal brown-bag lunch session and watch a Ted Talk, chosen by that month’s volunteer.  It’s a cool way to connect with colleagues, build camaraderie between teams and learn something new.  We had this running a few years back but it fell off.  I was a little disappointed by the turnout initially, as I had sent out perhaps 20 invites and we only had 4 others join.  The meeting wound up being right after the company earnings call, which certainly killed attendance.  That said, the 5 of us who came really enjoyed it.  I showed a video of this black gentleman who told his story about his friendship with the Grand Dragon of the KKK.  It’s a story of empathy and compassion, that really moved me when I first watched it.  I’m grateful that I could share that story with a few friends and that I wasn’t too disappointed by the low turnout.  Not worrying about reaching a high volume of people is something I’ve been trying to work on.  I’ve had a long history of putting together large, successful events and attracting lots of attention from people.  I want to learn to live more simply and be ok with not needing to have such a wide audience to make myself feel worthy.

Last night, the Bruins also won game 7 against Toronto, for the 3rd time in the last few years.  Always enjoy playoff hockey, even more so when the B’s are on the winning end.  They didn’t play all that well in the series, but won anyways.  That is a good trait for a team trying to run the gauntlet of winning the cup.  Thankful for yet another great experience watching local sports.

4/23/19:  After 4 weeks of the 100 pushup challenge, I started to add squats yesterday.  I’m working to ingrain these as daily habits and so far, have been pretty successful.  In the 4 weeks since I began the pushups, I missed perhaps 3 days.  Rather than let those missed days rule my emotions and lose momentum, I’ve been able to get passed the feeling of failure and see the next day as an opportunity to keep going.  So now, I’m going to aim for 100 pushups and 100 squats.  I’ll do them in sets of 25.

4/22/19:  On Friday, I hiked in the park with Quincy.  Warmish weather, and it was great to be outside.  As usual, we had a deep conversation and I’m always thankful for those times with Q.  Evening was super rainy and Lisa and I had a lazy night.  Watched a lot of TV and had a couple drinks.  Glad to be able to enjoy downtime with my wife and the simple approach of just hanging out.

I managed to get a tiny bit of yard time on Saturday afternoon, before the rain.  I got some of the patio cleaned and setup.  I also put out my bird feeders and bought some seed.  I get a lot of enjoyment from watching the birds and helping to feed them.  It felt good to get that back up and running after a long winter.  Our yard/lawn/patio needs a lot of TLC and although I didn’t get much done, it was satisfying to at least get a start on that process.

Saturday afternoon, I ran 5k with Lisa over at the gym.  She is on the spring bootcamp and that usually results in me having a few spill-over workouts with her, which is a nice offshoot.  I struggled to finish the run, but was proud of myself for doing so.  I started a bit too fast and had to dial it back, which has happened to me the last couple times out.  Grateful that my wife pushes herself so much physically and that I can get a bit of momentum from her progress.  Also thankful that at 48 and during a slight downturn in eating, I can still manage to get in a solid run.  A younger version of myself would never have been able to accomplish that.

Saturday night we headed to my mom’s for Passover.  Cam joined us.  As expected, there was plenty of angst and ill-will undercutting the event.  It was nice having Cam along to meet everyone and my mom’s friend’s Frank and Lynn also joined.  They are a nice couple and add some levity to the tense dynamic that exists when it’s just ‘the fam’.  Seeing my grandmother is always something I can look forward to.  She is 98 and an amazing person.

Yesterday, we spent Easter at the Bento’s.  Great food of course, and Cam joined us for that as well.  The crowd has shrunk over there since Mikey has moved away, but we still enjoyed the company.  The Bruins played and managed to force a game 7 against Toronto despite the fact they haven’t played well in the series.  I always like getting to spend some time with my brother in law, Rob.  He’s a great guy and I always felt we were pretty like-minded.  His boys Logan and Caden have grown up so much and I’m thankful for all the kids in the family being smart, happy and healthy.

Overall, my eating was poor throughout the weekend.  It’s semi-predictable when we have parties and holidays to attend.  I didn’t do a good job of managing myself.  Grateful for the chance to awaken today and return to a patter of mindful consumption.

4/19/19:  Saw Rival Sons last night.  Met up with Louie, which was awesome.  We also connected with my co-worker and friend Matt Orsi, who brought his college roommate.  We grabbed Pho in Chinatown before the show and had some free and easy conversation and of course great noodles.  Jon Lanzetta, Tina and Steve Watson were seeing Get the Led Out across the street and they stopped into the restaurant to say hi.  The show was killer and it was the first time seeing the band for me.  I took Louie right up front and then brought Matt and Dan forward.  I like helping people get to the front of the stage, which is my natural spot 😉

Great energy and music all around.  After the show, I spotted Lanzetta and his crew exiting the other gig and ran across to chat with them.  While we were talking, Chip and his concert crew walked by and of course, they were also in the show, though I hadn’t seen them inside.  They joined us a bit and then I ran into Matt McLaughlin and his family, who also were in the Zeppelin show.  Always nice running into old friends and being a bit social.  Truly grateful for how much music brings into my life, in so many ways.

4/18/19:  My co-worker Vicky came back to the office after a couple days off.  She told me that she and her husband took a few days off together and stayed local.  Dinner, drives, hotel, just being together and away from the house and kids.  She said it was a good reminder ‘that they actually enjoy each other’.  Thinking Lisa and I can use one of those.  We do that from time to time and it is a good reminder of the enjoyment from just being a couple.  Thankful to have a wife that I do enjoy spending time with and will look to plan a brief couple overnight escape soon.

I worked at home yesterday as well, since my meeting slate was non-existent.  During lunch, I took Q out of his room and we hiked through the park.  Sun was shining and there were a lot of folks outdoors.  I always enjoy that time of year when people in New England start emerging from their winter cocoon.  Something so simple as the sun shining has such a huge effect on the mood and joyful nature of people.  We had a pretty decent hike and talked a lot while we did, as is usually the case.  Grateful for time with my awesome son and for the simple pleasure of the other awesome sun.

4/17/19:  Yesterday, I was looking back at my earlier blog posts here in an attempt to figure out when exactly I had started the pushup habit I’ve been working on.  I figured out the start date was 3/23.  For some reason, dates, numbers and milestones are part of my DNA and I feel a need to keep track of stuff like that.  In any case, I realized that I have really never gone back and used this journal as a place to learn about myself retroactively.  Meaning, I’ve never re-read earlier entries to see what I was doing or feeling at any given point.

I wound up going back to the beginning and reading the entire history and it was kinda cool.  It reminded me of all the things that I’ve captured here and a lot of memories of gratitude.  In typical fashion, it also made me think of a ton of things I never did write about, for whatever reason.  I didn’t start this as an attempt to journal about every detail of my life, so by definition, a ton of things simply aren’t captured.

I’m super thankful that I have been able to develop this habit and that I am also learning from it.  There are patterns of highs and lows, when it comes to health and consumption.  The pattern also shows my ability to bounce back and reset myself, for which I am super proud.  And grateful.

4/16/19:  Watched the Bruins lose to the Maple Leafs last night in game 3 of the opening series.  As evidenced many times in this diary, Boston sports fans have been more than blessed.  Even though they lost I enjoyed the game.

I also had lunch with my work friend Ecem.  She is a super cool chick that I enjoy spending time with.  We talked about life, relationships and families.  I really enjoy getting to know people in general.  She’s Turkish and participates in MMA style fighting, as well as super fit, educated and driven at work.  Grateful to have people to learn from in my life.

4/15/19:  Helped Lisa out by doing the grocery shopping after work yesterday.  We usually go on the weekend but were super busy and didn’t have time.  My work schedule has been light lately, so I offered to take care of it.  I actually kinda enjoy the process of selecting what foods will come into our home and take pride in choosing healthful options, bypassing most of what’s on offer.  It’s a tangible reminder about our ability to make little choices that have a big impact.

4/14/19:  Had breakfast with Danielle Walsh on Saturday morning to talk about Rawkstars.  She is an old friend from Upromise, where we worked together and became close.  She is helping me shape the product concept for our 2.0 approach.  It was super cool to reconnect with her personally and as usual, I leave these sessions feeling a tiny bit more clarity about the ideas and approaches.  Grateful to have such cool/smart people willing to help me and to spend time with talking.

Heavy Mellow rehearsed yesterday for the first time in a few weeks.  Rusty, but we spent some time tinkering on 2 songs in particular and it felt productive.  Always pumped when those guys are around and for connecting through music with cool friends.

Saturday, I had an ‘interesting’ encounter with my tenant Bob, at Azalea.  I had dropped off a dishwasher earlier in the week and scheduled the plumber to install it Saturday morning at 8:30.  I texted Bob a few days ahead of that so they would be ready.  When we arrived, they were sleeping and his wife said she didn’t know we were coming.  She asked for a few minutes to get ready, so we waited outside.  Bob emerged shortly after and was ranting and raving.  He was really angry, swearing and raising his voice to me.  Several times he mentioned that I was ‘disrespecting’ him and that I couldn’t just come by whenever I wanted.  When I tried to show him the text message I sent (which he had also replied to) he didn’t want to hear it.  He wouldn’t even look at it and continued to rant and curse me out.  After a minute or two of this, I told him we were going to leave and I was sending the plumber home, which I did.  Not sure what is going to happen with this, now that we have open tension between us.  I think I am going to engage a management company to take over the interactions with Bob going forward.  We certainly will not be renewing his lease when it expires, and I only hope he treats the home well while he is still there and continues to pay rent on time.  This is the side of landlording everyone talks about but until now, I have never experienced.  It’s hard to frame this in terms of gratitude, but since that’s what I am supposed to be writing here, I’ll say that I’m thankful it didn’t escalate more and that I was able to remain fairly calm in the face of a pretty stressful interaction.

4/13/19:  Last night we hooked up with Doug and Sue Kast for dinner.  We met at our place for a few drinks and laughs, then went out for BBQ.  It was nice to hang with another couple, as we haven’t done much of that in a while.  Those guys are easy to hang with and it was a really enjoyable night.  Grateful to have a few friends that we can share time with.  I also was able to have a night where I overindulged a bit, without fear or beating myself up.  I ate too many calories, though still made a solid choice by ordering a whole fish entree.  I also had a couple beers and am not regretful whatsoever.

4/12/19:  Had a great meet-up over coffee with Rick Santos yesterday.  We talked about the store again, after we initially connected about a year ago.  He and Robin are getting closer to retirement and we mutually have an interest in seeing if there is synergy for us to buy the business from them.  I’m always looking for something more meaningful when it comes to ‘work’.  I’m grateful that I’ve had lots of career/financial success and there is plenty to be thankful for.  That said, I never envisioned myself working in corporate America, as I have for about 20 years now!  I always thought that after music and technology stints, I’d have one last run at a career in my lifetime.  We are going to touch base again soon and see if there is a bit more info to bring us to a next step.  Cautiously optimistic.

I also had lunch with old friend Matt Gilman.  We went to High School together and he recently started working at Hasbro.  We connected about family, running and of course work.  He told me that when we were kids he always thought I was one of the smartest guys in our school.  Flattering and unexpected, especially considering how ‘different’ I was from Matt back then.  Thankful for the human connection and spending time with someone from my past.

4/11/19:  Bella left for her HS Disney band trip last night.  She’ll be gone for 5 days and they are visiting all the theme parks.  I’m grateful we could afford to send her and that she will have a nice chance to connect with her senior class band friends one more time before graduation.

4/10/19:  Spent some quality time yesterday polishing up my project doc for Rawkstars 2.0.  I’m working on writing up the project and budget for launching the new platform.  I got some good feedback a few weeks ago from Dave Y. and it took me until now to incorporate it to a point I was happy with.  We are going to meet for lunch next week and review again.  My hope is that we can submit officially for a grant through the foundation he is on the board of.  It would really bolster our progress and add strong energy to have some financial backing to get where we want.  We are riding a fine line of paying for current students and I don’t have any short term fundraising plans in place.  Felt good to be productive.

I also spent a few hours creating a future budget for Rawkstars and what it might look like if I were to work full time for the company.  It was a good exercise for several reasons and it made me feel like that future may be doable in this lifetime.  I would need roughly 2,100 subscribers in the base to pay myself a solid salary and have enough funds to run the business in support of 50 full time students.  Whether I have the drive to achieve that remains to be seen, but it was a positive exercise in putting my thoughts down around what this might resemble on the financial side.

4/9/19:  Grateful for the simple chance to start over yesterday, and everyday.  After 13 consecutive days of the 100 pushup routine, I fell off Friday.  It was really just a result of bad planning.  I didn’t perform any during the afternoon as I typically would have and we wound up going out after dinner and I basically forgot.  Once we got home it was really late and I was unmotivated so I skipped them.  Life happens, whether its pushups or eating a bad meal or whatever.  The beauty is that once I woke up Saturday, I made sure to get my pushups in.

4/8/19:  Hectic, but productive weekend.  On Friday, Lisa and I went to see Raw Deal in Marshfield.  Was nice to see our old friends perform and Dave, Doug, Sue and some others were there as well.  The band were solid and had a playful vibe, which was refreshing.  Felt good to support Jim and the rest of the guys also.

Saturday morning I woke up early and drove an hour away to pickup a used dishwasher for Azalea.  I had to borrow Cam’s truck, and it was nice to connect with him on a small favor.  I dropped it off at Bob’s place and will have our plumber install it this week.  I also have their deck repair scheduled and hope to cross off some other small maintenance tasks he’s been asking me about.

Saturday night, I drove to Worcester to see Baroness with Dennis.  It was really cool to connect with him after many years of not really hanging out.  Grateful to have some old friends that I can still enjoy time with occasionally, even after long periods of inactivity.  Band was great and I ran into Amy Discuillo at the gig, which was also awesome.  Always loved her and hardly ever get the chance to see her.

Sunday morning, woke up early again and drove to Worcester for ‘Accept Assumption’ with Bella and Lisa.  Bella made her college choice and it was nice to see the place once again and confirm some things.  I’m going to need to cover the deposit this week and figure out the details of paying for her first year.  Despite my feelings about the college industry in general, I am genuinely grateful to at least be able to get her started on the path and cover her first year of expenses.  I know she will thrive and kick ass at the school, and I’m hopeful it will help her take another step towards happiness on her journey.

In between all these things, I managed to rake most of our yard and seed/fertilize.  Our lawn was ravaged by grubs and drought last year and really became damaged.  I’ve never been great at lawn care but always took pride in at least keeping it decent.  I’m hoping the energy I put into it will help it recover and return to a modest level of health.  I’m grateful to have had the energy and motivation to work on it and connect a tiny bit with the outdoors, after a long, dark, cold winter.  I don’t have any machines and do everything basically with manual labor.  I am lucky to be able to physically handle the effort required, even though it takes a lot out of me.

4/5/19:  Received an email from a girl named Amanda yesterday.  She is a grad student at BU with a degree in music education.  She was looking for summer/internship possibilities with Rawkstars.  It was really cool to get such an inquiry and I was super impressed by her resume and website.  She had so much passion for music and really expressed it in her documents.  I don’t have an inkling of how we might do something together but I reached out to her because it felt right.  I offered to meet for coffee and see if we can spark some ideas about a project.  Perhaps something she could simply lead herself and I could help shape and finance?  I was so very grateful for her note and even shared it with my co-worker and friend, Vicky Gelinas, who also has a super musical daughter pursuing a degree.  Very moving.

Weighed in at 229 again this morning.  Managed to stay in the same space as pre-vacation, even with my indiscretions last weekend.  It’s nice to know my body can respond and that I can also get myself back from the abyss mentally.  I had a solid week of eating and preparing food again and aim to keep it going through this weekend.

Made some progress yesterday in scheduling some work at the Azalea condo.  Been stalling a while on getting the deck fixed up as well as a new dishwasher.  Made plans yesterday to cover both items this coming week.  Grateful to have something in place to cross those items off my todo list.  Also thinking about hiring the contractor (Bill) to do some maintenance down in Providence.  I want to keep that place in good shape and I’m thinking about some flooring and a new railing for the stairway.  Grateful to have the resources to cover that and to have both properties working for us financially.

4/4/19:  Met a great young woman (Veronica) and her mom (Meg) yesterday through Rawkstars.  I gave Veronica a guitar and will be working to set her up with lessons in the next few weeks.  She told me a story about suffering through depression for a few years and having a life changing experience going out to see a live band.  She seemed very genuine and sweet.  She has some experience playing flute and seems very self-motivated musically.  Veronica and her mom have a real bond through seeing live bands and being part of the local music scene.  I was extremely grateful to be able to provide a small bump for Veronica to get involved with music even more deeply.

Played a bit with Chuck and Ant last night working on some small parts for our songs.  It’s been great to get together with them separately a couple times since we started the band.  Every bit helps me improve and I enjoy connecting with them in their home.

4/3/19:  Had a nice burst of creative thinking/energy yesterday.  I’ve paid more attention to my morning meditation the last few days as I noticed it had been uneven for a couple weeks, before/during/since vacation.  I used some of the focus to make progress on the requirements doc for the Rawkstars application, as mentioned yesterday.  I made good progress on the doc and recruited a couple friends to help me progress it even further.

Also expended some brain power on creative real estate ideas.  Perhaps not the most ‘productive’ use of time since it may not lead to anything, but it felt good and will take me down some road, which I suppose equates to progress of some sort.

Had a brief email exchange with Rick about his music store.  We had connected with he and his wife last year about the concept of buying the business from him as he approaches retirement.  The talks stalled a bit but as I’ve been thinking lately about career stuff, it came up again.  We are going to connect in person next week for coffee and see what happens.  Regardless of outcome it’s always pleasant to connect with people like Rick and talk business.

4/2/19:  Spent some time working on Rawkstars business yesterday.  Got a little bit of headway on the funding outline I started several weeks ago for Dave Y.  I also had a call with a dev shop about the potential application build we would need to facilitate the new programming approach.  Both items have been stagnant, mostly due to my lack of energy.  Grateful to unearth those tasks and make bits of progress against each.  I’ve set an intention for myself today to continue on each path, even just a little bit.

I also had some time with Q last night.  He has been working to learn how to solve the Rubik’s Cube.  He bought one at the mall on Sunday and spent the last 24 hours watching some youtube videos about how they work.  He was stumbling on a few steps towards the end and I helped him get unstuck with a small section he was missing.  He was able to complete it a couple times last night and even wrote up instructions for himself, which helped him memorize the patters.  He is a really smart kid and it made me realize how sharp the brain of a kid can be.  He has a capacity for learning those kinds of details that I simply don’t possess anymore.  Adults have a different kind of intelligence but kids have such a strong ability to learn new skills and tasks.  It’s really wonderful to see him apply himself.

4/1/19:  Grateful that I stayed with my pushup challenge routine through the weekend.  I’ve got 9 days consecutive of 100 pushups per day.  I had a rough couple days of eating having fallen off the Whole30 wagon altogether during Q’s friend b-day party.  We had a huge bag of popcorn, which is one of my absolute faves.  After a couple bowls of that, later in the evening I shoveled in ice cream AND ice cream cake ;/  Continued into yesterday with more popcorn and some leftover pizza from the party.  Looking to reset today and not let the weekend woes consume me.  I’ve had a lot of hard work and positive progress over the last couple months and need to use these opportunities to embrace the struggle and not backslide all the way.

Had a few hours of time with Q as the girls were both working yesterday.  It started out as a nice day with temps around 60.  I convinced Q to drive to Providence with me to walk around and take some pics.  It quickly got cloudy and started raining after we got out of the car at the Point Street Bridge.  We drove over to Thayer St. to get him a smoothie and it began to clear up.  So we walked around that area and through Brown University campus.  It didn’t last super long and we went home after maybe an hour, but it was nice to get some time with him together outdoors.  Love that kid!

3/29/19:  Had some meaningful human connections yesterday, which felt really nice.  I got a super sweet text from an old friend, Jorge.  He’s had it rough the last bunch of years and is suffering from PTSD post cancer and possibly other conditions.  He told me my writing and wisdom meant a ton to him and that he loved me.  Ostensibly, I’m writing for myself, but hearing something like that really felt good.

I also got a note from an old work friend named Lois.  She is a smart, cool chick that I connected with back at Upromise.  She once gave me a really nice Modulus bass guitar that was owned by her brother, who passed away very young, I think from drug related issues.  It’s actually owned by my friend Dave Liolios nowadays and I see him play it occasionally.  She donates to Rawkstsars fairly regularly, but other than that we haven’t really connected.  I emailed her a few days back, as I’ve been making more of an effort to reach out to folks that impacted me whom I’ve lost touch with.  She sent back a nice note, telling me about her circumstances, family, work, etc.  It felt good to ‘hear’ her voice and feel some genuine camaraderie.

Grateful for other people in my life and for making more effort to stay in touch.

3/28/19:  Met up with Rudy last night to chat about the video project.  Went well and I am excited to have a tiny bit of traction on the project.  It was also nice to simply connect in person and talk with someone.  Realizing lately I’m not getting much of that.  Grateful to have someone offer their services to help Rawkstars on its journey.

Finished blog post #13 and put it into the world.  Brings me enjoyment to work on my writing and a sense of accomplishment to publish something.

3/27/19:  Last Saturday I started doing a pushup challenge.  Nothing official, but aiming to do 100 pushups a day.  Yesterday I completed my 4th day and already improved a lot.  On day 1, my max set was 15 and it took me roughly 7 sets to get to 100.  Last night I did 4 sets of 25 and I felt strong.  I think I’m going to stick with this for a few weeks and perhaps add 100 squats to the mix.  Grateful for a good start in trying to develop a new habit.

3/26/19:  Grateful that I spent some time last night writing a new blog post.  I didn’t complete it, but went home with that specific intention and executed against it.  I’ll spend some time today sharpening it.

I connected with some friends regarding Rawkstars projects I’m thinking about.  I spoke with Peter Homan first.  He works as production manager at Great Woods and has supported us by offering tickets for concerts as raffle prizes.  I have some ideas about leveraging that to entice enrollments this summer as well as an idea around live performances I want to ask his advice about.

I spoke also with Rudy Childs about a video project for our homepage and I’m meeting Aaron Fox, another video production friend, next week.  Something I want to focus on is more personal 1:1 connection time with people.  Reaching out to these guys and getting time on their calendars felt good.

3/25/19:  Back at work today after Miami.  Such a strange feeling whenever you return from a trip.  One minute your life has a certain lens and the next it’s back to ‘normal’.  Believe me, I am grateful for my life as evidenced by this scroll.  That said, it’s a normal human experience to experience wanting, desire, regret and the full range of emotions on a daily basis.  I’m grateful to have this position and a great job by nearly every measure.

Yesterday, Heavy Mellow rehearsed again.  It was fun, as usual, and we also had a new experience with some of the new songs.  We are trying a couple of really delicate tunes, “more than words” by Extreme and “Children of the Damned” by Iron Maiden, which we are doing acoustically.  The Extreme song was awkward and I could tell everyone lacked confidence in what we were trying.  By contrast, the Maiden tune sounded powerful, even though we were just feeling our way through the arrangement.  I’m enjoying the process of playing with these guys and learning a bit more about them (and myself) each time.  One beauty of the project is that if a particular song doesn’t come together, we can just scrap it and move on.

3/23/19:  Writing has been uneven lately.  We got back from Miami 2 nights ago.  It was a fun trip, though the weather was not as glorious as we had hoped.  We made the most of it and got a decent amount of beach and pool time in.  We walked a lot and visited a few different areas of the city.  On the second to last day, I found myself in an agitated mood in the early morning.  Not totally sure what was happening, but I felt a bit exhausted trying to manage the daily schedule for everyone.  I’m a planner/control type person, so I generally feel the need to have a plan of attack.  The rest of the family is pretty passive when it comes to this, so that sometimes fuels my need to control/plan things out.  I was also a little sunburnt and perhaps a bit disappointed that the weather hadn’t been as nice as I hoped.  I think all these things led me to being a bit stressed and I became frustrated.  That said, I was able to catch myself before getting too far out of hand and I got passed it within an hour or two.  It didn’t ruin our day and I felt good about being able to see what was happening with my mind and get control of my emotions.

Yesterday, Lisa and I cooked an awesome dinner.  I made whole red snapper, which I have been wanting to do for a long time.  She made a nice side salad of white beans, zucchini, peppers, onions and a light spicy sauce.  So glad to be back cooking our own food.  I do enjoy the occasional restaurant meal, but it needs to be really good quality.  I also cannot eat out multiple times in the course of a few days and not miss home cooking.  Grateful we live in a time when fresh ingredients are available and that cooking is such a joy for both of us.

3/19/19:  Spent the last couple days in Miami.  Today is Q’s 13th birthday!  Weather hasn’t been perfect but yesterday we packed in a day of walking/exploring, pool time, hot tub, watched 40 year old virgin and took an uber to south beach for a taco dinner and some ice cream.  Our condo is a great spot and the kids seem to be enjoying themselves.  Today is rainy and we are going to hit a movie and then see how the weather is later.  Aiming for 2 sunny days tomorrow/Thursday when we plan to explore more of the city and wind up with a full on beach day in Fort Lauderdale before heading home.  Grateful that I can treat my family to experiences like this and that we can spend several days all together.

3/16/19:  On vacation as of yesterday.  We don’t leave until Sunday but I’m done with work for the next 10 days or so.  Spent a couple hours with Q watching Dexter yesterday after our chat a few nights ago.  Made dinner for the family and did a greek salad of chickpeas, peppers, red onion, feta, tomato, black olives, oil and basil.  Enjoying the continuation of keeping healthy eating top of mind.  I weighed in at 229 yesterday, which is about as low as I can recall in many years.  I don’t feel quite as fit as I had a couple years back, when I was exercising more regularly/harder.  That said, my clothes are fitting great and I know I’m at a good place with my size.  Perhaps this will be a tipping point I can use to get closer to 210, where I’d like to aim for.

3/15/19:  Got my bonus check from work yesterday.  Not sure if I mentioned earlier, but this year was lean.  Got far less than expected as compared with the last couple years.  That said, we were able to pay off our credit card in full.  It had ballooned more than usual as we took care of a ton of house related projects in the last year both at home and at the rentals.  We also remodeled our master bathroom and paid for much of our upcoming trip to Miami.  Would be easy to feel slighted and I’ve battled those feelings a bit.  Still, I am grateful to be able to provide such support for my family and to improve our home spaces while managing my debt.

Last night, Quincy and I went out for smoothies.  We drove someplace like 15 miles away and sat and talked for like 30 minutes.  We mostly talked about the shows Dexter and Breaking Bad.  We had some heated debates about the way the shows are written and some of the characters.  He’s a sharp kid, for not even 13 yet.  I think he has insight beyond his years and enjoy being able to counter volley with him in conversations, even though it’s frustrating sometimes (I need to work on this!).  I am genuinely happy to be able to spend one on one time with him and get to know each other more deeply.

3/14/19:  Got a song emailed to me yesterday by Tony Nichols.  He asked me to play bass on an original project that he is putting together.  Beyond flattered.  I spent some time with Tony when I was working in Boston and we would occasionally meet for lunch and catch up on things.  We would talk about real estate, music, sports and life in general.  I got to like him very much personally.  He’s a great guitar player with a super polished rhythm stroke.  He knows how to get great tone and is a prolific songwriter.  The tune he sent me is really cool, but also super fast and out of my realm, style-wise.  It’s a chugging right hand pick type vibe, which is 180 degrees from how I play bass.  The quality of musicians that I’ve been fortunate to play with is humbling, especially given my own relative skill level.  I’m grateful to have been asked and will look to rise to the challenge of learning to play something like that.

Yesterday was the second consecutive day that someone told me I looked great.  At the show on Tuesday, Mike Kane said I looked ‘jacked’ and commented a few times on how thin I was.  Yesterday at work, my friend Nila asked me if I had been losing weight and said I looked great.  Having body issues and emotional connections with food and weight over the years made those comments extra special.  I know focusing on them isn’t healthy either way, but I couldn’t help but smile when hearing it.

‘I also read Michael Pollan’s ‘Food Rules’ last night, which took me only about 30 minutes.  It’s simple, no-nonsense thoughts about food that are super resonant for me.  Good part is that I’ve already been thinking of food in the same terms (mostly) over the last several months.  His philosophy is “eat real food, mostly greens and not too much”.  I could use a bit of work on the ‘mostly’ greens part.  I do eat a lot of veggies, but I still eat meat at roughly half of my meals in a given week and also as a snack sometimes.  I could also sharpen my portions, especially at dinner.  That said, I’m happy with where I am and will never be perfect, nor strive to be.

3/13/19:  Went to see Y&T last night with Jim.  We also met up with Mike Kane.  Been a Stoughton old-friend-fest the last few nights.  Y&T is always a super fun rock show and last night was no different.  First time visiting the venue in New Bedford and it’s a solid place to see bands.  Nothing fancy and a pretty bland vibe, but it’s close to home, has reasonable production, and easy sight lines.  Was really cool to hang with Jim and Mike and catch up a bit.  Mike told me several times how good and fit I looked and that felt really nice.  On the musical side, Y&T are one of those bands that I can really let myself go while watching.  Meneketti is such an underrated musician.  Was the first time in a while I shot some pics and got maybe one decent shot.  Felt good to do that a bit as well.  Grateful for old friends and new memories in and around music.

3/12/19:  Lisa’s band played on Saturday night.  It was their first show with Tom on drums.  They absolutely killed it.  I’ve seen them a few dozen times and it was probably the best energy I ever heard from the band.  The room was packed and we saw a ton of old friends.  Gorilla Cookies opened the show, and they haven’t gigged in many years, so they brought a lot of people out to the show.  Both bands were excellent and it was a great bill of cohesive bands performing to a crowd that fed the vibe back to the band.  I saw a ton of 02072 folks and it was really nice to catch up with some of them.  Lisa was of course super happy and everyone couldn’t stop talking about how incredible she was, which was also very true.  I’m grateful she got some well deserved accolades and that her band channeled the energy so well.  I think having Tom play with them is actually going to be an upgrade for their sound, though they will have to acclimate the band to suit his style a bit, since his drumming is quite different and he doesn’t sing.

Yesterday, we had rehearsal #3 with Heavy Mellow.  It went ok, though not as productive as the last round.  We started in on one new song and listened to 2 others.  I’m extremely happy everyone seems to be digging the songs, vibe and sound of what we are doing.  I’ve enjoyed the mixing aspect a bit and trying to tweak the PA a bit each time we connect.  I also played my 76 Jazz, which is something I hadn’t previously been doing.  Aiming to get more comfortable on that bass since I don’t want it to simply be a show piece.  As always, grateful for so much music in my life.

3/9/19:  Spent a bunch of time yesterday working on a family budget, with Lisa.  I reactivated my Mint account, which has been stale for years.  I got all of my online accounts connected so I can view our entire financial profile.  We then took a few hours and created budgets for all the income/expenses we could think of.  We’ve had a run of 3-4 years during which we really haven’t had to worry much about our spending.  We always had reserves to cover ourselves and keep the debt from mounting.  This coming year, things are going to tighten.  My bonus from Hasbro is taking a big hit, due to company performance.  We also burned through all the reserves we had, mostly buying big ticket items for the house and our real estate investments.  It actually felt good to spend some time thinking through all of this and coming up with a strategy.  I always enjoy thinking about finance and trying to plan.  I’m grateful we had such a long stretch of time where money wasn’t really an issue and I’m also glad to have the opportunity to instill some discipline moving forward, so we can remain in a good place financially and take care of the family.

3/8/19:  Low key day.  I took some time to practice and learned Dogman by Kings X.  One of my favorite bands and hoping to add this to the Heavy Mellow setlist though the band tunes way down to fucking C!  We are supposed to rehearse this Sunday and the weekend is gonna be busy overall.  Lisa’s band is playing Saturday night for the first time in months, and with their new drummer Tom.  Fates is in town Sunday with Queensryche and I’m planning to go hang with everyone.  HM is slated to rehearse Sunday morning, assuming everyone is still up for it after Saturday night.  Jim’s band is opening for Moonstruck.  Should be a good crowd and heavily 02072 slanted.  Thankful for music, as always.

3/7/19:  Amazing what a difference a day makes.  I reflected a lot yesterday on the talk I had with Lisa.  I felt the typical resentment, defense and tendency to tell myself stories about what was happening.  I was able to feel that, get passed it and come back to embracing the feedback, in an effort to improve our relationship.  There’s no doubt it’s the most meaningful thing in my life and if she is feeling a certain way, then it’s a real thing, regardless of why it’s happening.  I think I’ve had too much on my plate the last few months and haven’t done a good job of focusing on the limits of my energy.  Too little has been focused on the family relationships, and with Lisa in particular.  I’m grateful we fought about it, since otherwise, it wouldn’t have come out and I might have continued unaware.

I also weighed myself and checked in at 230, the lowest I have weighed in probably 4 years.  I know it’s temporary and I want to get away from the scale as a measure of my health.  That said, taking a moment to acknowledge the improvement over the last 6 weeks feels warranted.  I wore my ‘skinny shirt’ to the office today and I feel pretty darn good.

3/6/19:  Rough one today.  When I started writing this over a year ago, I was hoping it would be an exercise in gratitude and help me build a habit and pattern of thinking to look for the positive.  It has.  There are some days when I have to stop and think a bit but many days it’s easy, even when things haven’t been obviously positive.

Lisa and I have been in a bit of a ‘fight’ lately.  Our fights are generally a brief crescendo of angst, followed by some period of quiet, before we come back to the table and talk.  Similar circumstance here and yesterday was the night we circled back to clear the air.  In a nutshell, Lisa told me in no uncertain terms that she feels disrespected.  That I don’t listen to her.  Moreover, as we talked more, she began to describe the fact that I make her feel like she adds no value and ‘can’t do anything’.  She described several aspects of my life that are seemingly beyond her purview or that she feels she doesn’t contribute to.

It hurt like a motherfucker.  To hear someone I’ve been deeply in love with for 30+ years say those things about me is one of the worst scenarios I can think of.  I weakly apologized a couple of times, but really didn’t know how to respond, given the breadth of her statements.

Couldn’t sleep.  Feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut and questioning wtf I’ve been doing with my life.  The only real friend I have and person I love more than anyone expressed that I basically make her feel useless :/

In the context of this writing, my perspective is that I am grateful it came out.  Grateful that it’s now on the table and that I have some opportunity to turn things around.  Rubber, meet road.

3/5/19:  I’ve been slightly ill the last 36 hours or so, battling some stomach cramps and aches.  I think it’s a result of eating too much cheese on Sunday.  I am literally coming off Whole3o and haven’t had any dairy or processed food for 5 full weeks.  I had some jarlsberg cheese the night before and then for brunch I had 2 bagel halves, both slathered with chive cheese.  I started to feel queasy that afternoon and spent most of the last day+ resting.  In a way, I am grateful that my body is reacting to the change of eating and telling me to slow down.  I’m definitely grateful to be able to listen to it and I’ll be more mindful about re-introducing foods in the coming days and weeks.  Stomach ache aside, completing the Whole 30 has been great.  I definitely dropped a chunk of weight. and my face, clothes and body are noticeably slimmer.  I still haven’t had alcohol and am thinking I’ll continue on that at least until our trip to Miami.  I kinda like the idea and feeling of not drinking (mostly 🙂 and would like to lessen my alcohol consumption moving forward, limiting myself even more than in the past.  It’s not that I don’t care for the feeling of being buzzed, cause I do!  It’s more about the after effects it has on my eating and the fact that I’ve spent a majority of my life that way, and trying out the sobriety angle for a while might be a cool change in perspective.

3/4/19:  Had the fam over yesterday for my mom’s (and Quincy’s bday).  We made brunch and spent the morning cooking eggs, bacon, sausage and home fries.  My mom brought Jewish bagels and lox, which is a treat for me.  Few laughs, typical of when our family gets together.  There’s always an undercurrent of animosity in the group and Ben lashed out at Dick at least once, which livens things up for the kids.  I’m grateful that my mom seemed to enjoy the gathering.  She deserves some peace and love and I know it makes her happy for a brief while.

3/2/19:  Yesterday I received a package in the mail from Jeff Crocker.  He’s an old music friend who lives down in Florida.  I first met him back in the Deringer’s days, when I was mixing there.  He had a band called Sick Phyllis with another friend of mine Bob Cushman.  They were really great and one of the first local bands I mixed playing a more stripped down, single guitar, alternative rock sound.  They were all strong players and writers and were super fun to mix as a sound guy since they didn’t overplay and left room for each other.  I did several gigs with them and we all became friends.  Jeff was their bassist.

In latter years, I asked those guys to play the Deringer’s reunion show I put together in 2013 and we all rekindled a bit.  Jeff came up from Florida and turns out he had done pretty well for himself doing some kind of sales gig for a wine distributor.  In the last few years, he’s made some super generous donations to Rawkstars and been very supportive.  We’ve texted and connected over music sporadically and I consider him a friend, even though he lives far away.  He even travelled here for the Narrows event a couple years back.

Fast forward to yesterday, when the package came.  I opened it and it had a note that said he was starting a new tradition.  On his birthday, he was going to make a donation to Rawkstars and also send me some music that was meaningful to him, that he thought I might dig.  He said he was honored to know me and that music had also saved his life, as it has mine.

He included a CD of Duke Ellington, Mingus and a drummer I didn’t know playing a live set of jazz.  It included a typed story about the recording which was quite cool to read and moving.

It also had a check for $1,000.

The donation would have been super nice on its own, but the note he sent and the thoughtfulness around the CD selection was truly magical.  I listened to the CD as I made homemade spaghetti sauce for the family last evening.  I am absolutely blown away that someone was moved to do something that nice for me and for Rawkstars.  It really made a huge impact on me and it’s something I plan to adopt for myself.  I am filled with joy and gratitude for having crossed paths with Jeff and the human connection we made.

2/28/19:  Last night Taunton High hosted an open house for incoming 8th graders.  Bella and Cam volunteered to take Quincy.  They picked him up and spent the night walking him around the school and helping him signup for several clubs.  Cam convinced him to at least consider the cross country track team and he even professed interest in the drama club!  I know if Lisa and I had taken him, he wouldn’t have opened up so much.  It’s awesome to see the kids taking Q under their wing a bit.  He looks up to Bella (and Cam!) and it’s a really cool dynamic to see in your own kids.

Separately, Quincy had issues with his computer.  It’s got some hardware problem where it won’t boot.  I think it’s related to the power supply, but in any case, he was unable to use it.  He had been planning some big video production as the new Fortnite season launched.  He was really upset, after spending a couple hours solid trying to get it working.  He googled the symptoms and had the housing all opened up.  He took out the video card, cleaned everything and really worked to sort out the problem.  Ultimately, he couldn’t get it sorted out and was literally in tears at the end of the night.  He was starting to pile on himself and expressing that the universe was against him, since it crapped out at the least opportune moment.  I talked to him about not telling himself those kinds of stories and how that is the minds way of making associations that aren’t helpful.  I then heard him wake up super early this morning.  After I showered and got ready for work, I heard him in his bedroom making a video!  He wasn’t able to get the computer working, but setup his xbox and old school video camera and did the next best thing.  I was so proud of him for pushing through the challenge and coming up with something to resolve it.  Grateful that he is such a smart, loving kid and that he demonstrated such maturity in the face of something so upsetting.

2/27/19: Yesterday was my 30th day on the Whole 30 plan.  I’m really proud of myself.  I am not typically interested in radically changing my eating plan, but I was in a place of struggle and needed to take the leap.  I also wanted to prove to myself that I could actually get through 30 days of clean eating and live with that kind of discipline.  I definitely feel better and dropped around 10lbs.  I don’t want to rule myself with a scale and my body composition has changed in the last few years.  So my current weight (233) feels a bit heavier than it did a couple years back.  Grateful that I have tools in my box to continue to work on my health and that I can emotionally prioritize it.

Also, yesterday Lisa and I met with Kyle Farmer, a new Rawkstars student.  He is 10 years old and plays drums.  He came to our attention through Rick’s Music, where he and his 2 brothers have been taking music lessons many years.  The family fell on hard times and his grandfather passed away.  The grandpa was a huge source of music for all 3 boys and performed for years with and separately from them.  He had been paying at least some of the lesson costs for the family.  The mom also lost her job and continuing to pay for 3 music students per month became impossible.  His dad seemed really cool and is a 19 year veteran of the Brockton Fire Dept.  He also wore a Clutch hat, which made me smile.  I am so genuinely blessed and filled with gratitude to be able to help support people like this.  They were clearly so very deserving of some help and Kyle seems genuinely passionate about music.  I feel extremely lucky to be the conduit through which others can help people like this.

2/26/19:  After all the excitement of the prior day, Bella and I went to Taunton court yesterday to file the harassment order.  It was quite a frustrating ordeal, with typical government inefficiency.  Eventually, after much ado, we saw a judge and got the order officially filed.  I was proud of Bella and was happy to help comfort her and walk her through a process like that, which she will surely encounter in her life.  After spending the first half of the day dealing with that, I got home and did some follow up painting in the bathroom.  It was nice to unplug and do something meditative for a bit.  I finished one wall in a new gray color, and am much happier with the outcome than the prior paint job.  I’ll work this week on finishing the rest and grateful for the improved look.

2/25/19:  Whew.  Lots to discuss today.  Yesterday was rehearsal #2.5 for Heavy Mellow.  It went extremely well and we sounded 10x better than jam #1.  Everyone seemed energized and it’s coming together really well.  The room sounds good and we worked on a lot of small dynamic elements, which made the tunes come to life.  Grateful to play (again!) with such talented musicians and people with solid human energy.

I posted on FB about the donation we made to Rich and folks loved it.  Tons of positive response and it felt nice to have so many RS supporters acknowledge the use of those funds.  I’m glad we were able to help him out and please our donor base.  Hopeful that will help everyone remember what we are about as we convert to the subscription model later this year.  It will be a huge accomplishment to get ourselves to a level where the organic fundraising becomes an addition to our monthly base, instead of the main source of funds for RS.

During the afternoon, Bella texted me and I could tell something was on her mind.  She came home from work and when we finished rehearsal, I went to talk with her in private.  She told me a story about this former High School kid who graduated a few years back and tried to connect with her across social media.  He pinged her on FB, Twitter and IG in an effort to ‘friend’ her.  She didn’t respond and eventually blocked him.  Yesterday morning, her friend who works at the other Subway location called her and said a guy was just in there asking for Bella.  B asked what he looked like and it sounded to her like the kid from online.  She was definitely spooked and locked the door at the store.  She said business was dead and she was in the back room mostly watching out front, when a few hours later, his car pulled up.  She recognized it because her friend mentioned him driving a blue Honda.  She bolted into the back room and called her friend and asked her to call the police, which she did.  Bella said the kid came in the store, though she stayed put in the back for a few minutes until the cops arrived.  They took the guy outside and questioned him, etc. and told Bella she could file a harassment order to prevent him from coming near her.  While this scared the crap out of all of us, I was so proud of Bella for how she handled things.  She is so mature and has such a good instinct about people, she was able to diffuse anything before it escalated.  My instinct tells me he is just an awkward kid, who saw a pretty girl and wanted to connect with her.  That said, I want her to feel safe and of course be protected.  We went today to court and filed the order, and my hope is everything blows over uneventfully.

2/24/19:  Yesterday, Lisa and I went to meet Rich.  He’s the Navy veteran of 20+ years that was in need of an instrument.  I mentioned being contacted by his fiancee below and after a few weeks of email correspondence, we connected.  It was nice to deliver the instrument to Rich and meet him in person.  Atypical of the usual Rawkstars student, it was really sweet to connect with him and hear some of his background.  He appeared healthy and fit, contrary to the visual I had in mind after hearing from Cathy and I was happy to meet him.  I am so grateful that events like this are semi-regular occurrences for me, based on running the charity.  I am blessed beyond belief at being able to impart joy to others in the form of music, due to the ongoing support of hundreds of donors.

We attended a party last night ‘F-U Winter” at Bob and Dawn Rochleau’s place.  It was a gathering of music types and they are a fun couple.  We saw some people we haven’t seen much lately, which was nice.  I was able to remain in control of my eating and drinking, which was also nice.  It’s something I’ve always struggled with and seeing that I can be in that environment without losing myself in food/drink and still have a good time connecting with people and laughing is an awesome demonstration to myself.

2/22/19:  We had Cam over for dinner again last night.  It was a nice, simple evening of family and food.  We had some laughs and watched a little TV afterward.  Quincy definitely likes having Cam around, which is sweet.  Bella opened up (slightly!) about college and it seems like UMass Boston is off her list.  Still awaiting UConn and Amherst to answer.  She indicated she doesn’t believe UConn is realistic, because of the admissions and probable cost.  Gut instinct is telling me she is currently deciding between Assumption and URI, with Amherst still possible, pending their decision.  Grateful for the family time we had and that Bella is in a good position to make her decision.

Came across a super old pic of Red and Mrs. Rollo last night on my phone.  I texted it to Red, knowing he would get a kick out of seeing it.  We briefly chatted back and forth and he told me it made his day.  Little things like that make such a huge impact on people and by extension, the world.  I’m thankful that I’ve always been able to instinctually think that way and make very personal connections with people over the years.  I don’t have many super deep friendships, but am blessed with tons of this type.

2/21/19:  Learned Children of the Damned by Iron Maiden last night.  I had been listening to songs during the afternoon to add to the ‘Heavy Mellow’ idea list, including this one and Hallowed Be Thy Name.  Lisa was out at band practice, Bella was working and Q had a sleepover.  So I found myself alone.  Cranked up the space heater in the bedroom and hunkered down with my bass.  It felt good to be able to slowly put together the parts and play through most of the song after maybe 30 minutes.  Grateful for having time alone and for making it valuable.  It’s motivating when you make progress with music and feel yourself just a tiny bit better than when you started.

2/20/19:  Rehearsed separately with Chuck and Anthony last night.  I brought my bass over their place and we walked through some details of the songs we tried out at our first jam.  It was really fun and we worked out some finer points which made a huge difference.  Chuck (and Ant!) are both excellent players and in short order I’m already learning from both of them.  I was thinking that 2 hours was the best part of my day and how alive I felt.  I’m hopeful that after this coming weekend we can get a regular pattern of rehearsals, perhaps every other week.  Grateful to be working on something new musically, learning from and playing with new people.  I like the direction of the songs and look forward to seeing how we develop together.

2/19/19:  Sent out a Rawkstars program survey over the weekend.  Jack and I worked on it in an effort to learn more about our existing subscribers.  We had about 50 respondents and I was grateful for the fact that folks took the time to give us their input.  The idea is to really narrow down the personas of who our supporters are so we can tailor our messaging and business model to best service them.  It’s an exciting time for the company and although things are moving slowly, they are moving, for the first time in a while.

2/18/19:  Lisa, Bella and I visited Assumption College yesterday.  We took a tour of the campus in the morning and I really liked it.  In the afternoon, Bella had a tryout for their chorus program, for which they have potential scholarship money available.  The school has a small enrollment (2,000) but I thought it had a larger campus feel.  It was also nice, but not overly grandiose.  Hopeful they offer Bella some $ in addition to the merit scholarship she already received.  It would make an attractive choice at that price.  Grateful we are on the journey together with B and that she is such a talented student.  She has several great options in front of her and while she moves on to the next phase of her life, I am proud of all her accomplishments.

At night, Lisa and I watched the penultimate episode of True Detective, Season 3.  It’s an absolutely brilliantly acted and written/directed show.  We truly live in the golden age of tv where great art is being made regularly.  I’m thankful for being able to watch shows of this caliber and to be inspired by them.  I hope to someday be involved as part of a project with that level of excellence.

2/17/18:  Yesterday Lou and I stayed behind to make breakfast for everyone, while the others went to the gym/pool.  It was cool to connect with him personally for a couple hours and cook for everyone.  Later, we went out and hiked around their lake, which is huge.  We bundled up and the sun was strong, so despite the cold temps, we felt warm.  Liam and Sophia took out the ATV’s and drove Bella and Q around, which was awesome.  While walking, we met up with a couple of their neighbors, who had snowmobiles.  We took turns riding them, which was really fun.  I felt alive all day while we were out in nature, feeling cold and the sun at the same time, and driving the vehicles around the lake.  So grateful for the chance to do that and to see the kids having such fun also.  Later, we went back to the house and Lisa and I made dinner for everyone.  Their neighbors also came over to eat with us and we had a large table filled with adults and kids alike.  Quincy really opened up and told his Logic rap story, which everyone loved.  He was more conversational and engaged than he used to be in a group setting.  I was really proud of him and happy to see him come out of his shell a bit.  He definitely looks up to Liam, who is both hysterical and gentle at the same time.  Lou, Trish, Liam and Sophia are all such cool, grounded people.  We are truly blessed to be friends with them and to have not only stayed in touch for 33+ years, but grown together as individuals and families.

2/16/17:  We drove up to Lou and Trish’s new house in Maine yesterday to spend the weekend.  The drive was about 2:45 and we took the kids out of school early.  The house is amazing, as expected.  Lou doesn’t do anything half-assed and every detail is absolutely perfect.  We talked, cooked, listened to music and watched The Office, which everyone of course loves.  We also played ‘what do you meme?” which is a card game with super racy language.  It wasn’t something we typically would have done with the kids.  Not that we are overly strict parents, but some of the phrases in the game are super dark and certainly not things you’d generally bring up with the kids.  Still, it was kinda nice to bond with them in a bit of a new way.  They had fun and I was grateful we experienced something new as a family in a positive way.

2/15/19:  Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.  Lisa and Bella both had to work the evening shift, so I took Quincy out to dinner.  Nothing fancy, but it was nice to spend a bit of time with him away from the house and screens.  We had a few laughs and I was able to eat healthfully, even at a so-so local restaurant.  Grateful to have such a loving, healthy, cool son and that our relationship is strong.

2/14/19:  Bi-weekly session with Jack last night and had Bill Smith join us.  He runs an SEO consulting biz and is going to assist in our 2.0 project.  We’re going to get involved with paid search using google adwords.  Rawkstars is now a registered google nonprofit and one of the benefits we receive is $10k per month in adwords credits.  I only know how it works at a super high level so I learned a lot just in our first conversation.  I’m also trying to ramp up efforts on the website project, since we need that front end to coincide with our application work on the back end.  Juggling a lot of priorities and struggling a bit to keep focused on one thing.  Grateful to have some friends who are interested in supporting the project and can lend expertise in areas I am deficient.  Bill is also a great family guy and someone I admired for a long time.  He’s humble, grounded and exudes a quiet self-confidence about who he is and isn’t, similar to Doug Kast.  Connecting with old/new friends is a great offshoot of working on this project the last few months.

2/13/19:  Grateful for my meditation practice.  It’s been a regular habit for me coming on 18 months and has impacted my life in numerous ways.  Digging into Buddhism, combined with the actual practice of meditation and subsequent implementation of the concepts in my daily life have genuinely changed me.  I’m psyched that it’s something I stumbled upon, even if I was well into my 40s before it happened.

It snowed a bit yesterday and Hasbro let us go early.  I had a few extra hours and used it productively.  I shoveled the walk/driveway and it was nice to be outdoors moving, even in winter.  I cooked a nice chicken dinner in the oven, which isn’t my general approach.  I painted the shelf in our bathroom to continue progress on the remodel and I worked a bit on the Rawkstars books, to keep them in shape.  Thankful for the productive time and that I had energy for those activities.

2/12/19:  Still on track with my Whole30 program.  Today is day #16.  I’m feeling good overall and proud of myself for displaying some discipline, after a pretty long stretch of not doing so.  I can tell I’ve dropped a few pounds, but not planning to weigh in until after the 30 days.  We have a weekend trip upcoming to Louie’s new place in Maine, that is going to be a challenge for both eating and drinking.  Grateful for being mindful about my health and even when I fail, I continue to try and make changes for the better, instead of giving up.

2/11/19:  Finished painting the bathroom this weekend.  Things have been upside down the last few weeks since we started the remodel.  We finally picked a color (blue) and I was able to get everything done in 2 days.  We still need to do some smaller parts, like painting and re-hanging the mirror and other decorative tasks, but overall it’s looking great.  Thankful to have the resources to beautify my home and grateful for the physical and mental ability to take care of small jobs around the house.

2/9/19:  I was contacted today online by a local woman named Cathy.  She found out about Rawkstars through a local group on FB, where she was looking for a donated instrument for her fiancee.  She sent me a rather long email about this gentlemen who was a Navy veteran and had a rare form of cancer.  He spent decades in the service performing with various bands and has a long musical history with his family, dating back several generations.  Apparently, he had to sell his gear a few years back to pay for medical expenses and has been without music since.  Specifically, he wanted a hollow body bass, which of course got my attention.  I called Cathy on the phone to talk with her more directly and we had a nice conversation.  She actually broke down and started crying when I told her I would help.  I am truly grateful to be in a position to help people through my work with RS.  The folks who donate every year and make it possible are the ones who make it happen and I am in the lucky position to experience direct contact with the end users.  Blessed.

2/8/19:  Thankful to be able to listen to music all day at work.  Yesterday, specifically, I came across both Jorja Smith and Anderson Paak on NPR Music.  I follow their ‘Tiny Desk’ music series, which features stripped down versions of bands in a library setting.  I’ve stumbled across so many great artists there and am absolutely in love with the audio production on that series.  I am fortunate that my profession allows me to listen to music while I work.

2/7/19:  Had another great meeting with Jack last night about Rawkstars 2.0.  We continue to make incremental progress and I am honestly energized after each of our sessions.  We are working on a program overview to outline our project and potentially submit it to funders.  I also connected with longtime friend Bill Smith, who has started his own SEO business.  As we move towards a donor subscription model, we are going to need to leverage internet traffic and search marketing to attract potential donors and new students to convert in our funnel.  I also applied for google non-profit status which will give us additional (free) tools to continue this journey.  Grateful for the help of so many smart, talented friends in seeing if we can make Rawkstars more impactful to the world.

2/6/19:  Grateful for music.  As much as music is part of my being, I sometimes don’t listen as much as I’d like.  I generally listen to podcasts during my commute, mostly Buddhism, business or storytelling types.  At work, I do music sometimes, but am often up/down and in/out of meetings, so it’s sporadic.  Yesterday, I had a light schedule and found myself digging into youtube in search of tunes for the new project to try and learn.  I continued on my ride home just letting google spin and I listened to stuff I normally wouldn’t dial up on my own.  I felt energized by the experience as I typically do when music takes hold.

2/5/19:  Spent time yesterday working on a project proposal for the Rawkstars 2.0 overhaul.  Last week I had lunch with an old friend, Dave Yuknat, who I worked with at Upromise.  He is on the board of a family foundation that might be able to provide financial support for our transformation.  He gave me some advice about writing up my plans, which in hindsight seems obvious.  I’m hopeful to get my thoughts on paper and work with him to hone the proposal and see if we can get it funded.  That would allow us to accelerate the process greatly as well as continue with our existing students in parallel, without worry about exhausting our funds short term.  I’m 100% committed to our new approach and if I cannot execute the idea, Rawkstars will become a smaller version of itself.  We’ll support just a few kids and projects, so I won’t have to fundraise extensively as I have for the last 15 years.  Grateful for the help of my friend Dave as well as the energy I’ve had lately for RS in general.

2/4/19:  Missed a few days and have plenty to write.  Another season, another championship for Boston.  Last night the Pats beat the Rams in an old school Superbowl game.  It was 3-3 in the 4th quarter which was incomprehensible, for anyone who has watched football in the last 20 years.  I am genuinely thankful to have lived through such an era of greatness in local sports.  It’s brought so much enjoyment to folks I know and myself as well.  The Patriots (Kraft/Belichik/Brady) have done things that others will marvel at long after they are gone.

We mostly finished our bathroom remodel this weekend also.  We still have to paint and decorate, but the construction is complete.  We had a glitch with the plumbing on Saturday which I hope is resolved, but I am even thankful about that.  As a result of some problems, we had to hire a plumber, named Jesse.  He was a great guy and I was happy to connect with him.  I’m certain to need plumbing services down the road, and now I have a trusted contact.  It was also pleasurable meeting Bill and Roy, who did all the heavy lifting on the project.  Our bathroom looks terrific and the house is in much better shape than its been for several years.  It’s a nice feeling of pride in our living space and although our funds are extremely depleted, I can be grateful that we were in a position to tackle such projects.  I don’t take it for granted how lucky we are financially.

Yesterday, I also jammed with my new music project.  Chuck/Anthony Giambusso, Jim Cannon, Paul Lourenco, Lisa and myself.  We ran through 5 songs and it was so much fun.  Despite it being our very first jam together, things came together fairly quickly and easily.  Plenty of rough spots to work on but overall it sounded pretty great for a first run.  I spent some time setting up our space before everyone arrived and ringing out our PA for the vocals.  Doing that always makes me feel good and takes me back to my days doing live sound.  It’s extremely pleasurable for me to put on background music, neatly setup the ‘stage’ how I want it and tinker with the sonic quality of the room.  Our project is going to require more meticulous mixing and visuals and I’m grateful to be working on that aspect.  I’m continually humbled at being able to play music with people that are super talented.  It’s a true blessing to not only know so many great musicians personally, but have them join together in creative ways to make something together.  I think Lisa also enjoyed herself more than expected.  I want her to also have the band as a creative outlet and get satisfaction from it musically, instead of just trying to fit in somehow, as was the case in the last months of Wicked Blue.

1/30/19:  Received an email from a grandmother looking for support on music lessons for her granddaughter.  She was referred to me/Rawkstars by an old colleague, Nick Vecchio.  I met him years ago when he ran the Daddy’s Junky Music store over in Dedham.  I’m grateful to have such amazing connections in the local music scene and that Rawkstars is viewed as an ally to helping people in need.  To think that the charity has resonated enough with our network for 15 years and touched so many individuals is truly humbling.

1/29/19:  Our bathroom project is generating a ton of trash, which is piling up alongside the house.  I have access to a dumpster over at the condo we own, so I filled my trunk with trash and drove over to unload it.

The condo is an investment that we’ve managed for 7 years.  It’s fairly hands-off and the most interaction we typically have are the voicemails we get from the association, or the annual meetings they hold for the owners.  We’ve also mulled selling the condo a fair amount in recent months, to help pay for Bella’s impending college journey, among other things.

Long story short, when I drove over to use the dumpster, I was struck by just how nice the complex is.  It’s always been an attractive development and despite (or because of?!) the tactics of the association, is super well maintained.  I felt a strong source of gratitude in knowing that we own such a beautiful property, and that it’s been such a successful investment for us.

I’m genuinely proud that we have been able to be so productive, with limited resources, to help ensure our financial security now and in the future.  I don’t take time to celebrate those achievements nearly enough.  Last night I did.

1/28/19:  Ramped up a ton on the bathroom remodel this weekend.  Lisa and I spent a lot of time shopping for tile, vanities, fixtures, etc.  We are blessed to be able to beautify our home and afford to funnel resources towards something seemingly extravagant.  It’s been a while since we did any home updating and it’s been a fun experience.

Bella got accepted to URI as well, which is one of her main choices it seems.  So she has Assumption, URI, UMass Boston, Quinnipiac and Bridgewater State in her back pocket.  I don’t think Bridgewater is in her consciousness at all, and I sorta forced her to apply there due to the cost and proximity.  Quinnipiac is far to expensive, imo, and I don’t think is a realistic choice for her.  Seems like all the possibilities are lining up and I’m happy for her to have gotten many offers from schools that I think will be good experiences for her.

1/25/19:  Had a great Rawkstars meeting last night with Jack and Jim Heys.  I asked Jim, who I work with at Hasbro, to come along to discuss the concept of building us an application to enter, view and track all our program participants and activities.  It was a great discussion and I always leave these sessions energized with more ideas.  Grateful that Jim (and Jack) were willing to take time out of their day to provide some energy to the conversation.  Really excited about the potential of where things are headed and it’d been a fun learning process for me the last few months.

1/24/19:  I realized yesterday that my meditation practice has actually become a habit.  That’s not to say I’m 100% perfect, but most days, I am able to get at least some meditation time in without really thinking much about it, pun intended.  It’s become something I just do, typically each morning before I leave for work.  Weekends are more sketchy, as seems to be my pattern with eating and other things.  Grateful that I’ve integrated the practice with my regular daily activities and formed a habit intentionally.

1/23/19:  Had the beginning of the home improvements started at the house yesterday.  Our contractor came and repaired some finish work in the basement, added a drop ceiling to our laundry room, hung some lights in the music area and repaired the exterior doorframe which was rotting.  Over the next few weeks, he’ll be coming back to rehab our main bathroom and take care of some small additional jobs.  I’m truly thankful to have the resources to beautify the house and even if I cannot perform the work myself, it’s nice to be able to make it happen another way.  We take great pride in our home and spend a ton of time there.  It’s fulfilling to maintain what we have and beautify our living space modestly.

1/22/19:  Today, I am grateful for heat.  It’s a simple, but overlooked aspect of modern life.  At least until the temps hit 0 degrees, here in New England.  As the years go by, I am colder each year.  My body has changed a lot in the last 10 years and I am regularly cold, when I didn’t used to be.  On super cold winter days, I am reminded about how fortunate we are to be able to simply raise the thermostat in the house, wrap ourselves in blankets and be warm.  Not everyone has that luxury and I am genuinely thankful for the fact I have such a simple luxury at my disposal.

1/21/19:  I seem to remember writing about the Red Sox’ greatness this fall.  Last night, the Pats advanced to the Superbowl.  Again.  I probably said it then, but it still stands that in 40+ years of following sports pretty closely, there has never been a stretch of greatness anywhere near the Brady/Belichik era of the Patriots.  NFL football overall has slipped to a second rate sport for me in the last 10 years, but I was truly grateful to feel the drama of that game as it unfolded.

I watched alone as Lisa and Q went to see the Impractical Jokers in Boston.  It was one of Quincy’s xmas gifts.  The weather was awful and I know Lisa didn’t want to drive in the city, and I am thankful that they had the experience together and made it back safely.

1/20/19:  Bella found out yesterday that she was ‘deferred’ from early action at UMass Amherst.  She has been waiting for weeks as this is high on her list of desired colleges.  She took the news really well and graciously moved on to seeing the positives from all the colleges who did accept her.  She still has a chance to get accepted during regular enrollment and it’s just another part of the college process that is unnecessarily complex and beneficial only to the schools, not the kids or parents.  Bella really displays an ability to get past news like this quickly.  I’m sure she was disappointed, but didn’t dwell on it for long.  I’m grateful to have such a mature daughter who demonstrates such an advanced set of life skills.

1/19/19:  Did some shopping yesterday with Lisa.  We have a handyman coming by next week to fix a bunch of small maintenance items around the house that I haven’t been able to deal with.  While he’s here, we decided to do a bathroom update.  We are going to replace the shower with a more modern, tiled shower and also update the flooring, paint and perhaps some other things.  We haven’t spent much money on the interior of the house in many years.  It’s served us well but it feels nice thinking about giving it some TLC.  I’m truly grateful that we have such a great home and also the means to keep it in good shape, even if I’m not really handy myself.

1/18/19:  Had a great chance interaction with some of the senior leadership at my company yesterday.  Our CTO stopped me in the hallway and said he has been hearing great things about the work I’ve been doing and is excited to hear more.  As we talked, my area SVP happened by and joined the conversation, reinforcing much of the same sentiment.  It was a really nice affirmation for me, as I have been putting a lot of energy into trying to develop a small team here at the office.  I’ve wanted to carve out a niche for myself here, basically since I started 4+ years ago.  I’ve never been great at navigating the corporate culture and generally have viewed work as a means to an end for several years.  That said, I’ve been looking for more fulfillment in what I do and for a role more suited to my strengths.  This might lead to the chance to have my own small group here and for that I am grateful.

1/17/19:  Making progress with some of my teams at work this week.  Yesterday, I got some technical pieces completed with one of the groups I support.  I don’t get a ton of satisfaction from my day to day gig, but on occasion, I feel like I’m helping them do their jobs better.  Grateful to be in a position to support cool people and be well paid for the service I provide.

Also, watched the new Riverdale with the kids.  It’s a soap opera and not a show I would typically watch.  That said, Bella likes it and it’s one of the few shows we can watch as a family.  I cherish the time together as I know it won’t always be like that for us.

1/16/19:  Took another walk/hike at the park with Quincy yesterday.  We bundled up as it appeared super cold, but once we got out there the sun kept us warm enough to take a bit of a longer stroll.  I worked at home, so it was even nicer than usual to get some fresh air and get outdoors.  He’s a good companion on walks and we always seem to have quality conversation time in that setting.

I worked at home as I had a contractor coming by to review some home repairs.  I met a super nice gentleman named Bill and he is going to tackle a decent punch list of items.  We’ve been in the space for nearly 18 years and haven’t done much on the inside in quite some time.  It was nice to connect with Bill and I am super grateful to have some plans in place to beautify, maintain and even improve our home.

1/14/19:  Met my old friend Darren Lourie for breakfast yesterday.  I sold him one of my basses and we made plans to connect for the delivery.  I’m blessed to have a lot of talented, smart and kind people in my life and I’m making more of an effort to connect with them in the flesh instead of virtually.  We had a nice meal, talked for nearly two hours and it was a really fulfilling experience.  I used the money to buy groceries for the week and gave the remainder to Lisa to pay bills or whatever she needs.  Since I had added a new bass last week, I’m glad that I was able to remove one from my collection.  I want to remain conscious about simplifying and focusing less on accumulating ‘stuff’.

1/13/19:  Got a new FB page up and running for Rawkstars yesterday.  I also started a simple space for this blog.  I published a new post yesterday and it felt good to again, crank something out there.  My writing is slowly improving and most importantly, I’m enjoying the process.  I am going to archive the existing RS group at some point soon so we can start with a clean slate of publishing news about RS 2.0 and getting people to subscribe.  Grateful that my energy level for the work is somewhat elevated and little milestones like this are keeping me motivated.

1/12/19:  Listened to a ton of music yesterday.  Had a slow workday and stashed a few new songs into the pile of possible Shine tracks to learn.  Really excited for my new bass, which I’m loving playing, and it’s keeping me more motivated to learn new songs.  Grateful that my job allows me freedom to listen to music and feel lucky to work there.

1/11/19:  Quincy has been listening to Michael Jackson lately.  He got introduced to “Billie Jean” from a sample that Logic rapped over.  He’s always been into dancing and last night he showed Lisa and I some MJ moves he’s been copying.  He really is a good dancer and tuned into music quite deeply.  Grateful to have such a fun, loving, creative son who is maturing into a fine young man.

1/10/19:  Met with Jack again last night and had a fantastic conversation.  We’re teasing out this concept of leveraging our relationships with the music stores more deeply.  The idea is to limit the variables we encounter when enrolling students by ensuring we partner only with stores that support the program requirements we outline.  It would make billing, attendance and reporting much more doable.  We also want to use the host facilities to help us find worthy kids and families as well as leverage their performance spaces and co-market to their customers.  I think there is a lot of potential in this approach and it was an organic offshoot of our conversation.  Grateful that we hooked up and that I’ve been able to work with someone on these ideas over the last few months.

1/9/19:  Received my new Gretsch bass in the mail last night.  It’s absolutely gorgeous and I love it!  Played beautifully right out of the box and looks even better than the pictures.  I spent maybe 30 minutes with it and am really thankful that I was able to afford something so nice.  I also booked a family vacation to Miami yesterday.  It checks all the boxes of beach, ease of travel, relatively affordable and city oriented.  I think that everyone is going to really enjoy it and again, thankful I am in a position to afford something so luxurious for us.

On a simpler note, I ran out of coffee at my desk and my neighbor, Katy, offered me some of hers.  She is a super generous person (not just with her coffee 🙂 and I enjoy connecting with her at least a little bit each day.  Grateful to have people around me that are genuine, caring and fun to be around.

1/8/19:  Watched the College Football Championship last night.  Game was exciting, at least until Clemson ran away with it.  More grateful about the conversation Lisa and I were having.  We talked about a lot of possible scenarios with regards to our living situation.  We (I) often discuss moving and traveling and changing lifestyle’s.  We thought a bit about what it might look like to live in one of our investment properties, and taking up residence in the Providence condo.  The conversation was fun, but it reminded me about how many options we have and how fortunate we are to have them.  Not sure what the future holds, of course, but it’s nice to think that we could see a scenario where we can live much more cheaply than we do today.

1/7/19:  Weekend plans included a gig down in Providence on Friday night to see some Hasbro friends perform.  It was the first time I had seen any of them play outside of the work events and we had a good time.  Lisa tagged along with me and we went to Oyster Bar afterward, one of our favorite haunts.  Grateful to see live music, connect with friends and have a great meal with Lisa.

Saturday we attended a 50th bday party for Jeanine, who has been in a relationship with our old friend Al Koss, seemingly forever.  We saw some friends and I got to converse and spend time with a few folks I don’t see that often.  Yesterday, I spent the day cooking and taking care of the family.  Made a nice breakfast and used the fast cooker to make pulled pork and rice/beans for dinner.  Cam came and ate with us and brought dessert.  He’s a nice kid and I’m thankful that Bella continues to make good choices in her relationships.

1/4/19:  Took the opportunity last night to do pushups while watching tv.  I’ve done that in the past and told Lisa prior to New Years that it was something I wanted to get into my regular routine.  We watched a new show by The Rock that’s an over the top fitness competition.  During the show, I got up at each commercial break and did 12 pushups.  It felt good and kept me moving.  Grateful that I had the mindfulness to push myself in the moment and take positive action.

1/3/19:  Re-entry at Hasbro yesterday.  It was actually nice to be back in some sort of schedule.  I appreciated having the break and shift in perspective and it also made me more aware of my positive situation at the office.  I also connected last night with Paul Lourenco, about playing some drums in my new incarnation of Shine.  He is going to jam with Chuck, Anthony, Jim, Lisa and I next month and we’ll see how things go.  Once again, grateful at the talented friends I have and their confidence and willingness to play music with me.  Looking forward to trying something a bit different and learning and connecting with some new folks.

1/2/19:  Watched Bird Box with the family last night.  We also had breakfast and dinner together.  It was nice to spend most of the last day of our winter break together at the house.  I am genuinely grateful for the times we have together.  Simple pleasures like togetherness, sharing meals, laughing and just being together are really the best.

1/1/19:  NYE.  Spent the evening with Lisa, Q, Lynne and Jack.  Grateful we’ve become friends with those guys the last year or so.  They’re a good couple who like to have fun and I enjoy connecting with them.  Jack is a successful business owner and I think there is a lot I can learn from him.  Lynne is a successful athlete and I know there are things I can learn from her.  We had plenty of food, of course, and listened to music most of the night.  Sometime after 11pm we started watching the Stooges marathon, which is a New England tradition.  Quincy really liked it and was laughing along with us.  Thankful to have such a loving son with a good sense of humor, and who still enjoys spending time with us.

12/31/18:  NEW YEAR’S POST – As 2018 ends, I figured it makes some sense to recap and look back at just a few of the things I’m grateful for in the past year.

1 — Launched this blog!  Had been thinking about it literally for years and finally took the leap.

2 — Developed a writing habit.  In addition to the 11 posts, I managed to start a (mostly) daily habit of writing in this space.  It’s been gratifying to accomplish this, improve my writing as well as my ability to set and reach goals for myself.

3 — Health remains solid.  While I regularly lament areas of my health that are not ideal, I can’t overlook the fact that I managed a pretty healthy 2018.  No major injuries, illnesses or setbacks.  My weight is in the same ballpark as last year, even a few lbs. down.

4 — It was a good year musically.  WB came to an unceremonious end, but we finished on a high note with probably our best live gig in the few years we performed together.  I learned a lot from that experience and enjoyed it greatly.  I put together mk. 2 of the Shine project and played with an awesome lineup at the most fun live gig I ever did as a bassist. Mk. 3 of Shine is already taking shape and I’m hoping to continue evolving my playing with some new chemistry and personalities involved.  I also put together and finished a cool recording project with Bella and Lisa, that included Jim Matheos on guitar.  Really strong outcome and I’m proud to have completed that project.

5 — Family continued to be a source of joy and support for me.  The kids grew and matured immensely this year and Bella has entered the college transition phase.  She has a boy that she has been spending lots of time with, named Cam.  He seems like a really sweet kid and it’s been nice seeing her happy in that way.  She asked for (and received) a raise at Subway.  She deserved it greatly but I was most impressed with how she handled it and I was happy to be able to coach her through that life lesson.  She also handled a difficult relationship with her former bff, Kearsten.  Quincy built/strengthened some solid relationships with kids like Seth, Cam, Josh, Daris and others.  He’s grown a lot physically as well and is maturing emotionally every day.  He even told me a few times that he meditated 🙂 . He is exceptional in school, and will be transitioning himself to High School this year.  He’s officially taller than Lisa!

Lisa and I weathered some financial storms as we dealt with a series of expenses on the home front and with the rentals.  We bought a new A/C, new furnace, refrigerator, Disney trip for Bella’s band, $2500 towards Randy’s legal bills, gaming PC for Quincy and replaced my car and repaired a foundation crack to name a few. Lisa picked up a part time job at Target, and it’s been helping keep our bills at bay.

6 — Work was a year of treading water, at least until Thanksgiving.  I’ve got some new opportunities ahead and am starting the year fresh with a new boss, department and a bit of motivation to make something happen this year.  I feel better about being at Hasbro than I have in a little while and hope this is the year I make Director.

7 — Rawkstars celebrated its 15th anniversary.  No small feat.  We had our 1st road race and another huge event at The Narrows.  We helped a few new kids and families along the way and kept our existing students humming along.  I’ve got lots of ambitions around the next incarnation of the charity and am entering 2019 with more momentum and energy than I’ve had for it in quite some time.

8 — Travel.  We had to forego our usual winter vacation planning cycle, but I’m happy that we got through the year without increasing our debt.  We managed a family trip early in the year to Playa Del Carmen and a weekend later in the year to NYC.  Bella was able to tag along with me to San Antonio/Austin after I took Q to San Francisco late last year.  Lisa and I took off to New Orleans for a quick getaway and although the weather was awful, we enjoyed some down time together, ate like kings and saw some killer live music.

12/31/18:  Had a nice, mellow day at home preparing food and generally taking it slow.  I spent some time on the computer mapping some of the screens I’ll need for the Rawkstars 2.0 management portal.  It’s an overdue exercise and I’m grateful to have at least gotten started on it.  Watched the Pats game and did pushups as each score happened.  Cooked steel cut oats for breakfast, salad and homemade mushrooms for lunch and my first try using the instant pot with seafood paella for dinner.  Everything was delicious and healthy.  Grateful to have amazing food options all around me.

12/29/18:  Grateful I got to the gym yesterday for a run.  Grateful I spent a few hours last night with my neighbor/friend, Dave Purdy.  We discussed the development of the Rawkstars platform and he’s offering his help in getting something stood up.  Spent some downtime with Quincy and Bella separately, though we didn’t make it out of the house as it poured all day.  I made stuffed mushrooms (finally) and they came out pretty decent.  Discussed my new music project ideas with Chuck + Anthony Giambusso, who both seem into doing it with me.  I also phoned up Jim Cannon, an old singer friend of mine and he also is on board to give it a go.  Thankful to have so many cool friends willing to make music together and put their confidence in my vision.  Need to find a drummer/percussionist next and we’ll be ready to try it on.

12/28/18:  Did a second hike with Q yesterday.  Nice to get out with him again and enjoy the outdoors.  Grateful for the extra time we’ve had together during this break from work.  Enjoyed a second consecutive day of healthy eating and am feeling better.  It’s true that you are always ‘one meal away’ from turning around your health.  Practiced my bass and have a few new songs that are coming together nicely.  Going to begin the process of assembling my next ‘band/project’ and looking to do an acoustic/electric set of classic rock/metal covers with some new folks.  I want it to sound naturally warm and acoustic but have an edge with electric guitars where needed.  Low volume so the vox can really shine with minimal amplification.

Got some productive work done with our basement crack and have the area prepped and scheduled for repair next week.  Expensive, but hopeful it will put an end to the stress of having water seep into the laundry room.  Grateful to have the resources to take care of my home.

12/27/18:  Yesterday, I dragged Quincy out of the house.  He’s a homebody.  I exercised in the morning for the first time in a while and felt like continuing to move.  He argued against it for a while but eventually relented.  It was mature on his part, and I was pumped he decided to come along.  I told him I wanted to go hike at Massasoit Park and get some fresh air.  We bundled up, because it was fairly cold and headed out.  We went out on a new trail and started going up towards Lake Rico lookout.  The sun was setting and it was pretty beautiful, but obscured a lot by trees.  I took a few pics.  As we were coming back around, he suggested we go off the trail and try to get close to the lake edge, where we were throwing rocks.  I kinda hesitated but eventually relented, remembering what he had done earlier.  We trucked down the hill and wound up in the most beautiful spot where the sunset was glorious.  I took a bunch more pics and Q was tossing big rocks onto the ice, to smash it.  It was an amazing example of going with the flow as we both got a bit out of our comfort zone.  We wound up having a really cool experience together and even talked about that aspect in the car.  We then headed over to Starbucks and got hot chocolate and green tea, respectively.  Super grateful and it was probably the best part of my winter vacation so far.

12/26/18:  Spent Christmas day over at the Bentos.  Overate, of course.  Gave the kids some gifts they enjoyed.  We got Q a new monitor for his PC, some concert shirts (wu-tang was his fave :), tix to see Impractical Jokers ‘live’ and some cash.  We gave Bella some clothes, sneakers, makeup, tix to see Waitress and money.  I am indeed grateful to be able to buy things for the kids.  I’m also grateful that they really don’t need anything and seem to understand that there are people in the world who could never buy those things for themselves or their families.  We are all genuinely blessed to have more than what we need and also to share some of it with others.

12/25/18:  Last night was Christmas Eve and we hung out had a nice dinner and then played some board games.  Wits and Wagers, specifically.  It’s fun and anyone can win.  Q knocked over a cup of hot tea I was drinking and I didn’t yell.  I’ve been somewhat on edge lately and struggling with being in a joyful state.  My eating (of course!) has a lot to do with it and I’m continuing to overindulge daily.  Watched a really funny movie with Lisa and Q called Cock Blockers.  Yeah, I know.  It was actually quite hilarious and we all had a ton of laughs.  Grateful to spend time like that together.

12/24/18:  Spent a few hours with Ed Keefe working through setting up a new accounting package.  I’m a bit overwhelmed with trying to sort out a new package that can integrate with other biz apps.  Ed gave me some help and we chatted, ate homemade pizza and got a new chart of accounts and beginning balances all setup.  Grateful when someone offers me a hand.  Collaborating on the business side of RS is something I really enjoy and crave more of.

12/23/18:  Q had a holiday party at the house and invited a bunch of his buds.  Always nice to see him socializing and he seems to thrive when in a group setting.  He bought secret santa gifts for his friends, cleaned the house, made snacks and curated a playlist of course.  Grateful to see him maturing and being such a generous host.  He really has a big heart and genuinely enjoys playing host in situations like this.  Proud of him.

12/22/18: Had a couple beers with Kevin Curran yesterday.  Was a good opportunity to catch up with an old friend who I haven’t seen much recently.  We talked about the kids, music and life in general.  We exchanged Xmas gifts as we have a tradition of doing that.  I gave him an Accept book and he gave me a bottle of tequila, plus a check for Rawkstars.  Always enjoy connecting with someone on a 1:1 level like that and feel like I’d enjoy more of that in my life.

Also delivered a recliner that we bought for Randy for XMas.  I dropped by his place and put it together for him.  He was grateful and it was nice to spend a bit of time with him, even though it was a much less comfortable conversation than described above with Kevin.  I am thankful that we are in position to assist him in some tiny way as he really doesn’t have much in his world.

12/21/18:  Met Aiden yesterday at TJ’s Music.  He’s our newest student and is absolutely cute as hell with an electric personality.  He came down with Roxanne, his teacher, who brought him to our attention.  His mom also came down and was very thankful and sweet.  He ran around the store and fingered dozens of instruments and really seemed to have a ton of energy and excitement about music.  He drew us a picture of himself on stage, which was super sweet.  So very grateful to be able to experience stuff like this semi-regularly.  I also invited Jack down, and he was able to meet the family as well.  I’m thankful for the momentum and renewed purpose around Rawkstars and super excited about continuing on the path towards RS 2.0 over the next several months.

12/19/18:  Sent out blog post #11 yesterday.  Felt good to get back in the saddle in terms of writing/publishing.  Response was much smaller than my last few, but I need to learn to be ok with that.  I want to write for the sake of writing and not for external validation.  Grateful that I got something churned out and that I continue to learn and grow as a result of my effort.

12/18/19:  Resolved the issue with the blog by reinstalling the ‘classic’ WordPress editor.  Not ideal, but at least I am up and running again.  Probably need to figure out how to resolve this, which may involve switching hosts or moving away from WP altogether.  Challenge for another day and grateful that I am adept enough at technology and problem solving to move past it for now.

Had coffee this morning with my old friend Moe.  He’s such a great guy and I genuinely love spending time with him.  The last few years we’ve been meeting this time of year so Rawkstars can make a donation for the Boys & Girls Club that he supports through his work at care.com.  I dropped off a bass amp, some ukes and headphones.  He, in turn, made a generous donation to Rawkstars.  Win-win-win.

Saw Bella in her winter band concert last night.  They are quite amazing and they sounded better than ever.  I think I will miss seeing her perform in this setting after High School, but look forward to seeing her ‘perform’ in other areas of life.

12/17/18:  Last week I started having an issue with my blog and have been unable to write my daily ‘grateful’ blurb.  Of course, I could have written in another space or format, but it derailed me and I didn’t make time to write.  Today, I’m grateful to return to the process and will make notations offline until I can sort out the issue I’m having with WordPress.
As a brief recap, last week I had lots to be thankful for.  Here are a couple things I can recall.
Hasbro had its annual ‘Global Day of Joy’ event, and I again lead a team for Mission Kindness.  It was a bit more challenging this year as I was given leeway to assemble the teams, which was more unruly than usual.  Still, the event was a great success and it culminated in the holiday party that evening.  I connected with a lot of folks during the event and later at the party.
I also had a second touchpoint with Jack, who is all-in on helping me with Rawkstars 2.0.  It was an inspiring conversation and gave me lots of things to think about.  I put pen to paper a bit, which is something I don’t always take time to do.  Grateful that we are already making small progress, even if it’s just conceptual at this point.
Bella has begun to get acceptance letters from college.  She was super happy to hear from UMBoston and Assumption, both of which gave her the thumbs up.  We also seemed to have more personal time together during the week and had several meals together, which is always a bonus.
Attended the Snowball with Lisa, Lynne and Jack.  We had a great time dancing and laughing, at least until Jack overdid the tequila.  I enjoy the vibe of letting loose on the dance floor.  I seem to need alcohol to get me to that place, but it’s a nice view into being joyful that I’d like to emulate, sans alcohol, more often.

12/9/18:  50th bday for our cousin Imran last night at his apartment building in Watertown.  Always grateful for time with the Portuguese family.  They are such a fun, loving crowd.  I tend to overindulge when around them, but managed to (mostly) stay away from the booze (at least).  Mindful eating is near impossible for me when I’m around party spreads.  Grateful that today is a new opportunity to return to healthy form.

12/8/18:  Met a nice gentleman last night as I sold a digital piano on craigslist.  He came to the house and we talked for a while about music and kids, etc.  He downplayed his chops but ran the keyboard through the paces and I thought he was a more than solid player.  Always grateful to touch base with folks I don’t know over the topic of music.

Had a great dinner last night at Al Forno, one of our Providence staples.  Bella came out with us which is less frequent that I might like and it was great to have her along.  We ate a healthy meal of clams in a spicy broth, mushroom/shrimp salad and of course a brick oven pizza they are famous for.  I got myself to the gym this morning to keep from spiraling after a little overindulging/drinking.  Thankful for a pretty open day today and my goal is to get a bit of time on my bass.  Haven’t played since the gig last weekend and I want to keep some momentum going.

12/6/18:  Grateful again for a decent week of eating well.  My exercise has been down but I am feeling solid and putting good things into my body.  My weight continues to be a bit of a surprise, as I clocked in at 234, which is the lowest I’ve weighed in a couple years.  Oddly, I don’t feel quite as light and don’t feel that I “look” that weight.  Not sure if my body is changing or if it’s something mental.  That said, I’m happy to have some momentum towards getting smaller.  As I age my body is less able to handle the drag I’ve placed on it with so many excess pounds.  It’s something I need to get more serious about.

12/5/18:  As mentioned yesterday, I had lunch with Jack.  It was a super positive meeting and I really enjoyed his company.  We talked about my vision for transitioning Rawkstars away from an organic fundraising outfit to something more sustainable and growth oriented.  I get so much energy when I connect with someone who understands and adds valuable insight to this kind of conversation.  I followed up with him last night and am hopeful we can begin working together more formally.  Ideally, he’ll come on as a board member and I can restructure the organization to begin the next phase of our journey.  We also had an amazingly tasty/healthy meal at Garden Grille, my favorite local vegan restaurant.

12/4/18:  Yesterday morning, I got a message from Ted Fischer.  Ted and I became friendly at Hasbro and through Year Up.  He was chairman of the board for YU and a senior exec here at Hasbro.  He left last year to start his own business based on the product team he led here.  Great guy and of course, plays music.  He introduced me to an ex-Hasbro marketing guy named Jack, who also is a musician.  Apparently they met and were talking about Rawkstars and Ted suggested we connect.  I’m going to have lunch with Jack today and am really excited.  I have a lot of new thoughts about where to take Rawkstars and to pull it off I’m going to need help.  I need someone who can partner with me on both strategy and execution and am hopeful this new connection might help take us in that direction.  Really thankful that others are thinking about RS separately from me and that they are moved enough about it to tell others.

12/3/18: Still basking in the post gig glow.  Tons of powerful feedback online and personally from folks who attended.  Additionally, a few people put together fundraisers that really helped bolster our financials.  Dave Malekpour and David Coppins both did online charitable efforts and raised about $1200 together.  Chuck Thibault raised $100 and Sue Kast came through (again) with a $500 mini grant from BCBS.  After we pay all our expenses and catching up on bills, I anticipate starting the new year with about $40k in the Rawkstars account.  Pretty solid and something I’m proud as fuck about.

12/2/18:  Well, that was amazing.  Last night was the long awaited Rawkstars 15th anniversary gig.  We had an impressive turnout with about 350+, and I think it was a bit more than last year.  Not sure it would be possible to quantify the positive energy in the room and the vibe of pure love, without spending hours and many paragraphs.  Since that isn’t what this space is intended for, I’ll hit on a few highlights.

Homer Stevens:  kid is amazingly talented and charismatic.  I had him all setup to play a tune on the side stage.  After I plugged him in he looked at me and said he wanted to speak to the crowd and pointed to the main stage.  I said, ok let’s do it.  He proceeded to plug the CD he recorded himself, on his own label and sold it to someone for $5.  I was blown away by him.

Juli, Wander, Stian:  They were AWESOME.  They came a long way and really embraced the idea of speaking to the crowd.  Stian spoke eloquently about MedRhythms and our partnership.  Wander gave Juli’s backstory and I was in tears.  Juli even took the mic briefly and said “thank you” to everyone.  Afterward we took some pics together and hugged.  So fucking heartwarming.

RS All-Stars:  Anthony, Noah, Alex and Bella.  What can I say other than people were blown away, especially by Bella’s voice and stage presence.  She is an absolute powerhouse.  The idea that 3 friends I’ve known for 30+ years are still in my life, have kids of their own, that each play separate instruments, got together and learned Dio/Alice Cooper/Dorothy and performed at our event is mind boggling.  I wanted to get a photo with all the kids and the dads but lost track of things and didn’t make that happen, unfortunately.

Shine:  First time I’ve performed with a band onstage in about 10 months.  Felt KILLER.  My personal performance was not spectacular, in that I made a handful of mistakes on parts I knew inside and out.  That said we had a very strong connection and energy and the crowd was super responsive.  The song selections resonated just as I hoped and we had a genuine joy collectively that I haven’t felt since playing music in a band setting.  Lisa and B joined us for Wasted Years and Still Loving You.  They are so good together and brought the performance up a level.  It was for sure my best experience playing with a live band all around and something I will never, ever forget.

11/30/18:  Grateful for my improved eating lately.  One thing I’ve learned on the path to better health over these last 8+ years is that no matter how poorly you feel, you’re only one meal away from turning things around.  My pendulum still swings like everyone else’s, but the swath is much tighter.  I’ve gotten much better at catching myself after short periods of inactivity/poor eating and mustering the ability to compensate with periods of well being.  My clothes are fitting better and I feel better about the way I look and feel.

11/29/18:  Had some cool experiences at work yesterday.  Ran a little workshop discussing Agile with a mixed crowd of practitioners and team members.  Since the re-org at Hasbro, I’ve been given more leeway to carve a new path forward with Agile.  We are coming together as a team to discuss and implement some new strategies, in partnership with some new teams.  It’s exciting and makes me more hopeful about my future at the company and level of fulfillment from my day job.

Also attended a meeting where a business customer gushed about the level of service and tools they received from the Analytics group.  I’ve only recently started working with them, but they are a very cool, smart crew of people and it was refreshing to see the business reflect back such a success story.  Too often we forget why we are here at the office and it felt good to start my day with some different perspective.

11/28/18:  Last night was the final rehearsal for ‘Shine’ heading into the Rawkstars event this weekend.  It was really productive even though Wabrek wasn’t able to attend.  We had Lisa and Bella contribute harmony vox to “Still Loving You”, which helped immensely.  Bella and Lisa also sang together on “Wasted Years”.  Bella wasn’t as prepared and on point as I had hoped, but I know from experience that I don’t need to worry or focus on that aspect and it’s ok to let her be herself.  Really grateful that I’ve been able to learn that lesson.  It’s freeing and a better experience for both of us.

Also grateful that these guys agreed to be part of the project.  They all contributed a lot of energy, work and personal time to make it happen.  It’s another bit of forward momentum for me in my musical journey.  Playing with such a talented group of players pushes me to improve and prepare.  As we were playing last night, I had a mini-revelation about my meter.  I’ve gotten to a point with the songs where I am pretty comfortable with the playing and arrangements.  That has opened my ears to the finer points of timing and I was noticing how much room for improvement I have in that area.  It’s little things like that which only come from experience and I’m thankful it’s something I now have in my consciousness.

11/27/18:  This week there has been a swarm of activity ramping up towards the Rawkstars 15th anniversary gig on Saturday night.  We are selling a fair amount of tickets and lots of people are posting and talking about it online.  Two old friends of mine, Dave Malekpour and David Coppins, both created fundraisers as part of #givingtuesday.  It really is humbling to see how people are moved by what Rawkstars does.  I heard from Kevin Lowe, our first student, who will be attending the gig.  I also spoke with Wander, brother of Juli Cedano, who we sponsor for music therapy.  They will be coming to the show and speaking to the crowd about how RS has affected Juli and her recovery.  I can already tell it will be an emotional night for me and I am so very thankful to be blessed with such supportve people at every turn.

11/26/18:  Went to the gym yesterday morning with Bella.  She suggested it the night before that we do a short run.  It was raining so we did a treadmill session and aimed to hit our respective personal bests.  I did a 9:45 mile, which is awesome for me.  It was really nice going with B and doing it together.

I spent most of the day shopping for food and cooking.  I took Q to the grocery store, which gave us some time together.  It’s really cool when I get some alone time and he is engaged with helping on stuff like that.  After we got home, I made a corn chowder, which turned out really delicious.  I also roasted some root vegetables with seasoning that were hearty and healthful.  Grateful for a solid week of food, eating and exercise.  I’m feeling better and aiming to continue the momentum into this week.

11/24/18:  Had the day off yesterday.  Lisa worked a long shift at her part-time Target gig and Bella went shopping with friends.  Q and I were home most of the day.  I found the source of the basement leak we’ve been dealing with by cutting away a section of sheetrock, which exposed the foundation crack.  It’s going to be a process now to fix, but I was happy to stop procrastinating on that task.  I also had a nice meditation session and have been generally improving my daily routine lately.  Eating well and continuing to prepare wholesome food and respect my body by not continually overeating.

Grateful for the down time and for having a wife willing to work extra to help out the family finances.

11/23/18:  Thanksgiving yesterday.  Always a great day and we spent it, per usual, at the Bento’s to start.  Great food of course, and Steve and Teresa joined again this year along with Rob, Kelly and the boys.  So much to be thankful for.  I started reading a Thich Nat Hanh book called How To Love and want to share an excerpt here.

If you put a handful of salt into a cup of water, the water becomes undrinkable.  If you pour the same handful of salt into a river, people can continue to draw the water to cook, wash and drink.  The river is immense and has the capacity to receive, embrace and transform the salt.  When our hearts are small, our understanding and compassion are limited.  And we suffer.  We can’t accept or tolerate others, their shortcomings, or even our own.  We demand that they change.  But when our hearts expand, these same things don’t make us suffer anymore.  We have enough understanding and compassion to embrace others.  We accept them as they are and allow the chance to transform.

So the big question is how do we help our hearts grow?

11/21/18:  Yesterday was a day of connecting.  I had planned a ‘Worksgiving” pot luck lunch at Hasbro with some friends.  We invited the new teams together to cook, eat and bring donations for the RI Food Bank.  A ton of people were ooo, due to the company giving us an extra day off this week, but we had about 25 people turn out.  It was great fun and we brought about a dozen big bags of groceries to the Food Bank.  One co-worker in particular, Katy Waldron, brought what must have been well over $100 of items herself.  Witnessing such generosity is most definitely something I’m thankful for.

Before the lunch, I got a random text from Rich Spillberg, one of my oldest and dearest friends.  We don’t see each other that much these days, as he is on the road much of the year working.  That said, we have a strong connection and seeing him reach out made me smile.  Turns out he had a few days at home in between gigs and asked if I wanted to hookup.  Hell yeah!  After the Hasbro lunch event, I went over and we met at a falafel joint on the East Side and then went for a beer around the corner at a Greek bar.  Was great to catch up and we talked about music, work, family, kids, money, real estate and had some laughs.  He also asked about our upcoming Rawkstars gig and turns out, he’s gonna be in town that night.  He’s going to join “Shine” on stage for the Scorpions song we are doing and I was beside myself with joy just thinking about it.  Richie is without question one of the best musicians I know and it will be a real honor to do a tune with him on stage after all these years of friendship.

I also chatted by phone with Dave DiCenso, also about the gig.  Dave is another guy I don’t connect with much in recent years, but also a pre-eminent musician and cool guy.  We chatted about the kids, work, Boston commuting and music.  I realized how much I missed talking with him.  Usually, we’ll only see each other at a gig.  Not a good backdrop for really connecting with someone.  It felt good to talk for 30 minutes.

Grateful for spending time with old and newer friends yesterday and for our mutual connections over food, music and charity.

11/20/18:  Listened to a podcast on Functional Medicine.  It’s something I’ve been learning about for a little while, but never knew had that specific name.  I like the idea of approaching healthcare from the perspective of prevention, identifying upstream causes and taking responsibility for my lifestyle.  I did a little digging into practitioners and talked with Lisa about it.  I might try and schedule a consult with one in the coming weeks and give it a chance to see how it goes.  Thankful to live in a time when resources like that are available and even how technology allows me to learn about these topics and read up on them.

11/19/18:  Back at work today after almost 10 days off.  Never fails that whenever you return to the office after vacation, it’s nearly impossible not to feel some regret.  Being away gives you a view into a different life.  Not one that’s necessarily sustainable in terms of nonstop vacation, but just a perspective shift that being in a different place, doing something else, is possible.  That usually leads to regret and a feeling of malaise.  I’m no different.  I’ve got a short week here with Thanksgiving coming up, so I’m trying to focus on the fact that I’m lucky to have a profitable, productive job and do what I can to embrace those things.  I’m also thankful to have gotten through yesterday without feeling out of control.  I ate well, prepared some healthy food, practiced my bass, meditated and exercised for a while.

11/18/18: Had the apple pie bake-off yesterday.  Always a fun, but gluttonous time.  Bella and I worked on a pie together and although we didn’t win, we both were happy with the results.  She did an excellent job decorating the pie and making a braided crust.  I need to find a way to get better at participating and enjoying days like this without turning it into an opportunity to go off the deep end with food and drink.  Left feeling horribly about myself, physically and because of my lack of self-control.  Today is a new day and I am grateful to be alive and given another chance to make positive changes towards the person I want to be.

11/16/18:  Came home from NOLA last night.  Always nice to go away and always nice to come home.  Snowing here already.  Was grateful to see the kids of course and reconnect.  They did a great job, of course, taking care of things at home and with school.  We had a great time on the trip but it took a bit of a toll on my eating/drinking.  Been a rough patch for the last 8 weeks and I continue to stutter, unable to get too much positive momentum.  Still, thankful to have had such a great time away with Lisa in a cool city, with such great music, food and history.

11/14/18:  Another cold, rainy day in New Orleans.  Another amazing musical experience.  We saw Corey Henry and The Funk Apostles at a club called One Eyed Jacks.  I’ve been listening to their music for a few months and saw they were playing in town, so I grabbed tickets online.  I’ve been blessed to attend many amazing gigs in my lifetime and see a ton of bands that really moved me.  Last night was religious.  The band were so on point and the energy they brought was so filling.  I danced in place all night in a room filled with soul, love and positivity.  The rhythm section was absolutely off the hook and the band in its entirety couldn’t have taken us higher.  We bar hopped most of the day since exploring outside is out of the question, given the weather.  Grateful for these experiences with Lisa and to continue the string of musical experiences for the last 3 nights.

11/13/18:  Arrived in NOLA yesterday.  Travel was easy and we are staying at my friend/boss Jen Preston’s condo, right in the French Quarter.  I booked it as a quick/inexpensive getaway for Lisa and I, since money has been somewhat tight this year.  We saw the Preservation Jazz Band last night and they were terrific.  No frills, no PA, no lights, old gear and a room that hasn’t been cleaned or updated in decades.  They were absolute masters of their craft and I felt honored to see them play.  We had an amazing vegetarian meal upon arrival to town and although it’s been rainy and unusually cold, I’m grateful to share this time with Lisa together.

11/12/18:  Took Lisa to see Lake Street Dive at Veterans Memorial in Providence last night.  It was a hectic end to the weekend of Bella’s play.  Lisa went to all 3 shows and I saw 2.  During the show yesterday, I stayed home to get things ready for our vacation.  I bought and installed a new garbage disposal, since our kitchen unit started leaking heavily the day before.  I shopped for some groceries for the kids, went to the bank and filled the hot tub, so it wouldn’t freeze while we were away.

Even though Lisa was a bit stressed about heading out to the gig, she did so without complaining and we had a great time.  The band is excellent live and we have been lucky enough to catch them 3 times now.  We sat dead center in the second row and I got some decent pics.  Truly grateful for all the amazing musical experiences I’ve been fortunate enough to have in life.

11/10/18:  Last night, Bella took the stage as Rosie, the lead role in the Taunton High production of “Bye, Bye Birdie”. Bella has been part of the drama club as long as I can remember and committed an immense amount of work over the years. She’s been on stage singing and performing in various ways, practically since birth. We’ve seen her play many roles and sing many songs, to audiences small and large.

In many ways, last night felt like a swan song. Bella is graduating this year and landed a killer part, well suited to her look, personality and skill. Some of our best friends showed up unexpectedly to cheer her on, making it even more special for all of us.

Bella absolutely crushed it.

There were about 800 people in attendance for opening night and Bella couldn’t have seemed more at home. Her voice was near flawless and she carried herself with the confidence, maturity and swagger befitting a role she’s seemingly prepared for her whole life. She performed alongside her BFF Marcus. They’ve shared a ton of experiences over the years and have a genuine love for each other. Together, they displayed chemistry that was effortless, honest and cute as fucking hell.

At the end of the show, the auditorium erupted when they took a curtain call together. Bella’s smile was absolutely electric. Lisa and I couldn’t have been happier for her. She filled the spotlight that she had worked so hard for and blew us all away with the best performance of her life. I was in tears. I started thinking to myself that it was my proudest moment as Bella’s dad.

Only it wasn’t.

Last year, as a junior, Bella tried out for the lead in Beauty & The Beast. In her mind, she was destined to play the role of her namesake, Belle. I can recall countless hours watching the Disney movie with her as a little girl. She knew the story, songs and all the lines by heart. From the moment it was announced, she was on a mission to land the role of a lifetime.

Everyone told her she was perfect for it. Everyone told her she embodied the part. She knew the material inside and out. She sang the songs like a bird. She even looked like Belle. After tryouts, she holed up in her room refreshing the call back list nonstop, waiting for confirmation of what she knew in her heart was a foregone conclusion.

Only it wasn’t.

She didn’t get the part.

Not only that, she was relegated to a bit role that felt more like a slap in the face. She took it really hard. She cried alone in her room. As parents, Lisa and I were devastated. How could they pick anyone else to play Belle? It wasn’t fair. She deserved it.

After exactly one night of feeling sorry for herself, Bella got it together. She attended drama practice and supported her friend, who had been chosen for the lead role. She never complained and moved on with grace and ease. She gave the drama club just as much energy as she always had. She never looked back or expressed any regret.

It would have been easy, even expected, to feel jealousy. It would have been easy to mail it in, and not commit the hours and effort required to make the show a success. It would have been easy to be bitter about the small role she was given.

Only she wasn’t.

Looking back, that was my proudest moment as Bella’s dad.

11/9/18:  Last night was Lisa’s birthday.  Quincy and I took her out for a burger, one of her favorite meals.  Nothing fancy, but it was nice to spend some time together.  Bella wasn’t able to join, since she is working late all week for the upcoming production of Bye, Bye Birdie.  That said, Bella called her during the afternoon and invited her to connect over lunch break.  Q also sandbagged her at the restaurant by telling the waitress privately that it was her birthday.  He also approached me the night before about giving him money to buy tickets for Lisa and I to see “Kiss” as a present to his mom.  I explained that it was a sweet thought but not necessary.  The fact that we are tight on money and have almost no desire to see the current incarnation of the band, aside.  Was nice to see the kids be so thoughtful and make Lisa feel special on her day.  Really grateful for the fact both of the kids have big hearts and aren’t afraid to demonstrate it!

11/8/18:  Had a great conversation with my old friend Ed Keefe, who is also our accountant.  We discussed selling one of our rental properties, which Lisa and I have been considering.  Always learn something and see a new angle when we talk about these things.  I am grateful anytime I have meaningful conversations where I learn.  I know it feels the same for Ed, and we both enjoy the chance to connect on a topic we both enjoy.

Today is Lisa’s 48th bday.  Excited for her to have some attention and feel special.  She deserves that and I’m already looking forward to getting home from work.  I’ve got a surprise gift for her and will be taking her to see Lake Street Dive on Sunday night, sitting right up front.

11/7/18:  Briefly saw Mikey last night after he dropped off Q from spending the day with Wyatt and some other kids.  Was nice to catch up.  We talked about the Sox win, college and life in general.

Had a terrific meal for dinner.  Lisa has been on a roll lately making some awesome dishes.  Last night we had slow cooked brisket with a crispy blue cheese celery/broccoli salad.  Truly grateful for all the awesome food in my life.

Had some really positive conversations with folks at the office.  I connected on a personal level with at least 3 people and dug in deep on a few conversations, both about work and life in general.  I honestly love people and spending time with folks, especially 1:1, is something that brings me joy.

11/6/18:  Had a visit last night from our nephew, Wyatt.  Mikey, Alyssa and Abi are all in town for a couple days but I wasn’t able to see them as of yet.  I got home from work and Q was in his room with WB whopping it up.  I really enjoy spending time with him and we chatted quite a bit.  He’s easy to make laugh and a laid back kid, so we always connect easily.  I know Q was happy to spend time with him and they have a whole day together planned for today.  Grateful to have some really cool kids as part of my family and I enjoy seeing them grow up.

11/5/18:  Enjoyed a solid day of mindful eating yesterday and included some exercise.  First time in a while that I’ve felt energized physically and grateful to have taken care of my body, at least for one day.  I need to make progress in this area as it continues to be a struggle.

Did a ton of fall cleanup in the yard with some help from Lisa and Q.  It was great to do it as a family and it looked much better after we finished up.  Simply being outdoors, moving and doing something productive is always a great way to spend time.  Quincy has helped the last few weeks and I think he’s also seeing that it’s not such a horrible thing to put effort into.

Came to an early decision about selling our condo at PV.  Had been thinking about it for several weeks and talked it through with Lisa.  With the college stuff on the horizon and some other financial considerations, I think the time is right to move on from that investment.  I sometimes need to remind myself that we originally got into this business in order to set ourselves up for a time when we needed the money.  It’s not there to simply be looked at on paper.  I am genuinely happy to be in a position to help the kids out financially with school and set them up for success.  We still have other investments in our own retirement and this is a good way to balance the benefits for the entire family overall.

11/4/18: Shine had another rehearsal yesterday, our best yet.  Cid couldn’t make it so Joe, Mike, Paul and I really combed through the tunes with a focus on the arrangements, transitions, feel and other small details.  It was very productive and we sounded pretty solid.  I recently had my bass setup, cleaned and re-strung.  It sounded and played amazing and I was feeling strong and loose throughout the practice.  It really is an honor to play with such great musicians and it’s helping me feel more confident in my own playing.  I’m even considering taking some lessons this winter to see if it helps me push myself to another level of connecting dots.

Later in the evening, we went out with Lisa’s band mates and spouses to see the Queen movie.  It was a blast!  We had a few drinks at the theater bar before the flick and had some laughs and talked.  We ran into Chris Gallivan and also saw Q’s friend Josh’s parents.  The movie was entertaining, and of course the music was awesome.  While I was never a huge Queen fan, Freddie was a transcendent artist and one of the greatest musicians of his generation.  In fact, being a more casual fan probably lent itself to enjoying the film and not worrying about all the small details they inflated or left out of the story.

We got home and Lisa had made a Portuguese soup that simmered all day.  It was incredible!  She also made homemade salad dressing which was equally tasty.  I feel so lucky to have a wife who is so talented in the kitchen.  My love of food is well documented and it brings me great joy to have such delicious, nutritious and lovingly prepared meals right in my own home.

11/1/18:  Yesterday was the first Halloween since we’ve been parents that we didn’t take at least one kid out trick or treating.  Bella stopped doing that years ago, but typically had some type of party with her friends.  The last several years, Lisa and I would take Quincy out to collect candy, usually at the bird lanes or Powhattan Village, both bastions of single family homes and kids.  Even though Q is only 12, he said he was too old for it this year.  Instead, he invited his buddy Seth over and they watched Saw and Friday the 13th (the OG original, of course :).  I always enjoyed taking him out to get candy, but it was also nice to spend the night at home.  Lisa bought them a big pile of candy and I made them pizza and popcorn while they watched the movies.  It was a different way to spend Halloween but I was thankful for being home, indoors with the boys.  I scared the crap out of Seth at one point as I snuck up the stairs and put my hand on his shoulder suddenly!

10/31/18:  Went and visited Bella at Subway last night after dinner.  As I started to write yesterday, we had something of a disagreement, stemming from the whole college process thing.  I knew she would be home late and wanted to clear the air before we ended the day.  We had a nice conversation in which I apologized, explained my POV and listened to her side with an open mind.  Grateful to be able to be open with her and communicate proactively and honestly.  She is a great kid and I am fortunate for sure.

10/30/18:  Learned about a friend’s blog yesterday through an organic conversation at work.  It inspired me a bit on my own writing and caused me to look back at how much I’ve done in getting my own up and running.  I tend to focus on the limits of my skills and accomplishments, rather than the breadth of them.  Since July, I launched this blog, published 9 articles and have cultivated a near daily habit of capturing things I’m grateful for in this space.  Earlier in the year, I would have considered that a huge win, but recently I’ve been lamenting my inability to make more progress on writing.  I’m grateful the conversation I had yesterday with Dan Gaspar gave me some needed perspective.

Had something of an argument last night with Bella.  The stress and pressure of the college thing got the best of both of us.  I lost my temper and made her feel badly.  I wound up heading downstairs to extricate myself from the situation and not make things worse.  Not ideal, but I suppose I’m grateful for being able to diminish the tension by simply walking away.  Not ideal, but sometimes you need to look for the positive when it’s hard to find.

10/29/18:  Sox win!  Last night they closed out LA in 5 games in what was a really dominant post-season performance.  They beat the Yankees, Astros and Dodgers; arguably the 3 next best teams in baseball and did it handily in each series.  It was a top to bottom effort with every player on the roster playing his part.  Really happy for the city and just amazed at the run for Boston sports teams.  As someone who derives enjoyment from the drama of sports, I really am grateful to have been alive during such an historic run of success for the locals.

Attended a Halloween party on Saturday and saw some old friends that I don’t catch up with as often.  It was nice to literally be out of character for a couple hours and have some fun.

My eating continues to be an issue and that’s one area I’m really struggling with the last couple of weeks.

Yesterday, Bella rehearsed with Noah, Anthony and Alex to prepare a few songs for the Rawkstars 15th anniversary bash.  It’s a bit surreal to have her hanging with the sons of 3 guys I’ve collectively known for nearly 90 fucking years!  I’m grateful they came to our place and that I was able to help them setup and make music together.

10/27/18:  Sox lost an epic game 3 last night in 18 innings!  I made it until the bottom of the 15th and fell asleep at 2:30am.  One of the most exciting games I’ve ever seen.  They played their asses off and had the game nearly won twice.  Cora has managed expertly and with confidence and conviction at every turn.  Really grateful to have such an entertaining series to watch my hometown team in my favorite sport.

We had our hot water tank replaced yesterday.  Latest in a series of expensive events for us this year around homeownership.  In addition, we had a new A/C unit, new refrigerator and a new furnace put in our rental all in the last 6 months.  That said, I am humbled that we have such nice things and are able to take care of them financially when something happens.  It would be easy to be upset about so many bills and our dwindling savings but it’s equally as easy to remind myself how fortunate we are to have all these comforts and be in a position to continue without much change in our daily lives financially.

10/25/18:  After some reflection, I’ve been able to see the positive opportunities for me at work now that the org changes have been outlined.  I had some great conversations around the office and am looking forward to the weeks ahead.  I appreciate the challenge and am grateful to have the chance to make something of the team and responsibilities I’ve been presented with.

Sox won again and are up 2-0 in the World Series.  So very enjoyable to watch the games, feeling the drama along with Lisa in the evenings.

10/23/18:  Yesterday was a day of emotional pendulum swinging for me.  Hasbro had layoffs last week and though I survived the cut, we knew that organizational changes were following.  Upon arrival, I learned that my team was being dissolved and pieces were being absorbed into other groups.  None of that was too shocking and probably it’s a healthy change for all of us long term.  I learned that I have a new boss and a new area VP.  It felt like a gut punch initially, then later I settled into it and felt opportunistic.  I swung back mid-day after learning a small piece of what I had hoped for didn’t come to fruition.  I know it was selfish and my ego being bruised.  Still, it feels real, especially in the moment.  It also was painful because that failure forced me to look at my effort level over the last little while and question my commitment, which I know is less than optimal.

I went to the gym after I got home for a decent uphill walk, to clear my head.  I played bass for a while in anticipation of rehearsal tonight with Shine.  I had a tough time sleeping as my brain swirled on things, as it does sometimes.  Today I am feeling more grateful.  I am able to see the changes for what they are instead of what I tell myself they mean.  That doesn’t mean I won’t slip or have other moments of uncertainty and anxiety, I surely will.  That said, I am truly grateful that I’ve developed an ability to breathe through events such as this and come out the other side stronger and more accepting for the next time change happens.

10/21/18:  Red Sox are going to the World Series!  They face the LA Dodgers and game 1 is tomorrow night.  Pumped beyond belief to watch them try for #4 since 2003.

Spent some time working in the yard this weekend for the first time in a few weeks.  Always nice to be outdoors and moving.  I had Quincy out with me doing chores while I tended to the yard.  He isn’t much of an outdoor kid, but I want to keep showing him other sides of life besides video games and his bedroom.  Grateful for any time I have with him where we are doing something together.

Been thinking lately about selling one of our condos and moving the money into a single or multi family home down in the Providence area.  We could use some of the money to pad our reserve accounts, pay off some bills and re-invest the rest where I think the prices are still doable.  Thankful to have many positive financial options and be in a position to help my family both now, and the kids for their future.

10/19/18:  Spoke with my old Year Up mentee Keven Morrison.  He’s a great kid and we haven’t connected in about 18 months or more.  I visited my friend Ted Fischer after work and it made me think of Kev.  I’m hopeful we can grab lunch or coffee soon and that he and his son will perhaps attend the Rawkstars gig in December.  Keven himself is musical and he told me his son is looking for a student trumpet.  I think about volunteering my time more, and connecting with Kev reminds me why it’s important to give back to younger people.

10/18/18:  Sox won another classic last night and are up 3-1 against the Astros.  I didn’t make it til the end of the game as it started at 8:40.  I’m much more of a morning person and am typically in bed by 10:30 most nights.  Really excited they continue to win against such a strong opponent.

Lisa made a delicious codfish dinner last night, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  Thankful my wife is such a great cook and enjoys food as much as I do, which is really saying something!  Food is simple, but the essence of life.

10/17/18:  There are layoffs happening at my company.  For the last several days there has been much speculation and hallway conversations, as is the norm when this stuff happens.  I’ve been assured by my boss that I am ‘safe’ as is my team.  I’ve been through layoffs and corporate restructuring many times before so I am not too shaken by the whole process. I’ve proven to myself that I am capable of starting over professionally multiple times.  That said, I am thankful to continue my time with Hasbro and that my family won’t have to worry financially about our trajectory.

Last night the Sox won to take a 2-1 lead in the ALCS vs. Houston.  It’s going to be an epic series with the two best teams in baseball squaring off and I am so excited to have the drama of playoff baseball most nights.

10/16/18:  Lisa started a part time job at Target yesterday.  She has been mostly home and working part-time, basically since the kids were born.  We’ve managed to make it this far financially and it’s been nice to have the balance that comes with having a parent at home.  She’s never been lazy and takes care of a ton of things outside the office, for all of us.  This year, we had lots of added expenses and have started to fall into a tiny hole.  Having her pickup some extra cash is going to help and I’m thankful to have a partner who is willing to do what it takes to keep us in a good spot.

10/15/18:  Rehearsed with the 2018 version of Shine over the weekend.  Was awesome to play music with other people after several months of simply jamming to youtube.  Live energy and volume made me smile.  Songs were loose and not everyone had the arrangements down, but it was great to finally start.  Already looking forward to the next one and truly grateful that I finally started participating in music as a player after a lifetime of every other angle possible.

10/12/18:  Last night Lisa had band practice.  I was home alone and had dinner with Q.  We chatted a bit about Call Of Duty, which is the game he’s been waiting for months that comes out today.  He’s a really smart, loving and sweet kid and I really love the 1:1 time we have.

Bella came home while we were eating and told me that she had just come from having dinner with Kearsten.  Kearsten has been her best friend for the last few years of High School.  A few months ago, they had something of a falling out.  Nothing specific really caused it, but it appeared to be a build-up of small things over time.  Bella was really hurt by the whole incident though unsurprisingly, she handled it about as well as possible.  After a cool period, where they weren’t talking and seemingly had given up on the relationship, Kearsten reached out to Bella via text the night before and they talked it out.  They agreed to have dinner after drama club practice and B said it was really nice and they were able to move on from their personal drama.  I was so very happy for both of them and I know their relationship means a ton.

10/11/18:  Visited UCONN with Bella and Lisa yesterday.  It is an amazing campus and I can totally see Bella in that environment.  That said, the cost is prohibitive and I’m not one to put a strong emphasis on where someone attends college, even my own kid.  The whole experience of this phase of being a parent is really complex.  There are lots of outside pressures on kids to make choices about their future before they are equipped.  The money factor is exorbitant, imo, as much of their future is going to be determined by skills they don’t need to acquire in college.  It creates a gulf between parents and kids as well when you try and align the practical aspects of the decision with a young person who doesn’t come with the life experience to necessarily appreciate those aspects.

It is exciting and I am really proud of Bella in so many ways.  I’m grateful to have a kid that is thoughtful, intelligent and I’m so thankful that she has so much opportunity in front of her.

10/10/18:  Red Sox eliminated the NYY last night in the ALDS.  Always a great time of year for me, being a huge fan of baseball, it makes it that much more sweet when my hometown team advances against their greatest rival.  Grateful to have had so many memorable moments watching Boston sports over the years.  Almost an embarrassment of riches for someone like me who grew up watching all 4 sports so closely.

10/9/18:  Action packed weekend.  Saturday was the 2018 Rawk Run and it was a strong success.  We wound up with 53 runners and the execution was pretty smooth/easy.  Our fundraising is about 20-25% off from the prior 4 years, mostly due to a few defections from the core team.  We had fewer people raising money this year and a couple folks fell well short of prior strong years.  At the end of the process, I’m looking back on it as a success overall and in some ways it is a testament to our ability to execute in difficult circumstance.  I also feel really good about our core of supporters, as many of them stepped up and donated larger amounts than in the past.  We met some new folks at the race who found it organically, and that always feels nice.  I definitely think this can be our core event over the next 5 years and that it has lots of room to grow.  Lisa got many of her gym chick friends to come out and they are a really cool, positive crew to have as a new part of our extended family.  I truly am grateful for all the energy so many people put into the event, from volunteers, to fundraisers, donors and of course the runners.

Yesterday, Lisa, Bella and I visited UMass Amherst and Westfield State.  It was a fun experience to see a couple of campuses after so much intellectual energy around the whole process.  Bella seems drawn to the bigger campuses and I think she sees it as a challenge that she is confident she can rise to, which I don’t doubt in the slightest.  She’s already proven herself a capable decision maker and confident woman.  In fact, I think she performs better under this kind of ‘pressure’.  We are visiting UConn tomorrow and I’m truly grateful to be part of this experience with her.  It’s such an exciting time for her and I want nothing more than to help her get to a place that makes her happy and allows her to grow exponentially as a person.

10/6/18:  This weekend is our Rawk Run and the last few days have been hectic, but fun.  Yesterday, we picked up the signs and banners that were donated to us by Lisa’s cousin Sergio and his print shop.  They came out great and it was nice to connect with his wife Shawna.  We also had some new signups and have 49 official registrants as of today.  I did a final fundraising email at work, which resulted in a nice response from several people.  We’ll be buttoning up the last details today and then tomorrow, off we go!

In the evening, I took Q over to the football game to see Bella’s band.  As mentioned before, I really enjoy this.  There’s always a lot of kids which brings energy to the atmosphere.  I always run into Matt and usually some of his girls.  Jamie is also usually there and I caught up with both of them.  After getting home, we watched game 1 of the baseball playoff series between Boston and NYY.  No matter how many times they play, it’s always an epic event and last night the Sox pulled off a 5-4 win to take game #1.  I LOVE October baseball and having the Sox with a strong team makes it that much better.

Being a Boston sports fan is an honest blessing.  Such a great fan base, passion and of course all the titles and history we’ve witnessed.

10/5/18:  Nothing better than getting a new music recommendation from a friend that really moves you.  Yesterday, I got a text from my friend Chris Weekly who turned me onto JJ Grey & Mofro.  I had heard their name plenty of times so it was familiar, but don’t think I ever took the time to listen.  As soon as I dialed them up I felt the music instantly.  Been listening to them on shuffle this morning and really digging the sound.  I get some ZZ Top grooves, Black Crowes stylings and a bit of modern R&B swing.  So thankful for music and for the experience of discovering something new and exciting.

10/4/18:  Grateful to have the family together yesterday for the first time in a few days.  I really love the routine of ‘regular life’ and sometimes it helps to have something change it to appreciate it even more.

Lisa also seems in a much better place emotionally in regards to her band situation.  She is a really strong person mentally (as well as physically!) and I’m sometimes in awe of her ability to move on with such ease.  It’s something I’ve only recently gotten better at and a big part of what attracted me to mindfulness/Buddhism in the first place.  Her upbringing, especially with her dad as a role model, is obvious to me and something that was never part of my DNA growing up.

10/3/18:  Lisa got home the night prior @ 2:30am.  We didn’t catch up at that time other than a quick ‘welcome back’ and really only connected yesterday after I got home from work.  It was nice to have her back and we were all extremely grateful that she was home.  She caught us up on Mikey, Alyssa, Wyatt, Abi and her mom, all of whom seem to be doing well with their big move.

Later, we started talking about some drama that materialized with her band/friends in the days prior.  Details aside, she was extremely hurt by something that happened and we talked a lot about it.  I’m thankful that we can communicate openly and I hope it was helpful for her to talk to me.  I reached out to her via email this afternoon to remind her that no matter what I would be here for her and support her choices.  Truly appreciative of our relationship and the genuine depth of our love.

10/1/18:  I spent yesterday morning taking care of the house.  Did grocery shopping, cleaning and some food prep.  I worked for almost 30 minutes peeling and prepping squash that Doug gave me from his garden.  I roasted it with maple syrup, melted butter and salt/pepper.  Not the healthiest preparation, but omg was it delicious.  I actually roasted the seeds alongside and they accidentally candied with the syrup liquid.  I broke them into small bits and sprinkled it on the squash.  Grateful for the simple bounty of nature’s food.

Later in the afternoon, Bella and I went apple picking.  Always a fun fall tradition, we walked around the orchard and took some pics.  We stopped at the ice cream place on the way home and had food also.  I got a lobster roll and left most of the fries untouched.  Grateful to have had a modicum of self control.

Lisa comes home late tonight.

9/30/18:  Went mountain biking yesterday morning with Doug and his brother Guy again.  We rode for nearly 2 hours and it was a solid workout and very fun.  Attended Bella’s band fundraiser in the afternoon and caught up with Jamie over a couple beers.  Practiced my bass a bit and took Q out to The Boneyard for wings at dinner time. It was an absolutely beautiful, picture perfect fall day in New England.  Missing Lisa but it’s also been nice to have a bit more downtime for myself and I’m grateful for that.

9/29/18:  Lisa went to visit Mikey in Denver with her mom yesterday.  Despite having a cancelled flight and several delays she eventually made it there safely.  I spent the afternoon practicing my bass and learned Saturday Night Special by Skynyrd, which is fun as hell to play.  I think we are adding it to the Shine setlist for the gig.  I also spent some time writing, though it was a struggle and I wasn’t able to get very much accomplished.  Later in the evening, I made dinner for me and Q and after Bella came home, we sat and watched a couple episodes of That 70s Show, which is one of their faves.  It was nice to have some time to myself today and then connect with the kids.  I’m sure Lisa will have a fun time and it will be somewhat of an adventure for us to be without her for a few days.  Grateful she will get to experience some private time with her mom and that we can afford to do things like that.

9/27/18:  Grateful that I was mindful about my health/eating yesterday.  Last week I was sick and that derailed my gym routine.  Over the weekend, we ate at some great restaurants and I overdid it.  Early in the week, I kept the negative momentum going, by blowing off the gym and overeating a little at lunch and dinner.  These variances are normal for everyone, but they can also fire up negative patterns of behavior that used to be the norm for me.  I was able to re-focus yesterday and eat well.  After work, I got home and the house was empty.  I got changed and went to the gym.  Did about 12 miles on the bike and rode pretty hard.  Felt awesome afterward and was thankful to feel the tiredness that comes from exertion, not malaise.

This morning before work, Quincy was awake.  It’s not usually the case and he came out of his room to say good morning before I took off.  We were sitting in the living room and he was asking me about Buddhism and how I got into it, etc.  He told me a few weeks ago that he meditated.  He downloaded an app and tried it.  He bought me a mini Buddha statue for my birthday as well.  I must admit it’s kinda cool to have him thinking about these things and asking questions.  He’s such a smart, insightful kid and I am incredibly proud of the person he is growing into.

9/26/18:  Last night Bella called me as I was driving home from work.  She had a dead battery after leaving the lights on as her car sat outside drama practice.  I buzzed roadside assistance as I headed over to meet her.  I arrived and she got in the car to sit with me and wait for the service guy.  We had about 30 minutes until he arrived and we talked, mostly about college.  It was really great to have the time with her and some focused attention.  We don’t get a ton of that nowadays with her schedule and mine being what they are.  After the car was all set, we got home and Lisa had prepared a really nice dinner.  Homemade soup, ham and chicken wings.  Yes, all of that 😉 . The 4 of us ate and had good conversation and laughs.  After dinner we all stayed in the living room and watched some old youtube videos from my channel.  One was of Bella at age 7, doing her ‘Cooking With Bella’ show and we also watched the video I made for Mikey’s 40th birthday.  I was absolutely grateful for the couple hours we had with each other just experiencing the present moment together and the bounty of food.  Seemingly mundane tasks and opportunities to connect are constantly around us if only you allow them to happen.

9/25/18:  Rehearsed with Mike and Paul last night for the Shine set.  We went through 6 tunes and discussed a couple new ones.  Those guys are great players and it’s so much fun to jam with them.  We’ll be getting together with the full band in a couple weeks and I’m going to shed between now and then so that I can carry my weight.  Truly honored to have such faith shown me by these guys as to join forces for a set like this.

9/24/18:  Catching up after an active weekend.  On Friday, Lisa and I went to see Glenn Hughes perform a classic Deep Purple set.  We had dinner beforehand at Ken’s Ramen, one of our favorite spots.  The show was amazing and Glenn was so very gracious and appreciative.  He exudes the coolness only attainable by elder British rock stars and of course the music was fabulous.  We ran into some friends at the show including Wayne, Chris Gallivan and some other old music acquaintances of mine.  We also saw Q’s friend Josh’s dad at the gig, which was kinda awesome.  Had no clue he was a music guy.

Saturday, we ran at DW Field’s Park and did a scouting mission, in advance of the Rawkstars race in 2 weeks.  It was really helpful to see the park and talk through the logistics with Lisa.  I’m really grateful to have her help on all this kinda stuff.  In the afternoon, I spent a couple hours working in the yard.  Our lawn was grub infested this year and took a really bad turn.  I raked a huge area of completely dead grass, then seeded and watered.  I’m not the type of guy who needs a golf course manicured lawn, but I do take pride in having it look decent and cared for.  It’s not my strong suit, but am hopeful my effort will result in some improvement next year.  I am grateful to be able to spend time alone with nature and working with my hands and body, which I don’t get at my job.

Sunday we met Steve and Teresa Figueiredo and went to Matunuk Oyster Bar, another one of our most favorite spots to eat.  It was a nice day and we talked for several hours.  They’re a great couple and it’s been nice to get closer with them over the years.  I’ve known Steve since I was a teenager and remember visiting his ship one time when he joined the navy.  Teresa was giving us some advice about colleges, as Bella has expressed interest in chemistry and optometry.

I really am thankful to have such cool people in my life and to be able to experience so many fun things I enjoy.  We go to see live music regularly and regularly enjoy great food, well prepared.

9/21/18:  Yesterday was amazing.  Quincy made me a cool photo collage of the family and wrote a beautiful card, which he gave me when I got home from work.  Lisa also made a FB post during the afternoon, that literally made me cry.  Her words touched me really deeply and many people wrote nice comments on her thread.  As people, we often say ‘I love you’ or similar phrases that are meaningful, but expected.  She clearly took the time to craft something that was deeper.  Hearing someone I love more than anyone else on the planet say those things about me was beyond moving.  I’ve still been feeling a bit sick so we passed on going out to dinner.  Instead, we stopped by Subway, while Bella was working and grabbed a few sandwiches to bring home.  After dinner, Lisa and I watched a couple episodes of MadMen, one of our favorite shows of all time.  Couldn’t have been a more perfect day and I fell asleep literally smiling 🙂

9/20/18:  Today is my 40th birthday.  I’m still a bit sick, but made it back to the office today finally.  Last night, we had a family dinner at home which has become a bit of a special treat in recent months.  We ate a really nice meal that Lisa prepared and enjoyed some laughs as a family.  After dinner, we had a conversation about colleges and scheduled a few visits to Uconn/Fairfield and also UMass/Westfield.  It’s an exciting time for Bella and by extension us as parents.  Bella even took a walk with me and Lisa and gave me a framed photo of the two of us as a gift.

I spent some time with Q as well and we watched the last couple episodes of Disenchanted.  I asked him to give me some feedback on my parenting skills.  He’s an insightful and thoughtful person, especially for 12, and I look forward to hearing his input.  I truly want to embrace the opportunity to improve in areas where I can be better, especially where it touches my family.

9/19/18:  I’ve been sick as a dog the last few days.  Thinking back, I was feeling out of balance for several days.  Even in my last gratitude post, I referenced this.  I also took a fall on Saturday night, which I failed to reference in my entry about the charity gala.  I was playing ping-pong in a suit with slippery dress shoes and landed pretty hard on my tailbone.  Over the subsequent days, it got worse and has made being sick even more difficult, since sitting for very long is super uncomfortable.  I’m just starting to peek out from it a tiny bit and although being ill is just about the worst thing possible, it’s a reminder about my relative good state of health.  It’s also made me grateful for my work and simply getting out of the house every day to head to the office.  Hopeful that by tomorrow I’m feeling a bit more like my usual self.

9/17/18:  Had a rough day yesterday with eating.  Family came over for lunch and that always seems to be a trigger for me to overeat.  I also took a spill the night before playing ping-pong in a suit at the charity event, and my back is super sore.  I did some yard work and found it to be a far from mindful experience.  I’ve had a bit of a struggle recently in this area and not really sure why.  The change of seasons is generally difficult for me as I feel particularly affected by sunlight and the weather.  Today I will offer up my gratitude for the ability to recognize when I’m not feeling very grateful 😉

9/16/18:  Went to a charity gala last night in the seaport district.  We were invited by Lisa’s friend Lynne and her husband Jack, who is on the board.  It was fairly ‘swanky’ and took place at a loft space owned by a designer named Steven Favreau.  It was an eclectic space and the style didn’t really resonate with me from a visual standpoint.  We had a good time, ate some nice food and wound up at a tequila bar around the corner for a few nightcaps.

It made me grateful for the community that Rawkstars has formed.  It’s a close knit group and although we aren’t attracting the kind of money involved with events like this, I think people are genuinely moved by what we do.

9/15/18:  Went to Bella’s first football game of the year last night.  Her band plays throughout the games and during halftime.  It’s a cool atmosphere at the games and very community oriented.  I’ve come to really enjoy it over the last few years and the crisp fall nights, combined with the vibe of being among lots of young people is quite pleasant.  We always run into Matt, our neighbor, who is also the school principal.  We also ran into the guidance counselor that we saw speak at the seminar mentioned below.  I was grateful to connect with her and talk a bit about the college process we are just starting to undertake.  I feel fortunate that Bella’s participation in the school band extends cool opportunities for us to experience these kinds of activities.

9/14/18:  Attended a seminar for parents of High School seniors aimed at understanding the college landscape.  It’s pretty overwhelming, even as someone with a fairly large capacity for complex problems.  I never went through the process as a student and it’s an area where my knowledge and experience are deficient.  I feel added motivation to dive in since I want to help Bella make her most informed choice.  I am grateful that Lisa and I are able to provide her with at least a modest amount of support, in terms of funding, to pursue whatever she is interested in.  It’s more than my parents were able to do for me and I hope will result in helping Bella towards the ultimate goal of lifetime happiness and contentment.

9/13/18:  Continued my streak of personal best in 5k on the treadmill for the 3rd consecutive run.  I went from 30:50 –> 30:32 –> 29:48.  It’s been amazing to feel how my body is able to respond when my mind is properly motivated.  At the end of all the runs I felt like I really pushed myself further and yet was able to ‘survive’.  My weight is down to 238.5, which is my lowest in about a year.

I heard yesterday that one of my old friends from music, John Falzone, is fighting cancer.  I am truly grateful to have my health for now, as I know that won’t be the case at some point.  I think of that often, not to be morbid, but as a reminder to embrace life, experience everything and spread as much love as possible while I am able.

9/12/18:  Watched some videos and reflected on 9/11 yesterday, both at the office and at home.  At work, Jen had us watch a mini-documentary about the boat rescues that took place in Manhattan to evacuate the island during the attack.  I had never really heard that aspect of the story and it was another confirmation of the power of good within most people.  Later at home, Quincy and I watched some youtube clips from that day and I could tell he very much understood the enormity of the events that day.  He’s a very perceptive kid and I’m grateful he is able to feel empathy in a positive way.

9/11/18:  Grateful for a day at home yesterday.  I stayed put instead of going into the office.  I was fairly productive and managed to design and order the bibs for our upcoming race.  I also got a card reader from PayPal so we can accept payments at the event.  I edited a few photos from Lisa’s gig over the weekend and took care of the grocery shopping and dinner for the family.  The time went by fairly quickly and I had a list of other things I thought about doing but never got to.  Today is a new day.

9/10/18:  Received lots of positive feedback about my post over the weekend.  I’m writing for myself but would by lying if I said it didn’t feel good to create pieces that resonate with others.  Lisa’s band played yesterday and I went over with the kids to see her perform.  It was a lot of fun and I know she really enjoyed it personally.  They haven’t played much recently and I could tell it was cathartic for her to get back in the saddle.  She has such a great voice and a lot of people truly enjoy listening to her sing.  I shot some pics using the lens I borrowed from Dave Adams.  Curious to see if I got anything worthwhile but felt like I was having trouble getting used to it.  Grateful to have such a talented wife, who is capable of bringing joy to others in the form of music.

We also got word yesterday that Bella got the lead in her school play.  She was absolutely ecstatic and really deserved a choice role after putting so much time, energy and passion into the drama club for the last 4 years.  She is playing Rosie, in Bye Bye Birdie alongside Marcus, her bff.  I’m sure they will make a magical couple and crush the performances.  I’m grateful to have such a talented kid and one who worked hard even when she didn’t get the big roles she wanted the last few years.

9/9/18:  Got my mountain bike out yesterday and rode trails for the first time in a year.  Met up with my friend Doug and his brother Guy, who I had met before but not seen in years.  We rode in Massasoit State Park, which is about 3 miles from my house.  Guy wound up getting a flat tire within a few minutes of the ride and couldn’t continue.  Doug and I rode for about 45 minutes through the trails and got lost a few times.  It took me a bit to get comfortable on the bike and I improved as it went on.  It’s a different kind of workout than running or going to the gym and I am grateful that I was able to push myself and try something semi-new.  We came back to the house afterward where Lisa and I made breakfast.  Greek and Italian omelets with Jewish bagels from the deli and some fruit.

9/7/18:  Grateful that I wrote and published a post to this blog yesterday.  I launched it on July 4th and wanted to commit to a post per month.  While I didn’t achieve that, my writing has been more regular, even in small doses, like this page.  I also started a few other posts which I didn’t complete.  I’ve learned a new approach that I’m hopeful will push me further.  Typically, when I write, I edit and polish along the way.  The last two articles I’ve taken the approach of simply capturing a train of thought quickly, then circling back to edit and re-shape the words later.  I’m happy with the post and even more so that I had the courage to publish it even though it might not be perfect.

9/6/18:  Yesterday, I ran my personal best @ 5k (30:30).  It’s the second consecutive week I’ve improved on my fastest time.  Feels good to push my body and mind and I am grateful that both are still responding.

I also got a good chunk of writing done.  Immediately after my run, I came home and changed.  Instead of plopping down in front of the tv waiting for dinner, I came downstairs and put my thoughts into Evernote.  Running spawns a lot of great thinking and this time I was able to act on it.  I’ve been wanting to get another blog post done and I’m grateful I took the time to work at it yesterday.

Spoke with my nana for about 30 minutes last night.  She is turning 97 this coming weekend so I’ve been thinking of her and decided to pickup the phone.  I need to do that more and have never been particularly strong at staying connected with my family members.  She is an awesome lady and easily the most grounded, thoughtful person in our family.  I’m truly thankful that I’ve known her so long and that even my kids have spent a decent amount of time around her.  She is the simplest, most content person I ever knew.

9/5/18:  Returned to the office yesterday after a 4 day weekend.  It’s easy to complain about the job and I am guilty of losing perspective in that area.  That said, I am genuinely grateful to have a position that offers me flexibility of schedule, the chance to work semi-independently and in a low stress atmosphere.  I make a solid financial living and am able to not only meet the basic needs of my family, but provide them things and experiences beyond what I had growing up.

9/4/18:  Lisa, Q and I went to the Wabrek’s lake house for the afternoon yesterday.  Weather was picture perfect and we had a couple beers, talked on their deck and Paul drove us around on his boat.  Quincy got to hang with James, who he really looks up to.  I think it’s a great influence on him to spend time with a mature, smart, funny kid like James.  We made lunch and generally relaxed and enjoyed the day.  Grateful to have long time friends like that and for the blessings that a nice sunny day can have, if you just allow it to unfold.

9/3/18:  Lisa, Bella and I went to a pool party at Anna Araujo’s house yesterday.  It was a small gathering, mostly her immediate family and a few other friends.  We had fun, saw some of the cousin’s and had some good food, of course.  I talked with Tib about Madeira Island, which I’ve always wanted to visit.  Grateful for simple days, beautiful weather and spending time connecting with friends over the long weekend.

9/1/18:  Weight is down to 239, my lowest of 2018.  I try not to measure myself or my fitness by weight, but it’s nice to break past the 240 plateau.  I feel pretty good and my workouts have been slightly more intense/regular.  Eating control is solid.  Grateful to be relatively healthy and able to make improvements in my fitness level, even small ones.

Bella is going through a rough patch with one of her close friends.  I know she’s really upset by it and we talked a lot about it yesterday in the car as we drove around.  She is such a mature person and I am really proud of how she’s handling things.  I am genuinely grateful that she is willing to open up and talk to me about her life.  She’s an amazing person and I am fortunate to have such a good relationship with her.

8/30/18:  Ran my personal best @ 5k last night.  Since joining the running club, I’ve focused in on my pace more.  Typically, I don’t time myself when running and generally start slow and keep an even pace throughout.  My average mile is about 12 minutes.  I developed that style training for more distance, after beginning Falmouth a few years back.  Running with the club, there is a mental and physical momentum that comes along with the group.  I noticed my times were in the 11:30 range and after a few weeks I inched closer to 11:00.  A few weeks back, after Lisa started to come, I pushed down to 10:45 and last week averaged 10:18.  I told myself I was going to aim for 10 and finish a 5k in 31 minutes.  Last night I did 30:50 and felt amazing.  I am grateful that I am pushing my body lately and that mentally I’m embracing the discomfort.

8/29/18:  Saw ZZ Top last night with Lisa and the Wabreks.  Such a fun show, down at the Cape Cod Melody Tent.  Crowd was strong and raucous and I could tell the band felt it.  So good to see live music and make the effort to get out and connect with friends, even on a mid-week ‘school night’.

Sold the last of Quincy’s LEGO sets yesterday and shipped them out.  It’s been fun connecting with him on the building and selling of these, even though it added more tasks to my todo list.  I’ll be grateful to give him the proceeds (about $200!) in a few days once eBay settles up.  I’m guessing he’ll use the money to buy something computer related for his room.

8/28/18:  Bought some “chapati” from one of my Hindu friends at the office.  A bunch of the TCS contractors live together in a communal apartment complex.  They work, drive and spend time together on the weekends.  It’s a very cool eco-system and I like them all tremendously.  They often bring homemade food for lunch and recently shared some with me.  The chapati was exceptional and my friend Shravan and Anvesh told me a woman in the community cooks it daily and sells it to some of families.  I gave him some money to buy me a bag and have been eating it all day.  Grateful for the blessing of fresh, simple food and for my friendship with the TCS family.

8/27/18:  Friday, I took a hike through Massasoit Park with Lisa.  We were both home in the afternoon and it was a beautiful day so we decided to take a drive.  We browsed around some stores but I’m not much of a shopper and wanted to enjoy the warmth of the day instead of the climate controlled a/c and spending money for no reason.  We walked through the park a couple weeks back and Friday we explored some of the trails.  Grateful my wife is into walking together and comfortable spending time just being.

Saturday, we went to a family pool party at Dorothy’s new house.  It was the first time in a while that we got to socialize with Lisa’s side of the family.  I don’t usually refer to them as ‘Lisa’s side’ and think of them as my very own family.  We’ve all been connected for so many years and I truly love them all.  We got really drunk and had a ton of laughs.  They are all into having a good time and enjoying each other’s company.

Yesterday, I treated myself to some new clothes.  Nothing fancy, but replenished my socks/underwear/t-shirt drawers with mostly new items.  Grabbed a couple shirts for work and 2 pairs of jeans.  Happy to report my size hasn’t changed and one of the shirts I bought is even described as a ‘slim fit’.  That fact brings me great joy and I really am grateful for the fact that I am well off enough to treat myself to little things like this.

8/24/18:  Had the first get together for the Shine project last night with Wabrek and Mooney.  We didn’t really ‘jam’, it was more of an opportunity to listen through to the songs and discuss the arrangements.  Some of the songs will be played in different keys than the originals and we got on the same page with who would approach which guitar parts.  Totally psyched to play with such great players and friends.  It was a comfortable, easy going session and we made plans to formalize one more rehearsal for the 3 of us, and then get together with Joe Merrick and Cid to take the songs for a full spin.  Truly grateful to call so very many talented and cool musicians among my closest friends.

Yesterday afternoon, I also had coffee with an old friend, Mark Oglia, who is also a great guitar player.  We worked together many years ago as web developers at a small shop in Boston called BaseSix.  Also a music guy, we became good friends.  Mark is super smart and has a great sense of humor.  He’s also a fantastic writer, though mostly operates in the closet.  He recently got laid off from his CTO gig and is using the time to reconnect with friends.  I was pumped he called me and we sat and talked about family and life over coffee.  Such a small act brought me great joy.

8/23/18:  Q and I finished the last of his LEGO models last night.  He collected a ton of Star Wars sets when he was younger and they’ve been collecting dust on his shelves and in the attic for a few years.  We started re-building them and selling them on eBay.  For the last few weeks we’ve been working on the biggest, most expensive one, the Jawa Sandcrawler.  I’m going to post it today and will give Q the proceeds once it sells.  It’s been a cool period to give us something to work on together that’s semi-productive.  I don’t care much for playing video games since I cannot keep up, so finding projects to do together is invaluable.  I really am grateful for the time we have together.

Bella also had her first flat tire.  She got home ok, and when I came back from work, I changed it.  I felt the need to have her watch me, even though I don’t expect/want her to necessarily do that herself anytime soon.  As her dad, I want her to have some basic understanding of owning a car and what the responsibilities are.  I’m glad I was able to help her and will split the cost of the new tire with her to soften the blow.  I’m blessed to be in a financial position to take care of my family, though I want Bella to experience the importance of managing her money to cover unexpected costs.

8/22/18:  Spent last night focusing on myself a bit, for which I am grateful.  Lisa went to a gig with her friend Lynne, so after work I was by myself for a few hours.  Bella was out with friends and Q was engaged in a death match on Fortnite with his squad.  I took my car to the car wash and vacuumed and cleaned the interior.  My car is only a couple months old so it’s already very clean.  That said, I’m taking extra pride in the new whip and keeping it tight feels good.  After I got back I made fish on the grill for me and QMan.  He retreated to his room afterward and I headed downstairs to practice the Shine set.  I charted out Wasted Years, which is super helpful for me to stop and actually ‘listen’ to the song.  Finished the night with a bit of TV and caught a documentary about The Doobie Brothers.  Never knew much of their back story and I’m not a huge fan, but was reminded about how many big hits they had.  Also realized they were another band (like Sabbath, Deep Purple and Van Halen) that successfully survived a lead singer transition.

8/21/18:  Ran with the running club last night and had my fastest time yet.  33:30 for 3.25 miles.  When I started, my average mile was about 12 minutes.  The last few times out I ran 10:45 and last night was 10:18!  I’ve never really kept track of my run times formally or cared much about them.  That said, ‘training’ is more about an attempt to improve my performance and I’m trying to embrace the discomfort of pushing myself to get better, instead of merely doing it.  It’s a nice mental shift and I’m feeling grateful about my ability to surpass my expectations and assumptions about what kind of runner I am.  I think having Lisa join the club and come along has helped me in this way as she is regularly focused on training, performance and generally pushing through discomfort.

Also, I received an unexpected donation of $1,000 from an old acquaintance towards my Rawkstars fundraiser.  It’s something that really has changed me over the years to experience the generosity of so many people.  There are a couple folks in particular who have displayed such immense generosity towards the organization.  It’s re-framed what it means to be selfless to me and how doing something for others can be so rewarding for the giver.

8/20/18:  Had a productive, yet relaxing weekend.  Yesterday, I gave a drum set to my friend Chuck’s son, Chris.  His brother Anthony is a terrific guitar player that I’ve done a couple projects with through Rawkstars.  They jam together and have been using a crappy kit they pieced together from a yard sale.  I gave them a solid starter kit which they were thrilled with and already sent me a video of them jamming.

We also saw Paul and Donna briefly, which is always nice.  Donna is helping me with some RS bookkeeping for the next couple months, which I am super happy about.  This time of year is always super hectic for me, between fundraising, race training, event planning and all the other RS activities.  Then Lisa and I spent the afternoon trolling around Newport.  We ate lobster rolls, shrimp and a salad by the waterfront and shared a beer.  Walked around the downtown are for an hour and had a strong ass coffee before heading back home.

8/19/18:  Grateful for all the amazing food in my life and my overall enjoyment from it.  Lisa has been on a strict food regimen lately and has been preparing more food in advance.  I’ve taken the opportunity to take more care and attention in my own diet.  We spent a bunch of time prepping food together.  I made a quinoa salad with a smoked ham and leftover pineapple we had in the fridge.  I added peas, big chunks of onion (which make every recipe better) and ate it with chopsticks and sriracha hot sauce.  It was magnificent and so simple.  Reminded me of simple ‘street food’ that is really straightforward yet completely delicious.

8/18/18:  Really grateful that my bass chops are slowly coming back.  I’ve really started ramping up my practice the last week or so.  I’m going to be getting together with Wabrek and Mike this coming week, to run through the arrangements of the songs we are going to do with Shine at the Rawkstars gig in December.  Since I left Wicked Blue, my playing has fallen off a cliff.  Rehearsing alone is hard to motivate myself for, when there is no driving pressure of a show, or keeping up with the other band guys.  I’m super pleased that the folks I asked are willing to play with me and I want to hold up my end by being as prepared as I can.  I took the time to chart out a couple of the songs, which is always helpful for me in learning new tunes.  My finger strength and feel has a long way to go, but in just a week I’ve seen it improve a lot.

8/17/18:  Went with Lisa to see the Elvis 68 Comeback Special on the big screen last night.  Elvis was my very first musical crush and his voice literally resonates with me in a unique way, in part because of that fact.  He was an absolutely striking beauty, on top of having one of the most amazing voices in history.  He took gospel and blues and combined that with an edge that helped usher in the earliest rock n roll era.  As I thought about it, I also realized that my dad was a big reason why I was introduced to Elvis.  I don’t have many things about our relationship that I think back on with gratitude, so I was struck by that thought.

Aretha Franklin also passed away yesterday.  I am grateful that Lisa and I were able to see her perform a few years ago.  The soul music from Detroit and Motown in particular has always moved me greatly.  I feel more resonance with that era and style of music than I do for rock pioneers like The Beatles or Stones.  It’s not that I don’t like or respect those artists, but I always felt the Motown music more deeply in my body.  She was a true legend and I’m thankful for her music.

8/16/18:  Had a fast run last night @ 33:05 for 3.1 miles.  I’m thinking about running only 5k+ this year for the Rawkstars event, instead of the usual 10k+.  Thinking it might be cool to train for speed instead of distance and mix things up for my body by pushing my cardio but shorter length.  Grateful to be physically able to run despite all the pain I’ve inflicted on my body since I was a kid.  Tangentially, I am also grateful to have discovered running in general.  It’s something I’ve now been doing for 5+ years.  If you had told 40 year old me that I’d be “a runner” I would have laughed and sooner thought it possible to travel to the moon.  Another pointer in the direction of embracing change.

8/15/18:  Yesterday, I officially kicked off my 2018 fundraising campaign for Rawkstars.  It’s always an interesting process.  After 15 years, I’ve got a solid system in place, though it involves a lot of manual work and always comes with some anxiety about whether I will reach my goal.  The first few years I viewed it as an intrusion and haven’t completely rid myself of that concept.  That said, it’s become a more enjoyable process as it is also a time of year when I get to connect with many folks that I don’t regularly contact.  It also is full of surprises and really shines light on the generosity of others.  I’ll be telling people about some of the amazing Rawkstars kids and stories, in the name of ensuring our future.  It’s an experience not everyone gets to have and somewhat unique since the charity has been under my care since its inception.  For those things, I really am grateful.

I also got out for an hour and shot pictures with Bella.  We visited the Quincy Quarries, which was a cool spot to shoot.  It reminded me of the old house on Willard Street, where I lived with Rich Spillberg, Chris Gallivan and Kevin Boyle.  Anytime I get 1:1 time with Bella (or Q) is a blessing.  I was pleased with the shots after reviewing them briefly last night and I plan to spend some time editing the choice ones today.

8/14/18:  Got myself to yoga last night at the temple.  I also did some modest lifting at the office gym during lunch.  I’m truly thankful that my body is able to respond to exercise, even if I’m far from perfect.  Had a solid day of eating and aiming to build some momentum.

8/13/18:  Grateful for a fresh start today.  The weekend was something of a wash-out, and the pool party we had planned to attend got cancelled.  We spent most of the weekend holed up at the house, lounging and being sloth-like.  Not typically something I’d be grateful for, but looking at today as a clean slate to make better choices.  Lisa is starting a really strict eating plan for the next 6 weeks and I am going to join her.  I’m not planning to follow the extreme approach her diet expects but I am going to be mindful about my habits and push myself to elevate my eating and activity levels.

8/12/18:  Grateful that I managed to practice my bass the last couple of days.  Things are ramping up with the plans for my project band “Shine” to perform at the Rawkstars event on 12/1.  It’s nearly 4 months away but since I left Wicked Blue officially, my rehearsal time has been very limited.  Even when I have picked up the instrument, playing along at my desk to youtube videos is not the same as playing with live humans and pushing myself to keep up.  Wabrek, Mike Mooney, Joe Merrick and Cid are all on board for the gig and I sent around a list of 6 tunes for us to start with.  I really need a lot of polish and some time to build my strength back up.  I’m happy to be on the path to improving and that I managed to give it some focus these last couple days.

8/9/18:  Extremely grateful for the time I spent yesterday volunteering at Hole In The Wall Gang camp in Connecticut.  It’s my 3rd time volunteering at the camp and I feel really fortunate to help them in super small ways.  Yesterday, a group of us basically cleaned all day.  We made bunks, cleaned the kitchens and bathrooms, swept, mopped and emptied trash.  We were getting the cabins and clubhouse ready for the new session of kids and families who will be starting there on Friday.  The fact that the camp was founded by Paul Newman is not trivial for me.  He is one of the people I have always admired.  His films are some of my favorites, but he is also someone who inspired me through philanthropy.  He lived a very full life, sustained a 50+ year Hollywood marriage and used his wealth and notoriety in compassionate ways to make the world a better place.  He was also super good looking 😉 . I’d like to do more hands-on volunteering and plan to make a point of that going forward.  Doing it with my kids would be amazing.

8/8/18:  Had a solid meeting with my bosses boss, Jen yesterday.  It’s a semi-regular occurrence called ‘the donut of learning’.  Jen has a real knack for teasing info out of me by asking pointed questions.  She does a good job of interpreting my answers and offering cogent, direct advice.  Work has been pretty stale for a while and while I really like working for Hasbro, my daily role is pretty unfulfilling.  Grateful to have some fresh perspective and maybe some inspiration to move ahead in new ways.

8/7/18:  Got myself to the running club again last night with Lisa.  It was super hot and the run was tough.  Proud that I didn’t pass up the opportunity and that I completed the run.  Been trying to push my pace lately and even with the heat, I managed to run a 10:45 average, which is great for me.  My normal pace, when running 5k+ is closer to 12m miles.

8/6/18:  Grateful that I got to spend 2/3 of my weekend days at the pool.  Visited my MIL’s poolyard on Friday afternoon and yesterday went to the Mooney’s.  Both were filled with eating, drinking, talking, listening to music and lounging.  Quincy brought his friend Seth on Friday and John Mandeville came yesterday.  We wrapped up the day with a trip to Amaro’s for ice cream.  I was also grateful for how much time he spent socializing this weekend.  In addition he had his buddy Josh and a new kid named Daris come by the house on Saturday.  Bella is away much of this week in Maine with Kearsten and her family, so we missed having her with us.

8/3/18:  Went out to the Portuguese “Feast Of The Blessed Sacrament” in New Bedford last night to see Queensryche.  Yes, you read that correctly 😉 . Lisa, Q and his friend Scotty tagged along.  We ate linguica sandwiches, malasada and drank a few cold beers.  The kids went on a couple 70s era carnival rides and we navigated the super crowded streets enjoying a warm summer night and some people watching.

The band were a shell of their former glory and playing this venue reminded me of the “Puppet Show and Spinal Tap” sign, from the classic movie.  That said, they played Walk In The Shadows, The Whisper and Eyes of a Stranger, back to back to back and I felt grateful for the experience as we headed back to the car.

8/2/18:  Took the family out for Chinese food last night.  We don’t do either often; eating Chinese or eat out all together.  Was nice to have Bella home for the night and we all enjoyed the time together.  I ate fairly mindfully, which I am also thankful for.

I also spent a lot of time over the last 48 hours making posters for both the Rawk Run and the 15th Anniversary gig we are planning.  The events have been in the planning phase for quite some time and now the reality of making them happen is starting to hit me.  It was nice to make a bit of tangible process in several areas on each path.

7/30/18:  Yesterday morning I took a beginner’s photography class in Providence.  It was basic but I need to start at the beginning.  I feel like my picture taking has come a long way in the last year and I’ve improved my composition and post-production skills.  I don’t have a strong understanding my camera and its features.  I’ll be attending the course again next weekend for part 2.  Grateful to spend a couple hours doing something productive and finally taking the leap into something I’ve been thinking about doing for some time.

7/29/18:  Eventful day.  Took a ride to South Shore Music to meet DiMario and his mom Marie.  He is a 9 year old drum student that has been taking lessons through Rawkstars for about 6 months.  Typically, I meet all the students and parents prior to enrolling them, but at the time, it wasn’t possible in their case.  He gave us the sweetest thank you card and he and Marie couldn’t have been more gracious and thankful.  It’s an absolute honor to be able to connect with families through music and Rawkstars has provided me with one of the greatest gifts of my life, in that regard.

Later in the afternoon, we went to Sharyn Donlinsky’s 50th birthday party.  We’ve known her since high school and it was sweet to be invited to her bash.  We saw lots of old friends there including Louie/Trish, Paul/Donna, Doug/Sue and Dave Liolios.  It was awesome to connect with those guys as always and we added another fun day to our already long history together.

We took off from the party early as we had tickets to see The Four Tops and The Temptations at South Shore Music Circus.  That’s a classic Massachusetts venue and it’s a bit of a summer tradition to sit under the tent and see great music.  I’m such a huge fan of classic Motown and both bands had one original member still touring.  The songs hit me so powerfully and resonate with me deeply.  I’m also thankful to have a wife who enjoys getting out to see live music as often as I like to myself.

7/27/18:  Glad I got to spend some 1:1 time with Quincy last night.  Both of the girls were out of the house and he and I spent the evening hanging out.  Nothing fancy, but we watched Star Wars, episode 3 and then played Lego SW on Xbox, something we used to do when he was little.  Way back when I could actually play video games with him without being overwhelmed.  We ate ice cream and other junk snacks, like guys do when women aren’t around.  I stayed up a bit late, as he was begging me to hang.  It was sweet and I’m glad he wants to spend time with me.

7/26/18:  Lisa made an amazing dinner last night, as she often does.  Been eating a ton of meat lately and was craving something vegetarian.  She crafted a stir-fry with tofu, mushrooms, mung beans, peppers, onions and bok-choy.  It had this great spicy/sweet sauce she made from scratch.  I don’t take for granted the amazing food I’m able to eat each day, the fact that I have a wife who is skilled at preparing it and that we both generate so much pleasure from all aspects of food.

7/25/18:  Today I had a fabulous interaction with a guy at my office.  His name is Jonathan and I see him everyday.  He is a custodian at our building and one of his jobs is to clean the bathrooms.  Like most offices and public restrooms in general, ours are absolutely awful.  They are far too small and insufficient in relation to the number of folks using them.  As a result, they always smell terribly.  I emerged from the stall, after contributing heavily to the stench, to find Jonathan cleaning one of the sinks.  I felt the internal embarrassment that comes with the shared knowledge that I was making his current job an even worse experience.  Instead of averting my eyes, he engaged me.  We talked about his home in the Dominican Republic and the fact that he spoke at least 4 languages.  He worked in a resort there and had to interact with guests from all over the globe.  He’s a young guy, 27 years old and married.  He has a great smile and we now know each other by name.  I felt so grateful that I spoke with him.  He couldn’t have been more engaged in our conversation and the fact that he was simultaneously cleaning our horrible bathroom seemingly had no impact on how he felt at that moment.  Lesson learned.

7/24/18:  Grateful I got myself to yoga class yesterday.  It was my second go-round at the temple and I was excited to attend.  The teacher was a different woman than the prior week and her style did not resonate with me whatsoever.  I wasn’t able to flow with her approach and never got comfortable during the 90 minute session.  That said, I’m glad I showed up and took care of my body as best as I could.

Also, sold Q’s next Star Wars Lego set on eBay.  This is the 3rd model we have completed and sold in the last few weeks.  He’s made about $250 after expenses, which is pretty cool considering these are items that were sitting in his closet unused.  We also had the enjoyment of reconstructing the projects together and bonding over the experience.  Proud of him for putting forth the effort, even if I have to force the issue to make it happen.

7/23/18:  Bella had a great party last night.  As mentioned, she has such awesome friends and it was really cool to see them all at the house.  Quincy made her the sweetest card, with pics of Ajax on the cover.  He made it on the computer and I could tell he made it with love for his sister.  He also gave her $20 of the money he just got from selling his Legos on eBay.  Grateful that both of my kids are gracious and generous with their resources.

7/22/18:  Today is Miss B’s 17th birthday!  I am so proud of the person she has become.  She enjoys life and takes full advantage of what it has to offer.  She has a great group of friends and she spends time having fun, balanced with working hard at Subway.  She knows that school is something she needs to do well at, but doesn’t place too much importance on it.  She has music in every corner of her life and I expect someday she’ll join her own band, as Lisa and I did later in life.  She has healthy attitudes towards food, relationships and boys and I almost never worry about her.  In some ways it’s hard to believe that she is 17 but in another, she always seemed that mature.  I love her with all my heart and will enjoy spending time with her today, as I always do.

7/21/18:  Yesterday, Lisa and I celebrated our 21st anniversary.  We went down to Sakonnet Vineyard in R.I.  I’m not a wine guy, but we did a tasting of 7 varieties and it was really nice.  The grounds are beautiful and we sat outside, talked and sipped wine.  They have an outdoor bandstand area and I’d love to go back and see some live music at night.  We ate fish tacos, an artisan cheese platter and a Mediterranean assortment of olives, hummus, grape leaves, nuts and honey.  After we got a little buzzed we walked the grounds a bit through a cleared path.  I took some pics and it was amazingly tranquil.  Absolute silence, except for the birds, which felt awesome.  We got home early, around 7pm, and then sat outside with a fire and the 70s music channel on Sirius for the rest of the night.  Grateful.

7/20/18:  Went out for a nice family dinner last night.  Doesn’t happen often as we cook at home almost every night.  Bella also has a busy schedule and isn’t always around for dinner time.  It was nice to get out all together and have a meal out of the house.  This weekend is our anniversary, plus Bella’s 17th birthday.  It’s always a cool time of year and I’m really looking forward to the weekend festivities.

7/19/18:  Sharing twice today.  I received a call from Robin Santos, who owns the local music store with her husband Rick.  We have become both partners and friends over the years.  They are a great couple and run a top notch business, with a real focus on the music students and their families.  She brought me news of a mom who was struggling to pay for her twin girls’ lessons.  We happen to know the family as well, by coincidence.  Rawkstars was able to step in and assist them in keeping the kids involved with their lessons.  They are great kids and are both profoundly impacted by music.  It’s their identity in many ways similar to Bella.  I am immensely grateful to be able to support them, and also to be a partner with Rick and Robin.  Having someone ask for your help and being able to fulfill it is one of the true joys of being alive.  Rawkstars allows me to do that more than I otherwise would and for that I am super thankful.

7/19/18: I participated with the running club again last night.  Lisa came along with me for the first time and also enjoyed it.  We saw Cathy Nolan there who is a cool, inspirational chick that pushes herself mentally and physically, even though, like me, she doesn’t have an “ideal body type” for running.  On Monday, Lisa and I also went together to the Buddhist temple in Raynham for a yoga class.  I had tried to visit the temple a few times for meditation class, but this was the my actual visit inside.  The space was tremendous and it felt great doing yoga for the first time in a while.  I am truly appreciative of the fact that I am able to participate in activities to keep my body in decent shape.  I often get caught up in how much better I could/should be doing in that area while losing perspective on the fact that I am simply doing it.  At 47, my lifestyle is 180 degrees different from how it was 7+ years ago, when exercise, healthy eating and mindfulness were not part of my thought process whatsoever.  People can change.  Grateful that I also have a partner who is focused on these areas as well, so we can walk the path together sometimes.

7/18/18:  Had a team breakfast at work yesterday.  I brought in a huge bowl of slow cooker oatmeal I made the night before.  There were a few dishes and contributions by others.  I really enjoy communal eating and sharing and am glad I work someplace where this is feasible and encouraged.

I was also able to share the final mix of Bella’s cover version of “Try Me”, which I’ve been working on for a few months.  Played it for some friends who genuinely seemed to enjoy it and I think Bella was even proud of it, though she plays it close to the vest 🙂  I feel lucky to be able to combine my passion for music and network of musicians and studio experience into a cool project with Bella and Lisa.  Definitely psyched for that!

7/17/18:  Visited the Buddhist temple in Raynham last night for a yoga class.  It was amazing inside and felt great to participate in yoga after a few months of being away from it.  Lisa came with me and also enjoyed it.  Grateful for the chance to peek into the temple a bit and I was able to get a schedule of their available meditation classes.

7/16/18:  Grateful for all the amazing food in my life and for a partner who takes as much pleasure in it as I do.  Spent a lazy Sunday at home, grocery shopping and then a bunch of cooking.  I take so much pleasure in eating and also preparing food.  I think I even enjoy the cleanup process!  Lisa and I made a fabulous lunch.  Chicken skewers, quinoa salad and steamed vegetables.  Watermelon and cherries for dessert.  We sipped tequila out in the yard at the firepit until it started raining.

7/15/18:  Had a tremendous day yesterday with the Armored Saint guys.  Organized a dinner/hang with Joey V, his wife Tracy, Mike Colucci and John Arch.  Met JV/TV at the venue and watched the end of soundcheck, plus the meet/greet session.  Hard to be standing there off to the side and not think about all the cool gigs working in that same situation.  Metal fans always have huge hearts and are so deeply impacted by the music.  One of my fondest road memories is the after show in Moscow.  A hundred or so fans waited around and were led into the empty venue.  The band was standing in front of the stage greeting, taking pics and signing while I played Uli Roth era Scorpions over the PA.  I often would take pics for fans so they could all gather in the shots and I always really enjoyed that experience.

I Ubered the crew over to Zaftig’s, a famous Boston Jewish Deli over in Brookline.  I had a corned beef on rye with a ton of awesome kosher mustard.  It’s one of the delicacies that brings me back to my childhood.  We talked about our families, music, comedy, pop culture and Mike’s recent gigs with Ringo.  There was another couple who drove from upstate NY to see John, who also joined us.

The gig was really energetic.  Boston crowd turned out in full force and the room was very full.  I took some pics, though nothing special.  They played the entire Symbol of Salvation record as well as another 6 or 8 of their classic tunes.  John owned the crowd and of course talked about Boston history.  He referenced The Channel, The Orpheum, Narcissus and even The Living Room in Providence.  He also brought up The Celtics and Big Papi, which made me smile.

Afterward we caught up in the dressing room and we swapped some family stories.  His daughter is in a roller derby tournament he was sad to have missed.  All of the gigs I’ve been around Saint he has always had his wife and/or kids with him, so I know they have a strong connection.  He and Colucci reminisced a lot about the old Boston days.  John and Joey both have a really strong memory and connection to all the gigs they’ve played.  It’s really cool and is one of the things that bonds them to people.

I’m incredibly blessed to have so much of my life revolve around music and to be connected with so many talented and amazing people who feel the same.  Totally rambling here but you can tell how much the night meant to me.

7/14/18:  Eating habits have been more consistent for me lately.  My weight is back down to 243, the lowest it’s been in a few months.  My shirts are fitting better and I don’t feel as sluggish.  Had Q’s friends over the house yesterday and took them to the mall for pizza.  Good group of kids and I like joking with the boys.  Q kinda makes fun of me but I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m actually funny, which makes me smile.

I had a fire by myself for a few hours as Lisa was out for the night with the girls from the gym.  I made the most of it and listened to lots of music.  Trying to generate ideas for the Shine set.  Even though it’s months away, I’m going to need lots of personal practice time as my chops are soft at this point, after not playing regularly the last several months.  Grateful to have something to push me in that area.

7/13/18:  Last night I had an awesome session and hang with Joe Merrick.  We finished up the mix for “Try Me”, the UFO track we did with Bella and Lisa singing.  I was extremely happy with the sounds and levels.  Mixing is absolutely one of my most favorite activities.  The song is super delicate and we were able to really bring drama to it, by evening out the strings and making really subtle level changes.  Bella and Lisa are absolutely amazing.  B is such a naturally good singer and Lisa has a superior ability to both harmonize and align with whomever she is singing with.  She hears so well and quickly adapts to whomever she is partnered with.

I also asked Joe about playing drums for “Shine” this year and he agreed!  We did one song together last year (Dazed & Confused by Zeppelin) and it was pure joy for me.  Playing in a rhythm section with him was illuminating and incredibly fun for me.  The project is shaping up perfectly and for that, I am truly blessed.

7/12/18:  I’ve been quite lax lately with regards to practicing music.  Last night I spent some time learning a few new songs and starting to make a list of song ideas for the Narrows Center gig on 12/1.  I’ll be doing another version of the “Shine” project and am starting to put the ideas and band together.  So far, I have Paul Wabrek on board and confirmed for one guitar spot.  I also published the ticketing page to begin the process of promoting the show and of course selling tickets.  With all the other activities lately, I’m feeling like planning for the event is a bit behind where I’d like it to be.  Glad I made the smallest bit of progress on that front in the last couple days.

Weighed in this morning at 243, my lowest since we went away to Mexico.  Feeling better lately about my eating and activity level and it’s nice to see it pay off on the scale as well as my clothes fitting slightly better.

7/11/18:  Went out for drinks with some folks from work, courtesy of our boss Jen.  Had some good laughs and it was nice to spend time with my peers outside the office.  I don’t do that enough and I focused on the moment instead of rushing to get back home.

I’ve been working to acquire a cello for a Rawkstars applicant from Austin, TX.  We typically don’t service kids outside the local area, but on occasion do.  I received an email asking for help on the day I returned from my visit there with Bella last month.  It was too coincidental to ignore and I decided to fulfill the request.  I have a 3/4 cello at the house from my encounter with Jack, an elderly cello builder, a few years back.  I had to purchase a hard shell case, which unfortunately, didn’t fit the custom cello.  So I purchased a student instrument and now have the full outfit to ship to Texas this week.

Over the weekend I helped Quincy get his old Lego collections sorted, built and posted on eBay for sale.  Yesterday, we sold the two items I had posted within 48 hours!  He’s going to receive about $175, after all expenses.  He has two other valuable sets and I hope to continue getting him focused on constructing, packaging and posting those this weekend.  I’m really grateful to help him do something productive that will result in him getting a fairly large amount of money.

7/10/18:  Connected with the running club for my 3rd race last night.  Had a solid run that felt fairly loose from the get go.  I ran into my friend Jill and her son, who was very cute.  I asked him about school and he told me he got a “C” in music class 🙂

I got started on the creation of my fundraising spreadsheet for the summer Rawkstars season.  Each year, I track all the donations for each team member through a Google sheet.  It’s kind of painstaking, but it’s my way of feeling I have some control over what’s happening.  It’s helpful historically also and in keeping the books accurate.  This year, it’s more complex as we have a new service to track run signups for our newly minted “Rawk Run”, which also includes a separate donation component.  Then we will have the normal fundraising channels using Fundly’s service.  Lastly, I am including tickets for our Rawkshow which will be happening just two months after the race.  Grateful that we have so much activity and appreciative of my ability to keep some oversight on it.

7/9/18:  Spent time connecting with many old friends this weekend.  On Saturday, we went by Glenn Rice’s annual BBQ/Concert.  Always a great turnout, Glenn and Elissa attract a crowd of super sweet metalheads and create an atmosphere of sharing, community and overall coolness.  At the party, we saw an Iron Maiden tribute band fronted by a woman who blew me away.  She sang with reckless abandon and poured her heart into every note.  Very, very metal.

Yesterday, we went with Mikey and Alyssa to the Providence Oyster Bar.  They are officially leaving this week to start their new adventure in Colorado.  Wyatt spent one last afternoon with Quincy, which was sweet as hell.  We had a great meal and went for coffee and gelato afterwards at the Italian grocery around the corner.  We ate a delicious meal and got to spend time with one of our favorite couples.  Happy we had the opportunity to connect one more time and that we’ve had such a close friendship with them over the years.  Looking forward to spending time with them in their new digs someday and planning our next family vacation together.

7/6/18:  Continued to get some nice comments on the blog post yesterday.  So cool to hear from people who I don’t connect with very often and hear such positive feedback.   22 people subscribed to the blog after that first post.  I got a nugget of an idea for a new post based on “The Chase is Better Than the Catch”, about how most of us are chasing the feeling of life instead of just living it.

Weighed myself this morning after skipping that activity for several weeks.  245, which was better than expected.  I’ve been doing well lately being mindful of my food intake without acting like a Nazi.  Listened to a podcast yesterday about mindful eating which discussed our relationships with food.  Lots of relatable content there 🙂  Grateful to be shining a light on this aspect of my health lately, instead of continuing to ignore it as I have been.

7/5/18:  Yesterday I saw Lisa’s band play at a July 4th house party.  Not the greatest gig setup and it was hot as hell outside.  Still, I was thankful to hang with some friends for the afternoon and see Lisa perform.  The kids also came along for most of the afternoon.  Bella brought a friend from work and they lounged on the beach.  Q went swimming to try and combat the heat and although they took off early, it was cool having them along.

I got a ton of kind feedback on my post about Tom and the official launch of this blog.  It felt nice to have some folks see/read the article(s) and many of them talked about how awesome Tom was.  Some commented positively  about my writing which made me feel good.  I’m hopeful to keep writing and to push myself in that area moving forward.

7/4/18:  Grateful that I finally launched this blog today.  Thus far I hadn’t shown it to anyone and only told Lisa and Q I was working on it.  Felt good.  Watching Serena and Federer today at Wimbledon and just came back from some stretching and lifting at the gym.  Content.

7/3/18:  Last night I participated in the “Monday Night Fun Run” with the Old Colony Running Club.  It was a 5k course in Raynham and Jamie Clasby introduced me to the group.  It was my second run with the club, after having done the Wednesday night variety at DW Field’s Park a few weeks back.  It was super hot and I struggled throughout most of it.  I focused on simply continuing and just competing with myself (iAgainsti :).  I enjoy being part of the group and have met a couple other folks, casually.  I also ran into Jill Whittemore, who was there with her daughter, who runs with the club as part of her High School track team.  Hadn’t seen Jill since the Rawkstars gig last November and it was nice to catch up.  Despite the fact that I am not in terrific shape right now, I was grateful to be able to complete the 5k and push myself mentally enough to simply show up.

7/2/18:  Yesterday, we went out to lunch with the Bento crew.  It was intended as a goodbye as Mikey, Alyssa, Wyatt and Abi are headed to Colorado in a week or so.  Always nice to connect with those guys and we will miss them for sure.  Wyatt stayed over and I know Quincy will be bummed to have WB out of his regular rotation of friends.  Still, I’m happy for them and hope everything works out as they hope in their new adventure.  It will give us an excuse to visit the mid-west.  I’ve always wanted to visit the national parks in Utah and see a gig at Red Rocks.

Lisa and I went out last night to see David Blaine.  He is one of my all time favorite entertainers and did not disappoint.  He performed some of his incredible card tricks that shock and confound as they unfold.  He also did some endurance art, including being submerged in a tank of water for 10 minutes!  I thought about how cool it was that he has pushed himself to such incredible limits with his mind/body.  He could easily have had a super successful career in magic, simply by doing the street tricks he originally became famous for.  He is a true artist and like Houdini, a real life superhero.  He had the audience on the edge of their seats.  So thankful that we were able to see his show in person.  Very inspirational.

7/1/18:  I was briefly disappointed that Portugal got knocked out of the World Cup yesterday, but grateful to have watched much of the tournament.  It gave me the opportunity to think about my cousin Tom Raposo, who always got super excited about soccer and of course anything to do with Portugal.  Otherwise, we spent a quiet family, day mostly at home, which was really nice.

6/30/18:  Happy that I got myself moving today.  Took Lisa and Quincy out to Providence Oyster Bar last night for a terrific seafood dinner.  Afterward, we got coffee and briefly watched a band playing Italian standards at the outdoor plaza.  This morning, I woke up and decided to take action about the way I’ve been feeling, physically and mentally.  I suited up, jogged to the gym and did some stretching and mild weight lifting.  I drank a bunch of water and then ran back home.  Made a fresh, healthy breakfast and stopped eating when I started to feel full.  Today I’ll be rooting for Portugal in the knockout round of the World Cup and aiming to be mindful about my activity level and food intake.

6/29/18:  Went out with Lisa last night to see Kings X @ The Met in Pawtucket.  Dug had lots of technical difficulties with his rig and a monitor mix that he complained about all night.  Grateful to get out and see some live rock music, as it’s been a while.  I shot lots of pics with my new cell phone camera (S9+) but had mixed results.  At a glance, they didn’t seem to have a very sharp focus and I struggled with the screen controls all night.  Will take some time to get used to shooting with it and to learn the functions.  Got compliments yesterday on my photography from multiple people after posting my NYC pics.  Gratifying to have others enjoy the visuals and reinforced my love of taking pictures.  I should take a class and learn how to truly utilize my camera.

6/28/18:  The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.  My car was involved in a hit and run, after being parked in front of our friend’s home as we attended their son’s graduation party.  I had 3 remaining payments and was planning to gift the car to Bella once paid off.  The car was pretty severely damaged, to the tune of $6500.  Surprisingly, the insurance company did not total it and I’ve since gotten it back.  In the meantime, I bought a 2018 Honda Accord, which I really love.  I was able to give the Corolla to Bella last week, which felt amazing, as a parent.  She’s a great kid and deserves her own ride.  I’m proud of her.

Earlier this week, we all visited NYC for a couple days mid-week.  Bella attended the Paramore concert in Brooklyn and I decided to drive her there and bring Lisa and Q along.  We visited Central Park, Rockerfelller Plaza Times Square and the 9/11 Memorial, which was quite moving.  I took some pictures I am happy with and got lots of compliments on them, after showing some off.

I had 3 interviews since my last post for the position at School Of Rock.  I didn’t get an offer, but the process was great and I learned a lot.  Several friends advised me on the interview and my resume.  It was nice to share the experience with some folks I don’t talk to regularly.  It also gave me some much needed perspective on my gig at Hasbro, which is pretty darn good by most measures.  I’m thankful that my life is so full of love and opportunity, even if it doesn’t always turn out the way I hope.

5/30/18:  Spoke with someone via phone yesterday about an extremely interesting and exciting professional opportunity.  It’s been swirling in my head nonstop and could change my course dramatically.  It’s frightening to consider such change, but so far resonates with me in a way that makes it feel right.  Being presented with this opportunity has also caused me to reach out to some other friends for advice, giving me more chances to connect with people I don’t regularly see.  Grateful to be in such a solid professional position and to have the support of so many smart, talented folks.  It’s a nice reminder and I feel blessed.

5/28/18:  Had an amazing breakfast meeting with an old friend, Colleen, from my Upromise days.  She is a super smart, experienced product owner and agreed to chat with me about Rawkstars and the new direction I’m looking to take it.  It was energizing to spend time with someone who understands what I’m thinking about and is able to advise and guide me.  She challenged my commitment level and I know she is spot on in her assessment of my engagement.  It motivated me to create a personal backlog of tasks and I’m planning to systematically work on them a bit each day to drive the concepts forward.  Slow is ok for me, but I want to make meaningful progress towards my goals.

5/27/18:  Memorial Day weekend.  Our refrigerator is dying and we had our A/C serviced, only to find out it’s also on its last legs.  While I don’t relish emptying half of my savings account to replace these items, I am thankful that I am in position to absorb the costs and not have it destroy my financial well being.  I know a lot of people would be severely impacted by such occurrences, financially and mentally.  For me, I’m truly blessed to be able to take care of these needs for my family and not get too caught up in what things I’ll miss out on due to the expense.  Thankful.

5/25/18:  I’ve been off my schedule for the last week as I took a business/pleasure trip to Austin and San Antonio.  I attended a QA Manager’s workshop in S.A. and decided to go a few days early to spend time in Austin.  I brought Bella along with me, which was really cool.  The workshop itself was informative and I met some cool, experienced tech manager’s from all over the world.  It gave me a new perspective on the role of QA, which I’m hopeful will resonate with my team.

Spending time alone with Bella was also nice.  I took Quincy to San Francisco last year and it showed me the importance of getting some alone time to focus on him.  Bella is nearly 17 and I think it’s important for us to spend time together outside the typical familial dynamic.

We ate like kings, as Austin is an amazing food city.  The S.A. Riverwalk is also a cool spot, and much more built up than the last time I visited, which was 1995 with Fates Warning and Dream Theater.  I got out and ran a few mornings in the early hours when the city was quiet.  It was cool to explore and there are so many neighborhoods which were conducive to running.

My meditation practice suffered with my schedule change.  I’m a true creature of habit and being out of my normal routine, made it hard for me to devote time to sitting each morning.  Planning to use the upcoming long weekend to steer myself back to some positive patterns including some gym time and maybe even picking up my bass!

I’m specifically grateful that my position and company allows me the opportunity to take these types of trips to develop my career.

5/17/18:  Yesterday I had the tremendous pleasure of presenting on behalf of Rawkstars to the Brockton Rotary Club.  It was an excellent opportunity to hone my public speaking skills, something which I’m trying to get better at.  I felt comfortable and was grateful for the audience and also to connect with some of its members personally.  Afterward, a gentleman named Mort came over and shook my hand.  He told me he grew up during the Great Depression and served in the Pacific theater during WW2.  What an honor to connect with Mort!  My friend Teresa Ronan had nominated me/Rawkstars and it felt kinda awesome that she thought highly enough of us to bring us in.

Later in the evening, I came home and was doing some writing/thinking about Rawkstars and its future.  Been doing a lot of that lately and soul searching about finding more purpose in my day job.  I have a plan forming about a subscription model for the business which will take us/me out of the annual fundraising cycle and more into a budgeting process.  In some of my research, I started digging into the School of Rock website.  I noticed a job posting for their Canton office, titled IT Director.  I read it and was energized by the thought of applying.  I poked around LinkedIn and found their CEO.  In my network, I knew 4 people who were 1st connections of his.  I drafted an email to David Coppins, who became CEO of Upromise towards the end of my tenure.  We had a solid relationship and I’ve talked to him a couple times in the years since leaving Upromise.  He himself has been CEO of at least two other companies since.  He immediately answered my note with very positive feedback and energy.  He told me he would be happy to recommend me for the position and would draft a note connecting me with the School of Rock CEO this weekend.  Not sure where it will lead, and even if it doesn’t pan out, the fact that David was so willing to go to bat for me feels amazing.

5/16/18:  8 years ago today I made a decision to stop destroying my body and self-medicating with food.  I remember it well.  I was working at Digitas, which required me to walk from South Station to my office near Downtown Crossing.  As most commuters are, I developed into a fast, focused walker.  As I was passing the building adjacent to mine, I caught a long view of myself in the mirrored, glass exterior.  I was pretty horrified.  I had been severely overweight for most of my adult life, but something about the way I looked that morning felt different.  I started thinking about making another run at ‘dieting’, something I had done many times throughout the years, to varying levels of success, but always temporary.  Later that afternoon, news spread of the death of Ronnie James Dio.  He was certainly not overweight, but something about the fact that one of my childhood heroes had passed away made me feel my mortality in a new way.  Over the last 8 years, I have dropped somewhere in the ballpark of 100 lbs.  I’ve had ups/downs and times when I was hyper focused and other times when I fall back into old habits of eating.  Still, I took a fork in my path that day that forever changed my course, for the better.

5/15/18:  Thankful that I’ve been able to better prioritize my health the last couple days.  I did a good job of that for much of the first part of 2018, and stumbled over the last 4-5 weeks.  It began a week or so prior to our vacation, when I gave myself permission to mentally check out.  Poor eating has always been a slippery slope for me.  It’s akin to an alcoholic having ‘just one drink’.  Before I know it, I am talking myself out of the gym and into rewarding myself by not being mindful with what I consume.  Solid workouts the last 2 days and trying to re-focus on what’s important.

5/14/18:  For Mother’s Day I took the family for brunch to ‘Milk Money’ in Providence.  Wyatt slept over the night before so he also joined us, which was awesome.  He’s such a good kid and I really enjoy having him around.  Tapas for breakfast was a bit odd but the food and service were excellent.  Today, I listened to a podcast featuring this woman named Shiza Shahid, through which I learned about the Malala Fund.  I was inspired to donate $200 to their cause, which is how much I spent on brunch yesterday.  Malala, who the fund is named after, has an absolutely amazing story.  I’m so grateful that I learned about it and also that I live someplace where my own daughter has so many opportunities to make any life for herself that she chooses.

5/12/18:  Yesterday was Bella’s prom.  She invited a ton of her friends over and they spent several hours doing makeup, dressing and generally being teenage girls.  Dorothy came by and did hair for B and Kearsten.  I wasn’t expecting it, but a ton of parents and relatives showed up.  It was really cool to have so many people at the house buzzing with excitement.  The kids all looked great and Bella seemed so happy and comfortable at the center of all of it.  I managed to get a couple decent pics, despite the high mid-day sun.  She and Marcus made such a cute couple and I slipped her $100 to help ensure she had a great time.  As has been the case lately, she had to rise early today and open at Subway.  Truly in awe of how amazing and together Bella is.

5/11/18:  Been dedicating chunks of time lately to thinking about changing course with Rawkstars.  I’ve been searching and listening for cues about what direction I want to take my career.  It’s an interesting exercise as most people ‘know’ they want to do something different, but when asked what specifically that things is, come up empty.  I think I’ve landed on the fact that what makes me genuinely happy is connecting with parents and students of Rawkstars.  More specifically, I want to tell their stories and celebrate their successes.

I’ve always thought that was where the ‘gold’ lied, with regards to the program.  It’s the thing that resonates most with others and with myself.  We’ve occasionally done a decent job of capturing those stories up front, but never in a more programmatic way to build the business.  I want to invest heavily in that aspect of our program and move in the direction of subscription based donors.

Manual, event-based fundraising has gotten us this far, but it’s time consuming, unpredictable and not scalable.  I had a brief connection via email with an old friend from Upromise who said she would give me some of her time to discuss a product strategy, which I hope will propel me further down this path.

5/10/18:  Had a nice father/son conversation with Q last night.  I told him some of my ideas about transforming Rawkstars and he reciprocated by telling me about his desire to grow his Youtube persona.  We talked a lot about technology, since he wants to get back to streaming commentary once the new game, State of Decay 2, comes out in a few weeks.  He has saved about $600 over the last several months to buy a gaming PC.  I think I am going to surprise him by purchasing the hardware he needs and making up the shortfall in money.  Seeing him excited about something productive, even related to gaming, is awesome.

5/7/18:  Spent the day yesterday at Mikey and Alyssa’s place watching the Bruins bow out of the playoffs :/  Regardless, it was a fun afternoon and nice to have all the kids present.  Bella’s bff Kearsten even joined us.  We got Town Spa pizza and predictably, I ate too much.  Crashed early last night and was grateful to wake up refreshed, even after a poor day of eating.

5/6/18:  Woke up this morning to an empty house.  Lisa is at bootcamp, Bella’s working the morning shift and Quincy slept over Wyatt’s.  Can’t recall the last time this happened when I wasn’t traveling.  It’s an odd, but peaceful feeling.  I’m going to make pancakes!

I spent all day yesterday working in the yard.  First mow of the season, got the patio cleaned off and arranged in a more intimate setup, raked, trimmed the hedges, re-stacked all the firewood, neatened the shed and cleared some brush from the woods.  Lisa and I sat until nearly midnight with a beautiful fire and drank tequila.  Bella joined us after work and it was really great.

5/5/18:  Went to see Lake Street Dive @ Sinclair last night.  Always enjoy seeing live music with Lisa and the band were even better than the last time we saw them, which is saying something.  They released their new record yesterday and it was a rare treat seeing them in an intimate setting.  I got a couple decent pictures.  Before the show, we got Falafel roll-ups and ate outside in Harvard Square on a gorgeous spring evening.

5/3/18:  I worked from home this morning to facilitate an early morning call with my extended team in India.  I connected with an old friend, Karthik, who recently was blessed with a new baby girl.  Like most of the Indian contractors I’ve had the pleasure of working with, he is a super sweet guy, humble and has a fantastic smile.

Being home allowed me to perform my morning meditation outside on the deck, instead of my usual office basement spot.  The sun has been really warm the last few days and the bird activity added greatly to the experience.

Yesterday, my company had their annual Raffle Rumble, which raised over $30k for charity.  Hasbro is a super philanthropic company and for my mixed feelings about the day to day portion of my job, they do an awesome job of supporting a ton of great causes.  I left with a warm, inspired feeling about my co-workers and company.

4/27/18:  Last night I attended my first group meditation class.  I visited Serlinpa Center in New Bedford, after looking at their website and schedule roughly a dozen times but never attending.  I made time for myself, took the 25 minute drive and it was great.  The ‘class’ consisted of (2) 20 minute meditations and a talk in between.  It was a bit more of a passive experience than I hoped, but afterward, I connected with a few of the other folks in attendance. I’ve been on this path of studying buddhism for about 18 months now, and am practicing meditation almost daily.  That said, I’ve felt a bit slanted in the ‘academic’ area and have been looking for something more deep and communal and human to add to my practice.  This was a tiny step in that direction so I’m proud of myself for making the effort.

4/25/18;  Bruins won a wild game 7 vs. Toronto!  Not only is it awesome they advanced, but the activity itself connected me with some folks I haven’t spoken to much lately.  Chris Weekly reached out to me for the first time in over a year and we talked hockey and made tentative plans to watch a game in round #2.  Next up Tampa Bay.

4/24/18:  Happy to have connected with my mom yesterday.  She called me distraught about financial news related to my brother.  I was able to listen to her with presence and offer some small comfort, without judgement.

I’m also grateful to experience game 7 tonight with the Bruins.  Most folks are disappointed in their last few losses after being up 3-1 against Toronto, but there is nothing as exciting as a win or go home game in hockey.

4/22/18:  Spent several hours doing yard work yesterday.  I raked mostly and took breaks in between.  I brought a chair from the backyard to sit in the driveway.  The sun was strong and I was able to sit with just an undershirt and shorts.  I closed my eyes and focused on breathing.  Our street was super quiet and the sounds of nature were everywhere.  It felt nice to peacefully connect, in relative silence and take pride in making our yard look nicer.

4/21/18:  After a 2-week stretch of being in ‘vacation mode’, overeating and downward momentum, I got up early and rode my bike.  We returned home yesterday, and I had a solid day of self-control.  Cooked for the first time all week and it felt great to nourish my body instead of abusing it.  Added that bit of exercise today and aiming to build on these small successes, one day at a time.

4/17/18:  Spent a ton of time today with the family.  Swimming, eating, laughing.  Bella had her first Margarita!  So blessed that we can experience this environment together.  I meditated on the beach today.  I went down early, at sunrise, by myself.  It felt amazing.
4/16/18:  Grateful that I am able to take my family away on vacation.  Today we left for Riviera Maya, to spend 5 days at a beach resort.  Lisa and I have traveled together fairly often, but we brought the kids along this time.  I’m glad that they will have the opportunity to visit another country.  Although they will be fairly insulated from the culture in this setting, I know they appreciate the concept of being someplace new and exciting.
4/14/18:  Bella got asked to the prom by her friend Marcus.  He made a poster, stood in front of the school band and gave her a dozen roses.  I’m so happy that she has such a caring, thoughtful friend that made her feel so special.  Bella has a knack for attracting cool people and developing strong relationships.

4/13/18:  Last night after work I shot hoops outside with Quincy.  It’s finally beginning to warm up here and pulling into the driveway, he was outside waiting for me.  In moments like this we often talk more openly than other situations for some reason.  He was telling me about some things he is learning at school and I told him about my potential pursuit of a new job.  It was nice to share in a real way, as we generally have lots of conversations that are more surface or humor oriented.  Bruins won the 1st game of the playoffs last night against Toronto!

4/12/18:  Received a community service award from Hasbro yesterday.  It always feels good to participate in this event.  There are typically 20+ employees who gather, along with come C-level executives at the company to recognize those folks with 200 or more volunteer hours.  I was given the opportunity to speak to the group and told the story of the formation of Rawkstars, and our latest partnership with MedRhythms in support of Juli.  Afterward, several people came up to me and said they really loved her story.  It was fulfilling to present that to a group of my peers and some of the leaders of Hasbro.  Felt natural and humbling to share in that way and I was super grateful for the opportunity.

4/8/18: Went to see my niece Abi play hockey yesterday.  She’s the goalie for a 10 year old team of mixed boys/girls.  She plays goalie and is awesome.  Her team lost, but I had so much fun.  Had to get up early after a late night concert (UDO) on Saturday, but totally worth it.  Afterward, the Bento family all came back to our place for lunch and Lisa made brisket.  We made homemade slaw, cornbread, greek bleu cheese dip and fresh veggies with it.  Love seeing all the cousin’s interact and spend time together also.  Sox scored 6 runs in the 8th for a comeback win to top it off.

4/7/18:  I took some time yesterday to write.  I have been toying with a project idea the last few days and it’s stuck with me.  When something resonates in that way, I use it as a signal that the idea has legs.  I spent about an hour shaping it on screen while listening to a bunch of random new metal bands, that I never would have checked out.  We’ll see if it goes anywhere, but I was happy to have taken the time for myself and used it in that way.  I felt productive.

4/6/18:  Had a rough mental day at the office yesterday.  Came home feeling sorry for myself and swirling in negativity about all the time I’m wasting being unfulfilled at my job.  Instead of wallowing on the couch and continuing to complain, I got changed and went to the gym.  I lightly walked on the treadmill for 45 minutes.  Not a physical workout, but it helped clear my mind and brought me back to reality.  Grateful.

4/5/18: I received an extremely generous message yesterday from Mia’s mom, Dina.  I’ve basically sworn off Facebook since last fall but decided to share a picture from one of our early recording sessions.  She wrote how grateful she was that I had worked with Mia and even mentioned Lisa, Bella and Quincy in her response.  It felt really good to read her words and know that their lives have been positively impacted by Rawkstars and the projects we did together.

4/4/18:  Watched an amazing HBO documentary last night on Garry Shandling, one of my all time favorite comedians.  Garry was super talented and pursued art, at the expense of more mainstream success.  He was also a conflicted person, like many of us, and spent a lot of time trying to become his true self.  I related to a lot of the portrayals of him as described by the participants in the show, who all seemed to genuinely love Garry.  He spent the last portion of his life studying Buddhism and kept a life-long set of diaries, which formed the basis of the script.

4/3/18:  So proud and happy for my friend Mia Boostrom.  She won her 3rd round of competition on The Voice last night.  She’s been matched against two of the strongest singers I’ve seen on the show and come out on top both times.  I can tell Adam Levine is drawn to her and feels the special qualities in her voice.  Truly happy for both her and her mom.

3/19/18:  Grateful to celebrate Quincy’s 12th birthday today.  We had a small party at the house over the weekend with his friends.  Seeing his growth and maturity makes me smile.

3/18/18:  Happy that I’ve been making small but noticeable progress in my writing.  It’s been something in the back of my mind since adolescence and I’m finally trying to push myself beyond the inertia of fear that comes with the idea.

3/13/18:  Grateful to be at home today with my family, during a bit of a snowstorm.  The power of nature is beautiful and experiencing it from a safe, warm vantage point with my wife and kids makes the day feel extra special.

3/12/18:  Thankful we moved the daylight savings time forward yesterday.  My mind/body alway feel better when there is a longer stretch of available daylight.

3/11/18:  Grateful to have celebrated my mom’s 70th birthday.  Despite having a less than perfect family situation, I can look back on my relationship with my mom with gratitude.  She didn’t give up on me when most would have.

3/10/18:  Blessed to have seen one of my musical heroes, Michael Schenker, in concert last night.  I attended the show with a crew of some of my oldest friends and had an amazing time.  I also shot some pictures which I was pleased with.

3/9/18:  Grateful that my kids are both generous with their money.  Bella regularly pays for coffee, treats and other niceties, for her brother, me and Lisa and her friends.  Last night Quincy also used his own money to order season 2 of Riverdale, so we could all watch it together.

3/7/18:  Fortunate that my position at work allows me to occasionally deliver exciting news to people that positively impacts their lives.  Today was such a day.

3/6/18:  Grateful that I had the opportunity to spend time with a mentor at work.  Connecting with other people is one of my absolute favorite things to do and I always learn something.

Happy for my old friend Mia Boostrom, who performed on The Voice last night.  She was chosen by Adam Levine as part of his team.  She is one of the most natural singers I ever had the good fortune of hearing and working with.  I wish her nothing but success.

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