I use this space to write about things I am grateful for on a daily basis. I try to identify something that happened the prior day as a reminder of all the amazing people, activities and experiences I am blessed to enjoy. The format is loose but the intention is to develop a habit of gratitude to better frame my day. Most days, my morning routine includes a short meditation and/or stretching, drinking a glass of water with a multi-vitamin, making a pot of strong, black coffee, and writing a brief note to add to the list below.
12/31/20: New Year’s Eve day. A time for reflection I suppose?! Things have been pretty great lately, as reflected in these posts. The biggest need of attention is my health. I’ve been doing a bit better this week but also trying to not beat myself up when I stumble. It’s going to be the big challenge of the new year for me, adjusting to a balanced daily existence, while also trying to drop some lbs.
So many things to be grateful for this past year, despite the pandemic. #1 has to be the job situation. 6 months ago I was in dire straits with regards to my career and today I am both thankful and hopeful for how I’m spending my professional time. I’ve also got to put Rawkstars high on this list. I started the year with a vision of transitioning to this Fan Club concept and 12 months later, we are supporting ourselves with over 150 monthly subscriptions, exceeding the original target of 130. It’s got us in a great position to offer more programming and fun projects next year, along with adding another student or two. We also successfully completed the Guitars Behind Bars project, which I spun into a website and separate formation of a business plan. It really stalled due to Covid, but I think we can revive this in 2021 and momentum is strong with Rawkstars overall.
Finances are in great shape at year’s end. The withdrawal from my IRA had a huge impact on our monthly cash flow. We did a ton of ‘cleanup’, cutting expenses both large and small. We paid off our home! We also covered 2 full years of tuition for Bella, more than I had hoped for. We eliminated our line of credit payments and kept our real estate assets (and tenants) intact. We are now in a position to save a nice chunk of money each month and have been doing so already.
Lastly, family. The kids are doing well despite the strain of the pandemic forcing them to be out of school. I know it’s hitting them hard but they are doing as well as can be expected. I’m hopeful they won’t find themselves too far behind, once they are able to get back to classes. Bella has been furiously working throughout and saved a ton of money, which I’m saving aside for her schooling next year. She also has a great relationship with Alex and several of her friends. She’s always been good at those. On Q’s side, he continues to be productive as hell making music. He’s doing really well with his classes, though I don’t like how little he’s being challenged. He took a hit with the running, but I know it’s still in his heart and once an opportunity opens up to get back, I feel confident he will rise to it once again. Lisa continues to be out of work, but also continues to take good care of herself physically. It’s been a tough year for her and losing the Patriot job has hurt her confidence. I know we’ve been covered on the money side by her unemployment, but the emotional loss is hard to quantify and replace. Still, I’m grateful our relationship is intact and even after a challenging middle of the year, I feel like we are in a better place and moving forward together.
Grateful.
12/29/20: Day 3 of mindful eating. I got to the gym again to walk and also did a 20 minute ‘waking up’ session. Felt good and I’m thankful for even these small victories. The last few months have been a really bad example of letting myself go, so it’s no small feat to simply string together a couple solid days to remind myself that it is possible and ‘feel’ some progress.
Bought some stuff for the studio, a few stools and a couple more mic stands. May seem ridiculous (it probably is) but I like knowing my space is ready for everything, even though we probably won’t be jamming as a group in there any time soon. I also bought myself a rack mount wireless system for my bass. I’d like to try and sell a couple guitars and see about buying a American Professional 2 P-Bass, which is my latest want. I know it’s not a need and would prefer to at least get rid of a couple items before taking the plunge. We’ll see if I have the ability to do so.
Spinning the Allan Watts podcast at the gym and it’s a great reminder of how amazing of a thinker/communicator he was. I enjoy listening to him as opposed to reading his books, which I’ve struggled with in the past. He has such a great voice and delivery that gets lost when reading. Always a great reminder of the concepts I struggle to live with each moment and grateful I live in an era that allows me to simply press a few buttons and have such knowledge and resources at my fingertips.
12/28/20: Second day of mindful eating. No gym today but I prepared a nice beef and rice dish for dinner and took the time to consider what/when/how much I was eating. Continued some practice on my bass as well. Been learning a new set of ‘metal’ songs, that I’d like to learn with others. Maybe put another ‘Shine’ project together for 2021. I got a random text from Alex, the owner at The District and made a pledge to connect in the new year on a project. I’d love to be able to put together a live stream or something from the stage over there. Maybe even a small live crowd, depending on the rules and what not.
Heard from Ed that we might be able to drop the 10% IRS penalty for having withdrawn funds from our IRA last year. That would be a nice boost as I’ve set side a big chunk of change to cover the expected tax hit in March. Also getting the feeling that Hasbro had a decent 2020, despite the poor results early in the year. That might lead to bonuses being paid out, also in March and we might find ourselves in a great spot, if all that comes together. We’re already in a great spot, now that I think about it, and whatever comes (or doesn’t) I know we will be alright. We’ve caught up with Bella’s school payments and are poised to return some of her own money to her next year, if things hold steady. We also haven’t had to dip back into the home equity, and may not have to if our tax burden is limited thanks to covid. There’s also talk of another stimulus. It feels weird getting extra money from the government, when others clearly need it more. I suppose that’s how it works and I will look for a way to help someone in need with at least some of the money we get from that.
Grateful for being in a solid financial position with my family.
12/27/20: First day of mindful eating. I even got my ass to the gym and walked for 30+ minutes on the treadmill. It felt pretty good and led to a day of movement. I continued cleaning up the music space. Got rid of some more junk in the closet, threw out some old, unnecessary boxes I’d been ‘saving’ and spaced things out more. Lisa and I moved a big shelving unit into our bedroom and re-configured that space a bit as well. It was a nice feeling of productivity and kept us moving for a few hours. The result is a cleaner space in our room as well as the music room. I really enjoy that type of afternoon and am grateful to have made progress against those things.
The gym was also nice. First time I’ve stepped foot in there in probably 2 months. I didn’t bust ass bit it was nice to simply move my body and I felt a lot of aches afterward, even this morning. Lack of momentum has a way of making you numb to your body and when you start to move, it shakes off those cobwebs, in a good way. You really feel how stagnant you’ve been, how your muscles crave activity and how tight you have gotten all around. I also spent the time on the treadmill listening to an Allan Watts podcast talk which was beautiful. I miss the podcasts very much, another thing that’s changed since the pandemic. I would mostly listen in the car while commuting, but it’s fallen off the table almost entirely since we’ve been at home. Grateful to have learned something while I moved my body and for the chance to do it again today.
12/26/20: Xmas yesterday. We spent it. at the Bento’s of course. Low key, just Rob and his family plus his friend Jim from work. Awesome lunch. Cascoila, bacchalau and quail being the highlights. As expected, I overdid things and went to bed literally in pain from having eaten so much. Yes, today is another day and I’m determined to make it better and more mindful. Grateful we have such abundance and that it ripples through the whole family really. The Bento’s, Rob and Kelly and Mikey and Alyssa for sure. All of us have great families, good health, awesome kids and great jobs. Really nothing to complain about and the fact that we all genuinely love each other is also pretty cool. Thankful.
We didn’t overdo it with the kids and as they get older, they realize how lucky they are and are fine with getting ‘less’ in terms of quantity. Bella has been saving so much money at work, she totally understands the concept of living below your means. We got her some simple items and a bit of cash, just as a treat for herself. We got Q some albums, which is what he’s mainly focused on nowadays. I also got him this ‘Cameo’ gimmick where he got a personal message from RA The Rugged Man, who. is one of his favorite rappers. I stumbled across it and thought he would really dig the idea, so I had RA send him a message about working hard and sticking to his music. Kinda corny but I think it really hit him hard :). Thankful to be able to use our resources to bring joy to the kids and grateful to be close enough to them to understand what might hit the mark. We gave all the kids money, as we have the last few years. I also picked a Yes album from my collection to give Caden, along with a small Beatles book about the Let It Be album. I know how much he’s into music and buying records and it brings me joy to share that relationship with him a little bit.
12/24/20: Hung out with the metal crew last night. Saw Kev, Mike, Sean and Barry. We had some drinks, of course and listened to music, of course and laughed, of course. Good chance to unwind and just be friends. It was especially nice to see Barry, as I don’t get to connect with him near as much as the other guys. We talked about playing some music this coming year and I’m determined to make that happen. I want to play some metal and challenge myself a bit with new songs and volume levels. Already working on a playlist of stuff to try and learn and look forward to seeing if I can put it together.
Had a conference call with a vendor called Flipcause. I’m thinking about a trial with them for the next couple months to see if their tools can help me improve the user experience for Rawkstars. It’s basically a confluence of several disparate tools that I currently use, streamlined into a single dashboard. I’m thinking it’s a good/smart investment and might make things easier for me as we continue to grow. Grateful to be thinking along these lines and see if the partnership makes sense, especially for our donors.
12/23/20: Sent out a spontaneous blast to a new crop of potential RS FC members. I began to frame up a list to see if I can start pushing towards milestone #2, which is 190+ subscriptions. I got a couple new signups, which was awesome and I think the list contains several folks who will participate. It’s also a great way for me to reconnect with some old colleagues that I haven’t spoken to in quite some time. Thankful for the chance to reach out and to see if I can spark some new conversations with this crowd.
Continued to shape my job description/list of duties and feeling pretty decent about it. Still a ways to go but I have a good foundation and plenty of time to continue to work at it.
Took out my bass for the first time since the session and it felt good to noodle. Played some Thin Lizzy, which was kinda awesome. I want to do some metal songs and get loud again. Considering what to do with that idea and how it could incorporate a project for 2021.
12/22/20: Had a mellow day yesterday as I try to decompress from work. It’s a tough transition to make going from 100mph for the last few months to having almost zero to do for 2 weeks +. I kicked the tires on some thoughts for my new role and put things down on paper. I did a bit of reading about organizational purpose and infused some of that into my writing. I brainstormed a bit on new recruits for RSFC members I can approach in 2021 with our next milestone in mind. I had one call with Hoda from eOne. She was really cool to talk to and I think we have a lot in common. It was nice to meet someone new and make another like-minded connection. I started thinking about spinning up a RS merch shop on the website. There are lots of options and it has me thinking whether I should consider more holistic changes on the tech side to implement something more seamless for Stripe/Subscriptions/Commerce/Website/Mailing List/landing pages/etc. Grateful for small productivities.
Had a decent day of being mindful. I didn’t get to the gym or anything but I ate decently, not perfect. I also did a tiny bit of stretching just to feel my body more closely. Doesn’t sound like huge progress I understand but when you are off the rails, it’s ok to just have small victories. Grateful for another day to try again.
I bought Q a video message from RA The Rugged Man. It’s through this platform called Cameo, which I don’t have a great feeling about using. That said, I stumbled on it somehow and thought Quincy would freak out getting a ‘personal’ message from one of his rap icons. It was only $70 and I decided to jump in. We’ll see how it comes out and how he reacts, but I feel thankful to not worry about spending money on something I think my son will love. The fact that I am able to basically buy whatever I want is not lost on me.
12/21/20: Pretty much off work from now until after New Year’s. I have to work on my job description and an outline of my new role so I can finalize that when we return, but otherwise, don’t have any deliverables. Nobody is really in the office this week so I’m going to use the time to try and reset. I want to make a couple lists (of course 🙂 — I need a list of candidates I can follow up with next year about joining the RS Fan Club. Our next milestone is 192, which is about 43 subscriptions away from where we stand now. I also have a short list of technical changes I’d like to make to the site, etc. Those will give me some direction going into 21 without having too much structure.
The personal side is where I really need the focus. My weight has become a problem (again) and I’m feeling/looking awful and my clothes don’t fit (again). Not like I haven’t noticed along the way but I’ve been purposely ignoring it to allow myself to focus all my energy on the work/RS/personal projects I achieved in Q4. They were numerous and pleasurable, but came at a cost. I need to figure out how to be productive enough, while still maintaining a mindful lifestyle. Need to get back to preparing wholesome food for myself regularly. Need to consider more writing and practicing my bass. Need to get back to daily movement for the sake of being with thoughts, while taking care of my body and mind.
Yesterday I made a white bean salad. It was nice to spend 30 minutes making something for myself. It was yummy and healthful and a good reminder of how preparing food can make a big change. It’s a tough time of year to try and reign oneself in and we have plenty of landmines in the next week, that I’m sure will trip me up. It’s a process and I don’t need to see each and every day as success/failure. If I can even make a bit of progress towards the path this week I’ll be grateful, as it’s more than I will have made in the last several weeks.
Today is a new day and I’m thankful for yet another chance to get closer to where I want to be.
12/20/20: Night out with ‘the crew’ last night. We had dinner over Mike’s with Dave, Liza, Doug and Sue. Enjoyable evening as always filled with food, drinks and a few laughs. Still struggling with my control and mindfulness of eating, but had a fun time nonetheless. Grateful for the chance to connect with friends and share.
Got the RS Xmas cards out yesterday, thanks to Lisa. Felt good to mail out 120+ cards to our closest supporters. It will arrive a few days on the heels of the video/email we sent. Hoping it leaves them all with a sense of connection to Rawkstars going into 20201. It’s nice to be doing small things for them and I aim to make next year even more focused on delivering cool things to them while doing more fun projects with the kids.
I’m thinking about doing some small updates to the signup method and need to really tighten that up. Mailchimp still isn’t getting the right format of data and Stripe is not pulling in the names correctly. I’d like to rectify those two things as well as reformat the Mailchimp table, so it’s uniform with non-fans and fans alike. Also like to get into exploring SMS messaging, since there are definitely those who do not touch email. I’m still not thrilled with the website and namely its slow loading and inflexible maintenance for me. Might dip my toe into the idea of relaunching that, even though it’s not that old. Thankful to have some capacity to think through these things and have the skills and tools at hand to execute.
12/18/20: Finished with the Holiday event at Hasbro last night. It was my last big deliverable for the year and it came out really well. Everyone loved the video and Dolph called me out as having put it together when he introduced it. The party was really well received and the team got tons of praise from the attendees as well as senior leadership all around.
Afterward, I caught a few folks online and was invited into a little hangout with the old DT/PM group. It was awesome to reconnect with them and we had some genuine laughs together. Great group of people and my new role has made me appreciate the chemistry of being with a nice bunch of people.
Got the RS Let It Be video project done and framed up a thank you email to the Fan Club members. It went out early this morning and I’m so happy to have gotten that done. It’s really amazing where RS has ended this year. It started so well with the Guitars Behind Bars project, then got awful when OMG took that money from us. I felt so desperate and ashamed during that time. Then I launched the new site and began testing the waters for the Fan Club and covid struck. It put everything on hold and closed up the prison angle. In the last couple months, I was able to really ramp up the signup efforts and I got Jamie and MonkeyMarketing involved. Crissy recovered the money stolen by OMG and we closed with the EVH raffle and Let It Be video, as well as a holiday card mailing that goes out this weekend. Our bank account is +$20k and we have a monthly revenue stream of about $1500. That nearly covers all our expenses. I’m about to re-up with either Monkey or Jamie so I will have some continued support to create the newsletters each month at minimum. With the additional revenue we get outside of the Fan Club, our burn rate should be close to zero, unless something radical changes. Couldn’t be more grateful and it feels like we are poised to have our most impactful year ever in 2021.
12/16/20: Got a message from old friend Mark Zonder last night. He shared some new music with me and it was incredible. Just demos, but he’s got a new project going with Ray Alder on vocals. Some other amazing players named Robbie Wyckoff, Phillip Bynoe and some guys from Europe I don’t know. Anyways, the songs were fantastic and it was great to have them shared with me. I always had a good relationship with Mark and we’ve stayed in touch over the years. He is an absolutely fantastic drummer/musician and I was grateful that he reached out to connect through music.
Stumbled on an old Meliah Rage video from the BCN bash at The Channel from 1988. I remember that night vividly and it was really cool seeing Tony, Mike, Jim and the other guys on stage. They were always pros and I don’t think I gave them quite enough credit for their musicianship. I was more snobbish back then and anyone who played alongside Gasm had a steep hill to climb. I’m thankful we all became friends over the years and our relationship has strengthened. Proud to have been a tiny part of that scene and that time and for all the memories, friendships and musical bonds that formed.
12/15/20: Inching closer to finishing the Holiday Event video. Doga did an amazing job as usual capturing the direction and vision of the piece. Weve made some changes and I sourced some new material from an international audience last night, with help from Bryony. I think we will see the finished piece tonight. I also have a rough cut of the Let It Be project. It’s not amazing, mainly because of the shooting we did. I also wish I had more time with the mixing and guiding everyone while we shot. Hard to be in the video and trying to lead all that, as well as being present for the vocal tracking, mixing, etc in the midst of all the work. Still I’m grateful for the work and everyone who participated. I’m glad to be able to share something with our Fan Club folks, even if it isn’t quite up to snuff on the production side as I would have liked. After Thursday, my work calendar clears up immensely and I plan to use the time to focus more on my physical health, which has lacked for the last few months. Keeping mental, physical and work in balance has been tricky for me always, but I will continue to work at it and am grateful for each opportunity to get better.
12/14/20: Visited Nana yesterday. I’ve been too busy to do a big family think for Hanukkah so we decided to just swing by and spend a bit of time with her. We brought her some flowers and of course, some candy. She is such an awesome woman and besides her vision and hearing, remains practically unchanged since I was 5 years old. She’s got such a great outlook and enjoys every day of her life, regardless of what it brings. I’d like to try and make more effort to spend time with her going forward and am grateful to have had her in my life for 50+ years.
I also executed the EVH raffle last night on FB live. It was a weird experience as I had never done one before, but once it was running I felt natural. I’m totally fine with talking of course and enjoy connecting with people, even virtually. Mooney won the damn thing, which is funny, but I’m psyched it went to someone in the family who I know will really enjoy it. Altogether we raised about $960 for Rawkstars and a lot of people attended the LIVE thing, which was also kinda nice. We had a couple new Fan Club signups as a result so it really was a pretty impactful project. I definitely want to look for more opportunity to create special events like that to bring our community closer together and reward them for being connected to our little charity.
With these extra funds, Rawkstars is really finishing 2020 on a high note. We are approaching 150 subscriptions, from over 100 individuals. We’ve got a solid bank balance north of $20k. We also have generated several other methods of raising funds and have even gotten some traction on the monthly newsletter and creating some content. I look forward to developing more ways to give back and strengthen the community even more. Growth is secondary to fulfillment and purpose. Grateful to be a part of such a special and unique group of people doing this.
12/12/20: Had some nice comments from folks on the team yesterday after Dolph shared the news of me coming on board. Sarah, Caitie, Donna and Nia all reached out to me, which felt great. I’m still riding high thinking of the position I’m in now and want to linger in this state as long as possible.
Quincy, in particular, was most happy for me in terms of the job outcome. He’s such a sensitive kid with stuff like that and it felt awesome to show him such a good example of turning something crappy into something awesome. So grateful for his love and affection.
Played Pictionary with the kids last night after Bella came back from work. Had some laughs and a few drinks and went to bed smiling. Grateful!
12/11/20: I don’t know the origins of ‘Cloud Nine” but today, I am on Cloud Ten. Yesterday was GDOJ and my projects went off really well. Beyond that, Hasbro overall really came together and did something special, as it regularly does. I worked with so many awesome people over the last 3 months and have written at length about my motivations and gratitude, which all came full circle in the last 24 hours.
In addition to the successes of yesterday, I just hung up from speaking with Dolph and Kevin about my long term future with the group. As we caught up, I started to transition into my outline of why I wanted to remain, what I could bring, etc. Dolph stopped me and told me I didn’t need to ‘sell’ anymore. He told a story about a movie called ‘Invincible’ about a walk-on to the Eagles that became a success and equated me to him. He said so many nice things and told me he would make it happen in the next few weeks and literally said ‘welcome to the team’.
I’m getting emotional as I type and can hardly believe the arc of the last 6 months of my life. I was at such a low point, after all the stress at work, the complications with OMG, the financial pressures of life, Rawkstars activities, landlording, marriage, college payments, among other personal things. At this moment, none of those things are weighing on me.
Of course even this is temporary and I realize I will continue to have ups/downs. That said, I’m feeling such an immense inner strength right now and satisfaction at having turned things around so powerfully. Life continues to surprise and educate me. I’m so thankful for all the great people that have contributed to getting me to this moment. Beyond joyful and filled with love.
12/10/20: GDOJ is here. Yesterday was a good run through for my projects. There were a few tech glitches and a couple of them ran a wee bit long, but I think they had the intended impact, at least for many attendees. Today we will host 3-4x as many guests and my confidence is higher, given the ‘paid rehearsals’ yesterday. I’ve done live events too long to let that get the best of me though and plan to be on my toes equally prepared as I was for the first round. Really proud of being in this group and having something like this to work on together. I’m meant to be a great teammate and involved with ‘productions’ on this scale. It feels good despite the long hours and uncertainty, or perhaps because of them. Finished the video and I hope it goes over well with the company. I believe it will bring great attention and that everyone will really enjoy it. EmVision is building a nice reputation and I think more people will see this than our prior efforts. Thankful to be working with them so often and for some recognition, and money, to come their way as a result of me.
12/9/20: Another lapse, due to hectic schedule at work and life. Session for Let It Be on Sunday went great. I spent too much time on the video setup than I would have liked so I missed some of the vocal tracking. The girls were all amazing of course so I know it will be fine, I just enjoy that part so much. I also had trouble getting my new gimbal to work properly, so the filming suffered. No matter, the fact that I even squeezed this in at all amongst everything else is a minor miracle. Thankful that so many cool and talented people that contributed to the effort. Look forward to hearing/seeing the results.
Continue to have donations and a few Fan Club signups trickle in. I started pumping the EVH raffle a bit and have about $500 on tap there as well. I’ll need to whip something together for the drawing on Sunday, but again, thankful to draw more attention to RS and for the time, effort and love that Trish and Chris put into the artwork. Kind wish I could take a shot at winning it myself 😉
Continued a frantic pace with Hasbro stuff. Today is actually our pre-GDOJ. I’ll be running my 4 Immersion projects today and in some ways it will be a nice dry run before tomorrow’s bigger reveal. I feel like I did just about everything possible, though I would prioritize my time a bit differently if I had to do it over. Some things I left for the end which would have been a lot easier had I started them sooner. I also didn’t anticipate some late changes on the partner side and other loose ends that came up yesterday. No project is ever going to be perfect and I am proud of what we put together and hope the results will reflect the energy we all contributed. Last night, I was really stressed and two people at work, Chris Robinson and Sarah Knott, jumped in to really help me. I’m super grateful for that and for their friendship. Fingers crossed that the next two days go really well and can put me in position to make the leap to permanent member of this group.
12/6/20: Spent some time working yesterday, even though it was Saturday. Might seem strange to write about that here but in a way I was thankful. It’s nice to have something important to focus on. It was a rainy day and I didn’t kill myself, but made small progress on my projects. I also got the first cut at the kickoff video and as expected it looked really good. Most importantly, Kevin really liked it. It’s my first video with him and I wanted to impress. I sent Doga over my edits already and think Kevin and the rest of the team/company is going to really dig the finished product. Grateful that things continue on a positive trajectory at the office.
Also heard the drums/rough piano that Joe laid for our session today. Drums sound fantastic as expected and it gave me so much confidence about the outcome of this project. I wasn’t worried but it came together so quickly I didn’t have time to form the full picture in my head. I’m really excited about today and getting to spend time in the studio, which is always something I love. Being there with Lisa, Bella, Alex, Noah and the twins is going to be extra special. I know it’s Alex’s first session and something all of them will remember forever.
12/5/20: Yesterday I connected with an old friend, Bob Mercier. He used to play drums in a band called Contagious that I got close with during the Deringer’s years. They were great and we became friendly. I mixed several gigs with them and did a showcase that helped them get signed. I brought them into the reunion gig 7 years ago and we’ve loosely stayed in touch, mostly online. Anyways, he dropped me an email about the Fan Club and we started chatting. He got Rawkstars setup in the matching gifts system at his company, Salesforce and told me there might be some opportunity for grants. He also said he would join the Fan Club and they would match his monthly amount. He signed up at the $75 level, which was amazing. We made plans to connect via Zoom in a few weeks and I was really honored by all his words and actions. Grateful to know so many generous and talented people willing to help us on this journey.
During a project call yesterday, I met Clea Newman, daughter of Paul. I’ve been working hard with SeriousFun Network on a big project and they are the company that oversees the camps, started by Paul in the early 80’s. They are just one of the amazing nonprofits I’m getting to know through my new gig and I couldn’t be more grateful to be helping them in some small way. We held a tech call in preparation of our event next week and she joined. I told her I was a ‘fan boy’ and how much Paul inspired me. It was really nice to feel a connection with her and in the tiniest of ways, feel the energy of his legacy. Grateful as fuck.
12/4/20: Alex came by last night and we rehearsed Let It Be. We jammed it through maybe 5-6 times and it was helpful. I’m getting a bit more comfortable, though still not quite where I want to be by Sunday. It was nice to connect with him and we talked while I was getting things setup. He sounded pretty good. A bit nervous perhaps and his timing/feel weren’t perfect but that’s ok. He’s going to sound fine in the studio and if we have to piece things together a bit that’s ok too. I might need the same! Bella came home after a bit and we all sat downstairs and talked music for a while. It was nice. It’s always interesting to see your kid in a bit of a different light, when they let their guard down and are around their own friends. The project is coming together more, in my mind and with other pieces of the puzzle falling into place. I’m feeling better about it each day and think we will come out with a strong production. I hope it will be well received by our Fan Club folks. I want them to really feel the love from Rawkstars and that we made something special just for them. Grateful to have the opportunity to give something back to them while doing something so fulfilling for me and the folks who are going to play.
12/3/20: Gap in writing here. Mostly caused by being so busy. Cranking away on the Hasbro side. With GDOJ coming up in a few days, I have roughly a million loose ends to tie up. I’m also mid-way through the video production on the kickoff project I accepted. All are well, and I’m enjoying the energy and busy factor that accompanies these projects. I’m feeling good about all of them and in a few days, we’ll see the results. Grateful to be contributing to such awesome projects and teams.
I also had some good conversations recently with Kevin and Dolph about making the permanent shift. Signs are positive and in a few weeks I hope to have some clarity on all this. Trying to keep myself tempered, but it’s admittedly hard sometimes with so much of my emotions tied up in the outcome. Thankful to remind myself to breathe and just enjoy what is unfolding.
Wrapped up the Rawkstars history month-long campaign, with good success. We signed up 27 new Fan Club members and I think a few others will trickle in as a result. It connected me to folks I haven’t spoken to in a while and a few brand new names emerged. I also had several people get in touch about donating instruments. Even though the conversion isn’t as direct sometimes as clicking the Join button, there are ripples that emanate out and have impact in other ways. It’s easy to forget that and be disappointed with the simple metrics but those aren’t always the real measure. Grateful to be thinking about that as I type right now.
I’ve spun up a new music project for the studio this Sunday. I’m heading in with Bella and Lisa, along with Alex, Devin, Brooke, Noah, Mike and Joe to record a year end message of hope video. We are doing ‘Let It Be’, which is such an amazing song and such a hopeful message. I’m planning to celebrate the 100 or so people who are part of our Fan Club, by mentioning them somehow. Doga agreed to edit the piece for me for free, which is simply amazing too. I need to work on the damn bass part as my schedule has been so crazy that my energy level is low once I finally sign off work. I’m not stressed about it and still have a couple days to sharpen my playing. Super grateful to have the outlet, get something nice done for the Fan Club folks and connect musically with my friends while getting experience in the studio for some new kids.
11/28/20: Zeus and Nina came by the house yesterday afternoon to drop off some equipment for Rawkstars. It was nice to see them and connect for an hour. Their daughter is so grown up and it was sweet of them to take such a long drive to help the charity. Zeus gave me a couple really cool basses and some practice amps. There were other assorted items, but beyond the gear, having people think of RS in that way is gratifying. Not everyone has the financial ability to support the monthly subscription approach, and I’m thankful for whatever energy anyone is able to send our way.
I spent an hour or so practicing ‘Let It Be’, which I think I want to record for the Hasbro holiday event and also for a year-end Rawkstars thank you. Considering how to approach it and whether I should spend money recording it properly in the studio or perhaps do it live at home and spend a bit having someone shoot/edit it instead. Also figuring out who to involve and leaning towards an idea of having a bunch of kids play on it. Makes the scheduling more difficult and also potentially lowers the quality, but the intention is more strongly aligned I think. I’ll work on it more today and decide how to proceed from there. Regardless, I’m thankful to have something personal and musical to focus on and to have the opportunity to send a message of hope to those who have given their time and resources to support our little organization.
11/27/20: Thanksgiving is an easy time to consider gratitude. We visited the Bento’s yesterday as usual and were treated to the typical feast. I’m thankful to have such great in-laws and to be surrounded by incredible food. I think my favorite were the quail, which Mr. Bento always makes since he knows how much we like them. Rob and Kelly and the boys were also there of course and Rob brought a friend from work. Tia Maria was also there, and it was nice to catch up with her. Jonathan, our cousin, has been battling lymphoma. She said he’s doing better and I was thankful to hear some good news about him. He’s a super sweet guy and although we don’t see him often, Lisa and I are both really fond of him.
I spent some time connecting with Caden, which was nice. He’s a music kid and we talked about that for about 30 minutes. It’s nice as the kids get older that we can connect more personally and get to know one another. He’s a great kid and it felt good to spend time talking with him about a shared connection.
We visited my mom’s after, as usual too. I’m happy to see my mom and of course GiGi, who looked spry as ever at 99! They are both great, loving people and I’m glad our relationships have sustained over the years. Ben is in rough shape, and it took quite some effort to get him into the car and to his house afterward. I’m thankful to see my brother is taking care of himself. He’s lost a ton of weight in the last year and seems to be enjoying his life a bit more. He was in a good mood, which isn’t always predictable, but I was thankful to see him smiling and happy.
11/26/20: Taking time to communicate my gratitude to many folks lately. I sent notes to several people at work yesterday as well as some friends and partners. I also drafted and sent a personal note to the folks who have joined the RS Fan Club. Speaking of which, we are inches away from 130 subscriptions. That was my original goal at the outset of this whole thing, so I must say it feels pretty good. We still have a few days left in the month and I’m hopeful we can tick 5-10 more at the end here. We now have enough monthly income arriving that we can nearly pay our entire expenses. Bringing on Jamie is an extra expense I didn’t originally consider in the budget, but even if we have a deficit, we can survive with that going forward. The FB exercise has been taxing, but also fun. I’m happy to share the successes of Rawkstars and as mentioned before, it’s a nice reminder to me about all the blessings it’s brought to others and to me and my own family. Grateful.
I also dropped a note yesterday to Aatish, who ran the old team I was on at Hasbro. As discussed in great detail, that was the source of tremendous angst for me earlier this year. I hadn’t spoken with him directly since returning to work in September and it’s been weighing on me. I know if I am to make my new role permanent, he will need to be part of that conversation. It’s been making me somewhat fearful to talk about it, but I finally mustered the confidence to do so. He responded very graciously and positively. It’s something I continue to learn about being vulnerable and open with people, but continue to be buoyed by when I am able. Still a ways to go to make this dream a reality, but proud and happy that I took another small step.
11/24/20: A tale of two days yesterday. Another super productive afternoon at work. I’ve taken on 2 new video productions, both with EmVision on the team. I also have the immersion work for GDOJ and some other smallish items. I made good progress yesterday against the big items and am feeling more confident about meeting all the deadlines. I also interviewed Chris Cocks, who is the president of our Wizard’s business out in Seattle. I continue to be bolstered by the trust the teams have shown me, in letting me connect very directly with leaders at the highest levels of the company. It feels very natural for me, but at Hasbro I think it’s atypical. They tend to put those folks on a pedestal and insulate them. It’s an honor and part of what has been amazing about my new role. Thankful.
Other side of the coin. I got a call from Sarah Soares in HR. She was awesome when I was struggling a few months back and helped me navigate the system, as well as simply being there to comfort me. I’m very fond of her and will never forget that. She was reaching out to ‘check in’ with me, but then also told me the team is looking to get me back. That simple sentence made my stomach drop, as if I were on a rollercoaster heading downhill. While it was a nice sentiment, the fact of the matter is I don’t want to return under any circumstance. I’ve found myself a near dream job and am spending my time working really hard at really important work and it’s just what I want to be doing for the rest of my work career. The thought of returning to a toxic environment, doing work I have zero passion for is untenable. I’ve got to figure out how to navigate this and communicate my feelings to the right folks ASAP. I’ve already spoken with Kevin, but want to go to Bryony, Sue and Dolph next. It’s so clear to me that Hasbro would want me to be in this role where I am more productive than ever, truly happy and surrounded by a team that wants and needs me. Everybody wins. I will do anything I need to over the next few weeks to clearly communicate that message and hope that Dolph and team can make it so. Thankful for the chance to realize my dream career aspirations.
11/22/20: Had Doug and Sue over last night for dinner and a movie. We cooked and had a few drinks and talked a lot. So much so, that we never actually got to the movie part. The kids were home too and Alex was with B. Q joined us for dinner and hung out a bit. It’s nice to have seen him grow up to enjoy some time with our friends. He didn’t used to be that social and it’s sweet to see his maturity. They’re a great couple and easy to talk with. I got a bit buzzed and wound up snacking after they left. It’s ok though and I plan to start fresh today and not let it derail the solid week I’ve had being mostly in control of food intake. Grateful to have friends we can share with, grateful to be together with the family all at once and grateful for the bounty of food and sharing with others.
Lisa and I spent a couple hours in the yard doing a final fall cleanup. We had awesome weather and it was sunny for the afternoon. I raked all the corners of the yard and bagged the last of the leaves. Lisa cleaned up the patio and the beds out front by hand. It looks awesome. I also asked Dave to come by and help me get all the debris from around his camper. I wanted to help out Larry and it also makes our side yard look better. Thankful for our house, and our property which is in great shape and has been awesome for us for nearly 20. years. Thankful for awesome neighbors like Larry and Dave who are always there to help. Thankful for Lisa, who isn’t afraid to get dirty and help out with yard work.
11/21/20: Yesterday was an amazing day at work. Before lunch, I connected with folks in Seattle, London, Milan and Columbia. All of it was related to projects I’m working on for Global Day of Joy. Later in the afternoon, I had the tremendous pleasure of interviewing a young woman who had been a wish kid for Give Kids the World, one of the charity partners I’ve been working with lately. She was amazing and gave me such perspective on life and happiness. I’m immensely grateful to have been given this chance to see the world through the eyes of philanthropy as part of my job, each and every day. It’s been nothing short of life-changing and I’m as happy as I’ve been with my professional life as I can remember being in many years.
11/20/20: Writing off-cycle at night but I’ve missed a couple days and Bella is playing guitar. She’s been doing that lately in her room and singing, which is like hearing angels. So grateful that music is such a part of her and that she is so talented. It’s something that she will have her whole life no matter what comes.
Been slamming at work lately with project for Day of Joy. Beyond the projects I’m leading, two new video productions have come my way. I’ve got EmVision on board for both and I’m thankful to have them in my corner and to be able to throw decent paying gigs their way. They helped Rawkstars a lot and it feels good to reciprocate. Jonas just had his baby a few days ago and just texted me a pic of him wearing the RS onesie. Grateful for my friendship with him and Doga and for the positive impact it’s having on me and at Hasbro.
A bit behind in the RS Fan Club project. Aiming for 30 in the month of November, or one per day. I’m at 17 today after 20 days. It’s been quiet overall and far less productive than I might have hoped. That said, I’m sticking with it and that process has been good for me. I’d like to take the results and package them up for the Fan Club members as I’m not sure how many are actually seeing it on FB. Even though we are behind, getting 17 new signups has us beyond 120+ memberships overall. If you had told me we’d get this close. to our goal by the end of 2020, I would have been satisfied. Funny how that works. Happiness is that moment just before you need more happiness. Grateful for that perspective, even if I’m not able to see it all the time.
11/16/20: I’m grateful to be alive and have another chance to take care of myself today. I’ve been on a skid, in terms of self-care. Since things turned around emotionally for me, they have backslid in this area. Strange but not unexpected. During my cycle of depression, I dropped 22 lbs. While I had begun to check myself a few weeks before that really kicked in, I definitely experienced a connection between how poorly I felt and my ability to consume food. I had plenty of stomach issues and for whatever reason, I was eating much less than normal. I was also continuing to exercise through that time, resulting in the 21lb. weight loss. I looked and felt really good physically, but was in the toilet mentally. Now it’s reversed itself and I regained almost all of the weight, but have been feeling great mentally. The job situation and financial cleanup has helped, but I’ve been eating not only without being mindful, but purposely reverting to old habits like closet eating and feelings of never being satisfied, even before I eat. I’m back up to 252, from 231 just a few months ago. All that said, I’m thankful that I woke up today and was able to get on the scale and weigh myself. This moment is another opportunity for me to make mindful choices and prioritize balance, moderation and become a better version of myself.
11/15/20: Went out with Lisa to dinner and drinks last night. I took her to a waterfront place down in Bristol. I saw a posting that they had a local band playing called The Khoury’s. It’s two sisters who both sing and play. I had heard them before online and thought they sounded good and figured this would be a nice night out, given the pandemic and all limiting live music nearly 100%. Bristol is such a nice fucking town. I’d totally be into living down there and even though it was quiet, cold and dark the area has a great feel. Restaurant was not very full, as is the case nowadays. We were able to sit at the bar, with plexiglass on 3 sides of us. Band was decent. They have a ton of potential, but didn’t have great sound and could have used a bit of accompaniment, imo. Still they were really entertaining and super talented. We ate some apps and drank tequila. I left a nice tip for the bartender and threw another $20 into the collection basket for the band. Grateful for a night out with Lisa and even more to “feel” some live music. It really soothed me and I left feeling aware of how awesome life is. I think playing a gig with them would be a great idea, post covid and I’ll keep that in my back pocket for sometime next year.
11/13/20: Staying ahead of the curve with the RS Fan Club project. We’re at 14 signups in 13 days. As mentioned, it’s been slower than I hoped, but it’s hard for me to complain when we are at the pace that I set as the original goal. My friend Jonas had his baby yesterday. My friend Greg lost his dad also. I was able to connect briefly with both, via text. I’m grateful for both of them being part of my life. Jonas has helped me in so many ways, through his production company. Greg also was key in helping me get the gig at Hasbro, which really made things better for me, especially at the time. I love both of them and am thankful to have shared a bit together on those days with them. I’m also grateful that I live in a time of technology where making that kind of connection is possible, even when we are not together physically.
11/12/20: Making strides with the RS Fan Club activity. I sometimes forget the up/down nature of fundraising like this. There are days when you get zero traction, responses or donations and it feels like people don’t care. All it takes is 1 surprise comment or gift to make you feel like it’s all worth it. My goal was 1 person per day for November, for a total of 30 by month’s end. Today we are at 13, after 12 days. Lisa has started to help also, which feels good. Grateful for her support as well as all the folks who have already joined, placing their confidence and trust in what we do.
11/11/20: Got back to the concept of crossing small tasks off my list to feel productive. Over the last few weeks I’ve had big projects going on, but have a brief lull at the moment. I took the opportunity to balance the RS bank account, take care of the pending annual report re-file I needed to do and finally got the plumber situation down in Providence taken care of. None of them were hard, but I had been procrastinating on all of them. Felt good to ‘catch up’ with those items and I’m thankful for the reminder that it doesn’t take anything epic to feel productive and have an accomplished day.
Got some traction on the raffle for the EVH painting. Trish helped sort out the online setup and we are using Venmo to take payments. I was happy to have her take charge of it, and we already got 4 donations. I got a check in the mail from Gary and Joan Eichhorn. We met years ago when I helped introduce them to the West End House, where they eventually setup one of their early music clubhouses. A few years back they started sending me $1,000 each year and it arrived yesterday. I also got a small check from my Nana, who is so sweet and wants to always help. It’s been nice seeing all the support roll in for Rawkstars on so many fronts lately. Doing the History of RS posts has been cool, but that type of fundraising can also be draining. It’s simple to ask why more people are not responding or taking real action. I’ve felt those emotions even though I’ve been doing this for so long, it still happens. If I’m able to take a step back, I can see that progress is being made. I’m at my goal of 1 person per day with 11 signups as of this morning. I also got the Eichhorn’s check, plus the HPHC grant from Sue Kast that we also get annually. Now the raffle is shaping up and we are poised to end 2020 with a strong bank position. Our monthly cash flow is growing through the Fan Club and should allow us to tackle some special projects next year and keep things afloat to build on our momentum. There’s also GBKF opportunities and looking toward GBB making progress next year too. Thankful.
11/10/20: Meditated yesterday for the first time in about a week. I’ve fallen off with my eating and mindfulness and despite best intentions, have been mostly unable to right the ship. I’m attributing it to juggling so much at work, with Lisa’s party and the Rawkstars projects. I often struggle when I get too much on my plate and the first thing to go is my health. Yesterday I had a decent day of food intake and managed to sit for 20 minutes, so I’m thankful for that. Weather continues to be unseasonably warm, which helped, since I sat outside in the afternoon and breathed. Grateful for another chance today.
I managed to post an event for the EVH painting raffle. Trish Giambusso and Chris Benvie donated a custom painting to be raffled off for Rawkstars. It’s immensely generous of them and we met on Sunday to discuss the details as well as for me to pickup the piece. I’m thankful to have such amazing friends in my life and people that want to support the charity, with art of their own. It added another set of tasks to my plate, but how can I be anything but grateful for the process? I have a brief pause in work, since the service anniversary wrapped, but right around the corner is GDOJ and I need to finish strong to make this investment pay off at Hasbro. I also picked up a project to put together a holiday concert with the Engagement Team. I know I’m literally writing this on the heels of talking about a busy schedule derailing my health goals, but it’s something I need to learn to juggle. I can be productive at work, keep Rawkstars afloat and take care of myself. I’m certain of that, but need some smaller goals and need to learn to pace myself so I don’t get going too far ahead of myself on any one thing. Grateful for the opportunity to better myself and accomplish important goals along the way.
11/9/20: Lisa’s party was a big success. She was completely surprised for one. The girls came over early for a drink and she was all dressed up and looking hot. At 7, about a dozen people all strolled in the house together and yelled surprise, so we even got that moment unexpectedly. From there, we simply brought in the food, booze and started enjoying each other’s company. It was a great mix of people and everyone really smiled all night. The weather was freakishly warm, so we had the patio door open and much of the party took place around the firepit. It was ideal and the stars really aligned. I played the video at around 8:30 and brought everyone into the living room. Lisa loved it as did everyone, and then we brought out the JAWS cake and sang happy birthday. The night was awesome all around and we are blessed to have such great chosen family around us. I know Lisa felt special and all the work and running around was worth it. The kids helped a lot, including the cleanup 😉 Thankful.
11/7/20: I’ve been working on the History of Rawkstars social media campaign for a week now. It’s definitely added to my plate of work, but it’s also been fulfilling. I’m able to recall lots of the stories and people that helped get us here. It gives me a chance to write a bit creatively each morning, which I am also thankful for. It’s been successful so far, in that we have 8 people who joined in the 7 days I’ve been posting. The cumulative value of the subscriptions is 17, since one of them did $100 monthly rate. It’s awesome to me even after 17 years of doing this, that people are moved by what Rawkstars does. The stories speak for themselves, but thinking back on all these years it’s still an exciting thing to consider and experience.
Finished Lisa’s video yesterday and am pretty happy with the results. I think she and everyone who sees it will feel the sentiments loud and clear. I’m grateful to the guys who helped put the song together and to everyone who confirmed they are coming to the party. I know she will feel the love and I’m thrilled to help bring extra attention to someone who deserves it so much.
11/6/20: Wrapped up the service anniversary event last night. A few tech glitches but overall I think people left happy. It felt good to have it executed and a bit of relief to have it in the rear view mirror. Grateful for the project and how many people it brought me closer to.
Today is my last day of prep for Lisa’s party tomorrow. Everything is lined up and I saw the print of her cake last night, which looked awesome. I’ve got some finishing touches to put on the video and am hopeful to finish those this morning when she goes out to the gym. The girls threw her off the party scent by making plans to head to Providence with us tomorrow night. It’s kind of exciting having this secret that I know is going to bring her joy. The weather this weekend is unseasonably warm, which will allow us to open up the yard and spread out. I’m going to clean up out there today and also cut the lawn, which is way overdue. Thankful for all the folks who are coming and for the chance to do something extra special for my wife. She deserves it for sure.
11/4/20: Close to completion on the videos for work yesterday. Showed Sue the final clips and she liked them. It’s been a good learning experience for me in navigating the new team, politically. I got a late night text asking me to push one final edit through, so I have that to deal with today, but am hopeful everyone will leave with a great feeling about the end result and my role in putting it together. Grateful to have been given this opportunity and hopeful it will result in my official change of teams.
I also made great progress on the video project for Lisa’s bday. I had time while she went to the gym, then the supermarket. I got much of it lined up and have a strong working version. Today I’m planning to spend a couple hours polishing it up, tweaking the transitions and re-ordering pics where necessary. I’m really enjoying the project, even though I’m having to do it in secrecy for fear of getting caught. Thankful to have enough creative energy to put this together for Lisa. Hoping she really feels how much I love her.
11/3/20: Struggling with balance lately, as evidenced by my inconsistent posting here. I’ve been really busy finishing the videos for the work project, and also trying to squeeze in time for Lisa’s 50th. I’ve got most of the details buttoned up now, but still haven’t had enough time to work on the music/video gift I’m putting together. Mainly, it’s hard to get time alone when she isn’t around so I can focus for a couple hours. The few times I’ve had a window, I’ve had work meetings or simply been too tired at the end of the day. Might have a chance today and am looking to work outside the house tomorrow, if all else fails. Thankful to be busy and productive.
I started the ‘History of Rawkstars” campaign on FB. The idea is that I’m posting every day in November in an attempt to attract 30+ members to the Fan Club. That will put us at my original goal of 130, which would be a nice accomplishment for 2020, considering all the ups and downs and challenges I’ve had. So far so good and I have 5 signups in 3 days. It’s also a great reminder to me personally about all the great people and projects I’ve been fortunate enough to be part of through the charity. Truly grateful for Rawkstars and everyone who has made it possible.
Had a good conversation with Bella about school. She’s considering dropping Calculus as she’s had a tough time juggling it, being home, with work, etc. I encouraged her to do so and we talked through what her next semester and summer classes might look like. It’s so great when she opens up and I feel happy that she’s been more willing to talk with me the last few months about stuff like this. I’m trying to be a better listener and supportive of her decisions instead of trying to fix things for her or be too directive in my advice. Whatever the reason, it’s awesome to connect with her in this way.
10/31/20: Productive day at work. Got the second cut of the exec video from Doga and it looks awesome. I also got the most recent round of edits from the manager video and it has improved tremendously. I think they are both well done and compliment each other, which is what I was after. Few more days to button up and polish things but I’m feeling good about where we are.
After some fits and starts, I was also able to make traction on Lisa’s birthday vid. I got the master video/audio track from Joe and used it to create a base timeline. I figured out how to use the software I downloaded and get pics on the timeline, looking the way I wanted and easy to edit. I got through the first minute of the song while Lisa was cooking and showering. I’m feeling confident about the project and know I will be able to finish it in the next few days, once I get enough time in private. Thankful for the feeling of making progress against short term goals.
10/29/20: Got a bit of time in the studio with Joe. We worked on the video a bit, but didn’t get full resolution. He has some chops with the basic edit functions, but it took us a while to get up and running and ultimately, we were only able to sync the video and audio to output that in one file. It’s a step forward, but still leaves me plenty of work to do this week to get something together. Still, it’s always nice connecting with Joe and we’ve really become pretty close over the years. I’m thankful to have made progress and spent a few hours with a friend, even if the outcome wasn’t as productive as I’d hoped.
Connected with Vicky, Sterling, Chris and a few others through work yesterday. Always have a special place in my heart for those guys. We were all together when I started and though we don’t do projects together much, we still feel like friends. I’m glad that being at Hasbro has connected me to those guys and several others that I am happy to have crossed paths with.
Still struggling mightily on the mindful/food side of life. It’s funny and possibly coincidental, but I’ve been as productive as I’ve been in a long time with work, Rawkstars and taking care of tasks in my life, but I’ve been doing terribly with taking care of myself physically/mentally. I’m at something of a polar opposite of where I was about 2 months ago, when I was depressed, feeling horribly, but meditating regularly and really controlling my food intake. I know it wasn’t a good place to be either, but desiring a place of balance, where I can get things done without putting myself on the back burner. Thankful for the recognition and for another chance to turn the corner.
10/28/20: Got the catering order in for Lisa’s party finally. I had been stalling on that and managed to get it crossed off the list. I also had a call with Alison and Paul about the cake, so that’s also settled. I’ve got plans to meet Joe tomorrow night to hopefully get the video done, then I’ll be in good shape with everything. I’ll connect with all the guests once more to ensure everyone feels safe about coming by and confirm their arrival time, etc. but otherwise, I think all the plans are in place.
I connected over teams with Juliet. It was nice to have someone reach out like that just to say hi. We always got along well and I was happy to hear from her. I also got a nice note from Shayna Goldberg about her Rawkstars subscription. She wants to raise the amount and also did a FB fundraiser for her birthday. She’s someone I really did not know in High School, but has been super supportive of the charity for the last few years. Made me feel grateful.
Lastly, I took a bit of time to create a spreadsheet for my planned posting throughout November, which is coming up in a few days. The idea is to post on FB for 30 straight days in celebration of our 17th anniversary. I’m going to tell our story in somewhat of a timeline from start to now. I’m going to ask for 1 supporter per day to join the Fan Club. If successful, we will be somewhere around 130 by the time December rolls around and that was our original target for 2020. Fingers crossed and I’m thankful we are even within striking distance, considering the ups and downs of the last year.
10/27/20: Visited my boss at her house yesterday. I drove over to capture a voice over that I wanted to have her record for the service anniversary video project. She had a beautiful home, and it was nice to see her in person. I also met her husband who was really cool. He has MS and is in a wheelchair. We had a nice chat about life, family, gratitude and other things while she was recording upstairs. It felt good to connect with someone new and he seemed like a really cool guy. He used to be a personal trainer and I can’t imagine how it must feel to lose the ability to do something you love at such a young age. It was a good reminder about all I have to be thankful for, including my body, even though I complain about it regularly, and the simple joy of making new friends.
10/26/20: Went out to breakfast with the kids yesterday for the first time in a while. Was nice to have a Sunday morning meal together. We rehearsed in the afternoon, out in the backyard. It was chilly and I don’t know how many more of those we can do, but I’m grateful to be able to play anytime. Mike came down and sat in with us, which was awesome. He had a bunch of the tunes down and having an extra player, especially him, really helped fill up the sound. Hoping he had fun and wants to come down and do it again.
Saw a first draft of one of the service anniversary videos last night and really liked the direction Doga is going. He’s. a great editor and storyteller. I have a ton of work to do this week to get things to where they need to be but looking forward to working on it together. Thankful to have met those guys and to be working together on this.
10/25/20: Annual apple pie gala yesterday over at the Kast’s. Always a good time with plenty of laughs, drinks and of course, overeating. Not awesome that at age 50 I still lack the discipline to enjoy stuff like this without overindulging, but regardless, I had a fun afternoon. Doug finally took home the trophy and it was awesome to see him so happy. Those guys are so sweet and they are gracious hosts. The kids all came up, which was nice. Bella brought Alex, which convinced Quincy to tag along. I know it isn’t really his favorite scene, but he held up ok and was engaged. Thankful they get to hang out and see us connect with long time friends in that way. I hope they’ll be fortunate enough to enjoy long-term relationships like that when they are older and it’s nice to have multiple generations together. Alex had her baby there of course, so there were really 3 generations of friends involved :). Grateful.
10/23/20: Visited NPA yesterday to shoot some footage of the empty building and some other pics as part of my project. It was weird but also cool, being there. It was a great reminder of the coolness of the space, but hard to see it so empty. I ran into a couple people and it was nice to have the human connection. Keith was a great sport and helped me with a funny skit I’m hopeful will make the final cut. Grateful for my company.
Q’s been having some friends over on Friday’s the last few weeks. I love seeing him spend time with others and see how he’s been able to mature in that area. He wasn’t always as comfortable around others and I think he’s gotten past much of that and built a really good cohort of friends, like Bella did before. There’s a couple girls in his crew, as there always seem to have been. Delci has been around since day 1 and I think it’s really sweet that they’ve been connected all these years 🙂
I got some time scheduled with Joe yesterday to work on cutting the video for Lisa. I had been struggling with software and my computer lagging behind while rendering video. I tried to get something going with Josh Purdy, but he’s been too unresponsive for my liking so I reached out to Joe to make a plan. I’m relieved that I have a plan in place now and I know it’ll be fun working on it together as always. Thankful that I can put something like this together for Lisa and do it with friends.
10/22/20: Got the finished mix for the Wings track yesterday. It sounds great and really captured the performance, without much polish, which is exactly what I wanted. We played well together and I wanted to preserve that sound and feeling without carving out the humanity. No matter how many times I get to be in the studio, or which side of the desk I’m on, I’ll never stop being grateful for those days. It makes me feel good about the life path I chose and the fact that I’ve had so very many amazing experiences through music is simply awesome.
Getting close to wrapping up shooting for the service anniversary project I’ve been working on. I’ve got 3 final calls today including one with Brian, our CEO. I’ve been reflecting on the project with tremendous joy. It’s allowed me to connect, very personally with people from all across the company. It’s been an exercise in gratitude in that I get to hear their stories of their awesome teams and their own perspective on working for such a great outfit. I’ve been given a tremendous amount of trust by my teammates, who encouraged me to directly access folks at the most senior levels of the company unencumbered. I’ve also gotten my creative juices flowing as I make progress and begin to envision what all this can become, along with great partners in Jonas and Doga. My main hope is that I can make Sue and Frances really shine, by delivering something powerful, heartfelt and funny. I want to return the gift they’ve given me and reinforce the confidence and productivity that I know is possible for us all to continue working together for many years.
10/21/20: Day #2 of my re-re-re-start on the 31 day challenge. Feels good to get through even a couple days of regulated eating and movement. Trying to breathe and take things one day at a time.
Lisa and I finished watching The Sopranos, for probably the 4th time through. It’s simply the greatest piece of American cinema that I can think of. The writing and acting is beyond comparison and to have maintained such a high level of storytelling and execution over 86, hour long episodes is unmatched, imo. I’m grateful to have experienced it when it was being aired and to live in an era where such great art is instantly available. Lisa and I both love the show and it was cool to experience it together once again. RIP Tony, for now.
Spent the better part of this work week interviewing folks for the service anniversary dinner. It’s been a cool experience to get to know so many new people across the company. I never would have crossed paths with many of these folks otherwise. It’s also been nice to connect with some of the highest level execs in the company. I’m thankful that my new role has allowed me this opportunity and that the team of Sue and Bryony gave me such trust, so quickly. I’m working my ass off with EmVision to create this thing on the fly, with minimal time and resources. I really want the project to shine for several reasons including my future work prospects with the teams but also personal pride. Grateful for the opportunity.
10/20/20: Simple but important goal of getting through the day eating mindfully and exercising. Achieved both. Grateful.
10/18/20: Low key day at home. I got out and cut the grass for the first time in a while. Not out of laziness, but I had it overseeded a couple weeks back and you need to let it sit. I also watered and we’ve had good amounts of rain, so the lawn has thickened up nicely. It felt good to move a bit as I’ve been really stagnant, since things picked up at work. It also felt good to be working in the yard, something I did lots over the spring/summer but not much lately. Looks good out there and I’m thankful for some time interacting with nature.
I spent some time with my bass and (mostly) learned Double Vision, a new song I’m hoping the band will try out. Always enjoy sitting down and learning a new song, especially when it turns out not to be too hard and within my range as a player. Paul came by and dropped off the footage he shot at the studio last weekend. Now I need to buckle down and start putting together Lisa’s project. I only have a couple weeks and I’m not an adept editor so it’s gonna take me some time. I did take an hour and fished out more than enough pics, so I just need time to get the music sync’ed up with the video and start assembling from there. Thankful for something creative and to be making something for Lisa.
10/17/20: Received the final (re)payment from OMG in the longstanding dispute I’ve had with them since last year. Crissy helped immensely. In fact, I would be most likely still be suffering with no resolution had it not been for her intervention. It’s an amazing example of how things change with perspective and time. A year ago, I was riddled with guilt and negative emotions about this situation. I was embarrassed, angry, frustrated and it was a tremendous drain on me personally and professionally. I wasn’t sleeping and while I lay awake I was plotting ways I would seek revenge against Jamie, who made me feel as bad about myself as anyone ever has. With Crissy’s help, I was able to retrieve half of the money and the emotions dissipated almost instantly. Fast forward to now, and I’ve barely even thought of it once. As of yesterday, I’ve been made whole financially and also have the great perspective of knowing that even something that hurt me so badly turned out ok in the end. It’s tremendously gratifying, Rawkstars’ bank account is in great shape and my emotional/life skills have grown by pushing through a negative experience and emerging from it stronger. Grateful.
10/16/20: Having good success lately with the approach of having small goals for productivity. Over the last couple days I managed to cross off my tax forms for Rawkstars, which had been sitting for about 2 weeks needing attention. I also polished off the final documents and details for my temporary leave. I delivered a package with baby gifts for Shara, a friend at work and finished some templates for a work project that had been dragging along. Nothing huge, but I’m feeling productive without having to light the world on fire every day. Grateful.
We attended Q’s first track meet of the season. It’s been uneven of course due to Covid, but it was awesome to see him run again. He did really well, despite going into it thinking he wasn’t in shape. Proud of his commitment and we get such enjoying from seeing him push himself and succeed. Awesome kid. Super thankful.
10/14/20: Going back to basics and being thankful for the present moment. Sometimes, when I’m really being mindful, I notice all the little bits of awesome while I’m getting ready in the morning. The fact that I can turn a knob and immediately get endless hot water to shower. I smell the soap and think about the people in the factory who made it and brought it to the store for me to buy. I feel grateful for indoor plumbing and how clean I feel after toweling off with a dry fluffy towel, of which I have dozens. I brush my teeth slowly and feel how clean they are and how much I take toothpaste and a toothbrush for granted. I blow my nose on super soft tissue. I inhale the scent of my deodorant (Tom’s of Maine 🙂 and smile thinking how much I take for granted each day. I’m so fortunate to live in a time of such convenience, abundance and ease.
It’s really hard to focus on things like this for an extended time, but for whatever reason I’ve been able to develop some ability to connect with the present moment in my morning routine. Thankful for that.
Super busy day at Hasbro yesterday. Got the first of the interview series in the can and it felt good to make a bit of progress there. I also got the template for the Immersive Experience I’m building with Save The Children. Such an awesome organization and continuing to meet and develop relationships with folks at these places has been revelatory. I was so sheltered in my prior role that I didn’t realize how much I missed making new connections and how good I am at it. Grateful for the reminder and for the chance to immerse myself in work for the first time in a while.
10/13/20: Enjoyed a low key day off / long weekend from work. In the morning, I took a call for a reference for EmVision. I was happy to tell about my great experience to a woman looking to hire them. I told Jonas I was honored to be asked and would help in that way anytime possible. I connected with a cool woman from a very cool sounding nonprofit that coaches executives to accelerate their growth and then connect them with funders. Unfortunately, it sounds like they don’t work with charities as small as Rawkstars, but I still made a great personal connection with the woman I spoke with. Grateful to be able to help Jonas get more business and meet someone cool in the process.
Gave a quick listen to the rough mix from our project the day before and it sounds excellent. Very simple but tight and polished nonetheless. I was really happy with where it’s at and it only needs minimal tweaks to finish it off. Then I can get started trying to put together the video portion.
I took Bella out for a ride, after chatting with her the day before via text. I could tell something was bothering her and she reached out in her own way, letting me know she needed to talk. We took a quick drive to this local catering place that I’m thinking of hiring for Lisa’s party. Just a local Portuguese place. We drove by and it’s smack dab in the middle of a great little Portagee neighborhood, which made me feel good ;). Afterward, I just drove a bit and got her to open up. I pulled over at the lake and she finally admitted school was the source of her stress, which I kinda suspected. She puts a ton of pressure on herself and she hasn’t enjoyed the remote schooling much, which I can relate to. She got good grades in Physics, but got a C on her chemistry lab portion, which had her really bummed. We had a good chat and I told her how amazing she is. I tried not to get too preachy or solution based and just told her how proud we were and how much she’s accomplishing. I told her the soft skills of being able to communicate, reach out for help, ask questions and make changes in her life are what’s going to carry her, not a letter grade from college. She sees everything as very competitive, which I can imagine is the world she is immersed in, plus the pressures of social media where everyone appears perfect. She’s an exceptional kid and juggling a ton, doing really well with most of it. I think she felt better and after dinner she spent time with us in the living room and we laughed a lot, which was really nice. Grateful she came to me and that I was able to make her feel some relief.
Lastly, I had a solid day of food intake, for the first time in about a week. I didn’t make it to the gym as hoped, but I’m thankful for being more mindful on the consumption side, even just for one day.
10/12/20: As mentioned, we recorded yesterday which turned out great. No rehearsals, but everyone came prepared and knew their parts. We setup quickly and took maybe 30 minutes to get sounds. Then we ran through the song a couple times and played all together live. Mike, Teresa and I were all in the control room, using the live mix, no headphones. Jimmy was in the vocal room singing a scratch and Greg was in the studio. It sounded great right away and we almost had a perfect take on #1. We ran through it maybe 5-6 times and landed on one that was very solid. I had to punch in 2 notes right near the end of the song, but it felt good for everyone else so I didn’t want to push for more. Once we had that done, Jimmy went back in to re-sing one line but Joe told him to just run through the whole song, ostensibly so we’d have a second track to pull any other ‘fixes’ from. Once Jim started rolling with the backing tracks, he really came alive and sang a full pass that blew away his previous versions. We kept the entirety of that track and I was blown away at how good it sounded. Playing with Greg again was cool. He came totally prepared and needed no direction whatsoever. It felt really comfortable since I’ve played with him so much I can kinda feel where he is at pretty easily. That’s one of the first times I’ve had that kind of experience. I’ve played with Barry and Joe on drums in a few different settings, but Greg is the drummer I’ve played with more than anyone, in our years of Wicked Blue. It was nice and I told him so. Mike is a rock on guitar and I also feel very comfortable playing with him. He’s got such a great feel and makes it easy to sound tight together. It was the first time I’d played with T and I’m thankful to add her to the list of great musicians I’ve been able to perform with. Excited to get the song mixed and start putting together some video. I want to make Lisa feel special on her b-day and realize how much we all love her.
10/11/20: I typically write about the prior day, but today I’m super excited about heading into the studio to record the song for Lisa’s birthday video. Me, Greg, Mike, Teresa and Jim are going to record ‘Maybe I’m Amazed’ by Paul McCartney and I’m going to use it to cut a 50th b-day video with pics and some live clips of the band as a celebration of Lisa’s 50 years. I’ve been getting pumped about it more each day, especially given the sparse musical landscape over the last year. I treasure any time I get in the studio and in another life, I might have stuck in that business and done very well. I’ve had to work on the song undercover, since I can’t let her hear me practicing it so much. So I’ll jam early mornings while she is out running or even just in the shower. I feel ‘ready’ to pump it out at full volume with other people playing together. I want us to attempt to record all the instruments in one pass, ‘live’, just like a real band. We’ll see how it goes but I’m more concerned about the vibe and take than the sonic quality with this project, especially given it’s going to be underneath video. Grateful for the creative outlet and for such great friends willing to jump in and work with me to make it happen.
10/10/20: Out to dinner with Lisa last night down at Federal Hill. We’ve been craving Italian food, probably because we’ve been watching the Sopranos, for like the 5th time around. Food was solid, but it was great to get out and treat ourselves. I got kinda dressed up, as I’ve basically been wearing a sweatshirt for about a month straight now. I love a good sweatshirt, but it feels nice to occasionally get out for a night and wear snazzy clothes.
Grateful for another excellent week at the office. I’ve hit the ground on the video project and have a big week coming up. I’ll be conducting interviews with several members of the executive team and some people managers. It’s great to feel such a connection to the work and be meeting so many new people. The next few months are going to be busy as hell but I’m happy to be enjoying my daily routine, more than I have in recent memory.
Eating mindfully and regular exercise continue to be a struggle. I can’t seem to get any momentum in those areas and I’ve felt lethargic and achy as a result. I should be taking better care of myself and it wasn’t so long ago that I was energized and pleased with the way I looked and felt. Thankful for my health overall, especially the mental side, but looking to get to a better place of balance and rest there for a while.
10/7/20: Busy day at work yesterday. I think I’ve officially got Jonas on board for the Hasbro service anniversary project I’m running. Excited to work with him again and to be able to throw some business his way. The project isn’t super lucrative, but it will get him in the door with Hasbro and add them to his client roster at minimum, which has value for sure. It’s nice feeling some of the ‘pressure’ associated with running projects again. My calendar is full and I need to focus on execution for the next 2 months for this as well as the GDOJ pieces I’m responsible for. It’s a nice way to feel engaged and needed, after many months of not having that connection.
Got back on the meditation saddle yesterday after missing a few days. Food intake was solid but not super mindful. I continue to struggle with feelings of consumption and it’s been hard to breathe through those. Another chance to start over today and for that I’m thankful.
Eddie Van Halen passed away yesterday. Super sad and he was easily amongst the pinnacle of giants of guitar in my lifetime. VH created so much memorable, moving, timeless music that he will always be part of my life no matter what. Grateful that I got to feel his presence through music for all these years.
10/5/20: Finished up an awesome weekend with band practice yesterday afternoon. Setup outside again, but we are inching closer to a time when that won’t be possible, due to weather. It was fun and the sound has gotten better each time. That said, I feel like we are lacking focus, mainly because we aren’t working towards a gig or any other project/performance. I’m going to try and round people up and see if we can build a proper setlist, and plan a date when we can record ourselves, to at least give us a target to work towards. Always grateful for time with the band and playing music with such talented, cool people.
10/4/20: Went out to see a KISS tribute band last night over at The District in Taunton. Gig was outdoors. Weather was mild and I must say it felt absolutely great to see/hear live music again. The place was pretty full and they had a very solid setup/production. Lisa and I went with Mike, who had mentioned the show a few days ago when I worked at his house. We saw Tommy D., Perry, Paul Silvia, Jamie and a few others. It was so nice to socialize with people I don’t see often and to do so with the backdrop of music. Band were pretty solid and of course KISS is always fun to hear and play. I read just this morning that music venues in Mass are being allowed to re-open at 50% capacity, which is amazingly good news. I’ve missed live music probably more than any other activity during the pandemic and seeing these places start to re-open is a godsend, for a return to being together. Thankful.
In the morning, I ran 5k. Lisa had mentioned it the night before so I had it planted in my head. I heard Bella get up and leave for work early and it kinda motivated me to get up and out. My run was actually pretty solid. I kept an even pace and good form through most of the run and finished with something left in the tank. Grateful I was able to channel my motivation and start the day with a run.
After we got back from the gig, I predictably overate. We didn’t have any dinner, which of course left me feeling like I had a free pass to eat, even though I didn’t feel super hungry. I drank too much, which is always fuel on the fire for overeating and that’s what happened. New day today and aiming to reset, as always.
10/3/20: Took a semi-impromptu drive to the White Mountains yesterday with Lisa. We left before lunch and as we got more north, rain really started coming down. I generally don’t check ahead on weather for some reason, and didn’t even consider it when I suggested we take the ride. I really wanted to see the foliage and get out of town, if even just for a day. We wound up pulling off the highway at Concord and found a little place where we grabbed lunch. Downtown Concord is beautiful! At the restaurant, we were able to sit at the bar, so I jumped at the chance for that, since those haven’t been available in Mass for a super long time. We ordered a few drinks and some food and had a nice conversation. It felt good to simply be there. I didn’t worry about the rain or if we would continue north or just turn around and head home. We ate, drank and talked and just enjoyed the moment. After a while, we got back in the car and I decided to go for it, and we continued north. The weather was better and the leaves got progressively nicer as we drove. We jumped off at route 49, which is a loop just south of the Kancamangus Hwy. We enjoyed the scenery and stopped at a river to walk around and I snapped a few pictures. We took it slow for a bit and then just headed back. Nothing fancy, but I really enjoyed the time. Listened to music in the car and had a change of scenery, which is nice, considering how little of that we have had recently. Grateful for the cheap, easy option of jumping in my car and going someplace beautiful. For the simple pleasure of sitting at a bar with Lisa and having food and drinks. For the option of being a bit creative and taking pics, with a camera that is always available in my pocket. For living.
Q had some friends over and I made them a backyard fire. Nice to see him socialize. He has a good crew, like Bella did growing up. Good kids with good parents. Thankful for his progression socially and that he’s surrounding himself with quality people.
I oversnacked after dinner, but brought myself back from the edge before it got too bad. Feeling ready to start a new day today, feeling thankful for my health.
10/2/20: Day 4 of solid eating and moving. Feeling better and proud of myself for taking things one day at a time. Got myself to the park for a solitude walk. The weather was amazing and it was great to be outside and feel alive.
Work was a bit unproductive yesterday, but I took care of some small tasks that were satisfying. I dug in a bit on ‘Maybe I’m Amazed’, which I’m going to be recording next weekend as part of Lisa’s birthday present. I’m gonna put together a slideshow with photos of course, but want to record the music instead of using a canned track. I’ve got players from our circle that have been part of Lisa’s 4 bands over the years. I’ll play bass, Mike on guitar, Greg on drums and Teresa on piano. I’ve got Jimmy and Dave teed up to sing and would like to try and get Bella and Jerry to lay down some backup vocals in an effort to include more people. Anyways, I spent an hour or so with the song and worked out most of it while Lisa was at the gym. Grateful to have something musical on the radar and a creative project to work on to make Lisa feel special.
10/1/20: Weird day yesterday after we awoke to no power. There was a wind storm during the night and Matt’s tree across the street came down. It was early and I had some calls, so I texted Mike and asked if he had power. He did and I went to his place to piggyback on his wifi. I figured ours would come back soon enough, but as the day progressed, it never did. So I stayed there for nearly the whole day. It was a productive day of meetings, etc. and it was kinda nice to get out of the home office for a day. I was able to sit outside on his deck, we had lunch, coffee, music and of course chatted in between meetings.
I worked with Jamie to get her first Rawkstars newsletter out yesterday, just before the end of the month. She did a pretty good job, but I had to push her at the 11th hour to reformat some of the text elements. It’s been good having her around and I’m thankful to keep up with the ability to pay someone for their help in making RS better. We got a new signup for the Fan Club and I also heard from Sue Kast about her annual HPHC community grant, which is also awesome news. We’ve been able to retain our bank account at + $20k for the last couple months and I’m hopeful we can make it through the end of 2020 at that minimum. Q4 is going to be a big opportunity for us to get that Fan Club number up and we are targeting the original 130 as the goal. Thankful to be in striking distance and for some energy and help in Q4 to try and achieve it.
3rd solid consecutive day on the 31 day challenge. I didn’t get to the gym, due to the power outage thing mentioned above, but I did eat mindfully and feel better than I did just a few days ago.
9/30/20: Another great day at work yesterday. As mentioned previously, the idea and opportunity to join this group was a literal saving grace for me. A few weeks in and I can confidently say the actual experience has exceeded the impossibly high bar I had emotionally set. I’m spending my days engaged, energized and genuinely connected to the work. The team has been more than welcoming and the culture and chemistry within the group is honest and heartfelt. Operationally, the projects are directly in my wheelhouse and I’ve been able to dive into multiple project streams both as a contributor and as a leader, without resistance. In addition to contributing, I’m also learning. Both from the partners I’m meeting with as well as the internal team members. Considering where I was a month ago, I couldn’t have imagined that amount of suffering would lead me to what just might be my Dream Job. It’s a concept I’ve considered for many years and even read books about. I’m trying to let things simmer and take it day by day, but couldn’t be more grateful for Hasbro, Dolph, Kevin and others opening this door to what is possible.
9/29/20: Day #1 of the 31 day challenge reset. Felt good to get through the day taking care of myself. I went to the gym during lunch and did 3+ miles on the elliptical. Was nice to get a sweat going and be around the gym atmosphere. Ate mindfully and refrained from snacking after dinner.
During the morning, I took care of lots of small items on my todo list. I paid some bills related to our self-directed IRA, I got confirmation (finally!) about our wire transfer for the mortgage payoff, I called the insurance company and Dr. Gagnon’s office continue to tie up some loose ends regarding my claim and finished writing copy for the upcoming Rawkstars newsletter as well as made a playlist for the same purpose. I also got a report over to my accountant to complete the Rawkstars tax filings. I had been procrastinating on this specific point for a month.
It continues to feel good to make small bits of progress and not worry about any so called ‘big’ things. That’s always been a trap for me, and lately I’ve been noticing when things turn that way. For example, I had been getting excited about buying a new hot tub, after ours crapped out a couple seasons back. I hadn’t wanted to spend that much money with all the other things over the last year+. Since we cleaned up our finances recently, we have a bit of cash set aside and lower bills going forward. I was already 80% down the path to buying one and I caught myself. I realized it won’t make us happier, even though we would surely enjoy having it for the next few months especially. Instead, I’m taking equal comfort in continuing down the path we started to save and replenish our reserves with the newfound capacity. It’s also now something I can stop thinking about and planning for, which is also nice. I want to keep taking it day by day and refrain where possible from making big changes. I’m content and happy with what I have and where I am in life and I want to marinate in it and enjoy it for as long as possible. Thankful for some restraint and recognition.
9/28/20: Taught Q how to shave yesterday :). He’s had a little mustache brewing for the last few months and asked me to show him how to shave. We went downstairs to our bathroom and I took him through the process. Nothing complicated or lengthy, but it was kind of a cool father/son little moment that made me smile.
Later in the afternoon, he and I also went apple picking. I had to make an appointment, due to covid, which I did the day before. I’m determined to get out and do some of the fall stuff we skipped last year for some reason. Lisa is still kinda hurting with her leg and didn’t seem too interested so Q jumped in and went with me. The orchard was somewhat sparse, but we had fun and filled up our bag quickly. I love the process of collecting apples and of course eating a bunch along the way to see which ones taste best. We bought a pumpkin to take home and got ice cream afterward. Simple, wholesome time together with the boy, for which I am grateful.
Food continues to be an issue these past 2 weeks. I’m gaining back some of the losses I experienced the last 3 months and feeling crummy physically. I made a pledge to re-start my 30-day challenges today and try to right the ship until I do. I removed the old papers I had on the window that represented my successful period. I replaced it with a new blank page, which I will begin working on today. I also want to try and get a better routine this week to incorporate both exercise and meditation in a bit more predictable fashion, instead of leaving it to the whim of each day. Hoping some semblence of regular timeslots will help me get traction. Thankful for the willingness to try again.
9/27/20: Took the family and Alex out to the Portuguese place for dinner. We all got the bifana, which I had been craving and was really good! It was nice to go out for a change and get something kinda special.
During the afternoon, I started to rally some people for a small party for Lisa’s 50th. I had been stalling all over the place between covid, no vacations, spending money and not really knowing what’s ‘best’. Anyhow, I decided on having a small group of people over to the house. I got in touch with some folks and they are all interested/excited. I want Lisa to feel special for a change. She doesn’t get enough of that and deserves some attention. I also ordered a JAWS themed cake from Alison and Prof, which I think she will dig too. Lastly, I’m planning a music/video tribute and have some folks lined up to record a song with me, to use as the music bed. Should be cool and will be nice to work on something creative for a change.
We took a short walk in the afternoon, notable only because we haven’t been getting out all week. I haven’t exercised since last weekend when I did the birthday run/ride and Lisa has been laid up with a bag leg for about 2 weeks. It’s funny, but we seem to align on stuff like this more often than not. When one of us is going badly, the other sometimes follows. In any case, it was nice to get something like that going, even slowly. I’m going to try and right the ship with my food/exercise routine this week. I plan to get a gym cadence going now that my work life is settling back in. I need to retain all the positive momentum I’ve built over the last 3 months and not let it go to shit. Grateful for the willingness to pay attention and get back on the horse as many times as is necessary.
9/26/20: Finished my first full week back at Hasbro yesterday after a partial week previously. I must say it was pretty darn good. I had a fairly full calendar most days without feeling overloaded. I got a lot of enjoyment from many of the meetings. I connected with lots of folks at some great organizations and learned a good amount about the folks in my group. We had a in-person lunch one day, which was awesome. I’ve been included on multiple project threads that I am already contributing to. I feel super welcomed by everyone and I’m learning some things. Grateful for not only returning to normal, but having the work side of things surpass even where I had been before.
Spontaneously connected with Barry Wong yesterday. I learned he is still at what’s left of UP and we jumped on a call with Emily Conway, who is also still consulting there. It was really cool to see and talk to both of them. It was a special crew there and I still hold so many fond memories and friendships from the 7.5 years I spent at the company. Barry is a super sweet guy and it felt good to talk with them both. Thankful I’ve had so many great work experiences during my life. It’s been an honor to hold some of the unique positions I’ve held as well as being part of some incredible organizations.
9/25/20: Took care of a few small tasks that I’ve been procrastinating on. One was calling Gagnon to chase down some paperwork for the insurance company, who is supposed to pay my short term disability claim. It’s not much money, but I’m trying to be transparent with the whole ordeal and get everyone all the bits of info they need, so I can move on. I got a callback from the office and she said she would have it sorted out by today and call again to confirm.
I also emailed my accountant for Rawkstars, Harmon. He asked me for some follow up info to complete the 2020 filings. I had gotten him most of what he needed but over the last 10 days haven’t mustered the energy to compile the more detailed list by exporting it from QBO. I asked Donna for some help and she offered to take care of it.
Lastly, I communicated with my therapist, Deb. I had to cancel my last two appointments, since I’ve returned to work. She is a bit difficult personally and I feel a bit awkward talking with her, which isn’t a great trait for a therapist ;). In any case, I’m keeping up my end of the bargain and got back to her to explain things. I definitely think continuing with therapy is a good idea, but I’ll need to dig in more and research to find someone more suited to what I’d like.
Funny how sometimes small things weigh heavily and cause us to let them linger, which only adds to their weight. In any case, I am grateful to have crossed these items off and continue moving forward with new things.
Over the past few days, we had some new signups on the Rawkstars Fan Club. Most of it came from a FB post Lisa added for my birthday. It’s always a good feeling to see folks support the cause so generously and to see us inching closer to 100 subscriptions, after what’s been a tough stretch by any measure. Jamie is also making progress on RS business. She began posting on Instagram and FB this past week and has a newsletter formatted for the end of this month. She’s a hard worker and I’m glad to have her on board for as long as I can afford to keep her. It’s a tiny glimpse into what could be possible with a bit of support and energy from someone besides me. It’s actually made me a bit more engaged as well to have a few deadlines to meet and keep her on track. Grateful.
9/24/20: Got introduced to Save the Children yesterday through a work project. That continues to be a pattern, meeting awesome people from awesome charity orgs during my day. I’m taking on a project to create ‘immersive experiences’ with 4 of our key partners as part of the annual Hasbro Global Day of Joy. It’s a big responsibility, especially in a year when the GDOJ is going to be a bigger challenge than normal. We are taking much of the experience online, due to covid and are trying to be creative with how we can do something engaging for employees that brings a sense of community and charity, without being too passive and screen oriented. I’m grateful and honored to have been given such a big project and equally grateful that I am connecting with folks at these charities to learn and be inspired by their ethic.
Finally got some resolution (hopefully) on the saga of the mortgage payoff. It took me 2+ weeks but I think the funds have been properly transferred and debited from my account. Waiting now to get the payoff letter and a rebate of my escrow funds. I also paid off (temporarily) the equity line I had open. Since I reserved a bunch of money for taxes and December’s tuition payment to Assumption, I decided to use the funds to pay this down to zero so we aren’t being charged interest in the short term. I continue to be thankful for our financial position at the moment and the newfound flexibility with having cut our bills fairly deeply.
Continuing to feel good mentally and even keeled from day to day. I’ve had a couple bouts of frustration and even mild anger, which actually feel good. During the prior period of depression, those were not feelings I was capable of.
9/23/20: Continued to get some nice messages from people wishing me happy birthday. It’s been kinda nice to hear from so many folks and read their kind words.
I got some real satisfaction yesterday from reconfiguring my desk/office/music area. I picked up a monitor from Hasbro the day before and in teh afternoon, I cleared off my whole desk, cleaned it and removed tons of cables. I moved the mixer off the desk so I could fit more screens. In doing so, I took out all the mic cables and took out my unused snake. That allowed me to use fewer cables and neaten things up a lot. Now I have a much better setup at the desk and it feels more conducive to working. Lisa was laughing at me but doing stuff like this is kinda my ‘happy place’. Cabling, neatening and making the space more useful are all things I dig.
Continuing to really enjoy the new role at Hasbro. I’m spending my days learning about non-profit partners and connecting with people who are like-minded. I’ve taken point on a couple projects and contributing already. It feels great and the team has been so welcoming. I’m also not doing any administrative process stuff as of yet, which is also a nice change. I’m guessing if I’m lucky enough to join the team permanently, some of that might be helpful but for now, I’m steering towards the hands-on project work in front of me.
Graetful as hell for this chance and for bringing joy back into my life.
9/22/20: 50+ 1 day. Continued to get some nice messages from friends on FB and via text. Made me feel good to hear from so many cool people that have been part of my life. Had a better day of food intake, though not perfect. Got out and mowed the grass even though I didn’t feel like it. Continued the streak of good days with the new role and still feeling really positive about things at work. I went and picked up some monitors from the office and today I plan to re-orient my desk. Again. Grateful for another day above ground and for holding on to the feelings of love in my life.
9/21/20: 50!? I hadn’t been too twisted up on the idea of turning 50, but must admit it’s felt a bit weird. The day before I got my bike ready and assembled all my gear and clothes. I got up early, around 7 and took a quick shower and headed out. Q heard me putting my shoes on and came out of his room to wish me luck. He’s such a sweet kid and I was happy to see him for a few minutes. I drove down to the park and it was really cold out, like 43 degrees. I was a bit unprepared for such temperatures, but fortunately I wore a windbreaker, which helped a bit. The ride was decent. My toes and fingers were really cold and my back/hip started barking almost immediately. I’ve been dealing with that for about 10 days now and no matter how much I stretch or try to work it out, it hasn’t subsided. I was determined it wouldn’t stop me and it wasn’t bad enough to give up. The path was quiet that time of morning, which was kinda nice. The extra few miles beyond my usual ride didn’t make much difference and I felt I rode about my normal pace.
Jumping off the bike at the turnaround was rough. I took a minute to strap the bike to my car, ditch my helmet and gloves and grabbed a quick bite of a Clif Bar and some water. Immediately, I realized how hard it was gonna be to ease into the run after riding 20 miles. My breathing was at a different cadence and my legs felt really heavy. I felt like my pace was ultra slow and it was going to be a struggle from the get go. It kinda was, but I managed to continue on. I was proud of myself for finishing and I grabbed a latte at Borealis, which makes great coffee. I drove home feeling proud of the accomplishment. I spent the last 3 months losing weight and kicking up my exercise and it paid off. Grateful for my body, even though it’s far from perfect and has brought me a lot of suffering over the years. It’s still working, in some ways better than ever and I am thankful it’s mine.
In the afternoon, I sent out some tribute donations for a few people. Aaron, Kevin and Dolph from work. And Rizz and Ed. All those people have really helped me in these last months and made a big impact on my life. I chose charities specific to each of them and made a gift in their honor. I’m thankful I’m in position to help others financially and to connect with folks who I admire and respect through philanthropy.
I rested most of the day and watched some football. Lisa and I went grocery shopping and did some other errands. Ben gave me a donation for Rawkstars. We ordered BBQ for dinner and played Scrabble. It was nice to spend a day doing normal things and feeling gratitude for simply being.
After dinner, the kids played a video they had made for me. It was set to music and had pictures of me from over the years. It was very sweet and moving. They obviously put a lot of work and time into it and I’m honored to be their dad. All in all it was a tremendous day and I have so much to be grateful for. The turn of perspective over the last 6 weeks is not lost on me and I feel most grateful of all for that.
9/19/20: Went out with the guys to Lanzetta’s place for a hang last night. Of course it was plenty of laughs. I had framed it up with everyone that it was a 60th for Mike, and didn’t really mention my own b-day. Jon got Cape Cod pizza of course and was a great host as usual. We used to do those hangs regularly over the years but recently it’s fallen off. Felt good to see those guys and we all love each other very much. I overdid it with the food and drinking, and wound up having a terrible night’s sleep. Drinking just doesn’t agree with me anymore and although I don’t do it often, I still get caught up in social situations and occasionally overdo it. Today is a new day to wipe the slate and I feel grateful that I got to spend some time with my close friends and that we remain in each other’s lives after all these years.
Still having trouble sorting out this bill payment for my mortgage with South State and Citizens. South State has closed my account and tells me my loan is paid in full. However Citizens has not debited my account for the $36k, even after 10 business days. I’ve been going in circles over the phone with both sides and getting nowhere. I’m sure it will get sorted at some point, but I’m making a decision to leave Citizens after many years once it’s cleared up. I want to use a local bank with an actual human being there who can help me personally when I need them.
Grateful to be back to the point of having ‘normal’ problems in life instead of being caught in my own thoughts and disconnected from reality. One more day in my 40’s.
9/18/20: Missed posting yesterday but had a 3rd consecutive day with walking and eating well. I weighed in this morning as well and registered 231. I was kinda surprised as I feel more bloated these last several days and as described have not been eating well. I take the scale results with a grain of salt and understand it’s fluid, at best. My clothes are still fitting well and I’m adjusting to a new body size and feel. Grateful to be in a better place than I was a few months ago.
Had another awesome day with the new group at the office. Meeting everyone in team sessions as well as 1:1. I can’t say enough about how it has changed my outlook and day to day feeling of happiness. I’ve already gotten insight on a few projects I will be leading and/or contributing to and am excited for all the little bits of progress. It’s awesome to be part of a team that is so well connected on the chemistry side and also to feel like I’m able to be ‘hands-on’ again with project work. Supremely thankful for this opportunity.
Received a deposit in the bank from the TDI claim I have been tracking these last 5 weeks. Not sure how to reconcile the amounts with my partial work checks, but our financial position is strong. We have more cash in the bank than we’ve had in recent months, plus we have cash on hand for the second semseter payment at Bella’s school and even set aside enough for the tax hit we will see next year. Starting next month, we should also see a much better cash flow going forward having paid off the mortgage, Lisa’s car and other financial cleanup we’ve done. Again, thankful for being in such a good monetary position.
9/16/20: Solid / mindful food day. That’s #1 and I’m grateful for succeding on that front. I also got to the park for the first time in a while and walked the loop with Q. I dabbled a bit on the work front and met with Kevin and Bryony about my new role. They were great and I got to know Bryony a bit more. I’ve spent a good amount of time with Kevin, but only interactied with her once. I got a good vibe and look forward to learning from them and contributing quickly. Bit of anxiety getting closer to sitting at the desk again, but in a normal way. Butterflies, is more like it.
I set a goal to take care of small things. I was able to get images to Jamie for the RS newsletter and also called the insurance company about my disability claim. My checks have been light the last couple cycles and I honestly can’t keep track of how it’s supposed to be funded. There is part from the state of RI, part from the short term insurance company and I guess part from Hasbro. It’s a ton to try and keep track of and manage, but I left another VM about my claim and that was another item on my todo list I crossed off.
I’m trying to get to the point where I can make small goals for my day and focus on simply making those happen. I don’t need a high impact project to have a good day. I don’t need to make things happen so much as I just need to make small steps forward and enjoy the process while keeping my health top of mind.
9/15/20: Another poor day of non-mindful eating. Can’t seem to get evened out, but grateful for another chance today to try.
Met Bruce and Cindy for lunch down in Newport. They don’t have much to do while they’re in town, so we drove down to meet them for a couple hours. It was nice to catch up and Bruce graciously picked up the check. They’re a great couple and they invited us down to Florida for a visit this winter, which they have done in the past. Maybe this year we can take them up on it?
Had my follow up with Gagnon yesterday. Went well and I told him about all the progress I’ve made, job-wise, etc. Of course he was glad to hear that I’m feeling so much better. He gave me a note to start back at Hasbro as of tomorrow. I had 2 meetings already planned on the calendar for today, so I’m planning to keep those appointments regardless. I’m planning to take care of a couple Rawkstars tasks today which I have been procrastinating on, so I can at least feel like today will be a productive ‘work-day’. I also want to write up a bit of a routine for myself to begin following. I do well when I can get into patterns and with the new role, etc. I want to get off to a good start and set myself up for success. I definitely plan to include a scheduled time for meditation as well as exercise, writing and stretching as part of my new daily routine. Instead of winging it, as I have been doing for too long. I want to honor the time and set aside specific windows of time to take care of those things so I won’t lose focus.
Q started remote schooling yesterday. It’s nice for him to also now have more of a routine during the day. He’s basically been unscheduled for much of the last 7 months. Outside of the last few weeks of running with his friends and scattered classes last year, he hasn’t had any structure. Seems like this year is going to be more regimented online which is a positive. I’m also feeling momentum in the world for kids getting back into at least part-time school in person. Really hopeful that comes to fruition asap and we can continue the march towards getting people back in the same spaces together. I need that on the work front big time and I know many others do as well.
9/14/20: Family party on Saturday for GiGi’s 99th, plus my 50th. Typical family party :). Bruce and Cindy came, as they happened to be in town and I extended the invite. Randy was of course, pissed and acted that way throughout the day. He refused to shake hands and openly displayed his displeasure. I wish there were some way to reach him in a positive way that wouldn’t result in anger and might get him on a path to feeling more happy. I honestly don’t know what he could possibly have against Bruce, considering he was a little kid when he moved to Florida and Randy literally knows nothing about him other than he was our dad’s brother. Otherwise, we made lobsters and steak and celebrated Nana. She is an amazing woman and we all love her tremendously. Bruce and Cindy were genuinely happy to meet her and connect a bit with my mom as well.
Had my latest follow up with Gagnon and got the all clear to return to work this week. As it’s gotten closer, I’ve had some nerves about it, but in a ‘normal’ kind of way. I’ll probably have some awkward moments with the old team and others, but besides the feelings that would come from returning to work after a long absence or changing jobs, I feel it’s time to try and get back on the horse. It’s also a short week, so it should be a good opportunity to restart and see how it goes for a few days.
Eating continues to be a ‘thing’ for me and not in a good way. I’ve been easy on myself because of everything else swirling and in some ways, food struggling is normal for me. That said, I’m definitely on tilt a bit and need to right the ship. Aiming to get into a better routine alongside the return to work and have discipline throughout the day with exercise and intake.
Grateful overall to be at this precipice. A few short weeks ago I would have given anything to feel normal, so I’m keeping that top of mind above all else.
9/12/20: Band practice last night. It was super FUN. I wasn’t worried about how I/we played and just went into it feeling loose and enjoyed it. Of course we sounded decent, and tried a new song, which went well. Everyone hung out a bit afterward and we made some burgers and had a beer. It felt good to just hang with people without pressure or overabundance.
Got a walk in the morning after dropping Q off at cross country practice. I stayed over in Raynham and walked the 3.25 mile fun-run course. It felt good to get a walk in, especially in the morning when it was mellow and quiet. My body got really stiff later in the afternoon and my back has been barking at me since. Tried stretching and rolling and again today. Thankful that I can still move around fairly well as I know many cannot.
9/11/20: Noticed that I am feeling ‘normal’ emotions lately. Annoyance, impatience, anger, etc. It’s actually a positive development. It’s not that they are taking over or anything, but I haven’t felt any of these in several weeks so I’m taking it as a sign of continued movement towards being myself.
Continued with some of the ‘nesting’ activities and worked on Bella’s room a bit more. Added 2 more shelves and it’s really shaped up. I’m going to bring home a couple of computer monitors to expand on the desk setup we have. I want her to have the best experience possible while she is taking classes here at home.
I had a semi-random Fan Club signup yesterday, which hasn’t happened in a while. It was a friend from work who I had spoken with probably 2 months ago. She didn’t signup at the time, but I saw her subscription yesterday. It was a nice little pick me up and I know in the coming weeks, I plan to ramp up my activity level in an attempt to get to the 135 tier I started with as my first goal.
I also had a zoom call with John V. who runs the GBKF that gifted Rawkstars $15k last year. I setup the time because I wanted to follow up with him on what we achieved with the funding they provided. He’s a great guy and seemed genuinely impressed with all the progress we’ve made. I walked him through all the operational changes on the RS side, updated him on the Fan Club, told him about our internship through Q4 and showed him the GBB trailer. He asked a lot of questions and was taking notes throughout. I got the impression he was considering ways of helping us potentially fund more work, particularly on the GBB side. Not sure how things might go, but I intend to follow up with Dave Y. and see if we can have a conversation about continuing to work together, now that we have an established track record. Could be the gateway to helping us continue to build momentum all around and bring in new funding sources with their network.
I’m inching closer to returning to Hasbro and it’s a bit scary to think about. I know the first few days may be awkward and I’m not sure how I will reconnect with people, especially the old team members. I’m not worried about acclimating to the new group and am looking forward to that part. Revisiting what happened to me over the last several weeks will be difficult and I’m not sure how it will make me feel in the moment. Still, I’m going to embrace getting over this hump, as I know it’s part of the process to get myself back on track.
9/10/20: Another mindful day of eating, though I did not get any exercise in. Continued the trend of cleaning up. Brought Doug’s old mountain bike back to him, picked up a lobster pot for the weekend and dropped off my router to Fios. I also got some shelving installed in Bella’s room, put in new shades and brought a storage rack up for her. Trying to help her get a better room/school setup which is a challenge with such a small space. It looks better and she has gotten on the bandwagon with getting rid of some old stuff too. I also bought Q a desk and chair for his room, in an effort to ensure he also has a good learning environment and is comfortable while ‘distance learning’ continues.
I dropped a note to Kevin at the office today letting him know I am on track to return on Tuesday. It’s a bit stressful thinking about it, but I’m also excited to take the next step towards returning to ‘normalcy’. It’s been an interesting journey over the last several weeks. While I was feeling the depression hard, I couldn’t go beyond a few hours per day, just trying to get through the mornings and afternoons mostly. I was uncomfortable simply being and in a constant state of worry. Over the last week or so, since my state has returned to previous feelings, I’ve been able to relax and enjoy the slow pace and lifestyle of not being at work. I know that can’t last indefinitely, but it’s nice to have an example of downtime that I can point to where I felt ok simply being everyday, without feeling anxious.
Grateful for being able to feel happiness, in simply existing and with what I have around me. Grateful to be helping the kids improve their living situations and make them more comfortable while they are unable to return to school.
9/9/20: Had a solid eating day yesterday. Also got out for a run in the morning. I’ve been driving Q to his track practices and I decided to stick around and run while he did his thing. I managed 5k, running around the HS track. It was a hard run, in full sun and I was dehydrated. That said, I was proud of myself for pushing through the desire to stop early and make the full 12+ laps. I’ve got my birthday run coming up soon and need to make sure I am in shape enough to accomplish that. Grateful for the motivation from Quincy, following his lead.
Yesterday was Nana’s 99th birthday. Can’t believe it. She is such an amazing person. I literally cannot recall seeing her angry, stressed or negative. I called her and we chatted for a bit. She is still cogent even though she can’t hear well and sometimes repeats what we already talked about. I love her a great deal and am thankful she is still around with us and got to know the kids for so long. We are having a celebration on Saturday, to celebrate her.
Paid off the mortgage yesterday! After waiting over the long weekend for my IRA funds to clear the bank, they finally arrived. I got the payoff amount and made the transaction right away. Feels good, though I also notice how anti-climactic it was. I’ve been thinking about this day for so long, and expected to feel more delight than I did. Goes to show how wired we are for external gratification and how fleeting it truly is. Regardless, I’m proud of the accomplishment of paying the house off, even before my 50th birthday. It represents a lot of hard work and focus in saving, as opposed to borrowing or spending along the way. Along with the other recent financial cleanup we have done, we have managed to lower our monthly bills by at least $2,000, if not slightly more. I look forward to seeing if we can save that extra money and put it towards paying off some other debts and getting even lower on the monthly cash flow requirements.
Lots to be grateful for.
9/8/20: Succumbed to the ice cream last night, after writing about it yesterday. Today is a new day and I’m aiming to eat mindfully, just for today.
Continued with the life cleanup stuff yesterday. Started the day by emptying the entire shed and cleaning the heck out of it. I got rid of a huge pile of junk over in the PV dumpster. Then I bought some organization racks and hooks at Home Depot and came back to re-organize the whole thing. It looks great. Everything fits nicely and is accessible. Felt good and I’ve been getting lots of enjoyment from the process. Lisa also started going through some stuff in the crawl space. She got rid of some junk also, but uncovered a treasure trove of old stuff too. She found a pile of old concert shirts I saved from the bands I toured with. Really cool to see some of them and excited that some may actually fit me! I don’t have a ton of stuff from my time growing up, but I have saved a few boxes of music related things, which clearly mean a lot to me.
Planning to clean the cars today, something I always enjoy doing. Also aiming to take Q for his Tuesday run and join him, as I haven’t been in a good pattern of exercise lately. Fingers crossed and grateful to at least have a plan in place to try and follow.
Met with Jamie yesterday and reviewed her progress over the last 10 days or so. She is cool and I look forward to making actual progress with her, especially taking over the newsletter and social media duties. She is scheduled to meet with Rachel from Market Monkeys today as well. My hope is together they can really make some good progress on tools, processes and strategies to bump RS up a level by the end of this year.
9/7/20: Got myself motivated and did some much needed cleanup in the back yard. I got rid of an old trash pile, burned some cardboard boxes, weeded, blew the patio clean of debris, moved the area rugs around and trimmed the bushes. It was nice to spend a couple hours moving and enjoying the beautiful weather by myself. It was also nice to see how neat everything looked once I finished.
It was also a day of financial cleanup. I did some investigating on car insurance and found us a new policy that will save us over $200 per month! That’s no small chunk and we start with the new vendor this week. I also downgraded our Sirius subscription (-$10), I made some changes to our cable bill (-$25), cancelled my WOW membership (-$15) and found an overcharge on my credit card for the Waking Up app (-$15) — that’s $265 per month off our bills. I’m still waiting for my IRA distribution and once that comes in I plan to eliminate Lisa’s car payment (-$225) and of course our primary mortgage. That will cut our payment to taxes/insurance which I think will result in about $1,500 a month in savings. In total we should be down in excess of $2k per month in bills! The idea will be to take that money and put it into a savings vehicle for as long as we can to rebuild our reserves. We’ll also still have about $10k leftover from the IRA to use towards more bills or simply padding our cash accounts in case of emergency. Thankful for the energy to make these change and for the flexibility of having some places from which to draw for immediate financial improvements.
Eating was decent, but I continue to struggle with nighttime cravings. I’ve been eating lots of bread lately, which I think is contributing to my bodily cravings. I was able to hold myself off from doing ice cream after dinner, but just barely. Grateful for at least a few minutes of strength that kept me from doing something I didn’t need/want.
9/6/20: Continuing the pattern of feeling ‘like myself’. I can’t say enough how much difference the last week has made for me. Since connecting with Kevin and Dolph, I feel like a different person. I am targeting next Tuesday as my return to work day to begin with the new team. Guessing as it gets closer I’m going to experience some anxiety but am determined to breathe through it and become a productive, healthy, happy employee again.
Got a 10+ mile ride in yesterday. New wheel on the bike felt great and it was nice to be outside. The weather lately has been great. Fall is most definitely in the air, but the days are still sunny and the nights cool.
We went by Mike’s place in the late afternoon for a cookout. Saw the Wabreks, Jerry and Kevin which was really cool. I had a couple beers for the first time in a while and enjoyed myself, while managing to relax and avoid the food temptations.
9/5/20: I apologized to Bella yesterday for our argument the prior day. It felt good to reconnect with her and let her know how much I love and support her choices. I told her that I just wanted to make sure she was happy and doing ok. As her dad, and being me, I’m wired to want to help solve problems. I need to learn to be a better listener instead of an advice giver. That way she will know I’m there for her when needed, but not trying to tell her what to do with her life. Thankful to have such a great kid.
Lisa went on an overnight with her girlfriends. Q and I had a short walk to the school and we talked about the ‘Freakonomics’ book he is reading for school. It’s awesome seeing him actually read something as he is very averse to books. I took the kids for ice cream after dinner and then Q and I had a fire in the backyard for a while. It was really nice to be outside with such low humidity and no bugs!
I had a meeting with the women at Monkey Marketing, who have offered some support with RS and GBB. I’ve got Jamie officially on board and she has been working for nearly 2 weeks now. These guys are more expert in these areas and are going to provide some oversight for Jamie and I for the next 3 months. They had some great ideas and energy and I’m hopeful my investment will pay off this time. I didn’t sign any agreements and I certainly won’t be pre-paying anyone, after learning my lesson with the last vendor. I’m willing to commit a much smaller amount of money and take Q4 to see how things go. I’m grateful for another kick at the can, regarding getting RS to a better place with a foundation that can move forward in support of sustainable, incremental growth.
Eating was solid, though I did overeat a touch at dinner and scooped a bowl of dry cereal a few hours afterward. The night time is difficult to eliminate snacking. Grateful that I am able to give attention to my eating and health in general. Even if I’m not doing my best, which is often the case, the attention helps keep my ability to reconnect with it more likely.
9/4/20: Biggest thing to report is I made it through one day eating mindfully. I got weak a few times in the evening, but held fast and told myself ‘just make it through today’. Sounds crazy but small things like that add up. Will try again today.
Had something of a ‘fight’ yesterday with Bella. I had been talking with her the prior day about balancing her time towards school, instead of Subway. She’s been stressed and rightfully so. She is taking intense classes and spending tons of time online doing homework. She also has a busy social life and time with her boyfriend Alex. On top of that, she is doing 4 shifts a week at Subway, plus making the schedule, fielding calls from her boss and others trying to keep them all happy. I saw she was struggling with it all and tried to tell her to back off Subway for a month, until her class load lightens. Our first conversation seemed to go well and was calm. When I followed up yesterday it went downhill. She defended her schedule and told me she could handle it. I pressed her and we both got defensive quickly and she became emotional. I talked with Lisa about it later and she suggested I back off and let Bella take lead on handling it. I know it’s good advice and I will ease up. I worry about Bella not enjoying school and taking such responsibility for Subway. It’s a good trait in many ways, but I also want to ensure she is learning, focusing on what’s important and not being taken advantage of by her boss and the situation. She’s always been smart, so I suppose I need to lean on that and just be there for her when she needs me. Grateful to have such a great kid and wife to help me understand when I’m crossing a line.
I also executed the transaction described below to liquidate my old rollover IRA. I’ve got a nice chunk of money coming in today/tomorrow. I’m going to use the biggest chunk to pay off our primary mortgage. The rest will go towards paying off Lisa’s car and the remainder for either my car or perhaps our home equity line. Either way, it will eliminate close to $2000 from our monthly debt. While my income is stable, the goal will be to set an equal amount aside in some savings vehicle to rebuild our stash. We’ll need to start thinking about college funds for Q soon enough and of course I want to get ahead of it. Grateful for having financial flexibility and proud that we’ll be able to pay off our home in just 19 years.
Took care of some maintenance on my car as well as got my old bike back from the shop. Small tasks, but I’ve been getting through the days by setting a low bar for productivity and ensuring I meet it mindfully.
Lisa is doing an overnight this evening with her girlfriends. I’m glad for her to have some fun and get out of town, but a bit unsure about being alone. I’m hoping to make a plan for myself, so I can keep busy and work on something fun, perhaps music.
9/3/20: Continuing the trend of ‘good’ days. I drove down and spent time with Ed again yesterday. I wanted to see him and tell him about my role change opportunity in person. His friendship has been a real source of help during this stretch and I wanted to communicate some good news for a change. We had another great conversation and I’m hugely thankful for having him in my life.
I made a big financial decision yesterday and withdrew funds from my old IRA, from when I was at Digitas. I’m planning to use some of the funds to pay off our house and the rest to pay down other debt, though as of yet I’m not sure which items I will eliminate. While all this emotion has been swirling the last several weeks, a huge part of it is tied into money/work/supporting my family. I was incessantly ruminating about what transactions I could make to survive with limited income. Now that things have felt more stable, I’m feeling less radical about blowing things up, but find comfort in the idea of using some of my future/saved resources today. They say we are all saving for a rainy day and I’ve felt like it’s been pouring out. It’s difficult for me to take this kind of stance, but I believe in my gut it’s necessary for me to shift my mindset. We’ll be able to have a paid off mortgage by age 50, which is awesome. Our cash flow will improve and we should be able to save a nice chunk each month, for as long as our income sources remain in place. Thankful for our financial health and for my ability to alter my long time behavior of putting the future ahead of the present.
I sold my bike yesterday. I only bought it about a month ago, but it wound up being a bit too small for me. I paid $350 and sold it for $275, so I feel fine about it. I dropped off my old bike to get a new wheel, so now I’ll have money to cover the repairs, plus a few hundred to put towards another bike. I didn’t do enough homework, mainly because none of the bike shops have any inventory, due to corona. I realize the importance of being fitted and getting something I can ride for many years to come. Biking is another thing that has helped me through this difficult period and I want to keep the habit going, as I really enjoy it. I met a nice guy from my Craigslist ad. Turns out he’s a music guy and an editor at Vevo. We had a lot in common and I was glad to give someone a great deal on the bike and help each other out. Grateful for small interactions with other people that are positive experiences.
Mindfulness with food continues to be a bit of a struggle this last week. Since my appetite has returned and my stomach issues have started to clear up, I’ve been generally overeating, especially at night. I’m trying not to worry about it much, as the last several weeks have been so hard on me. I’m enjoying the comfort of food I suppose but don’t want to fall back into old habits of masking my emotions with food. We’ve had a lot of ‘treats’ in the house lately and lots of Portuguese foods like bread and cheese. Getting my weight under control these last couple months has been one source of positivity for me, so I want to retain that and keep making mindful choices in that realm.
9/2/20: Continued to ride the wave yesterday after finding out I’ve been approved for the new role. I told Lisa and Q and Bella (separately) and it was nice to see their reactions. Quincy of course was super excited as I think he knows just how much pain I’ve been in, even though only Lisa has seen the worst of things. It’s so nice to feel more like ‘myself’ and go through a whole day with ‘regular’ patterns of thought.
Had therapy session #5 yesterday. I like Deb but as mentioned below, she’s too much of just a listener. I carry most of the conversation. I think I understand that part of therapy is having the patient identify and resolve some things on their own, but I’m looking for someone who can give me insights I’m not able to see. I think I’d like to continue with some kind of therapy, even after I feel better, but probably will search for someone more of a personality fit.
I believe I have all the paperwork finally sorted out. I have to swing by Gagnon’s again to pick up the work note, but they called last night to confirm it was ready. I got a VM from the woman at Lincoln Financial and she confirmed having received the other items. That’s been an unexpected burden throughout this process. I definitely understand that filling out lots of paperwork is required for approvals, etc. but being in this state and having to navigate the system definitely makes things harder. It also reinforces the shame and negative stereotype associated with emptional illness.
Dropped a note to Aaron and Kevin and tentatively aiming at Septermber 14th as a return date, to start my new duties. I’ve got an appointment scheduled with Gagnon on the 13th and if all goes well, will ask for his signoff to get back in the saddle the following day.
My meditation practice continues to be a source of help and support. I’ve kicked up my sessions to 20 minutes per day and am defintely feeling the results. I’m grateful to have this tool at my disposal and to have spent enough years on the path to be able to pull strength from it when I needed it. I’m also grateful for my writing here. The tenor has certainly changed but having an outlet to describe my feelings a bit every day is another tool that is bringing me some relief.
9/1/20: September 1st. I took care of the errands I mentioned yesterday with regards to the disability paperwork. I drove to Gagnon’s office to drop off the form and ask about the work note. I also went to Staples so I could fax in the signed copies I owed to the state of R.I. Today, I meet with my therapist and will send her off a copy for her to submit. Doesn’t sound like much but these ‘little’ victories of having focus tasks during the day are helping. I’ve had such a long stint of non-work at the office, it’s been hard to remain positive and move things forward. Might sound weird but it creates a sort of negative momentum when you’re stagnant like that, and makes other tasks fall by way of procrastination, even though I have more time on my hands.
Literally just got a call from Kevin at the office. He told me that the ‘swapportunity’ to join his team in philanthropy has been approved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That means that once I am cleared to return to work, I can officially start working with his group. He oversees the corporate philanthropy team, which does events, volunteer projects and serves lots of local non-profits. In that realm is also the diversity and inclusion group as well as employee engagement. I am super interested in all those facets and it sounds like I will get exposure to split time amongst all those areas.
This is a game changer for me. Not only does it give me something meaningful to go back to, it changes my whole world view at Hasbro, exposes me to new people and gives me the chance to learn new skills from the inside. It’s been many years since I had a fresh start at work and even in my current state, or perhaps because of it, I’m feeling incredibly blessed to have this chance. It’s only guaranteed through the end of 2020 (4 months) but I’m going to do all I can to turn it into a permanent role.
I can’t recall when a group of people has gone out of their way for my well being like this. Aaron, Kevin, Sarah and Dolph have been a godsend. Literally. Without their empathy, support and most importantly proactive solutioning, I don’t know where I would be this very second. I certainly don’t think I would be typing with this level of gratitude and hope.
8/31/20: Continuing to feel better these last couple days. I know most of the relief is due to the conversation I had with Dolph and Kevin, and am eager to have more info and solid details about a possible return to work. Trying to be patient and let them sort it out and get back to me.
My appetite continues to roar back and I’m struggling a bit to keep control the last couple days. I know food is always tied in where my emotional state is concerned, so this is no different. I’m not getting carried away being worried about overeating. It’s been weeks since I felt like I could even eat food without getting a stomach ache, so I’m thankful to feel more ‘regular’ about food. Today is a new day and I’ll aim to be mindful in my consumption, just for today and rebuild one meal at a time.
I’ve got a lot of paperwork that arrived over the weekend in regard to my disability claim for these last few weeks of missing work. It’s scary and brings up a lot of turmoil dealing with that, but I know I have to take care of it. My goal is to get through all of that today so it doesn’t linger.
8/29/20: Yesterday was my best day in weeks. In addition to the conversation I referenced below, a few other things happened.
I finished my 2nd (30) day challenge towards my birthday goal. In the first cycle I dropped 13lbs. and in the second I dropped 8 more. I weighed in at 232, which feels good. My appetite is back these last couple days and though my stomach is still unsettled, it’s better than it has been. I’ve got about 3 weeks until my birthday and I’m hoping I can get a couple more lbs. down. It would be cool to be 229, but I’m more concerned with controlling my eating habits and being mindful about eating, as opposed to a specific weight number.
In the evening, we had band practice for the first time in about a month. It was much better than the last couple practices. We tried out 2 new songs and though they were far from perfect, it felt good to enter new territory. Paul also played a real drum kit outside which helped a lot, imo. Crissy and Chuck jammed on some guitar oriented tunes and I marveled at their chemistry, for having played together so little. They have very different approaches on the guitar, but enough overlap to really compliment each other. I’m humbled to be playing with such talented people, including Paul, Jim and Lisa.
I spent much of the day feeling ‘regular’, and not ruminating so much about the job, money, etc. I’m trying not to get too excited by the conversation I had with Dolph, but needless to say I’m extremely hopeful for that outcome. I sent him a thank you note today telling him how much his words and support meant. It’s one of the nicest things anyone has considered doing for me and I won’t forget it anytime soon.
8/28/20: Some sunshine in my head today for a change! First thing this morning I finally had my call with Kevin and Dolph. Kevin had suggested it 3+ weeks back, prior to my panic attacks, etc. so it’s been looming for a while. I tried going into it with an open and honest mind. It’s been hard for me not to put too much stock in the call because the outcome was so important to me, but I also didn’t want to get my hopes too high. Generally, corporate america moves slowly and there are lots of gears to turn for anything to occur.
Anyways, it started with a smile as Dolph brought up the fact that he talked the day before with none other than Ace Frehley, who performed as part of the eOne concert series for the company. For anyone who knows me, nothing could have made me feel more welcome more calm or more ‘me’ than talking about that subject.
After the pleasantries, I went through what’s been going on. My mental/physical health situation followed by the root causes at work that led me to this precipice. Dolph couldn’t have been more understanding or helpful. First off he offered to help me with resources related to mental health access. Being on the board of a few hospitals, he has access to lots of helpful folks and told me not to hesitate to reach out for that assistance. From there, he went on to offer the concept of a ‘swapportunity’, which is a Hasbro program that allows employees to be lent out to another department. I wanted nothing more than a chance to prove myself with a fresh start in a group that I know I can thrive within. I know Kevin pretty well and several others within the extended group. I love what they do and would be absolutely thrilled to be in position to work with folks that are helping others inside and outside the company. It’s by no means a done deal, but simply hearing him verbalize the offer was enough for me to get emotional. It felt like a literal lifeline being thrown my way by someone with the strength behind it to pull me in, so to speak. He said he would get back to me in a few days and let me know what’s up. Unbelievable hopeful and thankful for his empathy and willingness to listen and help me. Truly humbling.
I had previously made plans to have lunch with a couple of the old UP crew, Paul and Craig. They came down and we had lunch out on the patio. We have a great connection and even though we don’t see each other often, it’s so easy to bond and talk with those guys. I genuinely love them and feel so fortunate to have been part of Upromise. The culture persists many years after the company was gutted. Not sure what the factors are that went into that, but it was something special for sure. I was able to open up to them about my mental health and I know they understand everything from the work perspective. Simply having someone who understands goes a long way.
8/27/20: Today has been rough. Again. A few days ago, I thought perhaps I was turning a corner but the last couple days have been a backslide. Definitely notice a pattern of having more difficulty early, from morning to afternoon. Not sure why though maybe it’s an association with work hours. That’s how I had been feeling prior to my breakdown, so maybe it’s continued even though I’m not actually working?!
Today Bella gave me her savings to put towards her tuition bill. She is absolutely amazing and it was such a generous act on her part. I’m glad that she worked so hard for the money but even more so that she willingly put it towards the school, without reservation. I told her how much it meant to me, especially lately, given my emotional struggle around taking care of everyone and all our finances. I have so much to be thankful for, I just want to enjoy that feeling in my mind and body once again.
Struggling to enjoy or motivate myself with even small things, like practicing music or reading or working on RS stuff. All of those could use my attention and would be seemingly welcome distractions for my mind, keeping me in the moment. So why can’t I bring myself to pickup the bass or a book or work on my GBB deck or fundraising for the Fan Club? I guess that’s another of the great unknowns about depression. It creates a negative momentum in everything. I need to find a way to push myself even in small ways to get traction on these things.
This morning was one of those times I just felt like curling up on the couch and sleeping. It was cold for the first time in months and perhaps that had something to do with it. It’s been raining as well. I was feeling like I might need to take an Atavan, but held off again. I convinced Q to watch JoJo Rabbit with me, which was an awesome movie. Sad, but funny and inspirational at the same time. At the end of the film, a quote flashed up that was awesome. “Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” I’ve been trying to get through each day by reminding myself that everything is temporary, both good and bad and change is the nature of all things. It’s not easy when you are experiencing this kind of suffering but I feel like my learnings over the last several years will help me get through this, even if they didn’t save me from avoiding it. I guess that’s another lesson that I already knew but perhaps forgot. The point of mindfulness and gratitude isn’t so that bad things won’t happen to you, they inevitably will. It’s to remember that when they take place, you can regain control over the narrative and turn things around. Just need to figure out how to live that sentiment.
8/27/20: Second entry today. A big part of my anxiety is feeling like I’m faced with an untenable choice between two awful scenarios. One one hand, going back to work scares the living shit out of me, because it’s so closely associated with my feelings of uselessness and failure. I feel like going back will make me a ticking time bomb. I already had an explosion and know another, or worse, could be around the corner if something doesn’t change. On the second hand, I feel like if I don’t go back, I’m putting my family and everything I’ve worked for at risk. We have no other source of income or medical insurance. My kids and wife will see me as a failure and I’ll have put 20+ years of savings and planning in jeopardy because of my weakness. I’ll see myself as a failure.
My therapist told me to challenge these assumptions when they come and as mentioned below, Tara Brach talked about acknowledging that feelings can be real, but patently untrue at the same time. So here goes…
What will happen if I go back to work? Worst case scenario is I have another panic attack and return to Gagnon, etc. I’m already in that mode now. Yes, it sucks, but perhaps facing the fear of return will be helpful. It might be ok and I could possibly get through it, or find another outlet a the office that works. Or, I fall flat on my face again and can confirm that I need more help and probably a more radical life change. Either way, I’ve moved the ball slightly forward, right?
What will happen if I lose my job entirely? It will feel like complete shit and I’ll be even more desperate in the short term. I’d have to start looking for work. That could result in finding something more suitable. It could be a long, painful process but I’ve been without work a couple times and been able to find something else. Actually, each time it happened, I think I was better off or at least in an equal position. I know Lisa and the kids love me and will do whatever they can to stand by me. I’ll feel awful about letting them down, but I think I’m already at that point now. Perhaps the universe will send me the answer if I’m able to relax and listen? Lots of my reading talks about the search for a path obscuring the path you’re already on. Can I find contentment if I’m no longer able to be a financial provider for my family? Maybe not feeling like I have to will relieve some of my discomfort?
8/27/20: Continuing the trend of trying to connect with others and talk about what I’m going through. When I do, it feels like it’s helping but that sentiment doesn’t seem to last long. I met up with John M. for a walk at Field’s Park. He’s been laid off for several months and not having much luck as of yet finding work. He talked about some problems with his marriage and struggling with alcoholism. I was appreciative that he opened up to me. I also had a zoom with some old UP friends last night. One of them is also out of work, and empathized with the stress of being in corporate america, while getting older. I know I’m not alone in what’s happening to me and many others are suffering in all sorts of ways. Again, in some way that is a comfort, but like a lot of what’s happening to me, it doesn’t necessarily translate into relief.
I reached out to Kevin at work to inform him about my situation. We are scheduled to connect this morning and then later today, to meet with Dolph to introduce the idea of transitioning to a new role. I’m extremely hopeful the conversation is well received. I know it’s probably not smart to put so much hope into the meeting, but I’m so desperate for a lifeline here, I can’t help it.
I listened to an episode of the Tara Brach podcast a few days ago that hit me hard. It was almost as if she was speaking to me directly about what’s going on. It was about how the limbic system hijacks your brain and sets up these fear based grooves of thought. She recommended a 3 step approach where you affirm the thoughts are real, but challenge their truthfulness. Then try and bring yourself into the present moment by breathing, etc. Lastly, to bring forth new thoughts from a perspective of love and kindness. It makes so much sense and I’ve been trying to do some of it, catching myself in this pattern. She is an awesome teacher and I’m grateful for all I’ve learned from her words over the years.
I’m so fucking fragile right now. The slightest thing can set me in a negative spiral. Sometimes I can identify a reason, other times not. Yesterday for example, I had to login to my work email as I was trying to communicate with Kevin, as described above. When I did, I saw a new meeting slate from Christine, removing some of my standing meetings with her own, less frequent versions. I totally understand that she needs to move on, and I don’t even disagree that her team may benefit from a new approach. Still, it sent me into a tailspin emotionally. It reinforced how useless and marginalized I am in my role with that group. My heart literally sank and I’m still feeling awful this morning, after having been in a better place the prior 24 hours. Again, my intellectual assessment of things is so frigging warped right now and I’m in such a struggle to simply retain an even keel for more than short stints of time.
8/25/20: Visited Dr. Gagnon yesterday. Went ok. He recommended another script for me to help the rollercoaster mood swings. I’ve been torn about the whole med thing, but am not in a position to turn down anything that might help me feel better. I also spoke with Sarah from HR at my office. She was really helpful and supportive which made me feel somewhat better. I’m constantly struggling with trying to decompress and forget about work, while mentally going through gymnastics about how this all plays out. It’s making it extremely hard to separate the two activities, which I know is causing lots of my suffering. I also managed to get in touch with the woman at Lincoln Financial about the disability claim. I’m grateful to be checking off some of these boxes, but again, it’s adding to the stress and tension between my mental health and financial health.
Was scheduled to connect with folks at work today about a potential transfer, etc. Had to push that off as I have another appointment scheduled with the psychologist at the same time and cannot reschedule. It’s probably for the best though part of me was looking forward to getting over another small hurdle with regards to work.
I’m grateful for the support coming from folks at work (Aaron and Sarah and Kevin), even in the face of this complete mess I’ve gotten myself into. It gives me a glimmer of hope that things may be ok at some point, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
8/24/20: Again, what a difference a day makes. The last 36 hours have felt pretty good. I felt more engaged, if that makes any sense and less ruminating, more presence. Been making a point to stay in the moment and actually achieving it on occasion.
My stomach felt nearly normal and I had a big appetite. I actually overate both days and was snacking at night, not mindfully. Weird, that isn’t really the behavior I’m looking for, but it made me feel like “me”.
Spent a few hours with the Bento’s and had lunch. Always enjoy spending time with them. They are such great people and it helps ground me, to see folks who enjoy the simplicity of things, especially Mr. Bento. Heard some bad news about our cousin Jonathan, as he is struggling with cancer treatments. Such a young guy and a sweet human.
Today, I’ve got my follow up appointment with Gagnon. Something about that scares me. I want to know he supports me being out of work for a while, at least until things settle and I’m able to stabilize. I’ve felt like I have a ticking clock with something about to go off at the end of the countdown. I also logged into my work email so I could get in touch with Sarah from HR. I want to ask her some questions and also ask for her help in transitioning to a new role. Tomorrow is the meeting I had with Kevin and Dolph from before I went on leave. I feel like I’m pinning a lot of hopes on that outcome, which scares the living fuck out of me.
Guessing many/most people struggle with this, but I’m having a hard time just ‘being’. I cannot break the habit of feeling uncomfortable with idle time and no plan of work or income. It’s a routine that I’ve conditioned myself in for decades and I’m not adapting quickly to building a new routine for myself that’s healthier.
Had a phone call this morning from Deb Palmer, Tom Perry’s mom. She told me that Tom passed away on Friday. Sigh. I hadn’t been in touch with him much in the last several years, but he was a sweet soul. When we were kids, his mom took me into their house when I had no place to stay and I shared Tom’s room for a couple months. It’s one of the nicest things anyone ever did for me and I never forgot it. After hearing this news and the news about Jonathan, I know I’m in such a better place than these guys, with at least being physically healthy. I understand that, but as described before, am losing something in translation between intellectually knowing things and actually feeling them genuinely.
After a stint of feeling good, today I am back to hurting. Stomach is again upset and I’ve not eaten much all day.
8/22/20: I know I keep describing the rollercoaster nature of my depression, but yesterday was the ultimate example. In the morning I felt decent. I had a couple things on the calendar which can be a helpful distraction. I met with Jamie, the new Rawkstars intern. She is awesome and I’m quite hopeful that this becomes a long-term relationship. She outlined a 90 day plan for making progress against the goals we discussed and she seems energetic, smart and full of ideas.
I also talked with Alison and Prof, a couple old friends. I had been emailing with Alison about some music stuff and they both have been longtime RS supporters. Alison is also a Fan Club member so I suggested we zoom and I showed them the Guitars Behind Bars video. Outside of showing the trailer, we talked a lot and I opened up somewhat about my situation. They were both super supportive and it was nice to feel connected with them, as much as I can feel that emotion nowadays.
I had planned a few days ago to take my mom and GiGi out for lunch. I’ve been thinking recently about the fact that I haven’t been a very good son and wanted to make an effort to get better. I texted my mom last week just to say I appreciated her, then a few days ago, asked them to lunch. It started out well enough, but at some point during the lunch, I felt the heaviest wave of dread come over me. I was completely disconnected from everything and began thinking the darkest of thoughts. I felt like I might throw up, but held it together. I dropped them off and drove home with Q feeling the weight of the world crushing down on me. After we got back, I was considering taking another Atavan, as I did last week when things got bad. I didn’t take it, but laid down in bed and calmed myself and took a nap. That helped.
Later in the afternoon, I got up and for the next few hours I felt much better. I’d even go so far as to say for a stretch I nearly felt ‘normal’. Lisa, Q and I talked and I think that really helped. We had a nice dinner of simple leftovers, but continued talking. Then we watched a comedy movie together and it was the best couple hours I’ve had in some time.
I cannot explain why or how there is such a wild swing of emotion, but it’s a rough way to experience every day. I’ve had empathy for folks with depression and mental illness, after my brush with this 10 years ago. With that much time having passed it’s hard to say whether this is worse or the same, but either way, they are without question the two worst periods of my life. It gives me some hope thinking about the fact that I was in a similar place before and was able to climb out of it, for a long stretch of time. I pray that I can do the same once again.
Another interesting fact about depression, or at least my flavor of it, are the feelings it conjures about my family. I think when people thing about depression, they assume you don’t care about anyone or anything. While it’s true that I feel a disconnection from being able to enjoy simple pleasures, I feel like my actual feelings of love for my family are stronger than ever. It’s part of the nefarious nature of what’s happening to me. I want desperately to simply be with them and bask in the feelings of love. I couldn’t be prouder of the people each of them are. Lisa is an absolute rock for me. I am constantly apologizing for what I’m heaping on her and for being a burden that’s limiting her ability to enjoy life every day, but she’s able to hang in there with me despite all that. Bella is my pride and joy. She has been working so hard, saving money, and seems to be off to an excellent start at school this week. She’s got a great boyfriend who seems to make her happy and amazing friends around her. Quincy is the light of my life. He is also pushing himself with running and continuing to make music. He is the person in the world I can talk to most, even though I’m doing my best to shield him from what is happening to me right now. He brings me such pure emotions of love and pride.
I’m grateful for the 3 most important people in my life (and Ajax 🙂 – if nothing else right now, I can hang my hat on the fact that Lisa and I raised 2 fantastic kids, who both love each other and us.
8/21/20: Wanted to document the physical effects continue to persist through this period. I’ve talked plenty about the stomach issues, but last night and into this morning I also experienced some very shallow breathing. I had felt it before when the anxiety really ramped up, or when I felt an attack brewing. This was different because I was actually feeling pretty calm at the time. It came on suddenly, when we went to bed. I really noticed it as my breathing is generally quite deep and even. I eventually fell asleep but felt it again upon waking up. I feel somewhat better now, after meditating and trying to slow it down, but it’s definitely a thing.
This may be a stretch but I also feel like I’m having a sensitivity to loud noises. It feels acute when I hear something sudden or coarse. Not sure if it’s related or just something I’m hyper sensitive to as I get older, but wanted to mention it here.
Lastly, I’m grateful for the progress the kids made this week. Bella started her classes Monday and has been really focused. Spending lots of time online, with the books and taking the review classes at night. I can tell she is locked in to start and it’s great to see. Also, Q has ramped up his running routine. He started meeting some of the older kids in the morning and also going with his friend Pat in between. He is definitely serious about it and I can see him pushing himself to get better. So thankful that both of them are off to a good start as school season kicks off.
8/21/20: Yesterday was another day where it started rough and improved later. I woke with a stomach ache, as has been the pattern. Sleep has been decent but not great. I am doing ok with actually falling to sleep, but struggle once I wake to use the bathroom, as my mind begins to instantly race.
I went and met up with Aaron. It’s been weird not discussing with him and I know that if things are going to change at the office, I need to start communicating what’s going on. He’s a friend, even before being a boss so I wasn’t nervous. First thing he said was how skinny I looked. It felt good to let out the details to him, as it basically does anytime I talk about it openly. He definitely empathized and I wasn’t shocked to hear that he has plenty of experience with depression and some of the other symptoms I’m struggling with. I’m going to reach out to Sarah in HR next and I have time on the calendar with Kevin and Dolph already for next week, from before I went on leave. Not sure how all this will turn out but I need to look to Hasbro for help, if things are going to change there. I know I can bring a ton of energy and good work to the philanthropy group, I just hope they can see how much I’m suffering and make an accommodation to at least give me a shot.
I’m getting emails/calls in regards to the disability claim. Of course all that stuff brings on difficult feelings and ramps up the anxiety levels. I realize it’s necessary and am keeping up with the requirements on my side. It just sucks to pile on top of the negative feelings when you’re going through something like this.
I hiked Blue Hills with Q. Always helps me spending time with him. He’s such a great kid and I love him with all my heart. He knows that I’m going through a tough time and has definitely been extra attentive to me, which is sweet. I also weighed myself on a whim and am down to 231. That’s -22lbs over 7.5 weeks. Silver lining?
Jamie asked me over for a beer after work, which made me feel good. I’ve been doing my best to reach out to people in small ways and it was nice to be invited. I’m not really into drinking these days, but I had one beer and met some of his friends. It was an interesting group. There was a fair amount of political/racist commentary, which I didn’t really dig. It was mostly from his friends, but it didn’t make me feel like hanging out so I didn’t stay super long. Still, I was grateful for some time out of the house and the chance to connect with some folks in person.
Grateful to have made it through one more day and to have some support from my friends and family.
8/19/20: Uneven, again. Today as well, though perhaps a few more glimmers. Met up with Chuck for coffee and talked a bit. Opening up to people helps. I’m on a search for contentment and doing any small activity I can to try and find some relief. I had a call yesterday with a young woman from Drexel, about the internship posting. She seems great though is leaving me with a quandry since I’ve already semi-committed to Kaleani. I think at the end of the day I’ll need to let her off the hook, since Jamie seems more qualified. After the experience I had with OMG, I need to be careful about spending Rawkstars money and use it to the best ends possible. It felt good to talk with someone about business and be able to feel an hour of near normalcy. I’m still ‘glazed’ even when talking with someone, but it was closer to a regular conversation than I’ve had lately.
Got some nice walking in with Lisa in the early morning and again in the afternoon. I think I need to get a morning routine going so I have formal goals to occupy the early part of the day.
I’m experiencing a disconnect between the intellectual arguments I know to be true and how I’m actually feeling. When I hear someone give me advice, or even when I’m explaining how I feel, I intellectually understand the argument, but that isn’t translating into how I actually feel. It’s like there is a broken circuit between the messages and the recipient.
Continuing to have low level stomach cramp/uncomfortability. I am going to the bathroom in small bits, a couple times per day. I often feel like I need to have a movement, but am empty.
8/18/20: I’m skipping ahead and writing a second entry for today so I don’t forget things. Just had another session with my therapist. I explained to her the super negative feelings described below from Sunday. She challenged me on some of them and is asking me to consider whether they are viable, or if I’m exaggerating them. I think she is correct, but I also cannot simply stop feeling them. She was pretty reassuring about the prospects of continuing to earn my salary and getting approved for this disability thing. I guess I won’t be able to decompress from it until I see that it’s true. If I can get that far, it might at least give me some relief to breathe and feel like I can focus more on myself without fear of financial ruin for the family.
We also talked about Lisa. I told her about the work situation here and my previous discussions around the potential of her getting full time employment. I know she got put in a bad spot with Patriot once Covid hit. She had been somewhat hopeful to turn the position into more of a full time gig, once Dave K. retired. That got pulled out from under her and I know it must have felt awful. She’s never been lazy and I think would be willing to pickup hours. She is so under-confident about her ability to get an actual full-time office gig with benefits. I know she could most certainly get something like that and I also know it would make me feel some relief, especially knowing the insurance was covered and we had reliable income coming in. We can definitely figure out ways to live on a budget and cut our bills. I also know I can generate income at some point again soon and having the ability to seek out something more fulfilling with lower salary would be most welcome too. Not sure how we can talk this through but I don’t want to have to convince Lisa of this. That will only make me feel worse.
Stomach issues continue to persist. I have a low level upset stomach throughout the day. Every day. I’m going the bathroom and having small bowel movements, often multiple times per day. Even when I’m not going to the bathroom, I feel something in my belly like a pit. It’s dulled my appetite tremendously and I’m going odd stretches of time between eating where I used to be like clockwork.
8/18/20: Yesterday = Worst day so far. Not sure if it had anything to do with feeling better the day prior or if it’s truly a random phenomena. I literally woke with a feeling of dread that never really dissipated. I tried going for a long walk with Lisa, which was awesome, but didn’t really change my POV. We did 4.5 miles, so I’m thankful that I’ve been at least able to keep up momentum on my activity level, even if it doesn’t seem to be effective in alleviating my suffering. I suppose it might be far worse if I weren’t doing this?!
I had such a strong feeling of anxiety and doom, that I succumbed and took an Atavan. I was feeling super desperate and thank god, it helped. It basically knocked me out. I have been feeling groggy anyways, so I went downstairs in got into bed, turned out the lights and was able to calm down. The pill put me to sleep for maybe 90 minutes. After I got up, I felt somewhat better. I carried the ruminating thoughts with me, but they were duller than they had been the first half of the day.
Later in the evening, Alex came by. He and Bella have been seeing each other and we’ve met him several times, but this was the first time we connected since they started a relationship. It felt good to have everyone around and we played some games and caught parts of the Bruins. For some reason, evenings seem to generally be better for me than morning/daytime. Not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve survived another day, but I definitely feel some kind of relief later in the afternoons.
I started the process of filling out paperwork with Hasbro/HR/etc. I got in touch with them after submitting my doctor’s note for 2 weeks off. I think the process is I have to apply for disability through the state of RI. I think my work has an insurance policy that basically pays me the difference between disability and what my salary would otherwise be. It’s confusing and certainly adding to my stress level. A huge part of what is happening to me is that I cannot balance the financial side of taking care of myself and my family, with juggling my position at work. I feel like I’m being forced to choose between two horrific outcomes. One of which is I ‘suck it up’ and try to go back to work. I know that will not end well and I already feel like a ticking time bomb. I literally feel like my sanity is slipping away from me at times. The other choice is to cut the cord with Hasbro and leave my family facing immediate financial ruin. We have options and reserves but going down those paths would require a lot of energy which I don’t have. I think they would also make me feel even worse, because all I sacrificed for over the years would be put to use simply because I’m mentally broken now.
8/17/20: Talk about swings. Yesterday, I felt pretty darn good. For much of the day I was able to focus on the present. We went grocery shopping. I had the best appetite I’ve probably had in 2-3 weeks. Had a particularly good meditation in the morning. I got this blog page working, as I had been keeping these notes outside WordPress for weeks. I received a resume from a prospective intern for RS that seems really promising. I watched some TV and actually enjoyed it. I read and finished Siddhartha, which wrapped up with a chapter that really hit me hard about ‘stop seeking the path’, as it obscures what is right in front of you. I spent time with Q and listened to some of his new music. I really felt like things were going to be ok, then I woke up today feeling terrible. For absolutely no reason. Swirling, ruminating, worried about all the same shit. Job, money, pressure, end game, etc. My stomach was immediately in knots so badly that I had a bowel movement at like 6:30am. Welcome to the wonderful world of depression!
This is what it’s been like. I’m thankful for the good stretches, where I can feel calm and content with things. I will continue to fight through it as best as I can. One day (or hour!) at a time.
8/16/20: I continue to feel the swing of emotions throughout the day. At times, I feel ‘normalish’, meaning I’m thinking about standard stuff and feeling engaged and connected with what’s going on. Other times, I feel blank and disconnected. Often I am swirling about job/money/depression. I’m scared shit about the kids seeing me struggle and have a sinking feeling my behaviors will pass on to them somehow in future years. Tough way to go through a day, but I’m thankful for the periods of normalcy.
In the morning, I went running with Lisa. First time we’ve run together in a while. We ran the 5k post office loop, which is also the longest I have run, probably since last year’s fun run. It felt good to push myself and I had a solid run all around. Grateful that even while my mind is not healthy, my body is improving. It gives me hope that I can get both in harmony at some point.
Watched the Bruins game, which was the first sporting event I’ve watched start/finish since the pandemic began. Again, it was good to have a period of some normalcy and I tried to enjoy the game. I mostly did but also noticed how numb I’ve become to things that generally would feel really pleasurable.
It was cool out yesterday for the first time in months. Wound up going down to Plymouth with Lisa and Q, and we just walked around a bit. It was nice to get outta the house for sure and I can’t get enough time together with those guys, so that was a plus.
Again, grateful to survive another day in this cloudy state.
8/15/20: Continuing the slow swing of the pendulum. I’m having emotional minutes/hours of clarity and relative normalcy, coupled with swirls of inner dialog. I continue to struggle to stop thinking about the future or how to ‘get myself out of this mess’ or ‘what the end game is?’. I’m trying to simply be, feel and recognize small things in the moment and build an ability to do that more regularly.
Hung out with Ed again yesterday and again, it made me feel better. We talked about finances of course, and I have a strategy to lower my monthly bills by a few grand by using an old IRA from my prior job. I think it’s a good idea and should give me more options when it comes to the concept of work, moving forward. Not a cure all, but I guess that’s the point. No one thing is going to solve my issues but perhaps making several smaller changes will be the key, like it was for weight loss and many of life’s problems.
We hung out at Mike’s last night with Dave, Doug and the wives. As usual it was some good laughs and music talk. There was a heavy focus on food/drinking (of course) but I fared pretty well. I enjoyed the food but didn’t overdo it. I had 2 drinks. It felt good to be there and I tried a few times to be vocal and insert myself in conversations. I often feel subdued in these situations more recently, after most of my life being an attention hog. Bella and Q came by and ate with us then hung out for a couple hours. They continue to be a source of awesomeness for me and I’m super grateful for every minute with both of them.
I’ve been taking the meds for 3 days now. I’ve had a mild feeling of ‘buzz’ a few times. My stomach continues to be semi-upset and I’ve had a low level of nausea in stretches. The stomach stuff has been going on for weeks, so that’s not attributed to the meds I don’t think. I’m not sure about this but I also may be feeling negative impact in the erection department. I haven’t formally tried to stimulate myself, but I have a sensation that might be a thing. Hoping not as I want to try and get closer with Lisa physically, and enjoy that bond together.
Overall, grateful to have made it through another day.
8/13/20: Stretches of good emotions yesterday. Got to the gym again and rode the elliptical for a bit. It’s one of my favorite workouts, especially for being inside the gym. There’s no thinking needed and I can pump super fast in stretches to really get my heart rate up, without causing my body much discomfort.
Watched the Bruins first playoff game, which was on in the afternoon. Since they are playing in this covid-bubble, the game was bumped to Wednesday afternoon as the prior game went 5 OT’s and they are all sharing a building. Bergeron scored the game winner in 2 OT. Sports, like everything else, are weird nowadays though I must admit I had some feelings of normalcy tuning in and seeing them win.
Decided to weigh myself yesterday, even though I was planning to wait to the end of my second 30-day cycle. I’ve been eating so little lately, I guess I felt I needed to see what the numbers showed. 233. At my lowest point in the last 10+ years, I was 230, maybe even 229 for a few days. I’m basically at that level again. I must admit it feels good, especially given the point I was at just a few months ago, feeling awful about how I looked and how my clothes fit, etc. Some of the weight loss, especially the last couple weeks, can be attributed to my lack of appetite from the depression, but I’m feeling pretty in tune with my body throughout. Paying attention to my hunger instead of just eating because ‘it’s time’ or because I just like to.
I also took the leap about trying out the meds I’ve been prescribed. It goes against what I traditionally think I’m supposed to do, but getting to such a point of desperation, I don’t think it’s a good idea to discount it without even experiencing what it feels like. It’s supposed to take 4-5 weeks before it builds up levels in the brain, so I’m going to see how things go. Trying to make changes in my life and established patterns of thinking isn’t easy.
Continuing to have open talks with Lisa and enjoying the feeling of being together, even though I’m causing her a lot of angst. She continues to reassure me and that’s something I really need a lot of these days.
Grateful to have gotten through another day intact and with some stretches of feeling positive.
8/12/20: Another mixed bag yesterday. Got myself to the gym early in the day and did a bit of lifting. Been some time since I’ve tried that and it felt decent. I also stretched some, which is always good. Want to have more of a plan going forward, since I tend to amble through the gym and don’t really know what I’m doing. Got a short walk in later with Lisa. The walk wasn’t great but we talked quite a bit. Talking is for sure helpful for me, to get things out and help frame up my thoughts. That said, I know it can be a burden for others, especially Lisa. She expressed some stress and lack of understanding about my position, which of course I tried to explain and defend. I need to do a better job of simply listening and letting her feel the way she feels without necessarily trying to change it. That aside, we’ve definitely been talking lots more than the last few months and it feels good and will strengthen our relationship long term.
Took a ride into Boston to buy a bike from a guy off Craigslist. It was only $350 and I wound up buying it. I adjusted it a bit last night and it seems like a definite upgrade over my old one. Looking forward to taking it on a spin down the path, maybe tomorrow.
Had an initial appointment with a therapist yesterday and it was ok. I’m not sure how I feel about the woman I’m seeing but it was the only appointment I could get, so I’m grateful that she had an opening for me. I decided today that I am going to fill the prescriptions I got from Gagnon. I’ve been struggling with the decision as I don’t want to be taking meds and never have been drawn to that. That said, I’m clearly in a less than ideal situation and I feel like I need to at least attempt to use it before casting it aside. I can always stop if it makes me feel worse, right?
Grateful for getting through one more day intact.
8/11/20: First half of the day was rough, things got better in the evening. I spent the morning/afternoon trying to navigate ‘the system’ of getting some appointments for myself. It took lots of calls and patience, but I eventually visited my primary care, Doctor Gagnon. He’s an older guy, but I generally like the simplicity of his setup. I was extremely open with him and communicated all the issues and feelings that I’ve been struggling with. He listened well and we discussed the medication route. Several years back I had a somewhat similar use case where I experienced depression and some panic attacks. He had prescribed me some meds at that point, but I never really took them. I’m not a ‘pill guy’ and only take an occasional advil for muscle and joint pain. After trying those pills 5 or 6 times I stopped taking them before they even had a chance to take effect, because I hated how I felt. I did counseling for a couple months which I enjoyed and did find helpful. I also learned about meditation, and other tactics to help improve my health and well being and eventually I felt much better. He described the fact that depression often occurs like this and it’s akin to diabetes or other conditions, in that you can effectively manage it with ‘diet and exercise’ but sometimes those things fail and it rears its head. I can see in hindsight that’s what happened here. Over the last several months many things have conspired to get me to this precipice and now I must begin to address them.
I was really swirling during the morning/afternoon thinking about finance, disability checks and other negative thoughts, despite the fact that the day prior I had conversed with Ed and Lisa and convinced myself even if I lost my job we’d be ok. That is going to be super hard to break through because I am not wired to do anything with money but save, accumulate and plan with it. The though of burning through it is hard for me, but something I need to let go of in order to prioritize my health. It seems so simple on the surface and typing it even makes me feel a bit foolish, but old habits die hard as they say.
After meeting with Gagnon, things got a bit better. After I came home, Lisa and the kids returned. She and Q had to get a covid test, since they traveled to Denver last week. After waiting in a long, hot line, Quincy had sat in the car with the A/C running and killed the battery. I drove Lisa over to the car and called roadside assistance. We had to wait for about 2 hours, which gave us plenty of time to talk. Of course, I was unburdening, as I have been doing lately and it felt most good. Again, constant feelings of being apologetic come out, because I know I’m saying many of the same things and putting a lot on Lisa. That said, talking about it helps me. I think looking back, it’s yet another piece of the puzzle here. I don’t have many people to talk with and my circle of friends is as small as it’s ever felt. I know a ton of people and have always been ‘popular’. That said, in recent years, I’ve felt very alone and don’t do a lot of opening up with people in ways that are helpful. I’ve become more closed off and introverted as I’ve gotten older and don’t feel I know many people who I open up with. Duly noted and another thing on my list going forward to consider and address.
Anyways, we spent a long time sitting and talking and again, I reminded myself we have reserves and could get by for long stretches (perhaps even indefinitely?) without direct employment income. I also know that I will find another job at some point and that taking an extended break doesn’t mean forever. I have plenty of skills, a marketable personality, a strong network and have always been able to navigate difficult situations in the job market. This kid eventually showed up to charge our battery and as we waited, I asked him a bunch of questions about how his job worked. It’s basically this service called ‘Auto-Rescue’ that sounds Uber’ish. He basically gets an 8 hour shift and waits. Using an app, if there is a service call in his general area, he gets buzzed and rides over with his kit to charge batteries, fill gas tanks, change tires, etc. Kid knew zero about cars. He described how sometimes he gets a ton of calls and other times very few. He gets paid per shift and if it’s super busy gets a small bump. He’s certainly not getting rich but it seemed like a great job for a young kid, with a car. I could even envision myself doing something ‘menial’ like that, which basically just involves driving locally, helping people in need and being friendly. After so many years in a cubicle, working on the corporate treadmill, it’s kind of appealing. Stuff like that at least makes me realize there are things I could do that would be easy to pickup and at least keep me in grocery money, burning less of my cash on hand.
The kid enjoyed all the interest I had in his job and smiled as I asked him more and more questions. He gave me an elbow bump after the car started and I think we made each other feel good. Grateful for the simple reminders about the pleasure I derive from others and that working on a computer, isolated, meaningless and making a ton of money does not equal happiness.
8/10/20: At least my situation is giving me some juicy writing here. Had another rough day with continual swings of emotion. I went down and visited Ed. He’s someone I look to for advice, especially on the financial/business side. He’s a good listener and someone I trust with private details, plus he knows my finances better than anyone besides me. It felt good to unburden more and he gave me advice about calling into work, which I did, and getting into see my primary care doctor, which I also did. The process is awful and there’s the usual circular calls, emails, web searches and general lack of humanity in the whole thing, but I was able to make those connections at minimum.
I spent some time ruminating on the concept of being unemployed and it began a swirl for me, which was not good. I know that my current job situation was a tipping point for me and although not the only thing in my life I want to address, it’s a big part of what I need to fix. It’s made difficult by the fact that we don’t have any other income as a family to speak of. That feeling and pressure has contributed greatly to my inability to make a job change, again, tying things into my professional life. Ed pointed out to me that we have done a tremendous job saving and building assets. Even if we go into a scenario where we have no employment income, we have reserves to pull from that could sustain us for quite some time. Of course depleting those things I’ve worked so hard to build is tough for me to swallow, but using money to directly help my happiness and health is something I also need to learn is a good thing.
There are so many nefarious aspects to depression it’s hard to know where to begin. One thing that’s been awful is the constant burden I feel like I’m putting on others, especially Lisa. She has to deal with my madness and constant need to over-communicate, plus stay strong for herself and everyone else. It makes me feel weak as a husband and partner, which of course feeds into feeling bad about everything.
I’m grateful for Ed’s friendship. I’m grateful for Lisa and the kids being supportive. I’m grateful for my doctor’s advice and the support system around me, even if it’s far from perfect. I’m grateful that I know my survival is secured by the financial planning I’ve done in the past.
8/9/20: Difficulties continue. On Friday night I hung out with Kevin and Sean Lynch. It was nice to see them after several months. Sean has a great new house and we just hung out and chatted for a couple hours. I had one drink but basically refrained from booze, which was nice. I was headed to the airport in the wee hours to pickup Lisa and Q, but even while I was with those guys, I had a distracted and distant kind of feeling in me. I was grateful to see some friends and for a distraction.
I didn’t sleep well, but got up at 4am and drove to Boston. Seeing Q and Lisa made me cry. Been feeling that way a lot lately. Crying I mean. They were happy to have landed and to be home of course, as usually is the feeling after time away. I held them long and tight. After we got home, we all basically crashed on the couches for a fitful couple of hours sleep. I woke groggy, but psyched to have everyone back. The afternoon was good, but the feelings of depression remained under the surface. At some point in the evening, it came over me like a tidal wave and I told Lisa I had to leave the house and get some air. It felt like an anxiety attack or something. I didn’t pass out, but was breathing heavy and spiraling mentally to a dark place. The symptoms are more powerful than anything else I’ve experienced. There’s the ruminating thought patterns on stuff you’ve muddled thousands of times before. There’s a feeling of absolute helplessness and a clear understanding there’s no possible way to live with this. There’s an emptiness, that no matter what you’re doing or what’s happening, you don’t feel engaged. I cried. A bunch of times. You hate telling your spouse because you know it’s going to burden and hurt them tremendously, but you can’t not tell them, because you’re literally exploding. You feel stupid, because you should be strong enough to control your own mind and feelings. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy as they say. Complete and utter desperation and blackness. I’ve also been struggling with stomach issues all week. I have a constant low-level feeling of unrest down there. I’ve definitely limited my food intake and also don’t feel the typical enjoyment when eating. I had started watching what I was eating before all this and am thinking there may be a connection between losing that comfort and masking element I had in food and all these emotions taking over me.
Lisa sat with me and told me to cry and let it out. I went downstairs because I didn’t want Quincy to see me that way. The embarrassment is also strong with depression. She made me some tea and I told her all this. Getting it out helped a bit and I eventually calmed myself. We watched some TV (The Sopranos, by coincidence, and for a short while I felt kinda normal. Today, I’m not having the same attack, but I can still feel the darkness just below the surface inside me. That’s how it rolls. I’m scared for what this week will hold, but also want to deal with this head on. I think finding help in the form of someone professional to talk to is the first step. I have done that in the past when this occurred and it was helpful. Looking back I suppose I’ve carried some mild symptoms with me all these years, and perhaps this is just a moment when a lot is coming to the surface?
In closing, I’m grateful for Lisa. She was there for me and boy did I need it. I’m thankful for Quincy, who makes me feel better than anyone in the world with his unbridled love. I’m grateful for Bella, who is kicking ass and making her own life right before our eyes. I’m grateful for my relative health, despite my current mental state. I ran yesterday and continue to be active even through this mess of a week. I’m thankful I have options, on the financial side. I have no fucking idea where this is all going to wind up as far as work goes, but I know even if the worst happens and I lose/quit my job, we can survive. I love my family more than ever and I think that’s another offshoot of this.
8/7/20: Week continues to be a wild swing of emotions. I had a meeting yesterday with a few folks from the philanthropy team at work. We talked about the RS and GBB projects of course and they were super supportive and kind. At the end of the call, I stayed on with Kevin, who runs the team, and told him about my situation. I told him I wanted to join his team and made plans to connect with his boss, Dolph, when he gets back from vacation in a couple weeks. I don’t know how much chance it has of happening, but I needed to put it out there. It offers at least some hope that I can make a change within the Hasbro eco-system that would be meaningful to me.
It’s hard to describe fully what I’m feeling. I’m definitely putting a lot of the focus on work, but I’m thinking it’s something deeper. I’m also wondering if my weight loss is playing a part in how I feel. I’ve really changed my eating habits over the last 40 days and physically am looking/feeling much better. Still, it’s hard to think that I could lose such a strong stress-relief behavior such as overeating and not suffer some emotional effects. I absolutely want to continue dropping pounds and fat and exercising as I have been. I need to figure out a way to improve on my emotional health without resorting to food as comfort.
B and I went and got wings last night. We talked a lot during the day, about her job and also a little about mine. I opened up to her somewhat, which hurt. As a dad, you don’t want the family looking at you through a lens of emotional/depressive feelings. The kids have always seen and known me to be a positive, strong, responsible, leader type and it doesn’t feel good to be otherwise. I’m so proud of Bella, and she is already a mini-me, in terms of being a problem solver. She has been struggling with the schedules at Subway now that many kids are headed back to school. She understands the concepts well and took steps to discuss with her boss proactively. Definitely grateful that we raised such an awesome person.
8/6/20: The focus of this activity is to highlight gratitude. There are many days when I’m not feeling it and I mask over that fact by looking for something to write. I’m definitely able to point to many things everyday that I am indeed grateful for, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel like shit sometimes. This is one of those times. I’ve been struggling massively with work. My role at the office has degenerated terribly. It was slow at first but has picked up momentum as of late and it has me feeling desperate. I’m also plain old tired. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of feeling the weight and responsibility to ‘just keep going’. I’ve been doing that for too long and I’m at a breaking point. I feel like crying and my stomach is in knots. I’ve been here before and know it can/will get better. Something needs to change to effect that and I’m caring less about what that tipping point might be. That’s how feelings of depression work.
There are things I do feel grateful about. I’ve been losing weight and exercising and I love my family more than ever and they are healthy.
I spent time with my brother in law Rob last night. I reached out to him to talk and he came by. We ate dinner and had a couple beers. He totally gets my POV and has many of the same feelings when it comes to life. I’m really thankful he took the time to hang out and for his friendship.
8/4/20: Had a father/daughter night with Bella last night. She was out of work early, so we planned ahead the idea of grabbing dinner. We took a ride to The Pleasant Cafe, in Roslindale. It’s a pizza place, but makes awesome pie and we go for special occasions a couple times per year. It was nice to have a drive together in the car and some time to talk. We got home and I suggested we eat the pie while watching TV on the couch. It was of course delicious and it felt good to treat myself a bit. We watched low brow TV and enjoyed the time together. Grateful for the time with Bella but also for eating mindfully. We only got one pizza and I felt satisfied afterward, as opposed to wanting to swallow more than I needed.
8/3/20: Got through the weekend, mostly alone. I’ve been doing a good job of keeping moving and using that to occupy my time. Did my weekly run on Sunday. Time was a bit slower, but in the usual ballpark. Main point is that I got my ass outside and did it, which is an accomplishment by itself. I also hiked yesterday, for some extra bonus movement. The alone time is valuable and definitely giving me renewed perspective on having everyone around and taking that for granted a bit. Talked with Q and Lisa in the evening which was nice. They mentioned a ton of eating, which I’m glad I’m not dealing with on this end.
I hung up some pics in Q’s room and fixed a small light socket in our bathroom. Nothing extravagant, but again, taking time to do small things and stay busy has been nice.
Got payment #2 back from OMG over the weekend. Rawkstars bank balance is back to a nice level, and I couldn’t be more thankful for Crissy in getting that crap resolved. When I think back on how heavily that weighed on me and the emotions it stirred, I am so glad to be in a better spot now. The slow climb on the Fan Club work has been ok. Not a big leap lately but a few stragglers coming in. I’m up to 81 and thankful for everyone who has put faith in us to make that worthwhile.
8/1/20: Lisa and Q have been gone for 2 days on their Denver trip. I’ve missed them terribly and being alone has been hard. I’m making the most of it and got out both days for exercise. Thursday I walked at the park by myself and yesterday I did the East Bay 16 mile ride. I met Jim P afterward for coffee and always enjoy connecting with him, especially these days where I don’t see many people. I’m grateful for the perspective of being alone and realizing in little ways how much I miss everyone.
I bought myself some bike accessories including a new helmet, gloves and pouch to carry my stuff. I’m probably going to upgrade the bike at some point, but so far holding off until I figure out what I want. I continue to feel better and my clothes are fitting and looking so much better.
With not much to do, I’ve watched a couple movies. Pawnbroker and Motherless Brooklyn. I was digging the first one but fell asleep. MB was decent and held my attention but I wouldn’t call it a great film. That said, I’m thankful to have such access to incredible content on demand and to live in what is most certainly the golden age of TV.
7/30/20: Completed my first 30 day challenge towards my 50th bday health run. It went really well and I am pretty proud of myself. I logged exercise on 26 of the 30 days, which is awesome. I’ve been tracking much of it via RunKeeper and my mileage/days/calories are all way up from the prior month, when I was already doing a decent amount. I had a few nights when I overindulged, but was able to get back on the horse the next day. That’s probably the thing I’m most proud of, as it becomes easy for me to backslide when I have a bad experience. I decided to weigh myself, and lost 13lbs, which is an excellent rate. I’m at 240 which is about where my body has maintained for much of the last decade. I started the next 30 day slate and got in a nice walk to start things off. I’m definitely grateful for the status of my physical health. Mental still needs more work and I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m trying to look longer term and starting to picture in my mind getting down to 220 eventually. I’d love to be halfway there by my 50th bday, putting me at 230. That would be my lowest weight in many years.
7/29/20: Yesterday was a better day at work. I got some feedback from my boss that helped. I also stayed fairly busy throughout the day which definitely was nice. I had a few folks reach out to me with kind words at a time when I needed it and I am super grateful for that.
7/28/20: Whirlwind. On Monday, I experienced some genuine lows, mostly with regards to work, although not entirely. I’ve been struggling a lot with my work identity. Lot to unpack, but it started when I moved out of IT earlier this year. I was brought over by my boss, who is a great guy. It was unceremonious in that I wasn’t asked or given any opportunity to think it through and it was not even formally announced to the company. I lost the 2 folks who had been reporting to me and I also lost one of the teams I was working with. More than likely, had I been given the choice, I may have done the same thing. That said, it began with a feeling of uncertainty and loss, that hasn’t really gone away. The first few months with the team were good. It was starting a new process from scratch and getting to know everyone, so that kept me engaged. More recently, it’s started to drag, as my time is less needed and I don’t have much involvement in the day to day project work, as I had in the past, especially with the dev groups. Super recently, we also brought in a new VP, who my boss now reports to. It’s been tough for me to ‘click’ with him, in part due to the w@h situation and in part because I think he has a very different view of my role. I’m rambling here, but it all has added up to feeling crappy about the job and how much time I’m wasting every day.
That, combined with some malaise from the pandemic, caused in part by the loss of all my usual stress relief mechanisms. Typically, I’d blow off steam on weekends and go to concerts and occasional nights out with Lisa or others. Maybe a few drinks here and there and playing/gigging with the band. I’ve also been on a program to improve my eating and exercise levels. Those have been going well, but it also robs me of a (negative) outlet for stress relief, namely eating.
It all popped out a bit in a conversation with Lisa. That led to a burst in some of the issues she and I have been dealing with as a couple. Not sure how much I referred to it below, but we’ve been in a funk for sure. Lisa has been in a tough spot since the pandemic with being unemployed and losing out on what she had at Patriot, professionally and emotionally. Our love life has also been less than awesome, to say the least. We wound up sitting outside for an hour and getting a lot out in the open. I felt better afterward for having opened up and for listening to her POV. I’m thankful that we had the chat, but it also opened some new wounds for me.
At the end of the day, I want to be thankful for all I have and much of the time, I am. This journal should be testament to that fact, but it also is not a cure all for the human emotions and desires we all struggle with.
7/27/20: Busy weekend. Bella had her 19th bday party with her friends on Saturday night. Lisa and I had spent the afternoon at Mike’s pool with him, Doreen and Doug. It was nice, hot and low key. I was grateful to control my eating and refrain from drinking alcohol. I also ran in the morning, despite the blazing heat. I nearly bailed on it but forced myself to breathe through it and got out there. My time has stabilized and I think next weekend I will aim for a longer length and am ready to kick it up a notch. Thankful for such solid progress and focus.
Bella had her party and there were about a dozen of her friends at the house. She asked about having some ‘drinking’ and we told her if everyone stayed over, we would allow it, so the house was full of kids. She has a really great crew of friends and they are very respectful and responsible. They embrace Quincy in the group as well, so it’s a great cohort of older kids for him to look up to. I grilled for them and Bella did a great job of cleaning up. I’m so proud of her and love seeing all those great kids continue to be part of her life, even as they go off to college, etc.
Speaking of which, we got the final bill for semester #3 at Assumption. It was much lower than #2, given the remote learning plan for the next few months. We also got a discount for Covid, since Lisa was laid off and they pledged a ‘free’ class for 2020, which Bella can take advantage of in the spring semester next year. Overall, I’m happy with the turn of events from a financial perspective. I know it sucks for her to miss being at school, but since that is out of our control, saving as much money as possible is a positive development for her. We were able to pay the bill in full, and I am grateful to continue my financial support of the family. We should be in great shape to also cover bill #4 come December. I don’t know what the learning plan will look like, but we are prepared to see the cost return to prior levels. Since we were able to save this round, it will enable us to give Bella some support into year #3, which we probably couldn’t have done before. I’m determined to save whatever money she is able to contribute, so that I can return it to her down the road and head off as much borrowing as possible. Thankful for our current financial position all around.
On Sunday, we hung with the Wabrek’s over at their lake house. It was nice and another hot day. I ate well, though I gorged a bit after getting home at night. That’s a bit of a pattern on the last couple Sunday nights I’ll need to keep an eye on. I had a hard seltzer, but otherwise, have abstained from drinking for nearly a month now and am feeling better overall. They have done a ton of work at their place and it looks really nice. We had some laughs, soaked in the lake and took a boat ride. It was nice to see James and Mia and Q was able to join us for a few hours too. I love seeing him with other kids and having fun in the water. Grateful for old friends and for family time together.
7/24/20: Q dropped his ‘mix tape’ last night at midnight. It’s a pretty amazing accomplishment and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He has been working on the 20 tracks for over a year. He wrote all the lyrics, programmed all the beats, added music and other samples, built a story arc, included some guitar parts from friends at school and had another kid design the cover art. He was so organized and driven through the process I really saw him grow, not only musically but just as a person. Grateful for such an awesome kid and that he is doing something he truly loves with his time.
Went back to work yesterday after a much needed week off. Been struggling with my Hasbro identity and how I’m spending my time there. Not passed that yet to be sure, but it was nice to get over the first day and feel ok. Thankful to have the job and hoping I can crack the code on getting some measure of fulfillment while keeping everything on track at home.
7/23/20: Bella’s 19th b-day yesterday. I got up and went to Starbucks to get her a lemonade acai drink that she likes. When she woke up, I had it sitting in the kitchen with her card. Good thing because she showered then went to meet her friends for breakfast. No matter, I’m happy for her to spend so much time with her friends. I know being home is hard for her and having that outlet is necessary. The day was relatively uneventful, but seeing Bella mature has been wondrous. She is smart, confident, talented and caring. She has become a great worker and took over manager duties at Subway, which will pay her more and allow her to work less shifts during school. She is hard working, and has a great emotional IQ. Couldn’t be more proud of her or grateful to be her dad.
7/22/20: Got in a walk yesterday, despite the blazing heat. Not sure if it was the long-ass bike ride the prior day, but I had almost no energy or desire to be outside. The weather has been hot and the air thick. I usually like it hot, but after a few days needed a respite. Grateful I at least got moving a bit and forced myself to get to the park even though I didn’t much feel like it.
Sent out a group note on FB to the family. I asked people to join the Rawkstars Fan Club to create a memorial scholarship in Tom Raposo’s memory. I figure it’s a good way to pass on the legacy of generosity that Tom had and focus the funds on a local kid or two. He loved kids and music probably as much as anything else in his life and I think it would make him happy to know we are doing this. He was a huge supporter of Rawkstars and in addition to donating thousands of dollars in our early years, he also opened his home to some of the most epic parties I can ever recall, after at least 3 of our annual softball game events. I hope the folks I sent the note to didn’t take it as a ‘sales pitch’ but rather a chance to honor Tom in a specific way. I’m thankful to be part of such a loving family and a few people already committed and/or signed up. After a week or so, I’ll take the post down and whatever money we have committed by then will makeup the annual scholarship funds and we’ll go from there.
7/21/20: 23rd anniversary yesterday. Spent a couple hours at the pool with Lisa. During breakfast, I decided to bike to Stoughton, as I hadn’t exercised in a couple days and wanted to push myself back to something hard. I headed out and estimated the ride would take me 1:40. It was nearly 90 so I was also worried about the heat but figured I was up for trying. I wound up having a great ride and finished the 20.6 miles in 1:32. I struggled in brief sections but overall performed well. Jumping in the pool at the end felt amazing too! Afterward we came home and bought some nice steaks for the grill. The kids were home and Q actually had a friend over from his afternoon run. We had dinner together and enjoyed some laughs as a family. Grateful for all that and for another year together with Lisa.
In the evening, I had a Zoom with some of the old Upromise crew. Namely, Jacob, Laham, Jeff Yaus and Chris Weekly. It was awesome to catch up and see their faces for the first time in a couple years. I showed them the GBB trailer and of course talked about Rawkstars. The feedback was really positive and it continues to go well, getting together in small circles to talk with folks about the projects. My Fan Club signups have been a bit stagnant but I think a few of those guys will jump in. Thankful for my relationship with those guys and our ability to remain connected, nearly 10 years after we all left the company. It’s a testament to how strong of a cohort we had and I’m so glad to have been a part of it.
7/20/20: Pool day yesterday with Lisa, over at the Bento’s. Super hot and perfect day for sitting in the sun and swimming every half hour or so. Grilled some chicken thighs and enjoyed the simple pleasure of a beautiful day, plus quiet time.
Helped Quincy shoot a video for his upcoming album release. We worked on it a few days ago, but he wanted to re-do his parts so we went to a new spot and re-recorded it. Came out better and he spent the afternoon at home editing it and getting it ready to publish. As mentioned, I’m very proud of him and love seeing his growth and commitment to the project. Grateful to have such a talented son who is growing into himself day by day.
7/19/20: Family day here yesterday with my mom, brother, uncle and nana over for lunch. It was a beautiful day and super warm, so we spent a good amount of time outside, which was excellent. We kept it simple and I grilled hot dogs and chicken. Easy, with a simple cleanup. We exchanged cards (of course🙂 for Bella’s b-day, Randy’s b-day and our anniversary. No major tension and a couple laughs. Seeing my grandmother is always awesome. She turns 99 this September so I’m always glad to get another chance to connect with her. She enjoys sitting in the yard and is always complimentary about the house, kids and everything we have as a family. Her cancer treatments seem to have really helped, as the tumor she had on her cheek is all but gone now. Grateful to have her around still and for the kids to be able to get to know her for such a long stretch.
I had a very solid day of food intake, especially given the fact that we had a ‘party’, where I tend to generally overeat. My cadence was off and at night, I was tempted to make some more food. I wasn’t actually hungry, it was simply the fact that we had food in the fridge and it had been a while since we ate. Fortunately, I was able to hold off and notice the feeling of being full and breathe through it. Thankful!
7/16/20: Had a call with someone at Assumption yesterday. Bella set it up and the 3 of us joined remotely. It was informative and gave us some insight into what’s possible in terms of potentially transferring for a semester while covid continues to evolve. She handled things well and the gentlemen we spoke with was helpful and proactively communicative. I’m really proud of the way Bella is handling things. Even if she does not transfer, I’ve seen her take initiative and consider the options in a mature way. I know it cannot be easy for her, even though my opinions about it are strong. Grateful to have raised such a great kid, who is capable, smart, generous and on a positive life trajectory.
I also had a park walk with Q and helped him a bit to think through a video he is making to announce the release of his first full length album! Couldn’t be more proud of the boy. He’s worked his ass off over the last several months to get the tracks together and done it entirely on his own. He programmed the beats, wrote the lyrics, added music, recorded it and is even working on the marketing side and with a friend to create artwork. He’s super talented and it’s gratifying to see him grow so much. Thankful for being close with him and immensely proud of his accomplishment.
7/15/20: Had a meeting with some folks at eOne yesterday. Not sure if I mentioned it last week, but I was super excited to have landed the opportunity to present my GBB idea to some people directly on the music side of the biz. It was really nice meeting them and they were pretty moved by the stories and video. That said, I don’t think I was able to make the resonance I was after, due to the influx of ideas and conversations they’ve already been having internally. It felt crappy at first to be sure, but after a few hours I was able to sit with it mindfully and move on. Grateful for the chance to make some new contacts and for the motivation it gave me to push forward with new ideas.
I finally got some traction on slides for the pitch deck yesterday. I’ve had it on my mind for about 2 weeks and have been unable to sit and really make any practical progress. That changed yesterday and I got about 3 solid slides that I am mostly happy with. I plan to spend more time today and through the weekend solidifying the deck. Hopeful I can get a meeting at some point and see how the deck resonates, but thankful for now that I even got started.
Still on point with my health tracking and on day #18 today. I’m definitely feeling better and my clothes are telling me I’m doing well. It’s genuinely amazing how a couple good weeks of focus can improve your trajectory. I’ve got a long way to go on the journey but am thankful to be in a good place right now.
7/14/20: Got back on the exercise path with a nice park walk, after skipping the prior day to hang at the pool. I’m grateful to have made it to the 3rd week of my plan and feeling and seeing some results. I’ve definitely been eating less food overall. Smaller portions at dinner and less snacking. I’ve got a good pattern of exercise between regular walking sessions, biking a few long rides and even a couple runs on the weekend. My shirts are fitting slightly better and I can tell my body is running more efficiently. Thankful to be able to keep moving and for the miracle of my body, even if it’s not as ‘well-oiled’ as I might like it to be.
7/13/20: Had a rough morning after talking with Lisa about her job future. Pressure has been building in me lately w/r/t work and financial factors. Along with everyone else, I’m also struggling from time to time with the nonstop routine of being at home. For a few weeks, I’ve also been doing amazingly well on my health plan, though I’ve lost my typical coping mechanism in the form of overeating. All those and other factors led to an outpouring. While I probably didn’t approach the conversation in the most productive way, I’m glad I got some of that angst out and that we ultimately talked it through.
Afterward, I went and spent a few hours by myself at the pool. Mr. Bento was of course there also, so I wasn’t really alone, and who better to spend time around when you’re feeling sorry for yourself. I got lots of sun and took plenty of swims. I had my shirt off for a few hours straight which also feels good and isn’t something I really ever feel comfortable enough doing. I had brought a salad and they fed me a nice hot bowl of soup, which was perfect. Super grateful for the downtime and opportunity to recharge, even slightly.
I finished my book ‘Understory’, and it was easily one of the absolute best fiction books I’ve ever read. The author is immensely good at forming elegant, impactful sentences and conveying ideas clearly but with style. I definitely plan to pickup another of his older works and am grateful to have found and finished such a great work of art.
7/12/20: Spent the day at the Bento’s pool with Doug and Sue. It was very spontaneous and I texted them in the morning to see if they wanted to join us. They brought along Alex/Mike and their new baby, Vivian. It was nice to spend a mellow day with those guys and seeing babies is always great. The Bento’s enjoyed seeing her also and we had a great day. Thankful for such kind in-laws and that we have the option to use their pool on hot summer days.
7/11/20: Made contact with two folks at eOne yesterday. I’ve got a meeting setup on Tuesday of next week to introduce myself and talk about the GBB project. I’m hopeful to get an executive sponsor from their side of the business, to help me pitch a program to the company, or fund it themselves. I also have a thought about seeing if it’s possible to move to reporting directly to someone on the music side of the business to oversee the program for a year, to get it off the ground. It’s ambitious, but could be the most amazing thing to happen to me professionally in quite some time. I’m thankful to even have a glimpse of what that could look like and supremely hopeful that I can garner their initial support and at least see where it goes.
I also had a call with Jeff Crocker, which was really cool. He’s an old music friend and has been a longtime supporter of RS. I was able to share the trailer with him and just connect about family, work and life in general. He’s a good guy and I enjoyed the human connection with someone I don’t talk to very often.
Met with Dave and Mike and Lisa to chat about the proposed RS gig on 9/12. We discussed a stripped down intimate show and the logistics for pulling that off. I’m excited to have something more solid to plan for and that we came around to doing something socially responsible for the bands and our guests. It’s a weird time to operate and making what used to be simple decisions are increasingly complex. It’s a constant balance between the desire to get out, socialize and do things we took for granted and keeping your own and the public health in mind. Grateful we landed in a place I feel good about that accomplishes both.
7/10/20: Went to Aaron’s place yesterday for a few hours to work/swim and connect. It was awesome to get out of the house for a bit and see someone new. He has a beautiful place and I hang out with him, Chuck and another kid who is there for the summer. It felt ‘normal’ and I was thankful for the hospitality and human connection.
7/9/20: Struggling emotionally lately w/r/t work. I’m not doing much on that side and cannot seem to muster the energy to really pour into the job. It’s nothing related to the company per se, I think I’m just feeling more of the emotions from spending my days in a routine that isn’t doing anything for my soul. I make plenty of money and by all accounts, Hasbro is a fine employer. Not sure why I cannot commit the required energy to making the job more fulfilling, but that’s where I’m at. I am grateful to be employed, at least for now, and I will continue to try and sort out how to make things better or solve it another way.
In the health focus aspect of current day life, things are better. I’m on day #12 of my program towards ‘fit at 50’ or whatever it is. Yesterday I took a bike ride and did a tough 10+ miles. Rode a completely new route and pushed myself to ensure at least 10 miles. Felt good to struggle through the ride and the course was similar to DW Park, where it’s constant rolling inclines. Definitely thankful for my focus in this area lately and for being able to change my behaviors. Perhaps there is a lesson I can apply to the prior paragraph?
7/8/20: Connected with Rob Rizzo last night about GBB. He’s an awesome guy and always made himself available to support and help RS. We caught up as we hadn’t talked for well over a year. I gave him the update about the Fan Club project and then shared the GBB concept and trailer. He was super enthused and supportive. I think he’s on board to help me shape the pitch deck and potentially to offer an intro to the folks at John Hancock, where he works along with Barb Goose, another DTAS alum who is aware of Rawkstars. Regardless of how anything turns out, it feels good to have support from smart, generous folks who want to help change the world. I’m grateful Rizz gave me his time and for his friendship. Even though we haven’t spent a ton of time together, he’s someone who has positively impacted me in multiple ways, mostly along the lines of being generous with resources.
7/7/20: Passed the 50% point towards goal #1 on the Rawkstars 2.0 project. I calculated the budget based on real-time spend and figured 131 subscriptions were needed to slow the monthly burn rate to 0%. Yesterday we passed 66 and today are at 68, meaning we only need 63 more subscriptions to reach that level. It’s been a cool experience to chip away and even cooler to see the monthly funds grow each week. I know it won’t be easy to get the next 63, but I’m thankful as hell to have made such progress in the face of everything else.
I continue to have great interactions with folks individually as part of that process and also showing the GBB trailer. I connected with Moe and Bruce last night and they were both blown away. I don’t know what all the interactions will lead to but I feel like the more I cast it out there, the higher chance I have to make a connection. It also helps me hone the talking points, get feedback and use it as a tool to gain subscribers. Kind of a win-win-win and I think it’s also a positive for the folks I share with, so add another level of win 😉
7/6/20: 4th party this weekend at Dorothy’s place. Much smaller than usual, but always grateful to get time with the extended family. They have an amazing backyard oasis that they’ve built over the last few years and I’m happy that they have created such an amazing space, and can share it with us on occasion. Lisa got pretty ill at the party and we spent yesterday nursing her back. Thankful she is doing better and that we were able to be there to take care of her. Walked in the park with Q, at his behest, and am continuing to have a good run of focus on my health challenge.
Received the matching donation from Hasbro, against my deposit to makeup for the OMG debacle. Our balance is steadily climbing lately, with all outstanding debts being covered. It’s super gratifying to see monthly deposits grow from our new Fan Club, which keeps the cash on hand from burning so quickly. With a couple new signups this weekend, we are at the halfway point of covering our monthly expenses. Still a ways to go to get the second half, but I’m proud of the progress I have made, especially given the slower pace of attention I have given the process of converting folks. I’ve also managed to balance fundraising with voicing some of the success stories to our donors. That part is hugely important to me, to fulfill out commitment to keeping them in the loop and engaing them much more.
7/4/20: Jammed last night in the backyard with HM. It was great to see the guys, for sure. The practice was fun but also hard. We played a really stripped down version. Crissy couldn’t make it and Paul used his cajon kit and some percussion. I actually really liked the approach and hope we can do that more. I had a hard time finding my place in the songs with so much room in the air. It was a new experience for me musically and I am grateful I got to feel and hear the music that way. I want to try it more and get better at filling that space more evenly. I’m kinda hopeful this will work its way into our overall sound so we can perform in that kind of setting with minimal gear and perhaps even simplify the songs.
I’ve got 6 full days of my new program under the belt and I feel good. My eating has been excellent and I’ve managed to stay away from night time eating, even last night when we practiced and came inside late. I’m super thankful to have developed the ability to focus in and listen to my body. I don’t always respond, but I’m doing well at the moment.
7/2/20: Had a few new Fan Club signups yesterday. Progress has been slow, but semi-steady. I have been approaching it very differently than in year’s past. Typically, I would bombard FB and email large segments of my list in waves. Others would also generally be mentioning RS online, which helped bolster the message frequency. This approach has been more personal and 1:1. I’ve been using the opportunity to share the GBB trailer and introduce people to that aspect of what we are doing, and asking them to join at the same time. It’s labor intensive, but it’s also been satisfying. We had over $900 deposited at the end of June, which is a decent monthly amount, and still lots of folks I haven’t spoken to. Grateful that we’ve been able to generate a fair response and making progress against this is extremely satisfying.
7/1/20: Got my teeth cleaned at the dentist yesterday. It’s actually something I enjoy and in the days of covid, it’s even cooler to be able to do something ‘normal’, like visit the dentist office. I’ve enjoyed nearly 50 years of good teeth health and its one of the few parts of my body that I’ve always felt good about. Grateful to my dad for passing down the genes of healthy teeth, if not much else 😉
Day #3 of healthy challenge 2020 complete. I ate less and stuck with the regimen overall. Lisa made some lettuce wraps for dinner and it was super light. Afterward, I felt, or at least thought, I was still a bit hungry so I took a serving of cashews and a larabar out. I ate the cashews and tried to do it mindfully and slowly. After finishing them I realized the larabar was overkill and left it unopened. Grateful for my ability to break a small habit and get through one more day.
6/30/20: Day #2 in the books on my challenge. Ate smaller meals and felt pretty satisfied throughout the day. Got in a walk for the first time in about 2 weeks. It felt good to move. I also got my pushups, water and daily vitamin completed. Thankful for taking it one day at a time and doing the little things that will add up to big things.
Had a zoom call with the MSO and showed the trailer to Sheriff K. He really liked it and gave some tremendous feedback. He advised that we need to tell the story of how specifically the music classes are benefitting the inmates. We have some metrics and data that we collected as part of phase #1, but really need to build out that aspect of the program. Ideally, the video will do a bit of storytelling there, but we should also be able to provide some electronic data that illustrates what took place. I think if I can crack this portion, he will get on board with supporting us more heavily and he said as much. I also learned that Deepu and James have been released from PACT. I found James on FB and chatted with him a bit. I think Jonas will try and interview him for the doc. I also got a text from Brendan, who I’ve been unable to. get in touch with for weeks. Hoping this results in a meeting where we can get clearance to interview Keith and Roose either in person or via zoom.
Grateful for progress against the GBB project and for some next steps to work towards.
6/29/20: Decided to get started on a fitness challenge (again). I’ve signed up for a mini-tri over at Field’s Park on my 50th birthday and have done nothing more than eat myself towards oblivion the last several weeks. I had a solid day #1 yesterday and am outlining some specific elements of the plan, which is about 85 days. Ideally, I’d like to get my weight down to 230 by then, but more importantly, I need to be demonstrating control, mindfulness and taking care of my mind and body.
I mowed the lawn yesterday and took care of getting an A/C and TV for Ben. I took Quincy along with me to pickup the items and deliver and setup. It was awesome having him along and he showed that he can be really helpful when he tries. He unpacked and setup the TV by himself while I tackled installing the A/C. I was grateful for the time together doing father/son stuff.
6/27/20: Back home today from the trip to Maine. We had to jet early since Bella worked today, so it was a bit of a grueling day. Thankful to be back home. It’s always nice to go away and I feel fortunate that it’s also nice to come home. We have an awesome house and nothing quite feels like your own space. The kids really enjoyed themselves as did Lisa and I. Thankful for such great friends who are sharing and generous enough to invite us to their space.
6/26/20: Day two up here in Maine. Spent the afternoon on the lake, sitting, floating, drinking and listening to music. We also took a couple boat rides, including one with Louie’s neighbor, who had an incredible jet boat. I took a few pics of their house, the dock and a sunset we saw over the lake. I’m going to clean up the pics and make some kind of collage for them to hang in the house, as a thank you gift. The kids are really enjoying themselves, and Bella found herself doing some drinking with Liam, including shots of vodka, which I’m pretty sure are outside her norm. I’m not a proponent of over-drinking, but it is kinda nice to see how comfortable Bella feels around these guys. Q is also having fun and there are a few other kids from the area that have been hanging around. It’s awesome seeing them all connect, both together and separately from the adults. Grateful to have this time together as a family and with the Silva’s. I’m hopeful for a safe journey for Liam most of all.
I also managed to get out the 1st Rawkstars Fan Club newsletter. I wasn’t as happy with the layout and content as I would have liked, but I am proud to have gotten it published. I need to get a better schedule/pattern so I can make it more informative, attractive and valuable to our members, but the act of simply making it happen was enough this time. I haven’t really gotten through the report yet, but it generated at least some click-throughs on DiMario’s video and I got one email reply from South Shore Music, who was mentioned briefly. It also generated at least one sign-up even though I didn’t link to the Rawkstars site or mention the idea of joining. Inching forward on that path and up to 59 memberships (38%) towards the initial goal of 150. It’s rewarding to see progress, even if it’s slower than I would like. I’m happy to be putting in some of the work to make it happen and that is gratifying.
6/25/20: Came up to Lou and Trish’s place in Maine last night with the kids. We had dinner and sat out on their deck for a couple drinks and some music. It was great to catch up and being here all together with both families is really cool. I know Quincy is having fun and it’s great to see him socialize and be comfortable connecting with people. Liam is heading to the army in a few weeks and though he wasn’t here yesterday, he’ll be joining us today and tomorrow. It will be great to have some time with him and I know it will have a big impression on Q, who really looks up to him. Super grateful for the time away from Taunton, for connecting with such great friends and for having the kids all in one place. I know that will only get rarer as the years progress for all of us, so I’m savoring it.
6/24/20: Got some work done on the first edition of the Rawkstars Fan Club newsletter yesterday. I’m a few weeks later than I hoped in getting it launched, but made good progress. In my zeal to work on new projects and convert people to the platform, I’ve neglected those who have signed up. I’ve got to get a better roadmap in place so I can ensure I’m supporting those folks properly, as promised. I think I’m going to setup a private Zoom so I can show them the GBB trailer. I want them to be among the first to see that and also some kind of announcement about the planned end of summer gig. Grateful for the 60 or so folks who have jumped in already and I don’t want to disappoint them, or myself.
6/23/20: Delivered the old Bose PA to Joe M. yesterday. Always nice catching up and seeing Joe. I was pumped to sell the PA to someone I know, as I hate selling old gear. I gave him a really good deal and he was happy to get the system at a good price, with no hassle and dropped at his house. I’m using the money to buy a new EV system that I hope arrives in the next few days. Should be a big step up in power and clarity. I’ve also been cleaning up the jam room a bit and might consider a bit of rearranging.
After visiting Joe, I stopped over and saw old friend Dave Malekpour. I’ve known Dave since I was 21 and worked for him back then for about a year. We’ve stayed friends through the years and I always enjoy connecting with him. He’s built a great business and showed me his space, which was pretty impressive. He’s doing manufacture of high end studio monitors, studio design and of course selling gear. He’s a big hearted dude. When I showed him the GBB trailer he literally cried. We talked about that a good amount and perhaps there will be a chance to collaborate on that down the road. He has a lot of connections in the biz, both with equipment folks as well as artists. I’m genuinely grateful for my friendship with both Joe and Dave, two talented dudes that have lots of heart.
6/22/20: Father’s Day yesterday. We spent the afternoon at the Bento’s pool yard. We brought steaks and a few beers and enjoyed an afternoon of swimming, eating and listening to oldies. Rob came by with the boys and it was nice to see them also. We talked about the pandemic of course, and the general state of things. The kids have grown up so much, it’s kinda hard to believe that 2 of them are in college and the other 2 in high school. I’ll always be grateful to be part of such an awesome family. The Bento’s always set a great example of parenthood and generosity.
Lisa and the kids bought a couch for the back yard, which is large enough for me to lay down and nap on. Lisa and Q set it up the other day and we’ve already been using it a lot. After we got home, we stopped at the ice cream place and got treats. Bella bought me a book, which sounds pretty zen and was written by an engineer at google. Q gave me a book also, called Dad rules. He also wrote me the nicest possible card and I felt a lot of love from the entire family. Thankful.
6/20/20: Had another bike ride on the trail yesterday. Afterward I met up with Jack and had coffee in Barrington, then drove to Stoughton to spend the rest of the afternoon at the Bento’s pool yard. Had a nice day and enjoyed being outside for most of it.
Lisa and the kids got me an outdoor couch for the patio for Father’s Day. I’d been poking around on something like that for a while, so I could stretch out, while being outdoors. It’s really cool and she and Q put it together for me too. Grateful for a thoughtful wife and family and that we can afford such luxuries.
I’m also closing in on buying a new PA for the rehearsal space. I had been wanting to upgrade my old Bose towers for a while, but it didn’t make sense unless I could sell the old gear. I don’t like dealing with selling gear, but stumbled on a chance to sell them when I connected with Joe a few days back. He’s got the same system and one of his towers died and he’s been looking for a replacement. So I gave him a good deal for cheap and had most of the money to buy something newer. Grateful again that I have the financial freedom to spend money on things I want, that aren’t necessities.
6/18/20: Showed the revised trailer to Josh and Crystal last night and talked about some next steps. They really loved it of course and I’m always glad to connect with both of them. I asked about a meeting with the Sheriff to showcase the video and see if he can assist us in connecting the dots for our internal proposal and connect us with other local prison leadership. Super grateful to continue the relationship with MSO and see where we can go next.
I visited Dave’s place last night for a mid-week hang, as they cancelled their practice last minute. I was able to show the video to Dave and Mike and Noah, which also felt good. I’m so proud of the project and of the video, it’s gratifying to be able to share a tiny bit of the experience with others. Mike had lots of questions/comments, which we had discussed previously. It’s insightful for me to hear about because I never had any qualms about doing a project to help prisoners, but I think many people do. There’s a sentiment that those folks simply need to be punished, without much understanding as to why they are there, who they are and what the consequences are of treating them poorly. In any case, it felt great to discuss some of those topics and I think Mike had a mild change of heart, even though I don’t feel it’s imperative for me to change anyone’s mind. Grateful for positive discussions with friends.
Afterward, I put out the subject of teaming up on a summer gig. They both seemed pretty into it and we started throwing out some ideas. Sounds like Dave’s house is the logical choice of location and I agree it will make the best use of space, parking, etc. Still lots of details to be sorted, but the idea of getting energy behind an event is always nice. I enjoyed having last year off from this task, but it’s in me to do these things and I think this one will come together relatively easily, without much pressure on the fundraising side to sell tickets. Again, grateful for my friend circle to be filled with such generous and talented people.
6/17/20: Heard from Crissy yesterday that she might have resolution on another of the OMG charges! Actually, she had a verbal agreement with them to repay me $3,850 from round #2 of the social media stuff. I signed a document and scanned it back and am awaiting signature from OMG. There are payment terms that stretch it over 2 phases, but even considering there to be a light at the end of this tunnel is immensely gratifying. Easily one of the most emotionally draining occurances in my life and certainly the most negative on the Rawkstars side. Crissy has been invaluable and I’m so thankful for her support, friendship and skills on the professional side.
Also ticked a few new Fan Club members yesterday and showed the finished trailer to a handful of folks. The feedback is strong and I’m very hopeful about what doors it may help unlock. Grateful to have participated in such an exceptional, creative endeavor. Would love more of that.
6/16/20: Hit the bike path with Joe M. yesterday. Was nice to get out on a random day and show someone its glory. Joe’s going through a tough personal time and it was great just to be able to talk and connect. I hope it helped in some small way and I was grateful for the human connection.
In the evening I cut the grass, since I didn’t have a chance to do it over the weekend. Seemingly insignificant, but I actually enjoy the process and being outside working up a mild sweat. I’m appreciative of the chance to connect in a small way with the outdoors and beautifying my yard.
6/15/20: Went down to Connecticut to visit Bones and Maggy yesterday. It was a nice day to drive and Lisa and I headed down around lunchtime. We sat out back at their house in the pool yard and talked. They brought pizza from one of the local New Haven style joints that we talk about regularly. Had a couple beers and just caught up mostly. I brought some old pics and we rifled through those a bit. It was nice to spend some time with them and I was grateful Lisa came along, as she originally was planning to have lunch with her gym crew but changed her mind last minute.
Got the second draft of the GBB trailer last night from Doga and it looks awesome. I sent back tiny edits to the titles and am hopeful it will be done today, so I can start using it to potentially sell the program to some folks. Super thankful for the creative energy and support from Doga and Jonas, as mentioned several times.
6/12/20: Hit the bike path yesterday by myself for a nice 12 mile ride. Enjoyed a quiet Friday afternoon and soaked up plenty of sunshine. In the evening, I made a fire out back and we sat for a couple hours before bed, listening to music mostly. Simple day but grateful for the opportunity to be alive.
6/11/20: Got a new cut of the GBB trailer yesterday from Jonas. It looks awesome and shows much more of the inmate/officer interactions. I’ll be connecting with him today to provide tiny bits of feedback and hopefully get some titles and text added. From there, I’m hopeful to start using it, at least privately, to try and raise awareness and hopefully funding for the project. I’m still not sure when things will officially open at the prison, but I want to be in position to quickly get back in there once it’s possible. Super grateful for Jonas’ help with everything really. Connecting with him was a real blessing on many levels for me.
6/10/20: Second day of solid food intake and walking again. Nice to feel both of those again. I had a work call with some folks from the Diversity / Employee Engagement group as well, to talk about Rawkstars/GBB. I enjoyed the chance to speak with them and hoping it gets me closer to some kind of relationship with Hasbro. Getting some resources from them would be a humungous boost for either program and give us a chance to get in front of many new folks. Super grateful to work for such a philanthropic and progressive company. I’ve been at several and Hasbro fits the bill.
Continuing to push down the path of Fan Club signups for the charity and making slow, but steady progress. I’ve just passed the value of 50 memberships. We need 150 to ‘break even’ on the lesson portion of the program along with our fixed monthly bills for phone, subscriptions, etc. so I’m 1/3rd of the way there. Ultimately, the goal is to get to 300, which will give us the opportunity to add a few students, do some special projects during the year (recording, performance, etc.) and even have some funds to have someone manage the social media and other recurring tasks. Super grateful for the folks who have signed up already and even for getting the motivation together to get on the path, after months of obstacles and procrastination.
Got most of the $1,998 back from Jamie Palmer yesterday. Crissy had sent her a letter from the law office and also contacted her via phone/email. She eventually got in touch and threatened to sue, if payment was not made. She paid via PayPal, which cost me $45, but that’s been par for the course in dealing with this woman. I don’t know if there is any way we can get refunded for the second round of $3,850 I feel she stole from Rawkstars, but for today I am grateful that we were able to recoup at least some of that money. It should help me make another step forward emotionally, as I’ve detailed here before that has been difficult. I donated $2,500 of my own money earlier this year and am awaiting the match from Hasbro. When that arrives, I figure I’ll have repaid $5k of the approximately $7,700 down the drain from her social media ‘expertise’. Grateful for the help Crissy provided and her friendship.
6/9/20: Had a solid day of food intake and got out for a walk. Went by myself, which wasn’t bad, and resulted in a strong pace. I tend to walk a bit faster alone, for some reason. Thankful for the small act of getting through the day with mindfulness and self-care.
Started watching The Handmaid’s Tale with Lisa a few nights ago. Been in my queue for a year and finally getting around to it. The story is sad but the production is excellent. Peggy Olson from Mad Men is the star and she is immense. I so enjoy well done productions and the show is very well done. Grateful to live in the golden age of tv with such strong, compelling, well made productions aplenty.
6/8/20: Ventured to Matunuk Oyster Bar and invited KP and Bill along. It was nice to go to a restaurant for the first time in 3+ months. It was also nice to connect a bit with new friends. We enjoyed the ride and I got to know those guys a bit better. The food was good as usual, but I didn’t make the best choices, getting fried clams and fries :/ — overall I didn’t have a great weekend of food choices and I’m aiming to turn myself around. Feeling less fit recently and not being mindful about food. Grateful for a new chance today to reset and have a better day.
6/7/20: Went over Mike’s last night for some BBQ and a few drinks. Dave/Liza/Doug/Sue were there of course. It’s been nice to have some of that human contact the last couple weekends. I didn’t get much accomplished yesterday but managed to help our neighbor Dave, pull a stump out of his yard. I was eating lunch on the porch and saw him struggling to remove it. I just did that a couple weekends ago and it was a lot of work. I tossed my boots on and walked over with my shovel and we got it out. Grateful for such cool neighbors and for being able to offer some assistance. Dave has helped me with tons of stuff over the years and I like to return the favor when I can.
6/6/20: Got more work done on the RS/website/back-end stuff yesterday. I enlisted some help from Nate, my friend at work. He’s a college student on our team and really skilled with technology. Trying to get some meta data from the fan club form posting properly to Stripe, namely customer name fields. Also, trying to get automatic integration with the mailchimp list, using zapier, to create a processing path for this. I had both ‘mostly’ working, but Nate is going to try and clean up a few bits I got stuck on. He also seemed interested and willing to help me with Google Ads, down the road. That, along with other marketing efforts, will be important areas as I continue to build the lifecycle of the pipeline from sourcing customers to being able to reconnect with them. Grateful to have a strong network of talented people who are willing to help me with this stuff.
I also spent time getting separate accounts setup across FB, Instagram, YouTube and LinkedIn for Guitars Behind Bars. I made some creative banners and logos and got each page setup. They are all empty at this point but I’ve secured the user names and have clean workspaces for eventual use. Small things but chipping away at more each day on this journey towards financial success for these two companies.
6/5/20: Took the day off and rode the East Bay bike path yesterday. Was a gorgeous day and I’m aiming to start burning my ample vacation days. Last summer I missed tons of days when Lisa and the kids would hit the pool or beach, but this year I’m geared up to take lots of time off. I started by meeting Jim Peluso for coffee down in Barrington. He reached out and invited me, which felt really nice. I enjoy his company greatly and respect him as a person. After that I headed south. I took a pretty mellow ride and stopped to snap pics. Once I got down to Bristol, I trolled around the city a bit, stopped in the park and grabbed a beer at the outdoor patio I usually stop at. Saw 2 guys i knew from Hasbro IT and bought them a round of drinks. Grateful for all the time off my company provides and for being able to take advantage of the beautiful weather once again. Also grateful my body is still able to exercise. I actually found that the ride I tool was not long or rigorous enough. Next time out I plan to start further up the trail so I can get a longer, more tiring experience.
6/4/20: Took the leap yesterday and sent out my first email to a short list (25) of folks in furtherance of the Rawkstars fan club project. I had been waiting for the right time since I hit the Corona pause button, but really it felt more like stalling. Guessing it will be a slow, long uptick from here but getting passed that first emotional hurdle felt good. I’m going to spend the next several weeks pushing on this, as I would have in past years fundraising or selling tickets to a gig. Long term goal is 300, but I’m aiming for 150 in the near term. That will buy us much time and allow me to strategize how to get some new faces on our list and to begin delighting the ones that sign up early. I won’t forget that part, I promise. Grateful for all that has been done in the name of RS for all these years and for anyone who takes this latest leap of faith with me, even if it turns out to be fewer than I hope.
6/3/20: Grateful for all Rawkstars has brought to my life. I’ve met so many amazing people through my musical journey and being able to share that with a few hundred kids and their families is beyond awesome. I’ve got so much energy around the GBB project and have dropped a few emails lately. I sent one to the CEO of Hasbro, and that’s trickling down to others that I hope will lead me to a meaningful connection at eOne. I also emailed Bob Lefsetz, who i’ve been reading for years. My experience makes me understand that these alone probably won’t lead to anything. The energy that I’m being filled with though is another story. Grateful to be gettting momentum in my quest to fundraise for these projects and make a difference for the world through music.
6/2/20: Walked with Lisa at the park yesterday. She almost always goes with the girls but they missed a day so we were able to go together. It was nice and I’m glad we got some time alone, which we haven’t had a ton of lately. I also rode into Hasbro for the first time in 3 months. I picked up some stuff from my desk, since we are homebound through the summer. Grateful for my company and their support through this period of time.
The world has been chaotic, with the killing of George Floyd, an innocent black man choked to death by a cop. I wrote an email to our CEO telling him about the Guitars Behind Bars program. I think small projects like that go a long way towards connecting people of color with each other and even with the corrections community. We saw a lot of that during our pilot and all the officers told us they saw changes in the guys and their relationships improved greatly as a result. I’m hoping to get Hasbro/eOne involved with the project perhaps to help with funds or even through their music network. In any case, I’m thankful again for their support and for the platform to potentially expand what we want to do.
Had a Zoom call with DiMario and his mom Marie. They are awesome people and I was so happy to connect with them. It reminded me about where the love of Rawkstars is for me. Planning to use the video to put together a story for our donors in the next week or two. Another baby step on the journey to fan club phase 2.0.
5/31/20: At risk of sounding like a broken record, spent the afternoon doing yard work yesterday. It was gorgeous out and nearly hit 80. I shoveled rock into the old bed at the corner of the driveway. I did it by hand, one shovel at a time, so I could evenly spread it, mixing it with the old stone. I also weeded it, by hand and picked out a ton of sticks and other debris. It took me a few hours and I actually enjoyed it. I had a cool funk mix on the speaker which gave me a ton of energy while I worked. It came out excellent and I was really proud of myself for taking my time and having it come out as good as possible, instead of rushing. I was so motivated that I actually mowed the entire lawn afterward. The yard looks awesome and I’m so grateful that I’ve been pushing myself to stay active, enjoy the process and get in some physical work this month. We ended the day with all 4 of us outside at the fire after dinner.
5/30/20: Spent an hour with Q stacking firewood in the yard. He’s not generally big on working outside or helping with yard work, but agreed to give me a hand. It was nice and he didn’t complain. We got all the wood stacked neatly and as always, it felt good to make the yard look just a bit nicer. Grateful for a bit of father/son time, especially doing something with physical effort.
Spoke with Greg yesterday on the phone. He got married last week and is as happy as I’ve ever known him to be. It’s really nice to hear his voice and I can tell how much love he has for Rebecca. I’m really glad they found each other and it’s awesome to see someone so happy. Greg’s a sweet dude and I’m thankful for our friendship.
5/29/20: After getting the situation with my bike settled, I took it out yesterday for a ride. I did 10 miles and it felt good. I spent about the same amount of time I would have walking, but definitely pushed myself harder. Aiming to incorporate more riding and perhaps develop a pattern of walk/ride/jog that I can outline and follow through the summer. Grateful to be motivated enough to get out there and push myself in small ways.
Had a concall with Jonas yesterday after a few months of not connecting. Was nice to see his face and catch up a bit. He said that the donation we sent to him was really impactful. Not so much in that $500 changed things financially, but he said it inspired he and Tariana to give back to others. They created a grant program for donating video services and did some pro-bono work for the city of Chelsea, among other things. He also said it came at an awesome time, as they had been fighting earlier in the day and it gave them something to share and talk about positively. So grateful that we were able to make others feel that kind of gratitude, by just sharing a bit of our own good fortune.
5/28/20: Chatted with some friends randomly in an effot to stay connected. Hit up Mike Andrews and we talked about how we both are mostly enjoying the new normal, with a touch of guilt. He told me about his training regimen and it sounds like he’s crushing it. It motivated me to get out for a run, which i did with Q. Just the 2 mile school run, but I did much better than a couple weeks ago when we did it. Pace was actually strong (11:10) and I felt more even than the first time. Still need to build some endurance but aiming to try the 5k fun run on Monday, even though the club isn’t officially meeting to run. He also told me he’s been doing like 60 miles per week on the bike and I got mine out of the shed in an effort to fix the flat tire. Sounds lame but I’ve never changed a bike tire/tube before. I watched a video and searched online for what size tube I needed. I drove to the bike shop and picked one up, came home and changed it! Thankful that I am still able to get some motivation going and for connecting with Mike.
5/27/20: Had a zoom chat with Crystal and Josh from PACT last night. It was nice to ‘see’ them both and reconnect a little. We talked about the potential of trying out some chromebooks with internet access so the guys could access music programming. There is another partner they have who is going to be piloting this and if it goes well, we can most likely piggy-back on that as an option. It would be great to get some services going again with them and to support the guys. It made me even more aware of their plight as Crystal told me they’ve been locked down upwards of 20 hours per day, since they don’t have enough staff to monitor them outside the cells, as usual. Grateful for the chance to help and continue our relationship with MSO. I was also able to show them the trailer for the doc project and I think they really liked it. Thankful we got so much footage before the virus stuck and hopeful we can return to some regular programming over there later in the summer.
5/26/20: Wrapped up Memorial weekend yesterday. Spent parts of every day working in the yard. I’ve been mentioning this a lot and it’s been really great. I have all the various planters in nice shape, the lawn looks strong and I’ve cut down more of the overgrowth than ever before. I’ve been burning lots of wood also, and actually finished the last of it yesterday. I spent about 4 hours (mostly) alone a the firepit. I wateched the birds, tended the fire and did some reading. Dave Purdy dropped in for a while and we talked, which was nice. I’ve enjoyed the downtime for the most part and gotten more used to spending time alone and slowing down. I’m thankful for that and also for having so much time and attention to make the yard look nice.
5/23/20: Started the long Memorial Day weekend yesterday with the best weather we’ve had so far this year. It was in the high 70s and warm from the start. Had breakfast out on the balcony, which is immense. I spent a few hours doing more yard work. I added some rocks to a couple of planters out back, and got the bird feeders setup. Dug some more large rocks out of the woods and decorated the footing a bit. I also dug out a large bush/tree that was dead on the side of the yard, and severely trimmed another that was adjacent. I’m planning to make a nice bed in that area, but I ran out of steam yesterday as the removal was quite taxing. Felt great, as usual, to expend so much energy doing this kind of work. Yard is looking better each weekend and I’m grateful for the time, energy and even the fact that I have a nice yard space to work with.
5/22/20: Walked with Lisa yesterday. We’ve gone together only a few times. She is generally with the girls from the gym and I am usually with one or both kids, or by myself. It was nice to walk together and continue the momentum of getting out and moving, with some nice sunshine above.
Got a note from Hasbro about delivering my chair this week. Seems petty, but having my work chair is going to be incredibly cool. I had been trolling around considering buying something once I realized I’m home for the long haul. Even a used Herman Miller is like $500 so I was really pumped when they agreed to let us take them home. Grateful once again for all my company does for me and my family.
5/21/20: Nothing big happened, so I’m marinating in the gratitude of sunshine that we’ve enjoyed lately. It’s been hovering around 70, but the sun is strong. Got outside and walked again. Averaging about 10 miles per week and looking to get in a run this weekend.
5/20/20: Having some semi-productive days at work recently. Starting to on-board some new folks, which is always a good process. Also met with a new team yesterday that seems quite interested in working together. They have a very similar group and I think would be an ideal candidate for collaboration. It’s small but always feels good to connect with new, like-minded folks at the office.
Making strides on the GBB website each day. It really is a fun, productive process building a website. I love the problem solving and see the full picture slowly take shape. I got an email last night from Crystal over at PACT. She and Josh are looking to see if we have some content that could be shared with the guys to learn music remotely. As usual, the challenge will be delivering something offline, without benefit of leveraging the internet. I’m trying to schedule a zoom call with them to discuss. I’m pumped they reached out as I am chomping at the bit to get back to this work and see if we can get our original proposal revived and approved. This could be a small way to generate some momentum towards that, as we eek slowly towards opening society up again. Grateful for the chance to continue this project. Also psyched to share the website/trailer with them, as nobody from the facility has yet seen it.
5/19/20: Finally started making some progress with my new website for GBB. I got passed the refund process with my first theme, which turned out to be a blessing. Instead, I purchased a new theme, which is AWESOME. I had some tech hurdles at the outset, but managed to figure them out, mostly on my own. I got things installed and configured. I also designed a logo, which I’m pretty happy with and started to populate the theme with some basic content. I’m finding lately that I really enjoy the process and it makes me recall my days as a web developer fondly. Grateful that I have a creative outlet at the moment and am making progress on something I care about.
5/18/20: Gorgeous weather over the weekend. I’m sure it’s been mentioned here, but I operate so much better when it’s warm. The sun was out and I worked hard in our yard both days. I spreadh 3+ yards of mulch across the main island in front and for the gingko tree on the driveway side. i also filled our side planter with rocks, mowed and brought a few large fieldstones from the woods. Thankful for the sun and for being productive outdoors.
We had our first foray with socializing on Saturday. We went over Dave and Liza’s place for a hang on the patio. Mooney’s, Kasts and Alex were also there. It was nice to see everyone and connect with some others in person. Hopeful that we can start to have small gatherings like this more frequently, without the fear or guilt of proximity.
5/15/20: Had a run with Q 2 days ago. Haven’t pushed myself to run in2+ months. It was rough and hard but felt great. We did just 2 miles, which was what I set out for. The Raynham fun run series is supposed to start up in June and I want to be able to get on that again. It’s 3.2 so I need to get built up again. Quincy really enjoyed it also as he hasn’t run for some time and I think he really misses it. Super grateful that I can still get out there and even if I’m not in great shape, I’m able to push myself to keep trying.
Things hae been icy between Lisa and I. I think we are all suffering a bit from the routine. We chatted a bit about it, which felt good. As the day wore on, I think we both started to mellow a bit and I’m thankful for that. Lisa has been the love of my life since day #1 and I want to do what I can to make things cool at home. Looking forward to a great Friday and sunny weekend of productivity.
I signed up for the Storytelling Workshop, from Akimbo. I’ve been a Seth Godin fan for 10+ years and this is the first time I’ve taken the leap to join one of his courses. It’s just ramping up and I’m getting used to the interface and how to interact with the cohort. It’s a little clumsy to start, but I conneted with some folks yesterday and felt a small sense of what I think it will be like. Grateful for taking the leap and putting myself out there to learn.
5/12/20: Grateful today simply for being employed. I often take my job for granted. I also often wish it were ‘better’. More engaging for sure, took better advantage of my skills, yes. More impactful and with a better title even. That said, I don’t think I’ve ever been defined by my job, at least since being out of the music biz. I’ve had Rawkstars, fatherhood and other important designations which carried more weight with me than my job. As I look around the landscape and see where I’m at in life, I’m thankful that I have a job which supports my other life goals, like taking care of the family, being low stress and not demanding too much of my energy. In some ways, those are negatives, but today they are positives.
5/11/20: Simple day yesterday. Spent a few hours doing yardword. Finished the patio powerwashing and it looks great! I also cut the lawn and edged, so it looks really nice. Afterward, I sat outside and lit a fire. Bella came out and we listened to music, mostly quietly, for a couple hours. It was simple and a nice way to spend the afternoon. Lisa came back from her walk and we gave her the “rock” tequila and the kids made her some cards. She cooked a huge rack of ribs for dinner which were awesome and we caught up on Riverdale with the kids before bed. Grateful for the simplicity of the day and for being together.
5/10/20: Succeeded in getting back on track with my eating yesterday. Made a beautiful Mediterranean bean soup with tomato pesto and enjoyed a pre-Mother’s Day dinner with Lisa. I also got to the park for a walk with Bella, which was excellent. I’m continuing with my stretching and besides the stumble on Friday, am feeling good.
Today is Mom’s Day. I’m feeling grateful for the amazing mothers in my world. Of course Lisa, my wife. She’s an amazing partner and mom. She takes care of tons of stuff for all of us and often goes unsung. My own mom, who put up with a ton from me as a kid, is still there in my corner. She is stuck in her ways of course, but I never doubt how much she loves me and my family. My nana, the rock of the family. She taught me the ways of simplicity that I strive for. My mother in law, who is as selfless as they come. She puts herself behind everyone else’s well being and is a super caring person. Truly grateful for the mothers around me and the example they set.
5/9/20: Right on cue yesterday, after weighing myself and feeling positive about my eating, I crashed. I snacked and overate aggressively last night as we watched movies and sat around after a cold, rainy day. I had something in my mind about permission, which definitely happens when I see results on the scale. I definitely overdid it, realized I was doing so, and did it anyhow. Today I am grateful for the chance to start over and begin anew. I did manage to get a very nice walk in yesterday, and thankful that I’ve kept that streak going and continue to see the value in the process.
5/8/20: I’m down about 8lbs since the lockdown. I’ve generally not been weighing myself, but did a couple weeks back and again this morning. When covid hit, I had been swirling. For months really, since sometime last fall. The lockdown has helped focus me and keeping a routine and being mindful have been effective. I was at 255 at the outset and today clocked 247. I’m still aiming to trend down, towards my ‘fighting weight’ of about 240/242. That seems to be where I generally hover when I’m in a decent spot. It’s probably still high long-term, but I’ve learned that my body seems to like it there, for whatever reason. Taking it one day at a time and breathing. Grateful.
Yesterday I had my first Starbucks from a shop in 50+ days. It was beautiful! Of course I’ve been making coffee all along, but something about a freshly brewed cup from the store is still great. Bella has been keeping tabs on the re-opening of course, and she took Q there yesterday to get their faves and brought me back a small black. Thankful for the little things!
5/7/20: Walked yesterday, with Q. Did the long loop again and this time I tracked my activity using Runkeeper. I never really used these tools much and haven’t ever really been motivated by doing so. That said, it was kinda satisfying to use it yesterday, for some reason. I’m planning to repeat that and see if I can ‘up’ my level of regularity with the walking and stick with the longer distance. I’ve been doing a solid job overall of keeping my activity and eating levels solid during the 7+ week lockdown, but I know I have room for improvement still. Grateful for the opportunity for extra bandwidth and want to make more of it in this way.
After my second flirtation with switching accounting apps, I decided yesterday to stay with quickbooks, and downgraded my subscription. It’s within the theme of lessening my bills and will save Rawkstars about $35 a month. Not a huge amount but coupled with the cell phone consolidation, I’m looking at decreasing RS budget by $900 annually, which is worthwhile. It also saves me the hassle of exporting/importing and the learning curve of new software. Grateful for the motivation to make things slightly better and for following through.
Got a really nice thank-you card from Jonas and Tariana after they received our donation to their business last week. They said they were planning to pay it forward and I’m grateful to know our support will potenailly impact others as well.
5/6/20: Got to the park and walked the long loop (3.2) by myself. I had planned to go with the kids but things blew up a bit before leaving the house. Bella has been procrastinating over submitting for the $1,000 scholarship she got from THS. It was literally available at the end of semester #1. Here we are at the end of year one and she still hasn’t submitted the paperwork. There is also a scholarship available from Hasbro. She’s known about it for months. I’ve asked her about each multiple times andno action. I realize she is on her own timetable and these are chores for her. That said, I called her out on it yesterday as I was frustrated by her inaction, when I’ve been doing as much as humanly possible to stash money in her college fund. It escalated and she left our conversation and went in her room. I’m not proud of how I handled it and I lost my calm a bit for sure. That said, I think it’s positive that I showed her how I felt, even if it wasn’t the most productive method. I think we/I have been doing too much to cover some of the things she should be taking care of. Part of our job as parents is to make sure she learns about some of the grinding tasks and chores that are part of life and to be able to prirotize and get them taken care of. Grateful to be learning as a parent still and interested in the well being of my kids enough to keep trying to get better.
5/4/20: The last 2 days were beautiful. We’ve all been waiting for a stint of warm, sunny weather and it finally came. Did a lot of yard work again. I finished up a little entrance area I filled with stone transitioning from our grass to the patio. It had been transformed into mud over the last couple years since our grub damage and I decided to try and improve it. I laid the bed and rocks on top, then yesterday I spent a few hours pulling large field stones out of the woods to border it. It came out nice and I really got a great workout in. I also continued power washing the patio and though I am still not done, I got a huge chunk completed and it looks so much better. My body felt good all day, whereas I usually start to get sore and afterward my back would be hurting. I had good energy and felt good afterward. Took the kids to Amaro’s after dinner, because I didn’t want the weekend to end. It’s our local ice cream shop and just opened this weekend for the season. Really grateful at such a productive weekend filled with nice weather and energy.
5/3/20: Beautiful day yesterday, spent a few hours doing yard work. I continued power washing the patio and have about 1/2 of it done. It looks great. I’m going to have to go back and fill in the crevices with stone dust, but the progress is nice to see. I also began filling in the mud area adjacent to the patio with stone. I cut the grass out, raked, laid a weed barrier and piled about 12 carts full of stone. It looks better, though I still need to clean up the edges today. Lisa mowed the lawn and picked up some debris, so the yard is looking decent. It was nice to spend some time outdoors and working. My body was of course spent afterward, but I managed to do a 3.2 mile walk with the family over at the park. It was nice to feel tired from physical activity and aiming for more today, with another nice day outside.
5/2/20: Spent a few hours yesterday getting the Rawkstars books in shape. I typically keep very good records and regularly reconcile my accounts. Over the last few months, with the OMG debacle, they have gotten messy. I am not an accounting expert and once things go awry, I often struggle to fix them. In my efforts to consolidate and look for ways to save money, I decided to switch to a new accounting software. It made cleaning things up more critical and I was able to really make progress. I had a few things I couldn’t resolve and chatted with Ed for a while, which also helped. I’m nearly ready to make the switch and have just one more item to resolve to clear up all the accounts. Grateful for the ability and time to make this happen and for support of friends when I need it.
Things continue to be solid for us on the money side. Lisa has been getting deposits from unemployment which exceed our typical income. We’ve been paying the credit card regularly to zero and have also been stashing some in the college and slush funds. Feels good to be on stable footing, at least for now. I know things change quickly but I am grateful for the current state of affairs in our financial world.
Bella finished her last final exam yesterday for Freshman year. She won’t know her grades for a bit yet, but I’m proud of her. I know the transition wasn’t easy, the work is much harder and she had to deal with the disruption of the pandemic and coming home to distance learning. I’ve got lots of strong feelings about the college system and despite those, I am proud of how she handled everything. Grateful for such great kids.
5/1/20: Today is Bella’s last day of freshman year. Even though I loathe the industrial college system, I’m proud of her. She got disrupted big time by the virus, but has been sticking with it from home and I’m expecting her to have solid grades, for whatever that is worth. I’m thankful we had enough money to pay for year #1, even though I didn’t want to. I’m glad Bella feels supported and that we raised a daughter who is doing what she thinks is right, regardless of what I think.
Made a bit more progress on the accounting switch yesterday. Investigating a second product as well as integrating with my payment proceessor, Stripe. It’s a complex landscape to navigate and I’m finally making headway plowing through the inertia of tasks like this. I also signed up for a new credit card provider, to cut the cord with Capital One after their complete lack of support in the OMG mess. It feels good to have forward momentum on lots of small things and the daily progress, even when small, is a good reminder about why it’s important to feel productive in our work.
4/30/20: Had a ‘coffee’ meeting with a new friend from Istanbul, Turkey yesterday. Met him through the Hasbro network and we setup time to simply get to know each other. Muruthan seems like a really great guy. He told me lots about Istanbul and the office there. I tremendously enjoy getting to know new people and being open like that. I’d love to get the opportunity to visit some of the global Hasbro offices and perhaps begin a working relationship with some of those folks. Might give me insight into a landing spot for the next phase of life, and even potential for work, if that’s part of the equation. Grateful for the opportunity and for my new friend.
4/29/20: After getting my blog moved to the new host, I took some time yesterday for cleanup work. I migrated all my daily notes from Evernote and got everything formatted in the WordPress editor. As I was poking around to make sure the pages were intact, I noticed I never finished the ‘About’ section, so I spent some time writing my story there. It felt good to work on something and to write. Got a couple more small items planned for today along the same lines and am grateful for the small satisfaction that came from working on something like this.
I also did a bit of research about switching to a new accounting software. QBO has become super expensive for Rawkstars and I am looking for ways to slash our expenses. I found a new package and started setting up the chart of accounts. Instead of waiting for help, I dove in and got things in a decent spot. I reached out to Donna to ask for her help in getting my accounts reconciled, so I can transition with a clean balance sheet. I typically keep meticulous books and always have my statements reconciled each month. Since the OMG dispute began, that feel apart. I sent her all the materials and am sure she can get us back to a good place, so I can migrate to the new system.
I also got a draft letter in regards to the OMG issue from Crissy. After sitting with her last week, I sent a lot of materials and she drafted a legal letter informing OMG of our intention to sue. I’ve got a bit of feedback to send today, but it feels good to see someone taking up this cause and supporting Rawkstars (and me) to get some resolution. I’m super grateful for the help of friends, especially when it comes to Rawkstars. Crissy and Donna have done lots over the years and I am blessed to have their help as well as their friendship.
4/28/20: Yesterday was a gloomy day. The weather has been terrible and it was super raw and rained much of the last 48 hours. I felt it as did Lisa and Bella. Had a somewhat crummy meeting at work which soured my mental state for the next few hours. I was kinda able to recognize and tried to ‘feel’ it happening and pay attention. Didn’t do a great job but I suppose the fact that I’m writing about it here is a good indicator that I was able to be mindful. That doesn’t mean reacting perfectly. In fact, feeling the waves of emotion on occasion is totally normal and healthy. Being able to see what is taking place and feel your way to calm, is the activity I’m looking for. Grateful that today I have a chance to rebound and enjoy another day of life.
In the evening, we watched some youtube music, as has happened lately, with all the live streams taking place. We watched a few songs from ‘Metallica Monday’ as they’ve been releasing concerts every Monday night. I showed Bella the ‘Black Album’ version of the band and she noticed Newsted was different from their current bassist, Robert Trujillo. So I explained to her about Cliff Burton and we then watched a couple old vids, including Day on the Green and another from the Kill Em All tour. Was cool to share that with her and seeing James over the years is always a point of awesomeness for me. He’s the Elvis of my lifetime.
4/26/20: After talking with Lisa, we decided to send $500 to my friend Jonas in support of his company. Been wanting to ‘pay it forward’ with some of the good financial fortune we’ve experienced lately. There are a ton of orgs collecting money for WHO and restaurant workers, etc. Those are worthy causes but I’m more interested in supporting someone more directly, especially someone I know who can use help. Jonas’s company works with a lot of community based nonprofits, like Rawkstars. He’s gone above and beyond for us and without his compassion and commitment to our cause, we never could have afforded to partner with him. He’s also become a friend that I trust and I’ve come to know what kind of person he is. I know it won’t move the needle too much for him, but if it helps pay a small bill or get him through another month until his clients can return, I want to help keep him going. He was telling important community stories before the virus started and will be doing so after it’s gone. I’m thankful to be able to share a tiny bit of our good fortune with someone who deserves help.
4/25/20: I got this blog moved from my prior host, and moved it under the Rawkstars host, as an addon domain. I figured out how to do this last week as I was installing the new template I’m using for the Guitars Behind Bars site. I realized I could move this site as well and save some money, plus simplify things technically having them all with one host. It took some experimenting but today everything is up and running. Grateful that I have some tech chops still, even if they aren’t as relevant as they used to be.
I spent some time yesterday re-compiling all the materials from the OMG dispute to send to Crissy. I don’t know if any of that will ultimately be resolved, but I’m taking baby steps towards putting that chapter behind me. I also resolved to finally pay my credit card bill in full, and will be changing cards today. It’s going to mean Rawkstars is at its lowest point of funding in a few years, in the middle of a pandemic, but I’m finally at the point where I feel that is the best option. It will help me further separate from the debacle and push me a bit in getting to some fundraising again, even if that is scary at this time.
4/24/20: Paid for Bella’s summer class yesterday, using some of the rebate check we got from the school. I also have the full amount for her July tuition payment and even perhaps a few thousand extra, depending on the exact total. We also paid our credit card down to zero, paid some extra on our home equity line and stashed a bit of money in our ‘slush fund’. It feels good to be in a solid financial place, at least for now. I know many others are hurting in this area and I’m planning to send a small check (maybe $500) to my friend Jonas, whose business is completely stalled. He has done so much for Rawkstars and has become a great friend personally and I want to use a bit of our current good fortune to pay it forward.
4/23/20: Got in another walk yesterday with the kiddos. The time with them has been great and seeking opportunities to get out and walk has also been awesome. Bella and I made a bit of a pledge to daily walking, during the weekdays. No reason not to get out there unless the weather is horrible.
I used the rebate from Assumption to pay for her summer class as well. Grateful to have that covered, to help her stay a step ahead of the game on her degree. We still had money leftover and I’m thinking about how to use that.
Spent an hour chatting with Crissy about the OMG situation. She gave me some good advice about reporting the fraud to the police. Crissy is also going to prepare a letter to send about the second social media payment, which I would like returned. The whole situation has been one of the worst experiences of my entire life and having it drag out for so long has been awful, to say the least. I’m glad to have support of friends like Crissy and to take a positive step forward to rectify things, or at least try and move on.
4/22/20: Matt Simon passed away yesterday. Not sure what happened exactly, but I knew he had been sick. Lisa said he had been complaining about not feeling well on FB a couple months ago and lamenting the fact that he didn’t have proper health insurance, being self-employed. I guess he finally got himself checked out and wound up having a stroke. He was then in a hospital and had a heart attack I believe. His girlfriend and some others held a fundraiser for him, as he got transferred to a rehab facility before the virus started. Last night, she had logged onto FB to see the news that he was gone. Matt was a good guy. I knew him as far back as West Elementary, where we both went to school. He was on my little league team and I can remember his dad bringing him to practice. As we grew up, he became more of a punk, like I did and we had plenty of overlap in friends. We lost touch after HS, but like many, rekindled once FB came around. He had started his own livery business and we hired him for rides to the airport for many of our vacations. He also was an avid supporter of Rawkstars. We had his stepson in the program a while back as he was attending school for sound engineering and I helped him out a little bit. Matt donated some sports memorabilia to one of our auctions and even held his own birthday fundraiser one year. He loved to talk and was definitely a people person. His passing is a reminder of how fortunate I am. I have health insurance and am relatively healthy. I’m also alive this morning.
4/21/20: Semi-productive day yesterday. Got started (finally) on putting together a site for the GBB prison program. I bought a WP template and got it (mostly) installed at my hosting account. It felt good to put that idea into action and though I didn’t get super far, I was pretty engaged with the process and it felt good. I got stuck on something and am in a holding pattern waiting for a support ticket to be answered, but I found myself already looking ahead to continuing to be creative with the build process over the next several days, or however long it takes me.
4/20/20: Did yard work yesterday, since it was sunny out. I cut down a 1/2 dead tree near the driveway, that was a real eye sore. I had trouble with the chainsaw, and the blade was super dull, but I got a sharpener from Dave Purdy, that helped a little. Dave is a great neighbor and friend. Always there to lend tools or help with anything. Grateful we moved in here together nearly 19 years ago.
After the tree work, I did some more cutting with the hand shears, to make progress on the brush removal. Slow, but I got another small area cleared and opened up to take down another eye sore, 1/2 dead tree, once I replace my chainsaw blade.
Got a bit of work done in the back yard also. Got the outdoor rug from the attic and hung the lights around the gazebo. Small updates but every little bit to make the yard more attractive is worthwhile. Hoping to spend increasing amounts of time out there as it warms up.
It was nice to have a sore body at the end of all the work. I don’t do a ton of yard/outdoor work but when I do, I always feel it. I appreciate the fact that I can still work hard and that my body responds when needed. It’s a nice reminder about how easy I have it with my day job.
Over the morning, we also did some financial wrangling. As mentioned before, we got our stimulus check, plus Lisa’s ‘extra’ unemployment benefits. All that cash, plus what I received last month from my Hasbro bonus, has us in a great position. We have accomplished several goals. We paid off our credit card to $0. We have $20k saved in Bella’s college fund for year #2. We paid extra on our equity line, decreasing the amount we owe. We even have a small savings account with $2k in it for any emergencies which come up short term. I finally checked my 401k balance, which I hadn’t done in months due to the market conditions, and I was pleased to see it’s regained more than 1/2 of its losses. I’m happy with the total and we are on a good path with those investment accounts as well. I’m extremely grateful to be in such positive financial shape. Thinking about doing something generous for others who aren’t as lucky. Deciding between helping a friend whose business has been rocked vs. something more random.
4/19/20: Had a video call with the HM band guys last night. It was fun to connect a bit, though the calls are far more awkward than handing in person at rehearsal. Everyone seems to be holding up ok and still working. I worry about Paul the most since he has a tenuous financial situation and lives alone. We had a couple laughs and it made me even more grateful for the musical bond we have.
Played some more yesterday with Lisa. We worked out Soldier of Fortune, with her using the new piano. I messed with the chorus and reverb settings on my amp and we had it sounding kinda cool. Hoping we can keep going down that path and get it recorded, then move on to another.
Played poker with the kids last night before bed. Q won. It was fun to teach them and they seemed to legitimately enjoy the game. Was good to spend some family time, after a week of kinda rough relations.
Saw a super rough cut of the Guitars Behind Bars doc footage. I asked Jonas for a cut I could use to build a website around, for tone, emotion, etc. He and Doga had already cut something which was perfect. It was extremely powerful to watch and an amazing reminder of what we had started. Seems like a lifetime ago, even though it’s only been 2 months since we wrapped up the pilot. So hopeful we can pickup where we left off and couldn’t be more thankful for Jonas and Doga for working on this with Rawkstars. Could really be a game changer for us.
4/18/20: Went to The Pleasant Cafe last night for pizza. I had been wanting to have one for a few weeks, but had been trying to keep momentum on my mindful eating. Decided that I was ready for a splurge yesterday and took the drive with Bella. We couldn’t get through on the phone, so we wound up having to order once we got there. It’s about a 40 minute ride, then I had to wait in a fairly long line just to order, with the social distance rules in effect. It was a strange scene, with masked customers standing so far apart and a bunch of others seated in a spread out section waiting for their orders. I finally made my way to the order section and we had about a 35 minute wait. So I drove to Georgetowne and found my grandparents old place. It was an odd feeling as I hadn’t been back there or driven those roads in many years. It was familiar but strange. We spent a ton of time there when we were little kids. We pretty much visited for dinner every Sunday. We’d play outside, watch football games, eat and catch part of 60 minutes before heading home. It was a pretty good time as a kid and I remember both of my grandparents fondly from that era. We finally got the pizza and brought it home. While we drove, I listened to music, which I haven’t been doing nearly enough. It was fun to drive, sing, anticipate the pizza dinner and just exist. I was grateful afterward for the simple pleasure and that Bella came along with me, even though we didn’t talk too much.
4/17/20: Yesterday I walked with the kids. That’s been a semi-regular occurrence and have come to really enjoy the time. We explored the park and took a longer route than usual. Lisa has been walking with her gym crew and they are doing like 5-6 miles per day. We are doing more like 2.5, but it’s enough for me and feels good. Continuing to have mindful eating habits and feeling overall more healthy than when this started.
We worked on some more music yesterday. The 21 Pilots song the kids picked was fun, but I need to work on it. It’s got a simple sounding bass line, which was simple to learn but difficult to play. It’s very tight and the fingering is awkward for me. It was fun as we had Q join in on vox and I would be pumped if we can get something together for all 4 of us to perform.
I also worked on Soldier of Fortune with Lisa on piano and Bella singing. One of my favorite tunes and it sounded pretty good right off the bat. Lastly, I have been learning Under The Bridge and played it with Bella. She had to sing it an octave higher, and I thought it was really cool. Music continues to be a source of enjoyment, connection and productivity during the lockdown. Grateful.
4/16/20: In the last couple days, we received the Corona stimulus check along with the rebate from Assumption for Bella’s room & board. Those total almost 6k. Along with the bonus I got last month, just before this hit, we now have enough stashed away for the July tuition payment for college. Since we aren’t in any position to sell the condo, and I still have no clue how long it’s going to take Bob to vacate, this is huge. We bought more time and are staying ahead of the game. Who knows what the real estate market will look like post-virus, so it gives us more options if we need to hang onto the properties longer. We could do a refinance for sure, assuming I’m still employed. In any case, it’s nice to have this safety net short term and to feel like we aren’t pressured to make any fast decisions on borrowing money. Couldn’t be more grateful on the financial front.
4/15/20: Things were a bit tense yesterday (and probably the last couple days) at home. Everyone is a bit on each other’s nerves and it showed a bit. It’s not easy having everyone together basically 24/7 and we’ll look for opportunities to make things more special and maybe split up on occasion. I had an idea about a date night at home for me and Lisa this weekend. We could use it.
We received a rebate from Assumption for Bella’s room & board the last quarter. That will really help get us through the next payment, which will be in July, if things stay on course. Between my bonus and a couple grand we had reserved, we will have enough for payment #3. Since we are unable to sell the condo as previously planned, this will buy us more time to see how things unfold in the next several weeks. Thankful for my financial status.
I picked up a keyboard for the house yesterday, which everyone was happy about. We started to work on a song, and I think Q was convinced to participate. They picked a 21 Pilots song and it sounded really fun. Grateful for music of course and for being able to work on something with the whole family that we all enjoy.
4/13/20: Good weekend to close out week #4 @ home. Recorded and released the KISS video with the family. It was really fun and came out decent. Certainly not perfect but that wasn’t the point. Thankful to have accomplished that and looking to do some more of those together, maybe with Q this time.
Got plenty of outside time. Drove to Plymouth Beach with Bella just to take a ride. We walked on the oceanfront near a closed down strip of what used to be a parking lot. We didn’t pass anyone the whole time, but it was nice to see and smell and feel the ocean. Thankful for the time to connect with B, even though we didn’t talk a ton.
Did grocery shopping for the week. Strange experience. The store is limiting the amount of shoppers so I had to wait outside in line. Everyone stayed a few feet apart and were mostly patient. Inside, nearly everyone was wearing a mask. I’d say 2/3 of the shoppers were so equipped. While I was loading up the car, I noticed the parking area was freshly landscaped. I caught a deep smell of mulch, which is a tell-tale sign of spring around here. I’m grateful for that smell and for the reminder that some things are continuing.
Speaking of landscaping, I spent much of yesterday in our yard, cleaning up. I cut back the underbrush by our driveway by about 10 feet. It’s a nasty area of thick, unruly and unsightly weeds that make keeping the yard attractive more difficult. I suited up and spent a couple hours working on that. It felt good as it always does to work with my hands. Afterward, I sprayed the weeds on the patio and Dave Purdy came by for a bit. We sat across from each other and chatted for a bit. I lit the firepit by myself and did some reading for a while. It was nice outside and felt good to sit next to the warmth on an afternoon when the sun was out.
4/10/20: Had a cool Teams call with Jim Peluso yesterday. Haven’t really connected with him since the work at home started. He’s one of my best friends at the office and one of the folks I admire the most at Hasbro. It was nice to ‘see’ him and as always, I took something away from our conversation. He’s a positive influence and resourceful. Thankful we connected at that time, I needed it.
Last night we all stayed up a bit late together and talked. Bella and Lisa mostly were working on a family tree. Bella filled out an online template she found and seemed to really enjoy the process. Quincy even got involved for some laughs and has finally started to learn some of the tentacles of Lisa’s side of the family. It was really sweet and something that probably would not have happened were it not for the quarantine. Another thing to be grateful for.
I’m doing well with my eating and ok with exercise. I wasn’t quite as active this week, but did manage to get out for several walks, a bit of dumbbell work and several days of pushups and squats. I’m definitely feeling better. Today I put on an old t-shirt I haven’t worn in months as a measuring stick and it fit pretty well. I’m staying away from the scale, but seeing and feeling the results each week. Grateful most of all for that.
4/8/20: Took the afternoon off work yesterday. It’s been weird, and I’m very lightly scheduled. That said, it feels odd to step away for a day off, when most everyday is spent this way. Nonetheless, I felt like Bella needed some support and sunshine/movement/fresh air are always positives. Q came along and we drove to Borderland Park in Easton. She also drove, which is another regularity she was missing. We spent a good amount of time just exploring and walking the trails. Ran into Paul Wabrek, who was out biking. We took some longer trails and she was getting tired near the end, but we found our way back before it got too rough. On the way home, she stopped and got a frozen drink at Taco Bell for her and Q. I definintely think it helped all of us, and she seemed to be in better spirits the rest of the night. Thankful I had the time and inclination to spend extra time with her and that she responded.
4/7/20: Into week 4 of the home quarantine. I think Bella is struggling a bit. She’s seemed a bit depressed the last couple days and somewhat up/down. I know it isn’t unusual and I’m hopeful she will open up more about it, so we can talk. I tried getting her out yesterday to take a drive, but she passed. The weather was nice and today is supposed to be even warmer, so I will try again to get time with her and check in. Overall, everyone has been holding up well and I’m thankful we have been stable so far. Got out for some hiking with Q at a new spot down in Berklee. Not the greatest place to hike, but it was very lightly populated and I snapped a couple pics with him while we walked. Always thankful for time to connect with him. He’s been doing really well despite not being challenged at all on the school side.
4/6/20: Finished another weekend with solid eating habits. Avoided junk, ate reasonable portions and got myself moving. I did 100 pushups yesterday and the day before went for a 3.5 mile walk with Lisa and her fitness crew. It was a bit too ambitious for my taste, but it pushed me and I felt the work, which I needed. Definitely feeling like I’m dropping a couple pounds and looking a bit better. Grateful for the mindful focus lately.
Worked on music again over the weekend with Lisa and Bell. We learned the Love Gun song and have it down pretty strong. Yesterday, I spent an hour with Bella learning ‘Only Exception’ by Paramore, her favorite band. It was fun and she is such a great musician, even at partial effort. Later in the night, Lisa joined us to add some more vocals. Our goal is to practice a few more times and then record the songs this week to share, like many have been doing during the quarantine period. Grateful to be connecting with my family through music and to be creative during this downtime.
4/5/20: Had a long chat with Dave Malekpour yesterday. We caught each other on FB and started catching up. It was really nice and I enjoyed the exchange greatly. I think Dave is feeling some stress around his business, as many are these days. He’s worked 30+ years building something really cool and seeing it drop off so sharply and quickly is scary. I think I was able to provide him a bit of comfort and we talked a lot about our shared history, families, health and music. I am grateful to have crossed paths with Dave in my personal and professional lives. He’s a big hearted, smart, talented dude and has made my life better. It was nice to be able to ‘share’ and connect with someone in these times, even remotely.
4/4/20: Sat in on a masterclass with Leo Babauta yesterday. It was really cool to see him ‘virtually’ as I’ve been reading his words for some time now. He talked about recognizing the feeling of uncertainty and being able to ‘feel’ it in your body, and drop into it, even briefly. I kinda got what he meant and even experienced it last night. After dinner, we were doing a family movie and I was really tempted to snack, even though I was not hungry whatsoever. That concept is not foreign to me :0 — that said, when it happened, I did what Leo suggested. I tried to drop into my body, specifically my abdomen. Not because it was hunger, but because often that is where you can feel these emotions. I felt the discomfort and was able to breathe through the feeling and not react to it. It came back several times during the movie, and I’m pleased to say I was able to stay mindful. I’m grateful to have passed that test, if even just for one night and grateful to have connected with Leo, even just online.
4/3/20: Focusing again on the so called ‘little things’. We’ve been eating terrific dinners every night. We’ve also been walking together a lot and occasionally running. I’ve been sending texts to old friends deep in my contact list that I don’t regularly speak with. Trying to make an effort to connect with people, since it means more than ever.
I learned yesterday from Ed, that we should be eligible for the stimulus checks the government is sending out to support the economic devastation that is underway. We are lucky enough to not really need it, but I plan to put it towards Bella’s 3rd school semester, since we most likely won’t be able to sell our property anytime soon. Grateful for the extra funds and to inch closer to the goal of supporting her through a second full year without loans.
4/2/20: Grateful for basic life necessities. Clean water, heat and electricity, great food and a warm bed every night.
Worked on the KISS song with Lisa and Bella yesterday. We jammed it through just a couple times but it sounded pretty good right away. Bella actually played acoustic guitar and surprised me with how fast she was able to play. She’s such a naturally gifted musician, like Lisa. I got everything setup through the PA and we even took some video to try and get the presentation right. Aiming to rehearse one more time and then record a live pass to share, like many are doing during the pandemic. Small connections like this are awesome.
4/1/20: Continuing to have success with controlling my desire to eat. I got out and walked with Quincy through the woods as well as pushups and some squats. I’m proud and grateful that I haven’t given into the cycle of eating that being at home all day might motivate. I’m feeling a bit better and noticing some small changes in my face and body. I am purposely not weighing myself as that can be a detriment to my process. Goal is to get back down to 235/240. That’s the healthy weight I felt my best for the last several years, while still enjoying myself.
We’ve been doing family movies since the lockdown and yesterday Bella picked The Breakfast Club. Awesome movie that stands up through the years. That’s been one of the positive activities since the quarantine started, among many.
3/31/20: Heard yesterday from Gary Lorimer that Mike Vogel had passed away. I hadn’t spoken with him in many years, but growing up, he was my very first best friend. Our families were super close until my folks divorced and I can remember spending so much time with them. Not sure about the details, but GL indicated he had trouble with alcohol, which his dad also struggled with. I’m grateful for my relative health and that booze is not something I’ve had real issues with.
Got out for another run with Q yesterday. We ran his XX-track course over by the high school. It was nice to get out, especially with him as my partner. He has to basically dial it way back to keep within sight of me, running behind him, but he seems willing to do so. He’s supportive and I’m so proud of what he’s accomplished with his running. I think he’s going to grow into a leadership role on the team, once they resume activities next season.
I spent some time practicing along with a drum track I found online. I had been learning ‘Love Gun’ organically and Lisa said she would do a version of it with me to share, during the lockdown. So I started playing with a disco vibe version, along with this funk drum track I stumbled on. It was really fun to jam that way, with just a loop. I felt kinda creative and free on the instrument, which is something I never really experience. Thankful to have had that feeling and to see if I can create more of it.
3/30/20: Today marks the start of week #3 @ home. We’re all hanging in and doing our best to remain together. Took a bit of a rainy walk with Lisa yesterday early in the day. The rest of the afternoon was a wash out, so we were genuinely homebound. I taught Bella how to play cribbage and dominoes over the weekend. It was fun to have something to help pass the time and it gave us a chance to sit and connect together. During cribbage, we had a couple drinks together, which was kinda fun and led to a few laughs. I don’t want to become a parent who parties with their kid, but I think on occasion, it’s appropriate and ok. I also got some time with my bass, which was nice. I played through most of our set, even some of the older songs. I also learned ‘Love Gun’ and am starting to work on some new songs. Eventually, we will rehearse again and I want to have a bunch of new material, to take advantage of the extra time we have now. Mostly, I’m grateful for having a solid week of eating and moving. I started feeling an improvement and even made it through most of the weekend without overdoing it. Aiming to keep that momentum going into the new week.
3/29/20: Doing a good job lately of staying active. Over the last few days, I’ve done some home workouts with Bella, stretched semi-regularly, taken a few walks, ran the cross country path with both kids and yesterday took my bike out. I’m feeling a bit more energetic and fit than I was last week.
Also been doing a good job with preparing food at home and consuming less. Staying away from the heavier snacks and eating more fruit and slightly smaller portions.
Trying to reach out to random people in my contact list to check in. I enjoy taking a few minutes to see how folks are doing and hopefully it makes them feel some sense of connectedness.
Not as productive as I would have liked on the music front overall, but last night I picked up my bass and ran through the set at a good volume, which felt pretty good. I’d like to get some focus to learn the remainder of the songs in our list so that by the time we rehearse again, we can have a solid list of new songs in place.
The quarantine has been emotional for probably everyone, me included. Early on, it made me question some of my life decisions. Shrinking 401k, job insecurity and societal panic will make that happen. That said, I’ve manage to find lots of awesome in the downtime. Whenever I talk with people I try and remind them of the perspective we are all getting from this experience. Many walk around complaining about the mundane ways of ‘regular’ life, though most would like nothing more than to return to that relative sanctuary. It’s a nice reminder about being grateful for what we have and not taking even small niceties for granted.
3/24/20: Hiked at Massasoit with the family yesterday. Been trying to ‘move’ some each day and also get fresh air. Doing ok being homebound for the most part. I think Bella is struggling more than she lets on, but not sure how to help her. Grateful for the continued time together and for basic necessities like good food.
Lisa got laid off from Patriot this week. Like lots of people, business are cutting their staff and laying them off so they can collect unemployment benefits. I know she was hurt by it and she’s been working for Dave there close to 20 years. I’m sure it was hard for him to reach that decision, but I’m hopeful it will lead to a positive outcome in time. I’m thankful for the support he’s shown her over the years and I know they have a strong bond and friendship. Grateful for my position at Hasbro and our financial position, as compared to many who aren’t so lucky.
3/23/20: Just at the one week mark for the quarantine. Over the weekend, I ventured out a couple times. I took Bella to Assumption to bring all her stuff home. The school decided to close for the remainder of the semester, so she will be finishing her freshman year at home.
I also went to Rick’s Music, to drop-off a chromebook for a kid in need of @ home lessons.
Overall, there seemed to be lots of folks out and about. I’m kinda thinking that too many are not taking the situation to heart and sheltering at home, except for food/medicine type activity. Many states have initiated a lockdown and I think that will eventually happen here. I hope sooner than later. Everything I read and surmise about the virus indicates the spread rate needs to be brought under 1:1 before it will subside meaningfully. It’s a tough road for everyone, as we are not used to anything but instant and convenient everything. I’m grateful everyone at home is still healthy and pray that the tide will stem soon enough, for things to settle down. The economy is hit hard and that is going to cause ancillary effects, even beyond the health situation, for many. The sooner we clamp down on behavior, the sooner we can get past this. Sorta like the ‘half-measures’ referenced in Breaking Bad, though in a more positive context here 🙂
3/20/20: Q turned 14 yesterday. We made his favorite dinner, steak and mashed potatoes and Lisa made brownies for dessert. We also played Monopoly during the afternoon, which he has been asking to do for a while. It was nice to be together again and everyone is holding up pretty well, all things considered. Grateful for a house full of food, healthy family and plenty of time together.
My mom came by yesterday to ask for help submitting an unemployment claim. Her company is temporarily closed, like many, so they laid her off so she can collect. I filled out the online app for her, which of course was terribly designed and unclear. It was nice to help her with something that she cared about, even though it was simple for me to do so.
3/19/20: Enjoyed another family day at home. Took a walk with Lisa after lunch and the sun was strong and it felt warm. We also ventured out to the grocery store for the first time. The shelves are much more bare than usual and it was a good reminder about the abundance we have all gotten used to. It wasn’t horrific by any means and I’m thankful we were able to stock up on healthy foods while we are hunkered down here for at least a few more weeks.
We also got a game called jackbox, which you install on a computer and everyone uses their phones as remote controllers. It’s trivia, drawing and other family fun type games we can all play together. Nobody really has an advantage and it’s a nice way to pass the time with a comfortable interface that makes it easy from any spot in the living room. We all laughed and I was thankful to be together.
3/18/20: Had another solid day of food consumption yesterday, despite being home bound. I talked with Lisa about staying away from Target for a few weeks and she agreed it was probably for the best. We also talked with the kids about staying put as much as possible and they understood the importance. Grateful for such an awesome family and for this time together. I know it’s gonna be a challenge and everyone, including me, wants a return to ‘normalcy’ asap. That said, I’m thankful we are together and hope we look back on this someday as an experience that made us a better, closer family and society.
3/17/20: Day 2 of the imposed ‘distancing’ scenario. No office hours and today a ton of business are also closing. I did T20 for the first time in years yesterday, in an effort to be productive. I did terribly and it was hard not to beat myself up. That said, I’m proud that I at least put the DVD on and tried it. I also had a good day of eating, which is really where I need to improve most. Grateful for everyone at home being healthy and for the extra time and bandwidth that has come my way, even if I’m being challenged to use it.
3/16/20: Corona continues to be all consuming. In addition to the sports leagues and most offices, they are limiting the opening of businesses officially. All restaurants and bars are limited to take-out only for 3 weeks. All the music venues, gyms and theaters have been shut down as well. Mass and RI schools are out until April 6th at least. We are all home for the foreseeable future. I’m grateful everyone here is healthy and we have everything we need to ride out the quarantine for now. I’m also thankful that most people seem to be in favor of prioritizing public health over commerce.
I’m setting a challenge for myself to use the new found time in my calendar to pay attention to health, creativity and Rawkstars. I’m going to post pics in our Hasbro Team channel to have some accountability towards these items, over the next few weeks.
Yesterday, we had The Fam over for my mom and Q’s bdays. It was the first time we saw Randy in a couple weeks and he seemed to be doing much better. He lost a bunch of weight and was in good spirits. I’m thankful he is doing well and taking the chance to reset on his weight. I’m still struggling but was grateful to see the changes he has implemented in the last few weeks.
3/14/20: Things are swirling everywhere regarding the Coronavirus. All the sports leagues have shut down, something I never have seen. Hasbro is sending us home for 2 weeks and all the schools, including Bella’s and Q’s are doing the same. On one hand, it’s odd and even a bit scary to think about what is happening and the possible spread. On the other, it’s kinda refreshing to see so many react in the betterment of public health instead of capitalism. The stock market is in the tank and it’s incalculable how many businesses and families are losing tons of money. Grateful everyone at home and everyone I know is healthy at the moment.
On Thursday, I also got my bonus for 2019 from Hasbro. It was much better than last years and really came at a time when we needed it. We were able to pay our credit card off and stash away enough money to have most of what we will owe come July, for Bella’s 3rd school payment. I realize we are not rich, but are certainly in a much better financial position than most of the world. Thankful.
3/12/20: Spent some time yesterday formatting my saved list of ‘5150’ topics. About a year ago, I had an idea that when I turned 50 I wanted to share a list of thoughts/observations/beliefs with Bella and Q. I started collecting high level stuff I came across that I thought fit the bill. My plan was that I would work on writing a few lines/paragraphs about each topic but until now, it was just a pile. It’s still mostly a pile, but I did take an hour to format and groom it slightly. I actually had over 100 items in the list, so my next task might be to group and pare down the list to the best 50. Actually, I’ll probably do 51, so that I can be clever and use the Van Halen ‘5150’ album title for the post. Small step, but a step. Grateful for taking a step.
I also officially submitted a proposal and budget to MSO to extend the Rawkstars music programming by a full year. I mentioned this concept below, and after a few days of working on it, I submitted my best bet. Fingers crossed on this, it would be a huge step forward for RS and our program. Thankful for the chance to take this path, even if it gets rejected, I’m learning about this process.
I also got an email back from Timber Hawkeye! A week ago, I sent him a note through his newsletter. He asks people if they would like to have him speak at their event/group and I put out there the idea of speaking at the prison. I got a personal email from him saying he would do it, if we could arrange the schedule. I noticed that he was visiting the area a few months ago, so I proposed we align it with that visit. So incredibly excited, as he is one of my favorite thinkers and writers. I’m going to follow up with MSO to see if we can pull it together. Super thankful for the offer and prospect of connecting with him for this purpose!
3/11/20: It’s been a productive week at work lately. I don’t often talk about Hasbro here, but after transitioning to a new team last month, things have been more positive. I like working and meeting with new people. I’m learning a bit about a new space, called consumer insights. I’m also training people on processes from the ground up, which is refreshing. Grateful for a fresh perspective here, and my new boss (who has also been a friend) also feels nice.
3/10/20: Took a run yesterday for the first time in a while. It was really warm out and I was motivated, again, for the first time in a while. Got home, changed and headed to the track at BP. Ran only a mile, but it felt good to move my body and struggle a bit. When I got back home, things changed. I got really bad back pains and had trouble moving without pain. I stretched and rolled and used the heating pad, none of which gave relief. After a few hours of terrible discomfort, I took a bunch of advil and went to bed. Surprisingly, laying down really helped. I slept well and this morning felt a ton better. I’m grateful to have gotten motivated yesterday and also grateful for my body’s ability to bounce back. I’ve been in a rough spot with my weight and health the last several months and need to turn a corner.
I found out about my Hasbro bonus yesterday and was surprised with the amount. It’s nearly back to what it was 2 years ago, before we crashed last year. It’s a big deal to the family and will give some much needed traction towards paying some bills, and getting closer to the July payment for Bella’s school. I really am thankful to have found this job 5+ years ago. When I think back to where I was mentally at Digitas, it’s such an improvement. Thankful for the reminder and for the financial help the bonus will bring.
Got some news from MSO yesterday about the phase 2 budget I proposed to continue the music program. Initially, I had been told if I kept the cost under $10k, it would be approved without any RFP process, so I tweaked things to that level. Crystal found out that it’s $10k within a calendar year, which means we have already exceeded that amount, considering phase #1. She suggested I frame up a budget for a full 12-months, since I’ll have to go through the process anyways. She also said she thought it would get approved in a few weeks. I’m going to have to regroup a bit with the instructors and dates, but I think it’s an excellent development overall. It will bring additional resources into Rawkstars and give us a much longer runway for planning and executing an awesome program. There should be flexibility to add and modify things along the way and I’ll have some leeway to make changes that I’d like to implement. Super grateful for the opportunity to undertake this process and see if we can make it happen.
3/9/20: HM rehearsal yesterday. For the first time it was just ‘meh’. We had some sound issues as Crissy and Chuck both have new instruments and configurations. We tried out a couple new songs (Foolin and Wasted Years) and I think the Iron Maiden track is probably too frenetic to fit the acoustic approach, unless we really strip it back. I hadn’t rehearsed very much in the last few weeks, so my fingers were also in rough shape. Regardless, I love getting together with the guys and look forward to all our rehearsals greatly. Equipment, song selection are all part of the process so I’m grateful we are going through these as they indicate growth for us as a band.
Someone scraped the side of my car yesterday while I was in Market Basket with Q. I came out and saw the damage. I’m thankful that I didn’t lose my cool and it didn’t phase me near as much as it probably would have a few years back. I’m most certainly going to have overhead to get it sorted out and already filed an insurance claim. That said, it’s a small bump and I’ll figure out a way to absorb the time and money that will be needed to get past it.
Went and saw a Journey cover band with Lisa on Saturday. They were ok and we met up with some of her bandmates at the gig. It was nice to get out for a bit and have fun, with music as the backdrop. I’m forever grateful that my wife is equally in love with music as I am. It’s something we can always share and enjoy together, no matter what.
3/7/20: Bella came back last night for spring break. We took the kids out to Boneyard for wings. It became a bit of a mess, after Q got angry with me and became belligerent. When we are all together there is a tendency to get snippy, mostly in good nature, but it went a bit too far. I wound up getting annoyed and told him so. I typically don’t get flustered and say things like that but for whatever reason, I escalated with him. He was quiet the rest of the dinner and again when we got home and all watched ‘Riverdale’. He was clearly angry and spent the next hour in his room, in bed. Bella tried to coax him out a few times, and finally went to his room, which he had locked. She came back out very upset and told me to go talk with him. I did that, but still was fairly annoyed about the whole thing. We talked/argued for a while and eventually we hugged and I hope he felt better. He basically told me I regularly ignore him and don’t answer when he asks things. It hurt. He eventually came back out of the room and seemed better. We hung together for a while before I went off to bed around midnight. I’m grateful to have such caring kids. Bella was clearly upset about her brother and helped things along towards resolution. Hearing what Q said made me feel pretty bad, but I’m glad we were able to talk it out and be open with each other.
I had lunch with Chris Weekly down in Plymouth. He’s a good friend and I always enjoy connecting with him, even though it’s infrequent. We talked about family, RS, work, health, music, etc. I’m grateful that Chris and I crossed paths at Upromise. He’s super smart and caring and genuine. I’m happy we got to have lunch and reconnect after not seeing each other for over a year.
3/6/20: Dave Purdy came by last night. He offered to assist me with some tech issues w/r/t my new website. He’s always been such a great guy and super willing to lend a hand, no matter what the task. Couldn’t have asked for better neighbors when we moved to the house and he and his family are all amazing people. Truly grateful for his friendship and for so many people in my life willing to lend a hand.
3/5/20: Yesterday was my mom’s bday. I talked with her via text in the morning to wish her a good day. We aren’t super close on a regular basis but I’m thankful for all she’s brought to my life. Growing up, I was definitely a tough kid to manage but she stayed with me through lots of crap that some wouldn’t have. I wish we communicated and connected better but I’m grateful that her health is solid and that we have grown closer together as we’ve gotten older.
3/3/20: Went to see Kingfish jam at a small club in Providence last night. Went with Kevin, who I haven’t seen in a while. Had an awesome time connecting. We went to East End first for a couple of drinks and then to the gig. Kingfish was incredible. He is a ‘blues’ guitarist, but very rock oriented. He plays with a super strong energy and his licks are very heavy. His tone was more subdued and ‘small’ but the fury and combinations reminded me of Gary Moore, no small compliment. Grateful for awesome live music in my life and long-time brothers like Kev to share it with.
I also had a meeting yesterday at PACT with Crystal and the Special Sheriff. They approved our second round of music programming!! I am putting in some small changes to the budget, but it seems we will be cleared to begin round #2 in the next couple weeks. We are going to add some new layers to the program, the most exciting of which is an open mic feature. I want to bring outside musicians and business folks to the unit to share music with the guys, but equally as importantly, their stories. I’m hopeful this will result in a very personal, intimate, safe time for them to connect and learn from successful people they can respect. Jonas gave me some leads on local hip hop folks, as I want it to be geared towards a culture and music that they can see themselves in. Beyond thankful for my relationship with everyone at PACT and for the chance to make a small impact on some deserving folks who wouldn’t otherwise have one.
3/1/20: Attended Victor’s funeral services yesterday. While it was an awful reason to see everyone, it’s always a great experience to connect with so much of the family. I spent time talking with Rob, Imran, Kevin Bento and lots of other folks I don’t see often. So very thankful to be part of such a great family unit.
Got an email from PACT about a follow up meeting on Monday with the Special Sheriff to approve our proposal for phase #2. I’ll be heading in tomorrow afternoon to try and make that a reality. Fingers crossed and feeling optimistic about another 4 months worth of music programming for the guys and Rawkstars.
Shot out a few FB posts over the last few days after months of inactivity. I’m trying to gear up for the Rawkstars campaign over the next few months to attempt to convert 300 subscribers. I basically just asked people to ‘like’ our new business page and I updated some of the photos on my personal page. I want to make a clearer separation between my own profile and the RS activity. At some point, I’d like to see if I can get a social media intern to help. Grateful to have had such a great response to the posts. Nearly 450 people have liked the RS business page and I teased some of the forthcoming RS posts. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to get the subscriber base up to the level we are aiming for, but it’s nice to have a kickstart already and be moving towards the goal, however deliberately.
2/28/20: After pushing out the new Rawkstars site a few days ago, I ‘soft-launched’ the Fan Club campaign with the list of 30 pledgers from the Iron Maiden giveaway last year. I dropped an email to that list and so far have 10 members signed up. Long way to go to 300 but it feels really good to put it out there in the world, after such a long journey. I think it’s going to help me put the OMG debacle in the rear-view mirror as well, for which I am most grateful.
Had an office visit from my friend Jim Peluso yesterday. He’s one of the folks at Hasbro I like and respect most. He told me that he was inspired by the prison project so much that he is considering a teaching assignment at a RI facility. I showed him a raw piece of footage Jonas sent me from the graduation.
I also had a brief, email conversation with Crystal about next steps at PACT. I asked her if we could keep the formal agreement between me, and MSO. I felt a bit odd about the conversation but want to keep the long-term plans for RS in mind. I think this is another area where the OMG debacle is influencing my thinking. That said, I felt good about our conversation and I’m hopeful to have a meeting with the Special Sheriff next week to formalize phase #2.
2/26/20: Our cousin Victor passed away yesterday. It was quite unexpected and Lisa didn’t really have any details yet. It was quite unexpected and he was only 52/53. He graduated with Randy. Sounds like he had a heart attack. I know he was a big guy and probably didn’t take great care of himself, but dying that young is a tragedy by any measure. Victor was a bit of an awkward guy but had a big heart and loved his family. When we were kids, he was a character. He drove around town in a tiny Fiero. He was in good shape and worked as a male dancer. He rolled with an interesting crowd! As we got older, his love for the family shone through. He came by our place one time and got into a deep conversation with Quincy about Star Wars. They both disliked episode 8 and he connected with Q on that subject. He also brought me a collection of Kiss action figures to donate to Rawkstars. It was kinda odd but sweet nonetheless. Another thing I remember is his love of cigars. He shared one with me many years ago at a party. From then on, he always came armed with a bag of them and made a point to give me one. I didn’t really have the heart to tell him I didn’t care much for smoking them anymore, but it was another sweet gesture on his part. I’m guessing we’ll be attending some services in the next few days with the family. I’m sure it’s rough on his mom and all his brothers and sisters. They are a strong family and very close. I’m grateful to have known Victor and for the perspective his death has given me today.
2/25/20: Yesterday was the PACT showcase. Wow. It was a truly magical event and I couldn’t have wished for anything better. We had a dress rehearsal on Sunday and it helped immensely. The guys got their butterflies out and we had a chance to setup the equipment and walk through our planned itinerary. Lisa came with me and we arrived pretty early, as I usually do for things like this. Everyone was in a great mood and I could feel the energy when we entered the unit. All the guys were smiling and loose. When we got downstairs, I put the PA and equipment in place and got everything up and running. There was a buzz of activity from Maureen and John, as well as Meredith and the PACT staff of course. Lots of people poked their heads in to see what we were up to and the guys got a chance to rehearse a couple of the songs.
At around 12:30 all the guests started filing in and we had a room of about 75 people. I got a chance to finally meet the Sheriff and he had a commanding energy, that I hadn’t quite expected. He kicked off the ceremonies with some words. He mentioned some of the points I had planned to make, but it was quite powerful. He was a polished speaker and a tough act to follow. He said some very kind words and I was humbled. He introduced me, and though I had to reshuffle what I had been planning, it went off more than fine. I focused on the guys and how amazing they had been. The transformation I had seen in them and their commitment to the program. I kept the comments brief and we got started with the music.
The songs were performed even better than they had been at the rehearsal. I could really tell how much the guys practiced and got themselves mentally ready. It was impressive. I had the sound under control and I was happy with the mix. I made a mental note about the fact that I had been humping band gear and mixing for as long as I could remember and was still doing it, even at my own event at 49 🙂 – I’m actually glad to identify as the sound guy, even though it adds to my plate in scenarios like this. The whole thing was kind of a mix of all my life personas at once. Sound guy, entrepreneur, connector of people, organizer, musician.
The music was kick-ass. Each of the musicians brought tons of energy and passion to the performances. The songs were moving as hell and by any standard, well put together. John and Maureen deserve so much credit for making a difference in the lives of those guys.
By any measure, I’ve been beyond fortunate in the number of musical experiences I’ve had that were profound. I’ve gigged all over the world, at venues big and small, with amazing acts and people. Through Rawkstars, I’ve also gotten to experience families and kids and lifelong friends, coming together through music to put so much love into the world. Yesterday was another on a long list of incredible experiences of humanity, music and positive energy. I couldn’t be more grateful and humbled to be part of all of it.
2/23/20: Went with Quincy to see Ice Cube, down at Mohegan Sun. I bought the tickets spontaneously. I’ve had a rough emotional state recently with the issues with OMG and spending a night hanging with Q felt like an awesome thing to show me how great lie is. The show was fun and we had a good time together. I booked us a room nearby which also turned out well. Instead of focusing on saving money and driving straight home so late, we (I!) was able to really relax and be present. Grateful.
2/21/20: Yesterday, I got a couple emails that hit me hard, not in good ways. First, I got a response from Jamie at OMG, regarding the months long billing disputes. Her response was extremely adversarial and my hopes of coming to a calm resolution for RS feel dashed. I had a hard night as a result and didn’t sleep well. I’ve been living with such a sense of shame. I feel like I let myself down, as well as did a terrible job as caretaker of the RS money. I didn’t manage the project well nor my timeliness in dealing with this sooner and more clearly. I’m most likely going to have to resort to a lawsuit, which makes my stomach churn. On a positive note, Lisa and my boss Aaron both lent me personal comfort, in the form of their words. I know everything they said is right, but it’s difficult living with the burden of failure I am feeling. It’s given me perspective on how others express shame, over sexual assault, financial issues or other events that don’t seem to be their fault to outsiders. I will use this lesson to have more empathy going forward. I also came to the realization today that I will use my own money to cover the losses RS has seen from this ordeal. At least that is a step I can take to remove some of the weight from my shoulders.
Secondly, I got a note from Bob, saying that he still hasn’t found a new place to live, despite giving him an extension to vacate. He was gracious in his words and offered to pay an extra $200 per month until they leave. I don’t have a lot of options here and am going to have to allow him to stay, and cross my fingers he finds something in the next month or two. I’m grateful he is continuing to pay and take care of the property. The main issue is that we had hoped to get the PV property on the market come spring, in an effort to have enough money to pay for Bella’s second year at Assumption. That is in jeopardy now and wholly out of my hands, in terms of the timing. We may have to look at other options in terms of loans to buy more time. I know it’s not the end of the world, but the ongoing wait and uncertainty has taken a toll on me emotionally and kept me unable to feel any momentum.
Yesterday, along with Sterling, we finally got the new Rawkstars website published. It’s been another burden I’ve been carrying and although I wasn’t able to feel much relief, due to the OMG issue above, it’s a big step nonetheless. My hope is that over the next several weeks, I can start to onboard some folks into our “founding member campaign”. It will get some money flowing into RS after a year+ of no fundraising to speak of. I’m hoping it helps me move beyond the awful experience as well and begin to take joy in collecting and sharing stories of the awesome families and kids we are lucky to be connected with. Sterling has been great to partner with along the way and I’m super thankful for his help and personally for his friendship.
2/15/20: Took Lisa to see The Linda Ronstadt Experience last night. It coincided with VDay, so it worked out nicely. Band was pretty good. They played at The Met, which is a venue we both really like. We grabbed cheap falafel sandwiches before and it was nice to get out of the house and see some music and connect. VDay isn’t usually a big deal in our house but I wanted Lisa to know I was thinking of her. Grateful to still be in love after 30+ years of being connected.
Talked a bit with Randy yesterday. He’s doing a bit better and his spirits seemed ok. I hope he’ll have some motivation to make changes once he is released, which I assume will be this week sometime.
I got the Phase 2 proposal formatted and sent over to PACT yesterday. It’s a lot of work coordinating with all the separate groups of people, but I feel good about what we are asking for. Everyone seems interested in continuing to work together and I’m hopeful we can get approval for the changes we want to make along with the financing to make it happen. I couldn’t be more grateful for the last couple months working with all these folks. They have made a huge impact on me and I’m very lucky to have been given the opportunity to work on this project, with all involved.
2/14/20: Yesterday was humbling. We visited PACT for a slate of interviews with the staff. We got to interview Crystal and Julie together. Then we got some footage of another CO on the unit that I hadn’t met before. Finally, we wrapped with Officer Snow and Josh Bowbridge, both of whom were fabulous. I didn’t do much but basically sat and listened to Jonas’ questions and helping setup slightly. Listening to the answers everyone gave was an absolute honor. Their words about the program, music and the guys in general were so fucking powerful. Jonas and Doga also got some really high impact footage of the unit and lots of activity. We are 10 days away from the graduation and things seem to be headed in a super positive direction on all fronts. I had a lot of 1:1 time with Josh to talk about next steps and my hope is to get approval for phase 2 of the program in the coming week or two. This has easily been one of the most rewarding projects I’ve ever contributed to and the creative energy from the film portion has only begun to take shape. I wish I could spend all my time on this effort and with partners like these. Grateful.
On another note, Lisa, Q and I visited Randy in the hospital. He was in a lot of pain and his legs looked awful. I was caught in an awkward spot of not knowing how to talk with him, which is basically all of our interactions. I didn’t want to bitch at him about his situation as I know that won’t move the needle or make him feel any better. He’s got to be embarrassed along with a host of other negative emotions. I tried to talk with him about the connection of his emotional state to eating and also the other areas of his life that effect his health, besides just food. I’m certainly no expert in solutioning, as I struggle on a daily basis to control and live with many of these same emotions. That said, I think I’m well versed in at least understanding and communicating about them. I left feeling pretty deflated as it’s hard to be reminded about failed relationships, especially with ones close family members. He did send me a nice text at the end of the night, which made me feel like maybe we connected a bit. For that I am thankful and hope for better days ahead with regards to Randy. He deserves to experience some happiness in his life and I hope he can find that.
Got the very first subscription transaction flowing through the new Rawkstars website. Sterling has helped tremendously and is a stark contrast to the working relationship I’ve had with OMG. It’s a great lesson for me and I am thankful for his help at every turn. Planning to push the site to production in the next few days, certainly by next week. Then begin the process of signing up 300 members and getting back to promoting the work of Rawkstars to previous levels.
2/13/20: Randy got sent to the hospital yesterday. He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart disease. He’s not been in the best of health these last several years. I know he lives with a lot of depression, anxiety, and stress. He also hasn’t taken care of himself physically and is quite overweight. It’s not a great combo and I’m sad to see him struggling. I talked with my mom and could tell she was super upset. I’ve always had a tough relationship with basically everyone in my family and Randy is no different. I love him dearly and am thankful for the times we had as young kids, when it wasn’t as hard.
2/12/20: Had an exam with the doctor last night. I’ve had this growing patch of red/dry skin on my left eyelid. It started small but has persisted and grown for a couple months now. I started actually getting a smaller one over my right eye, which began me worrying. I finally took the time to contact the doctor and a cancellation got me an appointment same day. Visited and after a brief exam, he told me it was similar to eczema, and probably would clear up with a bit of hydrocortisone creme. I actually bought some on the way home and after 2 applications, it already looks better. Super grateful that it was no big deal and thankful overall for decent health. I get caught up in my weight and looks a lot, but am fortunate to not have any major medical conditions. I am not on any meds and don’t even get sick very often. Was a good reminder about the state of my health.
2/11/20: Spent Sunday afternoon with Bella. Been missing her and took a drive up to Worcester. We went to the art museum for an hour, which was pretty cool. Then we grabbed lunch at this great burger place. We talked a lot and she was pretty open. I asked her about partying a bit, and it was a funny exchange to hear her talk about what she likes to drink. I’m glad she’s having fun at school and I’m certain she is doing so responsibly. It’s a good lesson for her to learn to be mature about drinking and things like that. She’s in a really safe environment and seems to have surrounded herself with great friends, as she has her whole life. Thankful she is close by and still likes spending time with her dad.
Played at Lisa’s gig on Saturday and had a fun time. Song went well. Imperfect for sure, but still awesome. They had a great turnout and I saw tons of cool people. After the gig we actually did a late night breakfast run with Louie, Virgil and Paul Galvin. It happened spontaneously but was really great. Lots of laughs and it was great to catch up with those guys, in that environment.
Work has been productive since my shift over to NPA. I’m enjoying the new space and meeting the new team members. Feeling more positive about work, at least for now, and will embrace it while it lasts. Dropped off taxes this week and approaching bonus season here at Hasbro in a few weeks. Feeling semi-positive about the trajectory and grateful for the state of my finances, even when I complain about them.
2/8/20: Had some plumbing fixed down at the Providence condo yesterday. Been on a nice streak of crossing tasks off my list since the new year. Grateful that we’ve had so little issues with the place down there and have such an amazing tenant in Evelyn. My friend Sterling also made great progress on the Rawkstars website and I’m hopeful we are nearing the finish line with the launch. It’s been too long since I’ve stoked the RS fires with our donors and I’m eager to see if we can make this Fan Club approach work, and see if we can make it to 20 years.
Jammed with Moonstruck to get ready for the UFO song. It was really fun. They are such a good band, it felt nice to unleash a bit. Took me one pass to get comfortable, since I haven’t played a real electric bass, loud or even standing up in about a year. Though to throw all that together in one pass but thankful I am able to push myself into something like that and do ok.
2/7/20: Met with Ed yesterday to drop off the taxes. Always a good conversation when we connect. I left with some good perspective and it felt unburdening to fill him in on all the projects and events that have been going on. I realized that we’ve known each other for 33 years. Funny, that I generally think of Ed as a more distant friend, but reflecting back, he actually knows me pretty well. We worked together at Good Vibes for crying out loud, so he knew me when I was still a wild teen. We stayed connected through my 20s and he was there at the outset of Rawkstars. He’s also been intimate with my financials for my entire adult life and I’ve had many conversations with him about investing, money, etc. I’m grateful for our friendship and happy for him that his life trajectory has changed for the better in recent years.
My friend Sterling has also been doing a ton of work on my new website, which is ever so close to being usable. It’s taken us a while but I’m super thankful to have someone I trust and truly like as a person involved with the project, especially given the situation I’m having with Jamie and OMG. It’s a lesson learned for me going forward.
Great conference call with Jonas and Brendan at PACT yesterday. Looks like we are going to be allowed to film some inmate interviews, with these 3 guys who have been working on an original song. It’s was super powerful to hear them play when we last visited and if we can include them in the doc it’s really going to be amazing. I literally almost broke out into tears while I was driving yesterday during the call, hearing that news. This project has taken hold of me.
2/4/20: Had a bit of a fight with Lisa last night. I was telling her a bit about meeting with Rick regarding the store and didn’t get too far. When she asked me if I was seriously considering it (which I could tell she was hopeful was not the case) I told her that sometimes I feel stuck, because the entire family relies so heavily on any decision I might make to change. She took that to mean I was unhappy and it basically went downhill from there. Hard to find gratitude in the exchange but I’m thinking the part I’m thankful for is a reminder of the life I have. Of course there are things that aren’t perfect and I do struggle some days/weeks with how I am spending so many of my days. That said, those choices have been my own and resulted in lots of positives for lots of people.
Started moving my desk yesterday, down to NPA, in anticipation of starting with my new team. I found a space to squat that I kinda like and brought some of my things over. I enjoy the fresh view of having a new physical spot and surroundings. Hoping it gives me a bit of a push here at the office and some energy to bring to my job.
Also got back to the gym after a rough Superbowl weekend of eating. Every time I make the choice to exercise, it’s always a good one.
2/3/20: Low key weekend for the most part. On Sunday, I woke up to a cold house. The furnace had shut down and the inside temperature was down to about 60. Luckily, I was able to get Dan, my HVAC friend that I met through Larry. He couldn’t make it down for a few hours, but being Sunday, I wasn’t complaining. Took Lisa and Q out to breakfast to escape the cold and kill some time. After a couple hours, he showed up and had it running within 10 minutes. It was a good opportunity to gain perspective about the fact that we enjoy heat. Not too long ago, it would have been considered a luxury to push a button and control the inside temp. I’m thankful we live in a time when personal comforts are aplenty.
I got a bit of time to work on some new songs. I learned Midnight Rider by the Allmans, which HM is going to tackle. It’ll be a great track for two guitar shredding. It also is a two voice harmony throughout the entirety of the song. Bass is just laying a simple groove and I’m looking forward to closing my eyes and hearing the band thoroughly. I also worked on the UFO song I’m going to play with Moonstruck. I have it down pretty well and look forward to playing with such a great band.
Lastly, I spent a few hours documenting and putting together my rebuttal for the credit card fiasco I have ongoing with OMG. It’s been an emotionally draining exercise for me. I’m thankful that I got a package of info together I feel good about and got it mailed out in time. Not looking forward to whatever the next steps are but grateful for now that I met my obligation and can wait to see their response now.
1/30/20: Had a nice run on the treadmill yesterday. Did 2.1 miles at a solid 12 minute clip. More importantly, I pushed myself to get to the gym and felt great afterward. Grateful for the mindful ability to make health focused decisions recently.
I got together with Mike last night to work on a song. He asked me to play a UFO song with Moonstruck at their upcoming gig. I’m honored to play with them of course and have been learning that song on the side. We basically just jammed through it a couple times and he pointed out some of the nuances I was missing in the solo section. Thankful for the chance to play with such an awesome band and to spend a bit of time with a friend playing and catching up.
Had lunch with John B about the PACT pilot. We haven’t had much time together since the project got underway and it was great to get his direct feedback. I am excited that he wants to continue working together on phase 2 as he brings such a great energy and expertise to the day to day process. There are some good ideas circulating about tweaks we want to make and the end of pilot graduation is starting to also take shape. I have a feeling that is going to be an exceptionally rewarding activity and I’m cautiously excited about the potential impact it will have on the administrative folks at the prison.
1/28/20: Big re-org / layoffs yesterday at Hasbro. I survived and it seems as if I will have a modified role. I’m going to be reporting to a new manager, my 4th in 5 years. I’ll be reporting to Aaron Katz, who I’ve been friends with for a few years. I was grateful to not get cut, but also that he arranged to bring me over to the new team he is spinning up. Still far too early, but envisioning the opportunity to work with some new folks and learn about new aspects of the business. It’s another reset for me here, but I’m looking ahead positively.
After getting home, I hit the gym and worked out some stress on the elliptical. Thankful that I had the mindfulness to remain on point, when I could easily have mailed it in.
1/27/20: Jam #2 with Heavy Mellow last night. Went great! We started 2 new songs, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and Perfect Strangers. I had been practicing both on my own for weeks. Everyone did their homework and both sounded awesome, almost on the first pass. It’s really the way rehearsal should go. Everyone has some alone time to learn the arrangements, then the jam is spent playing together and getting the details nailed down. Crissy was once again smooth and fit right in. Her playing is much more distinct and gives the band a new layer. Really psyched that transition seems to be coming together. Grateful.
Went out Saturday with Lisa to a 40th bday for one of her gym friends. I enjoyed going out and hanging with everyone, but lost control on the drinking side. I had one too many tequila’s and wound up getting too buzzed. I overate, drove when I probably shouldn’t have and felt awful when I got back home and the next morning. I’m hoping I move on from the experience and let it sit with me for next time. Don’t want to beat myself up, and yesterday was a fair rebound day. Back on the ‘one day at a time’ wagon starting this morning.
1/25/20: Yesterday was the second consecutive day that I spent time talking deeply with an old friend. I had coffee with Bob Mayo, after a couple texts the prior day. As mentioned below, I’ve been making a point to connect with people more this year and putting myself out there to make it happen. We met for coffee and just talked for a couple hours. It was nice. We of course discussed our kids and work but also music and upbringing, which was cool. It’s a nice feeling to listen and be attentive to others and something I’m consciously trying to get better at. I’ve always been a skilled talker, but not always good at really listening. I also got on the treadmill for a run during the afternoon. Grateful for that will to make that happen instead of just sinking in to the couch with some food. I wasn’t able to run as long/far as I had planned. I was aiming to possibly get 3 miles, but stopped at 1.75. On one hand I was disappointed but reminded myself that at one point a few years ago, running 1.75 miles would have been a huge accomplishment. I had a good sweat, my heart was really pumping and I felt good about having run. Not beating myself up for the distance or time. Thankful.
1/24/20: Visited PACT again yesterday and brought Joe Merrick. It was an inspirational visit, as it almost always is. Driving up with Joe was awesome and we really connected over many things. He told me some very personal things and we had a very human connection going as I also opened up to him, in an effort to share. Jonas met us and as usual, he provided such great creative thought and positivity. We met with Julie and Kerryn and also sat with a couple of the inmates, James and Roose, to get their direct feedback on the programming. We formulated some pretty exciting ideas to help shape round #2 and I was grateful for the time with the guys and their openness. Before we left, we were treated to a live performance by James and a singer named Keith. John B. accompanied on guitar, but the inmates played such a heartfelt piece of music it left all of us raw. Jonas was especially moved and immediately had some ideas about how to capture this for the documentary. We’re putting those plans into action and I’m hopeful they will result in an amazing piece of work. Super thankful to have this project up and running. It’s far from perfect but has brought me such positive energy and introduced me to some truly amazing folks, both at the prison and in the prison. It’s also deepened my relationship with everyone that I’ve introduced to it. Just awesome.
1/23/20: Had a nice hallway conversation with my friend Rich yesterday at work. Our other colleague, William, seemed unusually disconnected. I tried to give him some comforting words about things being ok, but he wound up leaving our conversation abruptly. I enjoy connecting with others at work, sometimes especially those I don’t know so well. The simple act of talking with someone can be so rewarding and fulfilling.
I’ve been making a point to increase the personal connections in my day and I also took Jason J. out to lunch. He’s a good guy and we have similar thoughts and goals at the office. I think we can work together on some things to improve the course for both of us and the company. We ate at Pantry and I am always thankful for the high quality food they serve there and for my ability to afford simple pleasures.
1/22/20: 2020 continues to be a positive one with regards to my heath and fitness. I’ve been logging my workouts, weighing in each Friday and eating mindfully most days. I’m down about 8lbs. and feeling/looking better than I have in a while. Grateful to have the tools to swing the momentum back towards balance after being off kilter for several weeks.
I’ve also been using the new Sam Harris meditation app, Waking Up. Sam has always been someone I’ve enjoyed listening to. I don’t agree with all his thoughts, but enjoy his ability to present and think so clearly. The app is really well comprised and he is excellent at guided meditations. I had gotten away from using guided tools for a while, but it’s helping me reset on my practice and I’m enjoying the process.
Weather has been brutally cold lately and I’m reminded of my good fortune to be living in a time when simple luxuries like heat are readily available. It’s not lost on me how fortunate I am to live in modern times and to be afforded such amenities.
1/17/20: Had lunch yesterday with Kevin Shea at Hasbro. He works as a producer in Cakemix and used to work at NESN, where we knew some of the same people. We ran into each other at the anniversary dinner before the holidays and I introduced myself. He expressed an interest in philanthropy and told me he had heard about Rawkstars from other co-workers. We talked a lot and have a ton in common. He started a really cool business for his autistic son, and I was so excited hearing his story. He gave me some good recommendations and I left our lunch with really positive energy. Thankful for the human connection and for my effort lately in making some.
Dropped another 2lbs today on the scale. That’s 3 weigh-ins with a minus. I feel good and building some awesome momentum. I was pretty far off the path and gained quite a bit in the second half of 2019, that will take me some time to recover from. That said, I’m taking it one day at a time and using that as a compass to get where I want to go. Aiming to lose 1lb. a week as regularly as possible. Got myself to the gym yesterday once again to ride the elliptical. I’ve been enjoying that process and grateful for every day when I can be mindful about my choices and prioritize my well being.
1/16/20: Had another nice gym session with Jerry. Visited his space over at Planet Fitness. Good to have a fresh perspective on exercising and I’m grateful to have another day under my belt.
Been making it a focus to connect with new folks at work lately and yesterday I went to lunch with Kathy Bartos. It was nice to get to know her a bit, after being on the same team for about a year. She had some good ideas about potentially working together that might take me in a new direction. I’m thankful for the human connection mostly and always enjoy eating with others and catching up.
1/15/20: Got an email from someone I barely know yesterday telling me she missed my blog posts. It’s a woman named Jana, who I met in Germany on tour with Fates Warning years ago. One of the underrated aspects of gigging all over the world is meeting random people at the shows. In this modern day, many of them become online ‘friends’ and you’re able to connect, sometimes in person when revisiting a certain town or venue. I can’t express enough how grateful I am for having this life experience and equally for the note Jana sent me. Knowing that someone I randomly interacted with through music actually misses my writing is incredible. Perhaps it will motivate me to share again in this medium?
1/14/20: Got to Yoga again at the temple last night with Jerry. Also did cardio at the work gym during lunch. Still feel like I’m trying to rebound from Saturday night, but thankful to have strung together some good meals and a few rounds of movement.
1/13/20: Really fun weekend. Friday I got to see Quincy run his 3rd mile. He ran a great race and finished ahead of the time he was trying to beat! 6:06. He was really pumped and it was nice to see him so proud of the accomplishment. Bella got someone to cover a few hours of her shift at Subway and came to watch also. Very sweet of her and I know it meant a ton to Quincy to have her make the effort.
Saturday, Chuck and I jammed with Crissy. It was incredible! They are so good together and it was so cool just to watch them play. I think it’s going to take the band to new places and I can hardly wait to rehearse this coming weekend.
In the evening we went to celebrate Lemmy’s 50th bday at the brewery in Easton. Some of the cousins were there though it was pretty low key for a family party. Those guys are so awesome to spend time with and I couldn’t be more grateful to be part of this family. It’s been a while since I spent time with Lemmy and it was very nice to connect with him. I had a couple beers and didn’t do a good job of eating mindfully. My schedule was abnormal, and after a few drinks I was super hungry. When we got home, I gorged myself in a drunk kinda way. That said, I tried not to beat myself up too much the next morning. I managed to get through yesterday with a solid day and put it in the rear-view mirror.
Yesterday, I drove Bella back to Assumption. It’s been amazing to have her at home for a month+. She was ready to go back and was productive at home. She worked and now has some money to hold her over for a bit. She spent time with her local friends and also made time for the family. She is getting a new roommate and I’m sure she will adjust well, even if it doesn’t become as solid of a friendship as she developed with Zoemi.
Lastly, over the course of the weekend, I managed to put some time into responding to a credit dispute with Capital One and OMG. That has been hanging over me for weeks and is a source of terrible stress. I don’t know how it will resolve but I was thankful to at least get some time to work on it and stop avoiding the process. Interestingly enough, it’s given me some insight and empathy for folks that struggle with money and debt. I can see how the shame and anxiety that comes from this type of issue can really derail someone without the tools and ability to deal with it. I’m hopeful we will come to proper resolution in the coming days.
1/10/20: Had a productive afternoon at work for the first time in a while. I’ve been doing better at being motivated and making progress on things in my control. Had a call with Jonas and have some cool plans for the documentary project that will come to fruition in the next few weeks. He has a great energy and I always leave our conversations feeling good. Grateful to have crossed paths with him and consider him a friend.
Took the family to Flatbreads Pizza last night. We had a gift card from Xmas and it’s probably our last chance to have dinner as a family before Bella heads back to school. Even though I’ve been trying to steer clear of pizza/bread/etc., I didn’t stress about it or push back on the idea. I realize that I need to be able to navigate these scenarios without getting derailed. My fitness journey is a lifelong one, and I’m glad for the fact that I love pizza. I ate pretty mindfully and didn’t gorge. Even left a few slices at the end and ate the middle slices which had less crust. I was satisfied by the food and didn’t beat myself up. Today I will get some exercise in and return to my pattern of having one good day at a time. I’m down at the last two weigh-ins and feeling better emotionally. Grateful.
1/9/20: Got to the gym again yesterday with Jerry. Also got outside during lunch for a brisk walk. The fresh air is something that I occasionally forget has such a positive impact. Gym was great and I reintroduced myself to the elliptical machine. I had done workouts on that when I first began my fitness journey, but haven’t used it in years. It’s really effective at getting your heart rate going rapidly, but also doesn’t impact my joints, like running.
I also had some afternoon time and connected with Ecem over coffee at NPA. We talked about the winter malaise and such and it felt good to hear from someone else who has been experiencing similar doldrums. In fact, I also spoke with Nirav the day prior and had a very similar conversation. Sometimes when you are feeling negative emotions it can be easy to think you’re the only one feeling them. It’s never the case and something about connecting with others and being open about it helps. My mindfulness practice continues to be helpful to notice the emotions and realize what they are. I’m grateful that I have others in my life who care about me and that I’m able to express myself with them on a personal level.
1/8/20: Q had his second winter track meet last night. He shaved 20+ seconds off his mile time and finished at 6:23. So very proud of him for all he is accomplishing. I know I’ve mentioned it here before but his physical, mental and emotional maturity has accelerated as a result of his participation in track. Super grateful.
I had an emotionally rough patch during the day, as has been happening recently. I was able to get passed it by embracing my mindfulness training. I understand that thoughts are ever-changing and the nature of them within consciousness is random, at best. They can be triggered by causes and conditions of course, but they remain simply thoughts. They pass, especially if you acknowledge and notice their temporary, random nature without judgement. I’ve been prone to periods of this kind of thinking over the years and am thankful I have improved my own capacity to deal with them, intelligently and without medications. I’m also grateful for my wife Lisa, as she is a very grounding person and without even realizing it, gets me through these episodes.
1/7/20: Went to Yoga last night with Jerry Bates. Last week I was thinking about looking for a gym partner to increase my accountability and I reached out to him. He was into the idea and asked me about yoga, which we had talked about in the past. I told him about the Monday class and we went together. It was good to help get me to the temple and also to share the experience with someone. I also managed to get myself to the Hasbro gym during lunch to start my second week. Grateful for the momentum I’ve built recently and for the friendship and support of others, like Jerry.
1/6/20: Over the weekend, I received the $15k grant from GBKF for Rawkstars. I’d been waiting for it for a few months and depositing it in the bank felt awesome. Over the last several months our account has dwindled greatly due to project work and lack of fundraising. It feels good to know we are solvent for a while longer and I have some room to get together on our 2020 Fan Club project to see if we can make that work. Super grateful for their support and for my old friend Dave Yuknat recommending us for the grant.
We attended Quincy’s first official winter track meet on Friday night. It was awesome to see him run again, at a competition. He had a really high bar set for himself to achieve a 6:11 mile, to get himself into the THS record book. While he didn’t get that time, he finished at 6:44, which was pretty amazing considering how short of a time he’s been running actively. I tried to talk with him after about giving himself credit and not being so hard on himself. Not sure how much that stuck, but I told him how proud I was of him and hope he got that message loud and clear.
Got some time to connect with old friend Crissy Azinarro yesterday over coffee. I emailed her asking about her interest/availability to play music with Heavy Mellow, so we got together to discuss. She is interested and I was really happy to hear that. We made great progress with the band last year and want to continue to grow musically with that project. I think she will be a great addition and am anxious to get back together with the guys to rehearse, after a month of downtime following the gig and subsequent holidays. Grateful to have talented folks in my network and even more grateful that some of them want to connect musically with me.
1/4/20: Grateful for a short interaction with Jim Peluso at work yesterday. As described below, I haven’t been in a great emotional state. I didn’t mention it in my list but I think another aspect is a lack of human connection. I haven’t felt like I connected with many people as of late, other than superficially. It’s become more of a struggle to get together with people as I’ve gotten older. I realize the value of it and how much I am wired to connect with people. I’d like to prioritize that more in 2020 and improve my relationships with a few close people. I was thankful for a few minutes with Jim, who is one of the few folks at Hasbro I do feel close with.
1/3/20: Got to the gym at Hasbro yesterday for the first time in a while. I pop in occasionally, for pushups or stretching, but haven’t changed and used it for a proper ‘workout’ in some time. Happy that I made it in another day and also keeping my eating in check. I weighed in today at 257.5, +12.5 more than where I started 2019. Not proud of it but trying to accept the reality and not beat myself up.
I’ve been internalizing a lot of stress lately. I think there are 3 major causes. Selling the house at PV and all the moving parts there. Lack of motivation and fulfillment at Hasbro. This credit card dispute with OMG. On the first point, there is such an unknown with regards to the Bell family. I don’t know what their plans are, when/if they are moving and what will happen with the Patnaude’s taking their spot. It’s a big financial ramification all around and I also don’t like the feeling of having such an impact on these families’ lives. It’s an aspect of landlording that I haven’t previously experienced and am not dealing with it particularly well. On the Hasbro side, it’s been a slow descent into mediocrity. I’m not engaged to a high degree with any projects, or people really. I have a few folks that I consider ‘friends’ here, but even those are basically within the confines of the office. I’ve developed a negative momentum to my day that I’m having a hard time breaking out of. Thought a lot lately about changing careers and the idea of purchasing a music store is currently what I’ve been swirling on. Lastly, I’ve had these looming credit card bills as a result of the poor interactions with OMG. I contested 2 of them and yesterday got a negative response for both from Capital One. 1 is clearly a 100% error and despite that being indisputible, they are pushing back. The second charge is contentious because of the date. It’s been weighing on me but yesterday I at least mustered the resolve to sit down with paper and write everything out. I also dropped an email to Jamie at OMG asking if we could connect to work it out. I’ve literally been losing sleep ruminating about it. Not sure what will happen, but I’m glad to have at least begun the process of working through it, which I had been putting off over the last few days.
1/2/20: Back at the office today after the long holiday break. Looking back, I didn’t accomplish much of what I may have thought possible. I did manage to get some movement in, and visited the gym 3x. The time with the kids was excellent. Having Bella around has been really nice and I’m super thankful to see her day to day. Also enjoy seeing Q work on his music and am getting a small bit of energy from him.
New Year’s eve/day presented a landlord issue over at PV. Toilet was leaking, fairly substantially. I went over to try and rectify the situation, not fully knowing what was happening. After some time there trying to get the flow valve to stop dripping, I resorted to calling in a plumber. Was feeling much stress from the process and it’s something I’m noticing more over time. I don’t like having other folks well-being in my hands and being responsible for taking care of their spaces. Not sure how I will extricate that from my life in the coming years, but it’s something I’m thinking about more often. I find it hard to change because of the financial value I’ve placed on owning the properties. Recurring theme in trading my own well being and contentment in favor of money.
