I use this space to write about things I am grateful for on a daily basis. I try to identify something that happened the prior day as a reminder of all the amazing people, activities and experiences I am blessed to enjoy. The format is loose but the intention is to develop a habit of gratitude to better frame my day and awareness over time. Most days, my morning routine includes some combination of (meditation / stretching / pushups / 4-7-8 breathing), drinking a glass of water, making a pot of strong black coffee, and writing a brief note below.
1/30/23: Continuing to take notes offline but decided to return here. Overall, I’m about the same as last update. I do feel somewhat improved and am not having days where things feel dyer. I tend to have stretches of feeling decent, perhaps even good, but they don’t last super long. I seem to be better in the evenings, but that’s not universally true. I’m taking Prozac and tonight will mark 2 full weeks. I realize that’s not super long so I’m hopeful I will continue to see progress each week. I’m also taking Mitrazapine now nightly @ 15mg, after starting at 7.5. I’ve been doing that for 3 nights now at the direction of my new prescriber. I’m not certain how that is effecting me, as I cannot discern what meds are doing what since I’m taking them together.
On the job side, I’m probably going to be doing a part-time schedule with Matt and Jeff at PeaceLove sometime in the next week or two. We met on Friday morning for breakfast to confirm. I’m not sure how it will go but thankful for their love and support and of course am hoping it might be a good fit. Trying to stay open to that possibility, as I really need some positive reinforcement in this area.
We’re also starting the DYS residency tomorrow, which is good news and the result of lots of time and work on my part. It’ll be a small source of income for me, which is nice at this time, and I’m also hoping to participate at least a little at the beginning before turning it mostly over to Malik and Rilla. They are both awesome guys and it’s a genuine blessing to have met them both through this process.
Lisa finished two weeks at her job last week and it seems to be going decently so far. She’s still doing lots of training and it’s a slow intake process. I’m sure before long she will be cranking away at the actual work stuff and be a pro in no time. I’m very proud of her for putting herself out there and taking this leap. It’s a great role model for me, as I continue on this journey towards whatever is next for me. I love her so damn much and am massively grateful for her support for me and the family, especially right now when we need it more than ever.
1/25/23: Continuing to take notes offline about how I’m feeling, etc. Things are going a tiny bit better I’d say. On Monday, I had a great stretch of time in the afternoon/evening where I nearly felt ‘normal’. That’s all I’ve been wanting of course and I must say it gave me some hope. I’m assuming my meds are taking some kind of hold, but also have to report it didn’t quite last. Yesterday I was back to feeling ‘ok’, not hopeless or in as much turmoil as prior days, but also not ‘normal’. The anxiety/depression manifests as a pall that you can feel all over and throughout your body. It’s like an energy field that keeps you from feeling how you usually feel. It of course also controls and directs your thought processes, and between both of these halves it takes over.
I’m trying to remain supportive of Lisa and the family by taking on household stuff. I’m scooping Ajax’s box and feeding him a bit when Lisa isn’t around. I’ve been doing shopping and cooking dinner the last few nights. I’m going to give laundry a spin (pun intended) once the hamper is more full. Doing those things feels good and gives me a tiny bit of contribution to the family. I’m also trying to help Lisa stay calm as she acquaints with her new job. It’s a difficult transition for her but she is doing pretty good I think. I know it’s hard for her and I love her so much for taking it on and giving her best. I wish I were on solid footing myself, so I could really be a comfort to her, but I’m doing my best.
I also continue to get in lots of exercise and my body is feeling stronger physically. Ive been bouncing between Planet Fitness and Phoenix so I’m getting some weights, cardio and walking in some combination almost daily. I’m doing meditations using Waking Up as usual and probably a bit longer than my prior lengths.
I really need to continue trying to focus on letting go, trusting the universe and getting comfortable just ‘being’. It’s hard for me not to jump ahead, think about new jobs or plan how I get out of this mess. I know those aren’t helpful at the moment and I’m still in need of self-care. At some point I’ll be more stable and ready for actioning, but I’m not quite there. I really do want to trust and feel settled, just having time for myself every day to do whatever I want. The last few days I’ve kept relatively busy which I think helps but I really need to get to a point where I can just have a mellow day and still feel good.
12/31/22: Yesterday was kind of great. I did my MoW deliveries and spent time helping Michael Banner. He’s one of the guys on my route that I usually stay and talk with. He’s a hoarder, but a super interesting and cool guy. He asked me to help him take some shelving down into his basement. I wasn’t in a rush and hadn’t exercised so I said sure. It felt good to help him out and to get some movement into my day. It was also super nice outside, so I got plenty of fresh air and broke a sweat. I also caught Mr. Tunks, the Vietnam veteran who I also talk with sometimes. His birthday is today so I got to wish him a HBD. I’ve really enjoyed the time doing this work and am grateful for how it’s helped me and for the people I’ve met.
Afterward, I met Laurie Dowie at her place for coffee. She’s a cool chick and I’m glad we’ve been friends all these years. She had a rough relationship/divorce and is on her own mostly. She’s smart, kind and cool but hasn’t been able to connect with another guy who is able to elevate her and team up as a couple. Anyways, she also went through work difficulties having been furloughed by her job for well over a year during covid, so of course we talked about all that. Anyways, it was nice to sit and talk personally with a friend and connect on a human level.
After getting home, I had an emergency text from Evelyn about her water heater leaking. Uh oh, the day before New Years on a Friday afternoon! Luckily, I stayed calm and after a few calls was able to get a plumber out to take care of it within a few hours. It wasn’t cheap but we have a slush fund for that property and I’m thankful for being able to resolve it for Evelyn who is a great tenant/person. Also thankful we had planned ahead and managed the property well so it won’t impact us directly.
After all that I was ready to nap on the couch. Lisa asked me about walking, and I hemmed and hawed a bit. Quincy was there and said, “no, let’s go!” so we all went to the park and did the 3.25 mile loop. As mentioned, it was a nice day and we haven’t walked together like that in a while. We had a nice conversation and it was good to keep the movement going and enjoying the humanity of just being together simply. I caught myself laughing and engaging more than I have lately. It felt really nice and I’m grateful for the normalcy of being able to ease into any activity without the backdrop of struggle, anxiety and all the negative feelings I’ve had around my lay-off being present.
At night, we got take-out and then watched Wolf of Wall Street, another of Q’s picks. I usually fall asleep on the couch but managed to stay awake. Grateful for time with my family and for having an active, helpful, pleasant day that included so many little but meaningful experiences.
12/30/22: just a crazy energy day yesterday. As described, I was despondent for the early part. I started to settle down a bit even before getting the call from Karin. I had my last step of training to be cleared for the hospice volunteering. It’s been a pretty long road but I think I’m glad I’ve taken these steps. The woman at hospice is really nice, Judy is her name. I’m looking forward to getting started sometime in the next week or two, after being matched with a patient. Anyways, the drive and perhaps the subject matter helped calm me about what might happen during the call. As mentioned, it was decent news, and I was completely off base about being cut loose, at least for now. Thankful to still be in the running, even if the process is killing me. Also thankful to have my brain proved wrong. Good lesson about reading too much into all these little messages.
After I got home, Lisa and I took a walk. The weather has been unseasonably nice and it felt good to be outdoors. I had also gone to the gym in the morning, so it was a good day of movement for me and activity. Anyways, we walked to the PO, as I like to check the Rawkstars box and we sometimes get year end donations in the mail. Sure enough, there was the letter/check from GBKF! After I got home and opened it, I couldn’t believe it. After depositing the $27.2k, our bank account is over $115k. I’m not 100% sure, but I believe our previous high before this last year was like $45k. Having that more than double in such a short time is staggering to me. Even with more students than ever (20) and a slight dip in our subscriptions, we had a kick-ass 2022, by any measure. Being on the verge of the DYS program is also a big win, and returning to some cool programming is exciting. The grant was officially written for 3 purposes. Hiring someone to improve our social media, expanding into RI and re-igniting the Guitars Behind Bars program. With DYS, that is nearing reality already. And I submitted a budget of $14k for THEM to fund the program, not Rawkstars. That budget has some admin funds included that would actually bring a profit to Rawkstars beyond paying the instructors and buying the gear. My intention is/was to pay myself a small stipend for managing everything and that might be something I pursue going forward, depending on where all this job stuff lands. I’ve got outstanding debts of $8k for Luke’s program as well as $5k for the remainder of my website project. Those won’t come home to roost for a few more months, but even considering those, we should remain at $100k+ through Q1 of 2023, for sure. Just amazing and something I’m quite proud of. Headed into our 20th anniversary year, there may be new opportunities on the horizon and I’m excited to see what the new year brings, with Rawkstars starting in such a strong position. Thankful.
12/29/22: Had a rough second half of the day yesterday. As mentioned below, the prior day had at least a bit of hope and joy, after learning about Lisa’s job offer. Mid afternoon, I got an email from Karin, the Global recruiter, telling me she wanted to ‘chat this week’. For whatever reason, I took this really negatively, and instantly figured I’m getting cut loose from the process. Not 100% sure what made me feel that way, but I guess something about the tone of the email. Even writing it sounds partially insane, but it happened. I really started to spiral. That lasted maybe an hour or two and then I started to settle down. I went out to shoot some pool with Q last night, which was kinda fun. I was pre-occupied and he talked with me on the ride home and it helped a little. I know it’s crazy and even if I’m right and the job is off the table, I’m still in the same position I’ve been in the last several weeks. I’ll have to start over and see if one of the other irons in the fire pans out, or continue being patient and see what arises next year. Neither of those sound horrible on paper, but I think it’s the potential for a second heavy rejection that is making me unhinged. This morning I got up and hit the gym, which is always good for my well being. I need to get better at developing a proper schedule for myself, if I’m going to survive this time period. I think looking at the day through the lens of possibility and embracing the time to exercise, explore, play bass, work on Rawkstars and other things is where I need to be. Not sure why I haven’t quite gotten there, though I do think I’ve had some movement towards that in the last few months. I have done better with the gym and gotten the DYS project to the verge of execution and gotten two volunteer projects underway for myself. I guess those aren’t enough to make me feel like I’ve been enjoying the days. I mostly feel like I’m crossing them off waiting for something else to show up, which I know isn’t awesome. Perhaps acknowledging that here will help?
UPDATE: I usually don’t post intra-day but felt the need. Got a call today from Karin and it was not a ‘thanks but no thanks’ as I had intuited from her email. It also wasn’t an offer. She called to tell me they had another late breaking candidate presented and described a ‘courtesy interview process’ in describing them. She didn’t share more but it sounded like this person needed to be given interviews, probably due to being referred by a senior leader internally. In any case, she was very nice and said she wanted to talk to me instead of sending email, since the process has been so protracted. I appreciated it and it was a good lesson in not trusting what stories my brain wants to tell, and also that I’m able to face even the worst news, if it so happens to come. Thankful.
12/28/22: Lisa got a job! In the morning, she told me that she got a VM from the owner at the Stoughton place she interviewed at last week. She was pretty confident they wanted her and sure as shit, he left a message offering her the role. The job was part-time, 20 hours and at a pretty low rate. It’s also in 02072, way on the opposite side of town from the highway, meaning about a 35/40 minute ride at best. She was hesitant to return his message as I could tell she was on the fence about whether to accept. Sounds strange I know, especially given our circumstance. That said, I understood all her concerns and tried to be a good listener. She said she thought she should ‘aim higher’ which I agreed with and told her I supported her turning it down and continuing to look. I know she appreciated that and I genuinely felt it was the right call. Q and I drove over to the smoothie place just to get out and when we got back, she told me she got a callback from the second place she interviewed and they also offered her a job! It’s a full time position with benefits. Pay isn’t great, but it’s mostly remote so she would only have to go in once per week, and it’s in Brockton, a much closer drive that Stoughton. It’s working with the Elder Services company that I’m doing Meals on Wheels with and she would be doing clerical work, supporting folks in the field to provide services to seniors. The fact that it also is doing something positive was another point Lisa wanted to try and find in her job. Anyways, she decided to accept and is going through the paperwork now to get setup. I’m truly proud of her. It’s been quite some time since she worked full-time and I know she is nervous and that it will be a big lifestyle change putting in 40 hours each week. She’s going to have to change her workout schedule which is her comfort, but it’s a very positive step, imo. It will also really help the family overall, since it comes with health insurance. Mine is set to expire in another month or so, as is my severance. She won’t be making a ton of cash, but combined with our rental income and me making small amounts of money from side projects, should be enough for us to squeak by. I really feel some pressure lifted off my shoulders. I know it won’t sustain us indefinitely, but it makes me feel more equipped to bounce back if I don’t get the Global position I’m still waiting for or even one of the others in the early stages of the pipeline. Beyond all that I think it will be a healthy step for Lisa. She has been feeling like she hasn’t been contributing to the household for a while, and this will really change that perspective. She’ll also gain some confidence, from the fact that two companies wanted her and that she is capable of contributing to a modern workplace in a meaningful way. She’s been missing that all since getting let go from Patriot and Dave Scott, where she spent many years working before covid. I’m very thankful for this development. I’m definitely still anxious about my situation, but know the family is in a better spot today than it was yesterday and for that, I’m grateful.
12/27/22: Continued feeling blue yesterday. I did manage to get my ass to the gym and eat well for the day, so I’m thankful for both of those. Nothing is an instant fix, but I know I need to keep doing the work to maintain my equilibrium until things fully stabilize. It’s not easy but I’m committing to trying. I’m human, I’m going to die, I’m here to serve others and I’m doing my best.
Lisa got offered a part-time role for a place in Stoughton she visited last week. I know she has also been struggling with the job stuff, some of the same and some different ways than me. I know it’s painful for her, even if she doesn’t show it often. The gig wasn’t bad, but it was 20 hours, low pay and not super close. I think she’s realizing that she can aim higher, and at least try to find a job that is closer, better paying, has benefits, is more personally impactful or even all of the above. It was hard for her to turn down, but I fully support her. If she can land something that checks some of those other boxes, even with a marginal hourly rate, I think she’ll be happier and it will have more impact on us short-term. I think she sees that value already and I’m confident she can find something a bit more suited. I’m proud of her and thankful to have such a strong, awesome wife/partner/friend to go through this together with.
I also had a bit of time with my bass yesterday and started learning a cool riff by Anderson Paak. It’s a part I’ve loved for a while and just never took any time with. I didn’t master it whatsoever, but I did manage to get the pattern figured out and played it through several times. I’m thankful that I took some time to do something enjoyable instead of wallowing. I’m glad I have music in my life to comfort me, as it always has/will.
12/26/22: Yesterday was Xmas. I’d describe it as more low key than usual. We got the kids a few small items and gave them each $100, including Cam. We had lunch at the Bento’s of course and I’m thankful for those things. I overate and have been in a downward spiral the last few weeks on that front. Hopeful to turn it around starting this morning and get back to the self-care focused decision making I was demonstrating for much of the last few months.
Bella gave us a Nu Kitchen gift card, which was sweet. It’ll give us an excuse to go up and see her at work one day soon. Of course the Bento’s gave us some cash, which is always super nice and generous of them. Quincy wrote a very nice card for me, Lisa and Bella. I was so happy reading it and it brought me to the verge of tears. He described how we’ve learned to mature our relationship and nurture each other. He talked about our lineage and the greatness that stemmed from being my son. I’m so fucking thankful to have raised such a wise, caring and thoughtful kid. He’s only 16 and already light years ahead of where I was in being a compassionate, loving person. Super grateful for that. After getting home we watched Bohemian Rhapsody, which was wicked cool. Great to be able to find something the whole family can relate to and also enjoy. Sad story about Freddie, but glad we bonded over that film together and glad the kids both love Queen 🙂
Definitely struggling with the waiting process on the job. I’m yo-yo’ing constantly, worrying I’m not getting the offer and then talking myself off the ledge. Not sure how to stop the cycle.
12/24/22: Started feeling a bit down again last night. Guessing it’s the fact that I didn’t hear from Global the last two days. This has definitely been a pattern for me. Feeling calm and hopeful while interviewing, or having something on the calendar then crashing a bit when it goes dark or quiet for any period of time. Of course it feels selfish or unlikely that they were going to jump on their CEO right after we met, put together whatever inputs are needed and reach out to me in the two days before Xmas. I know Hasbro and other companies I worked at were skeleton staffed this last week and expecting that kind of turnaround wasn’t likely. Regardless, I felt the downturn. I don’t think it will floor me, as I’ve gotten used to noticing the pattern, but I’m still not healed from this experience and feeling vulnerable. The holidays might have a touch to do with it also, as I’m not feeling as upbeat about them. I’ve never been a big holiday guy, but in years past I would have at least been excited about buying things for the kiddos and Lisa and a few friends. This season, we really aren’t doing much for obvious reasons. I know nobody will be upset, but I suppose it’s just adding to the pile in some ways for me. I am genuinely grateful for all the things I have, especially Lisa and the kids. They are as supportive as I could ever hope for.
I did have a great meeting at DYS yesterday. Rilla, Malik and I visited and met the guys on the unit that will be in the program. There were 11 of them and we are expecting probably 8 for the music program, split into two groups. I’m really happy that I met Rilla and Malik as they both seem like awesome people and very capable. I’m hoping we’ll have a successful run with DYS and that it may lead to other projects together, there or elsewhere. Certainly thankful that my kids are not in DYS and that Rawkstars will be a tiny part of bringing joy to at least some who are.
Rawkstars has had a simply incredible year. In December alone, we received checks in excess of $1k from the Delleos, Gary & Joan, Jacob Marcus, Perry and the foundation via Lori Magno. A few other smaller donations have come in as well, and that’s not even counting the $8k+ that Luke raised for his GBB project or the $27.2k we are on tap to receive from GBKF. Our DYS budget hasn’t yet been approved, but that is going to come in at around $14k, with at least $3k tapped for Rawkstars to admin the project, meaning turn a profit or potentially to pay me (gasp!) — If you had asked me last year, I don’t think I could have envisioned such an epic year with so many big opportunities. We’re ending with 2022 with 20 full time students and looking for even more impact in the coming months. Grateful.
12/23/22: Got Lisa’s car sorted finally. Had to drive to Stoughton a few times to meet Joe, but it’s all set. Has a new tire and new rear caliper. Joe is a great guy and I’m thankful we have him to lean on when the car needs something. Even with the extra driving, I know I’m not getting abused on the upsell or the cost. He’s also a good person so I feel good giving my business to him. I’m thankful Lisa and Q have a safe car to drive again and that I could help alleviate some burden from them.
Met Lanzetta for a beer and some food last night. He’s such a great guy and I’m glad we became friends years back. He’s someone I learned generosity from and continue to be inspired by his. He’s doing well and found himself through a new career path, after getting laid off from Comcast after like 35 years. He’s doing some kind of teaching thing, working with mentally disabled adults. I can tell he enjoys it by the way he talks about it and even though he’s making far less money, he’s glad. It’s a great perspective for me, especially at this time. I’m grateful for his friendship and having people in my life that I can learn from.
12/22/22: Had my call with Eric, Global’s CEO yesterday. I think it went ok, but again, never easy to judge. He seemed really smart and was very cordial and easy to talk with. He carried some of the call and we talked personally, but he also probed me a bit more than the last few folks about the role and my ideas. I feel like I did my best and have put so much into this process. Now I wait. Again. I sent my follow up thanks of course, and also one to the recruiting team and Catie. We’re really up against XMas now, with only today and tomorrow left, so I’m figuring I won’t hear anything until next week sometime. I really do hope to get the position, but I know it’s out of my control. Thankful to have gotten this far and to know that I am worthy of strong consideration for this type of gig. I know that wasn’t the case just a short time ago.
Had lunch with Crissy. Went to Famers Daughter, which is one of my faves. She pinged me about it and said she is trying to figure out how to make a meaningful life change through work. She’s done with the law and wants something more fulfilling. I’m flattered that someone like her would come to me for a conversation like this. We’ve been friends for a while and played in two bands together now. She shared some personal stuff with me, which was nice. I really enjoy connecting with friends on a deep level like this, instead of socially at a party or gig or similar. She’s got a ton of options and financial security for life. I told her she’s in an amazing position of fortune and I’m sure she’ll find the right fit. I talked a bit about Rawkstars as I think there’s a potential match for her to run with some kind of cool project there. She’s smart, resourceful, trustworthy and hard-working. She has the passion for music and I’d love if we could do something big together. If not, I’m grateful to have friends who are in this space and able to find purpose instead of just spinning wheels at work or whatever. Grateful for Crissy, her wife Christy’s improved health and for their friendship and support over all these years.
12/21/22: Took Lisa’s car to Joe yesterday. Brake trouble, started after Q’s tire incident a few days back but seems unrelated. I drove the car to Stoughton with the brakes hitting the floor. It was a bit nerve-wracking but not too bad. Lisa followed me and luckily it was uneventful. I always take the cars to Joe because he is such a great, trustworthy guy. When I was younger cars were always such a source of stress and expense and that all changed after meeting Joe. He’s awesome and it’s worth the hassle of having him 30 minutes away and he’s done me many favors over the years, including towing, cheap repairs and even coming to the house once to work on an old car. Anyways, sounds like a relatively small repair and I’m thankful to have Joe in our circle. Also thankful to have a safe, reliable car for Q and Lisa back in action.
Made more progress with the DYS project. Got scheduled for training and a meeting this Friday with the students. I have the budget form and need to get that filled out soon to see what they are going to compensate us. I’m definitely planning to add some expense to the program to cover Rawkstars’ end. I of course mainly want to pay Rilla and Malik and cover all equipment and video costs, but also want RS to get covered for some of its ownership and work on the project. Hopefully I will be employed again soon and not have to worry about it anymore, and the money can remain in the coffers and go towards more programs. Grateful to be close to getting started with this and to have resources continue to flow into the charity from various sources besides our Fan Club members.
Bella has been pretty sick the last couple days. She’s got a cough/chest cold thing. It sucks seeing her suffering and listless, but I’m still glad she’s here. That way we can try to care for her a bit and she’s not alone at school. I made her some sweet bread toast and fried up some plantains, which I know she loves. I went to CVS and got her some nighttime cold meds and vick’s steam for the vaporizer, which Lisa setup in her bedroom. It’s nice to be able to help her while she’s down and I’m grateful to have her with us, in any condition.
12/20/22: Had a great call with Sean at Global yesterday. Very casual and conversational. I find that often interviewing with senior folks is easier, since they are generally less concerned with asking lots of questions and just want to get a feel for who you are. One more day until I meet with Eric and fingers crossed we can come to a conclusion that includes an offer.
I also met with Brandi, the staffing recruiter for the Sojourner House gig. I think it went pretty well, but those interviews are harder to gauge in my experience. She’s a professional interviewer and sees hundreds of folks looking for jobs. It’s more clinical, although I did feel some connection with her and am hopeful for a follow up. She told me they wouldn’t be scheduling anything until after New Year, which makes sense at this point. She also told me the salary range could be higher than the posted amount, which was also good. The listed range was lower than my prior pay at Hasbro, but I’m interested enough in the job to look past that for now. I think it would be a job I would learn a ton from, and helping such an awesome org would be in line with my values and desire for impact. I’ll be patient and see if I make the cut to meet with the Executive Director after the holidays. Thankful to be considered in either case.
Before the calls started, I got a phone call from Dave Yuknat about the GBKF grant. WE GOT IT! $27,200 for Rawkstars, which is easily our biggest gift to date. December has been fruitful on that side, as I also received good sized checks from The Delleo’s, Gary & Joan, Perry’s FB Campaign and the grant through Lori Magno and DTAS. All together, those were about $4,800, so even without the GBKF money, we have nearly $87k in reserves as we close out 2022. I honestly can’t even express how amazing that is. I believe our high water mark prior to this year was like $45k, and that lasted just a month or two. Topping $50k felt nice, then I realized we were aiming towards $70k, which I didn’t expect. It’s really beautiful to feel all the love for Rawkstars and its mission as we head into what will be our 20th anniversary year. The DYS project is coming close to reality and we have 20 full time students, including many new this year. I’m humbled by the growth and by the funding we are getting from those around us. Truly thankful and overwhelmed.
12/19/22: Eating poorly lately, with regularity. I’ve been working out at least a few days a week, which has been great, but my intake of poor food is leaving me feeling unfit. So strange to watch my emotions follow this pattern as well. When I was really feeling badly about the job, etc., I had a low desire for food and was walking a lot. Now that I’ve started feeling more ‘normal’ about my work situation, I’m gorging. Hoping to talk with my therapist about this connection and see if I can glean something to help me level off again. Today is a big day for me on the interview front. I have my scheduled session with the Global Cheif Legal Officer and then later in the afternoon my screen with the recruiter for Sojourner House. I’m excited for both. I also (finally!) received the aforementioned timeslot with the Global CEO for this Wednesday. I mentioned to Lisa recently that I felt like I was in this mode of investing with my time. I’ve put a lot of time, effort and emotional energy into this process with Global. I’ve done a lot of the same with my DYS project and pulling that together. Meals on Wheels wasn’t a big lift, but the hospice thing has been ongoing for weeks as well and I still have two training sessions and a TB test to take later this week. It’s a group of activities for which I’m not being paid, but pursuing out of desire to do them. I’ve always had some of that through Rawkstars, the band and other things of course, but it feels more concentrated, I guess since I’m not being paid by anyone at the moment truly. They’re all good and I’m glad to have made progress against all. It feels like a while since I’ve worked and that I haven’t really accomplished much, but when I write it here it feels more substantial. I didn’t mention it but I’m also awaiting word about the GBKF grant that I applied for. Dave told me they were meeting over the weekend and that he would have news for me this week. Fingers crossed that all these investments will yield dividends for me, the kids at DYS, Rawkstars and my family’s financial well being. Thankful for some progress and probably even more for some perspective.
12/17/22: Hit the gym again yesterday and then my MoW route afterward. It’s been a good pattern for me, doing both and I’m thankful I’ve found a little bit of grounding through these experiences. It’s also been great bonding time with Lisa, as she has come with me a few times after class to do the deliveries, since we are sharing a car.
I also tightened up things a bit with regards to the DYS project. I formalized a site visit for next Friday to meet the kids in the unit. I got a referral from Rilla to a guy named Malik, who is going to come on board as our second instructor. He seems great and both of them feel like excellent partners for this work. I’m thankful to have crossed paths with two cool creators who are both into the idea of helping these kids through music. It felt like a productive day and for that I’m also thankful.
12/16/22: Had lunch in Boston with old friend Lori Magno, from DTAS. She’s awesome and someone I always admired. We’ve stayed in touch, mostly through social, and she has always been an ardent Rawkstars supporter having donated instruments and held multiple fundraising events in our name. Nothing fancy, but it was kinda nice to return to downtown for a few hours. It reminded me that I’ve aged out of the city life and could probably never work there again, despite enjoying it’s energy once there. The driving is insane and even with covid, there’s no place to park and forget about the cost. Anyways, we caught up a bit, had a quick bite and she reassured me about my work situation and offered to provide a reference, which is super helpful I think. Thankful for her friendship and support, as well as all the others who have reached out to me in the last few months.
I also got confirmed for Monday with the CLO at Global for a 30 minute zoom. Psyched to have that booked and I’ll be doing some prep over the weekend of course. I’m also confirmed with the staffing person for Sojourner House, which I’m more excited about now, having considered it more in the last few days. Of course I know little about the job and atmostphere, but reading their site and envisioning working there feels good. I love that it’s community based in Providence and the mission is beyond awesome. I can imagine it’s a very personal experience to be part of that team and something that attracts me from afar. I want to have impact on people and stories of love and success to be involved with. I also imagine being that small, I could bring lots of additional skills to the table and I’ve always been a fan of that part of work, even if it was part of my undoing at Hasbro. Beyond thankful to have TWO interviews on Monday and for both of them being with cool orgs and roles.
12/15/22: In hindsight, yesterday was pretty crazy. I described much of it below. I woke up feeling desperate and low and by mid-day I was doing ok, mainly because I heard back from Global and also from Sojourner. Adding to the improved feelings were my workout, and visit with Nana, plus brunch with Lisa. After we got home and cleaned up, I also got a note from Newport Foundation, a role I submitted a resume on about a month ago. It’s been completely dark with them since submitting so I was pretty surprised to hear back. I have interviews scheduled with Sojourner next Monday and with Newport the week after New Year’s. Still waiting for the schedule from Global, but expect to see those shortly and hoping they take place this coming week.
After all that, the house was quiet. Bella and Cam met his family for dinner and Cam is staying there for the weekend, so Bella came back home alone in the evening. Quincy was out at Owen’s hockey game, then went to meet Strawbridge and play guitar. Ryan is back home for college break and I’m sure Q was pumped not only to see him, but to show off his improving guitar skills. He left around 4 and didn’t come back until around 10. It was nice to have a few hours with Lisa and we caught up on some tv shows. Quiet night together and it was awesome.
12/14/22: We played a family game last night. We typically watch TV after dinner, but it was nice to do something more interactive and personal. So great having Bella, Cam and Quincy all here with us. During the afternoon, Bella and Lisa put up the Christmas tree and decor. They always play the Chris Isaak holiday album while doing it. Bella came over and hugged me while she was singing some song, and we kinda of danced slowly and hugged for a good long while. It felt amazing and I noticed that I was actually smiling. So thankful for the support of my family and I love them all more than ever. That’s something I’ve felt acutely during this difficult period and I’m appreciative of the perspective, even though it took something painful for it to arrive.
I actually woke up today feeling shitty and extra depressive. I mentioned yesterday still no word from Global and that lack of contact had me assuming it was negative. I know how slow these large companies can be and understand the process is dragged out being up against XMas and the vacation time of my recruiter. Still, I took it negatively. Being here on life support leaves me clinging to any news of positivity, especially where I’m at in the process with Global. Anyways, I was feeling super low and having dark thoughts all morning. I pushed myself to get to the gym, as I’ve been doing more with Lisa. I knew that at least for an hour I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts and that I’d be pushing my body in a good way. Of course that was true. At the gym, I also saw Kerri’s daughter, who was there coloring. She was so sweet and I sat and talked with her a bit which made me feel good. I enjoyed connecting with her and I haven’t really been around a little girl like that in a while. After the gym, we went to breakfast at my favorite place, Farmers Daughter, which is nearby. While we were waiting for our table, I got an email from Global asking me about scheduling! I also got a voicemail from my recruiter there, telling me they wanted me to meet with the Chief Legal Officer, in addition to Eric, the CEO. She apologized for not letting me know about that, but of course I was thrilled. Just being in the running still is heartwarming and keeping me sane. I know it shouldn’t be that way and it’s just an example of me not being comfortable with ‘what is’ and wanted it to be otherwise. That said, it’s true and I feel it deeply. Super thankful to have my candidacy revived and to see if I can close this out and get an offer.
After brunch, we stopped by Nana’s place. I went to the library last night and took out some books. She tries to read the paper and that’s really one of the only pleasures and activities that she has nowadays. She always loved reading and I got her a book in large print, which should be easier to read than the paper. It’s also more uplifting subject matter than the negative news she’s used to. Anyways, I hope she can make some progress reading it and that it brings her some joy. I love her so much and am insanely lucky to still have her with us, and part of all our lives.
12/13/22: Still quiet on the Global front. I did get a text from Heather, the recruiter, telling me she would get my final interview setup, but nothing firm since the text. I know it’s unreasonable for me to expect such quick, seamless communication but it’s hard to simply wait and feel like I’m in the dark, hanging on. Reminding myself that I’m human. And doing my best.
Another coolish sounding position revealed itself yesterday at Sojourner House in PVD. I’m a bit familiar with them through an old Hasbro friend named Tracey. I submitted a resume to the staffing firm and also asked Tracey to submit my resume to her contacts there. Hopeful for a callback. It might be cool for me to consider the nonprofit side more strongly than I have. It might suit me being at a smaller, more personal place. We could survive on less money than what I was making and fulfillment is paramount of course. Anyways, it’s nice to have another tiny glimmer of hope enter my consciousness and I’m thankful for that.
Bella (and Cam) came home yesterday for winter break. She’ll be here for at least a few weeks. I know she’ll be working and making plans and probably bored before long, but it’s really nice to have her in our midst, for however much we can get. I talked with Linda, the therapist, yesterday about how the kids have been the rock foundation for the family lately. It brings me a smile to think of how well they are both doing and I used the word ‘thriving’. She pointed out the significance of that, and I was able to have some moments of satisfaction to consider the strength of our family.
I submitted an official budget for the video project with DYS. It came my way organically through my GBB meetings with them. I pitched my services to produce a training video they need completed. I budgeted $5,800, which should give me enough to farm out the shooting and editing to Massimoto, and keep close to 50% for my own time. I’m looking to have something to work on, be a bit creative, learn more and of course make some dough. Fingers crossed it will get approved as a project and we’ll be able to team up on the execution for an awesome project.
12/12/22: Mellow day at home yesterday. Overate. Again. Feeling pretty bad this morning as a result, but just had breakfast and trying to shake it off and start again. Again. Bit of drama with the car, after Q scraped up the wheel a few nights ago. Brake light is now on, probably as a result of a sensor in the suspect tire area. Also needs a new tire. Stopped by Aziz, who is always awesome. Guessing it won’t be a big deal, but we’re without the second car for a few days. Thankful to have one working vehicle, and that we live in a time when having multiple vehicles is a regular thing. Talk about convenience!
I was up with Q watching this chess/boxing thing last night. Yes, you read that correctly. It’s a weird ‘sport’ where two guys alternate playing chess with rounds of boxing. He wanted to check it out so we streamed it. I’m only writing about it now as I got a bit grumpy towards the end. I didn’t want to watch much in the first place, so as it dragged on and Q started falling asleep, I got up to go to bed. When I made my way to the bedroom, I complained to Lisa about it and that Quincy had fallen asleep to boot. I’m guessing he heard me and I felt bad afterward. I love spending time with him and we had driven to guitar center earlier in the night, coming home in the first snow of the year. I let myself forget about the joy of spending time together and shouldn’t have complained about either, let alone both. Anyways, I’m thankful for all the time we get together and for the reminder that my emotions sometimes get the best of me so I can be better next time.
12/11/22: Xmas party season is here. We started at Lisa’s gym, which had a small gathering. Not many people, but we saw Leigh and Laurie, who are both super nice people. I met Leigh’s son, who was cool and another guy who was chatting with me about guitars. Rich, the gym owner, is a cool guy and I’m grateful for spending some time with him at the place lately. I stayed away from eating junk, as I knew we were headed to Mike’s afterward. At his place, it was packed and there was tons of food. Saw all the usual suspects, plus Chuck Fitzgerald, who I haven’t seen in a while. He’s a really nice guy and I always liked him. I had fun and refrained from drinking beyond one beer, but ate like a madman. My willpower gave out and we stayed pretty late, which only made it worse. Still, I had a fun time and was glad to connect with so many friends. They always have the party in remembrance of Meredith, Doreen’s daughter who passed away 10 years back from an overdose. It was one of the saddest things any of my friends have gone through and I recall how painful it was for them. I know feeling sorry for myself so much lately has stirred these types of emotions but it’s a reminder that everyone has gone through suffering and many much worse than a job loss. I’m glad Doreen, Casandra, Jesse and Mike have been keeping Meredith’s spirit alive through these parties and the donations they collect each year to benefit other young girls who are struggling.
12/9/22: No news on the interview follow up yet, but it’s been less than 24 hours so not unexpected. In the afternoon, I had a second call with the team who are redesigning the Rawkstars site. I must say I’ve been very happy working with them. It’s a great husband/wife team and they presented some great design options which I really think represent Rawkstars well. I made a few small suggestions for changes, and I’ll be seeing the template for all the main pages in the next two weeks. I’ve got high confidence the project will come out really nice and we’ll have a site we can be proud of for the next few years. It will have a store to sell custom merch on demand as well as a self-service account portal through Stripe. I’ve gone through many of these site projects over the years and this one feels great so far and my confidence is high.
Quincy had a minor incident with the car. Nothing major, but he hit a curb on his way to the track meet in Boston. It was his first time heading that way and Lisa was pretty nervous about him going. After some convincing, he took off. After about an hour, my phone buzzed and it was him. I knew something was up but he calmly explained the situation and that he was ok. He had pulled into a parking lot after scraping the curb and thought the tire was fucked up. Turns out it was ok, and he just cracked the plastic cover over the rim. Car was totally drivable, and he made his way home. Probably a good lesson for him to learn and help keep him from getting overconfident with the new license. No real damage to the car luckily and he seemed fine afterward. Grateful that he was smart enough to handle the situation well and that nothing really bad happened.
12/8/22: Just wrapped my conversation (interview round #4) with Mark, over at Global. I think it went very well and I felt relaxed and confident. I’m proud of myself for getting this far and working this hard to get this gig. I’ve put in the necessary work to put myself in this position. I’ll be disappointed if I don’t get it, but it won’t be because I didn’t prepare and try my best. That alone is a good lesson for me as I don’t often recognize effort and typically prioritize results. I’m excited to hear if I’ll get the chance to take the final test with their CEO. Fingers and toes crossed.
Last night I met Chris Weekly and Steve Laham for dinner and a beer. So great seeing them, especially Steve. I interact with Chris regularly but haven’t seen Steve in years. He’s one of those guys I think about and am able to connect with in 2 seconds, even if we don’t see one another for long stretches. They really tried to reinforce my situation as a positive one, and I know both of them have experienced this multiple times in their careers. They definitely ‘get it’. I’m thankful for the genuine friendships in my life and Upromise in particular was such a hotbed of awesome people. I’m grateful for being there, even though it was 12+ years ago – so much beauty came out of it.
12/7/22: Visited Jon Cardoni for a hike yesterday. Great guy and I enjoy spending some time with him. Afterward, I met Darren, who runs JamZone in Dedham and Newton. Also a good dude, we had plenty in common and it made me feel good to connect with him and share our stories. He gave me some confidence and perspective about my own situation, which is of course nice. I’m thankful for the extra time this layoff has given me. Without it, I’d not be spending so much time with others and bonding.
In the morning, I made my way to the gym again for kickboxing. That’s been another silver lining of the layoff. In the last year, I got to Lisa’s gym exactly once. I’ve now been 4x in the last few weeks. Beyond just the frequency, I think I’ve opened up more to the idea of not being scared of it. I know it’s going to be tough, but I also know I can do it. There are certain exercises which I cannot perform well, or fast or at all. In those instances, I simply substitute or alter it so I can finish. The main thing is that I keep going and push myself through the uncertainty and fear. That’s actually a pretty big hurdle for me, so I’m certainly grateful for getting some insight there.
12/6/22: Went to visit old friend Dave Malekpour yesterday. He’s asking me to join his company. It’s really nice and it was cool to see his operation and meet some of the folks there. The job is non-traditional, in that it’s loosely defined and open to lots of things. He’s grown his company to a pretty strong level, though of course they have tons of issues. Operations, efficiency, lack of resources, etc. Most companies struggle with all these, big or small. Dave has always been a sales guy, but also a super hard worker and capable of keeping it all going, despite the madness. Anyways, it’s something I feel like I could consider and there are definitely aspects of it which feel attractive. It’s obviously a cool industry that means a lot to me personally, and I feel like I would probably connect with everyone there, since they all have similar backgrounds. I think Dave wants someone to come in and help organize their projects and install systems designed to improve the processes. I have some experience there and I think I could grow into that kind of person. He also needs help with the branding and web presences for his companies, and it’s also something I have some chops with. It would be a chance to join a small but potentially growing operation and be part of its success. All fairly appealing, despite it being a very different role than what I’ve been doing. I’m not sure where it will all go, but it feels nice to be wanted and to have options for a change.
I also got a call from Heather at Global, who is looking after my req while Karin is on vacation. She actually gave me some advice about my upcoming meeting, which I thought was amazing. She gave insight about Mark and told me he was very ‘business oriented’ and to keep myself focused on those aspects, instead of social/emotional conversation points. I’m hoping it’s a good sign that she was so transparent with me, and seems to indicate she wants to help me do well. I also reached out separately to Maureen, who I met a few weeks back. I wanted to ask her for insight about the connection points between the corporate and retail locations, which is what Mark oversees. I’m really trying to understand that aspect and hoping our time prior to the interview will help me perform better and prepare. Grateful for getting this far with Global and for the potential to land this gig!
Did a 4 mile hike with Lisa and Laurie at Blue Hills. It was tough, but good. Despite the exercise uptick, I’m feeling crappy about my eating. Off the rails too often over the last few weeks and feeling it. Today is a new day (again!) and I’m aiming to improve and refocus on my physical well being, mostly through food!
12/5/22: Took a nice long walk yesterday with Lisa and Laurie. That’s been a positive pattern for me these last several weeks. My eating didn’t follow suit and I overdid it pretty much the whole weekend. Back on the path today and plan to start with a healthy breakfast and hike.
Nothing popping to mind to write about today, for a change. I did manage to get myself scheduled for the drug test related to the hospice volunteer opportunity. Small, but that might get me over the hump to try and give some of my time to that effort. I also firmed up some other plans for the coming week, including meeting up with Jon Cardoni for a hike and a meeting with a new contact Darren, who runs JamZone. I’ll be spending time this week prepping for my interview on Thursday. Seems so far away but I’m excited to have time to get ready. It’s important to me and the next step in this journey. Grateful to have it on my radar.
12/4/22: We saw Bella sing! After a few years of covid related non-action, she rebooted the acapella group at Assumption. Not only did Bella revive the group, but she setup, managed, and ran the entire event. She hosted, setup the space, cleaned up afterward, bought all the raffles, designed the flyers and oh yeah, arranged all the music and of course sang :). I was so happy seeing her accomplish that, and the music was the icing on the cake. It reminded me of how talented she is, both as a leader and as a musician. We had dinner beforehand at a sushi place nearby that was really good. I was thankful for so much that night and reminded that life is beautiful, even without having a job!
Yesterday, Quincy followed by having Kevin Bento over to jam. Kevin texted me about it after we went to his parents place last week. I brought Q into the house and told him Kevin played guitar, so he showed him his music space and Q played around a bit. So he came over and plugged in and they played for like 3 hours. It was literally music to our ears :). They didn’t work on anything in particular, but just had fun and rocked out. Kevin is such a great guy and I’m always happy to interact with him, and having him connect with Q is awesome. Quincy has grown so much as a musician, he’s getting better by the month and I can hear the progress he’s making all the time. So proud of him and excited to see how far he can take it!
The kids really are the strength of the family at the moment. Both are doing so damn well, and Lisa and I couldn’t be happier. It might sound counterintuitive when life tells us that the parents should be setting all the examples and in charge of things. While I of course want to get back to supporting the family in every possible way, it’s beautiful to see them thrive and demonstrate the strength, determination and hard work that I’m trying to cultivate in myself again. So thankful for both of them showing how it’s done!
12/2/22: Got the zoom schedule for my next interview with Global. It’s not until next Thursday, but I’m ever so thankful to have it on the calendar! Had a pretty good day yesterday and overall feeling better. I met Joe Merrick for lunch which was really cool. Haven’t seen him in a while, and we always have great conversations. He’s been through a lot these last couple years, getting divorced, moving out of his home, relocating his studio and being separated from his girls. He’s doing really well and has a new place down the cape and is getting married in May of next year. It’s helpful to see folks who have survived rough patches and are doing well. Joe has a good life perspective and we think alike in some ways. He’s pretty positive and said some things that stuck with me. When we were leaving he started to say ‘it’s going to be alright’, but then caught himself and changed it to ‘everything is already alright’, which I got and sunk in. It’s true, things are ok, even though I’m carrying a cloud around with me. I have my health, my family, money, food, shelter, heat and a ton of other things. Sure my job is missing and I’ll eventually run out of money, but that won’t happen for a while. In the meantime, I’m doing my very best to remind myself of all that and while I might not like it, I can work towards accepting it and being ok.
12/1/22: Weeks are flying by. Yesterday was a pretty good day and I felt normal at times, which is big. Started out going to the gym and doing stretches. I’m using an app called Bend, which guides you through timed stretches. I tried a few new sessions, focusing on hips and shoulders. Felt good afterward and would like to continue paying attention to this. My weight is holding steady and I’m at 243. I’m not trying too hard and mostly eating what I want, without going too far afield. It’s a nice feeling.
In the afternoon, I had my meeting at DYS with Magda, Katie and a bunch of other folks from the group. Rilla joined me and it was a good hour. I outlined the project and we talked about lots of options. They provided some good feedback and indicated their belief that the guys will be responsive to the studio classes. Magda also asked about ‘open studio’ hours where we might staff someone to help with the software outside of the program hours. She also said she wants a second teacher, so I’ll need to uncover someone else to partner with Rilla. Separately, she needs someone to produce, shoot and edit a training video and asked if I’d be interested in that, to which I said yes. Not knowing when I might find work, I’m open to making small bits of money where I can. We haven’t talked budget for these projects yet, but I dropped her a note last night to that effect. My hope is we can put together a robust project for 12-weeks at the facility, and that I can make some money from the efforts. I’m estimating I need about $1,000 per week to cover expenses so making $4k in total would buy me another month of time, so to speak. It’ll be the first time I’m really paying myself for this kind of work, but I’m at the point where it makes sense. I don’t think I have any regrets about it, after 19 years of donating my time entirely.
In the evening, I rekindled my conversations with Dave M. We texted and have a plan to connect at his space on Monday. He still seems willing/interested in having me come into his company in some capacity. I’m not 100% sure about it, but am attracted enough to the idea to at least talk it through. He’s in an industry I obviously care deeply about (studios and recording) and has grown the business over 30+ years. I can envision lots of ways I could potentially add value and he’s also interested in spinning up a small foundation/non-profit to work with kids doing beats, and music, which of course I could oversee and work on too. It might be cool to get outside the corporate america structure for me also. I don’t really know the answer to any of this, but feeling wanted felt pretty darn good. More to come.
11/30/22: Heard back from Global that I made ‘the final round’. That consists of interviews with an SVP of operations and assuming I pass that, the CEO. I’m psyched to still be in the running for the position and I’m doing my best to stay patient. I started with the recruiter trying to get the next call scheduled, but still waiting for those details. I know it’s a good sign and all positive, and there’s nothing I can do to make it go faster.
Got to the gym yesterday again, this time even without Lisa. She was feeling kinda sick in the morning so instead of just blowing it off, I got out and went myself. Felt good and I’m enjoying the atmosphere over there. Glad to be pushing myself through the inertia and discomfort. Overall, I think I’m feeling decent on the physical side. I’ve been stretching more regularly, walking/hiking, and a few rounds at the gym and other stuff. My weight has stabilized around its set point of 240-245, where I’ve spent much time in the last dozen years. Feels good to be on solid footing there and to have most of my clothes fit.
To continue trying to find strength and gratitude in the difficult, I’m thankful for the rough patches in my marriage. Without them, I don’t think I’d be trying to improve. Lisa deserves the best and I’ve definitely been making an effort to be more open, honest, loving and appreciative of her. Fighting is painful, but sometimes we push conversations or emotions down, in an effort to spare ourselves. That only results in them coming out in other ways and in negative behaviors. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but I think we are both committed to it, and want it to be the best it can be. I’m glad that I’m taking more initiative, and without the hard times, I probably wouldn’t have done so.
11/29/22: Going to try and continue with being thankful for things that are difficult. I’m grateful for being overweight. Because of that, I picked up running late in life. I learned there is joy in pushing myself and doing things that I never imagined, like running. It’s also made me a better example to the kids. Quincy is pretty aware of his health, not entirely due to me, but I’m sure there’s a tiny speck of inspiration there in seeing me go to the gym, run and trying to eat well. It’s also given me the inspiration to walk, exercise and do things with Lisa. Definitely brought me plenty of suffering over the years, but I think there are also some silver linings, like these.
11/28/22: Still trying to come to grips with things. I want to feel like I’m living a normal life and that things I enjoy are actually enjoyed, not constantly colored with the tinge of being unemployed, or the uncertainty I’m living with each day. Not quite sure how to accomplish this, but I’m thinking about it more specifically, so I think that’s good.
In Mark Manson’s newsletter today, he talked about it. He described his own gratitude journal, in similar terms of what I’ve been doing all these years. Writing about things I like mostly. He said he got sick of that and now tries to find ways to express gratitude, not for the things that are easy to be grateful for, but for what is hard. So here goes.
I’m thankful for not having a job. It’s given me the chance to remember why having one is important. It’s also given me lots of free time, especially with Lisa. We’ve been together a long time and I think the last few years I’ve started to take her for granted, more than I should. Over the last few months I’ve been doing small things to try and change that narrative. Lately, because of all this free time, we’ve been walking a lot and doing more talking. I’m thankful for that and think it’ll prove to be a benefit of being unemployed, for my entire life.
11/27/22: Felt somewhat better yesterday. Did a nice walk of the Post Office loop with Lisa early afternoon, then watched most of the Michigan / OSU game, which was great. Afterward, we headed to Stoughton for Vasco’s annual wine party at his house. We saw all the cousins and had a lot of fun. Tons of awesome food of course and yes, I overdid it a bit, but not horribly. Moving on today with a fresh slate. We saw Imran and Sonya who were visiting from DC. We also saw Antero and his wife and son Carlos, who were all here from the Azores. Such great people to be around and always makes me feel good. Q tagged along which was nice, and he’s developed an attachment to everyone as well, as he’s gotten older. We didn’t stay too late, as it was cold out and he wanted to get back home. We drove by Greenbrook, as he asked to see where I grew up. It was weird driving through there but also kinda nice. I commented on about a million things of course, and then we drove back to the house.
Mid morning, I sent over a 2-page document I put together about the Global Foundation to Catie, the hiring manager. I told her no need to reply, but thought I would share some ideas. It was nothing fancy and I hope it doesn’t come across as amateurish. The idea was to show her some of what I’ve been thinking about and to reinforce my energy for the position. I’m hopeful that this week is going to yield some closure and a job offer. I was on the fence about sending it, but figured if I’m in the running, it wouldn’t hurt me and if I’m not, it also wouldn’t make it worse. Unsure about what the right thing is, but something about sending it felt right. I want to put my absolute best forward in hopes of landing this position, and I’ve genuinely put a lot of thought into the idea of the job, so fuck it, I sent it over. Grateful for the chance to perhaps land such an amazing gig and for the life change (in my own emotions, gratitude and security for my family) that would accompany it.
11/26/22: Went to Lisa’s gym yesterday morning. As mentioned, been sinking lately so I figured keeping with the approach of pushing myself into discomfort would be good. I actually liked it. I skipped a few of the routines that I didn’t really know how to do, or struggled doing, but I kept moving and swapped for other activities. I definitely felt like I had a workout and felt like I could go back again. I’m going to aim to join her again next week when her schedule resumes on Tuesday.
I did feel somewhat better in the afternoon. That’s been a pattern for me in terms of sinking/rising. At times, it can feel so desperate and dark and at others, close to normal. Grateful to be swinging back “up”.
We took a short drive last night after dinner over to the Lake Rico. We parked, got out and walked around. It was cool out but not too cold. We did some stargazing, and just simply enjoyed the quiet and each other. It gave me a bit of perspective at least briefly, about my situation and how insignificant these things are in the grand scheme of the universe.
I also met up with Rilla in the afternoon, and we talked about the DYS music project opportunity. We’ll be meeting with the team next Wednesday and I wanted to prepare ahead of time together. He seems like a great guy and the perfect partner for this project. I think we’ll get approval to go ahead with the classes and hopefully get the kind of budget that will make it a bit helpful for both of us as well. I’ve never really gone into this work with that in mind, but I suppose perhaps I should. Excited to see what comes of this relationship and where it goes for all involved. Grateful to have the opportunity to impact some kids’ lives through music.
Lisa and I were intimate this morning, before getting out of bed. First time in months. I don’t talk about it here much but it’s a problem. My ‘drive’ is much lower than it used to be, assume because of age. There’s also the decades of familiarity between us, which makes it less ‘exciting’ I guess. It’s something I want to work at improving as I know it’s an important part of a healthy marriage. We aren’t so old that it should be a nonstarter, and I know Lisa would be happier with more active sex. I would too. I’m thankful I was able to muster some energy for it this morning and for the chance to get better.
11/25/22: Thanksgiving yesterday. We did the usual Bento/Rogers double header. Being around the family is always nice and I did a fairly good job of controlling my intake of garbage. I stuck to real food and left super full, but not feeling gross. I’m genuinely grateful for all the people in our family, even Dick, in that he’s helped take care of my mom for all these years.
I’ve not been feeling well and backslid the last 36 hours or so. I think it was due to getting pushed off by Global until next week. It’s foolish really, as I knew that a short/holiday week wouldn’t make filling the role a priority for them. I got a nice email from Karin letting me know they were working on things and that she would reach out around Tuesday of next week. I can only imagine that derailed me since nothing else of note really happened.
In the morning, Lisa and I walked/ran through the park. I did pretty well running about 1.75 miles, which is as far as I’ve run since Falmouth. I’m glad I dragged myself out and have been making a legit effort to follow Lisa’s example and push myself through uncomfortable situations.
Afterward, I went to meet Ed. I know he’s alone most days and I wanted to make sure he had some human company on Thanksgiving. I texted him the night before and he told me he was invited over someone’s house and asked me for a ride. So we chatted for about an hour, I brought him some homemade applesauce as a small token of thanks, then I dropped him off for lunch. I’m grateful for our conversations and our friendship overall. He echoed a lot of what I was already thinking, but I felt like I needed someone to talk with, as mentioned above, I haven’t been feeling well.
Seems like as much as I try to focus on the gratitude piece and all the blessings I have, I still return to this place of darkness, at least sometimes. Fortunately, it’s not 100% of the time, but enough to be difficult.
Seeing Bella, Cam and Quincy all together the last few days has been awesome, even if I’m not quite myself and able to fully connect with the beauty of it.
11/23/22: Bella and Cam came home for Thanksgiving last night. It was nice seeing them of course and we made a steak dinner to celebrate being together. They both seem happy and it’s great having them with us for a few days.
Was hoping to perhaps get an answer from Global, but I’m going to have to wait another several days. I did get a note from Karin letting me know they are still working through the process and she would get back to me by Tuesday, after the holiday. I guess it was too much to wish for an answer during the short week, and I understand the need to be patient. I’m struggling with it all and trying to breathe and not get too high on the idea of getting the gig. I know it’s not assured and part of me will most certainly be devastated if it falls through. I don’t want that to happen, of course and am trying to ground myself that I need to take a longer view. Easier said that done, but I have glimpses of moments when that feels possible and others filled with dread that I’ll have to face it.
Been reading some books in an effort to better myself and my self-compassion, and perspective in particular. I’m thankful to have some coping mechanisms in place, and always found comfort in knowledge/books.
11/21/22: I’ll start by saying I had a solid day of food yesterday. Didn’t wallow in the past and made myself proper meals throughout the day. I had initially had plans to get together with Jim and Chuck, but I knew that would probably involve beers and pizza, so I pushed it off. Ideally, I’d be in a place where I could enjoy company without those things being destructive but yesterday wasn’t the day, so avoiding it was my best course. I watched some football and did the Sunday pushup thing, which was good. Wound up feeling better at day’s end, though I am still fighting this chest cold thing, especially in the morning/evening.
Q got his license yesterday! Lisa and I took him to Braintree, where we had to wait outside in the cold. Since we had scheduled with the driving school instead of the registry, it was kinda chaotic. That said, he took the test and passed :). Proud of him and I know how damn happy he must feel. Getting the license is simply one of the greatest days of your life when you’re a kid. It represents freedom, growing up and all sorts of possibilities opening. I’m happy for him, even if I’m a bit nervous about his relative lack of experience. I hope he’ll take it slow, literally and figuratively, in terms of easing into any long trips, highway driving and leaving the area. He has a long way to go especially understanding directions. He really is kinda clueless with regards to any directions or even general understanding of the highways and road systems in our area, even though he’s been seeing them his whole life. I also worry about the radio and his phone. That’s a real menace for lots of kids and I remind him all the time that those things need to be managed. I know I can’t be with him all the time and will need to adjust myself, to him being alone in the car. He’ll do ok, but I guess it’s my job in this case to be a bit of a worrier, which I really haven’t done much of during his 16+ years of life.
11/20/22: My eating has been bad lately. For a while, my appetite was suppressed and I was having stomach issues, due to anxiety. Those have settled to some degree as I’ve been feeling more ‘normal’ emotionally. I’m still not regular in terms of stomach/anxiety but my eating has roared back. Big appetite and I’m also eating low quality foods. Last night Q and I went out to eat at Smokey Bones, we played some pool which was awesome, but I got a huge burger, we shared nachos and I got a beer. I felt pretty awful afterward. It wasn’t the first meal I’ve gone over the top with, it’s been more of a pattern lately, for about the past week or so. To top it off, I had ice cream later in the evening while watching tv, It’s definitely connected with my stomach/anxiety/emotions but I struggled to stop it regardless. Today is a new day and I’m aiming to stabilize with some real food and reasonable amounts.
11/19/22: Been a bit under the weather again the last few days. Got a dry chest and head cold?! Feels weird to be sick so much in a short span. Not sure if it’s a continuation, something new or perhaps a result of the Shingles Vax we got a few days back. In any case, it’s always a chance to reflect on the simple fact of being healthy. As Thich Nhat Hahn describes it ‘no toothache’. When you are sick, or have a toothache, it’s easy to be thankful when it goes away. It’s harder to recognize and be grateful when you simply don’t have those things.
Had my most recent (#5) interview for Global yesterday. I connected with Sarah Soares a few hours before and she is great. She makes me feel confident and gives good advice. I met with 3 women at once, on a zoom, which was interesting. They all seemed nice and engaged, which can be hard on a group call like that. One ran the PMO another was recently promoted to CPO and the last one has been managing the charitable events and other related work. I liked them all and it felt like it went well. Always hard to gauge 100% but there were lots of smiles, head nods and even a few laughs. I followed up with all of them afterward via email and also dropped notes to the 2 recruiters I’ve dealt with as well as Catie, the hiring manager. I let all of them know how much I appreciated their time, and told the recruiter and Catie that I was hopeful to discuss next steps in the coming days. I got a note back from the recruiter saying she’d be in touch early next week. It’s a short / holiday week with Thxgiving coming up, so I know those are usually strapped at the office. Still, I’m hoping we can get to the next step of a formal offer. I’m of course anxious about it all and trying to breathe through it. At this point, it would hurt to be passed over but I know that’s a possible outcome. It probably sounds ego-centric, but I really want to experience the feeling of relief and letting people know I’ve landed someplace awesome. Not in a gloating way, but in a way that makes me feel grounded again, like I’m on solid footing instead of living with daily uncertainty about the job. I know we all live with that whether we realize it or not, but something about having it so raw and exposed has been really tough, of course. I have a ton of empathy for others in this situation and I know there are many. The economy has been difficult this year in corporate america and lots are feeling its wrath.
Quincy had his homecoming dance last night. He didn’t ask any girls, even though I know he wanted to. He’s still shy around that subject, which is cute and also understandable. He’s like me in many ways and that’s an area I really never got comfortable in myself! Anyways, he had the crew over and they all got dressed up. It’s so sweet seeing them together and they seem to have fun, in a wholesome kinda way, not like when we were that age doing lots of stupid shit. They all came back afterward and spent a few hours laughing. I love that our house is a hangout spot for them. His room is big and private and they seem comfortable coming here. I know Lisa and I both are psyched about that and I want it to last as long as possible.
11/17/22: Took Quincy to see Armored Saint last night. Gig was at Big Night Live which is adjacent to the Garden. It’s so much different up there than when I was working at Fleet Center as everything in Boston seems to be. Anyways, the venue is amazing and the place was packed to the gills. They opened for WASP, and I was honestly surprised at the size of the crowd. I had been feeling pretty crummy, in a sick way, the day or two prior and was kinda planning to punt on the show. Quincy buzzed me after school and asked if we were gonna head in, which gave me a boost. As mentioned, he’s been on fire with rock music lately, playing guitar and getting into old metal. The idea of taking him felt right so I mustered my energy and we headed up after dinner. I had texted Joey and he put us on the list. He left us passes as well, so we had the run of the place. We were able to watch their set from the photo pit literally right up front. They were amazing even though John Bush couldn’t sing due to being ill. Minus that, everything was perfect. After Saint, WASP took the stage and Joey texted me. After a few tunes, I found him and we walked backstage to talk. It was really cool and he’s such a great guy. Always easy-going, he made us feel super welcome. I introduced him to Quincy and we just started catching up about family, kids, driving, gigs, etc. and as usual, it was comfortable as it is with certain old friends. We headed into their dressing room and ran into Jeff, Gonzo and Phil along the way. They’re great dudes and totally brought Quincy into the fold with ease. Phil had tossed Q a pick during the show and Gonzo gave him some sticks in the dressing room. As we were coming out, WASP was just coming off stage and their drummer walked past Q and gave him his gig sticks also. He was pumped and I was so thankful to see him in that element. Nothing finer than feeling like a rock star dad, even for just one night. Being able to share that environment with him and the Saint guys meant so much to me. I’m thankful to have made that lifestyle part of my own life and hanging on long enough to have my own kids get a taste is just magical.
11/16/22: Visited my mom and nana yesterday afternoon for lunch. It was nice to see them and Lisa came along. It’s harder to talk with nana these days as she doesn’t hear well at all. You have to shout and still she often can’t make it out. She also forgets and winds up repeating the same thing often. I know it’s tough to expect anything else at 101+ and I’m so grateful that she is still coherent and with us, even in a limited capacity. My mom seems like she’s doing good, which is nice to see. She’s always been pretty healthy and energetic, physically and mentally. We talked about the kids of course and the rest of the family. Typical stuff, but nice to connect with her in person after a while. Our relationship is about as good as it’s ever been and for that I’m grateful, even if it’s not been perfect.
Took Q to guitar center last night as he has been trolling new instruments, as he often does lately. I figured it would be cool for him to see a place like that and get to try some of the guitars he is poking at online. It was fun seeing him there and jamming on a few models. He’s getting better all the time and I think is pretty committed to it long-term. Seems like he is deciding to potentially quit running and also leave Subway. Both would be big changes for him and I think in his mind he wants to free up time for more music. I’m sure he will want another job, especially since he is about to have his license and will need gas money and cash to spend on hanging with his boys. I’m sure he can find something as most restaurants and retail places are hiring these days. Proud of the kid and hopeful he continues progress in his life, regardless whether it is music, work or running.
11/14/22: Spent a rainy day mostly at home watching football. I made a pot of Sunday gravy, which I haven’t done in a while and felt good. We actually didn’t even eat it, as we had some other items that needed to be cooked. Lisa made a roast beef for dinner, which is always awesome. Still, cooking the sauce was fun and something I like doing in general. It’s a slow process and you don’t really need to give it tons of attention, so you can do it on the side, kinda like watching football. I had a good rebound day on the food side, after overdoing it the night before at the party and then with ice cream before bed, which made me feel crappy. I was able to leave that behind and concentrate on just moving forward with a solid day of real foods. During the games, Lisa and I did pushups, which is something we’ve done in the past. Every score is 3/7 or whatever amount of pushups. We did it all day and landed somewhere over 120 in total, which is a ton for me, especially lately. Felt good to keep getting up, and feeling my muscles get sore for real. I also did some stretching, which I’ve done much more of these past couple weeks, including my morning routine with the Bend app. Q had to work, so I took him there and back, which is another source of joy. I get to spend extra time with him in the car, which almost always leads to conversations about music or whatever is the case. Thankful for a simple day at home to be feeling happy about it.
11/13/22: Went to a family party for Mya’s sweet 16. Party was at Luis Camoes in Stoughton, an old haunt for the family. It was really great to see everyone and reminded me how awesome our crew is. We saw Dorothy and her clan, Liz and Noon, Lemmy and his family including Kevin and his kids, who we have never actually met. Janice, Kathy and her kids, Robert and Gisele, Anna and Tia Inez, Helena and Vasco too Connie Raposo and one of their sons was also there. Anyways, you get the picture. We had a few beers and of course plenty of Portuguese food that Noon’s dad made. Always thankful for the family parties, which aren’t as frequent as they once were. It’s such a great group of people who want to have fun and enjoy themselves.
We couldn’t stay super long unfortunately, because we had to pickup Quincy from subway. He worked a Saturday night shift as his boss asked a favor, since they are so short staffed. Seems like he is on the verge of giving his notice which I think is probably a good idea at this point. I do think it’s good for him to work a little bit, but don’t want him having any stress about it at this point in life. He’s focused on school, running and music. Plus, he needs time to just be. He’s a homebody and enjoys having plenty of downtime, which I respect. The boss over there is pretty overbearing, imo and I’m sure he’ll wind up getting another job before too long, since he also likes having his own money. I think getting a new perspective and trying something besides subway will be a positive experience for him long-term.
11/12/22: Q had his final XX meet yesterday afternoon. He was supposed to just be an alternate, as it was some kind of post-season meet just for the main varsity runners. He’s always been on the cusp of that, but since a few kids couldn’t attend, he wound up getting the nod to run. He had a decent race, not his best, but still a 20 minute 5k, which is pretty darn good. He went into it with a good attitude and I believe he tried his best, which is all you can ask. I can’t even really explain how much I love this kid. He’s such an amazing person, age aside. He works hard at track, music, school, subway and with his social life. He does all of them pretty damn good and is generally happy, healthy and loving all around. It’s hard to describe as a parent, but I think as I’ve gotten older, I fell in love with him even more. Bella too. I always loved both kids of course, but somehow I feel closer and more loving and protective towards them now that I feel like I used to. Super thankful for both of them, not only in our lives, but for the world at large.
Feeling overall better these last few days. Still not 100% for sure, but glad to be a bit closer to ‘myself’. I really want to continue working on myself, regardless of how the job search goes in the near term. Of course I want to get this job at Global, but even if I do, I’m pledging to myself not to make that my lone focus. I also pledge to keep non-priorities to a minimum. Stuff like family, health and my mental well being will remain at the forefront for me instead of side projects, Rawkstars, GBB, gigs or other non-essential items in my life.
11/11/22: Had a pretty good day yesterday. Went to my first appointment with Linda, the therapist I found online. She was pretty cool and easy to talk to. I found her to have some insight quickly, which is what I was after. Glad I decided to pursue this and feel like it will be a good exercise for me, even aside from the layoff stuff.
I got myself to the gym for the first time in quite a while. I’ve been walking, biking, hiking and trying to move but haven’t seen the inside of Planet Fitness in forever. I always found it to be somewhat motivating seeing others workout and being in the same space. I didn’t necessarily feel that yesterday, and I kind of ground my way through some upper body weight stuff, but am glad I pushed myself in that direction.
I did some reading and youtube videos that helped me. Of course Sadhguru was one, but I also watched some stuff mostly about self-compassion and Metta. Those are concepts I’m familiar with but an area that I definitely need to work at improving. I’m very hard on myself and I think that’s one aspect of the job loss that is hurting me. I’m viewing myself through a lens of negativity because I was let go and wasn’t able to dodge that bullet. I talked with the therapist about it and also connected the dots with the fact that the job meant so much to me, especially a few years ago having pulled me from the brink of near madness, to salvation. Having that taken from me is more than simply getting laid off and while it’s normal for it to hurt, I think realizing that fact was important. Grateful to have a bit of clarity for the day, I really needed it.
I also got a text message from Noelle, who also got let go. It was sweet of her to think of me, and in turn, I reached out to Stephanie B. When we last met, I knew she was hurting and at the time I was actually doing a bit better than recently. I wanted to let her know I was here and thinking of her. It’s helpful to know others are going through the same struggles and it goes way beyond Hasbro, as many big companies are cutting thousands of people worldwide. I feel for all of them.
Lastly, I finally got in touch with Chrystalline, who offered to write a grant against the Guitars Behind Bars project. She was really nice and seems like she might be an amazing resource for Rawkstars. We had a nice chat and I got her the info she needed to get started. I’m curious to see if we might actually be able to find grant money, as that’s never really been an area of focus or success for me, outside of the GBKF stuff through Dave and a few small checks over the years from companies. Thankful to have met her and excited for what might come from her efforts.
11/10/22: Did a walk at Fields Park yesterday with Lisa. Felt like getting out of the area so we drove there and did the 3+ mile loop. I was stuck by the fact that I used to be able to run that loop 2x! As usual, I thought about what I did before instead of the fact that we just had a nice walk. I didn’t get hung up on it, but it popped into my head nonetheless.
In the morning, I took Lisa’s car to get a new battery. She had mentioned it a few times having trouble starting. I wanted to get it sorted before she got stuck someplace. With Quincy also on the verge of getting his license, I want the car to be safe. I also filled the tires, which were low on air. It felt good to be productive and do something helpful. I want to spend even more time doing those things, in an effort to make my time here at home good for the family and myself. The guy at the store was super friendly. He was laughing with his co-worker and I felt jealous. I remembered how nice it is to simply work with others and connect with them that way regularly, without any cloud of sadness being present. I’ve had plenty of folks reach out to me, but our connections seem to be colored with that, at least on my side.
Nick Vecchio called me. He left me a VM last week and called at least one other time. I saw his name yesterday and decided to pickup. He was simply checking in as he knew I had surgery and hadn’t heard from me or seem me online. It was really sweet actually and I am blessed to have many people thinking of me. Nick didn’t even know about my layoff so it made it feel even nicer.
Got an email last night about round #4 of interviews at Global. I continue to live/die with these, so it was of course nice to see them reach out. Still waiting for the official scheduling, but a second recruiter asked me about my availability for this/next week. Fingers crossed I’ll see an invite today for this group session. I’ll be on pins and needles waiting for it. I wish I could be less attached to the idea of getting this job, but that’s where my struggle lies.
I saw a Sadhguru video yesterday and it made me smile. He is the absolute master at explaining things and his words have resonated with me hard since I first stumbled on his videos. He talked about how all experience is internal and we can’t ever achieve joy if we are always looking at external circumstance. I totally get it, even if I get caught up constantly in that pattern. Even glimpsing his concept for a few minutes was liberating and I want to keep it close to mind going forward. I can decide how I feel about things, even being unemployed and staying home every day. There really is no reason I cannot embrace it, figure out ways to do things I want to and use the time to my advantage and even find joy in it. Thankful that I have some of Sahdguru’s wisdom in my life.
I’m continuing down the path towards the volunteer work doing hospice. I filled out a ton of forms and signed up for a drug screen. I have to get that done and have all my paperwork processed. I thought a lot about it and although I think it will scare the shit out of me, it’s drawing me towards doing it. I’d like to be a comfort to these folks and their families. I think I can learn a lot from it, so I don’t know if I’m motivated by selfishness, or a genuine desire to help in the time of need for them. Does it matter? I guess maybe not.
11/9/22: Another day of feeling up/down/numb. It was Lisa’s b-day and Quincy had the day off for the election. Since all 3 of us were home, we decided to take Lisa down to Plymouth for lunch and a short walk. It wound up being kinda cold, so the walking didn’t turn out to be much, so we ducked into a restaurant for sandwiches. It was a weird kind of place, with a demure vibe. Nothing alarming at first, but we kept commenting on how odd the vibe was. While we were there, Q googled the place and learned it was run by a religious group. It wasn’t overtly religious but it all kinda made sense once we found that out. Later we watched some videos about it and had some laughs. The food wasn’t very good, but I suppose it was memorable.
Without extra money, I decided to write Lisa a letter, a love letter I suppose for her special day. I drafted it on the computer the night before, then spent a while hand-writing it on paper to give to her. I told her how much she means to me and the family and pointed out some of the awesome things about her. Her care-taking approach to everyone, her cooking, music, fitness, beauty, family, etc. I want her to really understand how much I love her and to make her feel special. She doesn’t ask for much and leads a pretty simple life. I haven’t been the best partner in certain ways over the last couple years, especially physically/mentally, and I want to be more supportive and get better in any way I can to make Lisa’s life better. Grateful for her presence in my life all these decades!
Another quiet day regarding Global. I was hopeful for another email/interview time but it didn’t come. Karin, the recruiter, was ooo, so I’m hoping it was simply a matter of her not getting to it before leaving. I know it’s unreasonable in some ways for me to expect such quick turnaround on all this as I’ve seen first-hand it doesn’t generally work that way. I’m doing my best to breathe through it and not come off as desperate. I don’t like feeling anxious to open my email and see something / nothing there. It’s awful actually. Continued hope that this progresses and I get another call back.
I filled out the intake forms for a therapist I found online. I have an appointment to see her tomorrow. I think it’s a good idea for me to start talking to a professional, in hopes of improving my outlook and life skills to cope. I don’t really know what to expect, but it seems prudent to go down this path before I get worse and I know getting out of this funk will be from an accumulation of small things, aimed at taking better care of me.
To that end, I also looked for volunteer opportunities that I might be able to tackle. I found a meal delivery thing as well as a hospice organization. Both sound kind cool and I think I will try each one for sure. I want to have more structure to my days, as the uncertainty and boredom are simply not good for me. I also think it would be cool to use my time and energy in service of others. I had given thought to the hospice thing in the past, as I believe that being with folks at that point in their life might be rewarding and result in improved perspective for myself. It’s of course the hardest thing many will ever face and being there for someone I don’t even know sounds like a worthwhile use of anyone’s time. Comforting families in their most difficult time is just about the nicest thing I think we could do as compassionate humans, so maybe it will be good for them and good for me?
Bella got tattooed. She got some lyric quote from Paramore, her favorite band on her ribcage. It’s pretty small and innocuous. She sent a pic in our family chat and Lisa replied with a nice note, which I’m sure made her feel good. I’m glad she is finding herself and growing into an amazing woman. The kids really are our pride and joy. I feel that more now than ever. Maybe because they are getting older or because I am? Whatever the reason, I see how incredible they both are on a daily basis and I’m so fucking proud to be their dad. I want to do everything in my power to continue helping them on their journey and ensure they have the very best lives possible. I pledge to commit myself to that end first and foremost, in support of them and Lisa. They mean the absolute world and at the end of the day, everything else is really superfluous.
11/8/22: Went to the park with Lisa and Laurie yesterday morning. We walked and then did some running. It was my first run since Falmouth and post-hernia, so it’s been 2+ months. I felt pretty good. I didn’t get super far but it was nice to run, especially through the wooded parts of the path. It was also a good pattern for the day, since I didn’t have too much idle time in the morning and it felt good to have even a little bit of a pattern.
My other goal for yesterday was to submit my unemployment claim. I found out that someone had been using my social security # for a false claim, starting in 2021 :/ – that meant that I had to speak with someone in the identity theft division and submit a bunch of paperwork proving who I am. The gentlemen I spoke with was helpful, although the process is weird of course. He said it would take about 2 weeks for them to clear things up and at that time he would call me with instructions to setup my own account. I’m glad to be on the path to sorting this out. I suppose it will be comforting to know that once my severance runs out, the unemployment would kick in, meaning I won’t have to immediately use my own money to support the family. It will give us more money to purchase health insurance, which will be a big expense we don’t currently have.
In the evening, Quincy has his cross country year end banquet. It’s a fun event where all the kids and parents get together and celebrate the season. Q didn’t win any awards, but he was right in the mix of the kids as usual. He gave a speech for Jack Pawlowski, one of the graduating seniors, who is also his close friend. It was super sweet and he loves Jack tremendously. He also made a video for the team, which they didn’t play for the crowd, but he shared with the team. He’s such a great teammate and it’s so nice to see his leadership, even though he’s not in the top tier of runners. One of the other moms, Mrs. Calley, also gave a bouquet of flowers to Lisa, for hosting all the pasta nights. It was really thoughtful and emblematic of how cool all the folks are around the team. Really grateful that Q found a home with this crew and xx has been a big part of his maturity over the last few years.
All quiet on the Global job front. I did get emails back from both Catie and Karin. Catie thanked me and complimented me on the corporate videos I shared over the weekend. Karin said she would connect with the team and get back to me about a follow up. I know it’s only one day and scheduling that can be difficult. It’s just tough being in this pattern of living and dying with this job and the process. I’m trying my hardest to be patient and I’m confident that I’m doing the best I can, but it’s such a heavy burden. The opportunity is such a light at the end of this tunnel, so it’s hard not to get stressed when even a day goes by without any news. Breathe.
11/7/22: Hiked Blue Hills with Lisa. Felt good and the weather has been simply amazing. It’s been in the 70s the last few days, which is really warm for early November. Afterward, we went to Lambert’s and got sandwiches, which is always a treat. My stomach had been in knots from the apple pie / portuguese lunch / overeating the day before, but I regained my footing. That’s a great thing to see and something I’ve been much better at the last few months. I know I’ll always stumble and have bad stretches of eating, but being able to rebound quickly without sinking into a protracted stretch of bad habits is key. I’m continuing to stretch as well and doing the morning routine. I also did some extra stretches while I was watching football and even banged out pushups during the game after each score, as I’ve done in the past. I’m figuring that at minimum, I can try and start building some routine around physical health. If anything good is going to come from this unscheduled life I’m leading, it’s that I can spend some of the ample downtime doing things for my body. Hopefully that will result in improved emotional well being as a side effect. I made a pledge that I was going to sort out the unemployment thing today also. That’s my main priority and hopefully that will help me to feel even more secure from a financial standpoint to have that taken care of and know I’ll have extra income heading our way. It might seem trivial but I think there’s something to it. Thankful to have made it through another week and although I’m certainly not feeling like ‘myself’, I’m looking for small things to hold onto.
11/6/22: Apple Pie bake-off yesterday. Lisa and I made a pie together :). We didn’t win but came in 3rd, which was awesome. Our pie wasn’t that great and Alex won (again). It was a bigger crowd than usual with some new faces. Always a good time. I overate, but not as badly as some instances when I’m at these endless food events. I stayed away from drinking and that might have helped. Bella and Cam were there which was awesome and Q brought his guitar. So cool to see him embracing playing in front of people, especially our musical friends. I’m really appreciating our family time more than ever lately. With Bella growing up and nearly being done with college and Q getting closer to that age also, it’s really striking me how valuable these little times are and how much I enjoy them. I suppose it’s another ‘benefit’ of how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s making me painfully aware of how nice it is to simply be and relish things like family time, without the need to make any big deal from it.
I rode my bike yesterday for the first time in like a year! I didn’t go super far, but just a few miles around the area. It was warm out and I just wanted to see how it would feel. I’m glad I did it and aim to get back on again much sooner than this last stretch. My hernia didn’t bother me and although there was a bit of being uncomfortable with my scrotum, that’s always a thing when bike riding. Hopeful to continue some kind of movement/exercise as the new week unfolds tomorrow and I try to find some routine that I can cling to.
11/5/22: Started out rough yesterday but evened off later in the day. As mentioned, the mornings seem to be worse for me mentally. I got myself moving a little bit and actually filled my bike tires after an entire year of sitting idle. I tooled around the circle and church for a few laps and it felt good. Lisa and I also walked again, which has been a solid occurrence.
Continue to hear from folks in my network from way back, including Greg Stahovec and Tom Spicer. I worked with both, briefly, during separate stints at Digitas. It’s a nice reminder about how amazing people truly are and how much caring for others even with a simple note is appreciated. I got a few nice texts from Dave M, who is in Portugal now, and who is basically offering me a role at his company. I’m unsure whether that might be a good fit for me long-term, but his energy around the idea is pretty fucking cool.
Jerry texted me as well and we wound up having a long conversation, which helped. Same with Ed Keefe, who checks on me regularly as well as Sterling. These guys are all great friends and I won’t ever forget how much love they continue to show me. I hope I can repay that sometime for all of them and once I land on my feet, I want to write them and let them know. Actually, there’s probably no good reason to wait, other than I might have improved perspective in communicating to them how much it meant. I really am blessed in that department.
Later in the afternoon, Q asked me to drive with him for some errands. I like going with him generally, as we always listen to music (his choice) but we also usually talk a lot. I’m going to really miss that once he has his own license. Anyways, we stopped at the music store and he asked me about the job hunt. I was fairly open with him about my emotional state and he gave me great advice, as he usually does. He’s so friggin wise for his age and I sometimes can’t believe how much insight he has about life. I suppose some of it is due to Lisa and I, and the influence as parents. That feels pretty darn good I must say and gives me yet one more thing to be grateful about, even if I’m swirling around this job stuff.
I looked online and found a couple of therapists in the area. I think seeing someone would be a good idea for me, and it’s something I probably should have been doing all along, for my own benefit. I heard back from one woman and have an appointment next week, which I’m happy about. Having someone to provide me perspective is important. I have this pattern of always seeing the bits of the picture which aren’t perfect. Seems like even when I have big wins in life, I tend to gloss over them and reflect on the parts that could have been better. I feel like I was doing that with my Hasbro gig, even though it basically saved my life 2 short years ago. I was digging much of what I did, but a few elements didn’t jive with what I wanted. I also got a bit hung up on being promoted. Not because I needed extra money or even accolades in life. I’ve had more than my share of those, but because I saw others being promoted and I felt like I deserved it too. Not sure where all that comes from but I think working on it with someone, and probably other things, would be a healthy idea for me, even after I restart my work life.
Lastly, I had my follow up with Catie over at Global and it went well, I think. I had the chance to ask her lots of questions and it made me feel even more attracted to the job. She seems like a powerhouse and working for her would probably be a great chance for me to really learn. She’s overseeing several departments which I don’t have much insight about including Sustainability and Government Affairs, which are two related areas in my world that I’ve had little exposure to. The role really seems to have a ton of runway and a chance to build, almost from scratch, with a company that has resources and desire to invest in this facet. I’m really hopeful to continue to process and get an offer at some point. I don’t want to look at it as a magic bullet, and want to commit to some of the things I need to work on as described here recently. Namely, my perspective, my marriage, my physical health and my relationships.
11/4/22: Chugging along, feeling wobbly. It’s kind of like having a blanket over you, like every activity has a mild coloring to it, that isn’t usually there when you’re feeling ‘normal’. I need to figure out tactics for getting myself through this. I’ve had moments/hours of clarity, but they haven’t lasted.
Yesterday, Lisa and I drove down to Plymouth and walked a cool path in the woods. It was a gorgeous day and a really nice park/loop. It felt good to be outside and moving. I think creating some kind of real daily routine would help me out. At minimum, it would give me some structure to my morning and kill some time. I know that sounds kind of awful, in terms of just wanting to pass time, but I think it’s something I need to sort out. I mentioned the mornings being kind of tough and that feels true. I’m going to try and write out some kind of routine, that includes exercise, meditation, reading, practicing bass and perhaps some kind of project or Rawkstars work. I think if I time-box it, it might help?!
I have been doing a morning stretch routine, which is only 5 minutes, but I’ve noticed my body feeling a bit better because of it. It’s getting a little easier each day and I’m able to sink into the stretches more than I could just last week. Maybe if I could use this downtime to focus on my body, my mind will follow?
I also got an official follow up invite to re-connect with Catie at Global. I’m literally living and dying with these communications. Even though she mentioned it, I didn’t feel it was real until I saw the invite this morning. I’m so incredibly thankful for this job opportunity, but also scared shitless that I might lose it if it falls away. I’m trying to just breathe and focus in on whatever I can do to keep pushing towards getting an offer. I actually visited one of their retail sites yesterday after our walk in Plymouth. It was a super nice store, kind of like a Whole Foods style convenience store / gas station. They had mostly high end, local products on the shelves and a sandwich shop inside. There was a woman outside giving out samples of turkey jerky, which was delicious and they were smoking BBQ as well. I’m certainly not the type of person who frequents convenience stores, and almost never even go in one. That aside, it was a really well put together place and reflects well on the company, that they are elevating the experience which tons of people have in their daily lives. I also scoured the webpage for the store and learned that they support local musicians, in addition to businesses which create the farm stand type products at the store. All those things are cool and demonstrate that they are at least trying to create some good from commerce.
11/3/22: Doing ok, with continued shades of light and dark. Mornings seem to be more acute for some reason, perhaps due to the fact that I’d typically be gearing up for work?! Had some nice conversations with Lisa and it feels good to be open with her, without feeling burdensome. We’re all starting to recover from being ill, which is definitely nice to see.
I had my 2nd interview with Global yesterday, and met the hiring manager Catie finally. It started a bit awkwardly but unfolded nicely I think. Once we started to talk about the job and philanthropy and strategy we really started to align. She was nodding her head a lot and saying she felt validated by everything I was saying, in terms of that being her vision of what the Global Foundation should look like. That felt amazing of course and our conversation got much more relaxed as it went on. We ran out of time and she offered to follow up on Friday (tomorrow) which I’m hopeful will materialize. I’m more excited about the job each time I take a step, but it’s also triggering me a bit, probably in fear that I won’t get it and feel the next round of rejection. It’s of course all mental, but of course feels very real. My mind and body are conspiring in that way. I know intellectually that I can survive with this or any job for a while, but I can’t seem to process that into a calm about the situation. I think it’s still because I’m hurt but also something to do with the identity I have with my work and being an overachiever in general. I can’t quite put it together but those are some things I’m thinking about.
I heard back from P/L and at least for now, it’s a no-go. Alan politely declined their request to fund my position. I totally understand and though it smarts a little, in some ways it could be for the best. If I were to get offered the Global job, it probably would have put me in the position to have to back out of P/L. I’m sure they would have understood on some level, but it also wouldn’t have felt good, after they went out on a limb for me. I had been thinking about this as an outlet in the event that Global falls through, but probably need to put it out of my mind, at least for now. There may be a scenario for me to work with them for cheap, which I would probably do, but for now I’ll have to pause on this track.
I also got a callback about the Operations role at Fidelity Foundations. It’s kind of exciting, though a different kind of gig than Global or P/L. It’s more tactical and P/M & tech oriented, but could also be a good fit and a great company. Regardless, it feels good to continue to get some activity as I know that’s the biggest part of the battle here. If I can keep interviewing and attracting leads, I know one will eventually pan out. I guess I’ll end by saying I’m thankful for all this, even if my body and mind aren’t feeling that thankfulness at the moment.
11/2/22: Felt ever so slightly better yesterday. Still dealing with the effects of being sick and this flu thing has ripped through the house. Quincy has been sick for about 4 days and I’m about the same. Lisa has also been pretty sick and we’ve all been relatively down and out. The depression thing is still there a bit but also perhaps slightly more calm. It’s hard to separate if my body is signaling physical or mental stuff, probably a bit of both.
I got out in the morning and drove down to meet with Matt K @ PeaceLove. I wanted to simply connect with him in person and get a bit more feel around everything on that side. In addition to the pendulum effect I’ve described with my mental state, I feel kinda the same about these jobs that are in front of me. Some day I’m thinking P/L might be awesome for me and a real chance to do something new, different and powerful. I connect with the mental health thing obviously and Matt in particular seems like an amazing guy to be around. At other times I feel like I wouldn’t be happy there due to the less structured day to day of running a company like that. I’m most certainly making all this up in my mind since I have no clue what it really is like being there, I’m just trying to describe the mental gymnastics that are taking place within me lately. Matt said they were planning to send the proposal to Alan later this week and most likely would have a quick answer. It will be a good step to have one of these paths come to a head, and maybe some positive change along with it?
On my drive home I saw Jerry Bates. I went by his house and he was outside with his dog so I pulled over. He’s a good dude and very laid back in his life view. I enjoyed talking with him and was jealous of his ability to be so at ease. He literally doesn’t seem worried about anything, which I’m sure is probably not true, at least sometimes. In all actuality we are all dealing with our own ups/downs and I know that to be true. Still, some people have a genuine carefree way and are able to really exude that type of energy and I get that from Jerry. He made a surfing analogy which I liked about just letting a wave come by and then deciding if I want to ride it or not. It’s ok to let some go by because another will eventually be behind it. He also doesn’t seem to be driven by money or status or perception, which are attractive traits to me. I feel like those are things I need to embrace more. I’ve had more than my share of accolades and successes in life. I’d like to be able to simply ‘be’, without always needing to look for more or the next big idea. Not sure what it is I’m trying to prove to others or myself by being so wired like that. I have decent health, a great family, friends, relative financial security and a long history of awesome experiences. Why is it that I can’t be content with my role as a dad, husband and whatever job I’m lucky to have to pay my bills? I think it would be good to explore this with someone and I’d like to consider some kind of therapy, to help me get closer to this kind of insight. I think it would result in me being a better person and happy with what is, instead of what isn’t.
In the evening, I met up with Luke, this guy from California I met online about 6 weeks back. Pretty sure I mentioned him earlier, but he has a business that’s involved with psychedelics and was in town for a neuro-pharmacology conference or some such thing. He’s an interesting dude and I had a fun night hanging with him. He also invited along a couple other friends, since he’s spent time in this area and seems like he’s in a constant state of travel. He’s pretty interested in the GBB / Rawkstars stuff and the premise of connecting was to help with that. He talked a lot about his own path and dropped names like candy. Investors, political folks and business types. There wasn’t anything really solid there, imo, and I’m not sure I have the energy/desire to really go deep into this world to make something happen. As described above, I feel more drawn towards the idea of settling into something simpler. That’s not an admission of old age or lameness, but an acknowledgement that I’ve already accomplished a lot and perhaps it’s time to focus on other things instead of achievement? I’ve dropped a few lbs. lately, and overall am down close to 20lbs in this calendar year. I began 2022 aiming to lose and have done fairly well. I’ve certainly not been on a straight line downward and there’s plenty more I could do. I’ve also given at least a little bit more attention to my marriage, but again, not as much as I could or want to. Things like that feel more fulfilling to me at the moment than attracting funds for GBB or launching some other venture for myself. I think I’d like to land a gig where I can settle into a routine, put forward my energy for making things better within the context of that 9-5 approach and use any additional bandwidth/energy I have for the family and my own well being. That feels right and perhaps this layoff shattering my world a bit will help me to appreciate what I already have and come out the other side with a more grounded approach to the other parts of my life? When is enough, enough?
11/1/22: Had a rough day yesterday, but sun started shining through a bit more later in the day. In an effort to face these feelings and address them proactively, I’m going to write about it more here. Beyond the symptoms I mentioned below, I also noticed my appetite was zero. That’s a huge red flag for me, as I’m almost never feeling that way, even being sick sometimes. I was feeling the sadness in my whole body, not just in my head too, which made me remember what it was like living with it a few years back. In the afternoon I had a nice chat with Lisa about things. I came at it gently and with her feelings in mind beyond just my own. I know she is having a rough patch as well, regarding jobs / her value / confidence and I want to continue being mindful of that. Anyways, as it was before, I think these feelings that come to the forefront in a some of crisis mode, are usually not solely reflective of the obvious reason, in my case getting laid off. That’s definitely a tipping point and part of the equation, but I think my overall life is a contributing factor. Lisa and I have had a great relationship over the years. Certainly not perfect and in the last several years we’ve had different types of challenges than we had as younger people. I know she will always have my back and sometimes I take that for granted. ‘Team Jacobs’ is a motto we sometimes use but it’s more than that. It’s a real thing that I should be more grateful for that I have been. I get focused on myself too often and see the world through the lens of ‘me’ instead of ‘us’. It’s something I’ve gotten more aware of but not fully embedded in my psyche to the degree I think is warranted. I want to be a better husband, partner and lover to Lisa. I know I’ve failed on some of that in these last years and it’s deserving of my attention even more than solving my job crisis. Anyways, we had an awesome talk and I told her I was here to listen on her side, if she needed to vent also. That felt good and I know she appreciated it. I also had good chats with Q and Bella was texting me to check in as well. The kids are fucking amazing and I continue to learn from their example or at least see it and wish to emulate it. I’m so very much in love with both of them and all they bring to our lives and the world for that matter.
On the job side I had a brief, but cool call with a recruiter for a position within Fidelity Foundations, which is a philanthropic arm of the financial company. The gig is more of an operations job, running projects internally to help improve the org, which has grown a ton in the last few years. The idea of doing something for a foundation, though not directly involving grantmaking or programming isn’t something I might have though of, but sounds kinda in my wheelhouse. The org is smallish, but hugely powerful and financially strong. I feel like it’s the size where I could have a big impact on improving their own efficiency, storytelling, technical acumen and processes, which in turn should help them work with nonprofit partners better. In any case, I plan to follow up with the recruiter, who seemed to indicate her willingness to formally interview me after our chat. I need to draft a cover letter and go from there. Nice to see such a gig and to consider more possible roles for myself that have legs.
10/30/22: Getting a little bit dark for me lately internally. Feeling some symptoms of the depression and anxiety I had a couple years ago. Kinda came outta nowhere and I’m trying to figure out what’s up. I’ve been sick the last couple days with a head cold, which probably isn’t helping and also having a bit of discomfort in my scrotum still. It’s not overwhelming or acute but feels a bit worse than it did last week, when I thought I was going to be in the clear. Anyways, unsure where this is all coming from and trying to write about it in an effort to get clarity. I’m noticing little things like my internal dialogue and feeling up/down like a rollercoaster. Yesterday my lawn mower died after I spent the prior day enjoying working in the yard. I got more bummed than I should have about the mower. I also noticed a few times that I was short of breath, which I remember from a few years ago too before I had the panic attack. Not sure if that’s related to being ill, but another thing I felt.
I’m scheduled for later this week for the Global interview. I did some more prep and thinking about it over the weekend and actually have some thoughts I plan to share on the call which I think are pretty powerful. I’m desirous to do all I can to nail that interview and get to the next round. I had actually been feeling really positive about all that and perhaps something about the impending interview is causing me stress? Maybe I’m scared I won’t get it and what will happen if I don’t but maybe I’m scared I will get it?! I know this all sounds crazy, welcome to mental health 🙂 — speaking of which, as I lay awake last night I was thinking more about the Peace Love guys and that potential role. I had been downplaying it in my mind lately in favor of this corporate thing, but perhaps I’m on the wrong track and that’s what has me swirling? There’s a lot to like about the potential of working there, with those guys, on that mission. I can certainly relate to the problem! I also like the location and can 100% be myself with them. They also reached out to me in a dark hour with an offer of love and respect. Maybe I’m afraid to bet on myself and simply want to continue with the false security and prestige offered by corporate america? Last week was fairly quiet on the P/L front, and I’m not sure if it’s just a natural pause, or if it’s because I let it slack instead of pushing harder to make progress.
That’s the other thing, maybe I’m just pushing too hard and not relaxing or separating or grieving or whatever I’m supposed to be doing. I guess that’s all part of the problem here. I really don’t know what the fuck to do on a daily basis or how to feel about it all. I’ve lost my schedule, my friends, my patterns, and maybe my mind is simply following suit? I’m certainly hopeful that isn’t the case and I want to arrest that possibility before it gets worse, but not certain as to how. I’m trying to write about it here and also keep my stretching and decent eating routine going. I have also dropped a couple lbs. but I don’t want that to be for the wrong reasons.
I really do have a shitload to be thankful for. I have my awesome kids and wife. I still have a long runway financially that will keep me whole for many many months. I have two job opportunities that each have a lot of great aspects to them even though neither are locked in. I’m relatively healthy, despite this temporary cold and swollen ball issue.
10/29/22: Got a callback for the Global gig! I’m onto the second round, which feels absolutely amazing. My next interview will be with the hiring manager and a few others from the org. I got the email late last night and felt elated when I saw it. I felt like my recruiter call went well, but not hearing anything for a couple days had me unsure. That’s part of the job search world. You get excited about a posting, a call, or any positive step really. Then there can be long stretches of nothing, which brings you down and leaves you wondering. It’s all happening at a time when you’re also feeling hurt to begin with, so it’s very acute. In any case, I’ve been doing ok and am super psyched about the next step. Thankful.
Lisa and I went to a Halloween party last night with Kelly Pedersen, thrown by her sister. It was fun and I wore my classic Jake Blues / John Belushi getup and Lisa did the Sandy Rock Chick look from Grease. She looked fab of course and I was happy enough with mine. Kelly is super nice as is her husband Bill. We’ve hung out with them a few times, and I’m glad we are friendly with them. As a bonus, the party included a vote for a local charity prize and Rawkstars won! So I left with $500 to put towards the charity which was unexpected and awesome.
10/28/22: Quiet’ish day yesterday, though I did meet Noelle Harvey for coffee. She got laid off too and reached out to me online, so we met. She seems pretty cool and again, it’s nice to connect with people but also stalling the process of moving on somewhat. I suppose it’s just the natural phase of disconnecting that I’m going through and it can’t happen as quickly or easily as I’d prefer. Quiet on the news front with regards to the two open things I’ve got brewing. Hopeful for some news on either/both by early next week.
Unfortunately, it sounds like Lisa’s potential local job isn’t going anyplace. She messaged the woman she met with and got no answer. I know she’s feeling bad about it and I’m trying to be comforting. Adding to the rollercoaster of getting laid off is this job search process which is by definition filled with ups/downs. You find something that sounds great and get excited, then feel deflated when you don’t get called back or get passed over. It makes the whole transition more difficult. I know we will get through all this and I just want to stabilize things so Lisa will also feel secure and not pressured.
Got a call from Dave Yuknat last night, my old UP friend who is on the board of the Grace B Kerr Fund, who has gifted Rawkstars twice. He confirmed that they are going to support us once more, in the ballpark of $20k! That’s really good news and will cap our best year ever, with another bang. Weirdly, my energy/excitement for RS has been really low lately. Perhaps I’m overwhelmed with everything else in life and just don’t have the emotional capacity to give it? I’m thankful for Dave and for GBKF and all they’ve done to support us. Depending on when we receive the funding and how our next few months unfold, we could hit the $100k mark in our bank account. It’s totally arbitrary but always a goal I’ve had in my mind. It would be pretty amazing to see it, even if it’s short-lived and not really reflective of anything in particular. I guess it shows how much I’m measuring things by money?!
10/27/22: Missed posting yesterday, but had my recruiter call on Tuesday and I think it went well. I haven’t officially heard back yet but at the end, the recruiter asked for my availability next week to interview with the hiring manager, so my fingers are crossed. Hard! It felt good to get that first one out of the way. My confidence rose during the call and I felt pretty comfortable talking about my background, etc. and fortunately, the recruiter was easy-going. Everything about the role continues to feel good and it sounds like they have plenty of opportunity to work hybrid, with a focus on remote so I wouldn’t have to endure a terrible commute. They also pay bonuses and the salary is above my previous range, even on the low end. Very hopeful for a call back, but also trying hard not to get ahead of myself.
Connected with Ed yesterday down at his place. Always a good sounding board, he echoed my financial security and ability to find a great job. He told me to definitely not rush into anything, which a ton of people have also said. It’s complicated to embrace that, given my lifetime of wiring towards solutions and productivity. I can see and even kind of feel the wisdom in taking a few months away from all this, but actually doing so is about the most scary thing I can envision. That probably indicates it’s the right thing to do but I’ll most likely have to be forced into that by these opportunities drying up, which would also hurt me greatly. I’m thankful for Ed’s friendship. He understands me and we’re able to talk on a level that I’m not able to do with many others.
I also sold my 78 Jazz bass yesterday finally. I had posted it on Reverb about a month ago. It got a lot of traction and a few offers, but this guys named Mark from San Francisco reached out to me offline and bought it. At first I was skeptical, as he wanted to do the transaction outside of the system. We texted a few times and spoke on the phone, after which he offered me $3,150 and I accepted. It took him a few days to mail the check, but it arrived and cleared yesterday. He took a chance sending me the money that way and it’s good to know there are still trusting souls out there. So I got a bunch of packing material, bought a label, insured it to protect both of us and it’s on its way to SF! Grateful to find such a worthy buyer and of course for the money. I never really had any need for such a beautiful instrument and I’m happy it found a proper home.
10/25/22: Continuing to get some nice notes and outreach from my posts on LinkedIn. It’s heartwarming to say the least and for everyone’s genuine concern, I’m super thankful. I had a chat with Dave Malekpour, which was cool. He’s always been a good guy and I’m glad we’ve remained friends all these years. He texted me later in the evening telling me his operations manager had given notice and began to seemingly offer me the role. I don’t know much about it other than what he expressed via text, but the fact that he would more or less offer me something out of the blue like that was super nice. I’ll be interviewing for the Global position later this afternoon and I’m nervous. In a good way. I’ve been preparing for a few days now and feel ready. That said, when you have a lot invested in an idea, it can feel overwhelming. I don’t want to place too much emphasis on this, as it really is my very first interview since getting let go. It does sound promising though, so I’m doing all I can to get myself ready and to excel during the call. I’ll surely have more to say about this tomorrow, but for sure grateful to get even a nibble this soon out of the gates.
10/24/22: Cut the lawn yesterday. Doesn’t sound like much but it was way overdue. We had it overseeded a few weeks back and you’re supposed to wait 3-4 weeks before cutting. In the meantime, tons of leaves have fallen and it’s been pretty wet lately, making the mow fairly strenuous. I’ve also refrained from nearly everything physical since my surgery and have been starting to push myself more lately, which feels good. I don’t have any stress or lingering issue around the hernia, but I still have some slight sensitivity around my scrotum, specifically on the right side. I’ve been wearing all sorts of underwear styles in hopes of finding the most supportive, since that makes the pain much better. Overall, I’m doing well and thankful for how nicely I’ve recovered. I’m thinking a lot about getting back to the gym and bike riding, neither of which I’ve done in months. Thankful for my lawn, for my health and for being able to see the beauty in these tasks that make up life.
10/23/22: Went hiking with Lisa to a new place called Purgatory Chasm. It was really beautiful and the hike involved some mild rock climbing, mostly down. It was a bit treacherous at first as we had never been there and didn’t know what to expect. The chasm itself is gorgeous, but it wasn’t too long, so it wasn’t too overwhelming. There were lots of people there as it was a super nice autumn day, and we did a few other short trails while we were there. Felt good to be outside and together and moving and someplace new. In the afternoon, I mostly hung out and watched college football. Kind of lazy but that’s what I was feeling.
Quincy had some friends over and went to the new record store to use his credits from when I sold my collection. He spent over $400 buying a handful of albums, but also buying some for his friends. I wasn’t surprised as he is quite generous with his money, even though he doesn’t have a lot. I’m proud of him for that and I’m certain he picked that up from us, which is super sweet. Later on he went to South Shore Plaza with another crew. They just go and hang out as kids do, and got food. He’s become so much more social in the last few years and has made great choices in who he spends time with. Love that kid and grateful he’s in our life every day.
10/22/22: Breakfast with Jack Van Leer yesterday. Haven’t seen Jack in a few but he’s a great guy. He got laid off from Hasbro about 4 years ago, so he totally gets it. I think I’m trying to move on from connecting with people simply too vent. There’s too much baggage with revisiting the story anymore and I’d rather focus on the path ahead. Took a nice walk with Lisa in the afternoon and glad to be continuing to do a decent amount of that. Took Q to the THS football game last night. He’s been doing that a lot this year, and meeting his buds there for some laughs. They also did a few soccer games. It’s really cool to see how much more social he’s become, as compared with his younger days. His friend group is really great and they seem happy with simple things like that and none of them are into smoking, drinking or drugs. I’m really thankful he’s found such a crew and that he doesn’t need those chemicals to lean on for fun or to escape. Since we saw Schenker the other night, he’s also a tiny bit obsessed with buying a flying v 🙂 — I’m literally smiling as I type. I wish I had money right now to buy him one, but I’ll be back in the saddle at some point and can’t wait to see him play one.
10/21/22: Small progress on the two job fronts. P/L is on board with my recommendation to come on part-time for 3 months as a consultant. That’ll give us a chance to work together and keep the initial price tag down. Alan accepted that idea and said to ‘send him a proposal’. We’re working through that now and aiming to loop in Larry, their Board Chair, when he returns this weekend from being away. I look forward to meeting him and continuing down this road. If it comes together and gets approved/funded, I’ll be very happy and thankful.
On the second front, the opportunity with Global, I had an interview scheduled with the recruiter today but it got pushed to Tuesday. Despite that, I had time with Roger McKenna, my old Upromise friend who sent me the post. We had a zoom call and he told me lots of good things about the company. It was great to get an insiders perspective on working there, and hear a bit about the benefits and environment/culture. I also had a call with Sarah Soares. She was an HR person from Hasbro and I interacted with her during my ‘transitional’ phase a few years back. She was super helpful back then and I’ve thanked her multiple times over the years for that support. She gave me some advice about meeting with the recruiter, but mostly overall advice about looking for a position. She encouraged me to be ‘picky’ and to find something I was really excited about. It’s nice to hear from someone in that position who has perspective on these things. I actually am quite excited about this position for a variety of reasons. The description is something I could have written on my own and I can check every box for what they are looking for. I also think the title is great for me, long-term and would allow me to continue to progress on this career trajectory in a very direct way. On the company side, their industry doesn’t really excite me, but I was also never a big toy guy at Hasbro. They seem to have a lot of resources, which is key to any position I take in this type of role. I want to be in a leadership position and closer to the decision making and budgeting process than I had been at Hasbro. Having that kind of direct authority and the chance to impact people/orgs and the company itself through my own ideas and actions is super attractive. Long way to go but I feel grateful as fuck to have such a chance in front me me. I know I would crush this role if given the chance.
Lisa also had her interview yesterday for an office job that sounds kinda promising. It’s a local, family owned company that’s really growing. Sounded like the hours were flexible and part-time, both of which is what she wants. The pay was fair and more importantly, would give her a chance to get her sea legs back under her in the workplace. Since getting let go from Patriot she’s been unable to find herself. I know that if she was in the right role, she would have an impact on a company like this and that would really make her feel valued. Fingers crossed she gets called back and takes the leap to give it a shot. We celebrated Team Jacobs and the positive energy by hitting Smitty’s for pizza. It was really sweet and Quincy’s idea. Blessed.
10/20/22: Continuing to get messages of love from all angles. I’m doing better at processing them and responding. The sting of the layoff is there, but slowly becoming less acute. I was supposed to meet with Josh Bowdridge about some GBB thoughts but wound up bailing because the traffic was insane to get to him. That said in the afternoon I had a meeting with Magda, who runs the arts programming at DYS. She’s my 4th connection as I get passed up the chain over there. I enjoyed our call greatly and I think they definitely want to work together. I don’t know what kind of dollars are involved, but there seems to be lots of opportunity for Rawkstars to get work with them. It’s cool, but I also don’t want to feel distracted or start chasing anything right now. I wrote about this yesterday but I continue to think about the concept of slowing down and letting things unfold instead of trying to push and control the outcome by simply starting a new position so I won’t worry about money. It’s unnatural to me but I’m feeling some kind of power in this idea. My guess is I could only go down this type of path if I’m forced, meaning that nothing materializes for me in the short term, with the momentum that is coming from the initial event. I’m not really sure what I want to happen. In some ways, landing one of these positions would allow me to simply keep going on the path I’ve been walking and that would feel sort of miraculous. On the other hand, if I were put in the position where nothing clicked and I simply had to focus on breathing, developing a new routine and schedule for myself that was much slower and focused on my physical, mental and spiritual health, that might be the most life-changing thing that could happen. It’s scary, but maybe that’s why it would be so valuable?
I did manage to make a connection with the opportunity that old friend Roger McKenna sent me. It’s a corporate impact job that sounds really aligned with what I want(ed). I actually have an interview scheduled with a recruiter there tomorrow afternoon as a result of another introduction from my network. I’m excited but also nervous. Planning to spend today learning about the company and mentally prepping myself for the interview. I also heard from P/L that they are close to sending the proposal out to Alan, about funding a role for me. That’s also nerve-wracking in a different way. Trying to not get overwhelmed, and thankful for all the amazing people around me. And also for having opportunity. I know many others don’t have so much of that.
Went to see Schenker last night at Narrows Center. He’s my all-time favorite guitarist so it’s always kinda spiritual seeing him live. The show wasn’t as great as other times I’ve seen him, mainly because the crowd was seated and pretty demure. Lisa came, as did Mooney and Wayne. Quincy also came, since I had an extra ticket and that made it simply awesome. After the first several songs when we were standing in the back, I made my way to side stage. The view wasn’t as great, but we were much closer to Schenker and the volume was better. I brought Q up there and we watched the rest together. I was going crazy of course and I knew Quincy was in awe of seeing such a great guitar player up close like that. He bought a shirt at the end and while he was in line, some random old metal dude started talking to him. Somehow the conversation turned to the old Boston scene and he brought up Fates Warning to Quincy! Of course he said “oh, my dad worked for those guys” and he came right over to me and started bringing up tons of old names. We chatted for a few minute and then I told him I was there with Mike, the guitar player from Steel Assassin. With that the guy made a bee-line for Mike and re-started his schpiel. Quincy thought it was pretty cool that his old man and one of his best buds were the subject of admiration by this random guy at the gig. It made me feel nice as his dad also. So thankful for music and all the beauty it continues to bring to me and those I love.
10/19/22: Day 3 connecting about the P/L idea. I met with Helen directly, and it was nice to get to know her a bit. She seems really smart, happy and gave me some good advice and insight about what it’s like changing gears from corporate america into working at a smallish nonprofit. I do think the idea is growing on me a bit more and she seemed to think the ramp up approach, starting with part-time might be a good idea as well. Still not a sure thing, but I think we’re getting closer to a proposal for Alan, who will be the ultimate decider. Regardless of the outcome, I think it’s a positive development and I am hopeful/grateful.
Continuing to get notes from folks on LinkedIn about my post. I’ve finally caught up with getting back to everyone, after a few days of pushing it off. It’s a strange phenomenon, one of the many unique things about getting laid off. I’m happy to hear from so many and get such positive, even glowing comments about myself, but also confuses me as to why I was cut. I know it’s a question I’ll probably never know the answer to, but it’s also hard to simply put aside, at least at such an early date.
Lisa and I had a good conversation in the afternoon. I got the sense she was upset with me the prior day, after I talked about my feelings, the P/L opportunity and our money situation. I know she feels like a burden, not having worked in a while and I also was reminded how deeply she was hurt by her own layoff, even though it happened with covid. She actually applied to an office role and is speaking to someone there tomorrow. I hope it works out for her, not only because it will give a little boost to our financials, but mostly for her own well being and self-confidence which has taken a hit the last couple years. I get so focused on my own situation that I failed to realize and appreciate hers. I’m glad that came out and that I listened to her POV. I want to be a better partner for Lisa and support her as she always does me. I’m grateful for our ‘Team Jacobs’ approach all these years and want to continue to be a stronger couple through the next phase of life. She’s my rock and always has been.
I’m having a bit of an epiphany that I don’t really understand self-care or how to simply ‘be’. I’ve read and even written about this over the years, but find it hard to make so. I generally am not good at having lots of free time, and using it for self-care. I have been walking a bit more and reading too. Those are both good, but I’m not describing my feelings well. I’ve done the math regarding my situation and know that we can survive for quite some time. My severance runs through February 1st. We have enough reserves already to carry us through probably another 5-6 months beyond that, taking us to at least July 1st. I also expect to get at least some kind of bonus check, which could constitute another few months easily taking me to November 1st. That’s a full year! That doesn’t even include unemployment or any money I might generate through GBB in the ensuing months. As a last resort, I could even begin to pay myself a small salary through Rawkstars. I’ve never wanted that, but if things got desperate, I could make that call. All this is to say that I’ve got a long runway of time available to me, but instead of breathing and focusing on other things, I’m semi-headlong into my search into what’s next. I’m not even necessarily saying that’s bad, but trying to describe how difficult I find any other path to be. I know people who are quite at ease with money and I’m pretty sure unconcerned with saving for retirement, or building their portfolio of investments, etc. I’m just not wired that way, though maybe a bit of that would help me through times like this and serve me well on the other side? Hard to put all this into clear words but I felt the need to write something in an effort to tell myself that it’s ok if I don’t figure this right the fuck out now! Maybe I can use the time to focus on my physical and mental health more? Or my marriage? Or playing music? Or considering another career or lifestyle change? You get the point 🙂
10/18/22: Met with the PeaceLove folks yesterday again. I learned a lot more about the org and we are inching closer to whatever the future holds. I’m a bit more excited about it, even though it’s far from a slam dunk offer. Feeling wanted is of course huge, but the opportunity is also resonating with me more and more. Everyone keeps telling me to follow my passions, which I’ve generally done in my life. Getting focused on the money/security/prestige that comes along with corporate gigs is real, but perhaps what I’ve been missing is the chance to do something more personal for a living? Rawkstars gives me plenty of purpose of course, but the nature of it being a side hustle, separate from ‘my day job’ is maybe keeping me from working with the energy that whatever I put the majority of my time into deserves? Perhaps this will be a catalyst for me in more ways than growing my career and near term security blanket? Grateful for some insight and for a potential opportunity at all these things.
10/16/22: Attended Casandra’s wedding last night and had a lot of fun. Bella, Cam and Q all came along and we sat at a table with the Kast family, who were also all there. Of course we also saw a ton of other friends and the night was really great. Dave officiated the service and did a great job. Mike gave a great toast and was as happy as I’ve ever seen him. Casandra and David seem like a legitimately great couple. Of course when people get married you always hope that they are a match but sometimes you can feel that people are a fit for one another and these guys have that feel. So nice to see the next generation of our friends having kids who are getting hitched themselves. Kinda crazy but also really beautiful to see. I overate and drank too much, but overall I’ve been doing pretty well in that area, so I want it to be a blip instead of a pattern. I was able to fit into a suit I bought several years ago which hasn’t fit recently. Lisa and Bella were absolutely stunning and even Quincy put himself together with a shirt, tie and nice pants. Of course it brings up the thought about our own kids and I could feel a bit of Mike’s emotion in picturing Bella getting to that point. Feeling blessed to have such great friends and families around us. Really happy for Casandra and David as they continue their journey together.
10/15/22: Kinda weird that I have missed writing lately, but it’s a variety of circumstances. I didn’t have a laptop, but am writing today on a new macbook air. I used my credit card points to pay for half, and despite not wanting to spend money right now, it’s something I genuinely needed to do. Thankful I still have the resources to invest in myself. I’ve also been strangely averse to being online, as much as usual. I’ve had a swarm of notes on LinkedIn, many of which I still haven’t responded to. The comments have been so loving and heartfelt, I cried in beginning to read them. Oddly, there’s also a sting that comes along with digesting them, I guess in knowing that I won’t see many of those people again or maybe because it reminds me of what I’ve lost. I plan to get back to each and every person in the coming days and super grateful for their presence in my life.
Met up with Rob Rizzo a few days back which is always a great treat. I admired Riz when we first met at Digitas. We didn’t really know each other closely, but he gave some big checks to Rawkstars and always wanted to remain anonymous. It was one of the early demonstrations of pure giving that I experienced and it stayed with me forever. We became more friendly over the years through music and charity. He’s given more, bigger checks and also lots of high end guitars. He’s a smart, funny, talented guy and we just spent 2.5 hours talking. He wasn’t distracted and genuinely paid attention to me. He asked about my personal life and gave me some great advice. He also donated a cool Ludwig drum set, and filled me with good coffee. I’m super grateful for his friendship and even though we don’t connect as frequently as I do with others, his impact on me is large.
I’ve also been dealing with an issue originating from the MCC Prison video. My friend Luke/Saqi started a fundraiser for guitars behind bars, which is beautiful. He wants to fire up a project in California and lead it himself, using the money raised from the event. In doing so, he created some social posts which found their way to the wrong folks at the prison. They basically threatened me with legal action if I didn’t remove all the content, and I’ve been going back and forth with them in between everything else. I think it’s calmed down now but I need to figure out a way to get an approved version of the video at some point now also. Hoping my negative interaction with them won’t prevent that from being possible. It’s my own fault for not following our original agreement. I have such a negative connotation with corporate law from work, that I guess I just hoped it wouldn’t arise instead of facing the challenge properly. There’s a buzz of activity swirling around GBB from a few areas and I want to formalize its existence while I’m sorting out everything in my life. The plan is to launch a formal corporation around it so it’s a separate entity from Rawkstars and one which I may be able to draw some pay from, if things fall into place.
I had breakfast with Stephanie Baxendale. She reached out to me and herself had gotten laid off a few months prior. I always liked her and we worked together a bit on the Dolph video and other things. It was nice to connect with a friendly face and to have someone ask about me. She’s going through a divorce on top of the layoff and I feel terrible for what she is going through. I tried to encourage her to use her creative skills to heal. She’s a good writer and does a lot of creative work, so I know it’s in her heart. I think it helped her and I think it helped me also. The simple act of human connection and caring about others is so fucking powerful.
Amidst all the texts and messages, I got a note from Matt Kaplan at PeaceLove. They are a nonprofit I’ve been working with through Hasbro. I’ve been the main contact for them and have developed a friendship with Matt and Jeff, who are the founders. I always loved their outfit and believe they have potential to grow exponentially. They have a scrappy vibe and I feel very drawn to them, especially Matt, who is super smart and resourceful in a humble sort of way. Anyways, he texted me and said he read my post and wanted to grab coffee because he had an idea. I visited their space after having breakfast with Stephanie and we retreated to their basement, for a private chat. They talked a lot about where the company is going and the opportunities ahead. I know about the partnership with AWS of course because I’ve been working with them a bit on the Hasbro side, to develop the ‘Pieces Of Mind’ game, which feels like a home run. They also talked about creating a for profit entity, and spinning off the nonprofit piece as an adjunct. That part of their business is certainly viable, but I think they see the growth and investment on the corporate side. Anyways, Jeff has a relationship with Allan Hassenfeld, one of the founders from Hasbro. Apparently they have a handshake agreement for Allan to fund a position to help develop and grow the company. After going down the road of looking at grant writers and other partners, they’ve never formally brought anyone in because they never felt they found the right fit for them and for the business. They see me as that person! They asked if I’d be interested in working together to craft a proposal for Allan, in which we would create a role and plan for me to come into PeaceLove. I’d literally be able to write my description and title, along with Jeff, Matt and Helen (their other partner) of course. It’s scary as fuck but also incredibly exciting. It would be quite different from working at a company with a large staff and having a specific role. I’d imagine I’d be wearing a lot of hats, but I’d also have a direct seat a the table, which I haven’t experienced at all in my 20 years in Corporate America. Even before this came up, I thought P/L had good prospects and considered reaching out to them about joining their board, as that’s something I always wanted to experience. I don’t know what will happen. Even if we write something up and I want to go for it, there is no guarantee Allan will agree or what the terms might be. That said, I don’t think Jeff would have asked me if he weren’t fairly confident in the execution. I’m headed back there on Monday since I need to learn a lot more about the company, it’s finances, the goals and plans and a ton more. Regardless of the outcome, it’s supremely flattering to be seen in such a light. These guys have run a successful nonprofit for 15 years and built something beautiful, even if it never gets any bigger. Having them view me as a linch pin to growing the business and bringing me into their world is unbelievably flattering, beyond what I could have asked for. Grateful indeed.
10/12/22: Few days away, mostly because I find myself without a laptop, as a result of being laid off. Last couple of days have been pretty decent. The gig was amazing on Saturday. Full house, great sets from both bands and awesome feedback about HM. I had a little snafu with my bass during the gig, but it wound up being a learning experience for me instead of a source of angst. Grateful for that and looking for the same from the layoff, which admittedly is much more serious.
Met an old Hasbro guy Rick Katowicz, for coffee yesterday. We had actually planned to connect before I was axed, so the hookup served multiple purposes I suppose. He was also let go and hearing from people who have moved on is in some way helpful, even if we see ourselves as vastly different from those individuals. He’s a good dude and I feel cut from the same cloth as me, in various ways. It was also nice just to get out of the house with something to do and someone to see. I did the same today with Jenn Webb, who I’ve stayed in touch with since she left a few years back, of her own accord. Again, it helps to verbalize with others and get it out in the open, which I’ve failed to do to any large degree so far.
I’ve been doing a lot of walking, getting out and moving and keeping myself breathing and self-care focused. Feels good and have also been reading more. Same thing, learning to live with much more free time and to prioritize things which make me feel good, physically and/or emotionally. Hopeful to use this time, however long that turns out to be, to improve myself and make it valuable. Nothing like an emergency to help us focus on what really matters. For that reminder, I’m thankful.
10/8/22: Fallout from the layoff. I’m feeling ok, perhaps even decent, given the circumstance. I’ve been getting some texts from friends at the company, which are of course super nice. I must say they also come along with a sense of embarrassment and shame. I know the messages come from a place of love for sure, but it’s more of a reminder of what happened, the loss and the fact that I won’t really be as close to those people as I had been. The evening and morning is toughest, when I’m alone with my thoughts I suppose and life is quiet. The Small Hours, as metallica popularized. That said, I’m also having glimmers of hopefulness and calm. In the afternoon, it was so nice out I asked Lisa to take a drive with me, Aimless, but it felt nice being in the car, quietly together and enjoying a warm fall afternoon with nothing else to be done. I also walked again at the park, by myself. I started out feeling alone, but brought my camera and stopped to take a few pics. Nothing terrific but it made me pay attention and look for the beauty. I know the next several weeks / months I’ll be having ups/downs, probably more than usual, but I’m going to do my level best to focus on the opportunity and take advantage of the downtime to better myself physically and in other ways. And to remain grateful.
10/7/22: Sigh. Got laid off from Hasbro yesterday. I’m not shocked and have been semi-preparing myself for the last few months. Still, it’s a stomach punch to get that call. Classic, ‘please come to my office for a minute’ walk, and I immediately knew I was toast. HR woman was waiting in Kevin’s office and my heart sunk even lower. It’s such a surreal place to be and unfortunately, I’ve experienced it more than once. Kevin was visibly shaken and even tearing up. I told him it was ok while the HR person was explaining my severance, etc. I asked a few quiet questions but basically assented and tried to have grace and humility. I shook Kevin’s hand, hugged him and told him I loved him. Which is totally true. He helped me at a time a few years back when it was critical to my sanity and well being and I will never forget that. I know it wasn’t his decision and was out of his hands as my manager. I didn’t take anything from my desk and I didn’t see anyone while I walked out, other than the security guards, with their heads downturned at the door, as I and no doubt several others made that walk for the last time. I’m sad that I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to so many. I wanted to hug everyone, but it wasn’t meant to be. Corporate America is a cold place, no matter how much humanity they claim to want to imbue in the culture.
The drive home is also a unique experience, again, having done it multiple times now. I slowed at every yellow light, delaying the inevitable. I had a podcast on, but didn’t hear a word as I simply tried to breathe and stay calm. Eventually, I got home and faced the awkward greeting by Lisa, surprised by my super early arrival. I didn’t wait and immediately said ‘I was laid off’ while still on the landing. In true fashion she was of course super supportive. It’s funny, in a way her calm demeanor in these circumstances is equally comforting and something I can’t understand. We talked about it, and I explained the package and all that. After my experience a few years ago, we made lots of changes in our financial picture which make this scenario more ‘survivable’. Our monthly bills are at a low level with the house and one car all paid off and no other debt payments except the monthly credit card. We also are generating income from Azalea, which until now, have been socking away into a 529 account for Quincy’s college in a few years. So with my severance and that passive income plus some savings, we have several months before we would have to go into other debt. I’ll of course be doing the math in the coming days to figure out that timeline more specifically, but I’d guesstimate we might make it as much as 8 months in a worst case scenario, before our funds were exhausted and we’d need to start borrowing or selling.
Beyond that, I really need to try and use the time as a gift. I’ve been in need of working on my physical health for a long time, and perhaps this will be an opportunity for me to take action. I know there are jobs out there. I saw this coming and have been working on my resume and online presence via LinkedIn for a few months now. I even applied for a handful of jobs, and even interviewed 3x, as mentioned in posts below. My hope is to land something amazing instead of having to settle, because of financial pressure. I have a great network and I am confident in my skills, even after getting rejected. I took time yesterday and today to walk 3+ miles at the park, which I haven’t done since Falmouth about 6 weeks ago. The weather was nice today and I stopped to take some pics of the foliage, which has been starting to come out lately. I’d say this is all a blessing, as I clearly wasn’t getting anyplace within Hasbro. I had been beating my head against that wall for a while, hoping it might change, but alas. This may just be my chance to get a fresh start at a company that sees me in a different light than the leadership at Hasbro did. I think that is quite possible and I’m going to do my best to make it happen, but also try and breathe and not force it. I want to enjoy the downtime and feel the experience. I want to connect with lots of people and keep my body moving and improve my health during this break in my career. That’s the advice I’d be giving to someone else.
I’m not bitter or even angry. Disappointed, yes. Feeling shame and embarrassed, for sure. I know those feelings will pass and despite all that I am grateful for Hasbro. Some people saw what I was capable of and gave me a chance. I transitioned away from IT after 20 years at age 50 and embedded myself into Philanthropy, Social Impact and made lots of people feel something strong. Something I was meant to do. Not many people have had that good fortune and not many companies would have given me that chance. I made several lifetime friends there and have genuine love for many who are still there. No hard feelings.
10/5/22: Every Wednesday at work, they play Motown music at the Starbucks area, where I sit. Lisa, who is the barista, is a friend and music lover like me. She always plays great music but I’m particularly enamored with this particular tradition. It’s so great to walk in and be greeted by music I love, that I didn’t select on my own. I’m thankful to have music as part of my day when I visit the office and that she has such great taste, that compliments my own. She also messaged me on FB yesterday as I haven’t been into the office lately. She was checking on me, in part from the surgery and in part from the layoff thing. It was super sweet to be thought of and I felt blessed to be on someone’s mind who cared enough to send a quick note.
10/4/22: Met for a 3rd round with folks at Taunton DYS about the concept of piloting a music program for the kids in their care. I met a new woman named Katie and she was also super nice, as Bob, Leigh and the others before her were. They’re a bit disjointed over there, with many layers of management and that has me slightly concerned. That said, I do think it’s an exciting opportunity for Rawkstars to expand its programming and impact in this area. I’m hopeful we can secure official buy-in for the project so that I can move into design/execution mode perhaps this winter. Kate also seems to have oversight over arts programming state wide and it seems to me there are other opportunities that might surface, if we can get to the starting line and deliver something meaningful. Thankful as always to have chances to speak about Rawkstars, Guitars Behind Bars and our work over the years.
10/3/22: Continuing the slow road to recovery. Balls have been super sensitive, but I started icing them last night. Sounds gross and it kind of is, but it also helped a lot. Not sure if they are more sore because I’ve been more active the last couple days, or what, but I really want them to stop hurting ;). I’ll keep this perspective in mind once I’m healed and think of the Thich Nhat Hanh saying about the gratefulness of a ‘non-toothache’ wherein we remind ourselves how lucky we are when something is not present, like discomfort, in this case.
Had our final HM rehearsal prior to the gig with Moonstruck next weekend. I think we are sounding pretty good and ready to rock. There are small things that aren’t perfect but I can’t think of a gig I ever played where that wasn’t the case. I expect Greg and everyone else to rise to the occasion as professionals do, and really looking forward to gigging with these guys in front of new/old friends who haven’t really seen us. I also played my new Jazz bass yesterday and liked the sound. I’m considering using it at the gig and will play another time or two this week to decide. Grateful for my musical brothers and sisters in the band and for everyone who supports us. Excited.
10/2/22: Got out of the house last night and saw Whiskey Saints, with Lisa. They sounded great and it was nice to see a few people, and be out for a few hours, which I haven’t done much lately. We didn’t stay super late, which suited me fine, and we drove Liza home, as she didn’t want to stay all night either. She’s such a kind person, it was nice to do a small favor for her. We sat with Doug and Sue for a bit and they paid for our food and drinks, which was also super sweet. Such great folks and grateful for their friendship.
In the morning, Q and I had breakfast while Lisa was at the gym. I made pancakes and we were talking about music and our ‘mount rushmore’ players/bands. Somehow, we started screwing around with the idea of mashing up We Will Rock You and Tom Sawyer. Quincy took out his computer and started editing. We spent about 90 minutes messing around with the idea and it was fun. We didn’t really finish, though I think it’s pretty close. Still it was a fun time and we really connected. Thankful for my talented and beautiful son and for spending time being creative together.
10/1/22: Got a new amp for the studio. A small Marshall combo, but sounds/looks really nice. I basically have enough gear now to support a full band playing anytime, with quality gear. I’d like to get everything running into the computer so it could also be recorded as separate tracks. I’ll need to get some converters for that, probably 8 channels at least. I’d be psyched to be able to record some live stuff and mix it afterward. Grateful to have the space and money to inch closer to that and for using our home to facilitate music making.
Still having some swelling/tenderness in the scrotum area, but it’s less than a few days ago. Wearing the supporter helps, but isn’t super comfy. I feel like I’m moving in the right direction, just not as fast as it seemed after week 1. Thankful to be on the path, even if it’s going slower than I’d like.
9/30/22: Met Sebastian and Sean and their foster mom Becky last night in person. They came to the house and picked up their new instruments, a trumpet and ukelele. They had a ton of energy and it made me remember how much work it is having young kids. Becky seems great and is taking a lot on in trying to adopt both boys, who each have special needs. She is a former music teacher so I think they seem well suited to potential success with instruments and I’m so thankful that Rawkstars is here to help them get started. They are our 20/21st students, which would have been unheard of just a year or two ago. I’m proud of what we have accomplished and how many new families we’ve been able to on-board in the last 2 years. Blessed.
9/29/22: Picked up Q from his track meet last night. I missed the event as it was in Milford and I couldn’t get home in time to drive up there with Lisa. I got him and Aiden from Frates, where they went for food afterward with the team. As we drove home, I was listening to Fates Warning, apsog, which I love. He was noticing the music, which happens all the time and asking some questions about the mix, etc. After we dropped off Aiden and got to the house, it was the beginning of the last passage which is super atmospheric and builds in this slow, powerful way. We sat in the driveway as it played through before going inside and he was digging it. He used to make me wait until songs ended in that scenario when he was younger, so it was cool to reverse the roles for once. Grateful that we continue to bond over music and that his vocabulary has expanded beyond hip-hop into rock, metal, r&b and other genres that touch my own heart so deeply.
9/28/22: Feeling pain the last few days in my scrotum. Yes, that scrotum! It’s very similar to what I described below. It’s super sensitive and unexpected, because it came after a week of feeling like I was doing fine. Hopeful it’s typical and just delayed because of the healing process and not some complication. I made it through the day at the office, but was horizontal for most of the time after getting home. Same feeling today and back on the Motrin to try and dull the sensitivity.
I posted two more items on Reverb to continue the trajectory towards turning unused gear into money. Of note is my 78 Jazz bass. I bought it a few years ago as it’s a beautiful instrument and I wanted something ‘high end’ and classic. Since buying it, I’ve hardly played it. It’s super heavy and I just never got comfortable making it my main bass, so it sits idly most days in the closet. It’s worth at least $3k and so I figured it’s a good time to move on from it. I don’t want to be someone who just owns stuff for the sake of making myself feel better. That’s why I let go of my records, books and some other gear recently. I’m grateful to have such options and hopeful to find it a great loving home where it will be played and used for its intended purpose, instead of vanity.
9/27/22: Had a tiny backslide yesterday with the pain levels. I did some stretching in the morning, in an attempt to jumpstart a new piece of my routine and I may have overdone it. I started feeling pain in my right ball around mid-day and it got worse. This morning in the shower I felt a mass inside, that reminded me of what happened when I got the botched vasectomy years back. I’m guessing there is an accumulation of blood that will dissipate in the coming days. It hurts less this morning and I took a pain pill yesterday so I’m doing ok. I didn’t stretch this morning and will get back to that after some more time elapses. Grateful for the progress, even with this speed bump.
Quincy had his crew over for pasta night. As usual, Lisa made a pile of food and spent the afternoon cleaning the yard. He loves having the kids over and it’s nice for us too. Outside of the cooking, which Lisa likes anyways, there’s not much for us besides letting it unfold. It’s cute seeing all the kids interact and having Q at the center of the action. Thankful for his participation in the track team and for all the great friends he’s made in the process.
Austin took his first guitar lesson yesterday with Varis. It took months to settle, but satisfying to see him get started. I got a nice text from Tracy saying how great the lesson was and how thankful she was for meeting us. I’m thrilled to have them in the Rawkstars family and they seem like a perfect fit for our crew and deserving of the support. Grateful all around.
9/26/22: Still improving post-hernia and back to the office today, well at least online from home office. Over the weekend we got to see Q run for the first time in a while. He had a meet down in Warwick, and I drove. It was nice to feel like I’m ok to get out there and do regular stuff, mostly without worry. I’m still having discomfort and ‘weird’ feelings around my abdomen, both on the surface and inside. It’s not very painful and I’m definitely moving around pretty well, only 6 days removed from the procedure. Hopeful that will continue. Anyways, the park was beautiful and the weather was perfect. Lisa and I found Quincy and then walked around a bit. Those courses are always tricky when you don’t know your way around, but we found a good place to watch the start, and then a turn as the kids were coming around the home stretch. Quincy didn’t run that well, and was struggling at the end for sure. That said, we were proud of him as always and just the fact that we were there and connected with him and his running was awesome. I know he’ll continue to get better this season and getting back on the path is the literal first step 😉
On the way back, Lisa and I stopped in PVD for lunch. I didn’t really want to go straight home after being cooped up and I was feeling pretty good moving around. So we randomly got off at Wickenden and it turned out there was a street fair. We parked and walked through and there were food trucks, vendors, music and lots of people. We actually ran into her friend John who is a gym guy and also a music guy. He seemed really cool and I could tell how fond they both are of each other. Afterward we walked to Aleppo Sweets, which is so great. We ordered a bunch of appetizers and I got a Turkish coffee which is always a treat. Spending the afternoon being alive was beautiful and I had a great time with Lisa doing all of it. Thankful the healing process continues and that we enjoyed time together.
In the evening, we drove to Brockton and dropped off a guitar to newest Rawkstars student Austin. It’s been a long road getting him started but I finally found and in-home teacher who could take him on. Varis, someone Steve Marchena introduced me to seems amazing. Austin is going to start lessons this week and is our 19th officially active student. I got the guitar from a work friend named Ed, and so happy to put it all together. Blessed and happy to have Austin and his mom Tracy in the Rawkstars family.
9/24/22: Continuing to improve and I’m moving around much better! Pain is negligible, and really just feels ‘weird’ down there more than anything. I assume it’s the healing process that I’m feeling and figure it should decrease slightly each day and eventually subside completely. Most certainly thankful for how well my recovery has gone and for Lisa continuing to make me feel comfy and supported at every turn.
My new Geddy Lee Jazz bass arrived yesterday and it’s pretty great. It plays a lot different from my P, which I suppose is the point, in having more than one instrument. It has a real snarl in the mid-range and the sound is very distinct. I’ve had jazz basses in the past but never one that had real pickups and never with my current setup, which is superior to anything I had before. It made me notice a ton of small things in my playing, I suppose because I was hearing the tone completely different. It will probably make me a better player, if I’m able to pay closer attention to some of those things and adjust accordingly. It looks super cool as well although the neck is a little ‘sticky’ for me with a thick coat of lacquer. I’m really happy with the purchase and it’s leading me to the conclusion that I should look to sell my 78 jazz. I’m just not playing it and though I don’t really need the money right now, I like the idea of having fewer basses. I gave my Squier to Quincy and if I sell the 78 I’ll have the new jazz, my P and the Gretsch hollow body. That feels like more than enough for someone of my limited ability and interest. I’m really grateful to be able to afford the instruments and basically everything I want for the most part.
Kevin stopped by last night on his way over to Mike’s and gave me a bottle of tequila for my b-day. He’s always been generous like that and we always exchange XMas gifts. It really meant a lot and was unexpected. Something about it really moved me. A few people have checked in on me (Greg, my mom, Randy, Jim Cannon Donna and others at work) but nobody has actually come by. It really made me feel special and I wrote him a note about it this morning. It really is the little things that make people feel alive.
Speaking of which, I finished reading Mary Gauthier’s book called ‘saved by a song’. I heard her a few weeks ago on the Broken Record podcast and I absolutely loved her. She wasn’t even playing, but had amazing stories and the way she delivered them really struck me. Book was the same and I love her honest, clear, simple and heartfelt approach. It made me want to write a song! I’m not musical enough to do anything elaborate but that’s kinda her beauty. Her own songs are really just poems set to simple chord changes. She’s not a great singer and the melodies don’t seem that musical either, it’s just simple, honest material. I think I could work on lyrics like that and thought about talking to Crissy about collaborating. I know she wants to write and likes that kind of music as well. She has the chops to play beautiful, simple, classic progressions and I could maybe put some words over top. We’ll see if my energy for the idea comes to anything, but at minimum, I left the book inspired. Mary is actually in town playing the Spire in Plymouth, but it’s on the same night as our gig. Unfortunately, I’ll miss the show but still. I’m thankful for her coming into my life.
9/23/22: Doing better still. Each day has gotten easier to move around and get up/down, which is still the hardest part. I’m sleeping so much better than expected, basically normally without much discomfort, even when rolling onto my side. I’m feeling itchy where the incisions are, but that means they are healing. I’m slowing down on the Motrin and feel like I might stop it completely soon. Overall, I’m really happy with the healing and how my body has responded. I’m grateful as hell since it could have been a lot worse. I’m still planning to take it slow, but assuming nothing major changes, it’s been a positive experience, all things considered.
Played a little bass yesterday. I got everything setup downstairs and felt good. I stood up and played normally through a couple songs and it was empowering. After a bit, my batteries died in my wireless and I had to stop. The batteries I keep are packed in my equipment box, which I didn’t want to try and lift out of the closet, so I packed it in and waited for Quincy to come home. Even though I got cut short, the time I spent was good and it made me feel like I’m going to be able to play very soon without issue. I might not move around so gingerly on stage, but that might actually make me hone in a bit and stay in the zone, where my technique can be stronger. Thankful for music!
Got a cold call on LinkedIn about a purpose/social impact gig! I’m planning to meet with the recruiter on Monday, but just getting pinged felt nice. In the last several months, I’ve tried hard to remake my profile and resume into something fit for this career path. I have 20 years of experience with IT and really only 2 officially in this space, not counting Rawkstars. Anyways, I’ve had a bit of success getting some nibbles, but feel like it’s growing in importance, as things at Hasbro get shaken up. I don’t know what will happen with the pending layoffs, but if the worst does happen and I get cut, I feel like I can land on my feet in a role that I want to be in, as opposed to having to settle for another IT job, even though it brought me no joy. When I look at it through that lens, I’m super grateful for the chance that Hasbro has given me to remake my career and take an entirely new trajectory than I had been on 2 years ago.
Got a Fan Club subscription yesterday from someone at a PR firm called ‘Shine’. I didn’t recognize the name so I did a bit of digging and found out they are a social oriented agency run by some female founders that seem really cool. I learned that an old colleague from Upromise is there and I assume that’s where the connection was made. Regardless, I’m always floored when folks outside my regular network are tied into the Rawkstars mission. It’s very humbling and something I’ll always be super thankful for.
9/22/22: 3 days post-op and I’m doing better each day. More walking, which feels easier and I finally went to the bathroom! Funny how things like that are so taken for granted, but amazing when you miss them. My pain has been decreasing as well, and I’m taking the motrin at a slightly lower frequency. I’m very thankful for the progress I’ve made and for my body for handling the trauma better than I anticipated. Going to take the remaining few days this week and stay away from work. Thankful for Kevin and Sue for being supportive and not rushing me in any way.
So, I finally pulled the trigger on a bass yesterday too. I had been trolling Reverb for weeks, ever since I sold the guitars and my record collection, looking for something cool. I didn’t want to spend a ton and came close a few times to buying a Squier Jazz bass, which was about $500. I found a cool Geddy Lee signature Jazz, which hadn’t been on my radar whatsoever. It’s a sunburst, with a maple block inlay neck and hi-mass bridge. It’s pretty classic looking, and I made an offer of $899, so it wound up costing me just under a thousand bucks, with tax and shipping. I’m glad I got something a bit nicer than a Squier, but not too expensive. I put the rest of the money I had set aside into the slush fund, as I know we can start expecting some medical bills. I’m happy to have treated myself to something nice, but also for supporting the family with my efforts to save money.
Lisa has been a godsend. I know she’s always taking care of me and others, but having her around has really made me comfortable and feeling secure. I’m grateful for her in every way possible. She’s always there for me, whatever I do and it’s very much appreciated.
9/21/22: 48 hours beyond the surgery and I’m doing well. I’ve got abdominal pain of course, but definitely moving around a bit better than expected. I’m walking a few times each day around the circle and it’s mostly pain free, with just minor discomfort from getting up and down. I got a ton of sweet messages on FB and via text from friends wishing me a happy b-day, as well as a speedy recovery. It feels good to not be as hurting as I expected and to feel that my body is responding to the procedure well. I’m thankful for all of it! Lisa and I spent a few hours yesterday watching the Elvis movie, which was really well made. Not exactly a biopic, but a creative interpretation that told the story in chunks, and with creativity. The end was sad as hell, showing Elvis in his final performance singing his heart out, as he always did. I wish I had seen him in person but alas, he died too young for that to be a reality for me. I’m thankful for all his music and for him as a person. He influenced me earlier than anyone to make music my life and is the earliest recollection I have of being addicted to its beauty. Thankful all around.
9/20/22: 52nd bday today and day #1 of surgery recovery. I’m actually feeling better than expected. The pain is tolerable and I’ve been moving well. I sat around a lot yesterday but even still, I managed to get out in the circle and walked around without too much pain multiple times. I also slept ok. I figured I was going to be stuck trying to sleep exclusively on my back, but I even rolled over a few times as I always do, and it wasn’t horrible. My throat is really rough, from the intubation, which I didn’t consider. I kinda felt like I had strep, with my nose discharging into my throat all day and feeling very sore when swallowing. A bit of nausea too but never actually threw up. All these seem normal and regular side effects of surgery and anesthesia. Lisa picked me up and having her with me was awesome. She’s a top notch caretaker under any circumstance, but when you are feeling vulnerable, it’s even more comforting. I got a few nice texts from Ed, Bruce, Greg, Cid and Sue from work. Everyone has been really supportive and I’m fortunate on many levels. I have the ability to take time off from work without pressure to rush back. I have a great network of friends and family who are checking on me. I have a healthy body, even though I wish I could lose weight all the time. I have medical insurance and the funds to cover what they won’t pay. I live in a time and area where access to great care is readily available and Miriam was a great experience, all things considered. I’m truly grateful for all these things and for the times when I’m able to mindfully realize how blessed I truly am.
9/18/22: Heading in for hernia surgery tomorrow. I’m not super nervous but hoping the recovery won’t be too painful. I want to try and get moving as fast as possible, so I don’t lay around and get lazy too much. I’m thankful to have an improved outlook as it pertains to moving, lifting, biking and hiking again. I’ve shied away especially from biking and hiking this summer and want to get back into both. I want to live a full life and enjoy many more years with Lisa, the kids and everyone and everything that is my life. I’m grateful to live someplace where amazing medical care is easily accessible and that I can afford to have such a procedure. I’m thankful for my job, that provides me health care and time off to convalesce until I feel better.
9/17/22: Wrapped up work yesterday in advance of my surgery Monday. Hoping I won’t be out for more than a couple days, but wanted to make sure I left things in a good spot. Felt productive lately and this whole business of the looming layoffs has me being a bit more proactive there. I also applied for a couple positions I found online, both related to Social Impact jobs. Haven’t heard from either and not sure I got close enough without any personal outreach, but I’m in the mindset of keeping my eyes open anyways. I feel like I’m going to work on on a new resume and perhaps even a website in support of my social impact work. I think it would be a good use of my time to frame things up this way and just put together a proper package to better showcase some of the work I think is relevant. We’ll see. Grateful for every day I have my job and for all it means to my family’s well being.
9/15/22: Some tech issues with the blog the last few days. I think I resolved them now, so unfortunately, my last few entries seem to have gotten gobbled up :/ — I’ll start by saying I’m thankful for this space in general. It gives me a place to ground myself, to record my thoughts regularly and to help me process what’s going on from day to day. It takes some effort to maintain the technology side and occasionally I find myself frustrated, but overall, I know it’s more conducive than writing in a notebook or other non-technical solution.
Had an awesome conversation with Q out on the balcony last night. We talked about income inequality, and the benefits/perspectives on business as a tool for social change. Heady topics for a 16 year old, but Quincy is so damn smart and thoughtful it was kinda easy and natural. Thankful to have raised such a great person and for quiet times together like this. Fresh air, smiles, debate and father / son bonding. The best.
9/12/22: 3rd rehearsal in 2 weeks yesterday. That’s a high frequency for us and it felt good. We’ve got most of the set nailed down with Greg, with just some small intros/endings that need tightening. The Dio tune is still a work in progress, but I feel like we’ll be able to debut it with the two additional practices we have scheduled ahead of the gig. I’m thankful for the band and everyone’s commitment to making time and bringing energy to it. It’s not an easy scenario with 6 members and everyone having different strengths/interest on the music side. I do my very best to pay attention to everyone and choose songs accordingly. I’m not perfect as it’s still a work in progress as we get to know one another and the band continues to evolve.
My sound has also gotten closer to what I’m searching for. The amp I bought last year was the first step and a few months ago, I picked up an overdrive pedal. I now have a small board with the O/D, plus my wireless and a strobe tuner mounted. I’ve learned how to meld all the components better and of course my own playing has improved, which has the biggest influence. I’m no powerhouse player by any stretch, but my hands are stronger, I’m better at muting and my timing and feel have improved. I’m thankful for all of that.
My staycation week has continued to be a struggle on the food side, but yesterday I did manage to do some morning pushups for the first time in forever. I actually repeated that today as well as got a morning meditation and mild stretching into the routine. I’m grateful for small wins, when they are needed most.
Quincy was sick yesterday. He went to the concert the night before and has been pushing himself in lots of areas lately, including back to school, track practice, work and a few social events. That’s a lot for him at once and I’m guessing contributed to him being run down. He seemed a bit better in the evening so I’m hopeful it will pass quickly. Thankful to have two healthy children and to simply deal with the occasional illness, as opposed to many who face genuine health challenges.
9/11/22: Visited with the Strawbridge clan yesterday. Q went to see Wu Tang and Nas with Ryan at Great Woods. Ryan’s parents and some other friends and their kids also went, so they invited us over for a pre-game at their house. They’re a fun, friendly crew and we had a few laughs. They always have tons of food, so we also ate pizza and a few beers. I haven’t had a good week as far as eating and moving. I’ve had just a few walks, but really overdoing it on the food side for some reason. I had planned ahead in hopes of making my vacation time focused on self-care, but that didn’t materialize. In fact, it’s been kinda the opposite. I’ve enjoyed the time away from Hasbro for sure, and did plenty of fun things this week, but don’t feel good at the end, as a result of my food intake. Grateful for another chance today, to turn things around.
9/10/22: Walked on the west side of Providence yesterday with Lisa. We drove down around lunch time and parked. Nothing fancy, just went up and down the neighborhood streets from Westminster, Broadway and Atwells. We walked by our condo which is always a cool experience. Things always look good and the neighborhood is quiet. We finished over at White’s Electric Coffee, one of my favorite little spots and grabbed an ice coffee and snack, before heading back home. Mellow day from there, but thankful for the time together and for getting some movement into my day.
9/9/22: Yesterday was epic. GiGi turned 101! We didn’t have a party but I talked with her in the afternoon. She was getting her hair done, which was sweet. That’s the one tiny treat she always allowed herself. I’m so thankful for her presence in my life and she’s made a big impact on me, despite her small stature and low key demeanor. She (and Papa) were always the most supportive people in my family bar none. They never turned me away, said no or made me feel less than awesome my whole life. For that I have only gratitude and fond feelings.
In the evening, I took Lisa to see Diana Ross in Boston! We’ve seen her 3x now and she is without a doubt one of my favorite musical artists of all time. Her voice still sounds terrific and she look great too, at 78. I can’t get enough of those Motown songs and her vibe is just immense. We had great seats and I got some decent pics. We ate at Pho Pasteur beforehand, an old dive type Chinatown haunt we’ve been many times. The food is cheap, good and plentiful. We had a couple drinks and smoke a joint before going in so we were ready to rock and Diana didn’t disappoint. Thankful for a great night with my favorite person, doing my favorite thing 😉
9/8/22: Had a mellow day yesterday. I had coffee with Dolph at 7:30am, which was great. I enjoyed connecting with him and he’s always great to talk with. I got to visit the East Side at a time when I’m not usually there and as always, I love the vibe. I hit 7 stars on the way back and got some raisin walnut toast and brought a loaf home for the family. During the day I sent out the last of my Reverb packages, and sold all 5 items I had posted. Glad I went through that exercise and made some money for Rawkstars, the family and myself. Also got a bunch of stuff out of the studio, which looks better all the time. Lounged around for most of the afternoon, while Lisa went to have lunch with a friend. Worked a tiny bit on a song with Quincy, as I really want to do a project with him. Watched a bit of the US Open and mostly took it easy. For dinner, me, Q and Lisa hit Smitty’s, which is always a treat. Thankful for the small things in life and for having a day to soak them in without needing to really do anything in particular.
9/7/22: Continued on the path of ‘productivity’ while off from work. I didn’t really intend that to be the case and envisioned a low key few days of reading, writing and taking it easy. As life would have it, hasn’t turned out that way. So I was able to complete the project of hanging the barn door. I got hung up (pun intended) a few times, and had trouble with the anchors in 2 spots. I was able to work around it and figure out alternatives to ensure the rail was strong enough to hold the heavy door and relatively straight. It didn’t come out perfect, but I learned a few things during the process and am happy with the result. It also makes the studio look nicer and gives Lisa some privacy to potentially use the room for massages.
I also continued the path of selling off some gear. After selling the T-Bird bass last week, I listed my old Mackie mixer, two random pedals and the Fender Tele that Rob Rizzo had gifted Rawkstars a few years back. All the items sold in the last few days, so I’ve been packing, shipping and responding to all the bits required to complete the transactions on Reverb. I’m going to use some of the money to donate to Rawkstars, keep some in our slush fund and save a little to put on top of the pile I got from my record collection. Again, it’s a win-win. I’m cleaning out old unused gear, making money and getting the items to people who will use it. I’m grateful for the progress and clarity it’s brought me in seeing that truth.
HM practiced last night for night #2 with Greg. We sounded much better, imo, after that first jam where we were running high on adrenaline. Most of the set is sounding good and we got the Dio tune in place for the first time. I think we have a good setlist planned and 3 more rehearsals on the books ahead of the gig. I’m psyched about the progress and thankful for Greg coming on board. It’s keeping me focused on music and the band is evolving slowly but surely. Thankful.
9/6/22: Continuing the theme of shedding, I placed a bunch of items on Reverb yesterday. I finally listed the Tele that Rob Rizzo donated to me like 2 years ago. Gorgeous instrument and it sold within a few hours for $1,429. I also listed my old Mackie mixer and 2 pedals that were collecting dust. All but one of the pedals have sold already. I need to get to the PO today and start the shipping process, but thrilled with the quick results and to have some more cash coming in. Grateful to be able to turn unused music items into money and get the stuff into the hands of people who will give it proper love and use.
I started a project to build and hang a barn door in the downstairs studio, to close off the laundry room. I assembled the door well enough without issue, but struggled a bit on the rails. I rushed a bit, as usual, and wound up butchering two of the anchor spots. I finally stopped and took a break overnight and will aim to repair today. I’m not the most handy person on earth, but occasionally will tackle small projects. Sometimes I have success and other times I don’t work with enough patience. This was one of those times. Still, the door is going to look great and I’m determined to work on it today and make it right. I’ll probably ask some help from Dave Purdy, who is pretty handy and has tons of tools. Thankful for making our home nicer lately and also for great neighbors like Dave.
9/5/22: OMG, yesterday I sold my record collection! Roger, who owns Purchase Street Records has been asking me about buying it since we met a couple years back. We started texting last week and I decided to take the leap. I’ve been hauling those around since I was a teenager, to every place I’ve lived since. I bought all of them when I was a kid and I’ve always closely identified myself with the idea of having them in my life. I haven’t listened to any of them in years, even as records have had a resurgence. I don’t really own a proper stereo system and I use Spotify religiously. I thought a few times about buying a tube amp, speakers, etc. and creating a listening space, but it’s just not in my nature at this point and super impractical. So after much anxious though, I told him to come by. Going through everything was weird. So many memories and experiences and people tied up in those records. Quincy helped, and he was digging all the old stuff, especially when I opened the crate with all the CD’s and cassettes, which he had never seen. Roger is a good dude and just moved into a bigger store. He’s carrying on the local record store tradition and supporting his community by keeping his business in New Bedford. Lots of kids shop at his place and he’s the perfect caretaker for the collection and to get them into the hands of another generation of kids trying to discover vinyl and metal bands. He made me a cash offer of $3k, plus offered to give Quincy $500 of credit at the store. I took it without hesitation and feel really good about the whole process. We are not our things. Everything is temporary and I’ve always felt like a bit of a minimalist. I certainly buy things I probably don’t need from time to time, but overall, I don’t like having lots of ‘gear’ in my life. I feel unburdened a bit somehow, even though the stuff was just sitting there. Immediately after, I started cleaning the studio and got rid of the shelves and desk and several other things that were taking up space. The studio looks better, I feel better, Quincy has a huge credit and I have $3k to spend on something new. Everyone wins! Grateful.
9/4/22: Went to the Mooney’s last night for a labor day soiree. Tons of people as usual and overdid the food/drinks, as is my typical pattern. It was nice to see some folks like Lanzetta, the Grasso’s and a few others we don’t see super often. Enjoyed the beautiful weather and old friends. Lisa and Cid treated us to some singing around the fire, which is always a treat and we had a fun time all around. Grateful for our crew of friends and all the cool people in our lives.
I sold a bass and harmonica on Reverb, in the last few days. The bass was a pain to ship, but I’m glad to move some gear out of the house and turn it into money for Rawkstars. Nothing worse than instruments sitting as decorations, and I’m happy that some people will be using them for their intended purpose, making music!
9/3/22: Went to see Larkin Poe down in Truro last night. I had tickets to see them at Royale during covid, but after two date changes they cancelled. Band was good, not amazing. The sisters are insanely talented but I don’t think they are as impactful with their backing band and prefer the intimate stuff. The rhythm section was just decent. Both guys could play alright but didn’t have the seasoning and power that could propel the sisters and make them pump into another gear. They’re super duper young and I’m sure will continue to get better and we had a fun night regardless.
We met up with Tina and Jason, for the 2nd time in the last several weeks and it made the drive down much nicer. We stopped in for a few hours and just chatted. Great getting to spend some time with them and get out of town again. Afterward, we drove to a classic cape cod seafood place called Moby’s that was pretty near the venue. Casual, but really great ordering/service process and staff. We got a lobster roll which was huge and delicious and a plate of clams and a salad. Really hit the spot and we are lucky to have such luxuries available to us almost at any time we want them. Thankful also for live music, as always it fills my soul with joy to add to the list of amazing gigs and as always, sharing them with Lisa.
I didn’t get to take any good pics, because of our proximity to the stage. The tent was intimate, maybe 400 people and for viewing it was great. For cell phone pics you need to be really close. I’m realizing that part of the enjoyment I get from live gigs nowadays is taking pics. I would have easily paid extra to sit 20′ closer and I would have enjoyed it even more because I could have shot some amazing pics. I generally keep that in mind, but don’t think I’ve realized it as strongly as I did last night, because I could have gotten a better seat easily.
9/1/22: Nearly wrapped up the accounting post Falmouth yesterday. We have one small payout remaining and there are a few corporate matches expected. All in, I’m sure we’ll approach $20k. In terms of Rawkstars overall, with the fundraising that’s happened, I went all in and hired this company called Pixel Lighthouse for an ambitious web project. A few years ago I went down this road and it was disastrous. I’m feeling lots more confident this time, in part due to the vagaries I learned to avoid that last time. The consult phase was lengthy and I feel good about hiring these guys. They are going to redo the site, build me an on demand merch shop, build a self-serve customer portal and create some customer journeys connected to Mailchimp. It will be a great foundation for us moving into next year and although it’s pretty expensive ($10k) I was able to pay the 50% deposit yesterday and still have $72k in our bank account, by far the highest water mark we’ve ever seen. I still have the outstanding grant proposal with GBKF and fingers crossed that can be realized by the end of the year. I’ve always had a dream of the elusive $100k mark. It’s completely arbitrary but I cling sometimes to artificial goals. Achieving it would be an immense accomplishment in my mind and I’m not one to give myself tons of credit. Thankful that Rawkstars is in such great shape and that 2022 has been our biggest year ever.
8/31/22: Watched Serena Williams win round #1 in her final US Open. She’s so amazing and I enjoyed watching her so damn much. She’s an amazing combination of power, grace and style and everything I love in athletics. She turned ‘center court into center stage’ and if that’s not the most metal thing, I don’t know what is. Tennis has always been a sport of white privilege and mostly conservatism. McEnroe, Aggasi and a few others brought swagger to the sport, but on the womens side, it’s always been ruled by tactical, smart, athletic ‘ladylike’ players. She changed the game, literally, and the face of the sport is literally different with half of the top 50 women’s players being black. A true inspiration and easily one of my most favorite athletes of all-time. Grateful to have seen her play in the US Open final a few years ago, even though she wound up on the losing side. Her game has brought me much joy and made the world better.
8/30/22: Been swirling lately and having some trouble sleeping. The climate at Hasbro is weighing on me heavily. I feel kinda exposed in my role, without having clear accountability for a large program or support effort. I also split time, which makes me feel that neither of my bosses sees the breadth of my tasks. Having been through corporate layoffs many times at many companies, you’d think I’d be used to the negative energy and be able to simply breathe past it, but not so much the last week or two. I really do love what I’m doing and it’s not lost on me how low I was before finding this gig, so the prospect of losing it is scary. I know I’m in a more solid place financially, due in part to the changes we made to our lifestyle back then. We’ve paid off our properties and our bills are lower than in the past. That said, our savings is fairly exhausted having paid down all of Bella’s college bills and I don’t want to think about dipping into other sources should the need arise. I’m probably looking at it backwards, and should be focused on right now and all the blessings I have. I suppose part of the point of writing here is to remind me about where I’m looking ;). In that vain, I’m thankful for this space and these tools to give me such an outlet and much needed perspective!
8/29/22: Jammed with Greg yesterday and it was pretty strong. He came in ready with most of the material and several songs sounded pretty good right out of the gate. He brought a much different vibe to the tunes and we sounded far heavier. I could tell he was overplaying a bit as he’s looking to impress Chuck and everyone overall. He also plays louder than Paul and brought in some extra cymbals and included many more fills. I’m hopeful it will calm down a bit as I don’t want the band to sound too raucous. Our strength is our twin lead vocals and they need to be heard very clearly, even at rehearsal, for us to be at our best. Underneath that, Chuck and Crissy carry much of the weight and fill the space nicely. Chuck is at his best when he’s slightly restrained, at least for stretches. With Paul playing to a click and me laying down simplistic bass parts, that’s become the evolution of our sound. Chuck also got a new guitar and was shredding aggressively, even for him, which is saying something 🙂 I feel confident it will tone down just enough so we can shine and tighten up the sound over the next several weeks. We planned 4 practices before the gig which feels like a good amount and I’m happy to have so many on the calendar. It’s unusual for us to get that many rehearsals so I’m pumped about our chances for having a great show in October. I love Greg as a person and know he is a terrific drummer. I think once he settles in and everyone adjusts, we’ll be in the right zone to kick ass. Thankful for carrying on with the band even without Paul and also grateful for Paul’s calming influence on us. I needed the perspective of yesterday to remind me what made him such a great member of the band.
8/28/22: Cut the lawn yesterday. One of those late summer cuts when the grass is finally starting to regrow. It’s rained a lot lately so it was really shaggy and wet, which of course makes mowing hard. It felt good to be outside and working/sweating, as I had a low key week after Falmouth on Sunday. Later in the day Lisa and I walked at the park, and did 3.5 miles. I was sore but glad to have a day where I was moving. We made homemade pizza last night which came out awesome. Mushroom and ricotta with sun dried tomato, pepperoni and onion/pepper/jalapeno. Nice and crispy and delicious. Grateful for great food and for spending a nice Saturday at home.
8/26/22: Spent some time working on the Guitars Behind Bars website yesterday unexpectedly, and for the first time in a while. Luke Solman, a guy I met who lives in California, is planning a fundraiser to try and launch a GBB chapter out west. He’s really passionate and seems like a great dude. He’s very musical and has all sorts of projects and recently had a baby. I’m trying to support his efforts in between all my own stuff, which has been a challenge. Still, to his credit, he keeps following up and I spent some time adding him to the site, publishing our video and making some other changes including giving his admin access to our IG page, which I’ve literally never used. Grateful for his friendship and the promise of expending GBB to another state, without much of my own involvement. It’s exciting and humbling to think that our little project resonated with someone so far away and pushed him to expend much of his own energy and resources in pursuit of helping grow our effort to others. Also thankful I still have some tech chops, at least enough to scrape by using helpful tools and make something kinda nice.
8/25/22: Bella went back to school yesterday and had her first classes. I’m excited for her to be a senior. It’s also the first year that she won’t either be working at Subway or as an R/A at the school and isn’t under some kind of covid restrictions. She moved into a new dorm with 3 girls, since last year she had been in a solo room as an R/A. It’s making me smile thinking about her really getting immersed in the college experience. Lord knows we’ve paid enough for her to finish strong and leave feeling confident and excited about her future. The internship she did over the summer seemed really great and I think gave her a boost in seeing what it might be like at a company doing chemistry for a living. Super proud of Bella for getting this far. She’s already shown an ability to get where she wants to go and I’m grateful we’ve been able to help her on the financial side as well as just being supportive parents when needed. Love her to death!
8/24/22: Lots of negativity around the office lately as there are layoffs pending. Nobody knows the extent, but changes are afoot for sure. I’ve been through this many times, but it’s never easy. I already know a few people who have been let go and it’s always sad to see companies cast off good people, in the name of even more profit. Hasbro is doing quite well, and I understand the need to remain competitive, but the growth mindset is the part that’s toxic in my eyes. I’m thankful for my position here and hope I won’t be cut, but having been on both sides before, I know not to take anything for granted. Grateful for my ability to land on my feet in the past and hopeful I won’t need to turn that trick again soon.
8/23/22: Locked out of my account here for a few days, thus the lack of posting. Finished FRR on Sunday! After all the days, weeks and months of fretting, planning, considering and trying to figure it out, it’s in the rearview mirror. I will say that I embraced the run in the days leading up to it, and all the effort I knew that it would take. I breathed, literally doing the 4-7-8 technique while I was waiting to start. I enjoyed the fact that it was probably my last time running Falmouth and I tried to see the beauty in that. I focused in and felt really good at the outset. Clothes feeling good, legs loose and no discomfort from the hernia. I had planned to try and run halfway before resorting to a walk and did just that. Even the walk was fun. It got harder, as being on my feet for 3+ hours always leads to discomfort in the hernia area, so it started to take hold around 5.5 miles. Still I continued and was in my own world, literally singing while walking and feeling the energy of those around me. I nearly collapsed afterward, but regained myself after sitting for a while. Having Q, Lisa and Bella around was awesome. Q and Lisa had strong runs and Bella was super helpful in logistics and getting us all back to the cars afterward. We met for lunch with some of the team and really enjoyed the day. I soaked in the pool after getting back to the campground which felt wonderful. All in all we raised $17k for the charity and I know we will get some matching funds coming in later. Amazingly successful and I couldn’t be more grateful. Everyone on the team is awesome and I’m really proud of myself for embracing the fear and getting myself to the starting and finish lines.
8/16/22: Went to the sporting goods store with Lisa and bought some gear for the race. Nothing fancy, just some new shorts and running socks. It was fun to pick out some items and picture myself at the event. We took a walk earlier and I was a bit sore, but happy and thankful to continue the process of simply moving leading up to the event. Team fundraising is going well, and we are beyond $12k on our way to the goal of $16k. I’m thankful for our group of committed runners and supporters of our thing.
Speaking of which, I also got a check from the rotary club of Fall River, which sent us $750. I had asked for $1,500 to enroll a new student at TJ’s but kinda forgot about it entirely, so it was a nice surprise when it showed up. Really nice seeing how so many people are supporting the cause and continuing to build the Rawkstars bank balance. I’m looking forward to finishing this final fundraiser of 2022 and moving onto programming to spend the money on kids!
Got a random email from a mom in NJ looking for a trumpet for her daughter. I typically wouldn’t field such a request but for $199 I could buy a student instrument and really help this family. I got a great sense from them as the mom followed up with me quickly multiple times. I decided to go ahead and order it, and it’s on it’s way to them now. So thankful the RS supporters are enabling these little victories on a regular basis. At some point, it would be amazing to capture them all and share as much as possible.
8/15/22: Went to Mike and Doreen’s yesterday and spent the afternoon by the pool. Wasn’t the hottest day as the weather has finally turned a bit, but still sunny and awesome to be outdoors. I kept my composure on the food side, and had a burger but didn’t overdo anything and no booze. Lisa and I went grocery shopping later in the afternoon and I kept it reasonable throughout the day. Race is really coming up quick and it’s a bit all-consuming. Q hung out with us too, which was nice. He got to check out some of Mike’s guitars and studio stuff, which I know is fun for him. We haven’t spent a ton of time with those guys this summer, so it was nice to break the ice a bit and enjoy the day. Grateful for the beautiful summer days and for good friends inviting us over.
8/14/11: One week til Falmouth?! Still nervous as hell but trying my damndest to embrace the fear. I know it’s going to be a rough day, but I have more confidence than a month ago that I can somehow manage to complete the journey. I’m aiming to run the first half of the race, then walk the rest. It won’t be easy even walking 3.5 miles, after running 3.5, but I’m going to give it my best. Proud of the team, who have passed the $11k mark on our way to the goal of $16k. Having so many folks put effort into the run, as well as raising money for the charity is also fulfilling. I appreciate all of them greatly.
Moonstruck played at Perry’s gig yesterday. Turnout was low, especially as compared to prior events he has put on. I know the feeling he had, being down on himself for not having a big success. It’s part of the drill when you put yourself on the line sometimes, that it falls flat. You can’t have huge successes without having some duds, it’s part of the process. Moonstruck also weren’t at their best. They went on first, when the crowd was super thin. The sound wasn’t great and I could tell they weren’t as well rehearsed and energetic as usual. I hope they rebound and I know Lisa is stressed that they are all doing so many other projects. I can imagine it’s hard on her and I’m hopeful they can find their groove again. We setup shop for the typical raffle type approach, and raised around $800. Not groundbreaking, but a solid deposit in the Rawkstars coffers to continue the momentum. I also met some guys from the Broken Chains Biker Club, that runs a church in Taunton. Dude named Bee who runs the ministry there seemed really cool. We chattted for quite some time and they do a lot with inmates who have been released. Pretty sure he was one himself and he told me they have a house band at the church with several ex-inmates involved. Felt like there was some synergy for us and I was thankful to have met someone who is committed to helping others by sharing his life journey. Perry has been super generous to us over the years and I hope he didn’t take too much of a bath on the gig. Grateful for his friendship and support.
8/12/22: Spent a few hours at Massimoto with David yesterday. He and I met for coffee last week and it gave me the chance to talk with him about helping me cut something rough together for the Lora video thing at Hasbro. I’ve been stalling on it for weeks, because I’m stuck as to how to assemble something decent with no assets. We didn’t get super far but getting on the path was helpful and I’m thankful for his help and friendship. I’ll be heading back next week to try and finish it off.
8/11/22: Met Brandon and Yashi yesterday. He’s the newest Rawkstars student. He’s also our first Rhode Island kid, which is awesome. I met them through Rebekah, who owns the music studio and who has become a recent friend. I’m so excited about this new approach of starting with stores to find kids in need. I’m also pumped about breaking into the Pawtucket scene, as it’s kind of an adopted home for me at this point. I’m filled with gratitude about being able to help these folks and to tell their stories, even on a small scale.
8/10/22: Had a productive day at work yesterday. Trying to get some ‘shape’ around a course change for myself. I want to focus in more on fewer things and take ownership of some programs, instead of being put in a position to constantly react and juggle what comes my way. Felt good to get a bit of this ‘on paper’ and we’ll see if I can muster support for the concept and figure out how to get myself on a new trajectory, hopefully upward. Grateful for having some room here to carve out these ideas, even while I’m getting daily work done and being helpful. Also thankful for the support of my boss Sue, who is a friend and cares about me.
Jammed through about 10 songs last night for the first time in a few weeks. Got my rig setup after the gig, but haven’t really opened it up til last night. Loving my pedal and sound is improving in the way I wanted it. I also plowed through the songs effortlessly. Middle pluck finger got sore but it didn’t slow me at all, and if anything, it made me dig in deeper. Proud of myself for small gains on the bass and for feeling motivated to keep at it.
8/9/22: Had Al and Jeanine’s wedding on Saturday. They asked me to take pics, which was awesome. First time doing any kind of wedding photography. It was a lot of work, and it was a super hot day. I spent some time at the beginning just shooting the ceremony and a few pics after. As it turned out, those were pretty bad. I didn’t really have any plan, so I didn’t get a lot of shots and the sun kept me from getting anything worthwhile from the service. I can see why such planning goes into a typical shoot and why having a great, long view camera is required for this type of work. As the day wore on, I sporadically shot and used my DSLR plus the cell phone. I wish I had taken more pics of specific people, as I tended to focus on our crew, who I spent most of the day with. Anyways, I edited the pics into an album and shared with Al and Jeanine yesterday. I think they dug them mostly, and I’m grateful to have been given the opportunity to capture it. I’m also thankful that I learned more about taking pics, as I usually do when I spend time shooting/editing more than casually.
8/6/22: Continuing the walking plan, and got to the park for another 3.25 miler. My legs are feeling good, a few days removed from the last 5k run. 15 days from FRR and it’s scary, but I’m feeling better about my chances to survive after the last few weeks of walking and continuing the weekly runs. Thankful Lisa is here to help push me and for company while I walk.
Bella was supposed to return from Chicago last night, but her flight got cancelled. She won’t be home until tonight. Thankful she is getting an extra day, even at the expense of the horrific airport experience, that is sadly been normalized the last year.
Finally got my car A/C sorted out. After no air for the entire summer, I finally got an appointment and took her in. Wound up being covered by the warranty, which seems appropriate, since the car isn’t that old. I also had my alternate oil change freebie, so the dropoff literally cost me zero! Thankful my car is running well again and that I’ll be driving with air again.
8/5/22: Met Dave Yuknat for lunch yesterday. We were friends way back in the Upromise days and he’s a music guy. He also sits on the board of the GBKF, a foundation that has supported Rawkstars a few times, including our biggest grant ever of 20k. I wrote up a proposal asking for another chunk of money to build on the success we’ve been experiencing the last few years. We sat outside at Lambert’s, a great little market that makes awesome sandwiches. While I was walking Dave through my spiel about how we’ve been growing but have the opportunity to do much more, someone walked by and said “JJ?” indicating we knew each other. I drew a blank but it was Sherrill Oglia, my friend Mark’s wife. I haven’t seen her in quite some time and the context of the situation didn’t help. In any case, she started talking about seeing me on Kelly Clarkson and how amazing all the Rawkstars work was. Super serendipitous to say the least, literally as I was telling Dave how we need the funds to fuel more growth. So thankful for the coincidence and also for my relationship with Dave. The chance encounter with Sherrill aside, I have a good feeling about the grant and am lucky to even be in such a position, regardless of outcome. I had lunch with an old friend, ran into another and spent time talking about something I love dearly with an awesome roast beef sandwich 🙂
8/4/22: Started (slowly) working on a proposal to alter my programs at work. I’ve been looking for a better way to spend some of my time and try to get away from the event stuff that I’m doing a lot of lately. I’m proposing a storytelling role where I can do regular pieces including video/copy/speaking/website in an attempt to give voice to our employees. We talk a lot about stories at work and their power with our customers, but don’t invest in this area internally for some reason. I think the idea is super solid and would be really exciting to work on. I’m not really sure about the best way to make it realized, but putting all the thoughts down in a presentation style deck is the first step. Thankful to have the chance to work on the idea and hopeful I can continue the journey of honing my professional purpose here at Hasbro.
Bella headed off to Chicago to accompany Cam on a work visit. Lisa dropped them off at the shuttle and we’ll pick them up Friday. I’m happy for her as I know she likes to experience new things and places. I’m sure she will have fun and opening her eyes to new experiences is awesome. Grateful she is open to these opportunities and looking for chances to take flight, literally and figuratively.
8/3/22: Met up with Natalie Hogan and JoAnn Perkowski last night, two old Hasbro peeps. Had a really fun time and had a couple drinks at the Hot Club on the PVD waterfront. They are both doing really great and actually work together for a tech startup that Natalie helped found. Grateful for making stronger connections with friends over time. I’ve stayed in touch with Natalie a bit over the years but JoAnn is a newer connection. She came to our gig a few weeks ago and it sparked me to reach out to her. Thankful to have the chance to talk more deeply with them both and enjoy a beautiful night outside in the city.
8/2/22: Lisa and I have run the Colonial Fun Run the last 4 weeks. The prior two weeks I really struggled and had to walk part way, after only 2 miles. Last night I finished the course and actually posted a sub-12 minute average mile. I haven’t run that pace in months. I wasn’t really trying to increase my speed, but it was one of those runs where I found a groove and felt like my stride was on point, at least for parts of the 3.25 miles. I’m thrilled to have been able to run the full course, as I began to worry it had passed me by. I’m going to go back to the walking thing in an effort to remain active without pounding my body, as I am quite sore on my right side today. Grateful for my body, even in its depleted form. I know many others would be thrilled to be able to run or even walk that far.
8/1/22: Saw Smokey Robinson on Saturday night down at Foxwoods. He was amazing! Full of life and there was a really enthusiastic crowd, which always makes the biggest difference. We had a ton of fun and Lisa enjoyed I think more than I expected. We got there a few hours early and did a ton of walking and people watching, always fun at a casino. We ate at Guy Fieri’s, which unexpectedly, was actually pretty decent for that type of place. We didn’t stay over, as I’ve been trying to watch a bit of the bank account lately. We’ve taken a beating with Bella’s last college bill, plus a few months of rampant spending. We’re still doing ok, but I want to tone it down slightly as I know my hernia surgery is pending and other stuff on the horizon. Grateful for fun times with Lisa and live music!
Been on a roll of walking every day for 3+ miles at the park. I know I need to stretch out the time I can move, with FRR fast approaching. I’m taking the opportunity to try and push these last 3 weeks to see if I can somehow manage to actually finish the course, even if it means having to walk the second half. I don’t want to let my teammates, family or myself down by not trying my hardest. The running is so abusive lately, I feel like longer walks is a good idea. It’s also nice to spend time with Lisa and being outdoors. Grateful that my wife is trying to help bring out the best in me and that my attitude is focused on just doing what I can, whatever that looks like.
7/29/22: Finally had time to talk with Lisa after a few days of tension between us. It stemmed from getting her car serviced, but of course was about something else entirely. I’m thankful for being able to talk and get passed it. I’m also grateful for my marriage, even when it’s far from perfect. I know it’s made me the person I am today and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Bella is finally recovered and back to work after her short bout with Covid. She’s nearing the end of her internship and has plans for the remainder of the summer. She’s going with Cam to Chicago next week, for a work meeting he has. They are also going to Nashville later in the month, as a gift for her 21st that Cam put together. They’ll also be coming to Falmouth with us for the race weekend and then she goes back to start her senior year. Thankful she is doing so well with the internship and with her connection to Cam.
7/27/22: Lisa got angry with me last night because I didn’t offer to help get her car serviced. I noticed a few days ago when I drove with Q that it needed brakes in the rear. I told her about it and she asked me to call Joe, our usual course of action. I did, but he is out of work with a muscle strain. She asked about taking the car to PepBoys or one of the local shops and I said go for it! My POV is that it’s literally a simple phone call or website visit to schedule an appointment. I certainly don’t have any special expertise in that area, so I didn’t jump to take care of it. On any given day, I’m juggling dozens of responsibilities. It’s not that I don’t want to be helpful, it’s that I don’t understand why she can’t simply make the call, same as I would have done. Her schedule, by comparison, is extremely light and it seems like a no brainer to simply schedule the service. Anyways, she took my reluctance to simply absorb this task as an unwillingness to want to help her. We spent the night in virtual silence and I left this morning feeling crappy about it. I understand in hindsight that she feels unsupported, but that was not my aim of course. In my mind, I simply am overwhelmed sometimes with all the responsibility I feel and so taking on something so trivial (in my mind) feel like piling on. Not positive how this fits into the gratitude realm, but I suppose I’m thankful that our fights are ‘mild’ in the sense that we aren’t screaming at one another.
7/26/22: Ran the Fun Run again last night. 3rd week in a row. Again, I struggled to get past 2 miles and had to walk for about 10 minutes before restarting to run. I’m definitely hard on myself and scared about Falmouth, but also proud of myself for continuing to push, despite the struggle. Lisa came with me again and it’s been nice to do some of this together. Grateful for my body, even in its less than perfect state of operation 🙂
I also weighed myself for the first time in about a month. I had been hovering at 250+ and rang in at 248, which made me happy. I know it doesn’t sound like much difference, but I’ve been eating pretty liberally and ‘living life’ as they say, so still managing to drop even a small amount of weight is awesome. I started the year at 260 post-XMas, so down about 12lbs since then. Again, it doesn’t sound like a ton, but being on the right trajectory is what I’m after, as opposed to a quick downturn only to rebound upward as I can’t continue the lifestyle changes. My clothes definitely are fitting better and even though I still have some ‘skinny’ clothes I cannot wear, more of my closet is available than a few months back. Hoping to continue to drop slowly over the ensuing months, and also to continue running, regardless of how I fare at Falmouth.
Dodged a small emergency yesterday with the A/C. Lisa found water in the laundry room, which is never good. After some cleaning and looking around, we discovered the A/C was leaking pretty liberally. It’s been super hot the last few weeks and the air is running hard. I assumed we were going to have to replace the internal system, so I texted Dan. I also assumed he was super slammed and might not get back soon. He texted me a few hours later and came by. After about 3 minutes, he showed me the problem, which was simply a clogged runoff tube that he had installed a few years back for this reason. He plunged it out and showed me how to clean it and everything was fine. He was in/out in about 20 minutes and it didn’t cost a penny. Later, I sent him an Amazon gift card for $100. Even though it didn’t take much effort, he came out of his way to service us quickly and for free. It’s almost unheard of today to have someone so helpful in that industry where it really is important to have support. He messaged me back how kind it was and we bonded a bit. Super thankful for his help and to have someone I can count on when shit goes wrong with our home systems. Also grateful to have the funds and attitude to take care of people even when it’s not 100% required.
7/24/22: Seems like Bella has covid :/ – she woke up feeling tired and achy, took an at home test and voila. She and Cam went back to his parents place, since it’s empty for the week as they are on vacation. We decided to punt on Mike’s pool party, to be conservative and not pass it around. Kind of a bummer as I was looking forward to some time out of the house with others. That said, we stayed in and watched a Tarantino movie with Q. I setup the espresso machine that the kids bought us for the anniversary and made my first cup. Yum 😉 – Caught up on bookkeeping for Rawkstars, paid some bills and responded to some emails from propsective new students. Grateful for being healthy and not feeling sick, grateful for the day to catch up on small things and grateful that Bella doesn’t seem too ill and will hopefully bounce back quickly.
7/23/22: Went to Otra last night for Bella’s 21st celebration. We hit the waterfront bar across the street for 2 drinks first. I think the kids overdid it, as they both ordered frozen cocktails and two different varieties right off the bat. We were all pretty much starving by the time we walked over to the restaurant and got seated. I ordered several tapas items, as Lisa and I had tried a bunch a few weeks earlier. They started bringing the dishes over slowly and we also ordered another round. The kids again got completely different drinks than the first round. I definitely ordered too much, at least when coupled with the fact that everyone also ordered an entree and it became apparent quickly that Bella in particular had overdone it. The food was really good and Q seemed to enjoy it, including the duck which he ordered on his own. We were all pretty stuffed by the time we wrapped up, but Bella especially. Grateful we were all together and in hindsight, we probably could have gotten Smitty’s pizza or something more low key and had just as good of a time.
Hard not to be reflective when your kid turns 21 and thinking it over, it’s pretty amazing how far we have all come. Bella is one year away from graduating college. We’ve paid for all but one semester, so I know she won’t be saddled with much debt and soon will be using her money for a car, saving for a down payment, rent or whatever she chooses. She is smart, develops good relationships, hard working, generous and talented. All before the age of 21. Super thankful for the kids we have raised and how beautiful they have both become.
7/22/21: Busy day and lots of music activity yesterday. First off, I scored tickets to see Larkin Poe, down in Truro at a small venue outdoors. Been trying to see them for about 4 years and had a few covid cancels and I don’t want to see them at a large venue. Later in the morning, Diana Ross announced a gig in Boston the same week and I grabbed 2nd row center seats! There is also a Ringo Starr gig that week that Richie told me about and an old FOH guy I know is coming to town with Extreme / Aerosmith at Fenway the same night as Diana. I took the week off from work and aiming to make it a music mashup as much as I have energy for. Thankful for live music and for the good fortune to be able to afford it, and have friends who can help.
I also lucked into an extra bib for FRR. That means I’m 100% back on the hook for running. I am scared shitless about it but want to do everything I can to walk, shuffle, run, crawl over the finish line and fulfill this commitment to myself and to our team. There’s one month left til the race so I’ve got no time to lose. Proud of the team taking shape, raising money and for myself in trying as hard as I can to make it happen.
Spoke with Greg about filling in on drums for Heavy Mellow. After the gig last week, Paul was kinda somber. After asking him about playing on 10/8, he conceded that we should try and get a fill in. I could also tell he was not feeling pumped about the direction and effort required to keep up with learning new tunes outside his wheelhouse. I love playing with him and he’s a great guy, but it’s probably in all our best interest to move on from each other. Greg was psyched to be asked and the timing is good as he just left one of his other bands. I’m secretly hopeful we’ll rehearse a few times and enjoy each other enough for him to simply join the band. Either way, I’m thankful he will do at least one gig with us and that I’m very close to having it officially booked for us and Moonstruck to play together this fall.
7/21/22: 25th anniversary yesterday! Lisa planned a beach day which was amazing. She took charge and planned everything. She had bought some chairs and a new cooler and had everything packed up. She surprised me by driving to Tina’s house, where we parked and had Tina take us to Mayflower, where it’s hard to get parking. We of course chatted for quite some time and it was great to see her and the girls. We got sandwiches at a local shop and Tina dropped us off. The beach was really nice, very sandy and clean. Good amount of people but not overcrowded by any means. Plenty of room to spread out and we found a spot to setup our gear. Water was a bit cold but actually felt good. We waded in slowly and did our beach routine of swim, dry/warm and walking. We had a few drinks, ate our food and had a little bit of music. After about 4 hours we had Tina pick us up and we went back to her house, when Jason was getting home from work. We took a ride on their boat around the area they live and it was absolutely beautiful. Great to catch up with those guys and talk. We drove home kinda late and when we got home the kids were there and gave us a present. They bought us an espresso maker! So super sweet of them and thoughtful. Was a perfect day and spending it with Lisa, the kids and Tina/Jason was totally perfect. Couldn’t be more grateful for my life. Lisa has been an awesome partner for nearly as long as I can remember, and the idea isn’t to be perfect. I’m such a fortunate person to have her, the kids and lifetime friends like Tina in almost every area of my existence.
7/18/22: Weekend was gig night on Saturday at The Met. Really good time! Turnout was solid, even with all the summer vacation folks passing. Venue was great and as soon as we sound-checked I knew we would have an awesome show. It felt really natural and is probably the most comfortable I ever felt playing a gig. I made mistakes and was sloppy at times, but it was because I was having so much fun as opposed to struggling with the songs. I moved around a ton and really thrived off the energy. Overall, we made some fairly large mistakes as a band, but I was proud of us and myself for following right along and getting back in line. I feel like we proved to be an actual band today, instead of just some friends who learned some songs together. Blaster were awesome too and Jerry and his band really supported the night. They donated a ton of swag for the raffle and their crowd really dug us. They ended the night with all the kids on stage singing ‘Fight for your right!” which was cool as hell. Loved seeing the involvement from the families all being together. Bella, Q and Cam really helped as well. They ran the raffle table and helped clean up as well as loading my car with gear. I think they all enjoyed being part of it and it felt like a family gig. Bella actually came up and sang Waster Years with us which was a definite highlight. She hasn’t sang on stage in years and absolutely crushed it from note one. We had lots of friends who made the trek down and it felt so nice to be supported by them. Dave/Liza and Sue/Doug/Alex/Mike/Vivian were there. Perry, Wayne, John and Julie and Michelle also came and took pics of us. Greg and Rebecca made the hour plus drive and Greg shoved a $200 check into my pocket also. So grateful and joyous to have such great bandmates and old friends and make new ones as well.
Spent yesterday at the Bento’s pool. It was hot but rained for part of the day. We stayed outside under the umbrellas and listened to stories about Olga and Joe growing up in the old country. It was nice to hear about it and to have Bella and Cam get some perspective as well. They literally grew up with no possessions and really just had themselves, family and work to keep them going. Sounds like a simple existence but also hard. Grateful for all the luxuries we have, including a pool, A/C and a million other things that people like them had no access to just one generation ahead of ours.
7/14/22: Band practice last night in advance of the gig Saturday. We sounded great and it felt awesome. A ton of people said they cannot make it due to vacations, etc. and I don’t think we’ll get as big a turnout as expected, but no matter. I’m excited to play for sure and also looking forward to showing off our band. We really haven’t had a proper debut since Crissy joined after covid, really only playing at Larry’s b-day party last summer. It will be nice to show others what we’ve been doing and get some feedback. I’m also excited to play with Blaster. They seem like a ton of fun and Jerry has been great to partner with on the logistics. He is donating a bunch of Hasbro stuff for the raffle and pushed me to acquire Sox and Patriots tix. His band is also donating a house party gig as an auction prize. All proceeds from the gig will go to Rawkstars and while I don’t expect any kind of windfall, even a little bit of money will be great. Thankful for such awesome people in my life, who also happen to be super musical.
7/13/22: Ran the Colonial Fun Run 5k last night for the first time in a few years. I had felt good the night before, so I said to Lisa we should run it to keep myself accountable. I was nervous and it was hard but I got through it. Was good to see Jamie, who is working out constantly. Guy is in amazing shape and I always love his energy. We also talked with Owen’s mom, who runs as well. She gave me some good advice and made me feel better about myself. Grateful that I got my ass moving!
Also visited the surgeon for my hernia consult finally. He confirmed everything and I’m scheduled for laparoscopic procedure on 9/1. I know it’s necessary and I feel good about getting it on the calendar. Even though I’m nervous, I know it’s the right thing. I’ll be going to Miriam Hospital which has a great reputation and my hope is that I’m on the road to recovery soon after. He says I’ll be sore but back to light activity within a week. Hopeful this addresses the issue once and for all and that I can keep momentum going on the heels of getting it repaired and get back on the bike, etc. Grateful that my health is decent, and despite all the years of abuse on my body that it’s still functional.
7/12/22: Had lunch with Craig Charlwood yesterday. He reached out a few weeks ago asking to connect and sounded a little desperate. He was looking to have a conversation about career/life/etc. in support of changing some things for himself, like what I went through a few years ago. Luckily, it doesn’t sound like he is in as desperate a position as I was feeling, and I’m so thankful he reached out. We caught up about family and what not and I told him my story in hopes it would help bring him some comfort knowing others have done the same soul searching. In hindsight, I focused a little too much on myself but I think we had a good chat. He’s a smart, caring person and I know he will succeed. I’m so very flattered that he trusted me to connect with and having people in our lives to count on and to support one another is so important.
7/11/22: Yesterday was the John Cafferty show in Bridgewater. Susie Cullen invited Rawkstars to participate and we raised $1,600 selling raffle tickets and some older t-shirts I had. She had a stressful time managing the gig with some of the partners she worked with, but it wound up being a great day. Lisa and I setup an old school raffle table with Rawkstars gear and info and we worked it all day, pretty hard. We met a ton of cool people and I told the story of the charity dozens of times. We made some new friends and sold most of the merch we brought. I also got rid of another guitar from my closet and we paired it with another that was donated by a friend of Susie’s. The folks running the event created a strange culture among the group but I did my best to be super nice and thankful to them for having us. I’m thankful for being asked to participate in music events. I’m thankful for Lisa spending her day helping out and doing so much work for the charity. I’m thankful for Susie for involving us and helping out a ton with little details. I’m thankful for all the cool people we met and all those who donated.
7/10/22: Lisa and I spent the afternoon in Providence. We walked like 4 miles around the city, which was awesome. Day was sunny and we explored a lot. We found our way back to a few bar/food spots after that I’ve been wanting to check out. First we hit Otra, which was absolutely amazing. Even though we got there when it opened, and there were only a few customers, it had a great vibe. Perfect latin guitar music at the right level. Place was clean and nicely put together with open sunny doors that provided indoor/outdoor seating. We sat at the bar and ordered a few drinks and checked out the tapas menu. We got shishito peppers, pork belly, got cheese with honey and a plate with olives, almonds and a buttery garlic spread. Every dish was simple, perfectly prepared and mouthwatering. Really enjoyed it and will definitely head back asap! Next we tried the 345 speakeasy at Plant City. Inside was dark and you had to enter through a kitchen and go downstairs, which was kinda cool. Totally different vibe than Otra, but kinda cool. More suited for late night and a younger crowd than us I think. We got a couple drinks which were solid. Bar was pumping an eclectic mix of tunes, which fit the atmosphere. Food was meh. We got some mushroom tacos, which were decent. Fried, crispy mushrooms with some toppings. We ordered a ‘raw bar’ which is a vegan version of a veggie tray. It took over 30 minutes to arrive which seemed weird. Once it finally came, it wasn’t that great. Veggies weren’t super fresh or crisp and the dipping sauces were average, tasted like they could be from a jar. Anyways, it was cool to check out both spots and Otra was a real find. Grateful to have spent the afternoon walking with Lisa around the city and that we can afford such luxurious meals and drinks whenever we want.
Earlier in the morning, Mike Bradley, Sue and Doug’s son in law, came to the house with his co-worker and took down a huge tree from our side yard. It was pretty close to the bay window on the side of the house, and it really trashed the yard with acorns, branches and leaves every fall. It wasn’t cheap to have it removed, but it was also riddled with poison oak, which Lisa is super allergic to. Hopefully having it gone will help her a bit. Our yard is much sunnier, and I think it was a good call to have it removed. Thankful again that we are spending our money fixing up the house, both inside and out and improving our daily living standard in small ways.
7/9/22: Took the family down to Plymouth last night for a walk and some food. We got pizza at the outdoor place across from the water and had some laughs. Nothing fancy, but it was nice to be together and to be outside and even the usual bickering was funny. Grateful for the family time and to be able to afford eating out when we want.
7/8/22: Continued my walking routine yesterday with a 2 miler after work. Grateful to be moving again lately. Stopped by the print shop to see Shanna yesterday, who offered to help Rawkstars with the FRR shirt order. I prefer the online selection and process of the typical web purchase, but she is definitely going to save us a lot of cash. It will also be great to see the quality so I can make other purchases through them going forward. Thankful for such generous family members willing to help us out. Took Q for a long drive before dinner and he did pretty well. He’s getting more relaxed, which is key. I feel pretty safe with him at the wheel, though he has a ways to go in terms of recognizing the multitude of patterns you need to encounter when driving in Massachusetts. Thankful to spend this time with him and be somewhat helpful in his learning process. Got a proposal out to the DYS folks last night for the pilot I’ve been pitching. I also met with a potential instructor who I met through Bryan Hinkley. He’s a producer named ‘Rilla’ and seems like a perfect fit for what we are looking to do. Fingers cross, and thankful for the chance to pitch this idea to more facilities and impact more kids.
7/7/22: Mellow couple days at work, due to summer vacations, etc. It’s been kinda nice to have days without a ton of meetings and feeling like I can catch up on some life things. I did a bit of gig promo for the upcoming HM show at The Met. I also finished a design for the FRR gear, which I’m really happy with too. I submitted an overdue expense report and got a few emails out to work folks that I had been stalling on. I also took advantage of my computer O/S updating and took a walk, as well as a second one in the evening before dinner. Grateful for a bit of downtime.
7/6/22: Had an early visit from the electrician yesterday, and he installed our new light fixtures and ceiling fan. Everything looks great and I’m really happy with how it all looks. He also fixed the dimmer in our bathroom, so the honey-do list got a tiny bit shorter. Next up, I need to get a plumber over to do a bathroom faucet and then get the new bathroom done downstairs. With the new washer/dryer a few weeks ago, upgraded PA and some cleaning of the studio space it’s great to see the house space shaping up a little more. Grateful for our home and for our ability to pay for such amenities.
7/5/22: Went back to Dorothy’s yesterday for round #2. Quincy came this time and it was really fun. Smaller crowd but still plenty of family and friends to make a great day. Too much drinking and eating again, but I really did have fun. WE swam, laughed, talked, ate and even watched Nadal advance to the quarterfinals of Wimbledon. Q really digs hanging over there which is the best part. Grateful for the family and all our love for one another.
7/4/22: On Saturday, Lisa and I went by GiGi’s house with the kids. I bought her a few magnifying devices as I know she likes to read, but doesn’t see well. Unfortunately, none of them seemed to work for her :/. I also bought her a larger TV, in hopes she could see it a bit better and more clearly. Cam and Q put it together and got everything working, which was nice. She seems good, though she did mention about missing Ben a few times. I’m thankful she is still around and healthy and that the kids got to know her for so long.
Yesterday we had band practice in advance of the gig on the 16th. Rehearsal was crappy, but we got through a bunch of songs we haven’t played in a while and I think we have a planned setlist now. I’m confident things will come together for the show, and we have one final jam scheduled for the Wednesday prior. Excited to perform with the guys for the first time in forever and show a few people (and ourselves) what we are about. Not sure about the long-term fate of HM. I think there is conflict brewing a bit with Paul. We took a gig that he booked but are on the verge of backing out, since none of us feels ready. I think Paul is also a bit unhappy with our tunes, as he struggles to learn them with so much else going on musically for himself. I love him and enjoy playing with him too. Just really hard to plan gigs and to learn the songs sometimes. That aside, I’m thankful for the band and everyone in it. It’s kept me going at least a tiny bit musically and is a great group of people.
Lisa and I went to Dorothy’s 4th party yesterday. Sadly Q had to work and Bella/Cam went to Maine for the weekend so neither could join. She had a nice crowd and the weather was perfect. They have such a great yard and there were so many awesome people there. Roy, Robert, Eduina and Anna were there representing the Araujos. Lemmy, Ellie, Olivia and even Kevin made an appearance on the Bento side. Of course Dorothy, Michelle, Janice, Kathy, Nelson, Mark, Liz and all the kiddos were there. LOVE hanging with this crew and wish we had more of it. In the old days we used to have more regular connections with the extended family and more of the aunts/uncles and cousins would come. It’s dwindled a bit and some folks have moved and others have passed away. Still, the family loves each other and anytime we have the chance to see all those people is always awesome.
7/2/22: Met up with Jim, Doug and Rich B. for a couple beers after work. We had been trying to get together for a while so it was nice to finally make it happen for real. Good time, and just a chance to connect with a group of friends I don’t spend as much time with.
Watched the Stranger Things finale last night with the kiddos. Very much anticipated and everyone was excited to watch. It’s one of those few shows we can all share in, which is cool. There was a scene where this metal kid played a guitar on top of a building to ward off these demons and he played Master of Puppets! The kids had been speculating about it all week as there was a trailer that someone on youtube zoomed in on and figured out the chords, of course. Anyways, it was kinda cool even though it was hokey and the kids really got a charge out of it. Grateful there are things we overlap on and can all enjoy together.
Took a walk through Massasoit yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. Really needed to move as I have been pretty stagnant for a bit. Good news is my hernia hasn’t bothered me, bad news is I’m not feeling that great in part because of lack of movement. In any case, thankful I got out yesterday and spent an hour walking.
6/30/22: Continuing to have some donations come into Rawkstars. Got a $489 check from Band-Gig for their latest student concert and another random $45 donation in the PO. I know there have been a few FB campaigns lately as well and we have the EBCC event with John Cafferty next week, as well as Perry’s Rock Can Roll thing in August. Falmouth runners are also starting to fundraise and I caught up on the accounting for those early donations yesterday as well. Really amazing how so many people are coming together to bolster our coffers and support the charity. We surpassed $60k in our bank account for the first time ever and are already part way to topping $70k. Lastly, I spoke with Dave Y over at GBKF about some funding for this year and he seemed receptive. Planning to put together a project outline and budget to submit to him this weekend. Fingers crossed. It’s all very humbling, really.
6/29/22: Busy work week again, but enjoying most of what I’m juggling. Had a family dinner last night with all 4 of us, which was nice. Quincy went to the gym with Lisa and I’m proud that he is pushing himself, and I know how fucking hard that is! Bella seems to be cruising along with her internship and I’m grateful that she seems happy and productive in her chosen field. Rewarding to see the kids continuing to flourish and grow, even as they get older.
6/28/22: Rainy day yesterday and stayed home to work instead of heading out. It was quiet and I’m thankful for the occasional day when not much happens. I’ve been reading the Dave Grohl bio and absolutely love it. His writing is on point and the early chapters about his touring with a punk rock band really resonate with a young version of myself. He really is an amazing, talented, cool as fuck guy. Went after dinner to pickup a guitar I was getting repaired at Rick’s. Saw Paul, Bob and Mark and chatted for a while. Grateful for musical friends. Had a solid day of eating after a gluttonous weekend. Thankful for getting back on the horse.
6/27/22: Band practice yesterday. Good energy for the first time in a bit. Jim was sick so we had a stripped down version but things sounded great. Always nice when you nail a strong practice and leave feeling like we are getting better. Went to the Bento’s pool after with Lisa for a swim and some Sunday lunch of soup, bread and chourico. Always awesome, we took a few dips and enjoyed the sun for a couple hours before coming back home. Thankful for a weekend of friends, parties and music.
6/25/22: Productive day, yesterday. Light Hasbro day so I took advantage and used my time for some overdue items. Well, Bella got a flat tire the night before so I had to deal with that first. I changed her tire and put on the donut. Hadn’t done that in a few years and was glad I still have the skills and energy to tackle it myself. Brought the car to Aziz, who is an absolute beautiful guy. Been taking the cars to him for a few years now, after excellent experiences again and again. No different and he only charged me $20 to repair the tire. Super grateful to have crossed paths with him. Not only because he is cheaper than anyone else, but to know there are businessmen out there who really do care about helping people first and foremost.
Moved on to fixing the light switches in Q’s room and bathroom. For some odd reason, both have stopped working in recent weeks. I’m not much on electrical work, but I can change a switch. Got some new parts at Home Depot and was able to get both working. Glad to get his room back in order and thankful for small things I’m able to fix, as I’m not much of a handyman type.
Washer/Dryer got delivered and installed too. We bought them in advance of the bathroom project we are supposed to be doing. They are much nicer, modern versions of the old time ones we used to have. Lisa did some laundry already and loved them. Thankful we can afford stuff like that and that we are making small improvements to the house.
Q had an end of school party last night with about 15 kids. We grilled burgers and hot dogs. Nothing fancy but we setup the yard for him, had a fire and music and food. He has a nice group of friends and some old faces showed up, which was cool. They cleaned the yard before going to bed so I really didn’t have to do anything this morning except a few dishes and trash. Grateful for having the kids over and for Quincy’s improved maturity over the last few years.
6/24/22: Hosted a new initiative at work yesterday called Thirsty Thursday. I visited the old NPD building, where I spent 5+ years in IT. Saw a lot of old faces and folks I completely forgot about. It was nice to get some perspective by seeing the space and some of those folks. It made me realize how much better my experience at Hasbro is now and grateful for being in such a better place. My job is better, the building is better, the energy is better, the motivation is better and a million other aspects I could point to. Thankful for old friends and catching up with several folks. Also thankful for how far I’ve come and for the opportunity to recognize and appreciate the positive changes.
6/23/22: Got the Community Chest award at Hasbro again yesterday for volunteer hours. Always special to be recognized with a group of awesome people. Lots of friends and some new faces in the group this year and grateful to be associated with them and recognized by our company.
Wrapped up the Games On Main launch yesterday at work also, which felt good to cross off. I wasn’t a huge proponent of working on it but I know it was important to my boss and I want to be supportive of her, since she is of me. Thankful for Hasbro and all it’s brought to me and my family.
6/22/22: Had a busy/productive day at work. Got home kinda wiped out, but managed to say ‘yes’ when Lisa asked me to take a walk. Nothing strenuous, just a mile down to the pizza shop. Still, I was glad to have agreed, as it would have been much easier to blow it off and chalk it up to being tired. Similarly, Quincy asked me to take him driving at like 8:15. I was already slumping on the couch, but assented. Glad I did as we always chat while in the car. He’s doing pretty well with the driving but is still a bit overwhelmed in certain scenarios. It just takes time and experience which he is slowly getting. Thankful they both asked me to do things and more thankful that I agreed. Life is what happens while you are in these moments and pushing them off is never the right thing.
6/21/22: Spent Juneteenth yesterday at the Strawbridge place. They have a killer yard setup and the Pawlowskis and Corrs also came. Quincy was thrilled to have the ‘lineage’ families together and we had a fun time. Weather was perfect but I didn’t get the chance to swim. Had a couple beers and some BBQ they bought for lunch. Grateful for some new friends and doing things as a family.
6/20/22: Father’s Day yesterday. Was mellow. We did breakfast together which was nice. Place was packed so we had to wait quite some time, but no rush and it was good. Afterward, we came home and Lisa and I did some cleaning. The studio had been smelling like Ajax and he had been peeing in the corner behind the PA. I took some stuff down and did some thorough cleaning, with some pet spray we bought. Lisa spread some baking powder to pull out the dampness and vacuumed a few times. Much improved and I’m hopeful he will stop using that spot outside his litter box.
I also bought some new 15″ bottoms for my PA. Kind of on a spending spree of sorts and had been wanting to get a second sub for a while. We have the money so it seemed like a good time to indulge in an effort to keep improving the live sound of our room.
Quincy had to work for a couple hours and Bella wound up driving to Cam’s house for an overnight, so we found ourselves alone. We hiked about 3.5 miles at the park through the woods. It was a nice respite and being outside was good, even though it was cool and sprinkling.
Lastly, I spent a bit of time making a cold bean salad. Been trying to prepare food more often these last several weeks. Being hands-on with that brings me closer to the source and usually has an impact on how well I eat. I prepped some chicken thighs for dinner and we ate them, along with the beans. Filling and satisfying.
Bella and Lisa gave me cards, and Lisa cleaned my car a bit, which was nice.
Grateful for the family and for a low-key enjoyable Father’s Day.
6/19/22: Hung out with Mikey. He got delayed returning home, so we got to connect once more. We got some crappy take-out but it was fun to have him over the house for a couple hours. Grateful for having a great brother and for a fun night catching up.
Lisa and I did some shopping yesterday. We sorted out the laundry machine situation and other items for the new 1/2 bathroom we are putting downstairs. It’s going to be small but Lisa really wanted it, so I’m glad we are moving ahead. Thankful we have money to make it happen and that we made a tiny bit of progress, at least figuring out what to buy and how much it all costs. We are also buying some new light fixtures for upstairs, to refresh the place and fix some broken switches downstairs at the same time. Our house has treated us pretty well and it feels good to take some small steps to keep it updated and functional.
Weighed in at 250 even today. That’s down 10lbs since the beginning of the year. May not sound like a ton but I’m proud of myself and definitely notice a difference in how I feel and how my clothes fit. It’s been a slow path and of course filled with bumps. That aside, I’m on good footing and even though I still fall off course, my trajectory is solid. I’m eating mostly whole foods, without very much sugar or processing. I’m struggling with the hernia thing lately, but otherwise, feeling decent. Lisa finally got me an appointment with a surgeon after a ton of red tape, but I have it on the calendar for mid July. Hopeful that will lead to getting it resolved and starting to heal. It’s kept me from biking and definitely becoming more of a nuisance and pain over these last few months. Thankful for the weight loss and for an improved outlook mentally that accompanied it.
6/17/22: Ran the Hasbro 5k fun run last night. As it turned out, it was closer to 2.65 miles, but I was prepared for the 5k and finished pretty solidly. The course was nice at Roger Williams Park but also kinda hilly. I kept a slowish pace as I had no clue what was ahead. I found another guy who was around my speed and basically followed him most of the way. Couple times I got alongside him, which caused him to speed up. We swapped back and forth a few times through the last mile and when we got in sight of the finish line, I sped up. He turned on the jets and passed me, but that was totally cool. We pushed each other and I crossed the line running hard. My hernia was bothering me, but otherwise I did ok. It was a harder run than the 5k I ran last week, but I made it. I’m at a level of confidence with that distance but still really worried about anything more. Regardless, I’m grateful I can still run 5k and push myself mentally/physically to try.
6/16/22: Band practice last night. Another month+ hiatus left us rusty as heck, but it was nice to shake it off, again. We worked on some new songs which felt kinda good. We have a gig booked at The Met on July 16th, so it feels like the pressure will bring us together. We scheduled 3 rehearsals between now and then so hopefully nothing will derail us and we can have a good show, feeling like we are at a proper level. Grateful for the band, even though it’s been somewhat frustrating lately.
Running a 5k with Hasbro tonight. I don’t usually write about things ahead of time, but I’m thinking about it a lot. I have been trying to shake off this cold the last several days, since traveling to Florida and not feeling 100%. I’m hopeful the run will be a successful one and I’ll be able to again run the full distance without stopping. I had the one run prior to the trip so I know it’s in me and hopeful I can summon that energy once more. I’m thankful that I’m continuing to have attention on my health and well being. Even though I’m far from perfect, I still have some motivation to push myself a little and am appreciative of that today.
6/14/22: Got back to a regular workday yesterday. Slow but felt good. The last few weeks have been a lot of juggling and forward looking and now I’m settling in for a stretch of ‘regular’, whatever that even means. Met with a few folks from the local DYS and felt like a productive meeting. One gentleman Ed has been very proactive and sent me several links to apply for support. I filled out one small grant for the Fall River rotary, asking for $1,750 to enroll a new student. Ed also does a ton of outreach with local kids re-entering the job market after DYS training and I expect we will see some applications from those kids. They don’t always feel as productive as the traditional parent/kid students but I’m glad to welcome some new students into the fold and see how it goes. I also met another pair of folks Leigh and Derek, who work in the DYS system and we talked about a possible Guitars Behind Bars project at the Taunton facility. I’d be super excited to try that out especially in my hometown and Derek actually works in the system directly. He told me they have studio gear on site but nobody to spend time teaching kids how to use and leading them. Fingers crossed something will come of that and thankful for the potential.
During the afternoon, Susie Cullen texted me asking if I wanted free tickets to Sammy Hagar at Great Woods. I said yes and Lisa and I went for a couple hours. She had a bunch of folks there so we hung out before the show and chatted. Some of the group are the people putting together her event that will benefit Rawkstars in July. I’m not expecting a windfall from that, but always flattered when people bring us into the fold and you never know what comes of those relationships. Sammy plays with Michael Anthony and Jason Bonham, so seeing 3 living legends on a Monday night was pretty fun. We didn’t stay til the end but caught plenty of VH, Montrose and Sammy solo classics and even a Zeppelin tune. Grateful for being asked to the event and appreciated the extra time to connect with Lisa.
6/12/22: Settled back in yesterday. Finished writing up the bio for the KoT guys, to go along with finishing the band pics I shot a while back. It was fun and I’m glad I was able to finally carve out time to complete it. I went over the top and tried to really personalize the copy, as well as leave some breadcrumbs that others might not notice, but have meaning for the guys. Grateful they asked for my input and creative energy. Taking the pics was especially fun and I hope to get the chance to do that again, for other bands.
We were supposed to head to the Liolios graduation festivities, but Dave called it off due to covid. I’m sure he was super bummed and planned to have a huge bash. We decided to spend the afternoon at the Bento’s pool, as Mikey came to town the night before. We headed over with Bella and Cam after dropping Q at subway for his shift. It was great seeing Mikey and he looks healthy and seemed like his old self. Always easy to connect with, we spent the afternoon shooting the shit, having some Town Spa and a couple beers. I brought some homemade food that I prepared beforehand so I didn’t overdo it on pizza. Always good to see the Bento’s as well and they seem like they are well also. Thankful for my family and to see Mikey after a few years. Also grateful for a pretty low key day with a small crew and for not overdoing it.
6/11/22: After all the hoopla about the show, I flew out to Orlando the next day for the service trip with the Hasbro team. I arrived on Tuesday evening and felt completely wiped out. I had been responding to messages and texts about the show almost nonstop. I did an interview for WBZ radio literally minutes before leaving the house for the airport. When I was waiting at the gate to board, I did another impromptu interview with a station in Providence that called me on the spot. Met several new folks at the hotel and also saw Nia and Jen Huggins, who I’ve been working with for a few years but never met in person. I was somewhat overwhelmed and really feeling run down and sick. I was genuinely worried that I hit a wall and was going to be in the hotel room for the entire trip sick as a dog. I took a few advil and some vitamin c before heading to bed and woke up in the night feeling a bit better. By morning, I was doing better still and couldn’t have been more thankful. Health is the #1 item by far, but we generally don’t give it enough attention until it’s suffering.
In any case, I was thrilled to be feeling ‘normal’ for the most part and we headed to the Special Olympics at ESPN to get our credentials, and assignments. I drove the whole week, and met some really cool work friends who I never knew previously. It was hot! Luckily for us, we got assigned to an indoor event, bocce. We had lunch and got some brief training, before joining the games. I started as scorekeeper and started to learn the ropes from one of the coaches. The teams were made up of one athlete and one able-bodied teammate. It was really sweet watching them and there was plenty of energy. I was mostly sitting and doing various tasks while getting to know various others who were there as part of the games. Eventually, someone asked for my help on another court so I moved over. They needed someone to push a wheelchair bound athlete back and forth each turn and as they changed sides between throws. I wound up staying with Brandon for a few hours and enjoyed it very much. I met his family and his dad had a Clutch hat on, which made us fast friends of course. Brandon was cool and we chatted about LSU, since he was from Louisiana. I enjoyed being part of the games so directly and moving around also helped keep me engaged. After a while, my hernia started bothering me but I had made it through the volunteer shift, so I was able to recover back at the hotel and regain my composure. This was kind of a pattern throughout the week.
Next day we left early for Give Kids the World. We had breakfast and setup a bunch of outdoor games for the families. I met some cool people from the village and it was nice to be there in person, after working so much with them these past couple years. Adrianne and Pam, the two folks I know very well were not there. They are part of a bus road trip that is visiting various states and will be in Rhode Island next week, so I’ll get to meet them there, strangely enough. Anyhow, the village is awesome and after a morning of running around, my hernia again began to ache. I had to sit a few times, but held on until we had an afternoon break. We went back to the hotel and I stayed in my room, allowing it to settle down. Again I recovered and felt good enough to return for the evening shift and am glad I did.
The night time event was Winter Wonderland which I had heard much about. It involved us setting up a ballroom filled with stations for the kids. Balloon artist, cookie decoration, games, photos, and a Santa greeting on the main stage. I was assigned to assist the families through the santa area to get in line. It turned out to be a great place since it was the most popular and I got to chat with many people who came through. The kids at the village come in all shapes and sizes. Some, you can hardly tell what their condition is. Others, it’s painfully obvious and many are confined to wheelchairs and have major struggles. That said, I was struck by the patience and grace of all the kids and families. They were all having a blast and nobody was complaining or sitting idly by. They were all highly engaged and having FUN. Of course you cannot help but think about how difficult it must be for the parents and kids to simply live a basic life. It reveals just how lucky we are to have healthy kids and a ‘normal’ life. I was struck specifically by the brothers and sisters of some of the wish kids. They were patient, helpful and seemed to genuinely be strong in the face of such adversity. It was really sweet to see and I was honored to be part of such an event.
For much of the week, I ate really well. Clean. Salads and chicken, no junk. On the last night, I fell off a bit and overdid it. I think I was celebrating the end of the trip and the idea of heading home the next day. Even after getting home, it continued like that. Noting it here to remind myself and be cognizant of that tendency. Really thrilled to be back home and sleep in my own bed last night. Seeing Lisa and Q was of course awesome and Bella is on an overnight at Cam’s cousin’s wedding. So grateful for all the new friends I made. For being able to support two incredible causes. For meeting beautiful new people and for being part of Hasbro, that not only supports those orgs financially, but invests in having its employees experience the power first hand.
6/7/22: KCS aired yesterday! It’s been an insane couple of weeks and the culmination of seeing the show felt good. Lisa invited some folks over the house. My mom and GiGi came. Alyssa and Abi were in town, so they also came down with Olga. Laurie Heaton and Lynne also came, as they had the day off work and of course, Bella and Quincy. It was fun to watch together in real time. I knew it was going to be heavily edited but it was still a bit shocking to see how it was put together and how little of our conversation was used. I wasn’t upset, just hopeful for more opportunity to say all the things I wanted to communicate. I suppose that’s a bit greedy, but I don’t feel it in an angry or wishful way, just something I’m noticing. I got a lot of texts and emails before and afterward, which was super nice of course. A few donations have trickled in, and my outreach the last few days resulted in some Fan Club members joining. I’ll probably try another post next week, once the energy from the show dies down and refocus on the students we have. I also got notes from two new parents looking for support. Grateful for all the love and positive energy coming Rawkstars’ way and for the personal notes of beauty so many have shared. I’m thankful for Lisa and the kids for supporting me during this and always. The Rawkstars bank account is flush and grown a solid amount over the last few years, even though we have more active students each month than we ever have. It’s a testament to the power of music and our org to change lives. I’m most grateful for all those who have been touched by our little charity and for those who we might still reach.
6/4/22: Sporadic posting lately, not totally sure why. Getting prepared for a work trip next week as our team and several others are headed down to Florida to volunteer at Special Olympics and GKTW. I’ve been working with Give Kids the World for a couple years and am super excited to visit in person finally. They are amazing and everyone raves about the facility. I know the people will be great but excited to see the operation up close and to meet some of the families first hand. Also looking forward to the SO trip and seeing those athletes on such a grand scale.
Hernia is causing me problems and got an appointment to visit my PCP, to at least get a referral, which is required to see any surgeon. Process is too slow and I should have dealt with this a long time back, Grateful to at least have step one scheduled and hopeful it can be a speedy path to getting it fixed and starting to recover.
Got most of the FRR team registered this past week and excited for the team we have. Awesome people and a wide range of ages. I have about 5 people asking for bibs that I cannot yet supply and have been trying to buy some more, but it’s challenging this year with very few sellers. I may have to cut the rest loose unfortunately, as they each represent $1,000 for the charity. Doing my best and thankful that we will have a great fundraising year, even if I cannot accommodate the extra folks.
KCS is airing Monday, so there has been some additional hoopla with that. People have reacted so positively and been so supportive. I’ve been trying to turn the publicity into Fan Club members, but haven’t had a ton of success. I have about 10 new subscriptions despite having reached out to about 75 people or so. I know there isn’t a close correlation to these stories and conversion, but I’ll take whatever I can get. Our finances are in better shape than ever, and we have two new kids ready to enroll. Glad I’m making some effort and for the folks who have responded especially.
5/29/22: Took the family to Bob’s Burgers movie yesterday at Patriot Place. Movie was fun and it was nice to hang out for a few hours together. While we walked around, we ran into Cassndra and David and later Jack Romeiro and his son. Was nice to see all of them and catch up a tiny bit. Thankful to have everyone together for a few days over the weekend, without anyone having to worry about work. Later in the evening we started watching Stranger Things together. Nice to have a few shows that we can all share as a family and enjoy together.
5/28/22: Went down to Ed’s place with Mike yesterday and hung out for a couple hours. I had been texting with Ed and I could tell he wasn’t in the best headspace, so I buzzed Mike and Kev and Mike was able to tag along. Hadn’t really spent a ton of time with Mike lately either. I usually see him at a gig or other event where there are lots of people, so it was nice to have the ride together also. He played me some of the KoT demos which sounded good, of course and I played him some of the new Matheos music and A-Z, since I know he loves Ray and Zonder both. Good time bonding over music with old friends and grateful that we’ve all been connected for such a long damn time.
Kids are all home and last night we watched the first couple episodes of Stranger Things, which launched this weekend. Always fun finding a show that we can all watch together and enjoy. Thankful they are still kinda innocent that way and that they enjoy being together in that way.
Got the initial registration link sent out to the Falmouth team. We have 15 people, most of whom have run with us in the past and it’s shaping up to be a cool group. Cathy Nolan’s mom is going to run with us, which I think is fabulous. Cathy is a cool chick and has a great energy about her and having her mom along feels right. I’m aiming to get everyone signed up this weekend, so I can cross that off my list. Still trying to buy a few extra bibs as Brian McGowan and his daughter want to run, as well as Steve Shipman’s son Liam. If I can score three more, that would give us 18 runners and probably put us over $20k in fundraising, which would be kind of incredible. Rawkstars is in such a great place financially, having one more large infusion of cash isn’t necessary, but would really put us in position to do some cool projects and bring our enrollment up.
5/26/22: Writing has been more sporadic lately as I feel like I’m still playing catch up on things at work and elsewhere. On a positive note, I had a great weigh-in yesterday and tipped at 249, the lowest I’ve touched in quite some time. The walking and movement have been helping and clean eating feels good too. My energy has been better and some of my clothes are starting to be ok again. Grateful for the progress I’m making and for the attention I’m putting into being the person I want to be.
Took the day off work today to try and check a few things off my todo list. Last night I mowed the lawn, which was way overdue. This morning, I formatted the email for the Falmouth Team to get everyone signed up and start the fundraising process. I also took time last night and this morning, to start putting together a communication to see about getting some new Rawkstars Fan Club members in the fold. Lastly, I dropped a note to Dave Y and John over at GBKF about everything that’s been happening. Would be simply amazing to secure another grant from them this year to continue the progress we’ve made. I’m planning to send a couple of notes out to individuals and see if we can make a push towards 250 and eventually 300 members, which was my ultimate goal when I started down this road. Grateful to be where I am regardless, and if we can get a bump from all this positive energy, even better. It will allow us to get to 30 kids, which would be absolutely incredible.
5/25/22: Worked on day #2 of the P/L session as described below. Really energetic sessions and I left buoyed. Met some really cool new people and brainstormed our way to a great output. Grateful to have the chance to do these things, be supported by my company and connect with new, smart and interesting people along the way.
Crossed a few things off my todo list after being out of work all last week. Also caught up on the photo editing task with KoT and delivered the final versions to their label. Sometimes, just making small progress feels good, especially when you feel a backlog of things building.
Continuing a solid stretch of mindful eating. Haven’t been moving as much since I returned from the trip, but prepping, bringing and eating my own food for breakfast/lunch each day to work has been a blessing. Thankful for Lisa’s help as she has been taking care of some of that for me, which really makes it much easier.
Got a few texts from Dolph last night about the video. Was the first time I connected with him directly since before I went away. Was really nice for him to reach out personally and made me feel like our connection is real. Planning to schedule lunch or coffee with him a few weeks down the road. Will be awesome to reconnect after we both get some distance. Thankful for his presence in my life and how it’s changed me.
5/24/22: Back at work yesterday. Participated in a workshop over at PeaceLove with folks from AWS, Amazon, Hasbro and P/L of course. Working on this game concept that came out of a GDOJ project that we ran. It’s really exciting and I genuinely believe the game has the chance to be impactful for P/L and for those who might play it. It’s designed to foster connection and improved mental health. Anyways, I joined the project team recently and connecting with new folks is always exciting for me. Grateful that my position allows me to be involved with exciting and inspiring work with smart people.
Band practice on Sunday was good. My chops were rusty, as happens regularly when we don’t rehearse enough. I developed a huge blister on my picking hand, which made me extra sloppy. That said, getting through it with that hindrance actually felt good and proved to myself that I could adapt in adverse conditions. We had a good band talk about adding a bunch of new music, with Lourenco’s van gig coming up in two months. I’m hopeful we can really generate some momentum here, and we also have our own gig booked at The Met with Blaster, from Hasbro. Not sure if that got lost in the shuffle below, but I’m excited to have that on the calendar also. It’s already shaping up to be a busy few months but I’m glad that music will be part of it for me.
5/21/22: Home. Feels great to be back as it always does when you travel. I got home around 10 and only Quincy was here. Lisa is still at Lake George and Bella is in Maine for Cam’s brother’s wedding. It was great to see him of course and settle back in. I slept like a baby and was out for almost 10 hours! Grateful for my home, family and my awesome bed!
So the show was surreal. I was really nervous, more than expected. Leading up to it I was secluded in a small dressing room, which didn’t help. I had a couple of zoom calls with Megan, the show producer. She told me my segment was ‘shrunk’ and there was only going to be 3 questions. I was kinda bummed as I had prepared for a ton of things and of course wanted to communicate everything. Anyways, the questions were fairly straightforward, but I was having a tough time feeling comfortable. She seemed to want me to highlight certain things, and keep it tight, which isn’t my forte. Anyways, I stewed for a while and finally started simply speaking out loud to myself in an attempt to ‘practice’ my responses. The time was going really slow and I was feeling like I was going to really struggle.
The reason my segment got smaller was they had another guest who wasn’t originally scheduled. It was the guy who hosts American Ninja Warrior. So he was out filming his piece with the Dixie Chicks and I was watching in my room with the sound off. Then, a photo of fucking James Hetfield comes on the monitor! I turn it up and they are talking about their childhood music heroes. I couldn’t believe it and had an urge to run out to the set and say about a million things. Of course I didn’t do that but I also kinda felt left out.
After another 30 minutes or so, they finally came in and had me sit for some basic makeup. Someone came in and steamed my clothes and complimented me on the outfit. I got dressed then shortly after, someone came to bring me to the stage. I should mention that while I was in the dressing room, I drank 3 bottles of water and peed at least 5 times. It became a running joke with the security guy in the hallway. My mouth felt dry and as mentioned I was nervous as hell.
When I was backstage, I really just focused in on the first two sentences I wanted to say. I figured if I could get those out slowly and smoothly, I would warm up. After they broke, I went out to the stage and saw the audience, set and the whole production. Something about that helped me relax. I then met Kelly and said hi to the Dixie Chicks who were also seated on the couch. Kelly seemed really cool and made me settle in quickly. We chatted briefly and she was swearing up a storm. I actually said to her that her swearing was helping me feel relaxed 🙂
When we came back from commercial, she gave me this amazing intro which felt surreal. Listening to her describe Rawkstars and me in that way hit me really hard. We soon dove in and she asked me the first question. I was ready with those first few sentences and once they came out smooth, I really felt ok. I gave my responses clearly, smoothly and felt natural. I tried to make eye contact with not only Kelly but The Chicks as well, as it made me feel like I was talking with a group of friends. At one point, when I was talking about the program I used a line that I had thought of a few days before, after listening to a Seth Godin podcast. I said performing music was essential because ‘It makes kids fall in love with who they already are’. I could feel myself choking up as the words came out and Kelly really responded to that line. She said something really nice and I got choked up. I regained myself fairly quickly and hope it came across natural and helped me to connect. We’ll see I suppose.
After some point she was riffing a bit on something else and I jumped in. I talked about authenticity and how I first learned about that concept for an artist through Metallica. I of course felt a surge of energy and went with it. I talked about seeing the back of Kill Em All for the first time and how it felt like I was looking at myself and my friends, instead of larger than life performers. I told the story of the tattoo on my hand and showed it to them all. They could tell how much I was feeling it and started a joke as if Metallica were backstage and about to come out. It felt so damn good, even though I know I was off script. I have no clue whether that will make it into the segment, but I hope it does because it felt so damn natural.
As the segment progressed, they introduced the kids down at TJ’s. I could then see them cut to that live shot and saw all the kids on the monitor. I saw Bella and Q right away and started identifying all the others one by one. A reporter was there with them and carrying the segment, introducing kids, TJ, the store and everything. It was crazy and I tried to connect with the kids over video. Seeing them on screen just made my heart melt and really focused on why I was there.
Kelly wrapped up the segment by giving $10,000 to Rawkstars, which was somewhat unexpected and certainly not promised beforehand. Of course the money is great but I felt almost nothing hearing about that, as I was still caught up in the moment of what was happening. The woman to my right said some really kind words about Rawkstars and thanked me for doing it, which I thought was sweet. We wrapped up and I shortly after went back to my dressing room. I got changed pretty quickly and they got me a car back to the hotel.
When I got back to the lobby the kids were already texting as was Lisa. We jumped on a Zoom and Lisa was with everyone at the Lake and B&Q were on their way to Tropical Smoothie with Brooke and Devyn. We talked for about 20 minutes and I excitedly told them as much as I could recall. I was super pumped up on adrenaline, because I felt so good about how it went and of course because it was finally finished. There was so much love coming my way and I was really glad to be able to share with others in that moment, after being basically alone for the prior several days.
I’m so very grateful for the whole experience. There were things that weren’t perfect and I have no idea what the segment will look like once edited. I’m sure I’ll think it’s too short and they may cut out the personal stuff I mentioned above. If so, it’ll be ok because I know it happened and that it felt amazing in the moment.
My hope is I can take some of this momentum and spin it into some new Fan Club members from the local community. I’m not really interested in a bunch of folks simply giving money and would rather grow our community with people I know. That’s what Rawkstars’ superpower has always been and this feels like a good chance to make a bump in our family. Getting to 300 would be absolutely immense and allow us to add several more kids and stories to keep us going for a long time.
Grateful. Blessed. Lucky. Honored.
5/19/22: Today is the day. I’m nervous, excited, confident and scared all at once. Trying to not think about this too much is nearly impossible. Took an early morning walk again and showered, shaved, got my clothes ready, etc. all in an attempt to distract my mind from racing. I think getting to the studio and actually starting will bring some relief and allow me to be in the moment. I know it will be over all too quickly and I don’t want to wish the time away. I need to focus on the concept of just telling the story simply, slowly and using all the stuff I already know instead of trying to ‘wow’ anyone with words of wisdom. Pausing to re-read that sentence again. Thankful for this opportunity and thankful for all the folks back home who helped make it so. TJ, all the moms and kids making the effort, Lisa, Bella, Quincy and all the people who have written, texted and otherwise supported Rawkstars and by extension, me.
Took a little run yesterday morning. Stopped a bit and shot a few videos for the Dolph intro bit. David edited that together for me and it looks great. Sad to miss that today but hopeful that the video moves him and all the folks who contributed. Met up with Zonder for breakfast at a place I walked to. Was nice to catch up with him and we always got along pretty well. In the afternoon I grabbed an Uber downtown. Needed to get out of this area and stay busy. I walked Sunset Strip and visited Rainbow Bar, to sit in the Lemmy spot. It’s a tradition and the place is such a monument to hard rock history, you can feel it dripping. Got a really nice salad/grain bowl and came back to the hotel to eat it. I answered some work stuff and took my mind off things. Afterward, I spent a few hours at the hotel pool, which is pretty decent. Later in the evening, I met up with Mick Stevens. He picked me up and we went into downtown Burbank, to break up the monotony of this spot. We went to a Cuban bakery called Porto, that I had actually visited several years ago when I came here for Hasbro. We then just walked around downtown and talked about music, life, family, etc. He’s a great guy and I appreciated his effort to come hang out with me. Settled back in my room early to get a good night sleep and here I am. Grateful for Mark and Mick for making time for me and for taking solid care of myself while I’m here.
5/18/22: Arrived in LA yesterday and thankful the travel was uneventful. Long day and after I settled into the hotel, I did a lot of walking. I’m staying adjacent to Universal Studios, so I spent a bunch of time exploring that area. Always weird traveling alone and I’m missing Lisa and the kids for sure. I had a good day of eating, having packed my own food for the day and stuck with eating that. In the evening, I parked myself at the NBC sports bar at the park and watched the Celtics game. Had 2 beers and ordered a salad for dinner. Still returning texts and emails with stuff for the show, but inching closer to the actual episode filming tomorrow. Whenever I travel, it’s a great reminder about how awesome my life is at home. I’m reminded about how comfortable our home is, how comfortable my job is and how great my family is. Thankful.
5/15/22: Been a hectic few days as things ramp up for the show. I had to figure out and get a PCR test for traveling. I’ve had a handful of calls, emails and texts with people from the show to tie up a million loose ends. I did a pre-interview with the lead show producer who was really cool. She described the process to me which made me more relaxed. I’m sure I will still be nervous but understanding the approach helped. I’m going to be on an all music episode with the Dixie Chicks or ‘The Chicks’ as they are now called. Sitting on a couch talking with a bunch of musicians is my gig so that also makes me feel confident. Still working out travel too, which I hope to confirm tomorrow. Lastly, I went clothes shopping. Ugh, I never enjoy that. Lisa came with me and I bought a few different outfit combos to try. I finally found a few things I liked and tried it all on after getting home. I feel better about it now and am thankful she helped me. I’m super aware of how lucky I am every day and thankful for all the supportive people in my life. And for the recognition Rawkstars is getting.
In the morning, we got out to the park for a run/walk with Lisa’s friend Laurie, who is doing Falmouth with us. I struggled with the heat and distance but completed another run. The process is a good learning experience for me. I’m doing my best to embrace the fact that I’m trying and making progress, even if it’s not as strong as I would like it to be. It’s a reminder that negative self-talk is holding me back and keeping me from realizing the beauty of what’s happening. I’m trying to improve in that area (negative self-talk) and get back to seeing myself as an athlete, someone who is trying hard and worthy of positivity.
5/12/22: Got the call yesterday from KC that the segment is a go. It’s been a hectic weeklong process, but feels like it’s really going to happen. She told me that one of the other team members would be in touch in the next 48 hours to fill in all the details and help arrange travel, etc. I don’t know if bringing the family is an option, what the exact schedule will be or really much else. I’m certain it’s going to be a whirlwind and take a lot of energy out of me, but I’m thankful for this unique opportunity. I’m already thinking about what I want to convey and trying to balance the preparation with not getting too hung up and simply being myself and flowing. That’s generally when I’m at my best, but it’s hard to not overthink regardless.
Got my butt in the gym again and had another day of prepping and eating my own food. Feeling a nice change in just a few days and it’s a good reminder that you’re only ever one meal away from being a healthy eater. I’m most grateful for these small changes to my daily habit and doing all I can to pay attention to them closely and embrace the feeling.
I had another job interview for a really incredible organization called Artists For Humanity. It’s for their new Executive Director and I’m definitely punching above my weight here. That said, they have a search firm involved and they reached out to me, based on my application and LinkedIn profile. It’s amazing to me that an org this large and doing such great things has someone like me on their radar. I don’t expect I’ll be qualified for the gig ultimately, but I felt very comfortable speaker with the recruiter, who was very buttoned up and on point. I also wanted to try speaking with someone from one of these executive search firms, so that was cool too. This process of shining up my profile and poking around has been beneficial. I don’t know if it will ultimately result in me actually taking a new position, but I feel like I’m learning a lot through the process. Somehow just knowing I have options and am qualified for lots of amazing roles is a beautiful thing. I don’t take it for granted and am thankful for all I have in my life.
5/11/22: Hectic but productive day yesterday at work. Continuing to make progress on the Dolph events overall with the goal of finishing the video for Thursday. I also got 2 calls from Michelle at Kelly Clarkson. That continues to be a thing and I’m dying to get an answer. It’s getting more complex as they want to have a visual of live kids at the music store to cut to during the segment. I can try to make it happen but it won’t be a slam dunk. It’s going to shoot during the day, so there is school to contend with and the parents’ schedule of course. I’m hoping Michelle will help me make phone calls and I know her position will have an effect on people wanting to help, as it has done with me. It also sounds like the likely filming day will be next Thursday, the same day as the Dolph VIP event :/ — it will be a huge bummer to not attend that in person, but I’ll put together a recorded intro and that will probably have to suffice. If I don’t get the segment, it will cushion the blow in that I’ll be able to attend in person. These are all positive things but it’s making my daily life even more filled.
I met an old Hasbro person named Karen Rowland for coffee yesterday morning. I didn’t really know her at work, but she reached out to me via LinkedIn. She was awesome and I was so flattered by her comments. She listened to my podcast with Dino and took a bunch of notes about things I had said, which she brought with her. We have a lot in common and I’m so thankful we are now friends.
After work, I visited Glen and Elissa Rice. Glen had buzzed me a few times about picking up a bass cabinet he had at the house. I don’t have an immediate use, but I love those guys to death so I wanted to take them up on the generous offer. It was nice to sit and visit a while. Typically, when we see one another, it’s at a Rawkstars event or a concert. Those are great for seeing lots of people, but not so great for real connection. We caught up about the kids, life, etc. and I left feeling blessed. Grateful to have people like them in my life and so many that I’ve been connected with for multiple decades.
5/10/22: Recapping the gym from yesterday and a great day overall. It felt good to come into the building and break my morning routine of simply sitting around in the living room waiting to work. Getting outside and some fresh air was nice, as was the calm of the building that early. I did a simple circuit of the available machines and didn’t kill myself, but noticed it. I also took some time to start setting up my official work area, instead of squatting all day by Starbucks and Main Street. I have a ways to go with the desk, but am chipping away slowly. I like having my screens and look forward to decorating the cube at some point soon.
I also brought my own breakfast and lunch, which were both awesome. I felt satisfied after eating a proper amount. It’s good to actually notice that eating less food should be doable. Aiming to make a habit of that to reinforce the clean eating that I want to make a practice of. I prepared lunch for the next few days by cutting up a salad and taking some proteins from the fridge in advance. I grabbed myself a nice Hasbro lunch tote from the pile of free stuff and have used it the last few days already. Digging the vibe and grateful for a short but impactful stretch on my journey to improved health.
5/9/22: Mother’s Day yesterday. It was pretty quiet at home since Bella was at Cam’s graduation day and Quincy had to work. I gave Lisa an Apple Watch, to piggyback on her new S/E iPhone. I think she’ll enjoy it once she gets used to it and Q helps her set it up, etc. In the afternoon we headed to the Bento’s place and spent a couple hours there. We had lunch of course and got to see Mrs. B. They have Maria living there again as she continues to suffer from Lupus and related health issues. They’re always the first to extend a hand to everyone, even when it makes it harder for them. Grateful for in-laws who set such a great example. I’m thankful for all the little and big things that Lisa does to keep the family going. She’s the glue of the household and sometimes her contributions go unnoticed.
I got myself to the gym today which I am most thankful for. It’s been an extra tough stretch and I am feeling a bit near rock bottom. I’m at the point where simply moving is difficult. None of my clothes fit and I dislike the way I look and feel. I took time last night to boil some eggs and am preparing myself to embark on a clean eating routine. I want to try and really change the intake of my food, as it’s been really poor lately and I cannot continue on this path if I expect to remain upright. I took advantage of the gym facility today and I am thankful for the motivation and opportunity to change things around, starting with now.
5/7/22: Attended the City Year gala in Providence last night. Kevin, Donna, Michelle and Sue were there from Hasbro and it was the first time Lisa got to meet some of my work crew. It was a great event and we had fun. Super cool venue downtown called Waterfire Center with a rooftop bar, dinner, drinks and after-party. I felt kinda inspired to start considering the Rawkstars 20th event for next year. I’d love to do something more upscale than past events and not continue to repeat myself. Not sure how all of our crowd would receive it but I have an inkling it would go well. We’d need some kind of music component of course, and I’m wondering if I could get someone really special to play. I want to let go of the money aspect a bit and cut loose in the name of the charity for once. We’ve got a ways to go but I know time will pass quickly. I donated $250 to the cause during the auction portion. When we got home, Quincy gave us a card from the Strawbridge family. They sent a nice note about our dinner last weekend and included a check for Rawkstars in the sum of, you guessed it, $250. The universe speaks. Grateful to be part of the Hasbro team, supporting such cool causes. Grateful for my work family, who are such nice people and enjoyable inside and outside of the office. Grateful we can afford to donate to a charity I don’t know much about and grateful that others are moved by Rawkstars enough to pass the ideal along.
5/4/22: Had a follow up from the KC producer woman yesterday. I created and sent her my video, which was hard to put together. I felt self-conscious and never got a take that I was 100% psyched about. Still, I was glad to record it and it can only help me down the road to hone my schpiel. I also sent some other Rawkstars materials, videos and posts to describe some of our other activities as she had requested. I feel slightly more excited about it than I probably should be. I think something about KC being a music person makes me feel like it’s more important than some random news person or other celebrity. Fingers crossed that I can continue to spread the Rawkstars gospel to others outside my circle.
Bella moved home yesterday after finishing her junior year at Assumption. I was greeted by her mini-fridge in the foyer when I got home from work 🙂 — so nice to have her back and she’s finishing up a few more weeks at Subway, training the new manager. After that she has Cam’s brother’s wedding and then starts the internship the following Monday. It’ll be nice to have her around for the next few months and see how things go with her new job/life. It’s an exciting time and I’m thankful to be able to have more time together as a family.
5/3/22: Got a random email yesterday from a producer with the Kelly Clarkson show about doing a piece on Rawkstars! I responded and quickly connected with the woman who contacted me. She was really nice and seemed genuinely interested in our programs. She did some homework and I could tell she seemed to know a bit about us, and it was great to be able to speak candidly about our work. She followed up with me quickly asking for some pics. The next step is to create a selfie video, so they can see me visually and feel the energy. I’m cautiously optimistic about it and securing a spot on the show would be immensely cool for Rawkstars. Trying not to get too excited until I hear about next steps, but grateful to have us get some notice.
5/2/22: Active weekend. After running Friday, Lisa and I got our moving clothes on Saturday. We took a couch, recliner and table out of UB’s apartment and delivered them to Randy’s place. It was a pretty big deal with just the two of us, but we got it done. Lisa was a trooper and I was impressed with her ability to lug that couch around with me. It was heavy and awkward and I can’t imagine many other wives being able to handle that or even being willing to try. We talked with the old birds at Presbrey for a while. They are all so nice and sweet. Ben was lucky to have landed in that place and to have them take care of him these last several years. We left behind a few things and some of them took items or helped others by giving them away. I was worried about getting the furniture into Randy’s place, but we managed to do so. It’s an upgrade over what he had for sure, and I’m glad we were able to make things slightly better at his apartment. We paid for the truck and brought his old couch back here to dispose of it so he wouldn’t have to pay. Grateful we have the ability to help on the financial side as well as the physical side.
Yesterday was really nice on the weather front. It was warm and hovered around 70. I had gotten a mulch delivery the day before so I committed to working in the yard for as long as I could handle it. I cut away the edges of our island to clean up the grass which had grown over into the island. After getting a few barrels of that cleared, I spread some more weed barrier. It only works temporarily, in my experience, but it should improve the weed situation for a while. I covered about half of the space and anchored it down with staples. Then I spread at least half the mulch and raked it out. That took me about 3 hours and I was completely wiped out afterward. My body is struggling to keep up, and in the immediate aftermath, I was really beating myself up emotionally. I rebounded after a bit of time and felt better later in the afternoon. Grateful that I can still work hard, even if it’s not for as long as I used to. Grateful to make the yard look better, even if it’s far from perfect. Grateful I can recognize when I’m beating myself up, even if I can’t fully stop doing so.
4/30/22: Ran nearly 3 miles yesterday. Set off to do the Post Office loop, which is about 3.1. Got all the way back to the pizza place, then needed to walk the last uphill. Lisa ran with me. Once we got up the hill, I started to jog again and made it back to the house. It was 2.88 of running and another 5 minute walk. I was proud of myself, but I continue to be horrified at how difficult 5k is and the thought of FRR is looming. I know that’s the exact wrong way to approach it but I can’t help it. I’m thankful I got off my ass to run. I’m thankful for getting nearly 3 miles. I’m thankful Lisa ran with me. And I’m thankful I survived.
I started working through the pics I snapped for the band and was pretty happy with the work. I edited about 6 of them and shared with Kevin, who really seemed to like them. I then shared with the other guys and got lots of good feedback. I’m going to work on a second round, now that I have a bit more direction on what they liked best and will send over Monday or so. They also asked me to write their bio. I’m a bit overwhelmed lately to be honest, but am flattered to be asked. I don’t think it will take me too much time, and I will take a crack at it. Grateful to have others think my photos and writing are good enough to be asking for my services. Grateful to have opportunity to do these things, especially through the lens of music.
We went out with ‘the four families’ last night for dinner. Q had planned the whole thing for us to connect with Ryan, Jack and Cam’s families from the track team. He’s close with all those guys and Ryan/Jack especially are responsible for him taking to running so strongly once he joined. Strawbridge is kind of his idol and he is the oldest. He’s graduating this year and going to college. I’m pretty sure he took Q under his wing a bit when he started and showed him it was ok to be slow and still get respect from the older kids. They work together at Subway also. He’s an awesome kid and his parents were super cool also. Jack did the artwork for Q’s two records and is one year older. He’s another really nice kid and also a stronger runner than Q. He’s already scouting colleges even though he has another year of HS. His folks are also quite cool and they have taken Q to a few concerts, including some Wu Tang type rap shows. Lastly is Cam, who is younger than Quincy. He came on the team last year and is super fast. I don’t know much about him, but he’s become part of their crew. His folks also seemed nice. The 8 of us sat at one table and talked the whole time. We went to the Portuguese place in Fall River, which Q picked. Everyone seemed to enjoy it and followed our lead when ordering the steak plate. We had plenty of laughs and we got to tell one another how much the kids meant to each other. It was really sweet and I think Q was happy with the outcome. So very thankful for those kids being such a great influence on Q. Cross Country and track really changed his life, in ways we are so grateful for. I’m sure we will meet up with the parents again as we seemed to hit it off well. I’m also thankful for being resourceful enough to cover the check. I wanted to do that and feel good about being secure enough financially to treat others to a joyful evening.
4/29/22: Visited Massimoto yesterday to start editing video #2 for Dolph. Got a nice edit of the music bed and marked up some of the family interviews. I’m a bit overwhelmed with all the footage and figuring out the best arc for the piece. I’m sure it will come together, but left a bit frustrated. While I was there I asked about renting a camera, as Mike/Kevin asked me to take pics of their new band. I scheduled with them for a local site I scoped out down in The Weir and we were set for last night. The evening before, I went to charge my battery and ensure my camera was ready and it wouldn’t power up?! Horrible timing. Being in Providence for the day, I thought about renting a camera from Hunt’s, which is a local camera shop. I asked John about it and he said fuck that, I’ll give you one. He hooked me up with an amazing Sony &s, which is beyond my skill level. I was a bit nervous using it, but spent about an hour shooting in 4 or 5 spots I had scoped out. Dumped the pics off last night after getting home and they look pretty solid. I need to spend some editing time but feel confident I can deliver a handful that they will dig. I was really thankful to be asked. I’ve wanted to shoot band pics for a few years now and never had a real opportunity. It’s something I’d like to do more of and gives me an outlet to be a little creative and learn a bit more about photography. Meeting up with those guys was also nice. I don’t see Munro or Stu very often and we’ve got plenty of history together, especially me and Mike. Of course we had some laughs and I know processing the photos is going to be a lot of fun.
One thing that was weird is that I have a lingering feeling of being ‘left out’. That probably sounds weird since they asked me along to take pics, but it’s hard to describe. I think it’s more about finding connection with people and spending quality time together more than it’s about anything specific to that situation or those guys. I’m not sure where that comes from, probably insecurity on my side and the lack of feeling like I have super close friends with things to bond over. Seemed like I needed to write it here and acknowledge it. I’m genuinely happy for those guys and am certain they will write a great record. They are a million times ahead of me on a musical level, so participating in that way isn’t what I’m describing here as a void.
Grateful to continue the journey of self-awareness, to have long-time friends that I care about and for the chance to push myself to develop new skills.
4/28/22: Finally got the courage to put myself on the scale. 253. Not as bad/high as I expected/feel. In the ballpark of where I was just prior to the D.R. trip. I think it was positive, and getting myself slightly on course this week has helped surely. Getting some traction on the team for Falmouth and I believe we are up to 10 runners. In addition to me, Q and Lisa and Cid, we confirmed with Donna, Jamie, Shipman, Laurie Heaton, Laura Branco and I believe my friend Matt who runs the kitchen at Hasbro. Q is still talking about Seth and maybe Daris running, so we are getting close to a full squad. I’m thankful that is coming together and I’m far less concerned about the fundraising aspect of the race than I would have been in prior years. Of course I want to make a profit and that’s all but assured. I’m mostly concerned with my own ability to run the race but I’m fortunate to have a bit of time on my side to work hard and ensure that happens. I’m thankful these people are passionate about running and Rawkstars to join up. It will leave us in a great place to end the year with a nice deposit in our bank account and to promote the cause as well.
4/27/22: Dino finally published the podcast we recorded a while back. He put it up Monday and mentioned it on social yesterday. It was a weird experience listening to myself. My inner critic wanted to re-do about half of my responses. That said, I was proud of it and am glad to have taken the leap. I learned a few things and am better for the experience. I put it up on my LinkedIn page and got a few nice comments and a message from a local PVD woman who used to be at Hasbro. I’m going to meet her next week as well. Lesson is to always embrace new things and making myself uncomfortable. That’s where all the learning happens. Thankful to Dino for thinking of me and giving me such a wonderful opportunity.
Quincy ran and had the first home meet for Taunton. He participated in the 2 mile race, which I believe was his first try at that. He ran strong, even though that is a really long distance for him, competition wise. Proud of him and always enjoy seeing him in the mix with the other kids and parents.
4/26/22: Yesterday was a success. I ran one mile again, maintaining my consistency. Although I ate poorly most of last week, I managed to run 3x and walk 3x in the last 8 days. Grateful for continuing to push, even when the results aren’t obvious.
We hosted pasta night for the track team after work. Q had about 24 of the kids over the house. Lisa cooked all day of course, and she loved every minute of it. Quincy was proud to be hosting and have the kids in our space. They are all amazing as mentioned several times, so it was a genuine pleasure for us. I’m super thankful for his commitment to the team, being seen as a leader and for our collective joy in simply living life each day.
4/25/22: Got a little more outdoor / yard time in yesterday and continued with my trimming back of the brush. Band practice was cancelled as Paul has been sick. I was pretty bummed, not because he had to cancel, but because of our inability to get much momentum. With the reschedule, we aren’t going to be able to jam again for a month. Everyone has family stuff of course, but Chuck, Crissy and Paul also have other bands to contend with. Lisa does too, but she generally only rehearses on Wednesdays, which isn’t a big hurdle for us. Anyways, I stewed about it a bit, but realized what was going on, allowed myself to feel those emotions, but didn’t get too hung up on it. At the end of the day, I love playing with those guys and don’t really have the desire/energy to try another path, with different people. I’m hopeful to book a gig or two which I know will accelerate our practice schedule and the commitment everyone has.
After the morning, we dropped Q at work and went to Borderland Park for another walk. It was nice to go someplace different and I ran into Matt Orsi, from Hasbro. Great guy and it was cool to see him outside the office for a few minutes. We walked the pond trail, which was about 2.5 miles. That’s 3 consecutive days I walked and two other days I ran 1 mile this past week. My eating was bad enough that I’m not feeling the effects as strongly as I should, but nonetheless I’m glad to be moving more. It’s been a hard few days really feeling bad about myself and my body and my struggle with food. Grateful that I was able to get some movement in, and perhaps I can have a better week and combine that movement with solid eating and make some better progress.
4/24/22: Took another walk around Massasoit yesterday. Weather was nice again, though not quite as warm as Friday. It’s hovering in the mid 60’s but has featured a lot of sunshine, which helps make it feel nicer out. Really feeling the effects of my poor eating these last couple weeks and struggling to shake off the negativity that comes along with it. Was glad to get my ass in gear and move around and get fresh air. I also did a little bit of yard work, which left me breathing heavy but feeling good. I did some moderate raking to clear the fallen branches from in front of the shed. I also did a lot of cutting of the brush out back from the shed over to about halfway around the patio. I sprayed what weed killer we had left on the patio also and I filled the bird feeders. Afterward, I sat outside and felt the sun on my face for about 20 minutes in the quiet. Grateful for all that and for doing a bit of honest work. In the afternoon I got in a touch of music practice and my hands continue to feel relatively strong, after the last couple weeks of rehearsing. We are jamming today and supposed to tackle Out In The Fields. Curious to see how it goes and if anyone else spent time with it. I’m looking forward to playing and keeping the momentum of new songs entering the list.
Called GiGi last night as I picked up Q at Subway. She sounded really good actually, and was a bit livlier than the last few times we spoke. She wasn’t lamenting anything with Ben’s passing other than my mom having to clean out his apartment. I’m glad it hasn’t dragged her down and that she bounced back so quickly, though I’ll never be surprised by her strength, resilience and steadfastness. Grateful for having her in our lives.
4/23/22: Went out to Kleo’s with Lisa last night. Always a great meal and hang over there. We had a few drinks at The Eddy before, which is another spot we really like stopping at. Weather was really nice so we walked earlier in the afternoon at Massasoit. Felt nice being outside and mostly warm. Afterward we connected with Paul & Donna for the first time since they moved to NH. They still have their lake house so Paul texted me saying they were in town. Dave was over also so the 5 of us hung out for a couple hours and had some laughs of course. Great to see them and glad that Paul reached out. We have a long history with both of them and I’m grateful for our friendship over the years.
4/22/22: Video played at State of Company meeting yesterday and was really well received. Dolph was definitely taken aback by the piece as well as the comments and ovations he got during the meeting. Was nice to see the reaction and a few folks reached out and said how much they enjoyed it. I wrote him a note afterward with a link so he could re-watch and he sent me back a predictably heartfelt email. Grateful I got to work on that project and make so many people feel something in their chest. That’s what gives me the most sense of purpose and I’m lucky to get that feeling semi-regularly.
4/21/22: Connected with lots of folks at work yesterday as they are trying to get people back into the office nowadays. We’re running a hybrid setup with a few days per week in person. Really nice seeing some old faces and reconnecting with a bit of energy, instead of online. Turned in my video for the company meeting today and looking forward to seeing the impact. I also interviewed Dolph’s sister and father yesterday which was really cool. Continuing to be deep in these productions and grateful about being involved so heavily.
Q had some of the track crew over last night. He and Lisa got the yard setup with the chairs, cushions and lights after a long winter. I also started the first fire of the year for him. The wood was nice and dry after being covered for a few months and it felt good to get it all together. Thankful he’s developed such good friendships with that group of kids. They’re all super nice and a great influence on him overall.
Got my second mile run in after work and it felt good to have even the slightest of patterns. I ate terribly afterward, as Q’s party brought a bunch of junk and pizza into the house, which I couldn’t resist unfortunately. Today is a new day and I’m thankful to simply be alive and have another chance at taking better care of myself.
4/20/22: Had a second interview with Waters for the Social Impact & Philanthropy Director gig. I think it went really well, but also helped solidify for me that I don’t really expect to take the job, should I get that far. It’s been a great learning exercise for me, both in practice and concept. In practice, I’m more comfortable talking about myself through this lens and bringing value to the conversation. In concept it’s helping me see more clearly what I enjoy and what I might not enjoy. And probably more importantly, why. I know I have a great gig at Hasbro and I won’t walk away from it unless I feel really strongly that there’s a genuine reason, beyond money and title. I do feel attracted to those things, but I believe it’s mostly because I want to be viewed through that lens by others and probably even by myself. Knowing that is valuable and awesome. Grateful for the self-awareness and also for the thought that another company already sees me that way, even if it’s not mine.
4/19/22: Did a 1 mile run yesterday outside. Decided I need to get back in the saddle and need to increase my regularity/consistency. Nothing fancy, just strapped up and went to the corner store and back. Aiming to try and make more of a pattern, even if the distance is short. Grateful my body is still holding up, even if it’s not perfect.
Got the last shoot of Dolph video #1 completed last night. I drove to NPA to shoot in person with Naj. She’s a cool lady and I’m thankful to connect with her, even in short chunks. I think I got something really cool to close the video, and today will be spent marking and making those last edits to see where we land. It’s been great working on this for the last few weeks and Thursday is scheduled to be the reveal for this first ‘corporate’ cut. Hoping it goes over well and I can take a deep breath and move onto #2 in short order.
Bella gave her notice at Subway yesterday. I haven’t been able to talk with her, but we texted last night. I’m super proud of her. Not only did she stick with her very first HS job for 5+ years, she was a model employee and learned a ton. I know it was hard as hell for her to make the decision to leave, but it’s overdue for her to move on, imo. I want to see her focus in on her chemistry studies, internship and make her last year of college count. I also want her to relax a bit and have fun! She’s spent too much energy taking care of Subway these last few years and the investment has run its course. Grateful to have such an amazing daughter who is well rounded, hard working and special.
4/18/22: Easter Sunday yesterday at The Bento’s. Small crowd. Bella and Cam stayed with his folks instead of coming down to Stoughton. Nobody else came over except Jim, Rob’s co-worker. So it was basically 3 of us and Rob’s crew of 5. No matter, we enjoyed the day and of course a great meal. It was fairly nice out though not as warm as I’d like. We sat outside for a bit and talked which was nice. We also caught parts of the Celtics first playoff game, which they won in the final seconds. Kids all seem good and it’s nice now that they are all grown up and relaxed. Bento’s are doing well and it’s always a pleasure to spend a few hours with them. Thankful for family, food and being around to enjoy another day.
4/17/22: Went to see Bonnie Raitt last night. It was at Casino Ballroom which is a cool room, but a long drive. We took off early and stopped in downtown Newburyport. We walked around a bit but it got cold and started raining a bit so we ducked into a bar for a drink. We found a cool spot and talked for a while. We then walked over to the restaurant I had made reservations at and got a bit wet. It was a decent place and we had oysters and some other nice apps. Spent about an hour there then drove to the venue about 20 minutes away. Got there after the opening band finished (my specialty) and found our seats. We didn’t actually wind up sitting, as we found some standing room spots in the corner which felt good. Drive home was hairy as it was raining and dark and I was tired. Made it back in one piece. Lisa actually cried when she played Angel From Montgomery, which was the money shot we went for. Grateful to get to see amazing gigs and to bond with Lisa over music. I know many spouses don’t get that kind of energy from such a common thread but I’m glad that we share it.
4/16/22: Had a recruiter call me from a local company hiring for a Director of Social Impact. It’s the second resume I sent out for this job title and both called back. Our conversation went well and they already called back to have me meet the supervisor for the role early next week. I’ve got a lot of soul searching to do but am grateful that I’m in position to have opportunity. I know many aren’t as lucky and regardless of whether I get an offer, accept or just keep the really great job I already have, I’m fortunate and will keep that in mind.
Had dinner with the kids last night. First time all together in a while. We went to the new Mexican place around the corner. Typical Taunton restaurant, nothing special. Still it was nice to be together for a meal. Thankful that I can afford to take the family out and that the kids are still interested in hanging with us.
4/15/22: Spent yesterday at Massimoto Studios cutting a draft edit for the first Dolph video with David. Awesome progress and I feel much better about having something done for next week than when we started. It was also really great working so closely with David. He’s a good guy and a solid editor. We developed a quick chemistry and bonded over lots of things during the day. Always enjoy getting to spend time doing something creative, especially with an awesome partner involved. I’m grateful my job allows me this freedom and that I crossed paths with someone as cool as David.
4/13/22: UB’s funeral was yesterday. It poured. Fitting in that it was forecasted to be 75 and sunny. The service was nice enough and a few unexpected folks came out for him, or at least for my mom, which is cool. It lasted about 30 minutes and at one point the Rabbi asked people to share and it was crickets. After a pregnant pause, cousin Steve stepped up and said something about when they were kids, which was really cool. Guy is a class act and I’ve enjoyed getting to know him a bit in the last year. After he finished I jumped in and said a few words. I didn’t have anything prepared but basically talked about his fondness for Nana and Papa as well as his support of Rawkstars.
Afterward, we drove back to my mom’s for a little hang and some food. I met cousin Mike, who seemed nice as well as a few other people from Dick’s side. Predictably, he was his usual clueless self. He didn’t seem to do anything to comfort my mom or be gracious to any of the guests that I could tell. It felt good to meet some new people and reconnect with a few others. Jeff and Michelle were there and I hadn’t seen them in several years. Good people and easy to talk with. I think my mom was relieved when it was winding down. I also gave her the check to cover the $10k funeral expenses and I’m sure that relieved her.
Bella came down from school for an hour, which was sweet. Quincy had a track meet and since he has missed so many this year, we told him to go there instead. He said his goodbye to Ben at the hospital and as it turned out, he had his best run of the year. He PR’ed the mile at 5:17, beating his prior PR by nearly 20 seconds. So proud of both the kids and thankful they got to know UB in all his craziness these last bunch of years. Also thankful my mom is off the ledge and can get passed this whole situation finally.
4/11/22: Great band practice yesterday. Finally feel like we are getting some momentum back, having rehearsed about 4x in the last 2 months. I’m again finally back to the point of ‘feeling’ the songs instead of trying to remember how to play them. Makes such a difference to the sound in the room when everyone is listening to each other instead of focusing on their parts. I’m hopeful we can get a gig or two on the books to help keep us motivated. We added Hell Is For Children back into the set and got through it pretty easily. Next up is Out In The Fields, which of course I will be pumped to play. I want to get some more recognizable songs going too, so we can do gigs where people get excited about specific songs, instead of being self-indulgent with the choices. I think that’s an important element for us to consider and I want it to be reflected in our set choices in the coming months. Always grateful for the role of music in my life, especially on the playing side lately.
My mom seems to be relieved after Ben’s passing. I’ve been talking with her nearly every day and I could tell yesterday that she was needing to vent a bit. She had visited the funeral home and of course the money got her fired up, especially considering Ben’s history on that subject. She told me she needed $9,200 to cover his final expenses and I told her I would give her a check for that amount. We were caretakers of some cash GiGi had several years ago, which they wanted to hide from prying eyes, when Randy was undergoing legal issues. We’ve given back some for various situations over the years but I had been holding out hope the money wouldn’t be needed and we could use it to bolster the kids’ college accounts. It would have been nice for the hard work of my grandparents to trickle down to the kids, but alas, I’m not surprised that it won’t. Anyways, I’m grateful that we had the money on hand and can repay my mom by taking her off the hook for the expense.
4/10/22: Went to see GiGi yesterday afternoon, to check on her after Ben passed. She was doing ok. She is the model of consistency and ease. I know she’s upset, mainly at having lived so long that everyone she knew is gone. She wasn’t crying or dramatic in any way. Steady Eddie, as they say. It was nice to see her and bring a tiny bit of comfort to her. I’m sure next week will have some of these moments as we prepare for a funeral, etc. Thankful for being able to be present for my mom and Gigi, even just in small ways.
Bought new phones for Lisa and Bella yesterday. Q bought his own iPhone SE a few days ago, as I had been researching how to upgrade everyone’s device. I’m thankful to have the resources to get everyone a new phone and especially the kids, who really enjoy and rely on having the latest technology. Stuff is expensive and it’s nice to be able to support them without worrying much about the cost.
Hung out with Redd last night over at Dave’s house. He came down from NH for the day so Dave invited over some ppl. We stopped by for a few hours and it was nice to catch up with him and others. Usual suspects were there, Rick, Arthur and Donald plus their better halves. Cid of course and Noah, Sammi and their friends. Good to connect with some folks in a smaller setting and I was grateful to see old friends.
4/9/22: UB passed away yesterday. It’s been a rough couple days for my mom. He’s been in ICU for 3 full weeks, basically unresponsive the whole time. He was intubated and at points unable to breathe on his own. They’re not really sure what actually happened to him, but he initially came in with pneumonia. He was already in a super weakened state, after several other health maladies over the last years. He was always up/down, mostly down and never did much to care for himself.
Ben was a good guy at heart. He definitely loved his parents and family, though he often treated them badly. He spent his life in and out of jobs, never married, living mostly with my grandparents until well into adulthood. He did some cool things for me when I was a kid, especially after my folks got divorced. He took us to the wrestling matches at the old Boston Garden, as he knew I loved that. He always had extra tickets and let me bring friends and never took any money. I can remember him having us sneak in nips of vodka, since young kids wouldn’t get searched at the entrance. Afterward he would take us to various bars that he frequented, including at least one in the combat zone, which used to be a rough area of Boston with strip clubs, etc. Also Shenanigan’s, which was a pub down in Canton that he would hang out in. He’d give us a roll of quarters so we could play video games, while he sat at the bar and drank Stolichnaya and smoked with his friends.
He was always colorful. He had a big mouth and got fired from pretty much every job he ever had. He got parking and speeding tickets like they were candy. He had a huge drug problem at one point and did a few stints in rehab. During one of them, he was at a place in Quincy, where Lisa and I were living at the time. He started calling us to bring him all sorts of things, as being pushy and needy was one of his calling cards. At one point I refused to bring him smokes or some such thing, and he didn’t speak to me for several years.
I moved him several times, as he bounced around between apartments and staying with his friend Sal on the north shore. When he eventually landed at a sober house in Taunton and then a senior housing facility, Lisa helped him the most. She would take him shopping every week and to various doctor appointments. He took advantage to be sure, but he was always grateful and appreciated her more than he let on.
Despite all that, I loved him. He was a royal pain in the ass to be sure. He was the main source of levity and interest at every family gathering. Our family dynamic is odd to say the least, but he always managed to make us laugh with some sort of off-color joke or under his breath comment about someone in the room. The kids grew fond of him, as they knew he was always unpredictable and weird.
We’re left with a bunch of memories of him, mostly being difficult or angry with people. We’ve gotten tons of laughs, by him and about him, which is kind of fitting in hindsight.
I’ve tried to be supportive of my mom through the process. She was left holding the bag as his health proxy, again fitting, considering how much burden he put on her when he was alive. I know she also loved him and it was super hard for her to be the decision maker in regards to his end of life wishes. I’m thankful that I had Ben in my life and that the kids got to know his craziness. I’m grateful that I’m able to be here for my mom a little bit and help her through a difficult time. I’m glad that I can recall some times when Ben was younger and made me feel good. I needed that for sure and I’m certain the kindness he showed grew in me in ways I can’t pinpoint, to make me who I am today.
RIP UB.
4/7/22: Spent the afternoon interviewing people for the Dolph video. A true pleasure for me. I got to sit and connect deeply with several people who have a long history and respect for the guy who helped change my life. I had Deb Thomas and Kathrin come and speak. I think they are both amazing women and and grateful for my relationship with both. I also had some Hasbro alums like John Frascotti, Steve Edwards and Chris Johnston come to the office and speak. I knew John a bit and he is a great guy. Chris and Steve had left the company before I started so it was cool to meet them, Turns out Steve is the father of Mac Edwards, who I think the world of and have known for a few years at Hasbro. All of them were super thankful to be participating in the video and I can’t express enough my honor for putting this together. The interviews were great and I also got to connect with John Papa, Steph and Renan for much of the day on the production side. All cool people and spending time with them was a real treat. Great reminder about how much fun my job can be and how blessed I am.
4/6/22: Went to Q’s first spring track meet yesterday. Was really cool to see him in action again. The team is thin this round, as several kids are doing other sports. That said, it felt nice to be outside and to watch him with his crew. He ran the 800m, which is a new event. He did well @ 2:21, and pushed himself hard at the end to keep from being passed by Seth. Love seeing him compete and make himself work hard and always a great bunch of kids.
4/4/22: Had an interview with Alan Hassenfeld, from the Hasbro original family yesterday as part of the Dolph project I’m putting together. Such a cool guy. He’s been in Europe for a month working on matching contributions to his million dollar pledge for Ukraine. He seems like a really humble, authentic guy, even though he’s lived an amazingly blessed and privileged life. I’m so lucky to be spending time with interesting, smart and caring people as part of my job.
4/3/22: First day home. Not much ‘productive’ to report. Settled back in. Emptied suitcases, put stuff away and did a few errands. Drove Q to work and saw Bella briefly, as she was here for a shift in the morning. Always good to sleep in our own bed again, especially since we got the new one earlier this year. Also good to eat homemade food again. Regardless of the quality, I can’t go more than a few sessions without craving real food from the house. I cut a salad, had yogurt for breakfast and grilled some chicken for dinner. Did some surfing online for rental properties, of course, since I’m still in vacation brain. Thankful for our house, our simple routines and for being together again.
4/2/22: Just got back last night from 5 days in the Dominican Republic, hence the lack of writing here. I did a lot of thinking about this page, just tried staying offline more than expected and not wanting to break out the computer. It was a spectacular trip and Lisa and I enjoyed it thoroughly. The weather was absolutely picture perfect. It was sunny everyday in the mid-80s, without being oppressively strong. There were also the occasional clouds that seemed to roll by at the perfect time when I needed some shade cover. The resort was beautiful and got better each day as it unfolded. At first it was very empty, but filled up a bit more each day, which was a bonus. I actually like the people watching and energy that comes from being at a resort. It’s cool to be around people from all regions of the world, doing the same thing as us. Listening to conversations in other languages and briefly meeting others you’d never cross paths with is part of the coolness of these high-end resorts. We had dinner with a couple from The Netherlands, at the teppanyaki spot and then connected with a French Canadian named GiGi from Montreal. I had bought some weed from a kid on the beach and left it with GiGi on our last day. He was thrilled and so happy, which of course made us happy. We used the gym 3x, which helped as well as doing a ton of walking everyday. I’m thankful that I can still walk and take the stairs everywhere. I’ve not taken great care of my body over the years but I am happy it still operates enough to keep me mobile. Hanging with Lisa for a few days was also nice. We both enjoyed every day and realize how fortunate we are to be able to experience places and situations like that together, both from a marriage standpoint and financially. We missed the kids but did some video calling with them during the week and of course some texting to stay in touch. Quincy had a good time at home and got his Invisalign started earlier in the week. He’s back on the spring track cycle, and said he played a ton of chess and guitar all week. Bella is still in school of course, but ramping up for her summer internship soon and keeping Subway going. She’s in town working today so hopefully we’ll all get to connect tonight for dinner and maybe she’ll be staying overnight. Very grateful for my week off work, for being able to afford such a luxurious trip, for the kids being independent and for having a wife who also enjoys these kinds of trips with me.
3/27/22: Jammed at Kelly’s mom’s service yesterday. I worked on the song during the morning, so I would be prepared. Last thing I wanted to do was screw up playing with Steve. He’s an immense guitarist and I wanted to do the song justice. We kicked off a bit rocky, mainly on timing, but I noticed Steve was waiting for me to push and lead the song. Once I did that he smiled and we locked in for the rest of the tune. While we played, people started singing, which was unexpected, but awesome. It felt good to play in front of people and get that performance anxiety that pushes you as a musician. Steve and Lisa were awesome and I did fine. I had the parts down and was able to enjoy the experience of feeling the music and moment. Grateful that we could bring a tiny bit of joy to the family, especially Kelly. Also thankful we were able to bring Steve to the event and take that worry off her mind. We also paid him ourselves without Kelly knowing, which also felt good. During the service we saw some old faces and spent time with Theresa, who we haven’t seen in years. She was always a really sweet person and hasn’t changed over the years. Saw their niece Taylor and some other members of Kelly’s extended family. Always good seeing the Bento’s and grateful to have everyone around enjoying the moment.
3/26/22: Did some rehearsing yesterday in advance of band practice on Sunday. I also worked on Turn The Page, which Lisa and I are planning to jam with Steve Marchena at Kelly’s mom’s funeral service. Feels good to pickup the instrument and feel the pain in my fingertips. I’m thankful I am a musician, even if I’m just a ‘blue collar’ type. It’s something not everyone can claim and of course something that is super close to my heart.
Wrapped up work yesterday and looking ahead to the Dominican Republic trip on Monday. I hosted a huge group for Hello Hasbro and always enjoy that. Thankful that I am off work for a bit and that I’m able to afford such a luxurious trip. I’m going to miss the kids of course, and it’s always bittersweet to leave, but I know Lisa and I will have a good time together and it’s healthy for our relationship and mental well bring to do stuff like this.
3/25/22: Google reminded me that 10 years ago yesterday, I was in Moscow with Fates Warning. It stung me, because of the war happening there now. I went through my old pics of that tour and it was powerful. I’ve been so lucky to have been so many cool places and experienced so many amazing things, many through music. I feel blessed, lucky and grateful to look back on such things and also to see where my life is at now.
After stumbling on those pics, I texted with a couple of the FW guys, Joey, Bobby and Jim. Jim sent me some new music that he wrote, which is absolutely stupendous. He did a record with Joey, a singer named Steve Overland and SIMON PHILLIPS on drums. As expected, the tracks are incredible. Really cool hard rock, with melody, great musicians and excellent vocals. So glad Jim is still making music for the world. He really is supremely talented and again, I feel grateful to have crossed paths with him and FW, spending 3+ decades connected through music that I love. Thankful.
3/24/22: Game Changers finals yesterday. We had nearly 500 people attend! Everything went smoothly and I was (mostly) comfortable as host. I fumbled a few times but warmed up and felt I did a solid job. Lots of amazing comments and the presenters were all fabulous. I enjoyed the ride these last several weeks leading up to the event. The buzz really built in the last few weeks and the turnout blew me (and others) away. It shows that this topic resonates with employees and I am proud to have been near the heart of the program. I’ve got goals around building on the momentum for next year and taking it to another level still, but for now I’m going to bask in the brief moment of calm and satisfaction for a job well done.
Quincy beat me at chess. I started teaching him the game maybe a month ago and he’s really taken to it. I knew he would be good, given his memory skills, pattern recognition and creative intellect. He’s started playing with friends at school, and watching online stuff. We sat down to play before dinner and he walked me right into a trap and captured my queen after about 7 moves. Thankful he’s taking to the game and pushing himself in new ways regularly.
3/23/22: Part one of the Game Changers program ran last night. Everything went smoothly and I felt comfortable. It was a great ‘rehearsal’ for the finals today, when the audience will be much larger. I’m genuinely fortunate to not only be part of events like these, but champion, strategize, execute and run them. It’s a lot of responsibility, and I don’t take that lightly. Thankful to be entrusted by my superiors with these opportunities.
I met with Maureen Johnson, Dolph’s wife earlier this week for coffee. It was really nice and she is a sweet lady. We talked about Dolph of course, and she really seemed to enjoy the vision I had for the video project. I’ve also started connecting with several of the people I was referred to by Rosa and others. Each of them shares a love for Dolph and I feel blessed to also feel that connection. He did something for me that I’ll never forget, regardless of circumstance and to be leading the charge for this tribute video feels awesome.
I connected with my bosses, Sue and Bryony, about things too and I feel better than I did. My vision for the project is a bit more ambitious and I preferred an alternate plan to present, closer to his actual retirement. That said, they listened to me and I was able to come around and understand their POV and they mine. While I would still prefer doing it entirely ‘my way’, I feel better about compromising and will do my level best to deliver with all the boxes checked. It was a healthy exchange for all of us I think and I’m thankful to have the ear of folks who generally try and listen.
3/21/22: Moonstruck played yesterday and killed it. Lisa had been stressed about it for a while. Between some band drama over the last several months, combined with covid-hangover on the music side and other elements, it’s been a big deal for her. The club was packed and everyone came out to see them. Even better, they rose to the occasion and Lisa was phenomenal. I mean she’s always pretty great but yesterday she kicked it up a notch. The songs were well received and the sound was good, mostly thanks to the band. I’ve seen other gigs there and know it was mainly due to what was coming off the stage. People really felt the music and left smiling. I can barely count how many cool people I talked to and I know they all enjoyed themselves. Proud of her and grateful to be best friends (and married!) to a real life Rock Star.
3/20/22: Q’d bday yesterday 🙂 So fucking proud of that kid. He continues to amaze and grow at an astounding rate. We bought him some small gifts including a chess set, the EVH biography (I’m trying to see if I can find something that will actually make him try to read!) and a few t-shirts. He seemed pretty happy with everything and also had some Amazon packages arrive, with a new drum pad and other stuff he bought. He worked a short shift in the afternoon and when I picked him up, he told me he bought a sandwich for an elderly woman who is a regular over there. Just to be kind and for no other reason! So glad he is learning that behavior at such a young age. In the evening, he met up with his crew and they went to Smitty’s for pizza. Strawbridge came by to pick him up and also to help him change the strings on a guitar I gave him. He’s surrounded himself with awesome kids and they have had a tremendous influence on him as well. Super grateful for the person he has become.
I got a random text from a guy on the west coast, who mentioned Guitars Behind Bars. We scheduled a phone call and chatted for about 1/2 hour last night, while Lisa was at band practice. Turns out he is interested in raising money and putting together some kind of program out in California, on behalf or in conjunction with GBB. Seemed like a cool guy and is somewhat accomplished as a musician/producer himself. I checked out his tunes online and kinda dug his vibe. Not sure where it will go, but we agreed to chat again in a few days and if nothing else, it’s ignited me a bit for this programming. Grateful for the reach of the web and the power of human connection in the name of helping others.
3/19/22: Did my first outdoor run of the year yesterday. It was 70 degrees out, also for the first time this year. I drove to Fields Park as that is my home base for running and I feel most at home running there. One lap = 3.5 miles and every year I ran Falmouth, my training was done there. I set out to get around once and made it. By the skin of my teeth. It was easily the hardest and slowest run since I’ve returned to the game these last few months. On one hand I was buoyed by the fact that I survived and actually finished. On the other hand, it left me thinking there was no way I could double that output. I know it’s stupid and I’m certainly not going to give up on that goal, I’m just acknowledging here how I felt. My body was pretty beat and I felt kinda crappy for the rest of the day, and even a bit still this morning. I need to spend today doing some stretching and recovery, and aim to get in my daily walk as well. Grateful / proud of myself for pushing through the pain and doubt and finishing the run.
For dinner, we took Q out, since it was the evening before his bday. We wound up going to the Portuguese place where the Bento’s frequent, St. John’s. Food was really good, as we expected. I got a cod dish that I never tried before, because the idea of a steak plate was unappealing, after such a strenuous run. Other than being a little heavy with oil, it was terrific. Q got wings, of course and Lisa got a mozambique dish. We left full and happy. Thankful to be celebrating with Quincy and enjoying a great meal together.
3/16/22: Got back to walking yesterday and made time for being outside and movement. My pattern has been unsteady lately and evidenced by my +2 on the scale this week. I know I can get back on track and today I am aiming for consistency. It’s hard not to be disappointed and I’ve been struggling with that feeling of being too hard on myself. I’m not really sure how to live that way in all candor. Something about my upbringing/dna or whatever has predisposed me to this way of thinking. I’m grateful to have the ability to at least recognize it, if not solve for it. In either case, I’m doing better on the scale, mentally and physically than I was back in December so it’s a win, right?!
Had the great fortune to listen to the pitches as part of my Game Changers program at Hasbro. It’s the second year doing it and it’s becoming an amazing pattern for me, and others. Heard the presentations from about 23 employees who shared incredible stories of a personal nature on behalf of their chosen nonprofits. I truly feel blessed to do this work and to have a birds-eye view into these stories. We are lucky to have an org filled with passionate people who care about others and who are willing to share, with the chance to do even more. I’m thankful the company supports it and supports me in leading the effort. I hope to blow it up even further and create something that can rival Global Day of Joy in its scope and impact. Even if it doesn’t reach that level, I’m proud of the work and proud of my colleagues. And myself too, I guess?!
3/15/22: Had someone come by the house yesterday and donate a bunch of gear. A lot of it is junk and I need to keep trying to get better at weeding out these items, or figure out a plan to store + sell whatever comes through. This was an older guy from Fall River and he messaged me with an eclectic list, which is why I assented to take the stuff. He had a dobro, a 5-string banjo a harp, mandolin and other assorted items. I’ll take most of it to Rick’ for consignment and see if I can possibly sell some of the smaller items on Reverb. Regardless of the situation, it’s kinda cool to have people regularly contact me to drop off gear. Even when it’s not super valuable or nice, it’s something the people themselves feel connected to. I could tell this guy was proud of his ‘collection’ and overvalued it from a monetary standpoint. I indulged him and sent him a super nice note, along with a snail-mail tax receipt. I’m grateful to be able to make folks like this feel good about their stuff, even if it’s somewhat of a burden on my side.
3/14/22: Fam Jam yesterday for mom and Q’s March Birthdays. Typical Sunday lunch hang, as we grilled and Lisa filled in with her famous rib/ziti dish and some other sides. UB was all beat up from his latest incident, where he fell face first off the senior citizen bus. Kids had a good laugh at all the shenanigans that accompany the hangs. Q got some bday money which I’m sure he’ll put to work in his studio in short order. Was nice to see my mom, Randy and GiGi, who is slow but still plugging away at 100+. Yes, our crew is kinda crazy and there are years of baggage and emotional scarring, but I’m still thankful for everything.
3/13/22: Long drive home in the rain/fog/dreariness. Always nice to be home and grateful the ride was safe. Stayed in for the day and tried to sink back into regular life. Did some grocery shopping last night in advance of the Nana/Quincy bday lunch. Ate pretty decently and aiming to get through the rest of the weekend feeling balanced. Grateful for all the ‘regular’ things in my life. The house, family, good food, heat on a cold day, hot showers and a clean bathroom, early bedtimes and Ajax 😉
3/12/22: Stayed up in Portland last night and saw Marcus King Band. Kid can absolutely shred. He had an entirely new band with him from when we saw him a couple years back. They were terrific and we had a good time at the gig. We stayed downtown and had a few hours of walking around town before/after the show. We had a terrific lunch and some drinks at a local bar that Dave Scott told us about. Food was fantastic and the highlight was this crispy polenta with pistachios. We walked over 4 miles and the area is super cool. Would love to live in a fun city like that at some point. We enjoyed ourselves, and Lisa and I were intimate again back at the hotel. Grateful for a fun time together and for us being close again lately.
3/11/22: Had a zoom call with Rich Spillberg yesterday. Rich is one of my best all-time friends. Though we don’t spend much time together these days, we have a long history. He’s been in NYC for the last few years and touring with bands for the last dozen or so. Regardless, whenever we connect, it’s always awesome. We have a similar approach to many things and are ‘cut from a similar cloth’ as people say. Feels good to spend time reconnecting with an old friend and share a bit about our lives. Thankful for Richie’s friendship.
3/10/22: I’ve gotten back down to -1lb, after the Austin trip. I started around Xmas time at 260 and today am at 252. It’s a slow burn, but that’s pretty much what I was after. I definitely feel better than I did a few months ago, and tracking my activity a bit has helped keep me balanced, I think. There’s plenty more I could be doing but I want to focus on what I AM doing, for a change and breathe. Everything we have is something we once wanted, so I don’t want to lose sight of the fact that I am making the progress I had hoped. I think I’m most proud of the consistency. Sure. I’ve had days here and there when I overate. I took the weekend trip, attended at least one party and eaten pizza and other treats a few times. I’ve also run 5k 3x, walked nearly every day, done several hundred pushups and had far more days when I ate solidly. Grateful for the improvements and even more for my ability to see them and feel them.
3/9/22: Doing a decent job of stabilizing my eating, since getting back from Austin and before. Exercise is still flat but I’m thankful that I’ve been able to keep from spiraling further, after a few days off the wagon. That’s been a pattern in my life, so seeing a change, or a simple return to normalcy, is welcome.
Been trying to think of something special to do for Lisa. We have all this money coming our way and she deserves something extra. Having a hard time thinking about what that is, but I think I’ve landed on the new car idea. I know I’ll have to push the process and get her motivated to visit the dealer and try some cars, but I want to make it happen for her. Thankful to be in a position to do something extra special for someone who deserves it greatly and does so much to take care of our family.
3/8/22: Had a great conversation at work with Sue, one of my managers. We’ve been talking a lot about expanding/improving our orientation program, Hello Hasbro, which I have been running for about a year. It’s a great little program, that allows me a birds-eye view into most of our new hires. It runs every other Friday and I spend about 2 hours connecting with people all over the globe, to evangelize on behalf of the company. I proposed an ambitious reboot and Sue is really supportive. Like most things at Hasbro, it will require a small army of approvals to see the light of day, but even the prospect of it gives me energy. Sue is a cool lady and she and I have a good complimentary ability to work together. She helps fill in areas where I fall short and I think we have a good mutual respect for one another. I don’t write about my job as often as is probably warranted, but I am very grateful to be part of Hasbro and to have a position where I can make a real impact, on others and myself regularly.
3/7/22: Went and saw Chuck/Mojo play yesterday at The District. Had fun, saw some cool people and didn’t drink. Glad to support Chuck and the guys, they are all awesome. Saw Wayne, which is always cool too. Grateful for so many good friends in my life.
After the show, we stopped by Subway and saw Q. We got some sandwiches for dinner, which was nice. He worked with Ryan Strawbridge, who he absolutely adores. He’s such a good influence on Quincy and it’s really awesome to see some of the friendships he’s made and continues to nourish. He’ll be going off to college in a few months, so I think Quincy is enjoying spending as much time together as possible while he’s still around. They also run together when there are no practices for the team. On Friday, Quincy also visited ETES, which he had been talking about doing for years. He came home so happy. He saw many of his old teachers and of course they all remembered him. He visited with Josh Letourneu, who is another kid he has been friends with most of his life. Great family and another positive relationship in his life. Grateful for all the awesome people he has surrounded himself with.
3/6/22: Had a hang last night with ‘the crew’, dave, kasts, mooneys. cid and a few others. Like most, it was fun and we had plenty of laughs. I did a good job being true to my values and stayed away from the booze. I had one beer. Mike had also bought cape cod pizza for everyone, and I had a couple slices, but maintained control. It felt good to be able to hang and not overdo it. Grateful that I was able to prioritize my health over momentary indulgence.
Got my ass back to the gym yesterday after a rough week. Ran 3.25 again and really feeling proud of myself for being able to keep it going. I’m definitely improving with my runs and although I’m not pushing further than about 5k as of yet, maintaining that distance over multiple weeks feels good. Grateful for my body, even though it hurts and suffers from all the years I abused it.
3/5/22: Continuing the chess lessons with Q the last 3 nights. He’s already got a good understanding of the game. He actually had me beat last night and was ahead by a rook and a pawn. He got too aggressive and made a few mis-steps which cost him the game, but he was right there. I always told him he’d be a good player and I can already see it. I hope he is enjoying the games as much as I am and thankful we’ve found something new to connect over.
Bella came back from Daytona overnight and although she was only gone a couple days, it was nice to have her back. They had a great time and I’m thankful she has the bug for seeing other places, spending time at the beach and traveling in general.
Called my mom last night and chatted a bit. It’s not something I do often, but I wanted to make sure she had a good birthday and talk with her, instead of just texting. She sounded good and I’m trying to make small efforts to be a better son. Thankful to still have my mom and that she is in good health. Grateful that our relationship continues to improve, even if it’s slowly.
3/4/22: Yesterday was my ma’s birthday. We chatted a bit over text and I told her I loved her. I’m grateful for all she’s done for me in my life, even when I was going through tough times as a teenager. We aren’t as close as I wish we were sometimes, but I think we’ve both grown closer and developed more of an appreciation for one another. She finally sees me as a capable, accomplished person and I finally see her as a loving, well-meaning mom and grandmother. She’s always been one to put others ahead of herself, even to a fault. I’m thankful she is still very healthy, energetic and engaged in our lives.
Got our bonus numbers at work yesterday and absolutely crushed it. The company is paying out 155% of our planned bonus! My payout is going to be over $31k and even after taxes, that will be an impactful amount for us. Going to fund Q’s 529 with some extra, put some in my 401k and get some small stuff done around the house. I’d like to figure out something nice to do for Lisa, but not sure what that should be. I know this has been a theme for the last several months, but I continue to be grateful for our financial position. It’s not lost on me how fortunate we are and how few people are in the same position, throughout the world.
3/3/22: A friend from work Sydney, reached out to me yesterday about something personal. She described her work situation and I could tell she was not herself. She’s feeling something akin to what I experienced a few years back. She’s found herself in a difficult spot, not feeling well physically or emotionally and was hurting about what to do. I tried to be a good listener and told her about my own experience. I also encouraged her to make decisions from a place of love and not fear. I know it’s difficult to sever ties, even when a situation is as negative as mine/hers, but it’s the way forward. I was super grateful that she reached out to me for help. It made me feel close with her and there’s nothing better than being of service to those around us. Thankful.
I also got a text last night from Kelly Bento, saying her mom passed away. She initially asked about a catering place I used for Lisa’s 50th, then told me the reason after. I chatted with her a bit over text and tried to reassure her. She had a tumultuous relationship with her mom, similar to mine with my dad. I could tell she was also in pain and tried to send love and a touch of wisdom. I also offered to connect with her in person to talk and I hope we can make that happen. It means a lot to have a genuine connection with people and I’m glad that I got to have a moment like that with Kelly. Losing a parent, even one with a complicated history, is not easy. I’m thankful that I could be a tiny drop of support for her and that she opened up to me a little.
Q asked me to teach him chess. We played a game last night after Lisa went to band practice. He’s a natural and I always told him he’d be a good player. He is super logic oriented and has a good brain for patterns and memory. Anyways, it was fun to show him the ropes and I have no doubt that if he plays a few more games, he’ll beat me soon enough. Grateful to have father/son time with Quincy and to be able to share any kind of knowledge with him that I can.
3/2/22: Took a while but settled back into normalcy yesterday. Still feeling the effects of overdoing it, but it was nice to return to a regular sleep pattern, be at home in our routine and get back to work. I helped Quincy continue the process of putting his room/studio together and hung the TV monitor on the wall for him. It’s always cool hanging out for a few hours doing little projects like that. I tried to include him in it a little and explain what I was doing. I never had anyone show me how to do anything ‘handy’, which is one reason I never learned any of it until later in life. I’m still not great and don’t have many tools, but I’ve learned to at least do some basic stuff around the house. Grateful that Q still looks to me for help and that we can spend time connecting on mundane stuff.
Got a call from Rob Ignazio, after I posted about the ArcAngels gig. He’s an old friend that I always had a strong bond with. He’s a guitar player / studio guy and we met in 1991 at Anything Audio, Dave Malekpour’s original place. We stayed in touch over the years and I briefly stayed at his place in Somerville, back in the years I was out with Stripmind. Good hearted hippie guy, who is authentic and chill. Thankful to have an old friend reach out like that and we spent nearly an hour on the phone catching up.
3/1/22: Much better return trip yesterday to Boston. Got home mid-day and absolutely was wiped out. Show was a blast. We got in the venue early thanks to the VIP line and parked just a few feet from stage right. We met a bunch of other guys inside and made fast friends with a few groups of people. 3 guys from Austin who came together, a couple from Florida and another from Kansas City. I struck up a conversation with several of them, as I like to do before a gig like that, to get to know the people standing near us. I bought a round of beers for everyone and it was really social and fun for the rest of the night. The band did NOT play See What Tomorrow Brings, but played the entire rest of the record. I was slightly bummed, because that would have put me over the top emotionally. Still, I had a great time and enjoyed the hell out of the show. Afterward we got to briefly meet the band upstairs and we took some swag home, in the form of posters and t-shirts.
Little sleep, as we left Austin at 7am and spent much of yesterday trying to not feel gross. I definitely overdid it on the alcohol and food, a deadly combo for me. I’m not going to let it derail me and send me into a tailspin. I’m going to get back on track today, start March fresh and reset on my habit tracker for this month. I’m thankful for the opportunity to see if I’m strong enough to withstand this setback and recommit to my life priorities, starting now.
Super thankful we had that experience together. Super thankful we can afford to indulge ourselves with travel and music. Super thankful to be home and back to enjoy the simple things. And super thankful we saw the Arc Angels 😉
2/27/22: Worst flight ever. Seriously, the airline experience has taken such a nosedive (pun intended) over the last handful of years. Delayed flight x3. The sat on the runway for an hour waiting to take-off. During that time, we were informed that our non-stop was now being forced to make a stop to re-fuel, and it took us to Raleigh, NC instead of Austin, where we waited about another hour on the ground. Pretty much blew our entire day and I really struggled with my emotions, and keeping them in check. I did try and feel them in a mindful way and it was sort of helpful, but the whole experience really struck a negative chord with me.
Once we finally landed, things got better. Lisa and I checked into our room, at a pretty cool ALoft downtown and cleaned up a bit. Then we found a burger place just a few blocks away and had a nice meal and some stiff drinks. We bopped around to another spot for one more before settling back at our own hotel bar for one last nightcap. All the spots we visited were lively and really nice. Austin is a cool city like that. After retiring to our room, we had sex. It’s been a while and it felt good. It’s become a bit of ‘a thing’, meaning our lack of intimacy. It kinda started last summer when I was going through the depression period and never really recovered. Anyways, it was nice to be close and to make each other feel good again. Thankful for the chance to come here with Lisa and to be able to afford such luxuries as nice hotels, bars and restaurants. Even JetBlue couldn’t ruin that.
2/26/22: Struggling to write today. We’re at the airport waiting for our flight to Austin. It was supposed to leave at 10:15, got pushed back to 11:40 and again to 1:07. Flying has become an absolute horror show experience in the last 5 years or so. Besides the 50/50 chance of being delayed. the airlines, at least Jet Blue, is completely awful to deal with. The treatment of the customers is beyond gross and it makes something (travel) which had always been an absolute joy, more stressful than ever. Of course I’m thankful to have options and to be able to even consider traveling, but it’s one of the trigger events for me that makes my blood boil. When I found out about the first delay, while still at home, I tried sitting with the feeling and examining it mindfully. I could feel it in my gut, where I usually sense the discomfort. I think it helped in the moment to calm me down. Hoping the remainder of the journey is uneventful and I’m still excited for the gig tomorrow, despite Jet Blue’s worst efforts.
Bella and Cam are home for the weekend, to hang with Quincy and help him get to work, etc. It was nice to connect with them yesterday during the snowstorm. Today is their one year anniversary, according to Bella and she plans to take him to FlatBreads in Providence, one of our family spots. I’m happy for them and it’s nice to see her content in her relationship. It’s also nice that they are ok with staying with Q and letting him be part of the group. He’s supposed to go for an overnight with Owen and some other friends and to the mall with Nana on Sunday. Thankful for our family and all it’s closeness.
2/25/22: Met Jacob Marcus for coffee yesterday morning. Jacob was my boss and friend many years ago at Upromise. We’ve loosely stayed in touch and he recently donated a super generous contribution to Rawkstars. That started us messaging and I went to meet him in Sharon, where he lives. Great guy and I enjoyed catching up with him a bit. I’m thankful for so many cool people being in my network and lately, for having more energy to get out and stay close with more of them.
I also went over and spent some time with Dave Purdy. He’s offered to assist with setting up my new website with a customer portal, to allow Fan Club members to manage their own credit cards and subscriptions. It’s something I’ve wanted to incorporate since we launched that feature. It will help a lot and also coincides with the redesign I want to do with Amy Avitabile. I’m hopeful it will give me a bit of a push to work on that more, as I’ve really been stalling on my side. Grateful for his help, as well as Amy’s and for being able to bring Rawkstars into a new era of technology, to make our servicing better than it is now.
2/24/22: Hung out with Rob last night over a couple beers. Always enjoy his company. He’s a great guy, has his shit together and we are on the same wavelength with lots of things. Super thankful he is my family and I consider him a brother, without the ‘in-law’ part.
Bella got her first internship yesterday! She applied for two positions and accepted one offer. I think she was hoping for the other company, and they still may call her. I enjoyed helping her a bit on the path and giving her some advice about how to communicate throughout the process. She is such a great kid and I’m certain will do well in her career, wherever it takes her. Thankful for our relationship and that she trusts me to come and talk about this stuff. Also proud as hell for everything she is accomplishing and her ability to juggle so many areas of her life with seeming grace and competency.
Has a little bro-time with Q yesterday and he told me about his recent habit of looking at each day as ‘awesome’. We talked about this blog and the idea of writing about that concept. He’s such a smart, well adjusted kid and mature way beyond his years when it comes to matters of ‘life’. Super impressed by him and proud that Lisa and I have raised such amazing people together.
2/23/22: Went to the wake for Sue Taylor’s mom yesterday after work. Quincy tagged along and we listened to hip-hop on the ride over. It was nice to see Sue and her sister Chris, who I am also friendly with. The vibe wasn’t too dour, and the family seemed in good spirits, given the circumstance. It made me thankful my own mom is still alive and doing well. I’m going to call her today and say I love her. Afterward, Q and I stopped at the Portuguese bakery across the street. He got a chocolate brownie and picked out a nice bag of fresh rolls. I grabbed a couple of cheeses from the fridge and we ate some when we got home. Thankful he is appreciative of the Portuguese food and heritage.
Yesterday I also did my podcast interview for Dino’s ‘Authentic Leadership’ series. It was really fun. I felt like it took me a bit to warm up and there were some parts of the interview I definitely would have liked to do over. But there were also portions where I felt good and thought I gave good responses. It will be interesting to listen to it once released, but overall I’m really glad it came together. I am a huge podcast listener and always thought it would be cool to be interviewed, so getting the chance was awesome. It also pushed me out of my comfort zone a bit and I’m grateful that I continue to pursue such experiences as I get older. We spent some time after the recording to catch up. I’m really glad we crossed paths and have so much in common. Looking forward to connecting with him in person sometime soon. I feel like I’ve made a new friend.
2/22/22: Yesterday, Sterling fixed a bug on the Rawkstars website. It must have broken when I did some upgrades a few weeks back, but I didn’t realize it. Last weekend someone tried to join the Fan Club and pointed out the bug. Luckily, he was able to jump on it and get it back up and running. Thankful for his friendship and that he was able to help out so quickly. We’ve been friends for a long time and is one of my closest work buds from Hasbro. We are like-minded in many ways and I enjoy connecting with him on just about any topic or situation.
Booked a room up in Portland for March 11th, when we are going up to see Marcus King Band. Really great to be on a stretch of time away from East Taunton, with music as the backdrop. Also thankful to be able to afford such luxuries that many could not consider.
2/21/22: Went hiking up Blue Hills with Lisa yesterday. We had band practice cancelled, so we found ourselves with an open day. In the afternoon I was itching to get outside and suggested the hike. It was a little bit cold, but felt good to be outside and moving. I warmed up pretty quickly as the first 2/3 of the climb is pretty steep. It’s only a mile+ roundtrip but definitely gets the heart racing pretty fast. It was nice to be together and doing something healthful. Afterward, we stopped at the Bento’s place and had lunch. Every Sunday they have soup, cornbread and chourico. I had some wine and enjoyed the food, as usual. They are doing well and seem healthy. In the evening, I called GiGi, as has become my pattern when picking up Quincy from work on Sunday night. She is also trucking along and sounded like herself. Grateful for the older folks in my life and that they are all doing well. Grateful that my body (and mind) are able to keep moving and grateful that Lisa is an awesome partner who wants to do those things together.
2/20/22: Started kicking the tires on a summer trip to Portugal. It’s come up a few times and the kids both really seem interested, which is rare. I looked into flights and they are reasonable for July/August. It’s going to be Bella’s 21st and our 25th wedding anniversary that same week. I brought it up to check the dates with Bella and she asked about taking Cam along. It was a tiny bit unexpected, though I understand. She told me she couldn’t imagine celebrating her b-day and being separated from him for a week. Luckily, we are in a position to absorb another person financially, and it will be nice to have him along. Rob suggested I connect with their friend Brunhilde, who has a place outside of Lisbon. I’m hoping she might offer use of the house, so we can make a home base there. I’d like to explore the country at least a little and want to visit the Algarve region and possibly Porto. Anyways, it’s all TBD but it felt nice to start planning and building momentum. Grateful to be able to do things like this with the family.
2/19/22: Got a 3.5 mile run on the treadmill yesterday, my longest distance in quite some time. Friday’s are a good option for me since I finish work rather early. Instead of grabbing lunch right away, I decided to get myself to the gym. Always a good choice. I was planning to try and get a 2+ mile run in to keep some momentum without really pushing my limits. As I ran, it felt good and I had a steady, easy pace going. I knew pretty quickly that I’d be able to surpass 2 miles, but that doesn’t always equate to trying/doing. Once I got beyond the song target, which is how I generally plan my runs, I checked the distance and I had gone further than expected. So I told myself that I was gonna get the next few songs and that should put me at 5k. Once I checked, I was actually passed 3.1 and figured the 3.55 mark would give me the halfway distance for Falmouth, so I did another couple minutes. Must admit it felt pretty damn good. Not only reaching that mark, but the way my body felt. I wasn’t completely spent and my form never degenerated super far. Grateful my body is responding to the improved eating and movement these last 2 months and thankful that I’m continuing on this path to train and target the FRR as a milestone for late summer.
Had a call with Dino yesterday afternoon. Not sure if I mentioned him below, but he is an old colleague from Digitas who reached out recently and we began connecting on LinkedIn. Turns out he is running a pretty cool podcast and asked me to be a guest! I was super excited, though admittedly a bit nervous. Since we hadn’t spoken directly, I decided to hookup with him yesterday in advance, so I could get a feel for what it would be like to talk with him during the interview. Very cool guy and we have a ton in common. I’m still kinda nervous about doing it, but also psyched. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and I am a huge fan of many podcasts. Feels good to be asked and also to take the leap into something I haven’t done before. Thankful for both!
2/18/22: Down another -1lb. this week. -7 overall since the start of the new year. It’s a good number and I’m proud of myself. I haven’t killed myself or swung the pendulum too far in the direction of obsessive, and still managed to start making progress towards a healthier weight. I definitely feel better than I did a few months ago and though I still have a ways to go to achieve a healthy weight, I feel like it’s doable, and that is a huge change from how I felt not long ago.
Heard from Synk last night that they passed on me. It was somewhat of a relief, TBH. When I first dipped my toe in the water, it really was a pure intellectual exercise. I wanted to update my info, see what companies were paying out there and see if I was anywhere near the ballpark of what they were looking for. Mission accomplished on all three. I did no prep for the interview and went in basically cold. Afterward, I got somewhat more interested in actually pursuing the job, as I started to learn more about the company and envisioning what was possible for me. At that point, it was too late to effect change, but it was a helpful piece of the puzzle. I don’t know what the future holds, but I definitely feel more confident that I could land something more impactful, should I choose to go all in and pursue that type of role. I also gained valuable interview experience, after laying dormant for nearly 8 years. I think I’ll continue to hone my resume further and if something powerful comes along, I won’t be afraid to kick the tires again. It’s all about preparation, in my mind. I’m content and secure in my current position and having almost daily impact. I’m also secure financially, so my motivation is purely focused on big opportunities for upside. It’s a good place to be and I am grateful for all of it.
Had beers with Chris Weekly last night. Chris is a great guy and one of the few in my friend circle that actively reaches out to make plans. I’m super thankful for that. I always enjoy our conversations as he is smart, caring, mindful and wise. I’m lucky to have folks in my life that I can connect with on those levels.
2/17/22: Had a productive day at work yesterday. Monday I had been unmotivated. I think it was because I ate badly the night before, on the Superbowl. Whatever the case, I was having a hard time focusing and felt like I was procrastinating. I’ve learned to listen to my body and tried to understand what the root cause was. Tuesday was better and I crossed off a few ‘ankle biter’ tasks that had been lingering. Yesterday I dove in heavily on some writing/documenting that I had been putting off, but which is really important. I got a ton done and felt good about it, as it was unfolding. It’s awesome when you can find satisfaction and motivation on seemingly mundane tasks and I am grateful to have a position that offers me that, semi-regularly.
I also got invited to appear on a podcast! An old co-worker of mine from DTAS commented on a LinkedIn post I published recently, about my interactions with Angel, from PACT. We started talking offline and he is an executive coach, and podcaster. His show is kinda legit and I listened to the prior episode, which featured the president of Berklee College of Music. Turns out Dino is also a musician and we have a ton in common. I’m super excited and of course a bit nervous. Do I have anything truly worthy to share? Can I ‘perform’ with enough energy and engagement to warrant anyone listening and actually enjoying? Time will tell I suppose but I’m pumped to have the opportunity. I am a bit of a podcast fiend and always thought it would be great to have an in depth conversation of that type. Actually getting the chance to do so will be a great learning experience, if nothing else. Thankful to have connected with Dino and looking forward to building a new relationship with another like-minded, talented person.
2/16/22: Had some really great feedback (again) on the latest Rawkstars story about Aurora. It’s been nice to talk about onboarding new students and families. Letting our fans know about these actions is important and I always feel like I don’t do enough of it. Part of it is laziness, of course. Part of it is a lack of interest in talking via social media. Those things aside, it’s always rewarding to hear the kind words of folks when they learn about a new family. I’m thankful to be able to tell those stories, regardless of how often or where. I’m even more thankful to be able to have the experiences behind the stories. Those are priceless, personal artifacts that make me who I am and much of it is thanks to the kindness of others.
2/15/22: Felt a lack of motivation yesterday. Couldn’t really get focused on work, despite having a bunch of things to tackle. The only productive bit was getting the tax info for Rawkstars finally submitted to Harmon. Donna actually helped a lot, which was awesome. I don’t get a ton of support on RS tasks but when I do, it’s super appreciated. Also rebounded from poor eating on Superbowl Sunday and had a ‘normal’ day of food intake. Small victory but thankful to be doing much better in that area, which is often the stuff that takes me down. Got a text from Bella last night after Jeopardy ended. There’s this guy with a mohawk who won the last couple nights. She sent a meme about him being the longest running mohawk champion. My heart was kinda warmed knowing that she’s watching Jeopardy at school, or with Cam. That’s been something of a family tradition for us and it made me smile thinking about her doing it now too 🙂
2/14/22: Stayed home and watched the Superbowl with Lisa and Q last night. Decent game even though the Bengals ultimately lost and it was nice to be together. Halftime show was the big highlight with Dre, Eminem, Snoop and others doing a hip-hop extravaganza. Anderson Paak made a surprise appearance on drums, which made me smile. Overate a bit, but feeling like I can get right back on the horse today, which is part of the process forever.
During the afternoon, Heavy Mellow rehearsed for the first time in about 3 months. We sounded pretty good, considering the layoff and it was most certainly great to reconnect with everyone and to make some loud noise together. I’m hoping we can get some momentum going again and return to the form we had last year. We also really need to get some new songs into the mix and people seemed genuinely interested in both of those things happening. I’m thankful that I’m able to keep a modicum of music playing in my life, even if it’s up/down. Also thankful for the friendships and bonds provided by the band.
2/13/22: Lots to write today. Yesterday I met Nancy, a woman who was referred to me by Nick Vecchio, who runs Band-Gig. She is a 70 year old grandmother who is the sole guardian of her 5 grandchildren. Her husband passed away as did her son. The mom is absent and lives in Florida, so Nancy is funding and raising 5 children between 11-17 herself. Her youngest, Joey, has been taking drum lessons which she can no longer afford. Instead of letting her withdraw, Nick asked if Rawkstars could intervene. After hearing her story I was convinced the family was perfect for us. After meeting her in person, I was even more sure. She was so kind, animated and sweet. I could tell the kids loved her and that the family were super close knit. It was the first time I met with a grandmother on behalf of a student and in a weird way, I feel like Rawkstars is supporting Nancy, even more than Joey in this instance. Either way, I am so very blessed to spend my time like this and meeting her for 30 minutes on a Saturday morning was fantastic.
After our hookup at the music store, I connected with Jonathan Cardoni for coffee nearby. He called me a few days back about an idea he has to launch a nonprofit, using Peace Train, the Cat Stevens song, as a catalyst. He’s got a cool partner who already co-wrote a book with Cat and Jon was super excited when he called me. We had coffee and talked for about 2 hours, which was really nice. He’s a great guy and being asked my thoughts on all this was flattering. He also told me that reconnecting with me last year motivated him to start the nonprofit, which made me feel really great. Having an unseen impact like that is huge and make me even more thankful. I’m psyched to be connecting with Jonathan too. I feel like he and I have a ton in common and he’s a low-key guy, which I think is a good influence on me. Not sure if I ever wrote about it here, but he was the very first person who helped me with the idea of sound engineering. When we worked together at Good Vibrations, he was already connected with music people. He got me my first introduction to Bill Miller, which led to me working on several sessions at his Headroom studio in Boston. Super thankful for that and for Jon’s friendship all these years later.
On my way home from coffee, Nick called me in the car to ask about the meeting with Nancy. After filling him in, he invited me over his house for a beer. I typically might have said no, but I knew Lisa and Q were both out for the afternoon and I was feeling great after the morning, so I said sure. I drove to his place and we connected for another couple hours. He has a cool, artsy home right on the lake. He was roasting veggies, which smelled awesome and we had a couple tequilas. He broke out some weed and I took a puff. Not my usual Saturday afternoon but it felt right and we enjoyed getting to know each other a bit more. Grateful for the human connection and for being open to it.
Cooked pasta sauce after I got home and did a short run. The weather was beautiful, near 60 in mid-February?! Lisa came home later after spending the afternoon with Judy Moynihan. We haven’t seen her in years and I know it’s been a source of pain for Lisa. They were close friends growing up and Judy has had a rough go of it the last several years. Anyways, it seems like she is in a better place and Lisa was definitely happy to have spent time with her. I’m thankful that Judy is doing better and for her presence in our lives since we were teenagers.
2/11/22: Stopped by Rick’s Music last night and met Juliette and Aurora, the newest mom/daughter pair for Rawkstars. Aurora has been taking lessons for about a year at Rick’s. Her mom recently came into the store to try and switch lessons to every other week. That’s not really an option for most music stores, since the teachers are then left with empty blocks of time in the calendar. Anyways, Juliette was super upset and on the verge of tears. Turns out she is in the process of being divorced and her soon to be ex-husband is refusing to pay for 1/2 of the lessons. I can totally relate to this scenario being a kid from a divorce situation. Lisa told the woman about Rawkstars and it began a brief conversation for us. I learned Juliette is a school bus driver, which obviously doesn’t pay a lot. Lisa also asked her current teacher and learned that Aurora was a dedicated, passionate student who was really engaged. After submitting an application, I had the great pleasure of letting Juliette know we would accept her as a student. She wrote me back saying she was in tears and we made her day. She started a few weeks ago, but last night I drove to the store to meet them for the first time. They were both super nice and grateful. I also had read in Aurora’s application that she dreamed of someday trying guitar. Since we were already at the music store, I told her to pick one out. She got wide-eyed and picked out a 3/4 sized started acoustic in bright red. I got them all setup with a strap, picks, tuner, strings, etc. and wished them well. Aurora was so happy and didn’t hide it. She came over an gave me a huge hug and Juliette was fighting back tears. The whole episode lasted about 25 minutes and we went our separate ways. I am so fucking blessed to have occurrences like this in my life, but I still don’t take it for granted. I really am grateful to be able to be in a position to help people when they need it. It’s an honor and privilege that I am consistently thankful for.
After leaving Rick’s, I met up with Jim Cannon for a beer at the GAP restaurant. We hung out for a while and caught up. He’s one of the few people that reaches out to me for stuff like that and I really appreciate his company. We talked a lot and ordered food. I got a grilled chicken sandwich with a side of veggies. Felt good about sticking to my principles of taking care of myself, while still out enjoying a beverage with a friend. I know it’s possible to live with balance, and was proud of myself for making a good choice, when I could have easily chosen short term gratification. Also thankful for Jim’s friendship and human connection.
2/10/22: Dropped -1lb. today. I know it doesn’t sound like much but it’s very rewarding. I’ve really been feeling good about myself since just before New Year’s. That’s when I started the habit tracker and doing my best to prioritize my health above other things. I dropped a few lbs. in the first 2 weeks, but then just one more pound afterward. I’m looking to make slow/steady progress and am aiming for -4lbs. per month. I’m at -6 after about 7 weeks so my pace is on point. Beyond the facts and figures, I’m just feeling better. My ‘regular’ clothes still aren’t fitting but I’m getting closer. I definitely have a bit more energy and am not being as hard on myself as I had been. I’ve had some regularity and improvements with running and haven’t missed a daily walk since Lisa and I started that practice. Mentally, I also feel stronger and more even keeled. Sleep is good, relationships are good and my mood is also in a good place. I’ve been meditating with increased regularity, even though I have not carved out a specific window of time for that. I’m also doing pushups and that has improved my strength ever so slightly. I’m proud of myself, which isn’t something that comes easy for me as I tend to look at what I haven’t done, when it comes to myself.
2/9/22: Got some time to rehearse by myself last night, with Lisa at work. Heavy Mellow hasn’t practiced in a few months. Between covid cancelling our Narrows gig, Crissy moving and all the personal/band obligations everyone has, it just hasn’t happened. We are scheduled to jam this coming Sunday and I hadn’t picked up my bass in at least a month. Earlier last week I slowly started re-learning our songs. My hands cramped of course, from lack of use and I had to sit and reacquaint myself with some of the parts, but have been making progress each of the last several days. Last night I was able to run through 9 of our dozen-ish songs and feel pretty solid. I’m planning to work on the next 3 or so tonight and continue through Sunday, so I can be ready. There’s this analogy I like to use in music of ‘hold on for dear life’, which refers to how I feel sometimes playing with musicians so much more skilled than I am. It’s a great approach to getting better at things, when you work/play/whatever alongside people who are superior to you. I most definitely feel that way with playing music, and I’m grateful. I often feel the opposite when it comes to work and other things I put my time into. Probably some ego in the way there, but music is a safe place I can feel humbled and happy to be holding on for dear life 😉
2/8/22: I wrote on social media for the first time in a few months. I wrote about Angel and posted a pic that Lisa took of us. My feed blew up and a ton of people commented positively. It felt nice to have such a warm welcome and response to Angel’s story. I heard from a ton of folks who aren’t typically responsive to my stories, which was surprising and nice. I’m so lucky to have Rawkstars in my life and everything that comes with it. I get to see the generosity of donors first hand and I get to see the impact that those contributions have on real people. I also bought Angel a few packages of strings and had them shipped to his home from Amazon. Lastly, I reached out to MJ’s Music about a guitar teacher, so he can officially be added to the roster and get started. Very fulfilling few days on that side and thankful for the chance to be surrounded by so many awesome people.
After work, Quincy asked me for help putting together his new desk. He bought a new setup for his studio, which he has been accumulating items for over the last several months. It’s been cool to see him work, save up and then purchase things from a very specific list he created. He is so detail oriented and I see so much of myself in his process. Anyways, we spent about 90 minutes in his room. He mostly did the assembly but I helped him a few times and made sure he followed the directions and learned a few things. We of course listened to music and talked during the process, which was the main thing I’m writing about. Nice to connect with Q and proud of him for all he’s accomplishing. His studio is actually getting pretty decked out too. He recently bought a really nice Mac Book to go along with all his other pieces. Looking forward to hearing his next album and what he creates with it all.
2/7/22: Lisa and I took a drive to Waltham to meet Angel yesterday. He’s the guy who emailed me a few weeks ago after being released from PACT a few months back. We met up in Waltham, outside of his church. He told me the pastor who visited the inmates works there, so this has become his home away from home. He looked great, smiling and humble. He said he was inside for 3 years and that the music program was the best part. He said it really helped him and made him try new things that he wouldn’t have considered otherwise. It was super sweet to chat with him and I left with a feeling that he was going to be ok. I gifted him an acoustic guitar that John Baptista had donated a while back. Since John was the music teacher we hired at the prison, it felt like synergy to give the guitar to Angel. I was also glad Lisa came along and she rearranged her schedule to do so. It’s not something that others often get to see/feel and having her join was really cool. Blessed, thankful and humbled.
2/6/22: Drove down to Providence with Lisa to Venda Ravioli for lunch. It’s an Italian Grocery over on Atwells. I’ve been there a few times and they have amazing sandwiches, bread and all sorts of imported groceries. We got two chicken parmesan sandwiches, which were absolutely amazing,. Homemade crusty bread, hand breaded chicken made in-store and homemade red sauce. We got two mineral waters and ate slowly in the corner. Even though it wasn’t a ‘healthy’ lunch per se, in terms of the food, it felt healthy to indulge a craving mindfully and to feel so satisfied and nourished by the food. We shopped a bit after and bought some really cool cheese, imported olives and 3-year aged prosciutto. Really grateful that we can afford such luxuries. Also thankful that Lisa came with me for the experience. Simple, but memorable and beautiful.
2/5/22: Banged out another 5k on the treadmill, kind of unexpectedly. Planned to hit the gym to run and was aiming to get 2 miles. My cardio has been rough lately and the last few times I’ve run, it was hard to get that much. Yesterday was smooth and easy and I decided to keep going once I got to 2.5 and still had energy in the tank. Probably the best run since I’ve been back at it, in terms of how I felt while it was going. Less of a struggle and more enjoyment/ease in my stride. Thankful that I not only pushed myself to get to the gym, but that I pushed beyond the minimum I planned, based on how I actually felt.
2/4/22: Received a Rawkstars disbursement from Benevity yesterday for about $2,200! I wasn’t expecting it so I logged into the portal to see what the source was. A few people had made year end donations, which isn’t unusual. Rich Beauregard, Sharyn & Mike Itao/Dolinski and Jacob Marcus, who donated $2k! I’m always floored when folks are moved to contribute to Rawkstars, most especially when it happens organically and not as the result of a campaign or story I’ve written. The fact that Jacob was unbelievably generous was not shocking either. He’s one of my all-time favorite managers, as I worked under him for a couple years back at Upromise. We don’t see each other, but he joined a zoom call that I organized with some of my old IT friends near the start of the pandemic. He was smart, easy going, hard working and had the ability to execute as well as offer strategic vision, a rare combination in the business world. I wrote each of them a note of thanks and I was appreciative of connecting with them, as well as for the money they donated to the charity. I continue to be the luckiest motherfucker on earth to see all sides of the coin and the genuine human impact when it comes to Rawkstars.
2/3/22: Talked with a new mom about accepting her daughter into Rawkstars yesterday. She wrote me back and said she was in tears. I could tell from her writing how excited she was and how important it was to her family. No better feeling than knowing something you did made someone’s day and impacted their life. Even after all these years that never gets old and I am super grateful for being empowered to have those experiences because of the support Rawkstars enjoys.
Finished another book last night called ‘Oh William’. Wasn’t bad and it was a pretty easy read. Over the last several years I’ve done much more nonfiction, but sometimes I need a story. Reading is such an awesome exercise and one that leaves you feeling engaged, if the book is good. Like many things, my reading is up/down but lately it’s been a bigger part of my day, so for that I’m thankful.
2/2/22: Got back to the gym yesterday after about a week absence. I ran 2.25. None of these runs have been easy, regardless of distance or speed. Not sure if it’s the extra weight I’m carrying, my age or most likely a combination of factors, but I’m struggling to get even a few miles these days. No matter, I’m (trying) not to measure myself by those metrics, but just keep getting there and continuing to look for ways to move more. Grateful for one more day of focus.
Connected with Bones (Joe DiBiase) last night on a text thread. Since we are headed to NYC this weekend, I checked in with him to see if he was around on Saturday. Figuring we might swing through New Haven on our way back and that means two things. Modern Apizza & Bones! He and I hit it off since day 1. He was the first one from the Fates Warning crew that I met in person, after some phone calls with Jim to land the gig. We met as I drove to a rehearsal space the band had rented to get tour ready. He had to jump in when I was too young to rent a car, being under 25 at the time. We connected over music, sports, and have a similar sense of humor. We stayed in touch through all these years even after he left the band and both of us moved on. Always get some laughs when we connect and he’s a great friend. Thankful that we might connect in person this weekend.
2/1/22: Grateful for the month of January. It was a transitional time for me and I did pretty well. I used a habit tracker for the first time in a while an successfully reached my stated goals. I adopted the daily cold walking challenge with Lisa and not only did the walks, but grew to enjoy the habit. I had several days where my eating wasn’t as good as it could be, but that’s ok. I didn’t work out as much as I could have but that’s also ok. I ran multiple times and completed one distance of 5k. I revived this blog, both in terms of daily writing, but also created one new story and fixed all the tech issues. Got a ton done around the house and in cleaning up my financial health as well. I got back on a path to be the person I want to and made progress towards doing so. Grateful.
1/31/22: Big sports weekend. Big Papi got voted into the HOF on the 1st ballot, which was totally awesome. Dude has brought so much joy to me and millions of others and genuinely can lay claim to being the most important hitter the Sox ever had. That’s saying something for a team that has produced Ted Williams, Yaz, Nomar, Jim Rice, Wade Boggs, Manny Ramirez and other legends. He was the catalyst for 3 WS titles and represented the city of Boston better than anyone else ever did. Grateful to have lived through his era and happy for him and his family that he will be immortalized in Cooperstown.
Yesterday morning I watched the re-run of the Australian Open final, which took place at 3am EST. Rafael Nadal came back from 2 sets down to win his 21st major, the most by any male player. Rafa has been a terrific player for well over a decade and used to be known for just dominating the French Open, but took his game to another level in the second half of his career. He plays with flair and I really enjoy his game. Dude is ultra-fit and never out of it, as evidenced yesterday. Thankful to be able to watch a tournament halfway around the world that took place overnight as if it were live.
Football championship weekend wrapped up with the Bengals and Rams set to meet in the Superbowl. There is also a rumor of TB12 retiring, which will warrant its own post, once he confirms. I’ve taken the opportunity to do pushups during the games the last several weeks, so I can at least get up and move a bit. I do pushups for each score, 7 for a touchdown, 3 for FG, etc. Grateful to be able to do some decent pushups and that my body is still strong enough for me to enjoy life.
Bought tickets to see The Arcangels in Austin at the end of February. They did a few reunion shows last weekend and I came close to pulling the trigger. I didn’t have much time as I only learned of the gigs a few days before. I couldn’t get floor seats to the Austin City Limits show and I would have had to punt on a work project and the weather also looked bad for that weekend. I ultimately decided not to go. The Lisa told me they booked one more gig at Antones, which is the legendary blues club where they kinda got their start. Tickets went on sale yesterday so I scored a pair immediately and then booked flights. Overall, I spent about $800 on the tickets and travel. Grateful that I am able to spontaneously spend that kind of money on music and memories. It’s not lost on me that billions of people in the world would never have that opportunity, but I do. It will be great fun to head down for a weekend with Lisa and experience that gig and am already looking forward to it.
1/30/22: Got a huge snowstorm yesterday. Over 26″, one of the biggest in the last several years. Bella and Cam were here so we had a full house, which was nice. We made tons of food, of course and played Monopoly for much of the afternoon. Lisa and I shoveled before it got dark and it was a shit ton of snow to move. Cam helped a bit which was nice and I was glad to see him take some initiative and of course enjoyed some help. Lisa and I are old school with the snow removal and still use shovels. No snowblowers and no paying a plow driver to clear the driveway. It took a lot of effort to just get to the driveway, especially with so little room to maneuver when I first got outside. Still, I’m thankful to be healthy enough to shovel and do some manual work. I’m thankful for having a wife who is also fit and more than willing to jump in on hard work. Thankful to have the family together, have plenty of good food, games and warmth in our home.
Taking the opportunity to write a bit about down experiences, as I’ve tried to do more of lately. We had punted on the Louie weekend in Maine, as everyone dropped out one by one due to the impending storm. We had a text thread going where Lou was posting pics of the fun they were having, which was a good laugh. Dave jumped in with posting pics of him and Mike and Doug and others hanging over at Kevin’s for the night. I felt some twinges of angst seeing those because I wasn’t included. It’s a strange phenomenon, because I was content being home and probably wouldn’t have wanted to go, but not being asked made me feel excluded. It’ also illustrates my difficulty with feeling like I don’t have any really close friends. I’ve gotten more accustomed to being alone or just with the family, but there is part of me that still craves at least one really close friendship. It’s also one of the big qualms I have with social media, in that most times people are over sharing without recognizing that it’s making others feel bad, even ones they care about. It’s also done mostly out of ego, so it’s even more ugly to bolster yourself, at the expense of others. As I’ve been able to do more and more due to my practice, I was able to sit with the feeling and recognize it for what it was. I still felt crappy, which was real, but I got past it more quickly. I should be happy for others when they are doing something fun, regardless of my own feelings. I can be sensitive for sure and I’m thankful that I was able to see my emotions clearly, feel the hurt and move on.
1/28/22: Spent some quality time yesterday getting this website/blog back in shape. I’ve been writing offline the last several weeks, since WordPress was not behaving. I updated some of the components and got .php and other features upgraded on my hosting account. I also took this ‘single-page’ gratitude journal and started breaking it up by year. The size had gotten out of control and performance became an issue, even simply with writing each day. I also tweaked a bit the piece I was working on yesterday about coffee/gratitude. Felt good to clean up the site and make it more usable. That’s been overdue and I’m glad I gave it some energy.
1/27/22: Everyone is talking about an impending snowstorm this weekend. May seem weird to write about here, but I’m a touch thankful. Had planned to head up to Maine for a guys weekend at Louie’s. Again, may seem weird but I had trepidation about it because I want to keep momentum and focus on my self-care and that would have made it more difficult. It’s a strange place to be in, but I’m caught between making new choices and sometimes it’s hard. I’m feeling much better than I was a month ago. I’ve only dropped about 5 lbs, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but it’s changed my daily feeling a lot. I’m moving regularly, not drinking and eating mindfully a majority of the time. Thankful for that and for being motivated to take better care of myself.
Did a tiny bit of writing last night for the first time in a while. Obviously I write here all the time, but I mean creative writing. I got inspired by a post I read by a German dude I found on Medium. Basically he had a story about gratitude, disguised as a story about coffee. It hit me hard and I wrote my own version. Not exactly a creative stroke of genius, but it got my juices flowing and I followed up with action. Thankful for the motivation, for being able to stumble on such valuable content and for having free alone time to sit and write.
1/26/22: Watched a documentary on The Police yesterday afternoon. I was never a huge fan back in the day but have come to appreciate them more in recent years. They had a distinct sound and started out with a punk-ish alt-type vibe, but could actually play their instruments and write mature songs. Sting came off as an asshole, but I think he’s a tremendous musician, which often goes together. Anyways, the doc was done by their guitar player, who also did a lot of photography. I appreciated the way in which it was produced and enjoyed learning a bit of their history as well as some about Andy Summers. Grateful to have such awesome content and entertainment options available at the touch of a few buttons.
Finally got all our rebates from the mortgage companies as a result of the condo sale. We were owed a couple escrow balances as well as an extra payment that got sent out right before we paid off Azalea. Overall we recaptured another few thousand dollars. It will wipe out our credit card bill which has ballooned a bit over the last few weeks, with the home decorating and other spending. Next up will be tax time and I’m hoping to have the documents to get that started next week. It’s going to be a big task and I’ve set aside $50k as our anticipated burden. Fingers crossed we can find ways to minimize that and potentially walk away paying less than that. Whatever the amount is, I’m grateful for all the progress we’ve made and for being close to the end of the loop on all these dealings. We are starting off 2022 in great shape financially.
I’m also continuing to feel better and more balanced emotionally/physically. I had a few days over the weekend where I didn’t eat mindfully, but was able to get back on track by running on Sunday and continuing daily walking all week. It’s been about 4 weeks now and I’ve noticed small, but definite improvements. Grateful to be making better decisions and taking better care of the body I have, even if it is not perfect.
1/25/22: Went into the office for a couple hours yesterday to connect with Sue. Was the first time being there since before Xmas break and it was totally empty. Other than seeing Keith, Lisa at Starbucks and Sue, there was basically nobody. That said, it was nice to get out of the house for a bit and connect with a few folks. Sue brought me a really nice gift from before the holidays, which was super thoughtful. We had a good session talking about the future direction of the Hello Hasbro program, which I’ve been managing for much of 2021. I think there is a lot of opportunity there for me within the team and hopefully to grow at Hasbro. I’m thankful to be in a position where my job is solid, even if I’m still poking around for a promotion and re-focusing responsibilities. I definitely realize that I have a good thing going and am grateful for both Sue and Kevin’s willingness to allow me these chances.
1/24/22: After skidding through a couple days of substandard eating, I got back on track yesterday with a strong day. I started early, by getting my ass to the gym for my weekend run. My previous distance was 2.25ish and I decided to try and top that a bit. I started at a slower pace, as my last few runs were tough, even at short distances. After getting through 7 AC/DC songs, I was at 2.5 and decide to try and get one more song worth of distance. That put me near 2.85 and I figured I could squeeze out the 5k, so I pushed until I got there. Felt great, though still having feelings of dread thinking about pushing up to 7 miles. I’m trying to pay attention to that emotion and just let it settle into focus, without letting it derail me. I also ate really well, which is equally as important as the movement. Continued the football playoff run pushup challenge and did them through 3 weekend games and part of the 4th. Stretched a bit as well and Lisa used the massage gun to loosen up my back/neck area. Went to be feeling good about my day and my trajectory on the road to improving health and self-care. Grateful to start a new week focused on my priorities.
1/23/22: I decided to update my resume yesterday. I’ve been seeing lots of interesting jobs posted lately. I’m pretty satisfied with my current gig at Hasbro, as far as the day to day work is concerned. I do wish I could get promoted, with a decent salary increase. I’ve always prioritized doing work that I want to do, as opposed to building my career and it’s worked out pretty well. I don’t make as much as some of my former peers, but I think I’ve enjoyed a solid run of mostly enjoying my positions, without working too hard and taking away from other aspects of my life. Now that I’m on the backside of my working years, I feel like it would be worthwhile to enjoy my position and also get paid. Dunno if that’s in the cards, or even worth considering. Either way, I decided to update my details so if a dream position comes along, I will be more prepared to go for it and crush an interview, than if I had stood pat. I submitted for a job as Director of Social Impact, which is a cool title. The position sounds solid but not sure I would leave Hasbro for it. That said, I’m literally just kicking the tires in hopes of preparing myself should the need arise. Ideally, I could have all those things within Hasbro, which I do think is possible. I’m going to be patient, but also a bit more demanding than I have been traditionally, to see if I can make it happen. Grateful for opportunity in my life and options.
I got an email from a guy named Angel, who was an inmate at MHOC while we ran the Guitars Behind Bars program. It was amazing to hear from him randomly. He told me how much the music classes meant to him and how it helped him get through that time. He’s released now and looking to take up guitar lessons, which I will gladly help with. It felt kind of amazing to get such a random and heartfelt email. I was truly moved by it and look forward to meeting Angel soon, to hand him a guitar and connect him with an instructor. Super thankful for his note and for being able to impact someone’s life in such a meaningful way.
1/22/22: Bella and Cam are here for the weekend. We of course wanted to go to Boneheads, but they are having some covid issues and are temporarily closed. That led us to the (poor) decision to give Boneyard a shot. We’ve been there before, though not for a couple years. It’s another wing spot based on rock music, so how bad could it be? As soon as we walked in, the place was pretty empty, always a bad sign on a Friday night. It was also cold! Like genuinely freezing. The few people who were there were all wearing their jackets. There was one woman running the whole place, bartending, waiting tables, serving, etc. As we might have guessed, the food was also not great and sitting in a restaurant while practically shivering was not awesome. We made the most of it and had some laughs. We left a big tip for the woman, who was clearly trying to make the best of a bad situation. Driving home, I had the heat in the car cranked and it made me realize (again) how lucky we are to simply have temperature control at our fingertips. I know there are homeless people outside all day and some even sleeping in this raw cold. Sad to say the least and gives me perspective on something I take for granted most times.
Doreen came over yesterday as she wanted an overview of Quickbooks Online. She is trying to get new bookkeeping clients and wanted to familiarize herself with the tool. I gave her a little tutorial, which she didn’t really need, but I think it helped her feel more confident. She is a really genuine person and I was thankful she reached out asking me for help. I appreciate her friendship but am also grateful anytime someone asks me for help.
1/21/22: Got my teeth cleaned at the dentist office yesterday. I actually enjoy the process and love the feeling of a fresh scrape. I’m thankful that I live in a time when getting this done is practically automatic and low cost. I also visited the optometrist and had them adjust my new glasses. Still waiting to get them back but similarly, thankful that I have quality health care and that my employer pays for a bunch of it. Even though it’s expensive for me still, I’m glad that I can visit professionals when I need to without really even thinking about it.
Finally got to see Gregory Porter in concert last night! It’s the 3rd time the show was covid-postponed and I’m glad I hung in there and kept the tickets. Had great seats and the Emerson Colonial was a cool theater that I had never visited before. Lisa and I got hot pot at Q before the show. That’s one of our all-time favorite spots. The mala I ordered was probably too spicy, but still the meal rocked. Such a fun, quality place to grab dinner and some drinks. The show was fantastic. Gregory is a world class musician and his band was immense. Loved seeing that level of musicianship on display. I had a buzz from the drinks and we took a couple puffs before heading into the venue so I was feeling good. Really enjoyed the music and Lisa had a great time as I knew she would. Thankful as hell for live music and for being able to share those experiences with my wife.
1/20/22: Got to the gym for a short mid-week run. I only did a bit over a mile, but was proud of myself for getting there. The running progress is slow and even short runs are challenging for me. I’m trying to steer clear of the thinking about how the fuck I’m going to build up to 7 miles and simply focus on the task in front of me. It’s easier said than done, but talking about it with Lisa and writing about it here helps reinforce the concept anyways. I’m -1 lb. this week after holding steady last time, and -5 overall, since just before New Years. I’m feeling good about myself for the first time in a while and though 5 lbs. doesn’t seem like much, it definitely effects how I feel about myself, which is far from small. My clothes fit ever so slightly better and my face looks less chubby. Long way to go but like the FRR, trying to focus on the meals directly in front of me and getting myself to continue the process of joyful movement.
1/19/22: Decided to take a hot bath last night. As we’ve been upping our living space and bathroom area, I found myself alone yesterday after work. Quincy has been hunkering down in his room lately and Lisa had gone to work. It was about 5:45 and already dark and the house was super quiet. I decided to fire up the tub. I lit some incense and lowered the lights. Took a while to fill but eventually I was able to squeeze into the tub, at least as best as I am able. It was nice to soak and feel the hot water, bath salts and incense alighting my senses. When we first got the tub we used it a decent amount, but later we bought the hot tub, which was far better. Since that died about 3 years back, it’s been a bummer to not have the opportunity to soak. I’m super thankful for our home and to have the luxury of taking that kind of time for myself.
1/17/22: Another round of playoff football and pushups yesterday. Got the cold walk in also and did a 2.1 mile run at the gym. Run was tough and I felt more strained than last week, though I finished again, 6 songs on the playlist. Had a stretch in the late afternoon where I indulged in some extra food, but tried to make up for it by eating a super light dinner, just a piece of fruit and some celery/carrots and hummus. Quiet otherwise for a Sunday and thankful for another day of mindful habit forming and paying attention.
1/16/22: Continuing the walk groove yesterday, despite super freezing temperatures. While we walked I kept thinking how lucky we were to simply have warm house, plenty of food and a great bed to sleep in. We’ve been continuing the bedroom project and yesterday went and bought some new sheets and a few things for our bathroom. It was the first night we had the bed really pimped out with all the new blankets, pillows, sheets and it was amazing. It’s a luxury that isn’t lost on me and we are genuinely blessed in so many small ways.
Pats got crushed in their first post-Brady playoff game last night. I made the most of it by doing pushups for both games that aired, about 90 in all. I did a good job of ‘recovering’ yesterday after a bit of over snacking the night prior. Lisa made a great dinner again and it’s yet another thing to be thankful for.
Q officially tested positive for the covid, using the test we got from Randy. Lisa and I were negative, which is awesome. Q is getting better and seems to be passed the worst of it now. Thankful for our health.
1/15/22: Took our old bed to Randy’s place last night. After swapping rooms and buying a new bed for ourselves, we were left with Quincy’s old bed. It was Bella’s for about a year when she had the big room, then he inherited it when they swapped. We’ve been sleeping on it for the last few weeks while we waited for ours, but overall, it’s in pretty good shape and has plenty of life in it. Anyways, my brother has a super old mattress that was a hand me down from Lisa’s parents probably 15 years ago. I rented a U-Haul, since I felt bad asking anyone for the favor of borrowing their truck for a few hours. Lisa and I loaded it up and drove over and set it up for him. It was definitely an improvement, though it’s always an adjustment period getting used to a new bed. It was good to see Randy and we were glad to help him in a small way. He seems like he’s doing ok these days and is keeping up with his weight loss, which is great. We have an odd relationship. I think we both love each other, but we have so little in common and conversation is difficult, at best. Still, I’m glad we can occasionally connect and that we could do something that might make his home/bedroom a tiny bit better.
1/14/22: Got some help from someone at work yesterday. Marie in the mail room caught a mistake in the monthly spreadsheet we use to send out the service anniversary gift cards. Fortunately, I had not yet purchased the cards and she alerted me to the mistake before I did so and also before I sent out the mail merge emails to the recipients managers. It would have been an ugly error, with lots of eyeballs on it. Thankful to work with someone like Marie who pays close attention to the details and is a great partner. Today, I took time to craft a nice email to her bosses telling them about her awesomeness. I really enjoy praising others at work. Most times, you only hear about negative experiences at work so it’s great to be able to reflect when someone does an awesome job too.
>1/13/22: Continued the cold weather walking and got to the gym for an extra 30 minute walk. I needed to get out of the house and was feeling super lethargic. Instead of taking a nap and snacking, I got my ass in gear and did that. Grateful for some strength and motivation in this area and continuing to focus where I need to. Starting to feel the distractions creeping in. I trolled the mailchimp site after getting an email about specialists you can hire to help with marketing. It’s probably something I would like to invest in, but feel like it would tear me away from my habit building, at least for now. I also got an email about helping Donna with a new website. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a ton of work, but work nonetheless. I want to stick with my focus plan at least through this month and see what progress I can make. I will of course work on other things again, but I need to hold the line for now and get some more time under my belt of simply being only with the health approach.
Q’s 529 got officially opened yesterday, even though I had to mail in that application and wait a few weeks. I setup automatic investments to start on February 1st, and it will be nice to see that start to slowly build. I also upped the contribution for my 401k. I’m still waiting to setup auto investments on Robinhood and Coinbase, but plan to align those with 2/1 also. We’ll be putting away at least an extra $2,500 each month towards Qs college and our retirement. I think it’s the right thing to do as we really don’t need any cash flow at the moment and we still have plenty of slush funds available. I’m hoping we will come out ahead of my projections on the tax front in February and I should see a bonus again in March. Grateful for our financial positions and thankful we are able to live a good life each day, while also planning for the future.
1/12/22: The bed frame finally arrived! It came around 3pm and I wrapped up work so I could deal with it. It was kind of a pain to unpack everything and put together. I stuck with it and after a few tweaks I got it sorted properly. A bit too much packing material and plastic on the mattress for my liking but not much I could do other than clean up. After getting the frame settled and unwrapping the mattress, I unfurled it on the platform and it came to life. Weird how that works but seems standard nowadays for those types of beds. I texted Lisa excitedly and after she got home, we put the protector, sheets and everything setup. It’s really soft but strangely supportive at the same time, if that makes sense. When you sit on it, it really squishes, which I don’t generally like. But when you lay down, it kinda conforms to your body and feels good. At night, I fell asleep super fast and slept really soundly. Not sure if i can attribute it 100% to the bed, but it was a good feeling as I assumed it might be an adjustment period to something that feels so different to sleep in. Grateful to have that part of the room swap completed and now be able to move onto the rest. Thankful to have a comfy bed in our room and for being able to afford such a luxury in life, when many cannot.
1/11/22: Last night Lisa made an awesome dinner. Chickpea, oat and quinoa burgers. I chopped a salad to go along with it and the two of us ate peacefully. Grateful to have a wife who is genuinely a great cook. She can make just about anything and rarely relies on recipes. It’s great to try new things and have a wide array of dishes to keep things interesting and fresh.
Watched Georgia defeat Alabama in the College Football Championship last night. Over the years I’ve really come to love college football. The game has merged with the pros more than I would probably like, but still, the energy and environment are unmatched by pro football, imo. Was awesome to see GA finally get back to the top and their defense is blazing fast and tough as nails. I also like Alabama and generally enjoy seeing dynasties in action. They always have amazing recruits and the field was littered with pro prospects who will play on Sunday next year. Thankful to live in an age where such entertainment is available to me at the click of a button.
Got the escrow rebate from the PV condo yesterday and confirmed we are receiving another from the Azalea property. The influx of cash continues to be a source of security and pride. I took time to establish a larger contribution to my 401k each pay period and also got the 529 underway for Quincy’s college fund. Excited to start building up his war chest so he can have the same great start on his education that Bella has enjoyed so far.
1/10/22: Finished the weekend strong on the food side. Did the daily walk with Lisa and did some cooking for the day. We went out and trolled around the furniture store to start looking at stuff for the eventual bedroom completion (once our bed frame arrives) and tried out a few couches. Just kicking the tires so far, but it was nice to browse and hang out for a couple hours. Grateful to be spending time together lately and to be in position to continue upgrading the house stuff.
Bella officially went back to Assumption yesterday for the second semester. It was really nice having her home and I feel like we got some good time together with the family. We didn’t do anything huge but we connected a good amount, had a few laughs and Bella got a few solid weeks of work time in to save money towards next year and I’m thankful for all that.
1/9/22: Yesterday I ran 2.25 miles at the gym. I was feeling motivated to try and push my distance a bit and told Quincy I was gonna try for 2 miles. Of course he encouraged me and then I made a playlist of Pantera, which is usually good for running in my world. After getting ready, I jumped right into the run at 5.0 which I usually build up to with a brief walk, then increasing the speed. I took several minutes to settle into that tempo but I was able to get comfortable after a bit and keep the pace going. It felt good to push myself a bit and accomplish a minor goal. Also felt good to simply get myself to the gym and keep the momentum going through the start of the weekend. Grateful for the focus on my priorities and ability to continue the success of the past couple weeks.
Lisa and I grabbed food at Med Grill for dinner. My first foray to a restaurant during the last few weeks and it went well also. I ordered a non-alcoholic beer, which was a good starter. The I chose a salad/chicken wrap and opted for brussel sprouts instead of fries. I was considering getting soup since it was cold, but realized I was ordering too much food and changed my mind. When the food came, I ate a bit more slowly and only finished half of the wrap, which was more than enough to feel satisfied. Grateful I was able to navigate a dinner outside the home and leave with a sense of feeling good about myself instead of regretful for bad choices.
1/8/22: Closed the book (mostly) on the Samsung/fire debacle. I finally received a check for reimbursements from the damage. It was an awful experience all around and the ‘service’ was probably the worst I’ve ever experienced. Still, the outcome is positive and we have a little extra money to sock away. I gave some to Quincy and am still awaiting reimbursement for his chromebook, which I will also give him, should it ever arrive. Grateful to put the whole saga behind me, stop dealing with them and to have come out of it with at least some money for Q.
Did some shoveling after the first real snow of the winter. Lisa and I also did our first really challenging winter walk outside. Actually, it wasn’t that bad and I’ve kinda been getting into the process of being outdoors and moving. I’m thankful that she brought up the challenge and that we have been following it for about a week now. I think it’s good for me to move, but also the outdoor element helps me cope with the fact that I traditionally don’t enjoy the cold.
Played some family games with the kiddos last night to pass the time. We haven’t done that in a while and we had a few laughs at the table. Also, everyone was snacking, as is usually part of that tradition on a Friday night. I was getting the urge pretty strongly and thinking about pouring a drink as well as munching. I was able to arrest myself from the alcohol entirely and sipped some water and a coffee. At one point, I had filled a container with salty peanuts that I intended to munch on, but after taking a pause, I poured them back. Instead, I ate a peach from the fruit bowl and when still not satisfied, I took some broccoli and dipped in hummus. I was able to stop eating after a few hunks of the broccoli and settled back down without partaking in any more snacks. Really thankful for that experience and grateful that I stuck to my mantra of prioritizing my health over the short term option of snacking on salty, fattening food.
1/7/22: Weighed in this morning and am down another -4 lbs after losing -1lb last week. Felt good all week and was excited to jump on the scale. Been here before but it does feel rewarding to see some results after putting in some work these last couple weeks. I don’t want to be ruled by the scale and want to regain my form slow and steady like. Today is a new day and my goal will be the same, get out for some movement and eat/live mindfully.
Bella opened up a bit last night about school and a summer internship she found online. She rarely talks about anything to do with college and when she does, it’s usually confrontational. Last night was about the same, and she got emotional. Afterward, I hugged her and told her I loved her. She worked on a resume and wants to apply to J&J over in Raynham. I think it would be perfect for her as it is a well known company and literally 10 minutes from our house. It would be an amazing first job in her field and I want to help in any way possible. I know once she enters a company she will excel. She doesn’t have knowledge or confidence in the process and is really tied into Subway. I know it will be hard for her to break free but I think once she does, it will give her a real boost to see what is possible in the corporate world. Proud of her and excited about the potential she has in front of her.
1/6/22: Noah asked me to write him a letter of recommendation for law school. I was of course honored and took an hour or so yesterday to finish it off. It was a fun exercise to have something to focus on, writing-wise, as I’ve never written such a letter before. Noah is an awesome kid and I feel we have a special relationship, having known him since birth. I wish him all the best and I know he will crush it at school, wherever he goes. Grateful to have him in my life.
I got the booster vax shot yesterday. So far no real ill-effects and I feel pretty normal, just like the first two doses. I’m thankful that I live in an age when vaccinations are available and that I live in a prosperous country where they are given out with relative ease and at no cost to me. Hoping Covid calms down again going forward as it is wreaking havoc again on people’s personal and social lives and interactions.
Got the paper application for Q’s 529 completed yesterday and mailed it out. Grateful to be on the path to starting to save for his educational expenses. He seems to already understand the concept of not spending exorbitantly on that aspect of his life. That gives me hope that we can get him through the process without debt, similar to where we are trending with Bella. That would be an awesome accomplishment for Lisa and I. Grateful to have the funds to allocate to things like this, and not be struggling with basic necessities in life on a regular basis.
Started and printed and hung up a ‘monthly habit tracker’. I’ve used this method in the past with success and am aiming to track my health habits in hopes of additional accountability for myself and with the family. I did the 3rd cold weather walk with Lisa, which continues to be a good outlet. I’m also aiming for 2 days per week at the gym for a run/walk with a target of losing 1lb. per week. I’m not tracking it on the sheet but I’ve also established more consistency with my daily meditations as well as writing here. Thankful for a good stretch of days and for feeling better about myself, physically and emotionally.
1/5/22: Continued with the cold weather walking yesterday and feeling good about it. I’m not a big fan of the winter to say the least and I’m thinking this may give me a better appreciation about connecting with being outside, even when it’s super cold. It’s also nice to get some extra time with Lisa and of course the physical movement I’m seeking to habiutalize.
Bought a new printer yesterday for the RS office. Nothing fancy just a basic all-in-one. Got it home and setup easily. Used it already to print the 529 application for Q and for a daily goal chart I plan to start keeping in regards to my joyful movement activities. I listed to a TB12 podcast while I set it up and always cool to get to know Tom Brady a bit more.
1/4/22: Eased back into a bit of work yesterday. Most of my teams are still ooo, so I didn’t work a full day. I cleaned up my inbox and combed through a few that needed follow up. I have a Hello Hasbro session to clean up from pre-vacation and a HUGE one to prep for on Friday, but otherwise have little to accomplish. Grateful for a slow burn back to work this year and not having to dive in heavily on day #1.
Did a cold weather mile walk with Lisa. She wants to try a daily challenge to get outside for at least a mile walk every day of the month. I agreed to try and join so we headed out. Was cold but not brutal and I know the pattern will be good for me, if I can stick with it. Later in the afternoon I also drove over to PF and did a mile run, plus some extra walking on the treadmill. Trying to take advantage of the extra time in my day and not be so lazy. Grateful for having some momentum going into the year and for the ability to prioritize my health. I realize that I cannot talk about how important it is, but then not allow my actions to match my words. Grateful to be alive.
1/3/22: Last official day of vacation and guess what, we did more house stuff. After moving the armoire into our bedroom, Lisa put her clothes in their temporarily, so we could move the dark storage shelf into the living room. That led to us moving around some other cabinets and re-framing the main living space. It flows and fits so much better and our bedroom is taking shape slowly too. Much of what we have in there are placeholders, but the room ‘fits’ nicely and I can see how it will come together. Once our bed arrives, we can unpack the rest of the downstairs laundry closet and buy some real furniture for the space. It’s been a great / productive / restful break and I’m happy with all the changes we made in the house. We’ve always been good at making the most of what we have and repurposing things instead of buying more. Grateful for the last couple weeks and for Hasbro allowing me so much personal time.
1/2/22: Continuing the great house migration project yesterday. Lisa and I cleaned out and moved the huge armoire in the living room, into our new bedroom. It was a beast to move but we got it done after a few tries. Lisa also took down all the XMas decor and the living room is so opened up. Still awaiting the bed frame shipment, so we are on hold with putting our room together but at least I’m getting used to the bed and sleeping pretty well. The house is taking shape and once the bed arrives, we will be able to do the last few phases, including emptying the laundry room, buying new bedroom furniture, decorating our room and the bathroom and probably getting a new living room couch. It’s definitely a process, but we accomplished a ton over this break. Thankful to partner up with Lisa, we make a good team. Thankful for our house. It’s not perfect and we are struggling to make everyone comfortable in the space. It’s also ours and we love it.
1/1/22: NYE last night and we did a Zoom chat with Mikey and Alyssa. It was nice to catch up with them a bit and ‘see’ their faces. Sounds like they are all doing well and life is moving along in a good direction. The kids are so grown up, of course, but also on a good trajectory. Grateful to have cool family members like them and grateful that all of our kids are off to such a solid start in life.
After depositing the condo check the day prior, yesterday, Lisa and I went to Citizens to wire the balance and pay off our Azalea mortgage. Predictably, the service at Citizens was awful, and I’m making it a priority to ‘try’ and seek companies that provide genuine customer service, even if they are more expensive. That aside, we were able to see the payoff take place yesterday afternoon and we officially are mortgage free on all 3 of our properties! It really is a nice accomplishment. I know it’s only financial but it feels good to be able to see the fruits of our labor come together in such clear terms.
Afterward, I (predictably 🙂 got to working on setting up new accounts. I opened a Robinhood account, where I plan to start dumping funds each month to invest. Keeping money, beyond a slush account, in the bank is not what I want to do, especially given the aforementioned lack of interest in Citizens. I started off by putting half in an Index ETF and then picked 5 stocks (Apple, AirBnB, Alibaba, Paypal and Nike) where I started with $100 each. The idea isn’t to day trade, but setup automatic monthly deposits and grow the balance over the next few years. I also plan to create a 529 for Q, and start funding that with another monthly automatic sweep. Now that we have Azalea paid, we should generate somewhere around an additional $1,300/month. We are already running a cash surplus each month, so I want a landing spot for that additional money to start and build our nest egg as well as plan for Q’s eventual college payments. I think this is a good plan and am thankful to be in position where we are increasing our monthly income and at the same time have lowered our monthly expenses. It’s a perfect combo!
Rawkstars finished the year on a high with a $50k+ bank balance. It was a good year, in terms of fundraising, but also in adding several new students. I didn’t make much progress against the marketing/data/website aspects of the business as I had hoped, but in the end that didn’t seem to matter much to anyone but me. Our core of supporters is about the same as ever and perhaps that’s a comfortable place to hover for a while? I do plan to add at least 2 more new students in the first half of the year and I would definitely like to re-launch the website and fix the account management, to allow members to update their ccard info. Beyond that, doing at least one music project with the kids feels like a reasonable goal for the new year. Thankful for all who entrust me with this mission and for the opportunity to continue to help those in our extended family of music.
